True failure is not even trying!

I've been sitting around here, just whining in my head about how I am 'fat' and how miserable I am and how much I wish I would never have regained this weight and how much I hate myself for where I'm at.  Yes, how much I hate myself.  Seriously.  I hate myself more NOW than I did when I weighed my highest ever weight.  So I sit in my self induced pity party.  I sit there and don't do anything.  I've been saying over and over and over again that I am going to FINALLY change the innertube on my bike.   I got a flat on my bike last memorial day.  Yes, Memorial day of 2011.   I will say that most of last summer was horrible with my back that was not in any shape to do ANYTHING.    But while that was a valid reason last summer......it quickly became an excuse.  We've had a MILD winter.  Every nice day I would look at my bike and say "well if I just had my tire fixed I'd go out..but oh well it's not!"  EXCUSE.

Today I got home from work.  It was somewhere near 60 degrees outside today.  But my bike of course had a flat tire.  I sat here on my computer.  I didn't want to mess with it.  But then I started thinking.  I'm failing....and the real shame of it is that I'm sitting back and not even fighting!  That is the failure. 

Sooooo...I pulled out the spare tube, the bike, the pump, the tools.  And I changed my tube.  I degreased my chains and I relubed it. 

That wasn't enough.......I took the bike out and rode too!

No excuses!

Wash, Rinse Repeat

Well once again, I fell off the band wagon.   This is not good for me physically and it's not good for me mentally.

I was talking though to a friend.   We were talknig about grief and what it does.  This friend mentioned that their eye sight had gotten worse and that their hair had turned gray over night, it made me sit back and think.  Yes, I had been seing gray strands in my hair for a while...but it was overnight that A patch of gray popped up.  Could it be the grief and sadness that wells up inside me?   Yes, probably.  I had long thought that my stress and emotions were playing a part in the gray hair thing.  But then last night in the middle of the night I lay in bed, unable to sleep....and it all made sense.  This incredible grief and sadness that I live with on a constant basis is partly to blame for my weight.  I can't lay all blame on something else.  I am the one in charge, I am responsible for my weight.....but I allowed my focus to be skewed by my sadness. 

The problem?  I don't know how to deal with the sadness...I don't know how to not let it affect me anymore.  Isn't that nuts?   But, that said, I'm gonig to start standing up and being myself and making HEALTHY decisions for ME...beucase honestly, my eating and exercise routines are one of the only things in my life that I really and truely have control over!!!

bucket list

Well finally got off my butt and did something on my bucket list.  Yeah, amazing...because of late I've just wanted to sit around and not do anything.  So what did I do???  I entered three pics onto a photography contest.  It's not a big contest or anything.  It's a contest commemorating the 150th year of Antietam Battlefield.  It's through the local paper.  The prize is not really a big deal to me either (haa haa haa...a stay at a local bed and breakfast...which is probably one that is a mile from my house.....or a guided tour of the battlefield.....which once again is right outside my front door).  But I did it.  :-)   http://antietam.com/view-photos   Three pics of mine are on there.  :-)

These three:

So just me putting myself out there!   I thought I would put myself out there.

january report

First things first.  This morning forgot to weigh myself ...until i was ready to walk out the door.  Kicked my shoes off but didn't have time to strip down to completely au natural (which is how I normally weigh myself).   January turned out to be exactly a 10 pound month (well, actually probably a bit more than 10 pounds as I was wearing clothes!)

I don't know where yesterdays post came from.  Maybe just finally wording it.   I'm not in any dire straights.  I'm sad.....a lot.  I don't know how to get myselsf extracted from some situations. (hello I need a new job..that would solve it...but there isn't much hiring that would fit my needs/qualifications/etc) and some situations I really have no control over.  I just have learned to take care of myself. 

That said...it's WEDNESDAY!   And it's my half day wednesday.  And it's gorgeous outside!  Hoepfully I can get in a walk outside between getting off work at noon and the dentist appointment at 1:50.  :-)  (just a cleaning).  And hopefully zumba this evening.

It's time to come out and admit what is obvious

You know...reading between the lines someone that has been reading my blog for a while can tell.  But I've never come out and said it.  I don't know why.  I guess maybe I just didn't want to admit it.  To admit it...admits that I'm not perfect.  I know I'm not perfect...but this is a major flaw....and embarrassing.  I like to be in control, and this is so not in control.

You see....I battle depression.  I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed.  I know that my depression is situational.  It happens when backed in a corner where I feel there is no easy way out....that's when it rears it's ugly head.  It's almost like I can't figure out a way to dispel the gloom that wells up inside me.   It starts small and just progressively gets worse until I'm ready to explode.

This scares me for two very clear reasons.  Both happened years ago.  I didn't really recognize what was happening to me. Both times  I knew I was sad.  I knew I was stressed.  I knew I felt horrible.

The first time I was really oblivious to how bad I was....I was in college...and luckily I had some GREAT friends. These friends really recognized where I was at and knowing it was a situational problem, they gathered around me.  I was rarely alone.  I had a private room....but when my alarm would go off, within minutes one of them would appear in my room to coax me into getting up and facing the day.  Someone was by my side almost constantly. I will forever be thankful to these gals ....who stood by me and gave me the courage to face each and every day until the situation righted itself.  I hadn't realized how badly I had sunk, until years later when during a conversation with one of those friends  she told me how utterly scared they were for me.

The second time was the scariest for me.  I was in a horrible situation.  I was living in Laurel, MD and teaching in PG county. If you are local to the DC area, that should tell you everything you want to know....but if you are not..I wrote about it some back, the good the bad and the ugly.  It wasn't a pretty scene.  Every day pushed me further into the state of being an emotional wreck.  As I wrote, I was in the ER, with breathing problems.... I cried constantly...and the feeling of not wanting to face the day was back.  I had Todd who wasn't at my side (he was still in Western Maryland) and my parents and my friend Julie..who was the only one that lived nearby. (God love em all).  But I was still alone.  And I kept sinking further.  I still didn't realize how bad it could get.  Until one day when I was riding down the road and saw a large dump truck and a thought flitted through my head.  It's a thought that should never flit through anybodies mind.  And if that's not bad enough....I started to act upon that thought.  YOu see, that thought was that 'if I pull in front of that truck I wouldn't have to live with this pain any longer".   Yes, I steered my car in that direction....and thankfully I came to my senses before any decision was irrevocable as it was only a quick jerk of the steering wheel.  I would never have thought that I was suicidal...and still don't say so. ...it's not a valid way to face a problem.  I can't do it to my friends and family.  Not an option.  But for that split second it seemed so clear.  As a side note...I walked away from teaching....the very next day.  It was luckily a situational issue that I was able to extract myself from easily.  Yes of course walking had it's own ramifications...but I was able to walk away....ALIVE.
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I have some many issues where I feel powerless and it bubbles inside me...and fills me with this gloom that I can't dispel.  It's not easy to change some of these things.  I guess a way to sum it up...right now...I feel like my life is meaningless.....in so many aspects of my life.  So yes, the depression is there....it threatens to bubble over some days.  I keep a close eye on my emotions......and sometimes just check out of life to 'decompress' ....to cry....to rejuvenate.  I NEVER want that thought to flit through my head again.


I have no clue why I'm writing this today.....it's just what was on my heart today (and yes, I took a 'mental health' day from work...so I guess that's why I'm writing it).   I don't know how to go about fixing any of the issues in my life.  I don't know how to go about finding meaning in my life.....making my life have a purpose.

Mental health does play into the weight loss.......

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That said, January is just about over......I will weigh tomorrow to see where I'm at....but as of Sunday I can claim a 7 pound loss for this month.  I'll take it....because I struggled !!!!

I'm still around....

The weekend was rough.  Lets get that out of the way right away.  ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH!  I was alone.  I was lonely. I was feeling really rejected.  I ate.  I have put everything into my journal.  I never really TOTALLY blew it.   But I was over my calorie count each and every day. (why do I sayI didn't totally blow it!?....because I aim for 1300 calories.....that is well below what I need to maintain.......I never went ABOVE what I need to maintain!).  The worst part?   I didn't exercise.  Well, I take that back.  Friday was GREAT.  I got off work, headed out to do my errands, came home and ripped through the house, moving furniture, vacuuming floors, steam cleaning carpets, scouring tubs and toilets.  You name it.  AND I found time to ride the exercise bike for 45 minutes.  Friday was SPECTACULAR.  Saturday and Sunday are where I fell.   

Monday we went into DC for the day.  My pedometer showed that we walked 6.5 miles.  Ok....I ATE for dinner.  I splurged.  But I just put my food in (VERY honest accounting) and you know what?  I was STILL under my 'maintain' caloric goal. (when I added in a few hours of walking....calculating a strolling pace too...like I said, I was VERY honest.....in fact I could have doubled the walking time, but I didn't want to overdo). 

Yesterday, Tuesday a customer brought in a tin full of homemade candy.....uhhh yeah, I wish I could say that I didn't know how it tasted....but I don't lie.  It was scrumptious!

Sooooo  I haven't stepped onto the scales in about a week.  I did so this morning.  My weight stayed exactly the same.  I'm ok with that.  I held it steady at least during my 'bad week'.  I didn't gain!  That's the important thing from this past weekend.

So today I'm DYING to go out to eat.  Todd and I are both off at noon today.  Typically that would be cause for going out to eat.  But I know that if we go, first of all it's money out of our pocket...we are trying to save!  But secondly, where I want to go is super high in calories.  :-)   SOOOO  this morning before I left, I whipped together as soup and I have it in the crockpot this morning.  :-)  Lunch eat out temptation averted.  

SO I'm still around....haven't fallen off the face of the earth......just hanging on!

Miles and a new day

So putting my bad day behind me.  I tried to hold it together yesterday and didn't TOTALLY blow it.  But today is a new day.  And I'm on target and feeling strong!

I"m at work, it's my early day, meaning I get off work at 2.  I also will probably hit up the grocery store and target this afternoon after work.  But I'm determined to exercise today.  No ifs ands or buts. It may be when I get back from town, but it's gonna happen. 

We have a recumbent style exercise bike in our bedroom.  It's in a cramped space and honestly we don't have a 'better place for it".  It tends to get piled up with stuff....but today my mission is to clear it off and ride it!  I need to start putting more miles on!  I have a mileage goal that I would love to make.  I know that the miles will add up much faster when i'm out on my bike this summer.....and honestly they will add up much faster on my exercise bike.  :-)  The walking should be a consitent 2 miles a few mornings a week....as Todd has figured out that walking helps his digestion!  (He actually went out and walked this morning on his own!!!  WOW, has he finally gotten it???  Has he finally gotten that he can control many of his digestion issues????)

The only thing, I don't want to lose focus on my health in a crazy attempt to get miles.  Zumba days are just that...zumba days.  I'm not counting that toward my mileage (although I probably do enough steps that I could call it a few miles!  LOL).  I have other forms of exercise that I plan on doing.  But I'm not counting those.  The mileage is above and beyond those things!

stress didn't get me...mindless eating did

Conquered last night.....baked and everything.  BUT, what I baked...well I dont know, my mind wasn't there and I just wasn't happy with it.  So this morning I made a batch of zucchini muffins.  I had one.  It was in my budget for the day....and I don't know what happened but I estimate that six went down the hatch!!!   Yes, I ate 6 cookies before I realized what I was doing.  ARRGGHHH   I know exactly what was going through my head.  The taste sent me into that feeling of rapture...that HIGH.  And I wanted to keep that high going.  So I kept eating.  Yup, I've been doing good facing the stress eating, but the high got me anyway.  I've looked at my food budget for the day.  Not sure how I can recover from 6 (estimate because I certainly wasn't counting) cookies.  I had already packed mostly fruits and veggies for lunch which left me about 400-500 calories for dinner.  It's hard to pare down my lunch any further as I was already pared down becuase we had a nice breakfast.  ARRRGGHHHH  

I'm not going to stress it.  Because that just perpetuates the vicious cycle.  I'm going to eat wisely the rest of the day and move on.  I did it, nothing I can do to take it back.....so moving onward.

Food = Love

Wednesday Evening January 11, 2012

I had too much time to think at work today.  My job is mind numbingly boring.  I feel like I'm going insane there from the utter inactivity and lack of mental challenges.  But with everything happening in my life, sometimes it gives me too much time to think about everything and that is not good at times.  This day was one of those days.

It was a pouring rain as I drove home.  I had made a grave error, I had not planned my eating correctly and I was ravenous! AND I had to do some baking for my co-workers birthday.  Those things coupled with the sadness that pressed inward upon me was just weighing heavily upon me.   It was a short ride but my mind was in a whirl thinking about all the foods that I could eat when I got home. I didn't want to cave and eat, but I KNEW that I was going to binge.  I mentally tried to talk myself out of it. I didn't want to binge but I was buried with a feeling of utter hopelessness, becuase I KNEW that there was no hope of me NOT binging.   And I started crying.  I don't want to have an addiction.  I don't want to turn to food for comfort, for that feeling.  It is the most helpless feeling.  It is not anything that I want nor like. 

I pulled into the driveway and just sat there for a few minutes as this hopeless spirit washed over me.  I started to think about my addiction.  I didn't have a horrible childhood that made me turn to food.  I come from a family of foodies.  (maybe they have/had an addiction, that's not for me to know or judge).  My family likes food.  We like it for that tastes, the textures the flavors.  My addiction came from the love of those flavors. The high that I get when I taste excelllent foods.   BUT,   My family feeds people out of love.  And that is when I had my AHA moment.  Food is equal to love.  So what started as a simple love of food turned into an addiction and it is just natural that when I don't feel loved that I turn to food becauase food equals love.  So it's a one two punch.

SOOO I finally wiped my eyes and walked into the house.  I was still convinced that I was going to binge but my mind was in a whirl as to what I could do to my food budget plan to accomodate a little snacking and maybe even a few bits of cookie dough.  I knew I was ravenous.  So to ease the impulse to eat, I jumped right to my evening snack.  I knew I had planned about 100 calories....so I grabbed a box of the Special K Chips.  I ate about 15 chips (if that...which later turned out to be a half of serving) to curb that "I'm going to gnaw on the pantry doors i'm so hungry" feeling.  I thought about what I could ditch out of my planned dinner to gain some extra calories for the baking.   Then I prepared and ate the main part of my meal...I ditched all the little extras.  And then had a few bites of cookie dough while I was baking.   Right now I'm tempted to go eat the rest of that serving of chips...but I'm holding tight.  and I just put my food into my calorie counter.....I'm only 89 calories over for the day!    Did I binge?  Some may say yes.  But somehow, somewhere, I found the courage to hold it at bay.

This stuff is SOOO difficult!!!

My weight held steady at the higher weight again.  Not too overly surprised...I exercised late, ate dinner later, ate a very high sodium meal (tried to drink a lot of water to compensate...well over 100 ounces) but still woke up thirsty. So not too surprised.   There is no reason and I'm not going to let it get to me.  You see, I've eaten well within my caloric range. (I'm set to eat 1300 calories.  I've been right at 1300 calories each day......usually 50-100 calories over....which is GREAT!)    So I know that the pounds will start to drop.

Walked this morning on the canal for an hour.  I'll do zumba tonight.  My knee is really aching today.  But I"m plodding onward, you see...I KNOW that the arthritis pain will dissapate as my weight drops.  :-)  So 'm just working through the pain.  My knee brace is my best friend right now!  :-)

Water consumption

The weight was a bit up today.  I knew it was going to be.  I knew it as soon as I came to a semi conscious state.  Why?   I was SOOO thirsty.  Mornings when I wake up thirsty, my weight is up.

Water consumption is a tricky thing.  I've read and been told by people 'in the know' that if you wait until you are thirsty to drink....then it's too late....you are already dehydrated.    I learned this the hard way years ago when I was biking regularly.  I had a couple really scary bike rides.  I wasn't thirsty so I didn't drink.  And I ended up laying prone on the edge of the path with my bike laying beside me.  I wasn't drinking...I wasn't thirsty.  And in times of exercise the problem comes in that once you get to that point it's near impossible to 'catch up' on your water consumption while you are still exercising.  I'm very careful now.   But it makes sense and it also really makes sense as to why I'm retaining water/my weight is up on morning when I wake up just totally parched.  It's EVERY time.  (and isn't that crazy that we retain water when we are becoming dehydrated).

Sooo yes, my weight was up this morning.  I did NOTHING that would cause it to be up. I ate within my calories, I exercised (walk in the morning, zumba in the evening...so two hours of exercise).  No reason.  Well, I did eat late (zumba doesn't get over until 7:45).  So I'm not concerned.  I'm drinking my water today....my meals are all planned out.  I've got zumba tonight again for exercise.  And I'm just going to keep on keeping on and ignore that pesky number today!

I'm workin' it!

I did it.  My chanting (typing) whatever you want to call it last night worked.  I did not succumb to the temptation to eat a hole through the pantry door!  Small victories. 

This week starts another week. I'm down on the scales so I'm a happy girl. (I actually didn't weigh  myself today, but I was down significantly yesterday)   I'm rolling with the active lifestyle, getting up off the couch daily and just being active!   Today Zumba restarts for the year.  I'm tickled!  YAY!

Meanwhile, I wrote the other day about the really cold early morning hike we had on Friday......well on Saturday we went out.  Totally different.  We hiked on the canal down at Weaverton and there was ice in the water on the canal, but I was wearing a long sleeved tee shirt and a hooded zip up sweatshirt......half way through the walk, the sweatshirt had to go.  :-)





Sunday we woke up and mid morning Todd and I went out walking on the canal closer to home.  It was a bit cool still while we went out, but we walked. 



Todd went to work and a friend came over and we headed up to WIllimasport and walked on the canal up there.





And if THAT wasn't enough, I ended up meeting someone else on the battlefield right before dusk and walking a bit with them! 



I'm starting today out right.  Todd and I got up before dawn, had breakfast and we headed to the battlefield and we walked while the sun came up.  Got another hour of walking in today (plus zumba tonight...I"m on a roll!)



So I'm working toward living a more active lifestyle.    The good thing about walking with Todd in the morning?   He has some major digestive problems.  He is supposed to take a pill 1/2 hour before he eats to help his digestion work properly.  They work sporadically.  But thes last 5 days we've walked in the morning, he's not gotten sick ONCE.   Coincidence?   Time will tell!

feeding an addiction? or not???

I will not eat because I"m sad.....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm Sad....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad.....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad......that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I"m sad;....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad...that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad...that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad...that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad....that is feeding my addiction.

I will not eat because I'm sad, that is feeding my addiction.

Well at least it got me out of the kitchen.  Yes, I was putting together a breakfast casserole in the kitchen and I was really struggling.  Really struggling to not eat.  I know I'm a bit sad.....It was a rough day.  And I wanted to tear the pantry doors off their hinges and just start shovelling food into my mouth.  I started chanting in my head, I will not feed my addiction.  And then  it came to me to just write out the litany over and over.     I guess it helped, because I'm not staring into the pantry like a starving wolf staring into a hen house!

Empowerment

I started out slowly.  Right around Christmas I started thinking about it.  I started to try to make more health conscious choices....I moved slowly.  A few days before New Years and I was rolling.  So here I sit. It's the sixth day of the new year and I feel strong.  I feel alive.  I feel empowered.

Why?  Yes, I struggled again last night with the overwhelming loneliness and the utter sadness that just ripped through my soul.  But yet I feel empowered.  Isn't that a weird dichotomy?   I however DO understand where this feeling of empowerment comes from.

I've talked many times about how I KNOW that I have a food addiction.  I struggle with this need to feel that 'high' from the most awesome tasting food.  I want that. It's a really hard addiction to conquer because I can't just remove myself from a situation in which I may be confronted with my vice (IE stay out of bars if I"m an alcoholic)  No, I'm forced to confront my addiction three times a day.  Each and every meal I have to stare my addiction in the face and say "SCRAM....I'm not falling prey to your tempting pull". And sadly enough for the last year I have allowed my food addiction to win quite a few times. 

However, after only 6 or 8 days into being back on track and actually having control, I feel empowered.  I have been battling this addiction and in the last 6-8 days I've won!  I know that I will battle it for the rest of my life....but I'm in awe of the feeling of empowerment that flows through me just knowing that I've stared it in the face and I've won just for these few days.  Yes, it IS a huge victory.  But being in control is the best feeling in the world!   Do I still want to eat bad stuff and lots of it?  Yes...I'm an addict.  But Being in control tastes better than the high that food gives...and you know what?  It lasts longer too!

Control.....Control.....Control.......this is the one area of my life that I CAN control.  And you know what? It feels damn good!

Went out for a walk again this morning.  1 hour down!  :-)  It was cold again, but we just bundled up!

Mile Marker on the C&O Canal on the segment that we walked today.



Bundling up.  Yes, I wear a hat with flaps....it's SOOOOO toasty warm!

Beating down the addiction

Yesterday started out gorgously for me.  On the way to work I saw the most gorgeous sunrise.  My cell phone didn't do it justice.  There was this shaft of light shooting vertically. It was enough that I pulled to the side of the road to look at it.  My day was starting out grand!!!



Yesterday evening was a rough one for me.  I had planned out my day of eating.  I was right on target all day....all was good with my eating.  And then I went to an appointment.  This appointment typically wipes me out.  Many times I just go home and sleep.   But yesterday I didn't go home and sleep. But all afternoon and evening I just had this lingering feeling of lonliness and just utter sadness.  (Not healthy I know and I'm really trying to figure out the internal happiness stuff at the same time as I'm trying to get my physical side in line).  But why I share this is because I ate my dinner.  It was a tasty dinner and was plentiful (turkey burger , baked sweet potato fries, green beans and applesauce) but all evening I just looked longingly toward the kitchen.  Why in the world?  Why?    There was pretzels out there.  There was fig newtons out there.  There was any number of things that would taste sooo good passing my lips!  But my calorie count was DONE for the day.  I wanted to eat something so bad.  But I just KNEW that the only reason I wanted to eat was to feed my feelings.  You see, I eat and food is my friend. Food gives me that high, that feeling of happiness that I was missing.  I have an addiction to food.  And when things got rough, I wanted to turn to that addiction.   

BUT.......I know that food was not going to take that feeling away.  I KNOW that food would be a temporary salve to my soul.  The balm would only last until the last bite had passed my lips....or rather passed my taste buds.  At that point the salve would turn very bitter and not only would I once again have the feeling of lonliness and sadness....but it would be coupled with regret.  Regret because I ate something that I didn't need.  Regret because I'm trying so hard to eat healthy and I slipped.  Self hatred is a nasty thing.  And you know what?  The return of those feelings coupled with the self hatred is many instances enough to send me back to the kitchen for more food.  It's a vicious cycle!!!

I held firm.  I played the kinect for an hour or so. So not exactly exercise, but at least I was moving.

This morning I got up early and put breakfast together and popped it into the oven (I made a quiche).  While the quiche was baking I popped in Zumba and worked out for abotu 20 minutes.  We ate breakfast and we bundled up and out we went for a walk on the canal.  I'm going to win this war!!!!! 








Today is a new day.  I've already been active for an hour and 20 minutes.  I've laid out my eating plan for the day.  I'm on track.  As for the feelings that I fear will attack tonight. I'm laying out some plans to basically keep myself busy.  If I'm busy and active, those feeligns won't have time to surface....and if they don't have time to surface, then I won't be tempted with the draw of my addiction!

January 4, 2012

I think that i've started out pretty decently on my quest to get back to being healthy. I'm trying to move more...i'm trying to make healthier food choices...all that. I want to lose the weight (and i want to lose it NOW...I admit) but I don't want to be fanatical. if I'm fanatical, then the weight won't STAY off!!!!

In the past I've purchased all the fat free and low calorie items.  I've eradicated everything possible from my diet that I didn't need.  Pared back.  Elminated.   I"m not saying that that's a bad thing.  Not at all.  And I do plan to do some of that.  Afterall, if there is comparable items to use that saves...heck yes!   BUT I'm not going fanatical.  This time around, I want it to be a forever change.  Fanatical is not a forever change.  (And I wasn't as fanatical about it as some people go).  I want to strike a good balance between living and being healthy.  I don't want to have to spend 4 hours a day exercising to maintain.  But I do want to live a more active life.  I don't want to eat dry lettuce for the rest of my life. But I am willing to eat more fruits and veggies and cut out some of the sweets.  Ok, MOST of the sweets.  It's not a long term solution to cut that stuff totally.  Life without a cookie...or a piece of cake......not a life at all!  Life without pizza would be HORRIBLE!   LOL

That said.........the last time I lost the weight I never really cut back my portions....I just ate so much healthier (tons of fruist and veggies and other low cal things).  Ok, my portions were cut back some.......lol   This time around, I want to work on cutting back my portions.  It means taht in a restaurant I'm gonig to have to ask for a box at the BEGINNING of my meal.  I know me.  I'm a foodie.  I'm a food addict.  If they put the plate in front of me...even if I have plans to only eat half, when I'm done with my half, I'll plow through the other half too.  If it's boxed up....I won't!   So there are tricks to doing it.  Ohhh and the beauty of it?  I"m just as satisfied (if not more so) with only half of a meal most of the time.  Becasue face it...most restaurants give HUGE portions!  :-)  

The scales are starting to show progress....so that's GOOD!

January 3, 2012

I'm back to work today.  Part of me is bummed out, I mean...I don't want to have to go to work and be bored.  But then part of me is happy to get back to 'normal living'.  You see, I can settle into a routine and losing weight is MUCH easier with a routine!  

I picked up lots of fruit to start out my year.  I've played zumba on the Kinect two days in a row to get some activity. (I'm not rolling to call it exercise.....that is to 'diety' and I'm not dieting. I'm changing my lifestyle).  Todd and I also played a few other games on the kinect....and boy some of those made me sore!  Using muscles that i'm not used to. In particulare the boxing on Motion sports.  Of course it probably didn't help that Todd and i had a fight a few hours earlier and since nothing was resolved, I still had deeply buried feelings (and not good ones).  Yeah, I knocked him out every time we played.  BEAT DOWN.  He didn't have a chance!  But I put so much force into my punches that the muscles in my back are SORE!   Bring it on! (I highly recommend the game for those having a fight with your spouse!)

So my first two days have gone well.  I feel as if I've made some good choices and started to live healthier and cleaner!   This is MY YEAR!

A new year!

Happy New Year!!!!!

This is the year that I'm gonna do it!   I'm going to get my life straightened out.  That means weight, love, finances.  EVERYTHING!!! 

I have no resolutions.  I just know that I'm not living.  I've let life overtake me.  I want to live.  I want to suck everything that I can out of life.   It's gonna be hard, I've got some HUGE hurdles to overcome.   So no real resolutions.....just accept and embrace life!

I WILL

I don't know what clicked.  But last night we were driving home from dinner and I just knew it was time.  I am ready to get started with this weight loss.  I'm ready to put the time into cooking healthy.  I'm ready to put the time into exercise.  I"m just ready.  

Last night we stopped at Target to return a movie (The Kings Speech...excellent movie, we liked it so much that I bought a copy for Todd for Christmas and he bought a copy for me for Christmas...LOL)   We used that return money AND some Christmas money to actually pick out some games for the Kinect that "santa" gave me.  We finally had time to set it up the other night and played the games that came with it...but I had originally wanted the Kinect for the dancing games.  Todd wanted it for the boxing games.  :-)   So we picked up a few games.  I came home and did a '20 minute zumba workout'.  I worked up a sweat.  :-)  Just like a zumba class...the time FLEW by!

I talked for quite a bit with my brother last night at dinner.  I have left him off the hook (momentarily) about training with me to participate in a triathlon.  I have too many loose ends on my own to clear up and get in line to do that on my own.  BUT, I told him that I would be calling him for a different project.  What is that project?   Well.  On my bucket list one item is to ride another quarter century.  Another item is to ride a half century and then of course the grand-daddy of them all....to ride a century!  Why not complete all three items in one fell swoop?   A century would do it!  SOOOOO  I'm on the lookout for a road bike.  I've been for quite some time looking on Craigslist and keeping my eye out at other online places for a decent road bike.  I had estimated that I would need a 52cm or a 54cm size....my brother also without my saying anything also said the same.  Haven't seen anything out there yet in the times i've really seriously looked over the last year. (admittedly I go through spurts where I look a lot and then spurts where I don't).  SOOOO anyway, when I get get myself a road bike, I'm going to be starting to train for a Century ride.  I also told my brother...no cheating.  No Metric Century......I want to do a complete 100 miles!  (yes, he said he would do it with me!  He says I should aim for a 200 mile two day ride on Mothers day weekend....hmmm if I got a bike quickly, that would be fun...pushing it...but fun!)

So it's just a thing of getting that bike.  Yes, I have a really nice bike.  I bought a Trek Navigator about 10-11 years ago.  My Trek is a GREAT bike.  It has treated me well.  It's PERFECT for jaunts on the canal.  And honestly, I do not plan on getting rid of my Trek Nav.........but it's time to add something that will help me acheive my goals.  (Even when I was training religiously on my bike, my top average speed was still only 12-13 mph.....because comfort bikes will not get you the speed...and do do a century...I need to get the speed.....)

So in the meantime, my exercise/fitness plan is to just do SOMETHING active on a daily basis.  I'm not setting some fitness routine at this point.  I'm not in training mode (at this point) which requires me to ride certain times and days and amounts.  That is subject to change at any moment....but i'm just going to MOVE.  I CAN start riding my bike ASAP because riding my comfort bike WILL help get me into riding shape (I need to get a new tube...I've had a flat tire since the end of May early June..).  I CAN religiously go to zumba (when it restarts on Jan 9.)  I CAN walk.  I CAN run. (me running...funny funny sight...but I can do it).  Cold days, I can do an exercise video, or turn on the kinect.  I'm NOT going to sit back and say "I can't because I dont' have what I want".    I'm forging ahead!  And I will get that bike....and I WILL ride a century.  This year, hopefully...but I WILL do it!

What if I didn't?

Yesterday I wrote about my goals for the first three months.  I decided it was time to put my 2012 goals down on paper.  They are not resolutions.  They are GOALS.  They are something that I can strive toward.   They are the direction that I want to move toward.  Yeah, I'd like to complete those things.  But the they are goals...attainable goals....and ones I will be striving toward!

I've been doing a lot of pondering lately.  Pondering about money and it's affect on living a healthy lifestyle.   I'm not destitute, but money is TIGHT.  I'm not using this as an excuse for how I've been operating and the weight I've gained.  I am the only one responsible....not the amount of money in my pocket, not someone Else's behavior toward me...it's all me.  But back to the money...  Because it is possible to be healthy and to thin if you have no money.  But it's come to my mind that it's much easier if money is a flowing a bit more 'happily'.

Let me start at the beginning.  For the longest time I've had on my bucket list to complete a triathlon. A few things have held me back.  1.  I've been scared to take the first step.  2.  I have no clue how to go about doing it.  but 3.  I don't have the money needed to outfit myself. (I need a road bike....and some coaching...because I highly doubt the doggie paddle would be sufficient...plus I would need to have a place TO swim).  So when I saw the blurb on CNN that talked about trying to be one of the contestants I jumped at it.....because they were going to give a bike and supply the coaches and whatnot...my eyes lit up!   I could kill two birds with one stone and of course since I would be doing it in front of the world....I'd have to face my fears and just do it!

I've been advised to not wait for some random person to decide my fate...to train for a triathlon myself.  My brother also offered to train with me (from a distance...I'd be training in MD he would be training in IN) and do a tri with me.  But the same problem comes up.  I need a road bike......I don't have the money to buy a decent on.  Decent ones START at $700.  I don't have the money to .......  You get the drift.   But that started my current state of pondering the correlation between obesity and economic status.

Food.  I know that they say that it's just as easy to eat healthy as it is to eat junk food.  But seriously?   Who came up with that.  I go to the grocery store and I spend around 5 bucks for a bag of grapes.  I could go as cheap as a buck for a bag of chips (OK OK OK, at an Aldi's or other discount store...and maybe it's a buck fifty or two bucks....but STILL).   Those two items last about the same....yet the grapes were double the price!   (Yes, I know...buy in season...but 'in season' in the middle of the winter isn't happening....in the summer yeah, I can pick up in season stuff and it puts it a BIT closer to being even...but still not quite).

The grocery store example not enough?  Fast food.....cheap cheap cheap.  Honestly, it is cheaper than most other options! 

Weight watchers?   The program works!  But it costs money.  How many other programs are out there that do work...but they cost money.  Yes, the concept is free.  Calories in versus calories out...have a deficit and you lose.  But those programs assist.   Are they necessary?  NO   Are the beneficial?  Yes, many times yes.

Lets look at exercise.  I've already talked about purchasing a decent road bike.....starting at $700.  Todd and I had for years been members at various gyms.  To the tune of sixty bucks a month! (for the two of us).  We did pare back for a few years and did the ultra cheap gym and that took us to an average (including yearly fees of about $30 a month for the two of us.   Better but still it adds up and hurts the wallet when you are really tight on money.    YES, walking is cheap.  And yes, I do have a bike that is a great bike....for it's purpose...but for the direction I want to go, it's not going to suffice.  And I'll be OK...I have those things, I have videos in my arsenal and such (thank goodness I have a stockpile of videos and stuff  from when we did have more money)  But what if I didn't?  

What if I didn't?  I know that I dont' like the economic constraints put upon me with the healthy lifestyle that i want to live.  I'm not pushing forward toward things that i really want to do because of them.  I'm constantly searching for ways to circumvent the financial issues....but I'm still forced to reconcile myself to them and put certain dreams on hold.   How many other people are in the same boat?  How many other people have dreams of healthy lifestyles but are hamstrung by their finances.  I'm lucky...I have those videos sitting at my house. I'm lucky......we are not destitute, we may have to scrap it together some months, but we both consider it important enough to pay for the healthy foods.    I'm lucky, I have a bike that i CAN ride, even if it's not what I need for my future goals.   I have that.  But what if I didn't?  

Spring Chick Challenge

I'm joining the Spring Chick Challenge....It basically has 5 points that we are focusing on....




1. Commit to a NSV (non scale victory) to be assessed at the start and the conclusion of the challenge.

My NSV for this challenge is to drop a clothing size (and thus be able to get into more of my work clothes...I'm getting tired of my limited wardrobe!)

2. Commit to a set of nutrition parameters and track via MyFitnessPal or Sparkpeople or WW. Whatever tracking works for you. IF you are on maintenance and do not really track. What nutrition goals do your have?

My Nutrition plan is to basically track my food intake and my calorie expenditure and to have a deficit, to burn more than I eat! Right now i am tracking on fitday.com. I have been toying with getting a bodybugg which would mean I'd be switching to that tracking system.

3. Commit to a set of exercise parameters. These can be as loose or as flexible as you feel work for your personality, schedule, etc.

My only exercise parameter is that I exercise for at LEAST 60 minutes 4times a week. I want to aim for more. HOWEVER, I know that I'm just getting started and I need to set a realistic goal! As for what I'll be doing? That's the question of the day. My zumba classes will restart on January 8th.....I want to start walking and whatnot. I am also toying with starting a training regime.......

4. Commit to blogging at least twice weekly and 1 of those times must be you check in with a complete up date on your progress. All other blogs could include new insights, results of weekly challenges, or just letting others know how you are doing.

Not a problem. :-) As I know that I am more focused when I'm blogging......so I'm trying to blog numerous times throughout the week (while I'm at work...so usually monday through Friday)


5. Commit to support... both giving and receiving. Check others blogs and comment as you feel motivated to do.

Once again....not a problem....

The wrong way

Long weekend and honestly...I'm exhausted!  My days started early, my evenings ended late....and I was on the go from the first moment until the last.  My eating hasn't been the greatest.....the only good thing is that I was moving.  Although I have almost entirely stopped the binges....I'm eating at my meals and nothing in between (just chosing bad...I had french fries twice yesterday...lol)  Not exactly exercise but MOVING. (ie yesterday we walked ALL around DC and I was on my feet the whole time!)

Christmas was good.  But it's over and now I'm starting to get my mind game on losing this weight.  I want it GONE....and I'm ready to work for it.

I've been thinking a lot about the weight recently.  I had great success.  I lost over 130 pounds. I was on top of the world.  So why did I gain it back?   That is the question of the hour.  Because I don't want to go through this again.  I want to lose it and KEEP it off.  SOOO thinking a lot......   The first time around I lost for a variety of reasons.  Yes, I lost becuase I wanted to LIVE...I wanted to be healthy so that when the time came to have a baby I'd be ready and healthy...but I'm gonna be really honest here.  I lost to show up someone in my life.  I had visions of seeing this person walking down the street and me so very proud of how svelte I looked.  Prideful?   Absolutely!    Did it work well to motivate me?  Yeah. And yes, I did have that aha moment when that person saw me and I was thin.....but after that initial rush of pride....I was left with nothing...the motivation was done.     Prideful.....absolutely.  Am I proud of it?  No.    

The biggest motivator for me though?   I somehow convinced myself that someone in my life would love me if I lost the weight. I worked tirelessly.  I was so focused and motivated.  I lost that weight.  I was on top of the world.  I was ready to claim the prize.  Only the prize wasn't waiting there for me.  This person didn't miraculously begin to love me more.  This person didn't just look at me one day and say "WOW, you are the greatest thing!"  It didn't work.  I was a failure.   My mission was not a success.  Yeah, I lost the weight, but it didn't solve the woes of my world.  It didn't make my world the happy place that I thought it was going to.   And I started to fall back on the addiction that I had pushed to the back of my mind.  I started to self medicate myself with food.   I ate to drown my failure.  I ate to feel better.  I ate to forget about the love that I so desperately wanted....and I regained the weight.  After all, in the back of my mind I'm thinking...why not be fat again....being thin didn't bring me what i so desperately wanted.

Only, it's NOT my failure.  I just was looking to claim a prize that was not mine to claim.  Oh yeah, I still want that love.....and I am sure that the struggle to NOT self medicate myself with food will be a real and continuing problem in my future.  I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I was a success...but I turned that success into a failure......(but it's gonna be a TEMPORARY failure. )  But the big difference?  This time I'm going to do it because:
 I DESERVE to be thin.
 I DESERVE to feel on top of the world.
 I DESERVE to have men look at me and whistle.
 I DESERVE to be a healthy.
I DESERVE to have a smokin' hot body should any major un-named changes occur in my life.

I am worth it!!!!!!!  I am doing it this time for ME!   ONLY me.  Why?   Because I AM WORTH IT!!!!

Gonna have to remind myself of that daily.....because it's so easy to forget!

Productive progress

Soooo...this morning woke up and after breakfast with Todd I was most productive.  I straightened the living room and bedroom, vaccumed and shampooed the carpets, emptied the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen, swept and scrubbed (on hands and knees) the kitchen floor, made muffins for Todd, peeled and chopped my potatoes for tonights dinner, carted the compost down tot he bins, cleaned out my car and made the bed.   I love productivity. 

Interesting.  I feel more alive and part of the world when I've been productive.  How interesting is taht.  The days I"m a sluggard and just laze around the house I feel kinda useless.  But today I feel alive.  Very interesting.  :-)

Yesterday I kept my between meal binges to a nil....non existent binging between meals.  That's good.  I overate a bit at one meal and I didn't eat exactly healthy at another....but at least I didn't binge between meals (which has been a problem the last few weeks......PROGRESS!)

Today I'm working on water and the between meal binging.  :-)  I knew that it woudl be difficult because we ate a late breakfast and then it's a long haul until dinner....so I brought something for a mid afternoon snack.  I knew that if I dind't, I'd raid teh cookies, the candies and all the other goodies that have been dropped off here at work.     Progress. 

So yes, although my steps are baby steps, I'm making progress. 

The plan begins to formulate in my head

I'm losing this weight.....I haven't started, but I'm GOING to lose. My plan right now. I'm not even going to ATTEMPT to try to lose over the holidays. No way, now how. BUT, from now until the new year, I'm going to focus on trying to STOP the binges! If I can stop the binges, then when the new year comes...I'll be in MUCH better shape to really get the eating under control. I'm also thinking that yes I need to get my food under control but I'm going to focus on getting into religious/regular exercise. I know that if I work out in the morning, that I'm more apt to say "heck no I'm not going to negate that workout by eating this cupcake....or inhaling that chocolate!" Sometimes it is worth it to eat something...but for the most part it's actually a deterrent for me.
I'm looking at ways I can motivate myself with exercise. I work best with a goal. A clear cut goal...one that is verbalized and put out there for the world to see and know. I've been thinking. I've been pondering. On my own it's got to be something that doesn't require me to spend much money on outfitting myself or money for special training. (running? hmmmm)   I have a bike, it's not a road bike....it works, but it's not conducive to doing long bike events.   Swimming, that would require me to have access to a pool (drat....)   You know...it sucks trying to be healthy and switch to an active lifestyle when you are tight on money!

Binging madness

I didn't make it long before I feel off the band wagon.  I totally binged the whole weekend.  Ok, so it wasn't constant...but it was too much....it was not the best options.  It just wasn't what it should be.  I know that a lot of it is stress.....loneliness....all that jazz.  But regardless....it was a binge.

SOoooo what am I doing about it?   I'm refusing to even START eating the Christmas cookies taht are sitting on the tray over on the counter.  They are hard cookies...I don't like hard cookies.  I like soft chewy cookies.  So that is my route...dont' like that kind of cookies...so thusly I don't need to eat them.  I KNOW that if I cave and have even one......it will start the avalanche of cookie madness.  Ohhh I don't want cookie madness!

Ate a little much for breakfast. (why did I need a second bowl of cereal...and yeah, I admit it...I ate Apple Jacks...they sounded SOOOOO good...so I had some).   But ok, so that wasn't the greatest...lets just END the binge...that is my focus right now.

My last class of zumba is tonight. The new session will start in January (I think January 9)

Another day of tracking what I ate.  My calories are higher than I want them to be.  I've been at roughly 1800-2000 calories.  But you know what....I'm cognizant of what I'm doing and I'm tracking.  This is the first step.  (and even through the office christmas party I tracked and didn't blow the whole day...kept it right in that same range)

Fitness and finances.  Do they go hand in hand?  Is there a direct correlation to a healthy lifestyle and a healthy wallet?   (No, I'm not saying that if you are poor you can't be healthy.  I'm not saying that at all. I'm just proposing that it is EASIER if money issues are not involved)

Heck, I just had a really long entry written, laying out how expensive it is.....but it depressed me!    Lets just say, yes, you can lose weight on a budget...you can walk, you can run on your roads.  But to add variety into your lifestyle you really do need to have some more fundage.  Eating healthier is costlier.  That's just the way I see it. 

So am I saying that I should just throw up my hands and give up becuase I dont' have much extra money?   Absolutely not.  I will scrimp and save and do what I can to do everything that I need to do in order to lose.  I will substitute when I don't have enough money and I will do it.

BUT, it burns me up that it's more difficult for someone of limited means.  It just burns me up!

A year not wasted

Day two...still not a total success...but I'm cognizant of what I'm doing.  Easing back into this!  I'm gonna persevere!   I've made this journey before.  I said in this blog that I honestly don't look forward to this journey of weight LOSS again (maybe I'll feel differently when the numbers on the scale start diminishing) but this time I'm going to do something different.  This time around, I'm fixing ME inside and out!

Is the year wasted?  No, because I spent a lot of my year in introspection.  I have discovered things about myself.  And in that discovery, I've tried to fix those things that i find lacking and celebrate those things that are strong.

So what have I learned?

1.   Somewhere, somehow in the last years I lost who I am.  I lost the essence of MaryFran.  I have my suspicions on how.  And I'm taking steps to keep it from happening any more. But I am trying to rediscover who in the world MaryFran really is?  This is actually harder than it seems.  Because I've stifled (for various reasons) who i am.  Stepping out and being exactly who you are.  Not worrying about what people thing...just being you is extremely difficult.  (I've done some of it in the face of adversary and disinterest ...but I'm persevering).  Who am I?
      ~~~  I'm rediscovering my long ago hidden sense of humor.   I think in weird ways....very outside of the box and in doing so, it's funny as heck.  Letting those thoughts out have really released a part of me.  I'm not to the point of doing it around everyone...there are still some people in my life that want the 'toned down' robotic Maryfran.  But I'm me.....and toned down robotic is no longer acceptable.
    ~~~~~I'm discovering a passion for photography. I dabble.  I admit I dabble.  Sometimes I just mash the shutter button and hope for the best.  And sometimes, I see the pics I take and I am awed at what I did.  I discovered a while back that I feel more free when I have a camera in my hand.  But it wasn't until I was taking pictures of a co-worker that I realized how different I WAS.  My co-worker looked at me in the middle of our second photo shoot and she said "Wow, you are so different when you have a camera, just so much more fun and funny.....it's like you are a different person."    It was an ah ha moment......another facet of Maryfran
  ~~~~I'm also embracing other parts of me that have been rejected by others...and I'm LOVING it.

2.  Somewhere, probably in the midst of losing ME, I went from being a somewhat confident young lady....to being an approaching middle age fraidy cat!   An example of this.....I've flown before.  Flying did not scare me.  So in late October I booked a flight to go visit my brother.  And for the month preceeding the flight I was in a perpetual state of panic.  Why?  Was I afraid of flying?  NO  Was I afraid of checking in?  NO  Was I afraid I wasn't going to be picked up on the arrival end?  NO  Are you ready?  I was afraid of the connection. if I would have been able to book a straight flight, I would have been peachy, no fear.  But I had a layover....(a very short layover which added to my fear) and would have to deplane and find my way across a large airport , through different terminals and to another gate.  Oh my word. I was flipping out.  I tried to hide my fear. Very few people were privy to my fear.  I knew it was irrational.  I mean, seriously...what's the worse that would happen?  Something out of my control would cause me to miss my flight...so I get re booked and have to wait at a hotel by the airport or in the airport.  That's not earth shattering.  But regardless, it was my fear.  I knew I had to face it.  SO face it I did.  I managed.  Was it a flawless layover (the first was...the return trip was nightmarish.....first plane delayed, no gate to deplane first plane...finally off first plane literally 10 minutes before second plane was set to take off.......deplaned ON THE TARMAC, WILD run across the tarmac, through concourse C....through underground tunnels.....down past gate after gate....until I got to concourse A.....gate A 19 (Concourse A had 78 gates...we are talking HUGE.).......all in 10 minutes, with carry on baggage flying behind me....at a dead run.  Yes, Fat girl RAN...and fat girl made it....and yes, I thought I was going to have a lung explode!  But you know what.  I did it...I made it.  And even if I wouldn't have...nothing BAD would have happened.  Totally irrational fear.  

I still have irrational fears....but I'm looking them in the face (or trying to...some make me cower and curl up in a corner still) and conquering them.  I want the confident young lady back (well...ok, I want to be a confident middle age lady!)

3.  I feel into the trap when I got married that I should be waiting at home for my husband.....at his beck and call.  This is not a bad thing. But it is a bad thing when you do so to the extreme, I turned down opportunities to do stuff with friends.  It deterred me from doing things with myself.  My husband didn't demand it or even expect it from me.  I did it to myself.  (once again, I had my reasons...but we won't go into that here).  I'm trying to break that mold.   I'm not ignoring my husband, but if he's working...I'm NOT sitting at home.  I'm getting out.  I'm walking with friends (Hi Sherry). I'm going to dinner with friends (Hi Karen).  I'm going to zumba.  I'm going out by myself. I'm rediscovering LIFE!

Soooo these are some of the basic things I'm doing to fix ME on the inside.  I've got a LOT more to fix.  But now that I'm fixing that and finding that I really do like me......I know that the weight will drop!!!!

Day one

Ok, so day one was not the greatest.  No.....we are not going to look at the negatives.  Wea re going to focus on the positives. 

Postive things from day one.

I tracked my food!  Yes, I tracked my food intake!

I exercised!  I did my hour of zumba!  Sooo wanted to ditch it and go home after work, but I drove right by my house and went straight to zumba! 

The negative...I will own up to it, but refuse to dwell on it.  My negative is that I made a tactical error.  I ate my lunch at work, but forgot to pack a quick snack...so I ate lunch at 12 or so and then didn't eat again...went to zumba and was sooo freakin' hungry when I got home at 8:15 that I pretty much gnawed the cabinet doors off in order to get to the food.  Yeah, I overate last night.  Tactical error...one I will not be making again!  :-)   Lesson learned, time to move on.

Today is a new day.  Tracking....moving onward......workin' it!

On the road again

I've been here time and time again.   I honestly do not look forward to the journey ahead.  Let me just get this out there.  I am not looking forward to it at all.  I KNOW what to do.  I have the know how.  I KNOW what needs to be done.  The thought of doing it just bores me to tears. 

Will it be worth it though?   Yeah, I know it will.  I want the end result more than anything, so that means that I have to make the sacrifices necessary to get there.

Sooo I gave up my weight watcher membership a while back.  I was a weight watcher from 2006 onward.  The plan REALLY does work.....but you have to work the plan.  I haven't been working the plan for a while.  I know me...I need something different.  I logged onto fitday.com this morning.  Before weight watchers I had some success using that website.  So I'll start there. The only bad thing...don't think they have an app for my phone. (update...they DO have an app!)  But you know what...it worked before, I'll make it work again!  :-)

The time has come to do it.  Maybe I should be totally excited about this journey...but it's just such a long one....one that I feel like I've been doing for YEARS now.  I know that this is a rest of my life thing.....but this journey of losing is the one I dread!

Nothing Ventured Nothing gained!

Saw a blurb on CNN a few weeks ago.  In it they mentioned that they will be picking 6 average viewers (ireporters) to train for a triathlon.  It struck a chord with me (bucket list item 5......to complete in a triathlon).  So I started thinking about it.  I mentioned it to a few people so that they would hold me accountable.  I did the video yesterday and posted it today......for better or worse, I've done everything I can do.  :-)

http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-716119

Here I am

I missed yesterday.  A good friend encouraged me to check in every day.  Gotta rebuild the habit.  But I'm doign ok with my eating. I'm not setting the world on fire.  But i'm also not shoving tasty cakes into my mouth.  OK OK OK, i've not done that in YEARS.  I'm watching my points.  Eating sensibly.   Slowly retaking control of my eating.  The rest will fall in line!

Believe

I won't even tell you how many times I've listened to this song in the last few days!   It just speaks to me!

I've been walking with a friend once a week for the last few.  Today while walking with her it cemented in my mind that I'm WORTH the effort.  And I can do it.  It may not be the way I want to do it.  It may not be at the rate I lost it before.  But I can do this!  She also said that I need to write in my blog every day. (and she's right, I have better success when I'm writing...it keeps me grounded)  Even if it's only to say "Hiya"   or "How ya doin'"   So here I am.

My goal.  This week I will be focusing on my eating. My eating NEEDS to get under control.  Sitting on the fence and eating 'ok' during 'most' weeks is not cutting it.  It's keeping me from gaining TONS....but the weeks I lose control causes me to gain...  So this week. From RIGHT NOW onward, i'm going to eat RIGHT!   And yes, she's going to be asking me!  I'm counting on it!

the will

Yes, i'm a total food addict...it's ALWAYS my first thought. And the problem with a food addiction. I acn't just remove myself from situations where I will be confronted with my addiction (ie remove myself from bars if i'm an alcoholic, or whatever) I have to confront my addiction each and every day.




I was watching the biggest loser this morning... (taped it from Tuesday night...season opener) .and they said something about how they wanted to lose because they wanted to LIVE. And it hit me....that's my problem. The first time around, yeah, I had lots of reasons to lose. To try to win something back. (that didn't work) To be healthy to have a baby (still childless) But mainly because I knew that my weight was going to kill me if I didn't do anything about it and more than anything I wanted to live. I've been depressed and while I'm not bad enough to even consider doing something like that ....I don't have a drive, a will to live.  I'm just sitting  back and letting life wash over me and what happens happens. That is the crux of the problem........

A little bit of everything all rolled into one

Didn't make it to weight watchers this morning.  Yeah, bad me.  I'm taking last weeks number and my goal is to be lower than that next week. (which will be hard because I'm assuming that this week would have been higher, so I will have to recoup this last weeks gain, whatever it is/was). So why didn't I go?????   Honestly, I know that in my emotional state, if I would have gone in there and seen a higher number, I probably would have just sat down on the floor and cried. Am I up.  I would wager a HUGE bet yes.  Can I deal with that too right now?  NO.  I know it.  So I just avoided.  Is that the best course of action to avoid?  Probably not.  Am I totally avoiding the situation?  NO.  I've got a goal in my head and I'm going to work toward it.  I'm just avoiding the scale.  (oh and well, I just didn't have the energy to actually get up, get dressed and drive into town....I did all that at the very last second before having to go to work).

Yesterdays eating...ok, lunch was a bit much. I forgot to eat breakfast.... Went to a local Italian eatery for lunch and had  Baked ziti, salad and garlic bread. The owner also made us some kind of fried doughy dessert, which was yummy.  I was so full.   Dinner was late and I had a turkey burger on a bun and some mac-n-cheese.  For dessert I had some no sugar added, low fat ice cream (peanut butter ripple...yum....weis brand)

I made it to zumba.  My back was sore when it was over.  I'm going to continue to go.   I can take it slow.  It's just tired and slightly achy..nothing major.

I wish this funk would just leave.  I don't now what to do....where to turn.  I know somethings in my life have to change..but I'm clueless about how to enact the changes that I need (I'm not in control of some of the changes) and the alternative if those changes are not made is just as abhorrent.

So here I am.  Another day into the history books.  Holding on.  Got dealt another blow last night via email.....it is a blow that COULD go either way.  But the down and dirty thought right now is that I'm left holding the bag waiting for a final answer.  Great just what I need on my plate, one more thing to think about.  One more thing to worry about.  One more thing to clog up my head.

My plans for my eating yesterday?  That is the big question of the day.  How did I do with my eating. I did pretty well while at work.  I ate what was in my lunch and only had a few chips that were not in my lunchbox (the special K chips that were in my lunchbox were really stale...oops...so I threw those away and had some regular chips).  Evening.....well.....extenuating circumstances.  Found out yesterday that Todd's great uncle (he was raised with his grandparents though, so for all intent purposes this is his uncle...one he saw pretty much every day growing up) passed away and the viewing was yesterday evening.  So we mobilized and ran over there for the viewing.....and of course ended up at Battleview (the local convenience store...the ONLY one in this dink town) for dinner.  I ordered a turkey and cheese sub.  And when they asked do you want a whole one or a half one.  What do you think I said?   "Why of course I want a whole one"  ~~~~rolling eyes~~~   And of course I had a bag (individual serving size bag) of chips.  AND if that wasn't enough, we hit up the ice cream shop afterwards.. (chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with peanut butter topping...YUM....I DID order a small).   I didn't eat anything else that evening though...so I guess that's a victory.

Tonight is zumba.......yes, unless something comes up, I'm going.  Baby steps.  And weee, weight watchers tomorrow....I get to go back and see my weight rise.  But no more.....I may have an addiction to food. But food is the ONE thing in my life I do have control over.  I need to take control over this one aspect of my life. 

Silence is....

Silence is fattening in my case.  Historically, when I disappear, I am doing poorly in this weight loss game.  This last time was no different.  I feel off the wagon.  It didn't help that we had vacation stuck smack dab in the middle of my silent period.  Yes, vacations can be healthy and have weight loss results.  BUT mine didn't.  OK OK OK, I'd say about 10 pounds (home scales)....well about 10 pounds on the weight watchers scales tooo....even though our scales are WAY off in what they weigh us at.  (hell, I just put new batteries in the home scales the other week and this morning they won't even turn on....I think new scales will be entering our house tomorrow).   I'm not happy about it AT ALL.  But I know what needs to be done.  Track my food.  Just say no when the urge to snack and eat uncontrollably overtakes me.  Will power baby.  That's what it takes.

The problem?  This is a mental game.  Oh yeah, it's 100% mental.  The choices to eat or not eat something is made in my head. The war within me is fought all in a mental fashion.  I can win the mental game. It takes focus.  I've won it before, that's not a problem.  The problem......I've got so much other.....well...crapola in my mind that I can't focus on the weight.  My mind is whirling in a fever that is unprecedented for me.  Honestly, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself into oblivion.  It's not over any one thing in my life.  I can't say that I want to cry because of such and such.  It's just EVERYTHING all combined into one hellish feeling.   I know that my weight is part of it.  Yes, very much so.  But the food addiction overtakes.  Yesterday I fed my addiction.  And I'm going to put it out there...

Woke up, cried for about an hour....ate an English muffin while I packed my lunch for work (all while crying).  I made good choices for my lunch.  I got to work at 10.  By 10:30 I was struggling to hold it together emotionally and my thoughts turned to food (naturally, food is my friend).  My lunch seemed BORING and lackluster....so I called in a food order and went out and picked up a turkey and cheese sub.  I ate that with the soda that I bought.  And then I proceeded to eat the food in my lunch box ANYWAY (throughout the course of the afternoon).....applesauce, cherries, corn, jello cup, 100 calorie pack.  And that still wasn't enough, so I dug into the cabinet at work and ate some chips AND two pieces of leftover snack/granola caramel bar thingies.  I went to zumba and that did make me feel a bit better......came home and had not one, not two but THREE turkey hot dogs and some baked beans.   And after dinner.....why I had a root beer float! (hey, it was fat free ice cream...but not a diet root beer!)   I fed my addiction yesterday.  I tried to eat to down my sorrows.   Does it make me feel better?  It is a fleeting feeling of peace....but everything crashes right back upon me.  I know this.  Yet I continue to eat. 

I'm not going to promise greatness today with my eating.  I'm a food addict.  I'm for some reason depressed beyond reason.  that's not a good combination.  But I'm going to try.  I'm NOT ordering lunch, I have my lunch in my lunchbox.  I did have a decent breakfast (waffles and bacon) and I dont' know what I'll have for dinner.  My plan though is to know EXACTLY what I'm eating for dinner before I leave for work.  I don't want anything THINKING about dinner to occur when I'm in the kitchen.  I am not promising that it's going to be under my points target for the day.  But I am going to try to hold it together and not eat indiscriminately today.  THAT is my goal.

I can't fix my world....but maybe, just maybe if I fix my eating and my weight I'll feel a wee bit better about everything else.

Weigh in

Ok, so the first few weeks back at Weight Watchers my scales and the weight watchers scales were literally within a half pound of each other.  I was happy.  I would be able to keep a pretty close track on where I am in my weight loss.  So  last week I was tickled because my scales showed a nice loss.  I got to the weight watcher meeting and low and behold it only showed me down 2 pounds.  My home scales showed BIG...like 5 pounds. (yeah, that's a lot, but sometimes our bodies lose that way).  So i just chalked it up to "must have eaten something salty (I had eaten out for lunch that day between my home weigh in and my meeting weigh in) and rolled with it.  So my home scales were up a bit the next day so I felt ok.  Fast forward to this week......home scales showed me down 7 pounds from last weeks weight watcher weigh in.  So I felt confident that i would show SOME kind of loss.  NO NO NO.....I showed a gain of .6.   What's up with this?   My home scales are really my gauge.  I go by my weight watcher as my official loss counter...but my home scales are where I really feel and judge my results!  ARRGGGHHHH

This go round is going so much slower.  I don't know if it's becuase I'm just older or if it's becuase this is really old hat. I've been doign this for so long (even when I gained I ws still somewhat doing it).  I'm not sure.  But I dont like slow!  I want instananeous. Yeah, I know that's not the way that these things work. But I want it!

So I plug along.  I'm going to conquer this!!!   SOOOOOO  Even with my weight GAIN this week (and the big gain the last year or two)...I'm STILL 81.2 pounds down from my ultimate highest.  I need to build on THAT and not he measely 4.2 pounds I've lost since re-starting weight watchers!

Down but NOT out.

 I am still experiencing some issues with my back. Nothing debilitating, but just some lingering aches.  I was hoping to get back to zumba this week.  I had made it about a week without pain, felt wonderful.  So Sunday night I packed my gym bag with my clothes so that I could go straight after work.  Woke up on Monday morning.....PAIN.  Nothing major...more achy than anything...but not 100% up to snuff though. So I'm giving it another week.  I'm thinkign about heading to a chiropractor....this has been a month now. 

BUt the good news?   I HAVE restarted weight watchers and I'm holding it steady and I'm at the end of week two!  I'm gonna beat this weight again.  ANd this time, I am NOT going to regain!  NO WAY!

I've been here!

Well, my month of 'trying it on my own' is technically up.  How did I do?   In the first two weeks I lost 6 pounds.  And then life went crazy.  Over the fourth of July weekend I pulled my back out.  I was literally FLAT and couldn't move at first.  HORRIBLE!  I'm STILL in pain and it's two weeks later. So the last two weeks I've not exercised at all....and ate the easiest food to find and prepare as standing upright was a challenge for quite a while...and I've regained 4 of those pounds.  So I AM down.    Will I be joining weight watchers.  I've pretty much decided yes. 

The back....i'm thinking that yes, the extra weight is causing some of the problems.  the back I'm sure would have been healed by now...BUT the garden is producing heavily and that means lots of hours i the kitchen canning....canning is hard work on the best of days.  As in after a big canning session my body just aches...so to START canning and already have an ache, that's just a recipe for disaster.....so my healing has been 2 steps forward one step back.  A constant push and pull.  But I WILL get there.

The weight WILL come off too.  This back issue is the icing on the cake.  I'm not sayign that the back wouldn't have gotten hurt if I wasn't ....well....fat.  But I know that when I was at my doctor approved goal weight that I didn't suffer from as many back aches and knee aches and whatnot.

truckin' on

Took a sneak peak at the scales this morning.  Down a pound.  So i'm happy.   Slowly but surely I'm gonna get there.

I'm very proud of myself for really sticking to a proper eating plan.  I have splurged and had a handful of chocolate chips the last two nights.  But you know what?  I've had the points for them...so I feel absolutely no guilt.  I've also been doing really good with ignoring the diet soda in the evening.  I have been drinking a glass of Crystal Light Pink lemonade in the evenings...and that satisfies the sweet tooth/sweet drink craving.

I'm gonna do this.

Meanwhile, on top of the broken car window (husbands weedwacking produced more than chopped weeds) and the tire issue after I was run off the road by the redneck in the SUV....my shoulder muscle seems to be seizing up again (joy joy).   I have a wart that we 'froze' off yesterday here at work (yeah, I have a crazy job....) and my finger is not feeling to great.  haa haa haa.  And my eye is all swollen and hurts (bad enough that I don't have my contacts in today)  I'm just falling apart!    Don't we shoot animals that are in misery?   haa haa haa

Little nervous about the weekend.  Eating wise...we'll be going to Lancaster County with mom and dad (dad's preaching up there this weekend).....good food.  Eii yiii yiii

Ironic

Ironically enough, usually when I don't blog it means that I've not been on track.  This is not the case. Last week i was dead on...and lost 3.5 pounds.  This week I'm holding steady. I did go over my points one day, but I think I should still be ok.  :-)  We'll see.  :-)    Todd and I have gotten out for some walks and I did zumba last night and plan to again tonight.  So I'm workin' it.

Why haven't I been on........I feel like my life is crashing down around me.  Last friday I had a slight accident (ran off the road), yesterday Todd was weedwacking and a stone flew up and broke a back side window in his car....and on and on.  Life is just crashing around me.  These things just exacerbate the other daily struggles that I've been facing.

Last night I literally just wanted to sit and cry.  I soooooo thought about skipping zumba, but I went, held back my tears and exercised. I went home.  I still felt like crying.  I put together a breakfast casserold for today and ate my dinner.  I wanted to just shovel food into my mouth with no thought.  Food is my friend and I really needed a friend.  But I also realized that it would make me feel good for exactly 2 minutes (or however long it took me to eat it) but then life would come again, crashing around me.  I realized that not only would the same problems still be there...but I'd also have the self chastisment from binging on food I DIDN"T need.  So I stayed with my meal plan and because I did actually have the points, I splurged on a handful of chocolate chips.  Boy did I want more...but I didn't eat anything. I parked my butt on the couch and didn't budge!

This Girl and that girl

This girl feels horrible in her body.  Many times she doesn't do what she wants to do becuase she's afraid that people will laugh at the fat girl. 

That girl has a confidence that is evident

in the way that she walks, and stands and holds her head

This girl doesn't want to be in front of a camera.  The excess pounds squeeeze the happiness and joy from her life.  Everything seems a chore and she's always tired and halfway ill.

That girl poses for the camera.  She has no problem letting the world see the happiness and joy oozing from her pores. 

So what is the difference?  The pictures are all of the same person.  We could say time..."This" girl was younger and hadn't realized the important thigns in life and that "THAT" girl had?  But there is one thing that blows that theory out of the water....and that is the NOW girl. 

I'd like you to meet 'NOW' girl. 

I changed myself from "this girl"  and turned into the "That girl".  I was like a butterfly coming out of it's cacoon.  I felt wonderful.  I felt beautiful.  I felt ALIVE for the first time in years.   I swore that I would NEVER return to "THIS girl" , the overweight sad girl.  NEVER would it happen.  But I lost control.  I've regained (thank heavens not everything) but I have watched the life drain from me.  I'm once again ashamed.  I'm once again not holding my head high.  I'm once again not the happy bubbly confident person,....that person that I KNOW is still lurking inside me.   

I want "THAT" girl back. 

All was not lost

Thought I screwed up last night.  REALLY thought I screwed up.  I ate breakfast at home (waffles) so I used a fair amount of points.  I knew what was being served for dinner so I planned my lunch accordingly.  Which means I had lots of free points fruits and veggies.  However, I was trying something new in my lunch and i hated it...so I threw it away.  So that left me with JUST fruits and veggies.  No problem...all is good. I was actually satisfied after I ate.  The problem came when I was halfway through Zumba....my stomach started to complain.  I was hungry!  I made it through zumba and went home.  While dinner was being finished up, I had a string cheese and one slice of bread with a light skein of butter on it....THEN I ate dinner.  And about an hour after dinner i was still hungry so I had some baked chips.   ~~~~Slaps forehead!~~~~  So i was disappointed with my day. 

BUT this morning I went online to face the music and put in my 'additional' food and of course to take out my uneaten food from lunch (the stuff that went into the garbage).  I refused to look at my totals until it was all entered.   LOW AND BEHOLD...I WAS STILL UNDER BUDGET!  Yes, that deserved caps! 

Fast forward to today.  I packed food in my lunchbox that I KNOW that I'll like.  Because my breakfast today was a bit high.  So by the time breakfast, lunch and snacks are eaten....and I get home from Zumba, I will have only 9 points for dinner.  Not a problem, we have a delicious watermelon in the fridge...and the grapes are pretty darn tasty too.  And peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are my go-to dinner when I'm home alone (which I will be) so I'll be within budget...AS LONG AS I AM NOT SO HUNGRY THAT I JUST GOBBLE FOOD LIKE A STARVING PIG!

Didn't weigh myself today (I try not to weigh after my late night dinners) ...but yesterday morning I was showing down on the scales...so I was pretty happy.  I'm gonna do this!!!  No ifs ands or buts!