Acceptance

I really do feel that this acceptance of myself is a huge part of what may be holding me back. I totally haven't accepted myself as a 'thinner' person. In my mind I'm still a fat girl. I've always said that I'll probably always be a fat girl in my mind. BUT, thinking about it...I've got to do whatever I can to see myself as a normal girl...a little chunky still...but a normal weight. I didn't start to lose the weight until I accepted myself for me. I do feel that my success was and is largely contingent on the fact that I said, "woah, I like myself...even though I'm fat, I really like myself" And while they say that's the key...I'm really starting to feel taht I've changed so much physically.....that I need to really sit down and accept myself again. Yeah, I really like me....but instead of saying "woah, I like myself, even though I'm fat" is no longer relavent. I need to actually sit down and accept the fact that I'm considered 'normal' now. I need to accept my body at this new stage.

I guess I should talk more about my not so secret admirer to explain something. The note that I got was totally out of the blue and yes, a bit weird to get in a professional setting. BUT, talking more about my emotions. Number one when I read it I was in total shock. I laughed! Me...this couldn't be happening to me! I'm a fat girl! NO Way! Fat girls don't get these kinds of letters. Fat girls don't get cat calls/whistles. So why in the world was I getting this note! Shock...plain and simple. Yeah, after I thought about it I started to feel really good about it all. But it does show that I haven't accepted my body at all.

I will also say that a while back, I was crossing the street and got a whistle from a trucker. Yeah, it's a trucker... (no offense to truckers) and I about stumbled and fell because it shocked me so dang much. I don't get whistles!

And that's what needs to change. Apparently I have people that do admire my looks. Yeah, my husband and parents tell me...but do they really count? They love me. And meanwhile, I need to accept myself for what I am now. Thank the good Lord for the note to give me something concrete to really help me realize that I truly have changed.

I haven't been on the scales for a few days. This morning it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales. I weighed in at a little over 185. That is down from my high the other day of 189.4 I'll see what my official weigh in is tonight. But I'm confident taht I can keep the scales sliding downward.

WOAH.....you know.....when I first started to lose weight...way back when (120 pounds ago) My goal was to get to roughly 200 pounds. That was my goal. I had said if I could get under 200 pounds I'd be estatic. I never even dreamed of making it into the 170's.....In fact, I thought getting under 200 was a pipe dream. My 'realistic' goal was 220. Going along with the acceptance of myself...I've got to accept the fact that I made that original goal...and create a new goal for myself. Even though once I started losing weight I adjusted my goal downward into the healthy weight range, in my head, I've already far surpassed my original goal. No wonder I've been floundering!

Crazy crazy crazy

Funny thing. About a week ago we went out to eat with my parents. The next day my mom told me that my dad had made a comment about me. It was, "MaryFran is looking way to thin....her legs are looking like twigs" My dad has also since then made a few comments to me about having to fattening me up again. He said "we need to put a few pounds on you". CRAZY!

I find that when I'm single mindedly focused on losing weight that I do better. As crazy as that sounds! It scares me though...because I don't want this to be my sole focus for the rest of my life! My only consolation....I know that I have fallen off the bandwagon a good bit in the last few months and I've been able to maintain my weight (within like 5 pounds). That is a good thing! :-)

Todd said that he was worried about me. He is afraid that I'll get to my goal and then want to keep losing. He says that since I don't see the weight loss in myself that he's afraid that I'll be tempted to keep losing until I do see it. And since I don't really see 100+ pounds he's afraid that I won't see the difference with the next 30-40 pounds either. I assured him that I won't be that way! I'm so looking forward to being in that magical range of numbers that I won't do anything to budge outside of those numbers!