So I have no clue where my weight is. I know that Tuesday I didn't do to great, i had some pumpkin bread at work....not just one piece either. Yesterday I held my own and didn't do all that badly. We spent the day in the car so there was absolutely no exercise. Today i was on fire with my eating and exercise. I actually jogged for about 55 minutes this morning early. I've eaten really good today. Life is grand! The problem...I'm not used to jogging....I'm sore sore sore!

The last day dawns!

Yes, it is the last day before my vacation begins. It's not shaping up to be a good one! Lets see. I woke up early and got my picture for my one picture per day project. It's not a fantastic one, but it will suffice. I actually also saw a big buck in our back yard but he ran off before I could get out there. I did a few things around the house and then I beat it on up to H-town for my weigh in. I knew that I would not be able to make it to the meeting because I had to be at work shortly thereafter. The leader weighed me in. While we were chit chatting, I told her that I liked the meeting and I was going to call this meeting my home meeting because the time worked best for me, but that this was one of the weeks that my schedule just didn't coincide with a meeting. She looked at me and said, "would a half hour or hour later work better for you?" I was like No, absolutely not! Then she told me that they just got word that they may be changing the meeting time to later in the day. GREAT! It took me two months to settle on and into a new meeting...and I gained 10 pounds in the process! (OK, OK OK...the poundage is totally 100% my fault, I know, I know, I know...I'll stop laying blame elsewhere). So it sounds like I may be back to the drawing board with finding a new meeting. This really really really sucks! (Same WW center that cancelled my last meeting pulling this stunt......man, I wish we lived in a big city that had lots of options!)

SOooooooo even though it looked as if I had lost a lot of weight during the latter part of last week, And then I showed myself gaining again. I at least pulled out a .6 loss. Wooo hoooo!! Over a half of pound lower than last week!! I'll take it! Especially since the monthly ick should be here within a few days..so I know I'm probably retaining like crazy due to that. (sorry...way too much information for some readers probably....)

Vacation. I'm ready. Yeah, after reading the last posts it's obvious that I'm physically and emotionally ready to go. BUT...I'm talking about being ready to conquer vacation and being able to say, "I lost weight on my vacation!" I'm gonna do it! Whew....I'll admit, I cringed when I wrote that. I feel like biting my nails in nervousness. Because I know that in a week or so I could be sitting her crying (figuratively speaking) because I've gained weight. I've made bold statements about losing before and failed. (gathering my courage here...give me a few) But you know what. As long as I do my best and try, then I'll be OK!

Freakish, Fluctuating Fun!

Yes, my weight is just fluctuating, fluctuating and fluctuating some more! At the end of last week i was where.....181.8. And then today I'm back to 185! This is just absolutely nuts! Oh well....at least I'm down a bit from where I was last Monday! However small it may be! It will come off....in it's own time!

Not much to talk about. I've been busy getting ready for vacation. Almost there...I'll sleep in my own bed two more times and then I'll be VACATIONING! I can't wait to get away. And it's not that we are doing anything spectacular. It's that we are getting away from the rat race! That is what I am looking forward to!

Meanwhile, I'm pretty much packed and ready to go. I'm going to load some of the stuff into the car tonight. Tomorrow will be a busy day for me. I'm working a long shift. I'm going to a ww center to be weighed in (I won't have time to stay at the meeting due to my long day at work). I'll get home after work and make dinner, do the last laundry, straighten the house, pack the last few things and watch TBL! So it will be a busy day. :-)

changing tree for a changing girl

changing tree, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Well, I didn't weigh myself today. Don't know why, well I guess I do. I just forgot! Actually I haven't weighed myself for a couple days. So I have no clue where I'm at. I THINK I'm up. The monthly ick is on it's way!

Well, we were planning on going to the gym this morning. SO I didn't get up and exercise immediately. My bad. We ended up not going to the gym and running errands instead. I 'swore' I was going to come home and exercise. Yeah right! We did at least walk for about 45 minutes on the canal while we were out and about.

Nothing else much to post. I've been busy. I've had some plans for vacation and trying to ensure that we don't stray to far from our set course. On Friday I made granola bars to take along. Last night I made chocolate chip biscotti. While I love the biscotti that I make (crispy on the outside softer on the inside...to die for...and this recipe is only 1 point per piece) it is more for Todd. He loves it with coffee (I"m not a coffee drinker). I also packed a package of WASA crackers to take with us! :-) Nice zero point crispy snack if you need a bite of something. So I'm pretty much ready with that stuff. My clothes are pretty much all washed and ready, in fact some are even packed! Todd installed my new stereo in my car today! WOOO HOOO! I'm so ready to leave. Two more days of work, long days...but only two of them!

Well, I"m sure I could ramble on further, but I have a book in the bedroom that is calling my name. It's by Iris Johansen, Quicksand. Her stuff is usually a pretty good read.

Progress

Progress, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Well...I'm working through the mental stuff.......I think this is a huge step!

After a particularly horrid teaching experience (4th grade, outside of DC), I vowed to never set foot in a public school. I made it from 2001 until just recently. When I was hired at my current job, they informed me that we were 'Partners in Education' with the local Elementary School. I was up front and told them of my desire to stay as far away from a school as possible. They were ok with it. However, over the past year they have managed to get me into the school on three occaisions. I've lived! AND somehow they have talked me into mentoring a student at the said school, which will begin soon. But the biggest thing. I VOLUNTEERED to create and take care of a box tops for education collection box. After 7 years, am I starting to heal???"

My day. Not too bad. I've been busy ALL day. I just sat down! I exercised early this morning and then this afternoon I push mowed my parents properties...so there was some more activity!

pumpkin cookies

pumpkin cookies, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Why oh why did I make pumpkin cookies today. I woke up and hopped onto the scales. I was a few ounces up but I wasn't concerned....(I woke up thirsty, a sign that I was somewhat dehydrated). I decided to make the cookies. After all, I would have leftover pumpkin after making the pumpkin pancakes for breakfast. I was going to remain strong though. I thought about how proud I would be when I was able to stand back and say, "I managed that well!" I didn't try any of the cookie dough, which is a HUGE victory in itself. I didn't eat any of the cookies when they were warm and hot from the oven. HOWEVER, when I iced the cookies the trouble began. I hadn't made these cookies in about 3 year...maybe 4. So I just wanted to try one. That was actually my plan. I was going to have one cookie this evening. I caved and had my 'one' cookie this morning. BAD BAD BAD. Because I had seven and a half other cookies staring me flat in the eye! I don't know how many I ate. I know it wasn't pretty. I know my stomach hurts. I know physically I'm miserable! I'm also mad at myself.

Self sabotaging.......my weight just started to drop and here I do this to myself. Is this self sabotaging? Or is it simply the fact that once I start with something bad I just lose control.....trying to keep the euphoric feeling that I get when I eat something . I do believe that it wasn't a self sabotage (I had to throw that into the thought process though). I really think it was the food addiction. I caved, I had my first taste and just like someone who has that first hit of a drug or that first swig of alcohol I just couldn't stop!

I've said over and over and over again, that if I can just STAY AWAY from the bad stuff I'm OK. It's when I start.....arrgghhh I just can't stop!

Now I'm not trying to downplay the terribleness of a drug or alcohol addiction. It is terrible. No ifs ands or buts about it. However, sometimes I think that to be addicted to something like that and to kick that kind of habit would be so much easier. You see; in those cases,you can remove yourself from situations where you are confronted by your vice. Me, I'm addicted to food. I have to learn to confront my addiction day in and day out. I can not remove myself from my vice. I need food to live. I need food to sustain my body and my mind. There is NO WAY that I can live without it. I have to confront and conquer this addiction literally hundreds of times in the course of a day, a week, a month. And not only do I have to confront it...I have to partake of the very thing that I'm addicted to.

Meanwhile, I'm hoping to squeeze in another workout tonight, to try to compensate for those umpteen cookies that I ate. I really just didn't feel like lunch.....but I did bring along a Clementine and apple for a HEALTHY snack (so I'm not tempted to break into more of those cookies......I brought some to my co-workers). I am on my own for dinner tonight (Todd will be in town doing stuff for this benefit...he's actually eating dinner with mom and dad) so I'll be able to have zero or low points foods for dinner...veggie city here I come!

Tomorrow should be pretty easy for me to stay focused and on plan. I'll be eating my meals on my own...so mostly fruits and veggies for me. Plus, I'll exercise first thing in the morning......and I'm planning on mowing mom and dad's properties (that is 45 minutes with a push mower). So all is not lost. And if I gained a pound or so....it will come off!

thepathway near Sharpsburg

thepathway near Sharpsburg, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

This morning I woke up and there was no doubt in my mind. I was riding the exercise bike come hell or high water. I hit up the bathroom first, as is my normal routine. I weighed myself. HOLY MOLY! 181.0 pounds. That is a loss of 5.6 pounds since TUESDAY? I thought I was shocked yesterday......woah doggie. Today I'm just plain and simple blown away! I refust to psychoanalyze the situation. I don't care at this point. Yep, it could have been water, yep, it could hav been the kick ass last few days I've had. I don't care. What I care about is that it was 181. 0 That puts me back into my 'happy 5 pound' area! (within 5 pounds from my lowest weight ever....I have always said I would be ok, happy if my weight stayed within 5 pounds of my lowest ever weight.....and if it went above it was panic time!). SO I'm a happy girl. It is also redoubling my motivation to go on vacation and really nail the vacation. I want to lose weight! (I'll be happy with a maintain though).

Anyway, so this morning I weighed myself and hopped onto the exercise bike. I was about 15 minutes into my ride when Todd woke up and mentioned the gym. Well heck, i was ready to hop of the bike and hit up the gym instead. But he then quickly remembered and obligation he had that would make the gym not quite as feasible. I suggested a walk on the canal. His eyes lit up. We had a winner. I rode the exercise bike for 30 minutes, ate lunch and got dressed and then walked on the canal for an hour! Not too shabby!

Vacation plans.....here they are.
1. I'm taking homemade granola bars and 1 point candy (WW) so that we have something realativly healthy to snack on.
2. When we get there, I"m going to hit up the grocery store and have a few items on hand at my brothers house so that I can eat a decently healthy breakfast AND lunch at their house. (this will save us money also!)
3. Eat sensibly when we go out for dinner!
4. I'm planning on jogging or riding my brothers exercise bike in the mornings.
5. walking walking walking. I've told Todd that I want to walk walk walk as much as we can! Why drive that 1/2 mile to the Mexican restaurant that we want to visit when we can walk there!

I'm determined to make this vacation a successful weight week!

Wednesday

Desi, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Thought I'd share a picture of Desi.....this is technically my husbands cat. The cat...well...the cat tolerates me. But he's getting better! Oh well, the other three cats adore me!

Well, my weight dropped. This morning it was down to 183.6. That is a three pound drop from yesterday. I think I'm about ready to give up trying to make sense of it!

I feel as if I've done REALLY good with my food today. I ate oatmeal for breakfast and then on the first Wednesday of the month when Todd has a board meeting, I usually go out to eat with mom. Today, I ate with mom, but we ate at her house. We had a meal of mostly veggies and fruit. I was satisfied. Mom struggled a bit with being satisfied. BUT, she was tickled because her blood sugar levels remained really good and didn't spike like they normally do (hello, she's eating JUNK!)

Todd and I stayed in town for dinner. Mom and I each combined our forces and made dinner together. It's always like old times cooking in the same kitchen with my mom...good memories. We actually ended up making Glazed chicken with apples, roasted potatoes, carrots and peas. For dessert we had jello with pears in it. Pretty good meal! :-)

Woke up this morning and we hit up the gym. I set the elliptical at 60 minutes, level 12 with a random hill program. In my mind I set a personal goal to reach at least 500 calories burned and 4 miles. I was plugging along...I was JUST going to make my goal when my friend Sherry walked into the gym. Nope, I didn't stop. She climbed onto the elliptical beside mine and we talked for the last 5 minutes of my 60 minute program and then I just put it on a level and I did backwards for 15 more minutes. So 75 minutes of exercise. Made it to well over 600 calories burned (if you can believe those machines...but hey, I use those figures as goals) and over 5 miles!

Lets see...in other news. Oh wait, Ethel is having a health problem. (she's had diarrhea for the last few days). I got medicine from the vet today. Hopefully that clears it up. (hopefully before vacation).

Todd and I are watching the gas shortage problem closely. That is the last thing that we want. To be in the middle of our travels and end up stranded or stuck somewhere without gas....and we heard that the problem is spreading to the Midwest....where we will be. LOVELY!

Other than that...nothing much else to report!

Official

I went to a Weight Watcher meeting this morning. I was not at all happy with the scales. They showed me at 186.4. So I've got 4.4 pounds until I get within that 2 pound grace area and 4.4 to get to my goal weight. I'll do it though.

It really is neat to see how I feel after my meeting. It was something that I totally needed! I feel ready to face another week and I'm totally determined to NOT gain more and to instead post a loss next week! (which will be the day before we leave for vacation!)

I was pleasantly surprised and happy to see two of my past leaders and the receptionist that I usually have attending the meeting this morning. It was good to see them and to talk to them, which I was able to do after the meeting. Ironically enough, they are in the exact same boat as myself. One of them actually took off her pants this morning when she weighed in trying to get below 'the mark'.

I came home and did a few things around the house. I cleaned out the car! It desperately needed it especially before we start to pack the car for vacation ( a week from today). I also putzed around with a few errands in the house. I also ate lunch. I had a salad, a yogurt and some applesauce. Internally I was screaming....eat something else, eat something else. But I didn't and I've actually been satisfied. For me, it is not a craving or hunger or fullness or anything...it's my mind telling me to eat more. I didn't listen this morning and I've been fine! I did bring along an apple to munch on here at work sometime during the mid-afternoon. I guess that time is NOW! :-)

Don't miss out!

OH MY FREAKIN' SWEET WORD! However have I followed Weight Watchers for the last umpteen months and not heard about this. Now I admit that I don't use all the weight watchers products out there but there are some that I get on occaision for ease. And I really do like the ice cream bars and snacks. AND oh my word, at the meetings I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Peanut Butter Bliss bars and the Sweet and Salty bars!

SOooooooo imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon a post on the ww boards today saying taht they have a ups redemption program for ww brand stuff!!! YES, and I went on...the rewards are NICE! NOt cheesy things. We are talking stuff like attachments for your kitchen aid mixer, pan sets, vacuum cleaners (hoover) all sorts of stuff! GOOD STUFF! Stuff that we buy on a daily basis!

I am so all over this!

http://www.wwincrediblerewards.com

I haven't done too badly today. I'm struggling right now. I want to eat. I allowed myself to have a sweet and salty bar (one of the weight watchers 2 points bars). But I know that there is no way that I'm hungry! We had a late dinner (7:15.....dinner tends to be later since I get off at 6PM). We had Sweet and Spicy Chicken which is one of my favorite ways to have chicken. I served homemade scalloped potatoes with it. We also had some broccoli and applesauce with our meal. For dessert we had Tilly's dream dessert. YUMMY! So there is no way that I'm still hungry. It has got to be in my head! I'm gonna win this one!

Tomorrow morning I'm going to hit up a weight watcher meeting. I am actually quite dissapointed. I had decided to go to this one......basically because my first leader, which I loved was the leader. So this morning I went on to double check the time. OH NO! Nancy doesn't lead this meeting anymore. She dropped all meetings from this center according to the website (she still does the Hancock meeting..but that's way to far away...and not the right time anyway). SHUCKS! So I'm HOPING that the leader that is there now is a good one! I have heard that the Saturday morning leader is a good one. But that meeting is at 7Am. The meeting would be over at 7:30 (if it was on time). I have to be at work at 7:45 or 8AM (flip flops back and forth)...and it's about a 15-20 minute drive. I may try that one a few times to see how that goes. Twould mean that I'd be driving to Hagerstown twice on Saturdays (morning for my meeting....back to S-burg for work...and then back to H-town for my weekly grocery trip). Hmmmm

My weight this morning 186.0 SO I"m back at 4 pounds from the very tip top highest that I can be to get back into lifetime!

BLAGHHHHHH

ARRGGGHHHH How do you spell STUPID?? O-V-E-R-E-A-T!

I totally overate tonight! Cookies (they were supposed to be some healthy recipe that this health /nutrition/weight loss clinic owner makes) that I ate 5 of! Yes, FIVE cookies. Oh yeah, I had some bread with dinner...and not one but TWO servings of spaghetti!!!! Yeah, I took most of the food to my mom's house..but mom put it all together and made dinner...I just provided the ingredients...and we all know that mom's cooking tastes SOOO Good! (I at least had a salad with dinner! woo hooo)

And I feel ICKY!

(am I absolved from all wrong doing if I say that I went to the gym this morning and worked out for an hour??? Because I did!)

Saturday Sameness

Typical Saturday. I got up early and rode the exercise bike for a a bit. Yeah, I know that Todd had mentioned going to the gym on the way to the grocery store, but I also know that those gym plans seemed to get cancelled a lot and I'm left with no exercise. Thus I decided to ride anyway and if I got a second workout in...great! I worked from 8AM until noon....BORING! But hey, I got my coupons in order for my afternoon grocery trip! Yes, I tell you, every Saturday is the same old same old isn't it? Yep, grocery shopping. (and I was right...we ended up NOT going to the gym!) I came home, prepared everything (chopped veggies for the salad, cleaned the fruit, made a few things and all is good). About the time that was done, it was time to make dinner! I made Todd Pecan Salmon. He said it was pretty good. I dont' eat seafood so I couldnt' tell you for sure...but I made him go into detail about the texture, moisture and what-not...so I'm reasonably sure it tasted good. After dinner I realized that I hadnt' taken my picture of the day for the 365 project....so I started playing with my camera....got that done. And now I'm just sitting here relaxing. I'm debating watching a movie (I've got What happens in Vegas to watch) or to read some more of my book...(it's an Iris Johanson book...The Face of Deception)....hmmmmmmm tough choice! Eating wise. I didn't do badly....a little high in carbs, but ok. weight 185.6

something to work for

I have done pretty good today with my eating. I'm happy at least. I feel as if I've done what I needed to do to get myself back on target! Tonight for dinner I made Southwestern Chicken. This is a pretty good meal, and quite filling! The kitchen is now cleaned up and I'm relaxing.

I got to thinking after reading todays post from JC about feeling power when we eat or overeat. It got me to thinking. NO, I never had that when I overate. However I do definitely feel empowered when I am eating correctly and making good choices. And as I read it, I knew that I want to feel that self satisfaction and empowerment. It really is a great feeling! And I'm going to strive for that feeling! Thanks JC!

gym visit and general thoughts

Todd and I went to the gym this morning. I had just stepped onto the elliptical machine when a friend saw me. We started to talk. 30 minutes later, after having just stood there doing nothing remotely exercise related, we moved to side by side treadmills and walked while we talked for another 30 minutes. While I didn't get a really intense workout in today, I think talking to this friend was super important. She is a friend from the weight watchers group that I was attending, the one that was cancelled. She is struggling with her weight also. We discussed the emotional issues that I'm working through and the ones that she is working through. I felt refreshed when we left. Just what I needed.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to force myself to ignore those feelings and desires to 'stay hidden' in the woodwork. I'm pushing myself to do what I want to do and not worry about anything other than the fact that it is what I want to do and ultimately that I'm happy. And you know what? It's not killing me. No-one has looked at me oddly, in fact some of my efforts have sparked some really great conversations with others. So I'm trying.

My weight today 185.4. So still up. I'm actually not too overly surprised. Last night I made the ultimate comfort food (ok, one of them), Perogi casserole. It is super yummy, tasty and a carb lovers dream! I did eat accordingly the rest of the day but I know that when I overload on carbs I don't lose as well.

Don't know what I'm going to do to shake up my weight to start losing...but I'm gonna try my best! I will also have to start going to ww meetings regularly and paying until I get this excess 3-5 pounds off to get me back under. Not that that is any problem because I actually have always planned on continuing to attend the meetings weekly. I haven't done it though this month because I've been trying to get back under my goal so I dind't have to pay. Didn't make it...oh well. So either Monday or tuesday I'll be back in meetings. Not sure which yet....as there isn't really any meeting that fits my schedule!

another ramble

Ohhh why oh why did I not have my camera with me. Last week it was the firemen. Today it as the police. We had this strange person come in and open an account. He then used our bathroom. He was in there for 15 minutes! The toilet never flushed! (I sit near the bathroom....) The one supervisor was a bit freaked out...so she called the police to check it out. He searched our bathroom. WAY too funny!

Thank you for the kind comments about the demise of my friend. (the mug) I admit I've chuckled a bit about my death of a friend and some of ya'lls comments. :-) I'm really having a tough time finding a replacement. I'm using my backup mug now....but I need to replace the one that I broke (even if as only a back up mug). I hesitate to buy one with a sports logo on it (I'm not into sports) or an advertisment (remember, I take this EVERYWHERE). Not to mention that just the sheer amount of ounces in the mug take it to a whole different level (it's a 64 ounce mug). Todd, oh my dearest of dear husbands found me a replacement online. From HOOTERS! Uhhh NO! Although it is funny!

I have a friend that I correspond with pretty much every day. She is a good friend from college, and then she and I shared an apartment for a year after college. We had lost contact for a while, but have been talking for a while now. Talking to her has made me realize and remember what I used to be like and it has brought some of that back to life. Tis a very good thing. Thank you Suzy!! I think it's long think it's long past time to bring back the 'real' maryfran!

I thank you for reading my emotions about my teaching fiasco/mess. I honestly think that was the first time that I have actually admitted to anyone that the situation has caused me to have an intense fear of failure. I know that is also one of the first times I have ever made it through a conversation (or writing about it...which I have done in the past) without crying or actually even feeling the phyical problems that occur when I think about that situation. (my throat closes up and I can't breath....nothing major...tee hee hee) Does that mean that I'm healing??????

I think part of what is helping me is this project to take a picture a day for a year. Yeah, I can snap pictures....but to view life through a view finder. I actually have to look for the beauty around me. And it's everywhere. I'll admit, sometimes the 'dark' photos are pretty to view, but I'm figuring out that I don't have it in me to actually take those dark photos......it just not intrinsically in me. That is just one more little piece that got me to thinking.

Just one more step in the metamorphisis of myself. Changing my body for the better, changing my emotions for the better, changing my lifestyle for the better. It's all inter-connected.

Mourning the loss of a good friend!

water-mug, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Today was a busy one. I didn't do all that great eating, but it could have been worse! We ran ALL day long! But there was a terrible casualty today. There was a car accident. YOu see, I had my hands full of stuff when we left the house. I put my mug (pictured above, cropped and enlarged from a photo I took YESTERDAY) on top of the car as I threw my stuff into the back seat. Everything in, I hopped into the car and Todd drove off. Uhhh about a half mile down the road I heard it. Todd figured out what it was more quickly than I (hey, he had rear view mirrors). Yes, that mug made it a half mile down the road. It shattered. Well, not totally, but well beyond further use. I am personally shattered. This is my mug. My friend. I literally go EVERYWHERE with that mug. Come on now, after the incident with the fire department being called last Friday morning, one of the firefighters came back in the afternoon to cash his pay check and was joking with everyone at the bank that as long as I was at work, I could put out any fire with the water that I carry around. I do not move without my mug. Yes, I was in tears! This mug has been with me for 130 pounds of weight loss (well, for most of it at least!) I have lost a good friend! I'm scouring the interenet. I do not want one that has advertisements on it! I can not find one!!!!!!!!

So lets all have a moment of silence for the newly departed mug!

Fear

The weight is up this morning. Hello cookie dough!

I was in the shower this morning thinking about the plans that Todd and I have for the day. We will be on the go ALL day...meaning we will most likely eat two meals out. Part of me wants to just say screw it and eat what and where I WANT to eat. However, I know that I can't do that. I can't give up. Giving up is the easy and 'safe' route. In conjunction with what I wrote last night, giving up is safe. If I say I'm stopping now, there is no risk for failure. It's a difficult decision..because I greatly fear failure...the taste of it is still in my mouth. I don't want another dose.

Ate myself out of house and home

dog biscuits, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Let me tell you, at the rate I"m going today with eating....even these dog biscuits look good!!!!!!!! I will say though that the dogs and the giving of the dog biscuits are my favorite part of my job! :-) Seriously though, this picture just reached out and grabbed me today.....so that is what I chose for my picture for the day for my 365 project!

Well after the cookie dough I've actually managed somewhat to keep myself under control today. Thank goodness!

Ohhh watching TBL right now.....and I won't say much of anything about it in case some of you haven't watched it yet. But the one person talked about afraid of doing it because he/she is afraid of failure. I'll admit it...I'm afraid of failure. I already feel like a failure in the career field. I loved teaching...but had such a failure that it affected my mental state. Ironically enough, the failure was not of my doing either......I was in an unfortunate situation designed by some other person and all I could do was ride it out. But it was bad enough that I seriously thought about committing suicide to get out of the situation. I had tried every other means at my disposal to correct the situation and getting nowhere, and for those few minutes felt that it was my only soluntion. It wasn't the only solution. I quit the next day. Sealing my fate. I quit in themiddle of a school year, with no notice. Some things are more important than a contract...I'm one of them. I moved home (literally into my parents basement) and licked my wounds and healed. Ok, at least I began the healing process. I still frequently cry when I think about and talk about the situation that I was in (my life was threatened by students....administration refused to help and actually made threats also......and numerous other offenses). It really just was a terrible situation. And when I heard that person tonight it hit me. I'm afraid of failing. I've already failed and I dont' want to do it again! To the point of not trying. Because if I don't try, then I can't fail! But what I need to tell myself that I fail IF I do not try!

A slip up

My weight was up this morning...back up to 183.8. I have no clue why.

And uhhhh today. Well, this morning I slept late. I decided to eat my breakfast first and then exercise. I ate my breakfast and sat down at my computer to check my emails before exercising (letting my food settle). My dearest of husbands (yes, that was written in a sugary sweet tone) looked at me and innocently said, "ohhh yeah, we are having a committee meeting here at the house tonight" I'm sure my eyes bugged out. You see, I've been busy working outside and we were away on Sunday and well......my house is a wreck! Ok, it's not a wreck, but with four cats the floor is in constant need of vacuuming and the kitchen floor....well sweeping and mopping are a daily need (not that it gets done every day). And then just a few minor things. Didn't exercise....went on a wild rampage to clean the house instead. Oh yeah, and I baked chocolate chip cookies for the meeting also. Made lunch for Todd and I and STILL made it to work by noon. Uhhhhh I purposefully skimmed over the cookie part..........I uhhhh ate some cookie dough. Can we leave it at that???? (a little slip up...but not the end....I will just pick up the pieces and move forward)

Ohhh and the final straw....at 11:30 when all the work was done todd got a phone call........yep, you guessed it......the meeting was changed. It's not going to be at our house!!!!!!! Oh well...the house is spic and span! (and I brought the cookies into work!)

On to better things....well maybe not better things..but different things. On the way to work I was in the car and I realized that a stink bug must have made his home on my shirt while it was hanging on the line drying on it's laundry day. Yes, my shirt STINKS! It's terrible! (ok, I only smelled it when Iwas in the warm car, closed in...but still!)

WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!! It's The Biggest Loser night!!!!!