Me myself and I

The last couple months have been interesting. I am thinking that maybe I should refer to 2015 as the year of 'cleaning house'.  It seems as if I am eliminating things that are bad for me in my life.   As the final days of my marriage are winding down. (On paper...the marriage has been long over in reality.) I have all of a sudden sat up and started taking notice of my surroundings.  I have unfortunately said goodbye to some friends and people in my life.   One a few weeks back and another just this week.  It's not easy.  But I think it has been necessary for my well being.  I mean seriously....my name is MaryFran.     Call me MaryFrances which is my complete full name.  Call me MaryFran which is what half of the world calls me.   Heck, call me MF, a bunch of people call me that.   But whatever you do, do NOT call me Mary.  My mother was adamant about that when I was young and therefore, I do not associate myself with the name Mary.  You may as well call me Susan if you are going to call me Mary.   This most recent person has been in my life for maybe 7 months or so.....and they STILL had issues with calling me MaryFran.  Really?  It's not that difficult. It's actually disrespectful to not call me by the name that I was given at birth and the name that I chose to go by.   There were some other issues, but I had to cut that tie.   It's not healthy for me.  Just like the other person's constant drama and pandering.  The people that I've gotten rid of are much more crass and abrasive.   I don't appreciate that behavior and if honestly makes me uncomfortable.  I don't need that.......so moving on.   

Yes, this has left a huge hole in my life, socially speaking.  However, I will survive.

Weirdly enough, my soon to be ex (well, he already is my ex just not legally kinda sorta...long story) has turned into a decent friend.   Really it shouldn't be all that surprising as the only thing that held our marriage together is the fact that we lived as friends and that occasionally we would go out for the day and act as friends.  No, there is no chance of a reconciliation.   I laughingly told him that someone predicted that we would end up back together and before I could finish the sentence with the words "Cold day in H....E..... Double hockey sticks"  he said "Don't take this wrong but NO.....I believe I am a person that was meant to be single and even if you begged right now I'd have to say absolutely not!"    I was actually VERY relieved to hear that as it cleared the air for our friendship to actually flourish as FRIENDS.   

So this new found freedom from people that were dragging (potentially) me down.....what is my focus.   Running.   I run.  

 Sick again today...but the schedule showed a 3.5 mile run today so by golly, I got out there and did 3.72 miles.  My run was a bit slower in pace....by about 15 seconds per mile.  But I'm ok with that.  My chest hurts, my throat hurts and the cough is just downright annoying.....and I felt horrible croaking out in my raspy voice my hello's to the gardeners and such that I ran past.    But I did it.    Here is the crazy thing?   My legs felt absolutely fine.   My breathing was regulated.   I had a pretty decent run....except for the fact that my chest and throat felt horrid.  Yes, I did stop to walk for about 30 -60 seconds, three times.  Just needed to walk a bit to ease up the tight feeling in my chest.  (the tightness of the sickness increases when I run).   Regardless.....I ran....SICK!

My weight.....that is another thing that I plan on focusing on.  

 Right now I have a big GRRRRRR   I haven't weighed myself since Friday morning.  Friday night I went to a Chinese Buffet.......Not the greatest of choices I know.   Saturday evening I went to Cafe Italia (Hagerstown, MD) with my parents and their friend Kathy.  I was planning on ordering a grilled chicken salad.  Really, I was.  Until the three guys beside our table ordered one of the HUGE pizza's and it drew my attention.  So of course I switched to a pizza.  SOOOO yummy.   (Technically I wasn't over my calories as I had run 4.3 miles that morning...but well....we know me and what happens when I eat my exercise calories....I either gain or if I'm lucky, I maintain.)   Sunday I went out geocaching and ended up eating at Hoss's Steakhouse.  I got the salad bar......and ate mostly salad.....with macaroni salad on the said. (yeah, call me weird but one of their french dressings tastes FABULOUS on top of the macaroni salad).   I had two plates of salad.....a bowl of soup and two different small pieces of dessert.  I had three on my plate......the third only tasted mediocre so I didn't eat more than the first nibble....VICTORY.   

So three days of eating.....not exactly on point.  And my weight was up.   and I'm back at the low end of that that stupid 5 pound range that I have struggled to get out of.    

I will leave you with a giggle about my morning run today.

My dad usually walks in the morning and once or twice I have seen him as much of the time our walks/run overlap.   Today was not one of those days.  When I got home, the first words out of my mom's mouth was "Did you see your dad today while you were out running?"    I honestly answered with a negative and then watched as mom burst out laughing hysterically.   According to mom, my father had been walking and he saw me in the distance....so he called out hello.....once or twice.   And the poor girl looked at him and took off running.   It wasn't me....so dad freaked out some poor innocent girl.   (the story may have  been embellished a bit by my mother....I will have to check with daddio when I get home tonight....although he has texted me and said "PLEASE tell me that was you on such and such road this morning at about 7:30"  Ha ha ha.....

Neither Rain, Sleet, snow.....

Or what feels like an elephant sitting on my chest will keep me from my run!

Yes, I am still feeling icky.  I woke up this morning and knew that I had a run scheduled for some point this weekend.  Once again I didn't feel totally well...and actually felt another step worse than yesterday. SO, I decided to go today.  Get it done and out of the way in case I am feeling even worse tomorrow (God forbid).  

I got to talking with my dad before heading out and got to laughing.  Laughing made me cough.  Coughing made me gag.  Gagging made my father laugh.   Which made him cough.  Which made me laugh.  Which made me gag.  Vicious cycle!  I had to step away to gather myself and within a few minutes, with my stomach still feeling weird from gagging, I headed out.  (I knew that the gagging was a result of laughing and I knew that I don't normally laugh on my runs so I should be fine!)

I set out with some trepidation and actually wondering if I could make it. I was determined to give it my best shot.

And I did it.  I completed my miles.  I actually probably walked less than I have in my most recent runs.  My first walk didn't hit until almost the 2 mile mark...and was only 30-60 seconds.  From that point on, I walked maybe every 3/4 of a mile for roughly 30 seconds each time.   I determined to run to a certain point and I did.......and when I looked at my tracker......Wooo hooo.....it must have paused when I went to put it in my run buddy pouch.  It didn't track my run at all!   Luckily for me, it showed me when I had started it and paused it ...so I knew how long I had been running.....and I had decided to run the exact same route as last Sunday!    So I was still able to get my stats.....and happily I can say that even sick, I ran it faster than last week!

I was a bit nervous because I had Chinese (Buffet too...arrgghh) for dinner last night.   I wasn't sure how that was going to affect my weight.  But I am happy to say that my weight remained the same from yesterday to today.   I am making sure I drink lots of water so that I don't have any residual weight gain...but right now I'm feeling pretty good about my weight loss efforts.

15 calories....they would add up pretty quickly!!!

Today was supposed to be a rest day.  But I know that my Thursday and Fridays I have planned them to be a bit interchangeable.  Thursday runs are difficult because I am tired.  It's the end of my work week.  It's the end of a few days straight of some vigorous exercise.   Fridays make more sense to run for that reason.  Schedule wise it actually kind of makes more sense to run on Thursdays.  However  I planned Fridays based on the needs of my bodym thus allowing myself the wiggle room to push off Thursdays run to Friday if need be and it won't 'affect' my schedule.  Yeah, if I'm scheduled to run Thursday and I don't do it, I know me.  I'll be down on myself because 'I was scheduled and I didn't do it'.  This way I have the wiggle room on the days that I knew would be most difficult for me.  (Sundays is my long run day.....Saturdays are hit or miss so I made it on Sundays.  If I get the log run in on Saturday, awesome.  If not, and I do it on Sunday then I'm right on Schedule!)  Yeah, it's a mind game...but that's all good.

So let me back up a bit before I go on with my 'supposed' rest day.    A week or two ago my nephew came down sick.  My other nephew followed a few days later and it's been like slow falling dominos since then.  And it's not a 'sick and then well'  it seems to be a sick and linger and then just when you think life is grand again reoccurring ickiness.    I had hoped and prayed that I would not succumb.  NO WAY!   I don't have time for that stuff!  I have a life to lead.  I have a half marathon to train for.  I have plans!    

And of course here is a picture of the culprits and carriers of the dreaded bug! 

Well, on Tuesday afternoon I started noticing a tickle in my throat/chest that caused me to cough.  A dry cough that emphasized the tightness in my chest.   I rolled with it.  I hoped for the best.   Wednesday it was a bit more regular but I still went to zumba.   I actually made it through the class and really didn't have many issues.  I noticed the tightness in my chest but it wasn't bad enough to make me stop.    This morning (Thursday) I woke up and boy was my chest tight. The cough was there and my voice was DEEP.  Yeah, this was not looking good.  I

I laid in bed for a bit and then decided.....lets get this 3 mile run over with today.  I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow and I'd rather do it today and be done just in case.  And if I feel fabulous tomorrow.....well then the run is done anyway and I can enjoy my early afternoon off of work without the specter of a run marring the afternoon.  So out I went.

I did surprisingly well.  A few times I felt as if I couldn't get a deep enough breath of air, but nothing major. (ha ha ha as if breathing isn't major!)  The last half mile or so my chest was HURTING.  Hurting as in my first thought was, "Holy cow, I'm having a heart attack"  until I remember that my chest had been tight and I just ran 3 miles.     My time?   I am proud to say that the run portion of my run this morning was only 1 second slower per mile than my run portion from Tuesday.  not bad.  

Yes, my pace is showing on the pic a lot slower because I had already started my cool down walk and I was getting my picture so I could calculate my running pace. I do NOT run at a 20 minute pace!  

So I got home, had a piece of toast, packed my lunch, showered and I headed out to work. I decided to stop at a pharmacy to pick up some medication. No, I don't need medication at this point.  But I decided to douse this cold with some Vitamin C.  So I picked up some Airborne type medicine. (ok, I'm cheap and bought the store brand, which we all know is usually made by the same company)  and some cough drops in case the coughing starts to annoy me.  Yes, I know I should have been doing the Airborne stuff since they first got sick and not wait until I showed the first signs...but this is how I roll!   

Don't be a hater.....I wanted the yummy tasting cough drops!  

Drat at 15 calories a cough drop.....do I have to count them if I succumb to the pressure/need to use them???

Which hand should I chose?

I am torn between disgust and elation.   So ok, here it is.

I had my weigh in today.  I've been weighing myself regularly and I've watched the numbers slide lower and lower on the scale (ok, they would be sliding if I didn't have a digital scale).  It's been good.   Yesterday morning I was ecstatic about my weight.  This morning, not so much.  I gained six tenths of a pound between yesterday and today.   Yesterday I ran over three miles.  I made good choices for breakfast and lunch and......well for dinner I went to Cici's pizza.  (My nephew will be so ashamed of me...he hates Cici's Pizza.)  I did have a salad.  I did have 3 slices of pizza.  I did have a brownie.  And oh my word, their breadsticks are possibly the best around. (Yes, this was my first foray into the world of Cici's pizza).  So yes, I had something like 2 or 3 bread stick bites.  As I was eating I was worried about my weigh in today.   Pizza?  Really?   The night before a weigh in???   What was I thinking?    I'll tell you what I was thinking.....the other option was a Chinese buffet.  ha ha ha. 

That said?   I entered my food into the tracker and I will say that I ate  1732 calories yesterday.  Including what I earned, I STILL had 163 calories left over at the end of the day.  HOWEVER, sadly enough...my body is stupid and if I eat a ton of my earned calories then I don't lose weight.  (Yes, this is sad...but something I realize and just work with.)  Just one of those quirks of individualism in this weight loss journey.

I seriously contemplated just taking yesterdays weight as my 'official' weekly weigh in.  But then I  realized that that was cheating.  And regardless, I needed to face the music.   Just do it!

So this morning I stepped onto the scales.   249.6   A gain....from yesterday.  BUT that equates to a 4.4 pound loss from last Wednesday...and I can OFFICIALLY say that I am out of that 5 pound vortex.   The goal for this week is to STAY out of that vortex and get further away.  

So elation....but disgust that I didn't hold onto the lower Tuesday morning weigh in number.    Ok ok ok....I'm going to chose happiness and elation and move forward!

Meanwhile, I'm staying busy.   Trying to enjoy life.   Getting out....geocaching when I can...seeing new things when I can....trying to reinvent myself...it's proving to be a long process.  :-) 

I'm looking for peace and happiness and rolling in that direction.  :-)

Unplugged

I decided this morning to go out for my run totally unplugged.  Little did I know how unplugged I was going to be!

I ran the Krumpe's run relatively unplugged.  I didn't run any tracking app.  I didn't run any heart rate monitor.  I listened to music and just trusted the timing device provided by the race organizers.  It worked and I pushed myself and did ok.  So this morning when I got ready to head out for my run, I decided to go unplugged.  I decided to listen to music and have mapmyrun track my progress.   That would only interrupt me every mile...which would be good so that I didn't cut my run too short.  (Scheduled 4 miles today.)

All was good.  I hit the music and headed out.  2 songs into my run the voice in the headphones interrupted me to say "charge me"   Ohhhhhh heck.....my heart sank.  I never tested how long I could run after I go the message to charge my headphones.   I hoped it was an hour, as that was how long I was planning that my run would probably be.  As I ran, I thought about my path and decided on the route that I would take to make it roughly 4 miles.  All was good  And then the voice reminded me to 'charge me' again.   Thanks for the notice...but I kept running, I had a run scheduled and I was NOT going to be deterred.  No way...no how!    Just shy of a mile and my headphones went dead.  Yup....silent.   That means no music, no notifications of the miles.  Just me, my thoughts and my feet pounding the pavement.  

I ran the first mile or so with no breaks.  The second mile I broke for about 30 seconds to a minute mid mile.  The third mile I ran with no breaks.  And the fourth mile...well I walked a few more times.  (And of course rough estimates of mileage since I had no voice whispering in my ear).    

I got to where I assumed would be roughly the 4 mile mark and I was almost dead on!  I was right.  3.96 miles.  So I ran onward and then walked the other three tenths of a mile home.  First 'long' run of half marathon training completed.  (and yes, I know that 'long' is a relative term and in a few weeks I will be saying "four miles is a short run!")

I got home and drank some water....lots of water. 

Did I say I drank some water??   I must remember that in the heat, with longer runs, I am going to have to carry some water with me.  I made myself a bacon (turkey bacon), egg and cheese sandwich ate it with some strawberries and called it a morning.

Some geocaching, lunch out (Panera Bread Strawberry Poppy seed chicken salad is SOOOO yummy..I hate to see it leave when the season ends) and then a visit with my friend.  Home in the evening for some backed zuchini parmesan and a movie (I finally joined the world and saw the Disney Movie, "Frozen") and just some relaxing.    I closed out the evening with some Vanilla Oreo Cookies.  Yum!   Fun, productive (laundry completed amidst my days activities) and relaxing!

And if you didn't notice?  My eating is spot on today!   I have been stuck in a 5 pound weight vortex for the last bunch of months.  On Wednesday I was at the top end of my 5 pound range at 254.  I kept food pretty solid through Thursday and Friday and yesterday I was at 250 when I woke up.  I was determined.   TOTALLY determined to not mess this up. I ate breakfast......I ate a basic lunch (emphasis on fruits and veggies) and I planned out my dinner.  I knew my family was going to Southwest Moe's.  I looked at the calories and realized that I could 'afford' an Art Vandalay JUNIOR and the side of chips.   I didn't succumb to the full sized Art.  I ate the Junior.  I didn't succumb to the queso.  I didn't succumb to the extra chips.  I ate what I had the calories for. And guess what?   This morning my weight was 249.8.   Holy Moley!  I dropped below the vortex!   So yes, my food today....calculated and planned.  I was actually spot on at my planned calorie count today, with the exception of the oreos.  The oreos were over my 1200 calories, however according to mapmyrun, I earned just shy of 1000 calories...and geocaching usually nets me a mile or two of walking.  So I'm not worried about the 227 calories of those four cookies.  :-)     

Yesterday I had the fun of going to the most interesting bike race.  High wheels....the old fashioned bicycles.  How fun!  :-)

Do it or not.....

Tonight was the Donut Alley Rally 5k.   Part of me REALLY wanted to do it.  After All, I have done this run for the last few years.   But then part of me really did NOT want to do this run.  After All, I haven't had a good run in AGES. My runs have been dismal and painful.  I really had a lack luster approach.  When my parents asked if I was doing it, I replied "I'm supposed to be doing it"  and the next time I answered, "I'm registered to do it."   Notice there was no commitment in those responses.  None at all.  I went and picked up my packet on Thursday night and I STILL was not overly committed to doing this run.  I may have actually prayed that something would happen to keep me from doing it.  I went back and forth.  I dind't expect a great run....I expected a dismal run actually.

I still didn't have a clue if I was going to do it when I left work on Friday at 2.  I filled my afternoon with activities (I went out and picked up a couple geocaches.)  I went back home and lounged around.  Really, I had no clue what was happening.

Finally I decided to do it.  I threw on the first exercise clothes that I touched.  Nope, there was definitely NO thought or planning.  And I prepared to leave.  My brother said this would probably e my best and most favorite run because I was heading into it with no expectations so there could be no disappointments.

I knew that since this was a timed event that I would have an official time.  So I opted to not even run any GPS tracking on my phone.  I actually out of habit put on my heart rate monitor chest strap, but I never tracked a single heart beat.  I just ran.  

Off I went.  I killed some time before the run and had a few minutes to talk to my friend Kristen.  I talked a few minutes via Facebook with another friend that was doing the run and before I knew it, it was time to start.

  The gun went off and we were off.  Ok, if you've ever run a race you know it's more like we were 'crawling'.   I started to run.  A nice easy pace..but I ran.  I made it about a mile and a quarter to a mile and a half before I took a little walk break.  The last half of the run I intervaled it out....no set intervals, just run walk at what felt good.   

It wasn't exactly pretty.  It wasn't exactly a great run.  But you know what?????  It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  And that first mile and a half stretch of running.....VICTORY!!!!!!

My results.....I've run a 5k faster.....but you know what?  I've run a slower 5k before (more than once).

By golly, maybe I CAN do this half marathon!!!!!

Run Run as fast as you can......that's all that's needed. MY best!

How is my running going this week?   Well.  I went out for my run on Tuesday, my scheduled run day.  It was not pretty.  Not at all. My leg HURT.  I started almost immediately.  I kept going because I was hoping that this muscle (or whatever) would loosen up and I would feel better.

Right there...that muscle (ignore the hole in my sock please!)

The run was interesting.  I swerved down an alley that I don't normally run and it was pretty cool.  Different scenery is always awesome.  It was quiet and peaceful.  That is it was quiet and peaceful until the collie that was hiding in the bushes lunged at me.  Yes, there was a fence between us, but I swear I jumped 5 feet!!!!!

I made it about 3/4 of a mile and I just knew that I couldn't do it.  I turned around and ended my run early.  NOT a great run for my first week of half marathon training...and not a good last run before the 2015 Donut Alley Rally 5k.   (Friday night).  This is my third time to do this run.  My first time was a pretty decent time and I was actually just getting back to running after a case of plantars fasciitis.   My second time was 'eh'.    We shall see what happens with my time.  I don't expect great things. 

I've been filled with LOTS of self doubt about running and being able to complete the races that I am registered for.  Yes, this 5K  and even bigger the 1/2 marathon in October.  Lots of self doubt!  Seriously, I must be crazy for even thinking I can do this.

So I've been a bit worried and down about my running.   The other day a friend from college put a picture on Facebook and the caption/meme said "Don't forget, no matter how slow you are going, you are lapping everyone that is still sitting on the couch"   I've seen that before but totally needed to hear it.    But the REAL pick me up came from a gal I've never met.    I just follow her on Facebook because, like me she is working to lose weight.  She has run various races.  I know there is at LEAST one half marathon....but I'm pretty sure a couple halves are under her belt.   The other day she posted a picture of her watch and stats.  She was so proud of he fact that she had run her fastest 2 miles...EVER.  (she went on to say at least that she has a record of). I was happy for her. Very happy.  I like people to succeed.  She has trained to run and has run consistently so she deserved it right?   But then I did a double take at the times displayed on the watch. 2 miles in 27.44 minutes. I have done the math over and over that is a 13.52 minute mile.   Why am I stressing about my pace?   She is proud of hers......and while I have done better in the past.....that is in the past....right now mine is very similar to hers...and I need to learn to be PROUD that I am out there running!!!

My baby kitty Ethel (ok, she is actually a geriatric kitty) has discovered that when I am at home, she can come over and stand at my chair and cry and get what she wants.  What does she want?   She has a really bad case of arthritis that makes it difficult for her to walk and near impossible for her to jump. She can get up on my bed because I have a ramp of sorts for her to use.  (She can use that on good days).  Otherwise she lays on blankets and pillows that I have for her.  (No worries.....she isn't in pain...she isn't miserable.  She is a happy little kitty cat and I will NOT let her suffer when her time comes).   So anyway, she comes to my chair and cries.  I lift her up and she lays on my chest for at least an hour or two.   Yes, I don't move her...she's a cat, I don't make cats move!   So here is a picture of my baby Ethel and I!!!

Smelly dishrag

I don't normally post intensely personal stuff...but today I'm going to because it's made me realize some things about myself.  And while this is a weight loss blog, life intertwines together.  The foot-bone is connected to the ankle bone and the ankle bone is connected to the.......(or however that song goes).  It's all connected.

This week I may have lost a friend. She made a comment about my divorce proceedings.  It was something that I knew to be wrong.   Normally I would just shut my mouth and smile and nod and let the other person go on believing that they were right.  I don't like to hurt peoples feelings.  I like peace.  This week I just couldn't do it.  I don't know why....was it because the stars were aligned perfectly?  Was there a high tide?  A southeast wind blowing?   Who knows.  But I stopped her and said "Actually you are wrong.  That is not true."  She didn't take it well and began to argue her point and wouldn't listen when I said that I had court documents stating that my words were true.  She just kept arguing.  She wouldn't listen  when I said I had actually talked to court representatives.  She just kept arguing her point....and her arguments started to change and were contradictory (yes, I called her on that too).  She didn't listen when I said that under oath they had me affirm that I understood the procedures and wait and all that.  Eventually she ran off screaming and left.  She has 'tried' to apologize...but it was and has been followed by the words "However" and "But"  as she continues to argue her point.  

Here is the weird part.  I feel strangely at peace.  Probably more peaceful than I have felt in a LONG time.  I'm tired of being a dishrag that just accepts the verbal vomit of others.  Be it lies, incorrect information or whatever.  It insults my intelligence to smile and nod and 'publically accept it'.  I'm not saying that I'm going to argue every point. I'm not saying that there isn't a time and a place.  I"m saying that I'm tired of being made to feel inadequate and stupid.....when I am nothing near inadequate and stupid.   I don't need to be a dishrag that is just limp and meek.  

I've decided that I will be running alone and training alone.  Running with a partner has not been good for me.  My running partner usually runs 3-5 feet ahead of me.  Always making me feel (are you ready for it...here it comes).....inadequate.  I'm always chasing her because "I'm the slow one".  Running alone I will run for ME.  I did incredible when I was training by myself before.  Absolutely incredible. And I will do incredible again!  

So today I went out running.  I ran for ME!  I didn't run 3 feet behind someone.  I didn't have anyone 'encouraging' me.   And actually today I ran one of my FASTEST half miles in MONTHS....and it was at the tail end of my 3 miles!...so I guess it's working already!  Now don't get too excited.   It's still SLOW!  But I feel hopeful about running for the first time in weeks...no months!

I may be home a bit more and by myself a bit more.  But you know what?  I kinda like my own company.  Maybe it's time to write again.  Maybe it's time to be me!   And in finding me....maybe I can finally conquer this weight once and for all!  I know that emotions....stress....and all of that plays a HUGE part in weight loss.  So hopefully!   

The Boss

Why yes, I was losing weight and doing really good.  And why yes, it all seemed to crumble around me this week.   Ok, maybe not that bad.   However, the numbers on the scales were REALLY up yesterday.  Like 4 pounds up.  It could just be an aberration due to a few factors (dehydration, water retention, etc etc etc).  No worries.  Ok, maybe we should be a bit worried because I DID have a dessert at Panera bread yesterday....uhhhhhhhh.....   And well there MAY have been cheese fries on Monday!!!

This week has been emotional.  The break-up of my marriage was necessary.  For both of us really.  We were both unhappy in a marriage and hanging on because we were still friends.  Yes, even through the worst of it, we would have a day where we got away and just enjoyed each others companionship and friendship.  Even when I wanted to beat him up for what he did and how he broke my heart....I still enjoyed his friendship.   So lets be honest.....it's hard because by leaving the marriage I have lost the companionship and friendship of someone that has been in my life for 17 years of my life.  Do I want to go back?  No, as a husband he was horrible. But I'm put into a weird position of watching my friends and family gasp in horror when I do spend time, as a friend; with my ex.  I'm put in the weird position of picking up my ex and feeling sadness as I see the property that we owned (ok, I'm still on the title...but that's just a technicality.)   I long for some aspects of the marriage....but I revel in the freedom of being out of an emotionally harmful situation.  It's really a rather odd dichotomous mix of feelings.  And I know that it has affected my eating...my weight....my life.  I've got choices though.  I made choices and I have to follow the path...and come out on the top....weight wise and otherwise too!!!   I have remember that this is not a failure...how I react to the stress and emotions are the failure or win!!!

I will be 'the boss' when I am through!!!

Running....GAH.   Difficult at best. My half marathon training begins on August 9th.  I am barely, where I need to be.  But I am going to persevere and do this.  Nothing is going to keep me down.   I am going to push myself...I am going to run my heart out.  I am going to push past whatever issue is holding me back.  Ok, if possibly....my arthritic knees hurt.  My foot issue (the one that I have struggled with since I was young...as in 10 or so) is rearing its ugly head after years of no issues.   My planters fasciitis is alive and kicking (so far I've been able to keep it just at a twinge).   My body is fighting against this progress but I'm going to fight back.  I KNOW that if I fight back....my body and legs and knees will be stronger (and I will be thinner) and that the pain will most likely recede.  And...well....I will 'be the boss'!

I've taken up the hobby of geocaching...it is fun.  Cheap entertainment.  It also gets me up off the couch and moving......sometimes not as much as others (depending on where the caches are located and how far I park from the site).  Anything to keep me busy and moving.  That's the important thing I think.  (If you don't know what it is....look it up....  geocaching.com)

Look at the itty bitty container that contains a log sheet!!!

What a cute baby ammo box....threw off the hunt as I was thinking 'big'. Or rather normal sized ammo box!!!!

I need to LIVE Life.   Enjoy the ride.   Have fun.  Keep myself busy.   Run the hell off of my legs and the gas out of my car.   Happiness...that's the goal!!!!  And for me, that will be a compromise of panera bread snack stops and cheese fries on a rare occasion.  It will be road trips.   Movies.  Good food.  Long walks and sunsets.   Moderation and control....and enjoy life!!!

A day of rest

Thursday runs have been notoriously brutal lately.   I think it's because I run on the weekend, Zumba (step Zumba to boot) on Mondays, run on Tuesday, Zumba on Wednesday and then run on Thursday. Friday's are my day of rest.     So by Thursday my legs are shot and boy am I ready for that day of rest.     This week I decided that my plan was stupid.   Utterly flawed.  So I'm swapping out my rest days.  Rest in Thursday...run on Friday.  If it's my early Friday I can run on Saturday.  Not a biggie.   And being tired for that last night of Zumba is not a problem...I can tone down my movements and not be as energetic of my body is dragging.  :-). 

This change will put me in perfect alignment for the next two Friday nights.   Why yes.  August 7th I will be doing the glow run at Marty snook park at 9PM.  And on August 14th I will be doing the rumors donut alley rally at 7:30pm. Two Friday's in a row...her we go!!!  These runs will be perfect motivation for me...they are awesome for putting a pep in my step for running.  (And the free rumors donuts aren't bad either!!)

Food wise I am doing well.   My weight is steadily dropping.  I'm happy and celebrating that. I will be tickled when I get out of this 5 pound vortex that I've been stuck in!!!   Soon!!!!

I'm not monitoring my food like a nazi.  Not am I obsessing about calories.  I'm just trying to make better choices...eat less...and just figure this out one day at a time.  I am tracking....Hahahaha.  And sadly, the delicious desserts that my mom bakes to sell...I've had to say farewell to them for now.  :(

So disappointing

What a raging disappointment!    I went out on my run with high hopes and those hopes were dashed in the dirt beneath my feet.  What pray tell am I talking about?   Well, let me share.  Yesterday I received a picture text from my ex husband.  It was a picture/link to a news article in the local paper/news outlet.  The article talked about there have been at least two instances of a flasher in our town. (Making a mental note to once again start religiously carrying my pepper spray when I go out running!)   This 'gentleman' (and I use that term loosely) reveals himself to women who are out jogging.  HOT DOG!  I immediately sent the link/article to my friend and jogging buddy and told her that we are going to be doubling up on our runs in an effort to be flashed!   ha ha ha.  Especially me as on of the sightings was relatively close to where I typically run!   Alas, no one flashed me this morning.  What a disappointment!  That would have made for a fun run....one I would never forget.  (And yes, I'm joking around....I don't really want to have a flasher show me his goodies.......but it would be a run I would never forget, that I can't deny.   ha ha ha)

I've bee struggling with my weight recently.  I've been stuck in the same 5 pound range for a few months.  I guess that is good...but it's also bad.  I get to the top of the range and I cringe.   I get to the bottom and I smile, but then I jump back to the top.  Last week I was at the top end of that range, that was right about the time that I said "no more".  So I had my starting number.  255.0.   No worries.  It was going to go down!   I stepped on the scale today and I saw 252.0.  I was disappointed.  I want to be out of that 5 pound range....BAD.  (yesterday was actually 251.4....but I exercised late and then ate a later dinner...so I'm not worried about the fluctuation)  I was disappointed with myself.   Not enough to make me give up my run.  NO, it is Tuesday and Tuesdays are a run day....so out I went.  It wasn't until half way through my run that I realized how utterly stupid I was being.  Last week I was 255.0   Today I was 252.0 and I'm complaining?????   Uhhhh   by my calculations (and it's not rocket science mathematics...so I'm reasonably sure I'm correct) that is a three pound loss.  I am showing a three pound loss and I'm complaining????  Really????   

What in the world was wrong with me?   Why could I not accept the 3 pound loss?   It could be because of the 5 pound range I've been teetering within.  It could be the 'been there done that' mentality that I have had this time around.  Maybe it's the depressing thought of 'doing this once again'.  I don't know.  But today I stepped back and told myself how stupid I was.  3 pounds is three pounds!   I need to stop focusing on the 5 pound range....that five pound range stuff is for maintenance...NOT losing.  You see, when I gain as long as I was within that 5 pound range I was happy. And that is a good mentality (for maintenance) but it negates any weight loss I was having within that 5 pound range.  I was stuck with the mentality that I wasn't really losing weight until I dropped under that 5 pound range.  HOW WRONG!   Not true!  So I am celebrating....officially celebrating that I'm showing a weight loss!   NICE NICE NICE!

Another realization on my run?   I want to do this half marathon with all of my heart.  Yes, I dread the aches and pains.  Yes, my feet hurt (old injuries and feet issues are rearing their ugly head).  Yes, I worry about losing weight while I train. I find myself really hungry afterward....just ask my parents, this morning I was shoveling cereal into my mouth....and I polished off the small scoop...maybe 1/4 cup of mac and cheese, and a couple bites of a cinnamon roll.  And when I say shoveling...I mean SHOVELING!    But you know what....it will all work out, and I will succeed.  A new dream is being made!

Meanwhile, I have talked to my friend Sue (the gal that I did the Cooper River Bridge Run with).  She is planning on doing the same run in 2016 and he is planning on running it !!!!  GOOD....I was disappointed that I didn't manage to run it (stupid foot...or rather stupid step at a zumba step class.....ok ok ok, stupid MF for falling off the step) and that weekend I told myself  that I would be back to complete it as a run!  2016 baby! 

Bring it on.  I've got weight to lose.  I've got miles to run.  I've got personal records to set in running.  I've got so many things to achieve!

  

Just Do It

I have reached the end of my rope.   I had a great week. I got to spend time with the guy I'm seeing.  I got to go to Hershey Park with my family.  I got to hang out and watch movies.  I got to go out with my friend Paula.  A good week.  But I have reached the end of my rope.

I have gone to Hershey park over the years.  I had gone years ago with my friend Julie and Todd.   I struggled because with my weight I struggled with riding some of the rides.  NOT because I didn't want to ride them.  NOT because I don't like to ride them.   BUt because my weight made riding the rides difficult.  The constraints that keep the riders safe are difficult for an overweight person.    A few years later, when I was right around my lowest weight, we went back again and it was FANTASTIC.  There was no fear there was no struggle, it was just good plain fun!    I went back this past week.   It was a great fun day.  But it was rough..   As we waited in lines for the rides I worried.   I stood there in fear that I would get to the front of the ride and they would go to check my restraints and/or put me in the restraints and I wouldn't fit and I would have to do the walk of shame because I couldn't ride.  However, the restraints were so tight that I couldn't take a full deep breath.  I wasn't in any danger at all, I could breath just fine, but I couldn't get a full lung of air.  Not a biggie, but eye opening.     I did fit...each and every time. Yet the fear persisted each time I rode a ride.     I  didn't notice the next issue until just today.   I had noticed a bruise but didn't pay attention until today when I actually got a good look at myself without a shirt in the mirror. BOTH of my shoulders bear bruises where the restraints went across my shoulders.  Yes, the shoulder harnesses had to be pushed down until they clicked and I was THAT close that I bruised.    I am NOT doing this again.  I want to ride and enjoy and not have to worry about my fatness.    This has GOT to change.

My second wake up call?   I went out and lounged in the pool today.  I was on a float and fell asleep.   I apparently was out there for an hour and a half and my thighs ended up a bit burnt.  My fat gut overlaps my thighs.....yes, I have a tan line from the overhang of my gut.  HOW WRONG IS THAT????????

I did not run on Thursday or Friday.  But I did get a run in on both Saturday and Sunday.   Running is still rough, but I am pushing through!

All things stupid!!!

First of all, let me confess that my eating is OFF THE HOOK bad.  Ok, not horrible in that I'm eating cakes and cookies and pies for every meal.  But I will admit to another whoopie pie this past weekend.  No, I'm just not making the healthiest choices.  Veggies?   Fruits?   Never heard of them....what are they????   Stupid thing called nutrition!

Running.  So many random thoughts about running.

  My feet HURT.   The plantar is being stupid....  my ankle is being stupid.... the new blister that keeps wanting to form (nice hot spot go figure) is being stupid. It's all just stupid.  Add that to the general achy leggies and I'm well...it's just stupid.

Next up in running news.  Humidity.  It's stupid hot and stupid humid.  I walk outside and the humidity just sucks the breath out of ya. But I have my scheduled run days and I'm running them...regardless of the humidity (I do try to go early in the day!)

 But I did run on Sunday.  It was a ROUGH.   It was a bit later than I would have preferred.   We went to the canal and ran.  The plan was for 4 sets of eight-three intervals.  I struggled after the second 8 minute run had passed and I have to admit, I walked a bit and we only ran about 4 minutes of the last 8 minute run interval (we were back to the car).  But I was out there putting the miles on my legs.bbi can't help it that the weather and experience was stupidly brutal!!

This morning (Tuesday) was my next scheduled run.  I went out at about 7AM.  It was still humid.  (As a side note, stripping off hot sweaty clothes when I'm done running is just really nasty and wrong..it's like peeling a wet layer of skin off of my body........but I digress...back to the subject at hand.)   I set out to do at LEAST three sets of my intervals.  I made the first 8 minutes......did pretty good on it too.  It was slow but I wasn't praying for it to end.   The second 8 minute interval I was doing and I hit a "oh my word I have to walk right now" feeling.  I slowed to a walk and within seconds I got the notification through my headphones that the run interval was over.  The next run interval was the same....I gave up seconds before it was over.    I will say that after that third run interval I only walked for 1 minute (versus the three that was scheduled) and then I ran for 7 minutes more...before walking a 5 minute cool down.  I was proud of myself.   This was definitely NOT stupid.

So, the lesson I learned today?  Intervals DO work.  They push me on long after I would have caved and walked long before.  HOWEVER, I have been doing the 8-3 intervals for the last week and a half to two weeks.  It's a good length for me because I really do have to push myself to finish the 8.  The three may be a bit long but it's all good.   The problem?  My body is becoming accustomed to the 8 minutes of running.  I think my body is sensing that the 8 minutes is up and is shutting down.   Ok, that was a bit dramatic, it's not really shutting down but it's telling me that it's time to stop running.   What does this mean?    It means that on Tuesday I will be running 5-2 intervals.  Or maybe 6-1.   How about 9-4?   I will be doing SOMETHING other than 8-3. My body was becoming used to it....and that's not what I want.   I don't care what I run....I'm focusing on the miles.   The rest will fall into place.

Moving on

Why Monday night I hit up Zumba...it was a good class.   My body did fine and I feel as if I got a good workout!   

Tuesday morning I ran and it was a difficult run.   But I pushed through and didn't let myself falter.  I ran the run intervals and I walked the walk intervals.   But I knew that it was tough.  I speculated that my body only had about 12 hours recovery time from Zumba the night before, that could be the problem!

Wednesday was another Zumba class....and this morning Thursday I went running.   The 8-3 intervals proved to be my nemesis.  I have to admit I walked a few seconds here in there in my last two running intervals.   Grrr.  Makes sense though, Zumba again 12 hours before and 5 days straight of running or Zumba.   I am looking forward to my 'day of rest' tomorrow!!!

Just putting the miles on my feet....and they feel it today.  My heel (plantar fasciitis) is kicking a bit today...just a twinge thank goodness.  My ankle from this spring is achy,  my knees hurt ...ok my lower body just aches!!!!

My weight has gone down a bit from my highest weight of last week.  (Highest recent weight...I was a lot heavier years back).   For the most part I'm doing ok with my eating.   But I've had slip ups....yeah...not pretty ones.   Tuesday night I got home and I Had a need...a need for something sweet.  I raided the supply and came back with.....

Why yes, a red velvet whoopee pie.  

Why yes I ate it!    Yesterday I was just ravenous and ate breakfast, and a not so wholesome lunch, and finished it off with a veggie less dinner.   Not wise.     Trying to hold it together today.  

I'm trying!!!   

Running crazy!

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the running issues...and taking the words of advice and encouragement from everyone into consideration.   I had planned on taking off from running on Friday (scheduled rest day) and picking up on Saturday and or Sunday.   Well I ended up going away on Sunday (more on that later!)    So this morning I got up and I had a decision......was I going to attempt that 20 minute run again and face down failure again.?   Or was I going to focus on the miles and not the straight run?

Before I go into the decision let me say that the Couch to 5 K really worked for me two and a half years ago when I was first starting to run.  And I could see myself improving this time...I did great with week 3 and 4 and actually even 5...it was that straight run that was giving me grief!   I kept telling myself that I could do it..that the program worked and I pondered the extra weight and I pondered the heat and I just pondered.  I liked the instructions telling me when to run and when to walk.  I push myself until I'm told to walk....my mind tells me to give up but I keep going because I listen to that little voice.   But it just wasn't working to get me where I wanted to go.   But then I remembered the Cooper River Bridge run.  It is true that I walked the 10k because of an injury.  HOWEVER,  I had trained to run it  and went from running only once a month through the winter to being ready for a 10k (I ran 5.5 a week or soo beore the race)  Furthermore the injury wasn't because of the training but because of a wee little misstep in Zumba.  (oops....I missed the step!)   But the point that kept sticking in my mind was that I was close to the same weight and I managed to run.  What was different from March to now?  (other than the heat?)

So this morning I made my decision.  I loaded an app onto my phone....it's called "interval timer'  Yup....it's got a really catchy name.  It runs in the background of my phone.  I have it programmed for a warm up walk and then currently it is set for 8 -3 intervals...and it is set to repeat.and repeat and repeat    Eight minutes of running followed by three minutes of walking, eight minutes or running followed by three minutes of walking.  This way I have the voice in my head pushing me to finish the 8 minutes.  I then set a mileage goal in my head for the day and I went out and I ran. (and walked).    I finished my miles.    The 8 minutes get LONG at this point and I think they are never going to end.  When that airhorn (the noise I have set up to notify me) went off in my head at the end of the running segments I think I may have cheered!   But I pushed to complete them.  And admittedly, I would have probably given up and started walking a lot earlier if I had not had the interval trainer.

So as of right now I am set to train to complete this half marathon in an interval style.   I can revisit that plan if things change...but that's the plan for right now.  :-)  Things don't always go according to the set plan.  And that means I have to adjust and move on with an alternate plan!

Yesterday I passed up my run.  Why?   Paula and I went to National Harbor. 

 We hit up a circus.

We rode the Capital wheel...I think it is 180 feet high and on a pier in the Potomac.

We roamed around into the shops and had lunch. (of course)

I think we walked 4 or 5 miles yesterday.   

Moving on.....the weight HAS to come off.  I am dying to go eat a piece of cake....but I'm working on resisting.  Which means I have to go find something HEALTHY to eat.....the watermelon that tasted so good after my run has left me HUNGRY!  :-)  (Yeah, I know......proper nutrition and all that...but I was hot and that sounded SOOOOO good!)

What in the world????

I did the couch to 5 k before.   The program worked like a charm.   I was dropping weight.  I was toning up and I was able to complete each and every run that the program three at me.    This time is different.   Totally different this time.

I have been stuck on that week five for forever it seems!  I attempted that first 20 minute run the other day (fourth if July) and made it about 15 minutes before I quit and walked.     I repeated the other days and attempted it again this morning.   Once again it did not work!  I walked two or three thirty second intervals and then just totally gave it up and walked the last minute or so of the 20 minutes.    I feel like such a failure!   Why is this not working!   And even more importantly, what in the world am I going to do...I'm committed to running a marathon and I can't even make it 20 minutes!!!!

Is it mental?  Is it my diet?   Is it my extra weight (I have gained in the last 6 months)???   Could be all of them.   But honestly I had gotten myself up to running 6 miles back in early April....I haven't gained that much weight since then!!!  I increased quickly and felt wonderfull!  So why is it not working this time?????

Soooo....my plan.

Take Friday off as a rest day and attempt this 30 minutes one more time either Saturday or Sunday.  Maybe drive to the canal and do it on a nice flat shaded path.   Maybe I need to have my rest day and then the next day do my 'long/push it further' runs after that rest day, I just thought '20 minutes that's not much'. (And really I'm discussing this about a measley 20 minute run.....this is embarrassing and sobering!)

If that doesn't work I will be adjusting my training plans.  I will be implementing a walk/run interval plan.  I'll set up the interval timer on my phone and just interval to my hearts content.  I can still build miles in preparation for the half marathon and I can hopefully build the length of my run segments.  Maybe I can get back to running consistently. I know I can do it...I did it in April...I did it last fall.   I know I can do it.  But for some reason right now it's just not happening.  So instead of beating my head against the wall, I'm going to adjust and move on.    I can always adjust my plan again once /if I get over this hump!!!

No turning back now!!!!

Wow...I went out running...on a holiday...in the rain.   Kinda impressive!!!!!

It was a rough run.  I got there and I really seriously contemplated redoing week 5 day 2 of my run....but then I figured that I was just afraid of that 20 minute straight run.    I should have listened to my instinct....day two had been really rough and day three of week 5 dost go well.   Not well at all, my legs were tight and hurt.   It was bad and at about 14 minutes in I walked for a few yards and then gathered my courage and willpower to run again....but by minute 16 I was DONE.    So I'm going to go back and run day two again.  I'll get this!!!

I did register for the Philadelphia RNR 1/2 marathon...October 31 is the do or die date.  Hotel is booked and everything.   Only thing left?  Training!   There is no backsies or outs...I went non-refundable on both the registration and hotel!!!!

I didn't run today....my legs were tight and achy and I needed the rest day.  So my friend and I headed into Virginia and hit up some museums and did some shopping and had a good meal out.   My legs...ouch!!!!!!!

Seriously, I should have bought the glasses right??????

 

Pie in the sky

My friend asked me yesterday  what my goal was when the half marathon rolled around.   I tried to play dumb.  I answered 'my goal is to finish the darn thing!'   She wouldn't let me stand with that answer and responded, "your goal weight you ninny". ( Yeah she actually called me a ninny...and I call her a friend....I must be delusional or something!!!  Hahaha).  This was going on during Zumba between songs so I was able to play it off and not answer by looking winded...And I may have huffed and puffed a bit to really cement my non answer!    But ok....on the way home after Zumba I thought about it and I texted her my goal.

The half marathon we are planning on running is  in Philadelphia on October 31.  (We need to register for this puppy SOON...it shouldn't be too late...I hope...)So 4 months away.

  My realistic goal is 30 pounds.   My pie in the sky goal is 52.7 pounds....putting me at 199.9 pounds.   Yes that's a lot of pounds...but I'll also be running a lot of miles in my training!!

So I HAVE to get my food in line...not tomorrow....today!!!!!!