Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Ate myself out of house and home

dog biscuits, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Let me tell you, at the rate I"m going today with eating....even these dog biscuits look good!!!!!!!! I will say though that the dogs and the giving of the dog biscuits are my favorite part of my job! :-) Seriously though, this picture just reached out and grabbed me today.....so that is what I chose for my picture for the day for my 365 project!

Well after the cookie dough I've actually managed somewhat to keep myself under control today. Thank goodness!

Ohhh watching TBL right now.....and I won't say much of anything about it in case some of you haven't watched it yet. But the one person talked about afraid of doing it because he/she is afraid of failure. I'll admit it...I'm afraid of failure. I already feel like a failure in the career field. I loved teaching...but had such a failure that it affected my mental state. Ironically enough, the failure was not of my doing either......I was in an unfortunate situation designed by some other person and all I could do was ride it out. But it was bad enough that I seriously thought about committing suicide to get out of the situation. I had tried every other means at my disposal to correct the situation and getting nowhere, and for those few minutes felt that it was my only soluntion. It wasn't the only solution. I quit the next day. Sealing my fate. I quit in themiddle of a school year, with no notice. Some things are more important than a contract...I'm one of them. I moved home (literally into my parents basement) and licked my wounds and healed. Ok, at least I began the healing process. I still frequently cry when I think about and talk about the situation that I was in (my life was threatened by students....administration refused to help and actually made threats also......and numerous other offenses). It really just was a terrible situation. And when I heard that person tonight it hit me. I'm afraid of failing. I've already failed and I dont' want to do it again! To the point of not trying. Because if I don't try, then I can't fail! But what I need to tell myself that I fail IF I do not try!


Anonymous said...

MF thank you sharing that moving story with us. I for one am thankful that you were able to see past the moment and chose not to take your own life.

You have to try and even if you fail it's only temporary and you can get yourself back on track. There is nothing that you cannot bounce back from...just remember that. HUGS from NY.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your difficult story -- and the insight you gained from it.

Anonymous said...

thank you for baring yourself and Im certain that you are touching people you DO NOT EVEN REALIZE.

I fear this is so trite but its what I believe:




by seeing it in your minds eye you can make it a reality.

Donna B said...

Chuckled when I saw the dog bones pic and hoped you weren't "snacking" on them! Then you got so serious and I really feel for you. You didn't fail! The system failed and you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I owed a scrapbook store for 5-1/2 years with a supposedly friend that we had to close 18 nmonths ago. for awhile I felt I "failed" but realized I tried something that I always wanted to do and learned a considerable amount of buisness savvy and dealing with people that I might never have learned if I didn't try. It took a while to stop considering myself a failure. You need to think about all the successes in your life, losing all the weight you have is a bIg one. Give yourself a big pat on the back, but stay away from snacking on those dog bones! Keep up the good work.

Donnalouise said...

*hugs* There's no such thing as failure, just a temporary detour to set you on a new path. Thank you for sharing your story and know, that you are not alone with being afraid of failing. Go back and look at your before picture and then look in the mirror - you are far from failing!