Fact, Fiction and myth

Even in the midst of this crisis that has me reeling in my personal life, I'm walking with my head up.  I'm walking with more 'swagger'.  I have lost 4.4 pounds since the new year.  That is fabulous!  But those four pounds have not changed me.  What has changed me is that for the first time in a while, I actually have taken control of myself.  I am not letting my addiction beat me down and take over all decisions in my life. I am taking control of myself.  And it feels GREAT!   My confidence in myself is blossoming!  It's amazing how being in control makes me feel better about myself.   The fact of the matter? The more I can manage this, the more the confidence blossoms.  It's like a  snowballs, it keeps growing!

Todd and I have been saddened.   A long time client at our business has passed away.  He died from obese related illnesses.  The diseases and illnesses started out simply and kept compounding one upon another.  He actually tried to get gastric bypass at one point but his obesity had taken it's toll on his body and he needed to lose a significant amount of weight to try to erase enough of those effects to make him a candidate.  About two years ago, our client was told by his doctors that he HAD to lose weight.  His weight was killing him.  There was nothing they could do to prolong his life.  It was HIS responsibility...no one else could save him.  His close friends held an intervention.  But sadly, he had given up and nothing could change his mind.  He passed late last week  from obesity driven diseases and illnesses that ravished his body. He was close to my age, in his early 40's.      It's sad.  It's also a reminder to me that my excess weight and my bad habits really CAN kill me.  It is not a myth....weight DOES kill!

Yesterday my food was spot on and my hour of zumba was a killer!   I noticed a change in myself during zumba.  I've been going to my class religiously for years.  Last night I was halfway through and I realized that in the last year or so I've only been going through the motions at my classes.  Last night, automatically my body kicked into overdrive and I put my all into it.  I don't want to hex myself, but I think I really have turned the corner and I'm ready to DO IT!

Emotionally, I'm holding it together.   Health wise, I'm rockin' it!  Eating is spot on (even my macaroni on Monday night was not a disaster. It was unplanned and definitely not necessary but in the grand scheme of things it only threw me 100 calories over my low daily goal...1411 calories for the day is still fabulous!).  Exercise is rolling.  I'm focused.  I'm motivated.  Like I said, I'm rockin' it!

Emotions

Yesterday was the first day of this new year that I did nothing active.  I had great intentions.  I packed my workout clothes and took them to work.  Zumba was restarting after the winter break.  WOO HOO.  I was excited.  I wasn't at work for even an hour before my world imploded.  Yes, imploded.  The issues from Friday that seemingly were at rock bottom?   Nope, definitely not rock bottom on Friday.  And I can only hope that yesterday was rock bottom.  Todd and I were texting back and forth when things became cleat to us and it was terribly difficult for me to text Todd and still hold it together for any customers that came up to my desk.  There was no question in my mind.  I immediately sent out an apology to my friend that was going to be at Zumba with me that night and I told Todd that I would be home at 6 versus 8 and that we would sit down and talk openly and clearly and make some kind of plan of attack.  Todd tends to put his head under the sand about this issue, so this was a big step because I was going to force him to take half of the stress and worry from me. (in theory at least).  I struggled all day.....lost it a few times. (usually when I was alone for a few...I would let my guard down and just sob).  I sobbed the whole way home and for the first 20 minutes after being home. It was  complete breakdown.  I was struggling to breathe, it was horrible.  Eventually I calmed down enough to try to attack.  And then Todd and I sat down.  I'm not sure we came to any conclusion.  Things are the same as they were before....but we at least are in it together now and we do have a very vague idea of where we are at and where we are going.

SOOOO, exercise was out the window.  I sat after this was all over and I was relatively calm......I was watching The Biggest Loser and I felt guilty because my exercise bike was staring at me.  But I just couldn't do it.  I was so wiped out from my emotional breakdown.   I just couldn't do it.

Furthermore, my planned dinner didn't work.   There was no way I felt capable of making dinner.  We grabbed subs from a local sub shop.  I did good....subs and some veggie chips.  Where I failed is that I added a bit of macaroni salad that I had purchased for Todd while at the grocery store the other day.  THAT threw me over my calorie count for the day by about 50 calories.    It's not a good thing...but it wasn't a bad thing.  

My emotions today?  Still a bit spotty.  But I'm planning to exercise and I'm planning to eat right!

It rears it's ugly head.

The weekend went well.  I managed to avoid all the pitfalls and temptations that a weekend normally holds.  I was hanging out with my family on Sunday and they went out to eat at fast food (Sunday is usually kids choice).  This struck fear for a moment in my heart.  First because I don't eat at fast food on my own and secondly because "holy cow, what am I going to eat!"   Not to be deterred, I calmly smiled at my family and said "sure".    I decided that I COULD and WOULD do it.  I went and with kids clamoring for my attention I studied the menu board.  I chose a grilled chicken wrap and a small french fry.  I noticed my father (my parents were also there with my brothers family) didn't get french fries....so I dropped half of my fries beside his sandwich and thus ate 1/2 of a small fry and a grilled chicken wrap.  I HAD left a huge chunk of calories for lunch because of the unknown factor so when I finally had a chance to get my phone back (my niece and nephews usually commandeer it to play games) I put in my food intake and low and behold...I did GREAT!   I even had enough calories to have 1/2 cup of ice cream after dinner that evening!   You can 'have your cake and eat it too'...it just takes planning and some minor adjustments.  I didn't order the CRISPY chicken wrap, I didn't order crazy.  I split down my fries.  I made minor adjustments and enjoyed the time with my family.

On Saturday night I made a casserole and we sat down to eat.  I knew what I was doing.  I had it all planned out.  My food was on my plate.  My food was all within my budget and I was OK caloric wise.    I ate what was planned and when I was done I felt a bit stuffed.  Not sick, but seriously full.  It was not a new feeling.  I had felt like that through most of the Christmas week.   I have felt like that a gazillion times.  It is a familiar feeling.  But seriously, after one week of eating in healthy amounts and healthier foods I was shocked at how icky I felt.  Seriously icky!  I do not like that feeling!!!! 

So why did I keep eating.  I had a vague notion inside me while I was eating.  A vague notion that said "maybe you should stop eating".   So why did I ignore that?  I ignored it because the food tasted SOOO good and I wanted to keep eating because it tasted good and filled me with that warm feeling of happiness.  Ohhh hell, that means my addiction beat me momentarily!

I still coun my weekend as a success.  I stayed within my calories.  I did great.  I was watching The Biggest Loser last night and I sooo wanted to go to the kitchen to get something to eat.  I had already eaten my snack of ice cream, and had no spare calories in my budget, at least calories that I wanted to eat.  I did not want to eat any of my earned exercise calories so I kept my butt firmly glued to the couch and ignored the craving and continued to sip on my water.  I navigated fast food.  I navigated a whole weekend and stayed within my caloric count.  VICTORY!   

Happy Birthday January 6

Today is my 6 year birthday for this blog!   6 years seems so young, yet for the life of a blog that is significantly long.  I was going through my google reader the other day.  I pulled up ALL subscriptions versus the normal 'new posts' that normally is displayed.  I was saddened by all the blogs that had not posted since 2008 or 2009.  I can hope and pray that those people had success and with that success no longer had need for a blog.  However, I clearly understand that odds are that they have given up the quest for weight loss.  Whatever the reason, I wish them much happiness.

In the last 6 years I have experienced great successes.  Reaching Onederland was huge!  I think that reaching that milestone was probably even bigger than when I finally made my doctor approved and Weight Watcher accepted (with a doctors note) weight.  If my blog was any indication, this is true as there was no major celebratory post about reaching my goal.  Seriously, I see vague references to it in sentences such as "three weeks to go until I'm considered a lifetime member"  but it just passed without luster or fanfare.  But this blog walked me through those days and I DID it!  I've had moments of sadness, such as the loss of my water jug (bucket) that saw me through the bulk of my weight loss.  I've had incredible successes.  I've passed monumental milestones.  I've worked to heal from scars that were left in my life, such as teaching my teaching experience.  Even with all the success I have encountered, I also regained.   This blog has seen me through a lot in the last 6 years.

The future is upon me......and I'm ready to reach onederland again.  I'm ready to reach goal again and this time I plan on doing it with greater fanfare than the last time. I am going to savor my successes.  I'm going to continue to be honest about my failures.  I'm going to continue to live! I"m going to continue to learn to love myself unconditionally.  I am going to win!!!

 Happy Blog Birthday to me!

PS  Down 2.4 for this week! 

Knowledge is everything

I am feeling so very excited about my weight loss efforts this time.  There is an air of excitement.  There is a feeling of contentment with what I'm doing.  It is an electric current that I can feel vibrating through my body.  I like this feeling.  It is a feeling of being in charge, empowerment.  It feels good.

Yesterday I hit a low point though.  No, not in my weight loss and the good vibrations (cue the beach boys to sing good vibrations...haa haa haa) that I have going.  But in my personal life.  An area of my life reared it's ugly head.  For a short time at work I was choking back my emotions and when I got home those emotions were set free.  Admittedly, some of the emotions could have been caused by the upcoming monthly female ick, but the issues and worries and stress were real.  I sat  at work and I wanted to eat.  I wanted to eat my worries and tears away.  I wanted to forget about the issues that threaten to drown me. I looked back at the cabinet where we have our snacks.  I knew better than to even open the cupboard doors.  Once the door is opened, I'm admitting that I'm going to eat.  It's a lost cause, once the decision is made it's hard to turn it around. I read on someones blog the other day...so sorry because I can't remember where or whom....where they had caved and pulled into a drive through to order fast food. They came to their senses and BACKED OUT OF THE DRIVE THROUGH!  How awesome is that?   That is incredible!   But I digress....I didn't open the cabinet door because I knew that if I did that I didn't have the willpower to 'back out of the drive through'.   But then I noticed the candy sitting on the counter.  We are a small office in a small town.  Our customers are awesome.  They bring us candy, cookies, cakes, donuts, you name it...they have brought it. (We had one customer was ordering pizza and decided to order and extra one for us...seriously we have great customers.)   It's post Christmas...we have candy coming out of the wazoo.  I looked at the candy.  I was so seriously tempted.  I wanted, like I've never wanted before. (OK, maybe that was a bit over dramatic).  I walked over and started fingering the bags of candy.   And then I had a brilliant idea!  Candy always gives calories per serving, which is usually a couple pieces.  So maybe I could 'afford' one piece of something...after all, I did have roughly 25 calories before I was thrown over the edge of my self imposed calorie budget.  I pulled a calculator forward and started figuring out how much each piece of candy would cost.  ONE mint chocolate candy was 28.57 calories.  Seriously?  That little piece of candy?   I kept going.   A piece of peppermint hard candy was just about 17 calories.  One piece?   Seeing the numbers really helped.  Because those tiny pieces of candy were seriously higher than I wanted to spend.  (and honestly, who eats just one piece of candy?)    And then TRUE inspiration struck!   I spent a few minutes near the candy.....and here is the end results......

Why yes, all of the candy DOES have new labels that show exactly how many calories are in one piece.  Why yes, that was my idea!  Why yes, my co-workers are probably going to kill me.  Already one coworker this morning looked at me and said, "Really MaryFran, I do not want to see how many calories are in that piece of candy, it will make me feel guilty!" (she's a size 0 or 2 or some such skinny minny size like that).  My manager was watching me do my labelling system yesterday and she was happy , because she is also trying to watch what she eats.  In fact she is really wanting a piece of the 90 calorie candy, but has since made the decision to hold off until it's a day where she has more 'available' calories to consume.  Are the rest of my coworkers going to lynch me when they return on Monday and see my 'decorations'?   Probably!  Do I care?  Not in the slightest.  You see, after putting the numbers CLEARLY on the candy, I had absolutely NO desire!  there was no way I was eating a piece of chocolate mint the size of a Hershey kiss and blowing almost 29 calories!   Knowledge is everything!

Last night, I was still feeling rather down with the personal issues.  I am proud to say that having my menu for the day totally completed and planned worked well.  I made what was planned for dinner.  I ate what was planned for dinner and when it was over, even though I wanted more. (remember, I like to feed my emotions) I said, "No, I've had enough to fuel my body."  I stayed on my couch and ignored the fat mini me that was on my shoulder telling me that food would make me feel better!  Yesterday was a success, regardless of the emotions pouring through my body. 

I have decided that at least for the time being, I need to plan out my meals a day in advance.  I need to know exactly what the plan is for the next day.  That way when that fat mini me starts screaming at me to eat in order to silence the emotions the bubble up in my life I can look at the 'plan' and keep the course!

21 days

I started researching this morning to find out how long it takes for something to become  habit.   I got some conflicting answers.  27 days, 30-40 repetitions.   The answers were anywhere between 1 month and 3 months.  Each source I checked then followed it up with the disclaimer that went something as follows. "you see, there is no exact answer because everyone is a unique individual..."  The most common consensus via research groups was that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. For the sake of argument, I'm going to say 21 days is the magical number.  21 days eh?   Well, I technically started back on my quest for health the day after Christmas.  But for the sake of ease in calucalting, (and because I didn't kick in full steam ahead until January 1) I'm going to use January 1 for my first day of my habit formulating behavior.  SO I'm 4 days in.  19% of the way there!    I am endeavoring to make tracking my food a habit (and a side note, when I'm tracking I tend to stay within my caloric budget...go figure).  I am also attempting to make exercise a habit in my life rather than something I do as a side note.  My plan for exercise is for most days to yes, do something significant.  But even on the days where I dont' want to, I'm making myself do SOMETHING active.  a 5 minute walk down the road.   A 15 minute ride on the exercise bike.  SOMETHING....ANYTHING!   Because it becomes a habit if you do it 21 times! 

The good thing about this habit thing?   After my 21 days are up, it's now a habit.  What's so good about that you ask?   In theory if it takes 21 days to create a habit, it should take 21 days to erase that new habit and replace it different habit. Therefore the habit I'm creating now will take time to be replaced by my bad decisions.  (in theory) Wow, that confused even me!

My habit

For the last few months I've had a love affair with Crystal light. It started this summer with the Pom-tini flavor.  I was so sad when I learned that Pom-tini was only a seasonal temporary flavor.  However, I quickly discovered that Cherry Pomegranate was just as good.  I took my water to work, but I drank copious amounts of crystal light at home and on the weekends.  I did purchase some small packets of crystal light (the kind that goes into bottles) for work for those days when water just doesn't cut it.   I thought I was doing great.  I was drinking LOTS of liquids.  It was nothing for me to drink a pitcher of crystal light a day, and on weekends when I was home, sometimes two!   Yet, I always woke up dying of thirst (when I drinking enough water I'm not that way) and while there were no signs, I just have felt deeply that the Crystal Light Habit needed to be checked.  Today I decided to look into it.  I always vaguely knew that Crystal light had aspartame, and I always vaguely knew what aspartame does to the body...but here is  nice simple description....it is from the Livestrong Website... 

One of the criticisms of using aspartame-sweetened foods for weight loss is that the sweet taste still tricks the brain into thinking it's hungry. This hypothesis would lead to a triggered effect in the body that would release digestive enzymes and insulin, actually increasing hunger cues and potentially causing a person to eat more. But consistently, past research did not draw this conclusion. Scientists studying this issue saw that consuming aspartame did not increase insulin, increase appetite, or increase eating and drinking more calories overall.

Despite this previous evidence, two new research studies  from the Texas Health Science Center paint a different picture. They showed that the waistlines of people who drank diet soft drinks increased 70 percent more than people who didn't drink diet soda. They saw that people who drank diet drinks had a greater likelihood to be overweight. The blame is placed on the brain triggers instigated by the sweet, calorie-less taste experience. Two other recent brain studies demonstrated this effect, showing that the body does seek out calories after eating no-calorie sweeteners such as aspartame

So while I have a pitcher of Crystal Light in my fridge (and more to make) I will be limiting my intake and focusing on my water.  Oh yeah, Diet soda?   You are also on the way out.  I've gone without many times before and I find that I don't miss you (and actually like going out to eat and saving the couple bucks by ordering a water!).   I know that the first few days will be difficult, but water really is so much more refreshing!  (in fairness, I didn't always think so...but I grew to LOVE it!)  

I am 16.7 miles into my virtual trip cross the united states.  :-)   I'm making use of that exercise bike that is in the living room!  :-)

Goodbye Christmas, See you Next Year

Crazy!  My stomach just growled.  I almost forgot what that was!  I have been eating so much food and keeping myself overly fed for so long that I almost forgot what it feels like to actually have your stomach growl with hunger! 

I am 8.8 miles away from Williamburg, VA on my virtual walk.   We walked 4.06 miles yesterday. Between the few miles on the canal and then walking down to the polar plunge I racked up more miles than I expected (I actually turned OFF my GPS tracker/pedometer while we were at the polar plunge also, so the 30-40 minutes we were standing there did NOT count in my mileage...I was a good honest with myself girl).  Yes, we wisely walked near that area and timed our hike so that when we were done walking we just had to walk a half mile to the site of the plunge and then the half mile back to the car.  It added extra distance to my walk AND made for easy parking! 

The Christmas decorations have been removed from my house and put back into storage. It was time. I will be ready for it's return in late November! After I finished cleaning the house after the removal of all things Christmas, I pulled the exercise bike into the living room from it's previous location in our bedroom. I have been wanting to ride my bike lately, but have thrown up excuse after excuse. "Todd is asleep and that will disrupt his sleep", "I don't like the angle that I would have to view the TV at if I rode in the bedroom." and of course the ever present "I would have to clear off the clothes that somehow end up hanging off the bike." All excuses...and all of those excuses are no more!   Ride I WILL....and by Christmas next year I will be in a different place emotionally and physically!!!!   I can't wait to see where that will be!!!!  The future is BRIGHT!

Out with the Old..........

Yes, Happy New Year!   I am ready to tackle this year.  I am determined to make this year one of true happiness.  The kind of happiness that bubbles up from within ones soul.  I want that happiness.  And how I'm going to work on it this year?  First and foremost, I'm going to tackle my addiction.  I have an addiction to food. I have written about it so many times in the past that I can't even think straight.  I accept the addiction.  I know I will struggle with it forever and that the trick is to learn how to manage my life around this addiction.   My saving grace in my personal battle with this addiction is that I have figured out that I can get 'high' off of the pride that flows through me when I beat down the addiction.  True, the high I get from that burst of flavor on my tongue is a totally different feeling, I can STILL conquer this!

The new year rolled in and I decided to take  the saying "out with the old and in with the new" in a very bold way.   I had been a light  blonde for the last 6-8 months.. 

 But no more of that.....I got my hair cut a few weeks back and yesterday I went RED!  Out with the old, in with the new!   Now I'm just waiting for my husband to notice.  Yup, he wasn't home when i did it.....and didn't say a word when he got home....nor has he this morning!

I've got my food planned out for today and we are heading out in a few minutes to go for a nice walk on the canal and then to go watch the idiots people doing the polar plunge in the Potomac River.  That's always good for a laugh!  

Let the walking begin!!!!  I have to get myself out of Yorktown (which is where the virtual walk starts!!!!)

Plotting and planning

It's New Years Eve and I'm sitting at work for my final four hours of work for the year 2012. New Years is the perfect time to sit and look back at your life.  It's the time to ponder where you are, where you've been and where you want to go.  It's an opportunity that we actually have each and every day, but the new glow of a fresh year sparks the fire within most of us.   I think New Years Resolutions are great.  I set one back in the beginning of January 2006.  It was January 5th and I vowed that I would change.  That blog post changed my life.  I DID change.  And I loved the change however I slipped.  In the more recent years I've had detailed and grandiose plans for change.  I was a flamboyant failure the years I made grandiose goals. 

So I started thinking about this years goals.  And I came to the conclusion that yes, sometimes New Years resolutions are reached,  but many times these goals turn into failures in our lives.  I don't want failures.  I do not want to set myself up to fail...and I will not.   So i am not setting any New Years resolutions.  Nope.  Not gonna do it!  Could I let it pass without something in the works?   No, definitely not!

So my plan.  I joined a virtual trip across the States.  I'm starting in Yorktown, VA.  Every time I do activity I will enter it into the site and it will tell me how far I've walked total.  It will even apparently show me a picture of where I am in the trip.  How cool is that?    I do not have any goals to make it to a certain point by a certain day.  It is simply going to be a cool way to track my progress. I am going to cheat a bit.  I plan on counting exercise as 1 mile walked for every 20 minutes of exercise.  So an hour of zumba will be 3 miles.  :-)  I found a free app for a pedometer on my cell phone.  I have numerous pedometers at my house, but they are usually sitting in a basket on my bathroom counter, not doing me any good when I actually take a walk.  Ooops.  I ALWAYS have my cell phone with me.   Just search in the app store for BIDMC Pedometer.  I have done preliminary tests and it seems to work pretty well.  There are also apps such as mapmyride/walk and cyclemeter out there that work perfectly using your gps. (I am excited about the pedometer though because some places I walk doesn't get good cell reception so GPS doesn't work!)

So I've asked two friends via email to join me on this walk because yes; you can have virtual walking partners!  If you would like to be a virtual walking buddy visit the website exercise.lbl.gov, sign up and then find me.  You can find me one of two ways.  My id number is 72446 but you can find me under my name, which is MaryFran and my last name is simply an S  (in case you need it, birthday is 12-10-1972)  walk with me.  No goals in mind (it will ask for goals but I'm not worried about them) just friends helping each other exercise...virtually. 

If I'm exercising, I know that I tend to eat more healthy foods and in better quantities.  If I am exercising AND eating better the weight will fall off on it's own.  There is absolutely no need to set goals.  The weight will come off in it's own time.  I'm good with that!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Body Image

I hate my body as it is right now.  Yet, I'm still quite a few (about 65) pounds lower than my highest ever weight.  I didn't hate my body at that higher weight.  I didn't lament about it. So I had a belly.  SO my thighs jiggled.  Big whop.  It didn't bother me.    I was comfortable in my own skin. I knew I was overweight but I was comfortable.  My self worth was secure.  I liked me for me.  I liked myself and I was confident in saying, "To hell with anyone that doesn't like me because I'm fat, I wouldn't want friends like that anyway."

I started losing weight simply because I wanted to.  And I found a whole new world.  I found a deeper level of confidence.  I found energy.  I found really cute clothes.  I was in my glory.  But was I happy?  No, for the first time ever I looked in the mirror and I saw a fat body.  Really?   I looked in the mirror at 315 pounds and I was at peace, yet when I looked in the mirror at 180 I saw a fat hog?  What came over me?  How could I not see it?    I will back up and say that I did see it in pictures.  There was  notable time when I was looking at a picture and I actually started questioning my husband about a thin woman in his studio and why in the world he had his arm around her.  Uhhhhh yeah, the girl was me.  So I could see that the girl in the picture was a skinny mini (I was and NEVER will be rail thin...but 315 to 180 is SKINNY)   Why could I not see it when I looked at myself?   My self confidence in myself was strong but my happiness with my body had wavered.

I maintained that lower weight for a while.  I was happy.  I loved the clothes I as able to wear and was amused to see that my style is totally different than I always thought it would be.   Fun stuff.  However, remember my happiness with my body had wavered and things were not copacetic within me.   I hadn't learned the proper life lessons needed to maintain my loss.   Looking back, it should have come as no shock that I gained weight.  I gained  lot of weight. I've got another mountain to climb to get back into my cute clothes.  65 pounds, give or take.  It's not pretty.  As my weight has increased so has my dissatisfaction with my  body.  My previous satisfaction with where I was and comfortable in my own skin when I was at that much higher weight did NOT return.   I honestly didn't expect it to.  I tasted what skinny feels like and I liked that taste.  I want that back.

As I lose the weight this time I don't know how I will combat this tendency that I displayed about not seeing myself as a thin person.  I don't have the answers.  However, I do now realize that fat is not the happy place of my earlier life.   

Fat is not for me any longer.  I'm choosing to live thin.  If I look in the mirror and see a fat chick,well so be it.  I like the energy, the confidence and the feeling of good health that swirled about me.  Body image is just that.....it's an IMAGE that my mind has conceived.  It is not a real thing...it's a perception.  I'm no longer going to be constrained to those perceptions! 

Post Christmas Haze

December is crazy.  Christmas parties and continual birthdays (it's a big Birthday month in my family).  I failed miserably with my quest for living a healthy lifestyle this month.  I have no excuses.  I just didn't do good.  I saw the chocolate....I ate the chocolate.  I thought about cake and I ate the cake.  I had absolutely no self control.   No excuses. 

I feel miserble, bloated, icky and just in dire need of losing this weight!!  Welcome to Post Christmas Haze.

The year is rolling to an end and I have been thinking about my plan.  I am NOT waiting until the new year to start.  I started tracking this week.  It hasn't been pretty.  I haven't stayed down where I like my calorie count to be.  But at least I am being honest with my eating.

Exercise.  Exercise needs to start happening.  No excuses on that either.

I have started thinking about my 2013 goals.  I want reasonable doable goals!  Attainable goals.  Because I am going to ROCK 2013!!!

I LOVE ME

I was talking to my niece and nephews the other day.  Somehow the subject of gymnastics came up. (not surprising as my niece is on a competitive gymnastics team...and she LOVES it).  I remarked that my nieces body is pure muscle and that was awesome.  (when you cuddle with her you are cuddling with a little muscular girl).  She looked at me and got the most blissful smile on her face and said "I love me!"

Out of the mouths of babes.  This is how we should ALL be.  We should be this way for ourselves.  Like us for who we are.  Like us for what we have done for ourselves.  Like us for the person that is inside.  If we all practiced the "I love me" mentality, it in theory would be easier to lose weight.  We do things for the ones that we love.  Who wouldn't think about giving up something for a person that they love with all their heart?  I would gladly forgo something for my loved ones.  Yet I won't forgo the momentary pleasure of food for myself?   Do I not think I'm worth that effort?  I won't drag myself out of bed a bit earlier to exercise.  Do I not think I'm worth the effort????  

That is where I am wrong.  I am a wonderfully made woman.  I am worth EVERY OUNCE of effort that is put into making me a better person.  I LOVE ME and I need to start acting like it!

This world would be a MUCH BETTER PLACE if everyone took the "I love me" mentality!

Turning 40

Turning 40 has been a difficult proposition for me.  As the date grew closer, I struggled.  I know that it's just a number.  I know that i'm the same person at 39 that I am at 40.  My problem came with the introspection that one does at milestones.  The big change to a new decade is one of those milestones. .....sometimes it's just the 'new year' reflection....it can be anything.   I started reflecting on where my life is.  I thought back to my hopes and dreams and where I wanted my life to go.   I found out that where I wanted my life to go and where I am are two different things entirely.  Life took some very divergent paths.   Changing course isn't the worst thing in life. I know that.   The problem is that my paths left me in a place that I do not like.  My path also dropped me into a plae where there are seemingly no way out of.  It's 'accept' situations.  Most everything I have absolutely no control over.  One of them is the teaching situation.  Yes...I still despair about the loss of my dream. (and I HATE when people try to say that that option is still open to me.....it is NOT open to me...when it's suggested and I even think about it, it restarts the nightmares, the health issues, etc etc etc) I also despair about the loss of my dream of having children.  My life has huge voids and nothing has ever taken the place of these dreams and one or two other dreams that have been trampled and killed.  I'm in an unhappy place and I don't know how to fix it.

There is however ONE thing that I do have the power to fix.  That is my weight.   That is the motivating factor behind my push recently.  Idon't have power to change anything except myself.  I can take steps to try to change the direction on SOME of the things...ie really dig in deep and search for a new job...one that pays better to help the financial situation....but for the most part there is nothing I can do.   Except for my weight. 

I am happy to say that my 4 day weekend birthday extravaganza (the home kitchen was closed, we ate OUT every meal...well except for some quick breakfasts) only caused ma a one tenth of a pound gain.   And I'm thinking that there is some water retention going on as I drank next to NOTHING this past weekend.  At least I hope.  :-)   Either way, i'm hot on the trail of weight loss for this upcoming week.....as a newly minted 40 year old.

Sentao

You know it's a bad thing when your exercise instructor steps in front of the class and her first words are "If you were here last night, are you sore too?"  Yes, my instructor actually started the class last night with those words.  And YES, I was sore from my workout on Monday.  Last night just exacerbated the soreness.  Hey, no pain no gain.  :-)    So what workout did I do that caused me this 'difficulty'?    Zumba has a new class out there.  It's called Sentao.  It's chair exercises.  I know what you are thinking!  Oh yes, I was lulled into a false sense of security when I started too.  It's exercises with a chair, how difficult can it be.  Well all I have to say is try it!  Lunges off of the chair.  Squats while you have one leg balanced on the chair.  Push ups, crunches, etc etc.  It's a WORKOUT.  A gal was there the other week trying it out and her words after it was over was "I have done body pumps and all sorts of exercise classes at various gyms and NEVER have I had a workout like that!"  I alternately hate it and love it.  I can't figure out which it is.   But I know this......if I'm sore and have achy muscles, that means it's good for me so I'll keep doing it!

So happy to see my friends last night at zumba.  One was a friend that I hadn't seen in a month or two.  She looked at me and commented on my happiness.  It made me look deeply at myself and realize that I am at peace with myself.  I was looking at scrapbooks from years and years ago and cried a bit when I saw the college era.  I miss that girl.  But I'm learning that that girl is still inside me and I"m at peace with her slow  reemergence.  I'm at peace with what is happening in my life.  I don't like all of it...but I'm at peace with it.  The beauty of it?  That peace is allowing the old long lost MaryFran to shine again. 

Day two went by without too much fanfare.  I ate right.  I exercised.  I did what I needed to do.  I peeked at the scales this morning (unfortunately after I had downed a big glass of liquids and had already eaten my breakfast) and I'm down...so I'm feeling good.   Day three is planned and I am ready to rock this day also!

Moving on

Day one is in the books.  Tracked, exercised, drank my water and I feel good.  I didn't weigh myself this morning, but I'm not overly concerned about my weight today.  It's the weekly weight that concerns me!  :-)  Moving on to day two.  My food for the day is already in my tracker.  My exercise is already planned.  I should be good to go!

I'm starting to think about goals and rewards for myself as I drop the weight.  So far I've come up with a massage and a pedicure.  The thing is.....I don't have a lot of extra money...so my rewards have to be rather low budget.  :-)   Thinking...thinking...thinking.  I was originally thinking about rewarding myself every 10 pounds.  But maybe I'll do every 25 for a monetary reward.  :-)  Yes....I think that sounds great!  Decisions decisions.  :-)  I will get them up and posted on a page here today at some point. 

This is no longer a thing of I want. It's a thing of I NEED!

Victory!

So thanksgiving weekend 2012 is officially in the books.   I don't feel as if I ate all that horribly.  However, I did indulge in the pumpkin roll.....and I ate the leftovers for breakfast on Friday, Saturday AND Sunday.   Luckily for me the pumpkin roll is no longer there, so it is no longer tempting me by calling my name in that sticky sweet voice that gets to me every time! My weight is up.  I accept it...but I'm not ok with it.  I need to get myself in line.   No ifs ands or buts.  Other than the pumpkin roll, I ate relatively reasonably.  But relatively reasonably is NOT good enough.  I need to be doing GOOD...I need to be on target.  Relatively reasonably is OK if I'm trying to maintain.

So I started tracking today and I'm here.

Thanksgiving 2012 had me doing something that I have had on my bucket list.  I participated in a 5K on Thanksgiving morning.  I didn't set any records.  I had not trained ANY....so I walked and had spurts of jogging.  But I did it.  I did not come in last for my age division which was my goal.  SO I am pleased.

1203 67/92 Terri Houser F 52 46:35 44:52 14:29
1204 156/176 Paula Crammer F 36 46:34 44:53 14:29
1205 157/176 Maryfran Stotler F 39 46:35 44:53 14:29

The first number is where I came in, the second set of numbers I didn't come in last in my division...which was my goal.  Obviously my name, sex and age...then the 46.34 was my gun time....and the 44:53 was my chip time.  The 14:29 was my pace.   Pitiful.  But now i have something to work against.  Paula and I are aiming to do the st. patricks day run.  And we are aiming to train and really whittle down our time!

I want to reinvent my life on a few different levels...and on the health level, I want to be FIT and active!

Sparkle

Motivation seems to be a missing element in this journey.  Right now for me it's totally missing.  I get totally disgusted with myself.  I cringe at where I'm at.  I see something that inspires me.  I gather up my desires.  It is all good. I'm gung ho to roll with this.  I start.  I hold it together for a few days, maybe even a week or two.  And then I totally fall apart.  I spiral into a woman that spins wildly out of control.  There isn't one set trigger that causes me to plumment from my healthy choices.  Sometimes it's a weekend off/away.  Sometimes it's just life that keeps me eating crazily.  Sometimes it's my self worth and the fact that food is my friend...my go to when I'm feeling down.  It's like I'm being bombarded on all sides.  Voices are screaming at me to "eat eat eat"  and I cave.  The cake tasted good.  The ice cream tasted good.  Even if something didn't taste good I still chowed it down like a starving child.  It sickens me to think about what I'm doing to myself.  It sickens me to see my lack of motivation.  I lack the motivation to get up off the couch and start running.  I lack the motivation to pull my bike out and ride it.  I lack motivation.  Without this motivation I spin in circles.

I want to end this mad plummet.  I want to be thin and happy.  Just this week I've stumbled across a few blogs and posts and whatnot of people that have reached goal or are at least at a place where they are happy with their weight.  They are trained to run marathons.  They are competing in Triathlons.  They are absolutely awe inspiring because they went from overweight couch potato and have transformed themselves into women that are gorgeous.   Their bodies have responded so well to their activities...they are svelte and thin (yeah, I know they still have their body issues and some parts of their bodies may never be perfect...but seriously!).  They are active and put their exercise first.  And most importantly, when you see pictures of them......you can see the inner peace and happiness emmanating from their eyes.  It's glaringly obvious.  I chose those two to link.  However, there are more out there.  I see a spark of life that is there.  I had that spark when I lost my weight.  I've lost that spark again as I've regained.  I'm not happy......I WANT that sparkle back!!!!!!

My motivator this week is that sparkle!!!!!!!

The Odd Couple

I have once again recommitted.  There are 10 weeks until Christmas.  I am committed to losing 15 pounds in those 10 weeks.  I thought that was a good goal.  Doable.  I am tracking.  I am watching.  I am committed to exercise at LEAST 3 times a week.  I can't go on this path.  It only leads to destruction.  It leads to the destruction of my body but it also leads to the destruction of my mind.  It is not a healthy place for me to be mentally and I refuse to live that way any longer.  Todd and I have a 4 day weekend upcoming.  Will it be difficult to do this and eat out so much?  Absolutely.  Can I do it?   Absolutely.  The first and easiest change that I plan on making at restaurants?   Water with lemon please.....instead of a diet soda.  I'm not knocking diet soda but seriously, it's not what my body needs.  Plus...they charge like 2 bucks for those things...so if I don't get a diet soda for breakfast, lunch and dinner (not that we would eat out all three meals all four days...but for the sake of argument, lets say that we do) that 6 bucks a day  6 times 4 is twenty four bucks!  That's a breakfast out!  That's a souvenir or an extra museum....all because I gave up something that I really don't need!   The other thing.  yeah, we do go to breakfast...do I REALLY need three honkin' big pancakes?  No, one pancake is sufficient.  If I order the three that is a typical order at a restaurant,  I eat them.....but I don't need them.  I order one and I'm satisfied....so by ordering ONE, I order what my body NEEDS and oh oh oh...I saved more money!  :-)

So I was talking to a friend about my issues.  She has tried to lose weight but she went into a bad realm.  She stopped eating all together.  TO the point that she became deathly ill.  Eating to her almost turns her stomach.  She doesn't want to eat.  It is a chore for her.  She's afraid if she starts to eat that she will start to regain.  She struggles to get enough calories.  SOOOOO  she and I have paired up.  Me, encouraging her to EAT...her encouraging me to NOT eat.  We are both tracking on myfitnesspal.com.  Her to make sure that she IS getting enough calories (and also for her ease of mind so that she knows that she is not eating too much...because yes, anorexia is a mental disease in the mind all centered around weight..and she isn't yet at her goal, she figured out this anorexic behavior before she lost all her weight....so she has to try to lose the last 25 of her pounds in a HEALTHY manner) and me to make sure that I'm not eating too many calories (and to ensure that I'm not error in the side of not eating enough).  It's an odd match.  It's a very odd match, but you know what?  It may work.

I have also reinstituted the daily emails to my three friends Julie, Donna and Sherry!   Thanks gals...YOU ROCK!

addictions

I'm an addict.  My addiction is food. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad.  I eat to celebrate and I eat to forget.   Last week I totally succumbed to the addiction....I tried to feed my sadness away.  I tried to eat so much that I would forget the pain I feel inside me.  I finally came up for air and then I hated myself even more for the abuse that I did.  In reality, I didn't eat 4 cakes, 6 dozen cookies, or other crazy things.  I just made poor choices.  I'm embarrassed to say how many times I ate at Burger King.  yes, Burger King...and I don't eat fast food.  Poor choices.....but still feeding an addiction that burns brightly in me.

How will I overcome.  How will I beat this sadness that is threatening to take over me, lock stock and barrel?   I don't know.   But I do know that food is NOT the answer.  Now if I can just convince myself of that each time I go to the kitchen!