Thursday, December 15, 2011

A year not wasted

Day two...still not a total success...but I'm cognizant of what I'm doing.  Easing back into this!  I'm gonna persevere!   I've made this journey before.  I said in this blog that I honestly don't look forward to this journey of weight LOSS again (maybe I'll feel differently when the numbers on the scale start diminishing) but this time I'm going to do something different.  This time around, I'm fixing ME inside and out!

Is the year wasted?  No, because I spent a lot of my year in introspection.  I have discovered things about myself.  And in that discovery, I've tried to fix those things that i find lacking and celebrate those things that are strong.

So what have I learned?

1.   Somewhere, somehow in the last years I lost who I am.  I lost the essence of MaryFran.  I have my suspicions on how.  And I'm taking steps to keep it from happening any more. But I am trying to rediscover who in the world MaryFran really is?  This is actually harder than it seems.  Because I've stifled (for various reasons) who i am.  Stepping out and being exactly who you are.  Not worrying about what people thing...just being you is extremely difficult.  (I've done some of it in the face of adversary and disinterest ...but I'm persevering).  Who am I?
      ~~~  I'm rediscovering my long ago hidden sense of humor.   I think in weird ways....very outside of the box and in doing so, it's funny as heck.  Letting those thoughts out have really released a part of me.  I'm not to the point of doing it around everyone...there are still some people in my life that want the 'toned down' robotic Maryfran.  But I'm me.....and toned down robotic is no longer acceptable.
    ~~~~~I'm discovering a passion for photography. I dabble.  I admit I dabble.  Sometimes I just mash the shutter button and hope for the best.  And sometimes, I see the pics I take and I am awed at what I did.  I discovered a while back that I feel more free when I have a camera in my hand.  But it wasn't until I was taking pictures of a co-worker that I realized how different I WAS.  My co-worker looked at me in the middle of our second photo shoot and she said "Wow, you are so different when you have a camera, just so much more fun and's like you are a different person."    It was an ah ha moment......another facet of Maryfran
  ~~~~I'm also embracing other parts of me that have been rejected by others...and I'm LOVING it.

2.  Somewhere, probably in the midst of losing ME, I went from being a somewhat confident young being an approaching middle age fraidy cat!   An example of this.....I've flown before.  Flying did not scare me.  So in late October I booked a flight to go visit my brother.  And for the month preceeding the flight I was in a perpetual state of panic.  Why?  Was I afraid of flying?  NO  Was I afraid of checking in?  NO  Was I afraid I wasn't going to be picked up on the arrival end?  NO  Are you ready?  I was afraid of the connection. if I would have been able to book a straight flight, I would have been peachy, no fear.  But I had a layover....(a very short layover which added to my fear) and would have to deplane and find my way across a large airport , through different terminals and to another gate.  Oh my word. I was flipping out.  I tried to hide my fear. Very few people were privy to my fear.  I knew it was irrational.  I mean, seriously...what's the worse that would happen?  Something out of my control would cause me to miss my I get re booked and have to wait at a hotel by the airport or in the airport.  That's not earth shattering.  But regardless, it was my fear.  I knew I had to face it.  SO face it I did.  I managed.  Was it a flawless layover (the first was...the return trip was nightmarish.....first plane delayed, no gate to deplane first plane...finally off first plane literally 10 minutes before second plane was set to take off.......deplaned ON THE TARMAC, WILD run across the tarmac, through concourse C....through underground tunnels.....down past gate after gate....until I got to concourse A.....gate A 19 (Concourse A had 78 gates...we are talking HUGE.).......all in 10 minutes, with carry on baggage flying behind a dead run.  Yes, Fat girl RAN...and fat girl made it....and yes, I thought I was going to have a lung explode!  But you know what.  I did it...I made it.  And even if I wouldn't have...nothing BAD would have happened.  Totally irrational fear.  

I still have irrational fears....but I'm looking them in the face (or trying to...some make me cower and curl up in a corner still) and conquering them.  I want the confident young lady back (well...ok, I want to be a confident middle age lady!)

3.  I feel into the trap when I got married that I should be waiting at home for my his beck and call.  This is not a bad thing. But it is a bad thing when you do so to the extreme, I turned down opportunities to do stuff with friends.  It deterred me from doing things with myself.  My husband didn't demand it or even expect it from me.  I did it to myself.  (once again, I had my reasons...but we won't go into that here).  I'm trying to break that mold.   I'm not ignoring my husband, but if he's working...I'm NOT sitting at home.  I'm getting out.  I'm walking with friends (Hi Sherry). I'm going to dinner with friends (Hi Karen).  I'm going to zumba.  I'm going out by myself. I'm rediscovering LIFE!

Soooo these are some of the basic things I'm doing to fix ME on the inside.  I've got a LOT more to fix.  But now that I'm fixing that and finding that I really do like me......I know that the weight will drop!!!!


Michelle said...

Glad you're back at it. Keep up the positive thinking and just try and change one thing at a time. A whole lifestyle turnaround isn't going to happen in one week. Set the bar low for now so you know you'll have success. Once you have that goal met, add something new. When I started back this time I *only* started on exercise - I didn't change my eating. Doing both at once was too much for me. Take it slow, find something you truly enjoy, and find your motivation. This isn't a journey that you *should* go on, it's one that you must want to go on for yourself. The drive has to come from inside you - not from the outside. NO ONE can pressure you into doing this. Nothing but a desire for change, a desire for a better life, nothing else will work. Glad you're back!

bbubblyb said...

Great post MaryFran and all of it I could identify with. Yep, believing in yourself and doing for YOU does need to be #1 on your list. I too have those irrational fears and so get the whole "connecting flight" one big time. Just keep doing for yourself and you'll get to where you want to be.

JC said...

No words of wisdom from but but glad to see you posting again.

Unknown said...

Wonderful post :) I went through that same exact identity loss when I lost my weight gain the first time round, I had just moved out of home and lost all this weight and was clueless as to whom I was anymore. I found the best way to rediscover myself was to find a time each day and shut myself off from everyone around me, try something different each time and really note how I reacted to everything. My favorite thing to do during this time was to put old records on (I have a soft spot for David Bowie) and dance around the living room like a absolute idiot till I couldn't stand anymore. Keep up with the great work I have started reading your blog and I absolutely love it :D good luck with it all