Find me!

Hagerstown Dancers Add Spice to National Dance Day

Find me in the video!!!!!

The other day I was talking about Zumba and stepping outside of my comfort zone to go to zumba. I stepped outside of my comfort zone again. They had a zumba-thon (that's what I called it). Basically 3 hours with different zumba instructors and different dance/exercise instructors leading short class segments. I decided to go.....even though I would be attending by myself. I don't like to do stuff by myself, it's....well....lets just say that I usually chose to NOT do something versus doing it on my own. Well, not this time. I was going to that thing if it killed me. AND I told myself that I was going to try everything I could possibly try. I was goign to try each instructor. I was going to try each type of dance. I was going to do it all. And I DID. I was just shy of 3 hours of dancing. I ended up having to stop about 5 minutes from the end.....I just got too hot and toooo tired. I had fun. Would I have had more fun if I had a friend to attend with? Yeah, but I did it on my own.

I LOVED the Drumming. Check it out, it's called Drum's Alive. Unfortunately, I dont' belong to the gym that offers it (and they only offer one class which I couldn't make even if I still did belong to that gym).

I've put together another good week. So two good weeks. The scales did NOT show my efforts this week. I battled with the female monthly hormone water retention/weight spike. I also admit that I ate way too many foods that were a bit higher in sodium. So that affected it also. But I refuse to worry.....it's all good and if I continue on the path that I've been on for two whole weeks, the weight WILL drop!

Comfort Zone

Thursday....after today, just one more day to make it to the weekend!!! YAY!

Last night was Zumba. For the first time since I stepped in that stupid ground hog hole in mid June, my foot didn't ache and REALLY hurt. I pushed myself, or rather, I felt like I pushed myself to hop and jump a little more. It's a great exercise class for modifications. If you want to have a lower impact, you tap and side step. You can add a little hop or bounce to your step if you want a little more. And if you are capable and want a full out workout...you can jump and bounce around to your hearts content. I like it because it combines some of the classic dance moves (salsa, merengue, etc etc etc) with fitness moves (kickboxing, lunges, etc etc etc) and combines it all with fun Latin music. The hour really does fly by...and I don't know how anyone could walk out without having worked up a sweat. :-) I have to admit, I was actually rather nervous about going into the class. I had some Friends telling me for WEEKS upon MONTHS to try it. But, I don't dance. I don't merengue or salsa (or any of the other steps). Bellydance? ME? HA HA HA. My butt doesn't shake in a sexy way. When I try to shake my butt, people in neighboring counties run for cover. So yeah, I was sooo skeptical. I started in the back row. And I'll admit, I was LOST. I was left footing it when I should be right footing it. I was going frontwards when I should be going backwards. I was two steps behind at all times. But it was fun. I went back the next week....and I got a little better. I now go twice a week...and no, I still don't think i move with any grace...and when a song calls for a little butt shaking? Well, lets just say I jiggle with the best of them.....and to heck with the people in neighboring counties that may be scared of the incoming flab. It's fun. People that have been there longer than I, still struggle with the choreography sometimes. We just laugh at it. I'm ever so grateful that I took the plunge, stamped down my fear and went to that first class. If anyone reading this has been wanting (or advised by friends, like I was) to try something like this...DO IT! Step out of your comfort zone! I did and I found out that I really do enjoy it.

Makes one wonder.....how else are we keeping ourselves tied up in chains because we are afraid to step out of our comfort zone??????

Stupid weight is up....but when I looked at a calendar, I kinda got a clue was to why.....blech.

I was sitting here in front of a blank screen wondering what to write. I made a vow that I would write in my journal on a daily basis, because I know that it keeps me grounded, it keeps me on track and it's my link to accountability throughout the week. So I sat here KNOWING that it was something that I needed to do....but what to write about?

I could write about the dangers of sodium. Sort-term in regards to the scales. Why would I be thinking about sodium? Because I had popcorn last night...and popcorn without a lot of salt is just not good in my opinion...so when I do it up, I do it up right. I woke up in the middle of the night thirsty and then I woke up absolutely parched this morning. That is usually a sign that I'm already somewhat dehydrated.....and usually means that my weight will be up a pound or two on the scale that day like clockwork. I did step on the scale and I was up, not a pound or two but, by 2/10ths of a pound. So I was actually somewhat happy So anyway, the dangers of salt.....boring. I don't want to write about that.

Zumba! I could write about Zumba. I do really enjoy Zumba. It's a good workout....I go twice a week (Tuesday and Wednesday nights). Yeah, not so much to say about that either.

Stress and it's affects on my weight loss journey? Yeah, I've got some major decisions to make and some stressful situations happening on a daily basis. But you know what...that's negative. I'm trying to not focus on the negative.

So what can I say? I will say that I'm keeping my eating under control. I'm not splurging. I'm not eating my worries and sorrows and yes, tears away. I'm holding staedy. I'm just taking it one day at a time and putting my best foot forward and hoping for.....NO....expecting the best to happen with my weight loss.

Expectations!
What are my expecatations with my weight loss? What do I want to get out of it?

1. Health
2. Happiness
3. Feeling good about myself

I so didn't want to leave the happiness there. Because I KNOW that being thin and losing weight doesn't bring happiness. And I KNOW that I'm setting myself up for failure if I expect it to do so. However, I can't help but hope that my weight loss will magically coincide with happiness. TRUE happiness. But I learned my lesson.....when I reached my goal weight a year or two ago...I expected happiness to cure all of my woes. It would take all my troubles away. Life would just all of a sudden be one wonderful place. Then the crashing realization hit me that these problems that I'm dealing with in my life were not caused by my weight...my weight was simply the scapgoat....and I lost my focus....and regained. I don't know if I've ever said on here how much I've regained...but it's time for total and absolute honesty. I've regained 50 pounds. I'm going to get those 50 pounds off. And this time, while I hope and dream of happiness. I'm not going to pin my happiness on my weight loss. Weight loss will make me happy...but I know that it will not take the situations in my life that cause me unhappiness away.

So there you have it...a post that literally just sprang from my fingertips unbiden.

Worth it!

Am I worth all this work of losing weight? I've talked about it over and over. I've thought about it long and hard. I come up with my response and it's an emphatic YES! I am worth it. Yet, do I ACT like I belive it? I don't think that I do. Why do I say this?

The other day I was home alone and preparing my dinner. I went to the cabinet to see what canned foods that I could pull out for myself. I reached for a can of corn and then I stopped myself. Canned corn is actually icky in comparison to the freshly cut corn from the cob that I freeze for our consumption. I have a freezer shelf full of the good stuff. I would never think of using canned corn in preparing a meal for my husband! I only serve him the good stuff. Why would I therefore revert to the store-bought canned stuff for myself? It really and truely made no sense to me. And yes, I turned around and marched myself to the freezer and I had GOOD corn for my dinner.

Another example that hit me....I spend a decent amount time creating and cooking meals for Todd and I. I enjoy cooking and I enjoy treating him to delicacies that I create. When Todd works in the evening, I do not cook for myself. I throw something together....a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a butter and jelly sandwich, something easy. A big cooking extragavanza for when I'm on my own is making a grilled cheese. That is just plain sad.

So I came to the conclusion this weekend that while I say I'm worth it......I'm not ACTING 100% like I'm worth it.

Intact

I did it.....I made it through a weekend and kept myself totally under control with my eating! TOTALLY...100%. OK ok ok, not 100%, I did splurge and I used 3 of my flex points on Sunday evening. Three points though...not 30 points each day. And three points extra is well within what is still considered 'on plan' with Weight Watchers. WEEEEEEEEEEEE

I was a bit nervous about Sunday. Todd had a cancellation and we ended up going out for lunch. AND I had dinner already planned. I thought and ordered wisely. Salad with grilled chicken, hold the bacon and dressing on the side please and thank you very much. It was a really good salad also. :-)

So here is the kicker.....I realize exactly how much damage my weekends are doing to me now.

My week results for weight watchers showed me with a loss of 2.8 pounds. Respectable. Very respectable. I was quite happy with that. Especially since I weighed in wearing heavier clothes than I normally The 7 days between the previous weigh in and that one had been spent thusly. Day 1 and Day 2....eat with very little control. Day 3-7 Eat healthy and within plan (oh yeah, and that within plan included Pizza Hut...dinner for two...which is a medium pizza, breadsticks, salad and a drink.....and I ate each morsel of my half of the dinner for two). And then weigh in. But my weekend, like all of the previous weekend was one total gorge.

My challenge weight. I weighed in last monday...so today was weigh in day. There shouldn't be a big difference right? I mean, the only difference was a measley two days....a Saturday and a Sunday. BUT, the Saturday and Sunday that was on the weight watchers weigh in week was a dismal failure. On the flip side, the Saturday and Sunday that were included on the challenge weight weigh in were totally on target. Soooo how did I do for my challenge weight???? 4.8 pounds. So my weekend eating is costing me 2 pounds each week? 2 pounds?????? Is any of the food that I'm shovelling in on my weekends worth 2 pounds????? Wow.

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I'm still not sure what to do about the weight watchers meeting fiasco. I've talked to some friends. I've listened to what everyone is saying here. I've talked to my husband. I honestly go back and forth between my options. I checked, my credit card was just charged for this next month...(as in charged on the 23rd charged...so JUST)...so I'm paid up until September 7th......so I have until August 23rd to cancel should I chose to do so.

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Goals for my upcoming week:

1. Stay on plan......
2. Exercise at least 5 times (same goal as last week...last week I exercised 4 times)
3. Begin taking my daily multi-vitamin
4. Don't allow the stress in my life to rule my weight loss journey. The issue that causes the most stress has raised it's ugly head...so this will be difficult.
5. Focus on me...and remember that I'm the one that has the ultimate control over what I eat! Only me! Yeah, there may be situations that make things difficult, but I'm still in control over what I put into my mouth!

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I've been thinking about rewards again. I need to set up rewards.

So.......

For every pound I lose, I will allow myself to buy a song or something on Itunes. I am usually cheap and don't purchase new music......Going by my Monday weigh in as that's going to be my 'blog' weigh in day. So today I show a 4.8 pound loss...that's 4 songs! The good news about this week....I only have to lose .2 to get another song. :-)

For dropping below 200 pounds again...I'm not sure...but I want it to be something that will be symbolic of me NEVER returning to the two hundreds again. Ohhh a snake skin purse...because snakes SHED their skins????? Something to do with fire? Because that bridege to return is burnt????? Any good ideas?

Unrealistic goals

I was driving up to town this morning for my butt crack of dawn weight watchers meeting and got to thinking about my weekend plans. Those plans? Laundry, clean the house, make a couple meals and blessedly, after work today (Saturday until noon) nothing else. A glorious weekend of relaxation. (I've said this before and I usually end up running around doing stuff.....we'll see). The weekend loomed big in my thoughts as I pondered activities that I can do and complete this weekend. And then I had the brain child idea. I will do one activity (clean the kitchen) and then I'll do 1/2 hour of exercise. Then I'll do another activity (play on my computer) and then follow that up with another 1/2 hour of exercise. Then watch a movie, followed up by some more exercise. I'll exercise my way through the weekend. How wonderful does that sound? I drove a little further down the road and started laughing. There is NO way on earth that I'd be able to keep up that pace and that plan. It is totally unrealistic! I know that once I start watching movies, that exercise will be the furthest thing from my mind. I am so not going to want to get up off the nice comfy sofa, where I will probably have a cat or two cuddling up with me, to go exercise....just to go back to the sofa for another movie. Yes, I will probably ride the exercise bike for the first 1/2 hour to hour of the FIRST movie. But it's unrealistic to think that my original plan would work.

So how unrealistic are the goals that we set for ourselves? Yes, there are 22 more weeks in this year....and yes they say that a healthy weigh loss is up to 2 pounds a week. So yes, it would be HEALTHY for me to say that I was aiming to lose 44 pounds by the end of the year. Is it realistic? BARELY....life doesn't always work that way...there is a lot of vacation time, holidays and birthdays between now and then. Will I aim for that? Of course! But I'm not setting it as a time goal.....it is just an estimated time frame for me to reach that goal. But how many times to I set myself up for failure because I set unrealistic goals?


Well, I lost 2.8 pounds today. I'm so happy....and I'm heading into my weekend with a plan for eating healthy and staying on track!

OK, so here is where I"m at. I was at my meeting this morning and they announced that the 7AM meeting (which I have to leave 5 minutes early as it is, in order to make it to work on time) is being closed. They are combining the 7AM meeting with he 8Am meeting.....and having it at 7:30. So "it's only a half hour". But that makes it unattainable for me on the weeks that I work. I am so upset that I could cry. Just when I feel like I'm getting a handle on things...........

So I have a couple options...I've already asked some friends their opinions via email...but I need more opinions!

1. Quit going to meetings for the time being and try (once again to go it on my own). Driving back to work, I came up with a few ideas that may help keep me on track if I take this option.

*keep my e-tools- I like tracking on e-tools, especially since I can track on my phone even while I"m eating

*weekly, take a full body picture (clothed of course...tee hee hee) AND a picture of the number on the

scales....and post it on my blog for accountability. And ask my blog readers and my friends to keep me accountable.....have a set day for it!

2. There is a Thursday night meeting that I could conceivably make. It would be TIGHT....as in I get off work and I would barely have time to get there, and if I was held up at work for whatever reason (happens sometimes) I'd not make it.

*the pro is that I would be in a more consistent meeting

*the con, I'd be rushed

*the other con, I already am away and doing something on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings with my zumba after work. My husband is very accommodating, to the point that when he's home, he's OK with the fact that dinner isn't served until 8PM...actually later since I don't get home until 8PM. Is that fair to him to ask him to accommodate me another night....and we don't have many nights together as it is.

3. I could continue on and only go to meetings every other week....when I'm not working.

*pro-I'd still be going and having that accountability

*con- I'd be paying $20 per meeting

*there is a slight chance that on the 'work on Saturday' weeks, I could possibly get to a Tuesday morning meeting that they hold at 10AM, since my 6 day work week, they try to not have me come in until noon on Tuesday.

-con to that is that I'd be weighing in on Saturday and then turn around and weigh in again 3 days later

-con I like the consistency of meetings....I get the most from the people that I talk to at my meetings..

-pro- I'd be in a meeting each and every week!



I don't want to be a meeting attender that hops from meeting to meeting and/or sporadically attends. But it looks as if I may have to if I want to continue. What are your thoughts?

Why?

Why do I write in my journal? What is the draw, the pull that has kept me coming back consistently for over 4 years. And yes, it has been relatively consistent. I dont' think there has been a month that I didn't come at all...and never only once.

I write for me. I'm not writing thinkng about PR or book deals or reviews or anything other than ME. ME, MYSELF AND I! I write what is in my head. I write about what is going on in my life. I write about my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes those thoughts and feelings aren't pretty. Sometimes they are super happy. But when I go back and read them as a whole...maybe a month or two of entries at a time, I have learned so much about me. It's hard to be objective about yourself. It's a tad bit easier when you are reading your downfalls and successes in black and white.

Yes, I hope that anyone reading this blog finds some inspiration or motivation to continue on their journey......but that is secondary...because the blog is written for my own personal, my own personal chronical of how and what it has taken for me to get to where I'm at, emotionally AND weightwise.

That said...lets move on to my update. Last night I got home from work and I did ok with my eating....I struggled. I was alone and just really wanted to dive head-first into the cabinets. HOWEVER, I ate dinner....and then I pulled out the dance pad for Dance Dance Revolution and played for about 40 minutes. Not high intensity exercise...but activity none-the-less. :-) Little Winny really wanted to exercise with me though.


My weight this morning....holding steady! :-)

The good, the bad and the ugly

So what do we talk about first? Good??? Bad??? Ugly??? Well, I'm just not sure, especially since some of the good was actually bad and could have turned ugly. Hmmm....ok ok ok, I'll just start at the beginning of yesterday.

As I wrote yesterday I hopped on the exercise bike and nailed 1/2 hour of riding before coming to work. I came to work and completed my four hours of fun. After work I went home, put on my comfy clothes (ie. not work clothes) and todd and I headed out. We had to adjust our plans as we were originally going to go southward, but Todd had taken Little Winny (little winny is the small one in the picture) and Jody to the vet in the morning. Little Winny received her shots and was sent home. Jody had to stay for some test....so we had to be in Hagerstown at 4 to pick her up. No problem, we headed northward.

We debated long and hard about where to eat. Todd mentioned Golden Corral, but that just seemed lackluster to me...and more difficult to control. We ended up at Pizza Hut, which Todd was craving. The good? The pizza was just fantastic. It was so tasty. The cheese was gooey and melted. The flavors just burst in my mouth. I was in food heaven...a food induced orgasmic bliss. The bad????? Well, we ordered the dinner for two. That is 2 drinks (diet pepsi for me), breadsticks (yup, they were light, airy, and just plain tasty too), a salad (at least I got a serving of veggies in) and a medium pizza (we did go thin crust to cut down on points and since I don't like much meat, I stuck with cheese.....meat adds points anyway). So there is the good and the bad. The ugly? The possibility of badness on the scales.

After we ate lunch, we ran into Staples and Best Buy looking for a new printer. Basically looking at the options and all that good stuff. We swung out to a farmers market and picked up some fresh produce and also went into the mall for a bit. Just general errands.

Something VERY good.....Todd stopped into Starbucks to pick up a drink. He of course asked if I wanted to order something. I was very tempted.....it was hot and muggy...a nice iced drink would have tasted SOOOo good. But common sense took over. Yes, it would have tasted so good. Yes it was hot and it would have been a nice cool down. But I had my nice big jug of ice water in the car with me. SOOOO, I passed on the iced drink and stuck with my water. HUGE HUGE HUGE victory!

We picked up Jody and went home. I got as much of dinner ready as possible and then I headed out to Zumba. Yes...I made it to zumba! Good workout!

Went home and ate corn on the cob and baked zucchini with some cantalope and then relaxed the rest of the afternoon.

So this morning....was it ugly? I almost didn't step onto the scales. I almost backed out to wait for tomorrow morning. But then I said, "NO, I want to know the damage and then I'll move on". So I stepped on the scale. The scale did it's work and then beeped to tell me that my weight was posted. I about fell off those darn scales.....DOWN! YIPPEE!!! So my eating pretty much only fruits and veggies the rest of the day to accomodate the pizza worked. (ok, I don't like much meat anyway, so it's not that out of the ordinary). My double workout helped. It's working, becuase I'm working the plan!

So what is my plan for today? Hold it together with the eating. I know that I can't eat like yesterday each and every day. SO pulling it together. Get my exercise in (somehow.....I will get off of work at 6 and I have tomatoes to can tonight...but I WILL get the exercise in!). Just work the plan!

Carb lover

carbs.....evil evil carbs. ok ok ok, so I know that they are not evil. But I love them so. YEsterday, I stayed within my points range, but I have way too many carbs....and my weight popped a little this morning. I told myself that it could have been my workout last night (work the muscles, they swell and retain water for a day or so)...but I'll be honest and say that I had some carbs. Carbs are probably my biggest downfall....I'm drawn to carbs more often than anything else. Yeah, I can lose control with pretty much any food...but carbs....yummy!

As I mentioned....made it to Zumba last night. Pushed myself as hard as I could....kickin' it up a notch. :-)

This morning I woke up early and hopped onto the exercise bike for a 30 minute jaunt (a jaunt to nowhere...but still). I do have zumba tonight, but there is a slight chance that we will not make it home in time for me to go......and I wanted to make sure that I got some sort of exercise in today. If I do make it back (shouldn't be a problem) in time for Zumba, doing Zumba and riding the exercise bike for 30 minutes is NOT going to hurt....it can only help!

Food today may be a bit of a problem.....we are planning on going out for lunch...and Todd mentioned Pizza Hut. (ohhhh yummmmmm......we will get thin crust to cut down on points, even though I love love love the carby goodness of a thick and greasy pan pizza.....but still). I have changed the dinner plans for this evening to a veggie meal. (we will be stopping at a farm market to pick up corn and whatever else strikes our fancy). So I will at least be eating healthy for dinner, breakfast was my normal smoothie...so fruits there. So I should be ok....even with pizza. But it does give me pause for concern. I can do it though....no matter where we go....when I lost weight before, I ate out a lot. It only takes self control. Self control to NOT order something that is totally unhealthy. Self control to not go nuts on the salad bar and load up half of your plate with macaroni salad. (pasta...yum) Self control to only eat 1 portion and put aside the extra piece of chicken, or the extra whatever that is always on your plate. Self control.

Yeah.....carb.....the menace to my journey to be fit and fabulous. :-)

What a weekend

Addiction

Addictive. I can easily become addicted to something and anything. Food is my main addiction. Food gives me a high, it feeds and nurtures every emotion. I am a food addict. But I can also see how my personality lends itself to addictions. I easily become addicted to those stupid games on face book. Farm town, Farm ville, and most recently frontier ville. Frontier ville has been the worst though as it involves challenges. But I want to be the highest player amongst my friends. It's nothing I've ever vocalized, but there it is...I'm competing for the top slot. And in that, I become addicted to the high of leveling up and moving closer to my goal. I become solely focused on something and it monopolizes my life.....I have that tendency.

Is this a bad thing? Sometimes, yeah. I can't sit on my computer staring at my face book games all day. I can't wake up and go directly to the computer. I have responsibilities and I have to have a life. Those games are not life...they are simply one facet of relaxation. Food addiction...yeah, bad. But is it bad to be so focused on something that is a good thing for you? When I was losing weight the first time around...I was incredibly successful. I lost well over 100 pounds. I was doing great...but I was totally focused....anal about it really. I was addicted to the 'hunt'. Losing a pound was my new high. Conquering the food choices at a restaurant was another high. I was single-mindedly focused on losing weight. I don't think that my husband suffered from my single minded focus. (in fact he lost weight too). But I still spent time with him...I still cooked his meals (healthy ones). It was all good. But in my free time, my quiet time, my time....I was single minded in my pursuit. So that's my question. Is it healthy? Is it healthy to turn my food addiction into a single minded quest for losing weight.

I will say that my husband did used to talk about how he was afraid that I wouldn't know how to stop when I did reach goal. That I would continue on toward some un-attainable goal weight. But I set his mind at ease when I did reach 180 and the doctor approved of that weight and I was happy with myself at that weight.

Soooooo my question is addictions.....transference of addictions.....is it ok if it's something healthy? Hmmmmm

Soooo day one of my challenge...and quite honestly with me getting my butt off the proverbial fence that I've talked about for quite some time.....it ended. I did ok. I did nibble on a small handful of mini marshmallows toward the evening. But otherwise, I did really good. I also restarted taking my multi-vitamins. I used to take them religiously...but then just sorta fell away. So i started that too. I also got my water consumption in......I felt like I was going to float because I hadn't been used to drinking all that water on a daily basis...but I'm workin' it!!!!

Today....food is on track thus far. Zumba is tonight...so life is good. :-)

Hot on the trail!

A few things are kicking in for me this week. Number one, my blogger and biking friend Donna and I are kicking it into high gear. We have set goal and we plan on being accountable to each other. Hold me to it also. In fact, check her out and encourage her also!

Here are my goals for this week. Yes, this weeks goals are pretty standard and should be no-brainers, but I have to get myself back on track.

My goals:
1. track every bite I eat
2. Exercise Monday-Friday (even if only for 30 minutes....Tuesday and Wednesday I have in the bag with my zumba class)
3. focus on ME and what I need for this journey.
4. Blog something each and every day.....POSITIVE blogging. Not a lament about where I've been. But something positive about what I'm doing.
5. Accept where I am right now in my journey.

Secondly I am starting a challenge. You can read about it through Seth's Blog (he's the creator and administrator of the challenge that is actually Facebook based). I'm super excited about it as I am VERY competitive. Not to the point of doing something stupid (which against the rules anyway.....another reason why I like his challenge..he wants HEALTH to be first and foremost), but I will work my tail end off to win. That's what I need...motivation! A couple years ago I joined a challenge...it was a mileage challenge that a fellow blogger (sorry, can't remember who.....I'm so sorry, because I would have linked you)had going. The most miles travelled under your own power (read shoe leather express) was the winner. The winner received a new pair of tennis shoes. I walked and walked and walked. And yeah, I won those shoes! I don't always win...I've been in weight loss challenges where I don't...but you know what....I'm motivated and I do lose weight during those challenges...so I'm still a winner. So anyway, that starts today!

So where am I today??? How am I doing today. I woke up and weighed myself (I'm a creature of habit....wake up, use the bathroom, strip off my clothes, weigh myself, put said clothes back on and THEN start the day) for my challenge. SO I have my starting point for that. I immediately moved to the exercise bike and got in 30 minutes. It's a start!

I had created my menu for the week and it is posted on the side of the fridge. Yesterday, I pulled it off the fridge and figured out the points for each meal. I knew round about figures in my head...but I needed exact. Then I rehung the menu. So now, when I go to eat breakfast and pack my lunch for work, I know exactly how many points I have to play with. For example, if dinner utilizes a lot of points, keep my lunch lighter....but if dinner is low points, I can splurge and have my much loved peanut butter and jelly sandwich...which packs a bunch of points.....it's all a trade off)

Something else I did.....this past weekend when I was bringing clothes off the line and putting them away, I organized my closet and my dresser drawers. Of late, when I get dressed, I have to root through drawers and the closet to find something that fits.....as I gained weight I never took out the stuff that was growing too small. Getting dressed was depressing because I had to face those now too small clothes every day. I accepted that they do not fit right now and that they will not fit for a while. I went through and put them all in laundry baskets and bins and they are all sitting neatly on the floor of my closet. My drawers and closet contain only clothes that I can wear. Some of those clothes are tight...but I can wear them! I'm accepting that I gained weight and that I'm starting afresh.

I'm proud to say that my eating has been totally under control the last few days. I haven't binged. I've made healthy choices with my food. I'm happy with my start.

Now just to keep the momentum going. :-)

I'm going to sit down and actually make a plan out for my next week. I sat down with both my work schedule and Todd's work schedule and I planned out our meals (and thus also our grocery list). I know taht when I have a set menu, it's easier to stick with it, both at home and with resisting the urge to go out to eat. Not that eating out is bad....but I'm eating healthy more nutritionally sound foods at home. (we eat naturally and organically at home......restaurants don't typically offer that option....not to mention that I just plain eat more fruits and veggies at home). SO I have that lined up. Now I just need to look at my schedule and actually pencil in some workout times. Tuesday and Wednesday evenings are already accounted for with my Zumba classes.....so that's good. But 2 workouts a week, even though they have my heart rate up and all that jazz, are just not going to cut it. I also recognize that if I look back through my history of weight loss, that when I was losing and doing well......I was not only eating right, I was exercising pretty regularly. SOooooo I've deemed that it's time to start back with that.

Had a problem with my right foot at Zumba last night. It hurt to high heavens....kinda crampy...but not quite a cramp. Go figure. I'm going to see if getting a nice pair of insoles help. We are on a floor.....tiled, but probably concrete underneath...so that's not good.

I'm watching what I eat......so I'm trying to halt the onslaught of weight gain. Actually in the last 4 months or so, I've stayed within the same 5 pound range. So in a way, that's good.......but in a way it's really bad, I want to be losing.

Once again, reaffirming in my head that the weight is NOT what is causing life to be crappy. Losing the weight will NOT be the magical cure to all of lifes woes. But in turn, losing the weight so that I am happy. So that I feel good about myself. So that I live a healthy happy productive life.

That said, turning it back around is ROUGH. I did ok with my eating yesterday and I'm on track for today also....so that's a start. I will go to zumba tonight....and tomorrow night. But I also realize that I need to do more than my two nights of zumba each week. I need to get back on my bike!

Update:
Ok, after reading some blogs, I've decided to eradicate negative talk from my blog (ok, how about I try to focus on the positive).....so after a few weeks of just negativity spewing from my mouth, er fingertips I've decided to make a list of things in my life that are good...that make me happy...etc etc etc.

1. I haven't gained weight. I may not be losing, but maintaining is SOOO much better than gaining!
2. The kitten we found in June (june 8) is doing well. We saved her. She weighed about 5 ounces and had to be bottle fed (force fed really as she didn't even want the bottle)every 3-4 hours night and day for weeks! But she is a healthy active kitten now.
3. My family has their health. Dad's prognosis is good, everyone is relatively healthy.
4. My husband and I both have income. This one is HUGE. I'm so very thankful to have a job and for our business to be generating income for us.


So there is a start!

Frame of Mind

I don't' know that much has improved for me...but I think I'm in a much better frame of mind today. I guess I'm just taking a more positive spin on the happenings of the last 2-3 weeks.
*sprained ankle-- much better
*tonsillitis/strep-- gone
*infected cat bite--much better.....current round of antibiotics will finish that
up
*father's heart- doing well
*husbands flu--over, with no signs that I'm going to get it
*two cats that were rushed to the vet for two separate unrelated issues-seem to
be improving
*overtime- we SHOULD be fully staffed at work on Monday (first time since early
April)
*Personal issues...causing emotional distress-- well, not over, but maybe I'm
just learning how to better deal...or maybe realizing that there is nothing I can
do to change the situation so I need to learn to accept

I woke up early and went to my weight watcher meeting this morning. Predictably I gained. Pretty much, I gained what I lost last week. OK then. I know some of the things that I did wrong. Number one, I didn't track. Number two, I drank MOSTLY diet soda and not water. Diet soda ALWAYS causes me to retain water.

The best way to put it. I'm sitting on the fence. I'm not eating poorly...but I'm not eating totally healthy. I KNOW that I don't want to climb off the fence into the pasture of unhealthiness. I well remember how I felt at 315 pounds...I don't want to go back there and conversely, I remember how GREAT I felt at my goal weight...I want to feel that again. So I know which side of the fence that I want to be on. I just need to get the courage, motivation and persistence to jump off the fence and STAY off the fence!

That said......eating healthy......I'm reasonably sure that healthy foods also promote healthy emotions. I REALLY need to be eating healthy!

Blecchhhhhh

I think that about sums everything up.

Apathy

I'm still struggling with some issues that are making me feel just down and miserable...but I'll keep trucking along.

At my WW weigh in, I lost 2.8 pounds. I honestly have no clue how.....it was the week that typically I gain or at the best show a maintain AND my eating has been atrocious. I suspect stress to play a part. Who knows. I was determined to get my eating back under control...but my weekend has not been all that great eating wise. It hasn't been all that bad though.....meaning it could have been worse. So who knows.

We did get a nice bike ride in on Sunday. Felt good. Tonight I start back with Zumba. I'm looking forward to it. I think my ankle will be ok with it. It's been feelin' pretty good of late.

Strep? No. But a raging case of tonsilitis......how fun. So I'm on antibiotics...but i'm pretty much pain free now (and definitely no longer contagious).

With everything going on...and this just struggle to put one foot in front of the other, I'm feeling really apathetic toward watching what I eat. I haven't tracked in ages. I plan to remedy that and start tracking TODAY!

Life keeps kickin' me. I'm so insanely busy. Running literally from dawn until 12 or 1 in the morning. My foot is slowly healing after stepping in that pesky ground hog hole....but now, I'm struggling with something that I suspect is strep throat. Yes, I'm going to the doctor today. But that just makes for a miserable day (actually started bothering me on Wednesday......a couple hours before our concert...chicago and the doobie brothers)...and by Thursday morning my glands were swollen and considerable amount of pain to swallow. LOVELY. Earliest doctors appointment....friday at 4. So I'm waiting.....

My weight, somehow down on the scales this morning. Not sure how.......eating has been atrocious. My only thought....stress. I've got a LOT on my mind. Stuff that is debilitating in it's intensity. So not a good way.

A week? You have to be kidding me!

Has it really been a week since I last wrote anything on here???? HOw in the world do I catch up from a weeks worth of craziness? OK OK OK...lets do this one day at a time.

Tuesday June 22-
I didn't make it to Zumba. I took my clothes to work so that I would be prepared to go. But I had to run to the library and post office on my lunch break. I walked. By the time I got back to work, my foot was THROBBING. I decided that this journey is about HEALTh. The health of my foot was at risk........and if walking to the post office (1-2 blocks) hurt badly, what in the world would 1 hour of zumba do! So I went home instead. My eating, was under control throughout that day...but no exercise.

Wednesday June 23-
Woke up early and make pancakes and turkey bacon for us for breakfast and then I skeddadled up to meet mom and dad at their house. Dad had his heart catherization scheduled. We drove down to dc and thus began the waiting and the shuffling back and forth from waiting room to waiting room (as they moved him around the hospital, we moved to different waiting rooms). I had taken some fat free pringles as a snack. Turns out it was a good thing......the way things were scheduled and the way they had us moving...I dind't make it to the cafeteria for lunch....or dinner. Mom and I ate on the way home from DC....at about 10PM. We ate at Macaroni's. I ordered a salad as a starter (something healthy at least) and then mom and I split a 4 cheese pizza and the chicken cannaloni. So my eating was off kilter...but in the grand scheme of things probably not too bad.

*report on dad.......of the three...one artery was not blocked at all. One artery had about 60% blockage and the third was blocked about 90%...they put a stent in to repair the 90% bloackage

Thursday June 24-
Woke up super early to head to DC....mom wanted to be there when the doctors came in to talk to dad. Stopped at Dunkin' Doughnuts on the way down.....caved and didn't just buy 1 doughnut...oh no, I bought three! And I ate all three of my doughnuts on the way down the road. (strawberry filled, peanut butter filled, maple glazed for you foodies out there). We got down there and sat with dad until he was discharged...and then we brought him home. I had a turkey sub for lunch....and I made dinner at home and we ate that. Way too much food consumed and no exercise!

Friday June 25-
Wow a somewhat normal day. I worked all day long....LONG LONG day. Eating was pretty much under control.

Saturday June 26th
The fun begins again. Todd was out the door at 3:30AM. I was up at 5AM. I got myself ready for my day, packed the car, packed my lunch and headed out. I had my weigh in on Saturday morning.... I lost 4/10ths of a pound. Not a lot...but you know what...I didn't gain! I ate my breakfast (peanut butter and jelly sandwich) on the way to work. I worked 4 hours and then headed out for Romney, WV...which is about 2 hours away. I ate my lunch (peanut butter and jelly sandwich...hey, it was easier to make two...and since I love PB&J....) on my way to Romney. Why Romney? We were running sound at a big bluegrass festival. So it wtas outside for me all day (once I got there) and then lots of work packing everything up after the festival. We pulled out of the festival grounds at about 11:30 or so.....we would have gotten to the hotel room to eat at about midnight..but our intern blew out her tire...so that delayed us. The festival didn't have fresh food put out at dinnertime, so we ended up stopping on the way to the hotel to pick up food at a convience store....not healthy...and since it was literally 13 hours since I had last eaten...I had a turkey wrap....a whoopie pie and a bag of sun chips. YIKES! Oh yeah, I also had full outright sugary lemonade at the festival.

Sunday June 27th-
Breakfast at the hotel......cheese danish (tasty, and not the healthiest...but healthy options didn't abound). Drive home.....then an hour or so out in the heat unloading gear from the truck (moving some gear back to our van...some gear back into storage)......we ran to pick up straw...and then returned the van. We stopped for lunch and I had a turkey wrap and a salad. A short trip to the grocery store and then home. We relaxed inside for the rest of the afternoon.....ate dinner (fat free turkey dogs, baked beans) and then we headed outside......I spread straw (mulch) in our vegetable garden...and picked wild raspberries.

And that brings us to Monday June 28th...today. I woke up early and turned those raspberries into jelly....got ready and carted myself off to work....and here I sit. I'm worried about my dad, who is still havign chest pains. I'm worried about my cousin, who was admitted back into the neurological ward of the John Hopkins yesterday (last year she had some problems and it was discovered Rheumatic Fever....so that's flaring up). And I'm just not wanting to be at work. There have been some other more personal things going on lately...that are just difficult. ARRGGHHHH Eating today will be on track. I already did good with breakfast...lunch is packed and is nice and healthy. Dinner....well this is sad, but since we have lots of outside work today tonight, dinner will probably be more hotdogs on the grill. (easy...and already thawed...haa haa haa...and since they are fat free turkey dogs......actually low points).

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Life has been a whirlwind. On Thursday I convened with mom and dad at the hospital for Dad's heart cath. After some talking and some information that hadn't been given to us earlier, it was decided to postpone the heart cath and reschedule it for a hospital that actually has the capabilities for open heart surgery...in case of problems. I had mom and dad to dinner that evening. On friday I worked and then we went to dinner with mom and dad. On Saturday I left the house early to head to my weight watcher meeting and then hit up the city market where I sat with mom at her booth. I left there and headed to mom and dad's house where I mowed their three properties and also for good measure I mowed for my uncle. I had lunch with mom and dad and then mom and I headed out to a few stores. (I desperately needed tennis shoes) I headed home, mulched and then mowed our place before starting dinner. It was a full day. Sunday we woke up and headed out on our bikes. We lunched in Harpers Ferry and then hit up a local flea market before heading home. Another busy day. So I'm still around.

My weight....I was actually up .4 on Saturday. Surprisingly, after my weekend (I ATE)...I'm still showing basically a maintain. I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth...and I'm getting it under control NOW. Strict with my food the rest of this week.

Well, as good as I can this week. Dad was rescheduled for Wednesday at a hospital in the DC area....so I'll be dining on cafeteria foods. Joy joy. But you know what. I can do it! I WILL do it!

My foot had been giving me grief all last week. It felt almost muscular in it's pain....right on top of the foot, almost up at the joint between foot and leg and then the pain wrapped around the outer part of the foot. WELL.......while mowing, I stepped into a ground hog hole. I went DOWN and had to sit there on the ground for at least 5 minutes until I could move. Luckily it was the same foot....unluckily it was the opposite side of the foot...the ankle.....so now the whole foot just feels horrible.

Am I going to Zumba? Yeah.....I'll take advil an hour or so before and I'll lower my intensity while there. Am I stupid....apparently. LOL

They are multiplying

They are multiplying, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Looked out the window this morning and voila....another cat has appeared. What the heck??????? This is sooo uncool. The only good thing...this cat doesn't hang out here. And the gray and white kitties don't hang out here.....only the mother hangs out with us. Not that that's much of a consolation.

Got on the exercise bike last night...legs felt like dead weight.....I honestly didn't make it far/long......plus other things were calling my name. I've got got got to get back in the habit of exercising first thing in the morning.

Little kitty and working overtime are really putting a damper on my scheduling. I wake up and go feed and take care of little kitty. That usually takes 30-45 minutes. I rush out and pick strawberries...rush back in and make and eat my breakfast and straighten the kitchen...rush to get ready for work. I work....usually with some overtime thrown in (at least until we are fully staffed again...should be 3-4 weeks from yesterday...depending on how the new hires do in training), rush home from work (I get off at 6PM) and immediately begin the kitty routine...there is another 30-45 minutes...which takes me to 7pm.....I still need to eat.....and then clean up.. Throw in there the normal house cleaning things, paying of bills, laundry..........ARRGGGHHH SLOW DOWN LIFE!

Tonight is Zumba. Todd will be home (the only evening this week....arrggghh) but I'm going anyway...I NEED to go. I'll make dinner when I get home at 8PM. Since he'll be home I'll not have to do too much with the little kitty.

I lost 2.8 pounds at my meeting! WOO HOOO

This weekend was just absolutely nuts. I ran and worked non-stop. I did have my splurge MEAL on Saturday night. But it was that. A aplurge meal. It wasn't a splurge weekend! PLUS, the splurge meal was after working outside for a few hours. Then Sunday I worked non-stop in the house, outside, everywhere all day long, cleaning, mowing, mulching, weeding, laundry...you name it. So my weight this morning....UP. I don't like to see it up. BUT, yesterday while I drank my water I also drank three bottles of diet soda. Diet soda contains sodium (and some of the ingredients in diet soda are high in sodium). When I drink diet soda my weight usually pops up so it's not unexpected. AND, last night I cooked a turkey ham. I'm assuming that turkey hams have as much sodium that a regular ham does.....so I'm confident that my weight will drop back down today as I drink lots of water.

I set up my food intake page and I've been really lax about entering my info into it. I'm determined to fix that. I also today set up an activity/exercise page to keep track of that! I've got to be accountable!

I'm stressed out. I love cats. I love them with all my heart. I mean, I have a family of cats that I love dearly.



But somehow in the last two weeks, we have gone from taking care of our five cats....to taking care of 9 stinkin' cats!

The first addition was a cat that has been strolling around our property for the last two years. He started coming up on our porch and just looking in. I held firm in the rule of "no feeding the outside kitties" but my softy of a husband couldn't resist...so what was I to do??? So there is one.

The second addition occured last Tuesday. The runt of the litter of one of the barn cats at the studio was abandoned at the door of hte studio. He spent all day trying to get it back to it's mother, but she would turn it's back and walk away. That's just sad. Sooooo we carted over this baby kitten. This baby kitten is NOT supposed to have a name. This baby kitten is supposed to be shipped off to a good home as soon as it's weaned and healthy. (she's on antibiodies and is being bottle fed every few hours as of right now). BUT, my husband has named it Winifred. ARRGGGGHHHHHHH Hopefully she'll 'cuten up'.


The last two additions came this morning......do you remember that first addition that todd started to feed because he was on the porch staring into our kitchen. HE is not a he.....he's a she and SHE brought two kittens to our front deck. They are capable of eating dry cat food already....probably 3-4 pounds already. So they are not tiny like the second addition. But 4 freakin' extra cats to feed. This is getting ridiculous!!!!

I've spent the last week feeding my parents cat spooky, so I guess I've been responsible for 10 cats this week. that is quite a few too many.

ARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

On a good note, the first tomatoes have come off the vines....they are sooooo succulent and juicy. BLT's yesterday. A nice garden salad today!

I'm hanging in there. I've kept my eating under control the last few days....keeping it within my daily points allotment and NOT eating my flex points, which sadly enough for me has to be the case. We'll see if I get any results on the scales....

Last night made a Crustless Banana Cream Pie....it was quite tasty!

Other than that....life is just kickin' me right now. I'm gonna do everything to keep my eating under control and not eat my sorrows away. This morning I was feeling REALLY down....I had my breakfast (smoothie and a small piece of banana bread). I struggled becuase I was just down and lets face it, I'm a food addict...I eat for every emotion. BUT, I didn't do it this morning. I didn't want to add self disgust to my feelings. I'm gonna win this war with my addiction...just to spite of the beatin' that life is giving me right now.

Today is just a day to go home, crawl into bed and just cry until there is nothing left.....alas, 5 more hours of work....and then off to cat sit for a bit.....I've got hours before I'll see my bed.

exhaustion

it's Monday morning and I woke up tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired. I'm just tired. I'm not surprised...the weekend was a total whirlwind of activity.

It started early Friday morning. I woke up at 5:30. I had things to do to get ready to leave for our mini trip. Things that I wanted to get done before I went to work. So I was out picking strawberries at dawn. I rushed around all morning and arrived for work on time (actually a bit eary). I worked 7:45-1 and then I rushed home. I quickly swapped out my shoes for comfy flip flops and jumped back into the car. We headed up the road. Two and a half hours (give or take a few minutes) we arrived in Lancaster County......Ephrata to be exact....and to be even more precise, we were at the Green Dragon....a big farmers market. I stopped for a minute to call my parents as my father had a stress test done that morning and I wanted to hear the results. Dad is taking it well...mom's still weepy 3 days later.....Dad is going in for a heart cath in about two weeks. So that bummed me out.

After talking a few minutes in the parking lot about my dad's situation and calling in to work to put in a request for a day off on the day of his heart cath so that I can be with my mother (apprently if he needs a stent put in, 50% of the time they have to send them down to DC or Baltimore) we headed into the dragon. We walked through and saw the sights. We actually ended up not buying anything. After the the Green Dragon, we decided to head to our hotel. We made a quick stop at a Kmart on the way there to pick up some icyhot for todd's stiff neck. We checked into our hotel at roughly 5PM. Donna was sitting off of the lobby on the computer when I walked in. Todd and I carted our stuff up to our room and then headed down to Donna and Andy's room to chit chat and make our plans for the evening. Dinner out (yummy Family Cupboard) and a short shopping excursion and then back to the hotel to our respective rooms to relax for the evening. The next morning I was up again at the crack of dawn to get ready. Everyone met up early for breakfast at the hotel and then it was off to our bike ride.


Pedal to Preserve is a fantastic bike ride that raises money for the Lancaster Farmland Preservation Trust. (they work to preserve and save the farmlands in Lancaster County). The ride takes you by some of these saved farms and through some of the most bucolic farmland. They did change the route a bit this year and we had 2 hills that we did not encounter last year. They were right at the beginning, I put my mind to this task and I powered up them. I went slow...but I did it. My feet did not touch the ground! I completed the ride! WEEE I was honestly worried because admittedly, I've been doing really poorly with my exercise...and in particular with riding my bike. After our ride, we headed to Intercourse to the Canning company to pick up a few things (they have the most awesome cranberry relish....and clean bathrooms for us to change our clothes) and then we went out to lunch with Donna and Andy. After our late lunch we said goodby and split up. Todd and I went down to the Bird-in-hand farmers market. They have cider and cherry cider....25 cents a cup. It's a tradition...and quite yummy. At that point we headed home. We stopped and got some groceries on the way home and got home at around 6 or 7. I put everything away and made dinner and we watched a show together on tv and then we fell into bed exhausted.

Saturday morning I was up at the crack of dawn again. I got a few things done around the house and then headed to the battlefield to meet up with Sherry to walk. We walked and talked the whole time
and then because we weren't done talking, we walked some more. She came back to my place and I picked a few strawberries for her and we ended up talking some more...till 10:30. I straightened the house quickly and then made lunch for Todd and I and then we headed out with our van full of sound equipment to a local organic farm for a bluegrass in the barn concert. We worked to set up our stuff from about 12:30 until the sound check at 2:30. The concert started at 4 and we were able to start packing up after the concert at around 7PM. We got home....I made a quick dinner and then we had friends that were stopping by to drop off some stuff. They stayed until about 11. And I literally fell into bed exhausted. (sorry the pictures of the concert are still on my camera!)

Non-stop activity.

So here I am...Monday morning

Best laid

First of all, I've decided to add my food as a 'page' that you can click to see what I'm eating. That way it's there for the world to see....but yet everyone doesn't have to read the boring day to day drone of my eating and feel compelled to tell me that I ate too many carbs or that I should cut back on my fruit becuase it's too much 'natural sugar'. haa haa haa

But, I had my eating all laid out for yesterday and life was going well....until I was in a 4 car pile up. I was actually the last car to get hit and while it pushed me about 2-3 feet forward, I somehow managed to not hit the car in front of me. My car sustained NO damage...not even a scratch....I have no clue how. Todd has a stiff neck....my shoulder is sore. Now in all fairness, my shoulder gives me grief a lot, so it just aggrevated that issue. But of course sitting there for 2 hours while they sorted it out.....cleared out hte cars that were totalled and had to be towed away and all that rigamarole pushed me to eat REALLy late. And that limited my options. I did the best that I could.

This is my crazy busy weekend.....hooking up with friends tonight. Bike ride tomorrow morning. 5K Sunday morning. Bluegrass concert that we are running sound for Sunday afternoon......and back to the grind monday morning. All good fun.

mf

So today is my brainstorming session.......how to tame the mini-me...that addiction.

For a while I tried posting my food intake on my blog. But honestly, I got sick of people discecting what I was eating. A simple "good job" or a simple word of encouragement after a bad day would be enough. I know when I'm bad......don't kick me when I'm down. But in theory, posting my food on here works...becuase I'm embarrassed about my addiction. It embarrasses the doo doo out of me to lose control. Hmmmm....maybe I could make a separate blog for my food intake ....and put at the top "leave on encouraging comments.....no need to dissect my food intake....I know when I have a bad day and would appreciate your support, not you berating me for having a little too many carbs or whatever my sin is for that day". Hmmmm....another blog does seem like a lot of work though. hmmmmm For that matter, would it be rude to put that as a note on the comment page...or at the bottom of any post?

Will power.....I have to simply starve that addiction out. No no no, I'm not turning anorexic on you. When I mean starve that mini me out, I mean that I need to exercise every once of self control that I have to not 'feed' the addiction. To eat my food, enjoy it to the fullest but to stop at the appropriate time. Having a second helping to recapture the rapture of the first helping is NOT acceptable. Will power, will power will power!

I honestly can't think of anything else. Hypnosis? Therapist? Wire my mouth shut and eat my food through a straw????

So I'll start for today.

Wednesday food intake:
breakfast: strawberry banana smoothie
lunch: summer salad (bean salad)
strawberries (ohhh fresh from the garden.....absolute rapture....sweetness bursting upon my tastebuds!...picked just that morning at 6AM)
applesauce -home canned....no sugar
2 fat free fig newtons
Afternoon snack: fresh cherries
Dinner (it was late...I got home from work at 6PM, I picked up shingles from the old roof that todd tore off...and then mowed........so I ran out and picked up dinner at 9 or so)
Turkey and cheese sub with lots of added veggies
diet soda (sadly, no water with dinner)
fat free frozen yogurt


Water intake- about 40 ounces
multivitamin-uhhhhh I forgot
exercise-does squatting to pick strawberries for an hour in the morning count? Does picking up a whole roof worth of shingles and old felt and rotten wood count???? No?? Well then no exercise.

I AM

I am an addict. Plain and simple. My drug of choice is perfectly legal and actually even encouraged and a necessity. I chose food. I stand so strong with plans to conquer my addiction. I have plans. I have dreams. I want so much to lose my weight. But I have this addiction...this voice in my head. This overwhelming desire to shovel food into my body just to feel the high of the incredible tastes and textures exploding in my mouth. My mind knows how good food is.....yet my mind also knows that I need to control these desires, these cravings, this out of control eating frenzy that I am prone to. So if I know that I need to control it, why is it so difficult? It's difficult because of what I call my mini-me. My mini-me is fueled by my addiction. My mini-me is constantly yelling at me, telling me to eat. Telling me that it's OK to indulge in that cookie, because I deserve it. It's my mini me that comes up with these incredibly far fetched ideas....that the doughnut knot that is 3 inches in diameter would have the same calories as a small 1 inch doughnut hole" My mini-me is smart. When it's time to exercise, my Mini-me convinces me that I'm too tired, or the weather isn't right or whatever the reason of the day is. You see, my mini-me knows that if I exercise that it sparks me to eat healthy...and healthy eating does NOT fuel my mini-me. I thought that I had it licked for a while. I lost weight and I thought I had safely locked this addiction...this mini-me into a closet, never to be heard from again. I still faintly heard the mini-me voice yelling at me...but I had it under control. I was on top of the world...I had my addiction under control. But the mini-me escaped and took up residence front and center in my mind...and here I am, once again a struggling addict.

I remember the days where I was so strong. They would bring food to work and I would ignore it. No bite passed my lips. I knew that if I started, I would never stop. The analogy that refer to it as is...My mini-me needs junk food and unhealthy food in order to survive...without the junk food, the mini-me loses power and it's voice becomes week. So as soon as I start eating something that I shouldn't, that voice grows. My addiction rears it's ugly head and I need to have more and more and more. So I used to be so strong. It was actually a joke at work, that I wouldn't eat anything. But that girl has been choked out by this addiction.

Yesterday they brought doughnut knots, cookies and brownies into work. I had been determined to keep it under control all day, but I saw those doughnuts and my addiction went into overdrive. My mini-me started screaming at me. "It's been so long since you had a doughnut". So I looked it up and figured it out. I could eat one, and it wouldn't ruin my eating plan for the day. So I had one. But one became two and two became three. And then I had to sample the brownies. They were so moist and chewy, I was in heaven........so later in the day I had a second. I was a sugar shovelling fiend....and the more food I shovelled into my mouth, the more self disgust and self hatred I feel. I lose control. And yes, I know that I am the one that should ultimately be in control, and I am the only one that can take the blame...but it's like all rational thought leaves my head once I start eating.

I am making a vow, right here and now. My mini-me will be locked into a closet again, and this time, I'm not going to give it the chance to slither out!

Chicago!

Chicago!, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Not the city....not the musical....the band. Yes, we went to see them last night in Lancaster, PA. Good show, although the crowd was a bit sluggish (very old, actually....I felt positively like a baby.....definitely one of the youngest in the crowd).

So eating yesterday...ughhh For that matter, eating this week.....uggghhhh. I've totally lost control. Ok, wait, not totally. I haven't eaten tons of cake and tons of sugar. I've eaten too many carbs. meals for the last few days.......sandwiches. I've been sorely lacking in my fruits and veggies.

Drinking? Water...what's that? I actually was doing ok through Tuesday...and then started to slip on Wednesday.....and yesterday....well, I did buy one bottle of water in our travels....not that I drank it. I did however drink a FREAKIN' TON of diet soda yesterday!

Exercise? Lets say non-existent. I've done some active things.....and I did go to Zumba the other night. I fell into the trap of "I don't feel well....definitely not 100%, so I"m not going to exercise". So I haven't really exercised much. Not cool.

Extenuating circumstances.....a concert, some light traveling, the first time in 2 weeks that I've had any time off with my husband. (the last few weeks have been me waking up and leaving for work while he's stlil asleep......I get home from work and he's gone and doesn't get home until midnight or later......and by then I'm either already asleep or halfway threre.) , being sick. have I had valid excuses as to why my behavior has gone haywire? Well absolutely. BUT are there these excuses usable? NO NO NO.....I could have and should have kept it under control. Those situations are really no reason to eat. No reason to not exercise. No reason to skip my water drinking or veggies. But at least I know WHY I will be posting a bad week on the scales at my meeting tomorrow.

Soooo how does one actually make it to string 2 good weigh in weeks back to back. I seem to do one good one and then fall apart. What's up with this? It's something I want soooo darn badly, yet I'm failing miserable....through no fault buy my own!

Missing...but still kickin'

I haven't fallen off the bandwagon. I thought I had a really bad case of allergy/pollen problems. But it turns out that it was the start of a miserable cold/flu. So I've spent the last few days literally sleeping it off on the couch. I sleep for 2-3 hours and then am awake for about an hour...then back to sleep. And yes, I'm sleepign the night through also. I drug myself out of bed early this morning to hit up my weight watcher meeting AND to get some groceries (we were woefully out of some of the staples in life that couldn't be ignored any longer). I came home wiped totally out and then whadya know...I slept the afternoon away. I've actually been awake since 7PM (it's 9:30) and I'm about ready to drop.

The good news...all this sleeping has kept me from wanting to eat (and when I'm awake I'm was so weak and dizzy that I just laid on the couch and didn't want to move). So I posted a 2.8 pound loss. This puts my weight loss total back at 90 pounds! Watch out 100 pounds gone!!! I'm gathering speed and I"ll knock you over soon!!!

Learning

Had two nice workouts yesterday. I rode the bike for an hour yesterday morning and then yesterday evening I hit up my zumba class. Whew....zumba is a great workout! :-)

I stepped onto the scales with fear and trepidation this morning. I was really shocked. My weight is hanging right in the same general place that it was last week on my weigh in day (possibly up a half pound or so). I was thinking it was going to be a whole lot worse!

This weight loss journey for myself has been one with lots of learning. I've had to learn to accept responsibility for everything in my life. I can't blame my weight on all the bad stuff that happens. I've had to learn what is healthy. I've hard to learn how to motivate myself. And honestly, I'd had to learn about my body. I am still learning. It's not as simple as finding the 'magic solution' and then sticking with it. It is an evolution of learning. What works this week may not work next week. A lesson that I learned 2 years ago may have sat idle uneeded for the last two years...but it will resurface. Learning........the learning is making me stronger.

What have you learned?

Last night I got home at around 7:30 and I hit the kitchen full steam ahead. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.....then some homemade fat free chocolate ice cream......then some mini marshmallows......a handful of almonds......and I washed it all down with a dark chocolate candy bar. Can we say SUGAR? I felt physically ill afterwards. When I finally came to my sense (I claim temporary insanity) I just wanted to cry. WHY? Why did I do that. I didn't want that food. I didn't need that food. Pure outright disgust with myself....

To add to the disgust that I feel over my behavior and actions last night.....this morning I went to turn on my computer....problems. My new hard drive (I've only had this one a few months ago...I had run out of space on my other one) went kaput. And stupid me.......I haven't backed up anything since last November. I've just lost 6 months of my life. 6 months of pictures. Six months of writing. Six months of EVERYTHING ARRGGGHHH

This is not a good week...especially if you add in the other stressors that I'm dealing with.

I have pulled myself together.....I've got my healthy eating hat back on and i'm working on it. I've already ridden the exercise bike for an hour this morning...and I'm heading to Zumba after work....so 2 hours of exercise today. I'm trying.

snickerdoodle bars

snickerdoodle bars, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

The snickerdoodle bars were just the icing on the cake to my eating extravaganza for the weekend. Arrrgghhhh why can't I just keep it under control on the weekend.

Saturday started out just fine. I knew what I was doing. I had my food plan made and it was actually already entered in....life was good. Until we ended up going out to eat.....I went a few points over my daily limit. I have the weekly points so not too much of an issue.

Sunday. I had a healthy breakfast...and then we had to run to Charlestown....we ended up eating at Pizza Hut. Uhhh yeah, I ate my half of the pizza. I had my new stove delivered this weekend so I just HAD to make something in it. I baked snickerdoodle bars. Yes, I tried one (it was a new recipe also). THEN mom and dad took me out to eat. I had a turkey sandwich and hashbrown casserole. All in all for th eweekend I used roughly 13 weekly points.

Not too bad when you look a it that way. However I know that when I eat those weekly points, I usually don't have too good of a weight loss for that week. So we'll see. I'm going to think positively. I did NOT overeat over the weekend...I was never full to the point of being sick...so there is good things.

SOOO my weekly challenge for exercise is to earn 50 Activitiy POints. Right now I'm at roughly 12 (soewhere around there). I really ahve to step it up. I've got 4 more days! Of cousre Zumba is tomorrow night and that's mad points earned. But I'm goign to have to kick up the intensity and/or the time! But I'm going to do it...if I don't, I will have to pay my pennance.....(that's in the form of money........money speaks to me)

auto-pilot

I'm sitting here staring at the blank computer screen....wondering what to write. I've got nothing to say. I'm basically on auto-pilot with my eating and exercise...I'm struggling with some issues right now that are just making it hard to concentrate on anything...and thus auto-pilot. I know that that is a dangerous place to be. Complacency breeds failure. This journey takes almost constant vigilence. I cannot relax my gaurd. But yet I have to say that right now, I'm on auto-pilot. I'm relying on the good habits that I have spent the last few years developing to outsmart the fat MF habits. And I'm hangin' on.

The ups and downs of weight loss are enough to drive on to madness. Those scales. Oh those scales have the power to make me happy. They have the power to excite me. And those same scales have the power to drive me into a depression. Some people don't weigh themselves and I say "Good for you". For me though, I need to know where I'm at. How well (or not well) I'm doing. I need to know. So I used to weigh daily. Right now I weigh roughly 3-5 times a week. I stepped onto the scales this morning and after staying the course over the weekend, I found myself 4 tenths of a pound UP. What the heck? Can I not get a break????

I was feeling blue before I weighed in over various situations and things (I'm looking for a a different job and it's depressing to not find anything........I'm working 12 hours today at a job that bores me to tears....12 hours of intense boredom!....just to name a few)....so the results on the scales just makes me want to scream!

Will I give up? No. I STILL got onto the exercise bike and rode. Only 9.55 miles today (14.11 yesterday) I still had a nice healthy breakfast and packed a nutritious lunch. I"m still workin' it...but it just makes me sad. But that's one of the things about this journey.....it's not always fun and games and easy. We need to roll with the good and roll with the bad in order to get where we are going....which is 'thindom!

Yesterday evening we finally pulled out our existing stove to check the plug to make sure that we have the proper one when they bring my new stove! T minus 6 days until I have a new stove! Under the stove was about a billion of those cat toys...the bizzy balls. (the plastic balls with a jingle bell inside). Ok, maybe not a million, in reality we counted and there were 16 of them. We didn't think about it and just threw them over our shoulder into the living room. The cats went nuts because voila...new toys! We didn't think anything of it until we went to bed shortly thereafter. Lil' Mertz LOVES LOVES LOVES the bizzy balls and can play with the same one for HOURS, or until she loses it under a piece of furniture (or stove haa haa haa). In the past, I've actually had to get up in the middle of the night to remove a bizzy ball from Lil' Mertz' playful attack, simple because she rips through the house like a lunatic, with that stupid little bell jingling merrily. Last night, I didn't even attempt...because she had 15 of them. And she played ALL night. Jingle jingle jingle! In and out of the bedroom, into the bathroom, in the kitchen. The cat was EVERYWHERE. JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE! Finally at around 6AM, she must have succeeded in either losing the last one OR strategically hiding the last one and she was ready to relax. Of course that was when my day started. BOOOOOO

BUT, against the odds of sleepiness, I got on the exercise bike and rode for 60 minutes. It wasn't a fast ride...or even all that strenuous. I did 14.11 miles.

Ohhh so that brings me to my challenge for this week. I am to take an outdoor bike ride for 12.5 miles OR an exercise bike ride for 20-25 miles. If I do not complete one or the other of these tasks, I will need to send my 'penance' to my weight loss buddy. My penance? MOney. Cold hard cash! $20 bucks. Not enough to break me...but I don't like to part with my moldy money!!!!!

The updated stats for my yearly Activity Points goal......487!!! (65 this last week)

Water retention.....tis a funny thing. Sadly enough for women, it happens like clockwork once a month. But even beyond that......I drank diet soda all day yesterday. I may have had one or two sips of water throughout the day.....but mostly soda. By yesterday evening, my rings were so stinkin' tight.....water retention. I didn't weigh myself this morning, but I know that the number would not be a true depiction of my weekend efforts because of my water consumption, or lack thereof. So I'm drinkin' up today! All of these healthy habits really do go hand in hand! :-)

Running escapades

Yesterday while I was jogging (and dying) I had all sorts of thoughts about what I was going to write about and then that car issue just really blew me away. Oh well.

I was soooo super excited to complete that 3.1 miles to make a 5K. And when I reached that 5K mark, all I could think about was that episode on TBL that I wrote about a few weeks ago. I put myself in Michaels shoes and I heard Bob's voice echoing through my head "4 miles! Do four miles." So I DID! I just kept pushing myself a little further than I thought I could go...and surprisingly, my body stepped up and did it!

Sooo my pace is really slow. I'm doing a 14.19 mile. That's SLOW. haa haa haa....barely above a fast walk, but you know what....it will increase. (that's another thing I did...at the end of my run, when I was desperate to make 4 miles, but running out of time at the gym, I knocked the speed up a bit and you know what...I made it!)

My problem with running the 8 minutes. By the end of each 8 minute segment (usually around minute 6 or 7, I found that my breathing got really choppy and 'disorganized'. It felt as if my lungs were not getting enough air. I didn't let it stop me...and instead at that point I would focus on my breathing. Deep breath in for three (or four) steps.....breathe out for three or four steps. I honestly had to FOCUS on breathing. It was almost as if my body started to panic and forgot how to properly breath. The focusing on my breaths helped. I don't know if it just took the focus away or if it really helped...but it helped me push through. I just need to start focusing on that breathing technique the whole way through....so that I don't get to that choppy can't get a lung full at all!

My exercise will probably be garden work today. We'll have to see. :-)

Run-a-way Day

I made it to the gym this morning....and let me tell you. I got on the treadmill and got ready to do my walk/jog combo. I walked 2 minutes and then started to jog. I jogged for 8 stinkin' minutes. Then I walked for 2 and I figured, well heck, if I just did 8 minutes, I can do it again! So I did. I walked another two minutes and thought I'd go for broke......so another 8 minute stint. At that point I looked at the mileage and saw that it was about 2.3 miles. Well hey....a 5K is 3.1 miles. I gathered up my determination and after a brief 2 minute walk I was off for another 8 minutes of jogging. At 40 minutes in I was at 32 minutes of jogging and 8 minutes of walking! I finished my 5K at 44 minutes (and in the middle of another stint of jogging). I stopped jogging at that 44 minutes but then started to think and decided to go for 4 miles. So I started jogging again. I hit my 4 miles at roughly 53 minutes. I walked just a bit more and ended up at 55 minutes on the treadmill.....at 4.23 miles 45 minutes and 10 minutes walked!

So now are you ready for the MF is stupid story?
This morning we got back from the gym. I pulled into the driveway and waited to make sure that the gear caught and then hopped out. (I admit to not using my parking break religiously). We got inside and then I remembered that we had stopped at Sav A Lot and picked up a few things (bananas for 29cents a pound and a 20 pound bag of potatoes for 2.98...and since sav a lot is by the gym, it makes sense to run in and get those things when I'm right there anyway). So we went back out to the car..opened the truck (with the key...not from inside the car) and got the stuff out. We walked around the yard and I checked my strawberry patch (they are green!). I went in and hopped into the shower. I was just getting out of the shower when Todd starts yelling "Your car!!! YOUR CAR!!!". I wrap my towel around me (thank goodness for bath sheets!) and ran out to the door and onto the front porch. my car was not where I parked it....I looked down the hill....my car was sitting in the middle of the woods.......I wasn't sure if it had hit a tree and bounced enough that the tree was beside it...or if it had just missed the tree by mere inches. I went in and threw on clothes as fast as I could and trucked down into the woods (probably at LEAST 100 feet). It was quickly obvious that the car had only stopped because of tree that had been cut down and was laying on it's side....and acted as a stopper. We looked....the car had literally missed the tree by inches! I hopped in the car and pulled it back up onto the driveway........we checked the car.....just a few minor scratches (which will actually be able to be buffed out with a towel)....and we had to pull some brush out from underneath....but the car is fine. WHEW.

So....how is your day???? (And it can't be worse than a run-a-way car can it????)

Hump Day!

Week 2 of Zumba is done. I was starting to really get the steps down.....except for the one salsa move. I would be ok...but when she started to turn I woudl lose it and have no clue what my feet were supposed to be doing! But I pushed myself. I didn't do the modified. When there was a hop, I hopped....when there was a jump, I jumped. I tried to push myself fully! Good workout!

This morning....I woke up with the alarm clock. I laid in bed, my eyes felt as if they were glued shut! But after laying there for a few minutes, I groaned and pushed the covers back. I won't say that I bounded out of bed.....I moved SLOWLY. But I got on that pesky exercise bike and got a ride in this morning. It wasn't a long ride. It was only 35 minutes...but I did it. I also got a load of laundry through the washing machine and onto the line. I went through the pantry. The pantry had gotten really jumbled...so I organized and wrote down what we have. :-) I'll be able to sit down now and figure out what we are eating the next two weeks and make up my grocery list! I showered, drank a smoothie and headed off to work. I work 9 hours today. Tonight Todd and I are planning on spending the evening outside working in the yard and garden!!!

Do you round up or down in your figures? I was just writing how many minutes I rode. 35 sounded so lame so I literally backed it up and changed it to 40. But then I was like. Wait...that is cheating MYSELF! I find myself wanting to round down on my food intake. I have to stop myself and say.....I'm only cheating myself if I do that!

Shame

I'm so freakin' ashamed. I was at work and I was just dragging. I KNEW I didn't want to go to the gym. I was hungry and my legs just felt HEAVY! SO what did I do??? I went home and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (ok, not so much ashamed at that one...my stomach had literally been growling for a few hours) and when my husband got home a few minutes after me, I promptly talked him out of going to the gym. ME, the one that babbled about how I hoped he wouldn't wimp out on going to the gym. I swore that we would run our errends and I would ride the exercise bike at home for at least an hour in lieu of the gym. I had such good intentions. I made dinner....and washed the dishes and got on that bike. My legs felt like dead weight. I made it 10 minutes before I gave it up.

I'm a loser!

I am packed and ready for Zumba tonight though. I'm at work...I have my workout clothes, my dinner and my water bottle ready to fill up! No excuses tonight!

This running dialogue in my head....I call it the fat mini me that's in my mind feeding me all of these excuses. And honestly, it's difficult because the excuses are SOOO easy to succumb to!

Lots on my mind

So what is really on my mind.......food. I just put some new recipes onto my food blog. That of course makes me think about food. It makes me think about the yummy stuff that I shouldn't eat....WAIT, in moderation...I'm allowed in moderation. Of course moderation is a problem for me. So anyway, it got me to thinkin' about yummy foods. . But mainly, my mouth just salivated at the thought of dinner. Dinner tonight is Chicken Pot Pie. I actually made it last night and it's in the stove waiting to be baked. Why did I take this method did I ask? Well, it would be becausee I get off of work at 4PM and the plan is to go to the gym at 4...then come home and have dinner. I knew that if I din't have dinner planned and actually even partially prepared that I would be really tempted to say "lets go out to eat'. We've been so busy and working such opposite schedules thave I haven't cooked much....I wanted home cooked meal!

Lunch today was a Summer Salad. Super yummy!


I feel as if I did pretty good this weekend. I didn't stray too far from the plan....actually all still within the plan. And I cut down on my carbs...which is REALLY good for me! :-)

Counted my new recipes for this year........26....so I'm more than half way through my recipe goal for this year (52 new recipes tried for the year....granted some of them are not at all healthy.....such as the Irish cream Cake.....I am not even going to put a link to it here...because it's NOT HEALTHY!).

Ok....I need to earn about 60 activity points a week for the rest of the year to make my goal. Now I know that come summer outdoor activity that I'll earn mad points while working in the garden and with the preservation of the produce. So I will probably make some headway in the summer. Meanwhile.....I USUALLY net between 4-10 points a day. So I really will have to step it up!!! (of course there are some days where I earn upwards to 20....such as last tuesday when I worked out at the gym and then also did Zumba!)

Well, I thought 2500 sounded like a challenge but not out of the ball park. I figured that I would have had lots of AP's wracked up already this year. Uhhhhhh......the year is already more than a quarter of the way through......a quarter of the way would/SHOULD having me at 625 points. So where I am???? 422 as of yesterday! Ok, so I've got my work cut out for me!

Ok, had a question about the ice cream that I talked about the other day.


Yes, it is reduced sugar and yes, it is reduced fat. Does it taste differently. Honestly, I dont' miss it while I"m eating it. Every once in a while I'll splurge and get 'regular' ice cream and THEN I notice how creamy it is. I have the biggest problem with the fat free frozen yogurts that you can get in the tubs.....they taste to ice crystally for me. But back to the reduced fat ice creams......I like them and buy them pretty regularly. I guess for me it still tastes really good and any taste difference is so minute that the 'real' stuff is not worth it to me. I'm sure there are people out there that differ with my thought....but to each his own. (I have things that I refuse to drop down and eat low fat/fat free versions of....ice cream is not one of them). That said, there are some brands that do a better job of the low fat/sf versions of ice cream. So test some out. (Bryers does a great job...and actually nutrition label wise, some of the best choices....but their flavors are somewhat limited. This is the first time I had Blue Bunny....I will buy again!)

And like always...just because it's low fat/sugar free....portion control is VERY important! I usually follow this rule of thumb/tip when buying ice cream to make sure that our portions are correct. :-)

New Goals

Whew....what a day! It started at the crack of dawn and it just continued.....busy busy busy. After work, I made a quick lunch and then Todd and I hopped onto our bikes and headed out for an hour long ride. We got back and had a bit of my new favorite ice cream (it was dang hot out there today). Todd jumped in the shower and left shortly thereafter. I began work. I started at one end of our abode and worked my way across to the other end. Furniture was moved. Floors were scrubbed (hands and knees). Toilets were swished. Carpets were not just vacuumed, carpets were cleaned with my new steam cleaner. Laundry was done. I worked until 7PM...and I'm utterly exhausted! Sore too!

SO while I was doing all this work I was thinking (well, and singing as I was listening to music the whole time)....I fell apart on my mileage goals. Basically I set a goal that was so darn high that it was near impossible. SOOOOO I came up with a new goal. I am a weight watchers....I count points. SO this year, I'm aiming to earn at LEAST 2500 Activity points. For those of you that don't know how activity points work.....for me walking for 15 minutes is roughly 1 activity point. However, if I jog (up the intensity) it goes to 2 points. It is also based on how much I weigh...as I lose.....I'll earn less for the same amount of work. :-) This goal is better for me......for those days when I'm out in the garden shovelling and working REALLY hard....I am still earning activity points. ANd no, I dont' count a simple house clean (1 hour job) in my activity points. Today when I did it for 5 hours without a break...yeah, that is a 'special' occaision and that is counted.

Tonight at some point I'm going to go back through my daily tracker and figure out how many AP's I have already earned this year. :-) I'm always religious about counting them. :-) I'll post my progress up to date tomorrow!

Had my weigh in this morning. I dropped 1.4 pounds. So that pretty much recoups my weight gain from last week.

I'm very determined to NOT splurge and eat like a starving pig this weekend. I will NOT NOT NOT have to step on the scales on Monday and see a gain of 3 pounds (that happened last week) only to spend the next few days working my tail end off to try to at least show a maintain!! That is just so not cool. Sooo if I was showing myself up 3 pounds on MOnday...but still managed to lose after 5 days of being on plan....what the heck can I do if I'm on plan EVERY day!!! I can't wait to find out!

I've got a busy day planned. Already I've been to town and went to City Market for a bit and then went to my weight watcher meeting. I left there and made it work by 7:45. (yes, AM). I work until noon...then off to the house to eat a quick lunch and then I plan on heading out on my bike. Todd works at 3 and that will be my cue to crank up the stereo and do a REALLY good house cleaning. We bought a steam cleaner last night...so I'll be checking that out also tonight. So I've got a busy day planned. :-)

Tomorrow......nothing planned. :-)