weigh in and training

Lets see...what to type about first. Should I type about my weigh in and the meeting? Or should I type about my bike ride this morning? I mean, which one? Bike ride? Weigh in? Oh heck, I'll go chronologically.

Went to my meeting. As I wrote yesterday I was optimistic about the results. I was actually estimating (based on my home weigh ins) that I would be down about 4.5 pounds. I stepped on the scales with confidence. I mean, I was pretty sure that my weigh in was going to be a good one. Uhhhhh it was not what I expected. I did NOT lose 4.5 pounds. Not even remotely close. Yeah, I lost 5.8 pounds! YES you read that right. I lost FIVE POINT EIGHT pounds! Five and eight tenths of a pound. Holy cow...that is almost 6 pounds in one week!

There was some sad news. The weight watcher leader that was there......Bonnie is actually the leader that i have had for most of my weight loss journey. She is not going to be leading any more meetings as she accepted another job. Sad. Makes me nervous. I've sat in on a lot of meetings in the last few months...and I have heard some pretty lame leaders. But we'll have to see!

Last night I came home and I admit that I ate a bit more food than I probably should have. I ate pancakes and turkey bacon. I then followed that carb laden meal up with a 70 minute exercise bike ride. (I had ridden for about 35 minutes early yesterday morning also). I was kinda nervous about what the scales would say today. But the results were not bad. (hey, it showed me down..that's all that matters)

This morning the cat (Ethel) started at around 4AM. She just didn't want me to sleep. She wanted to tell me something. She pawed at my face. She bit my hair. She meowed and tapped me with her pay. It was terrible. Finally at about 6Am I got out of bed. I guess she just wanted me to get awake...because from then on she was fine. But, no problem...I was hoping to get an outside ride in this morning as the weather was supposed to be gorgeous today. I looked at the thermometer. YIKES 43 degrees outside! That's cold! (yeah, I'm a wimp) I turned on my computer. I made my oatmeal. I ate my oatmeal. I answered some emails. Ohh yeah, life was just moving along. 7AM. Ohhh joy, it was up to 44 degrees. At about 7:30 I looked and we were up to 45 degrees. I stepped outside (gave a truck driving by a nice sight, me in my nightgown with my flannel pants standing on the front deck stretching and feeling how cold it was). Hmmmm...it wasn't that cold. So I went in, bundled up and grabbed my stuff (I took extra care with my cell phone....I'm not sure it could handle another submersion in the cats water dish) and off I went. My IPOD was fully charged so I was able to listen to music on this ride.

My goal that I set for this week, in my training was to ride as much as possible (exercise bikes if I couldn't get outside) and try to do at LEAST 12 miles outside on the roads. (last weeks goal was 10 miles.....I did 11.21...averaging 9.1 mph). I don't know what overcame me. I had a route all planned in my head. I came to the turn off that I should take to do that route. And I thought, "why the heck not" and I went straight to a longer route and definitely more hilly. It seemed at every turn, when I had the option of choosing to go the 'easy/short' way or the 'long/more hilly' way I chose the harder option. Heck, I even swung around once and did a second lap on the north end of the battlefield. Probably because it was so bucolic. Ohh wait, that was the manure that they were spreading in the fields! (haa haa haa) I'll admit, the first mile or two was rough. My legs were KILLING me. But it seemed to get better the further on I went. At one point on the battlefield, I was riding along and singing at the top of my lungs. (hey, I heard that singing while you exercise helps to expand the lungs and actually helps your workout....and I like to sing and the music was really good so why not? And NO, I didn't sing aloud when I was in town...or anywhere near where others could really hear me....well, not including the cows).

Soooo the results of my ride. One hour and 41 minutes. 16.17 miles! Average speed of 9.5. SOOOO, I went further, (true it took me longer, but that's expected) and I bettered my average speed. :-)

The other thing that I started working on during the ride. Hills. I've been doing the hills. I just gear down, stay in my saddle and pump my legs to get up the hill. I go mighty slow on some of those hills, but I make it to the top. WELL, today I started experimenting with getting out of the saddle and really working on the way up the hills. Well, first of all I learned that I can't have it in too low of a gear or else it's like near impossible because it is actually wobbly and you feel as if your legs are just flying through the air because there is not enough resistance. SOOO the next attempt I left it in the higher gear that I had used to approach the hill. Uhhh nope... It worked for a little bit. But after just a bit, you start to slow down and it feels as if you are trying to ride through quicksand. Uhh that doesn't work! So it's a middle of the ground gear that you need to be in. Ohh yeah, I found out that one of my middle of the ground gears slips. Yeah, that hurt when my leg jarred when it slipped it's gear. But i kept riding and ignored the pain (that was at about mile 4....) and whadya know...by the time I got home it didn't hurt anymore. (Maybe it's because my butt was so numb...yeah, I forgot the bike shorts/padded underwear again...ok the butt wasn't that bad..but I was mad at myself for forgetting). But you know...with the gear...it's only on one tier of gears...so if I knock it up to the next 7 (my middle 7 out of the 21) then I'm ok. Well, that's good...I shouldn't be wimping out and riding in that low gear anyway should I?? tee hee hee

So, I'm pretty stoked about my ride this morning. I blew my training goal out of the water...that's a REALLY good thing! :-) I still haven't faced the south side of the battlefield yet....that's like ALL uphill. I'll get there though! I'll get there!

Rambles and deep thoughts

Shhhhhhh don't get too excited yet, but this weeks weigh in looks pretty promising! :-) I'll know tonight at about 5 PM!

Training is going as well as it can be going when the weather outside is freakin' 20 degrees! Come on spring temperatures. I know you are out there. Get here already! Meanwhile, I truck along on the exercise bike as much as possible. I've been nailing some longer rides on the exercise bike...so I feel good about that. Riding until my legs have a little bit of that 'jelly feeling' in them is a good thing now-a-days. How sick is that, that I look forward to that feeling????

You know...I just like the Australian version of The Biggest Loser. they seem to go so much more in depth with the background of why the contestants are the way they are...and eating and all that jazz. I was watching an episode from season three (yep, while riding the exercise bike) and one of the contestants participated in a temptation to win immunity. He ate well over 1000 calories as he participated....and LOST anyway! He was just so upset and bummed out that he went to the kitchen and had lunch (right after the temptation where he ate 1000 empty calories). Ohh it wasn't just lunch. It was lots of bread, 14 cookies (at 100 calories a cookie), cheese, you name it...he had it. He ate something like 4000 calories during his binge. They showed it! Not that we needed to see him eating. But I think it's good to show that even though this guy had lost close to 50 kilos (we are talking 100 pounds here) he still so easily lost control and binged. It happens. And they took the opportunity to talk about how you deal with that. The trainer also talked about how she could tell immediately that 'something' was wrong even before he told her...simply in how his body was performing.

I'm going to revisit a rant I went on a while back about gastric bypass surgery and being bothered about it. Well, that family member has her date set....for the end of this month. WHY WHY WHY!!! Mom told me that in her words she said "I just stay away from food." Well, what is going to be different after you have the surgery? Your stomach will stretch again! Look at the guy (the father Ron) on the current season of The Biggest Loser. He had bypass and it didn't work! Ohh he lost the weight but he gained it back! Same thing with that girl on DietTribe (I think her name was Morgan). Bypass...and right back to 280 pounds! It's not the end all be all answer! I ran into a friend last week and somehow this bypass conversation came up. Turns out her brother-in-law had the lapband surgery back right around Thanksgiving (I think she said between Thanksgiving and Christmas). Two days before the surgery (and the last time he was supposed to eat before the surgery) he went out to Ryans...and totally ate himself silly. What is taht about? So anyway, he had the surgery and has been losing the weight. BUT my friend went on to say that he's figured out a trick. Apparently with the lapband, they leave a small portion of your stomach...so you eat until that is filled...and then when that is digested it passes through the small opening and then you can eat more....but you can't eat more until that is digested and passed through that opening. WELL, apparently her brother in law has figured out a way to beat the system , er lapband. He has figured out that he can eat until that 'space' is full...and then if he drinks a lot of water (quickly??) that it pushes that food past that narrow opening leaving that pouch available for more food...which of course he refills by eating...and then flushing. It took him what....3 months to figure out how to bypass the bypas (ok, a lapband, but bypassing the bypass sounded better)

I'm still really feeling led or called to do something to promote healthy living. To help people see that even though you may dig yourself into a pretty big hole with your weight, that it is NOT impossible to correct the problem naturally. I don't know how....but I'm thinking and I've started to seriously pray about it. The one thing that keeps popping up in my mind is becoming a nutritionist. I had looked at the certification programs...I'm not sure that is the route to go....so that leaves the RD (registered dietitian)...but that is more schooling.....which takes money. So we'll have to see about that. I've looked for non-profits to align myself with...but I'm not finding much. I found one coalition or some such group that looked big and well organized. But upon looking deeper noticed that they have links and support the gastric bypass stuff. And while I do think that there is a time and a place for those surgeries...I feel that it is becoming the 'quick fix' resort....and that is wrong in my book. So I don't want to align myself with a group that pushes gastric bypasses as the common solution. So I'm not sure what route to take...I just know that right now, my heart is really pulled in that direction.

My last thought of the day. (maybe) is why do we feel as if we need to eat something just because it's the consummate diet food. I was reading a post just recently where the author was talking about oatmeal. And how she never liked oatmeal...but she wants to eat it...and did we have any ideas how to make it more palatable. I threw some ideas out there (things that I do to my oatmeal) but then finished with "don't make yourself eat something just because you think it's healthy'. We need to eat what we like...otherwise we will NEVER have any success....at least with any longevity! Soooooo today, just a few minutes ago, I started eating my lunch....and what did I find in my lunchbox (yeah yeah yeah...I packed it..so I knew what was there beforehand) but yogurt. Ohhh goody! My favorite thing! NOT. I really do not like yogurt! So why do I continue to buy it? Is it because I have coupons and get it cheap? Well, even though I have coupons sometimes for the yogurt, the coupons alone do not make me buy the item. I mean, after all, I get coupons for Depends (yeah, the adult diaper) and I don't buy them! (thank goodness I don't NEED them) I dont' buy diapers and baby food..but I've had some good coupons. So no...that can't be it. Ohh wait, do I buy them and choke the yogurt down because it's healthy for me???? Ohhh yeah, that's it!! Even though my own advice was to not force yourself to eat foods that you do not like....even though it's healthy for you, there I was doing it! I thought about my advice and I just didn't have it in me to choke down that yogurt....so into the garbage it went. It's about time I started following my own advice!

Lunch is over now (yeah, I was eating while I typed that last paragraph). And like I promised, I'm done talking (typing ) for now.

Whew!

Ok, so the uppage on the scales is gone again. Yep, must HAVE been water. WHew! Still on track with my eating! :-)

I read this post today on Cara's blog. Check it out. It really hit me between the eyes! It's on self sabataging yourself in your weight loss efforts. It is REALLY REALLY a good read!

Book Review

I did so good with my eating this weekend. I exercised. I drank my water. So why am I up on the scales? 2.2 pounds in one day to be exact. (yep, I know that there is NO WAY on this earth that I ate 2.2 pounds worth of food yesterday) BUT...I'm not going to worry about it. I'm happy with my eating. I didn't splurge, I didn't break. I ate healthy. I ate wisely. I did good.

I just finished reading a book entitled "Conversations with a Fat Girl" By Liza Palmer. A friend passed it on to me (thanks Lynn). It is a novel. But ohh did this story resonate within me. This girl grew up big and as she got older she have a very active fantasy/dream world...as her escape from her chubby life. Her weight ruled the decisions she made. Her weight ruled the relationships that she had...and didn't have (because of her weight). Throughout the book she learns the most important lesson...that what is inside is the most important thing...and that she can't let her fears, fears that are grounded in her obesity, rule her life.

It made me think. I didn't date much before I met my husband. The dates that I did have were not satisfying. I was uncomfortable and they rarely went further than a first or second date. I had one guy actually tell me (after a few dates) that i would be 'hot if I lost weight'. I actually saw him once more after that (in a dating situation). He is the one that stopped calling me. I did not stand up for myself and was actually sad when he stopped calling. I guess that's all I felt as if I deserved. I've let my weight play a role in my professional life. I've really let my weight dictate so much. In the past few years, I have stood up and started allowing the MaryFran that is inside to shine. But I admit that I still struggle with feelings of inferiority.......not because I think I'm stupid or anything like that. I sometimes feel inferior because of my weight. AND I'm not that big anymore. But the feelings are still there...buried...waiting to come out. For example, last summer when we were at Hershey park. I was at my lowest weight ever. I worried constantly about fitting onto the rides (on a previous visit I could barely fit on the rides...and at one point had to be moved to a special 'larger seat'). That worry translated into thinking people were staring at me...the fat chick waiting in line to ride such and such ride! As the day progressed and I fit onto more and more rides I started to feel better about myself....but each time I went through a turnstile, I felt that moment of panic. I was ruled by something that I KNEW was erroneous, yet powerless to change.

I think part of changing this thought process, these feelings; is to push myself out of my comfort zone. Do things that make me feel uncomfortable and realize that nothing bad is going to happen. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and went to the spin class. I liked it. :-) A first step toward pushing these self doubts and feelings out of my head!

I was planning on going to an express 30 minute spin class tonight. Sounds good eh? I'm still hoping to be able to go. HOWEVER, Todd called me from the house and told me that the house was cold this morning. For some reason our heat pump (less than a year old) is not keeping the place warm. NOT cool. It's in the 20's...but we've had colder days and have had no problem keeping it warm. Todd flipped the breaker to turn it off...and then he's turned it back on. He had to go to work...so I don't' know what I'll find when I get home. A cold house? A warm house??? Who knows. SOOOO I may be staying at home tonight and waiting for the guy to come and look and see what's happening. ARRGGHHH this is frustrating!

March comes in like a Lion

OK, so we got about an inch of snow last night...does that constitute March coming in like a lion? I sure hope so..because I'm really really really looking forward to the lamb part!

So far so good....I'm happy with my eating. I'm happy with what the scales are saying. I'm feeling good. I have my food planned out for the rest of today and I'm feeling confident that I can make it through the weekend unscathed. (Oops, better drink up some more....although I'm doing OK on my water consumption also thus far).

OK...report of my week of training. I spent 330 minutes on an exercise bike. I did a 30 minute spin class (more on that later) and I rode 11.21 miles (in 75 minutes) on the road. (Todd and I did some walks and I did a few other exercisy things...but for the training purposes....they don't count).

I've been writing about the possibility of doing a spin class for quite a while. As recently as February 19th I talked about it. Well, this morning I went. I went to a beginners session. I loved it! OK, we'll see how much I love it after I've done a full outright session...but I loved it. I'm hoping to go back tomorrow night to another session!

I've been reading a book that is really making me think about my life and how I've let my weight rule it and how I've let my weight play a role in decisions that I've made. I'll expound more on this in a later post, after I've finished the book and really thought about it in full. :-) But I can say now...I can look back and see decisions that have been made and the fact that my weight was a big factor.

Cell Phone Hijinx

Well whadya know!!! Apparently cell phones can withstand a short dip in water! I let mine dry out and this morning I put the battery back in and put it back together. I turned it on. It powered right up. I've made a few phone calls and all seems to be well. Fancy that!

I've been happy with my eating both on Thursday and Friday. And the scales are showing progress on that front.

Not too much new to report today. Life is trucking along in grand fashion...I'm determined to make it through this weekend...weekends are difficult. But I made it through last weekend, so I can do it again. :-)

Crazy Crazy girl that I am!

I made it to my weight watcher meeting last night. Amidst this darn headache (today is day three of the headache) which provided a really good excuse. But I went. I have NEVER dreaded stepping on the scales more than last night. NEVER! But I faced that meeting and I stepped on them. I was estimating that I was up about 10 pounds from my last weigh in. I was pretty close. 8.4 pounds up from the last time I went to a meeting.....and they are saying 20 pounds up from my lifetime mark. (crazy...it should be 24 pounds by my calculations.....but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.) So I faced it and I've come out of it ready to see those number drop!



I'm also feeling quite optimistic. I guess going and facing it gave me renewed hope and energy to do it!





WHAT THE 'H' 'E' DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS WAS I THINKING?????? Was it just yesterday that i was saying that I can see improvement in my biking??? This morning I awoke before the alarm that was set to wake Todd up (I didn't have to go to work until later). I laid there and was disappointed to realize that my headache was still there. Not as pronounced as it was yesterday and the day before...but it was still floating around in my head. I walked to the kitchen and noticed the outside temp. WOOO HOOOOO FIFTY ONE DEGREES! How utterly exciting. I know that the temps are supposed to drop back to the low thirties (as a high) so this is my opportunity to get my 'big minimum' bike ride of 10 miles in for this weeks training. (Basically my training plan is to ride as much as possible throughout the week...but each week I have a goal for my 'long' ride...with each week getting to be a longer and longer ride until I'm doing 25 miles) Soooooooo I downed a handful of Advil, ate breakfast and went to the bedroom to dress for my bike excursion. I knew it would be somewhat chilly out there. SO I slipped on a pair of cuddle dud's (silky satiny long john underwear type thingy) and then put on my sweatpants over that. I put on a long sleeve tee shirt, then a short sleeve tee shirt and then a sweatshirt. (layers ya know...that wind can hit against a person...and that can get cold!) I put on a hat to protect my head and ears (bike helmets don't protect against cold), and slipped on an old pull over jacket. I put on some gloves...and I was almost ready. I grabbed my IPOD (is it against the law to listen to your IPOD while biking on the roads???) DANG...the battery was just about dead. Ohhhh well....no music on my ride...I'll toughen it out and go completely natural....just the wind and my thoughts. I grabbed my cell phone and my keys and walked across the kitchen. Ooops...the cell phone slipped from my fingers. It hit the floor and bounced. It bounced INTO the cat water dish. ohhh yeah. I quickly pulled it out (before the splash was even done splashing) and handed it to Todd so he could work on it. (We are crossing our fingers that it will dry out and still work...if not, I'm heading out to buy a cell phone this weekend). Should I have stopped at that point? Probably. But I went out back, got my bike and off I went. (I did grab todd's cell so I would have something in case I needed help). I started down the road. My thoughts went wild...and this is my ride by mile markers and the corresponding thoughts.



0.82 "Oh my, the wind is whipping much more than I thought it was. Boy...it's terribly windy. maybe I should turn around. NO NO NO I did not just ruin my cell phone to ride less than 1 mile and then turn back." This became my mantra for the next mile as I pushed onward. "I did not kill my cell phone for a measly ride"



2.0 "I'm getting close to town...what should I do. Should I wimp out and turn around, and go home...that would be a 5 mile ride. Or....I could ride around town and then go home. But then again, I can ride a mile out to the battlefield entrance and ride some over there...garnering me some more miles. Ohhh wait, I can turn right up here when i get to town, swing down to the canal and ride home on the canal. That would be a nice idea." And those thought went in a circle...round and round and round.



2.5 "Oh boy...I'm at the stop sign. I made it to town. Which way which way which way". I decided to turn right and go over to the battlefield.



3.5 "Oh wow..there is someone walking on the side of the road. I better pick up the pace on this hill so that it doesn't look like I'm biking in slow motion."



3.6 "Ahhh on the battlefield. What...I don't remember that hill going up to the observation tower! I better get a drink of water."



4.0 "The observation tower and Bloody lane. I've gone Bloody far enough! It's time to turn this bike around and return from whence I came."



4.5 "I could have sworn I went up a hill at this point going the other way...but here I am going up another hill"



5.5 "Decisions decisions decisions. I could go home the same way I came out....2.5 miles of not so gently (to a biker) rolling hills. Or I could go down to the canal and go home via the canal. The canal would be 1 mile of a fun downhill road, then 5 miles of the canal (relatively flat) and then one mile of uphill to get to my house. Hmmmm.....long but less hills or short but hilly." In my immense logic, I chose the canal...a longer route.



6.0 "weeee, I love going downhill"



7.0 "I better start praying for strength to train...this stuff is difficult"



8.8 "Mileage wise, I would have been home if I had taken the other option...what I fool I am"



9.0 "Why didn't I put on my padded shorts this morning? Ohhh I was so brilliant and thought that the extra layer of clothing would be sufficient. Well you know what...your brilliant mind failed you....My butt HURTS"



9.5 "Can I quit????? Oh my word. I can't. I'm on the canal.....secluded. I have to keep going. I can't quit. I don't want to quit..but I oh my word...even if I wanted to quit I can't because I don't' have my cell phone...I don't have the emergency number for the canal for them to get someone to help me. And I'd be too embarrassed anyway to call up a park ranger to come get me because I'm 'tooo tired'. I have only one option. Onward ho"



10.0 "Ohh my, I can see the road. I'm almost to the end of my travels on the canal."

10.5 "HILL....ohhh stinkin' hill up to my house. Ohhh wow.....I didn't know anyone could bike this slow. 3.8 mph Ohh lookey...now I'm up to 4.5 mph. Ohh this is pitiful!"



10.8 "was that a rain drop? Ohhh no...no rain, please no rain!"



11.0 "IF I can just make it to the next mailbox, I'll be good."



11.01 "oohhh blessed mailbox. Now I need to make it to that tree....."



11.1 "Ohh look another mailbox to strive for. And look, my speed is up to 6.8"



11.15 "I can see our property. Hmmm...I wonder how lame it would be to cut off the road as soon as I reach my property instead of waiting for the driveway. Oh shucks, there's a limb down, I can't cut in through there anyway...I guess I better wait for the driveway."



11.21 Ohhhh blessed driveway!



I got my bike and myself inside and literally less than 10 minutes later it was pouring down rain! I squeaked that ride out! But my goal for this week was a 10 mile ride. I did it! (I wish I would have done a 12 miler though...because that is next weeks goal...and that would have been awesome to be a week ahead)

I'm not happy with my eating the last two days. And of course that parlays to the scales. But all I can do (other than cry) is to work so that I AM happy with my eating. Wow..that sounds simple doesn't it?

I was tickled yesterday. I've been riding my exercise bike at home. It's an old one.....and it doesn't keep track of my speed or mileage. So I just ride like the dickens for my set time and that's that. Well, I went to the gym yesterday and rode the random hill program on their bikes for 60 minutes. That's what I usually do if I ride the exercise bike at the gym. The last time I did that at the gym (about a month ago) I did about 11 miles in 60 minutes....and I struggled to keep my RPMS (rotations per minute) above 75. Yesterday I did my 60 minutes and did 21 miles and kept my RPMs closer to 100 for most of the hour. So I can see improvement. Now the problem is that exercise bike riding and road riding are a TOTALLY different ball game. Yeah, the exercise bike riding will help me. But road riding is SOOO much more difficult! The friction and wind and all that combine to make it soo much harder. (I can PROMISE you that I can't do 21 mph on my bike on the road! In fact, I'd be lucky to be able to keep up 10 mph on the road). But regardless...I can see improvement! SO I'm happy!

Other than that...I'm battling a terrible sinus headache and the monthly ick and all that entails. lucky me! BUT, even though these are wonderful excuses....I'm STILL going to go to a weight watcher meeting tonight!

Deep thoughts courtesy of an email.

Got an email this morning from a friend that really made me think. (thanks vjsm). In it she talked about how she and a friend/co-worker are doing an accountability thing with their eating. She asked the co-worker how she was doing. The friend responded with "I've lost such and such pounds." My friend, when asked the same question answered, "I'm happy with my eating". That got me to thinking.

There is a balance to be found in all of this. I may not be happy with my weight. As my friend put it...she knows she is happier with herself and just feels better when she is at a lower weight. BUT she was still happy with her eating. Being happy with your eating is saying that here is what I ate today.....and I'm ok with my choices. There is a heck of a lot of play in that. And it may not be conducive to losing weight. Some days when you are happy with your eating, it is a direct correlation to eating healthy and wisely in order to maintain and lose weight. But other days it may mean that you did indulge a bit, but you are ok with that indulgence. So at that point, what it boils down to is 'how badly do you want to lose weight." If losing weight is an overwhelming desire , then you will consider your healthy eating days your 'good' days.

So it takes the focus off the actual scales. SOOOOOOOO....I will be weighing every day, but I may not focus on the results of the scales here on my blog. Ohh yeah, when I have something to celebrate...I will be talking about it. But my daily weigh ins.....I'm going to try to not focus on them. (We'll see how long that lasts. haa haa haa)

Weekend reporting

We ended up not eating at the spanish restaurant yesterday. The plan is now to go on Wednesday. Regardless of the change...I feel as if I still managed my food really well yesterday.

Breakfast
Bowl of cold cereal (measured)
FF milk (basically enough to wet my cereal...as I am not a milk fan)

Lunch
Turkey sandwich (with lots of lettuce, onions and tomatoes)
Green Beans
Applesauce
Diet coke (yeah, I splurged...this is a splurge for me now)

Dinner
Roasted potatoes
green beans (a staple in my life)
cooked carrots
apple slices
cottage cheese with a dollop of homemade apple butter on top

Snack:
Scoop of fat free frozen yogurt

Water Consumption:
roughly 60-64 ounces (My water jug was not quite empty)

So I feel as if I did really well. The kicker....I was all excited yesterday because my weight was 201.2 on Saturday and yesterday it was back to 200.8......well today it's back to 201.2. Go figure.

I wish it would have gone down...but I'm not upset. I did exactly what I wanted to do this weekend. I managed my eating. I didn't go hog wild. ANd consequentially, I'm not starting my 'week' at the same place that i started the beginning of last week. Even at my 'higher weight' today, I'm still down more than 2 pounds from last week! So all in all it's a success! Now to keep adding to that success!

I'm planning on going to a weight watcher meeting tonight. Planning. I've got to check to make sure that they haven't cancelled that meeting or moved the time. (it happens). I'm kinda dreading it...becuase that means that I have to face the truth and show ANOTHER gain! Yes, even though I've done good in the last week, I haven't been to a meeting since early to mid January. And I'll have to show a gain at tonights meeting. The only good thing......I'll show a gain tonight and then I can work to not show a gain again! But as much as I dread it...I know that I just need to do it!


*****Update- glad I checked, they moved the Monday night meeting time. Not by much but enough that it would still work, but would just be more iffy for me to get there from week to week. SOOOOO my new plan. Thursday evening....and if that doesn't work with my schedule, then I can also make a Friday morning meeting. Each of those meetings are led by the same leader...which also happens to be the leader that I actually was under when I originally reached my goal. :-)

Weekend War!

Yes, my weekend war is here. I'm trying my hardest to combat this weekend gain that happens!

I thought I did really good with my eating yesterday. HOWEVER, we did have Taco's for dinner...which is a bit high in sodium, not to mention a meal that I can easily lose control when we eat. I had a big plate of lettuce and onions...topped with a bit of taco meat, two crumbled shells, some fat free cheese and taco sauce. I was satisfied...I felt like I had tacos..because I had the taste. :-)

On the scales...well, I didn't recoup my whole weird jump from yesterday (remember on Thursday I was 202.4, Friday I was 200.0 and Saturday I was back up to 201.2) But I did weigh in at 200.8. Which is almost 1 1/2 pound down! So I recouped MOST of that gain! I"m tickled...and on a weekend!

Today may be difficult...we are thinking about going out for Spanish for lunch. I've planned a nice seafood meal for dinner...which may sound crazy to some .....but I don't eat Seafood...so while my husband eats his seafood, I'll be eating the veggies! So that will help manage my food intake for the day!

Ramblings from a hopefully sane mind

I was really shocked at my weight this morning. I woke up thirsty....which is not a good sign for my weight. AND, at the risk of giving too much information, my plumbing was not up to it's normal routine this morning.....so that can skew my weight. But, I faced the scales regardless. Yesterday I was 202. TODAY I was 200! WHAT???? Two pounds in one day....followed by my 1 1/2 pounds the day before. I've literally lost 3.5 pounds in two days???? What in the world. All I can say is that I must have been retaining some MAD MAD water!

Todd and I had our 'main meal' of the day this morning, as our schedules are totally opposing today. I've brought a healthy lunch. That will leave me roughly 8 points for dinner. As long as I can eat wisely tonight and not go on some wild 'gobble every morsel of food I see' rampage, I'll be OK.

I didn't exercise last night. I left here and I was so utterly cold. I just couldn't get warm and I was just achy and tired. SO I laid on the couch and did nothing but read a book. (Yeah, I should have swept and mopped the kitchen...but oh well...there is always tonight). I'm determined that tonight I exercise. No skipping more than 1 day of exercise! Thus far I'm not feeling that achy, icky cold to the bones feel...so hopefully I'll be able to!

My foot still hurts, but not even enough to cause a limp...just more of an achy feel. That's good. But I'm still trying to take it easy....low impact. (what a co-inky-dink...I just happen to have a bike ride that I need to be training for......low impact!)

I'm gearing up to head into the weekend. A weekend of opportunity. Opportunity for me to continue on this healthy path that i have started (again) this week. An opportunity to feel the immense pride and satisfaction of making wise healthy choices. The opportunity to beat my addictions, knowing that every time I beat my addictions it empowers me to win the next round also. Success truly does build upon itself! (Plus, being on the cusp of being back in the 100's is a REALLY big deal! I would so love to get there!!! And on a weekend...how great would that be???)

Hanging on for dear life

I'm holding steady. The weight is dropping ~again~. I'm gearing up to be healthy this weekend and not lose control!

Had a bit of a panic yesterday. Todd and I got outside and walked in the snow (not deep snow...snow in the air) for about an hour. Then we went home and played Dance Dance Revolution. I was 'dancing', (I prefer to think of it more as hopping...because a dancer I am not) and came down on my foot wrong. I heard a pop and felt pain as I fell to the sofa that was nearby. I don't know what popped.....the pain did ease a bit....and stubborn girl that I am, I played DDR for another 20 minutes or so. (only because the pain eased almost all the way). BUT, today my foot hurts. Hmmm...not cool. Wonder what that popping noise was. OH well...I'll have to continue to ponder that...I'm not going to the doctor since the pain isn't that bad...it's more annoying! (no health insurance.....I don't go unless it's a last resort!) And yep, I still managed to get some time on the exercise bike into my day yesterday!

Which brings me to my thought of the day. Why in the world is it so hard to regain control after you've lost it. I mean I lost it back in OCTOBER! And I haven't really gotten a good grasp. I've had a few days here and there where I think I've got it under control again..but then BOOM...it slips from my grasp! I can do this though. I've DONE it...so I know that I can do it again!

Well, it's official. I am registered for my bike ride! Now to train for it! Have I said that I don't like exercise......so I'm kinda dreading training...but really excited about it at the same time...does that make sense? Could this be the exercise loving breakthrough for me???

Thinking about trying a spinning class at the gym. I've always been intrigued with them...but I've never tried one. This would be perfect with my training and stuff. My 'excuse' right now....we are planning on giving up our gym membership this summer when our contract at this gym is up (we switched gyms last summer....it was a one year contract). My excuse is "what if I love it and then have to give it up when we leave the gym" . Yeah, flimsy excuse....I'm almost ashamed to write it out...but hey, it is what it is!

I woke up this morning and looked at the thermometer...I was tickled 42 degrees. Woo hooo....with temps like that, it would be a wonderful day to ride (I get off of work at 3PM today). By the time I left for work (1 hour after my first glance at the thermometer) it had dropped to 40 degrees. It has dropped some more...it's spitting snow (ohhh wow...it was spitting snow now..icky). I know that a die hard biker would be out in it...but I'm just not to that stage (haa haa haa...I don't know if I'll ever be to that stage). Oh well...exercise bike here I come....or maybe the gym!

Spring where are you?????

Training advice

I'm not going to talk about the weight. This cycle of being good during the week and then just losing control over the weekend has GOT to stop (can I place some blame on the fact that it was a long weekend...which hurt???).

I'm getting ready to swing into full gear training for my 25 mile bike ride which is in mid April. I called my brother last night and talked to him. He back in the mid to late eighties got into bike riding and has been an avid rider since then. He's done some racing and lots of long distance events. I'll share a little story from back in the 80's...a MaryFran bicycles story! My brother was riding long distances in preparation for a long distance ride that he was planning on doing. I was at that point packing on the pounds without a care in the world. BUT, one day he convinced me to head out on a bike ride with him. I had a somewhat new bike, that I had barely used...so this was a wonderful opportunity. Off we went. We were living in Florida at the time, and we left our little subdivision (Rolling Acres) and headed across the highway to Hill-n-dale another subdivision. We rolled up and down those roads, enjoying the breeze and the wonderful feeling of biking. Well, he enjoyed those things. I was getting tired! We kept going. On and one. Up and down those stupid roads. He was just whizzing along while I lagged behind. He rolled his way up a street with an incline (I'll admit it was not a very big incline) and I just had had enough. I was still trying to pedal and propel that stupid bike up that road, but it's just really hard to stay upright when you are going so slow. I wiped out! (My brother was at the top of the hill waiting for me and he looked back and said that I even fell in slow motion.) Mangled my elbow and knees up something fierce. The injury gave me some kind of adrenaline rush to get myself home (I actually booked it...I was ahead of him). And that was the last time I rode a bike until 2001!

So when I talked to my brother and got advice, he was very helpful but he couldn't resist making a comment when i told him that for my first ride out that my average speed was only 8 miles an hour......he of course said, "how did you stay upright?"

Anyway.....his words of advice:
When I told him that I was riding a 25 mile event and asked for his advice his first two things he said were 'get out there each week and ride, adding more each week to your rides' and 'About two weeks before the ride you want to be used to at least 18 miles'

As we talked longer we had a large discussion about the actual muscle that propels your bike. He said that you can propel your bike by one of two muscles. The heart, or your actual leg muscles. He said to propel your bike with your heart is to spin at a higher RPM...get used to pushing the pedal around more times per minute. You are still propelling your bike, but you are exerting yourself through cardio and not straight up muscles in your legs. This propels your bike via cardio. The other muscle is your actual leg muscles. This is the muscle that propels you up a hill....and or that you use when you push a higher gear, your legs are not going around as many times, but you are having to exert more force via your muscles.

He said it's most efficient to use the higher RPM or your cardio/heart to propel your bike most of the time...because then when you hit a hill you can then use your muscles which are not already worn out for that burst to get you up the hill. The other effect use that come into play is that when you are biking with via the cardio/high RPM route when you feel that you need a breather, you can pop into a higher gear and use those leg muscles to propel you. When you pop into a higher gear, your leg muscles have to push more...but they don't have to complete as many rpm's per minute, thus your heart is getting a bit of a break while your legs do the work. But then when your heart has it's break switch back to a lower gear in order to save those leg muscles and use your heart (which is a much stronger muscle) He said it's a game between the two muscles....choosing the best one to propel you at all times. Does that make sense?????? He did say that learning the difference and actually being able to use it takes time to learn (he's been doing this for years.....he was talking about one of his 200 mile rides that he does each year.....he started in '91 and has done it every year since....along with other rides). He also said that for our 25 mile ride, that this won't come into as much play...it's only if we continue to train for longer rides (which I plan to do).

OK...other nuggets of information that he passed along.

1. Bicycling distance is all mental. He said that to bike distance you have to get in the frame of mind that 'yes, it's going to hurt sometimes' but that you are just going to push through it to come out on the other side and know that the elation on the other side is pretty amazing! You push through the pain. (My mantra during exercise when I think about how I'm feeling is that "pain is only temporary"
2. Don't worry about speed so much for this 25 mile ride. He states that for my first year of serious riding that I will probably average about 10-12 miles per hour and that would be good for me.
3. So therefore, for longer distances the speed is more of a long term comfort thing.
4. He advised me that we should not worry about staying with the 'group leader' for this ride. We can start out with them, but take our cue sheets and be prepared to take this ride at our own pace and not worry about the others. :-)
5. Miles, miles, miles. The more miles we have on our legs, the better prepared we will be. I plan on doing longer rides, that is when I need to focus on getting my speed to a higher level. Not because it can't be done, but if you are doing a straight 100 mile ride (not metric...because that is only 60-some miles) if you are only going 10-12 miles an hour average, you will be on that bike for 9-10 hours.
6. No matter what I feel.....KEEP GOING! Stopping will only make it worse when I get back on the bike. Keep my feet on the pedal!

Turkey Burgers!

February 15, 2009 (168 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ohhh so yummy! :-)

Not too much to write about. Just a relaxing weekend. I indulged a bit on Valentines day. But no worries.

I'm floored. I don't eat at fast food much. But back in December we stopped (to use the bathroom) at a Burger King. I ordered a medium drink while there (diet drink of course) and they mentioned that it was the new sizing. Yeah, it was pretty big. I pushed it out of my mind....today we stopped at Wendy's to pick up a drink for Todd. I went ahead and got a medium diet for me. Ohhh my word...they upped their sizes also (I'm not surprised, if one has upped their size it's reasonably positive that they all have). I drank about 1/2 of it . Before I threw the cup away, I decided to see how many ounces......32 ounces in a MEDIUM! How the heck big is the large...not to mention the supersize/king size/biggie????? That is mind boggling!! Add that to the fact that most people do NOT fill their cups with ice tea or diet sodas. And we wonder why america is obese and growing larger each day?????????

When we sat down to eat dinner, I still had about 1/2 of my diet soda left. I started my meal with that as my drink. I realized that it totally altered how my food tasted. I didn't like it. Yeah, I used to ONLY drink soda with my meals. BUt I've actually grown to prefer water...it enhances the meal experience...because it forces one to focus on the taste of the meal instead of muddying the waters with the taste of soda. (Yeah, there are still meals out there that I feel NEEDS to have a soda or other drink...but they are becoming more rare). This is amazing to me..the girl that used to hate water!

The scales showed me down a bit....so I'm good. :-)

Actually I'm better than good. I'm surprised! Yesterday at work I continued to resist that red velvet cake. Ohhh it smelled sooo darn good. And let me tell you, I smelled it ALL freakin' day. My co0workers at cake for breakfast....and cake for lunch! I didn't have any! But that is why I'm not surprised that my weight was good. Last night we went out with some friends to a spanish restaurant. Ohhh my word. I got the loma saltado (yeah yeah yeah...I don't eat much beef...and this is a beef meal...but ohhhh was it ever good..with lots of veggies)...which is served with black beans and rice. For an appetizer we got some Papusa....extra yummy. This is a Spanish restaurant...but they do have some tex mex stuff on the menu. So of course they put the chips and salsa dip stuff on the table at the onset of the meal. I won't lie...I had a few chips. Probably no more than 5. (huge huge victory). Our friends are regulars at the restaurant...so the waitress brought out a piece of milk infused cake for us to split as a comp. I ate ONE bite and that was it! Everyone else got drinks....I stuck with water. I think I did pretty good.

I'm excited....I'm going to be swinging into training for my bike event and I'm determined that I'm doing to drop these icky pounds while doing it!

Scales were acting funny again this morning (they woudln't weigh me...just gave me an err message). So I showered and got ready for work. While I was packing my lunch for work I remembered that I had actually had a battery (one of those button style ones) that I had purchased for my pedometer...but the pedometer was broke so I never used it. Could I be that lucky? Could it be the same size battery? I knelt before that scale.....pried open the back...and Voila! Yes, it was the same battery! So I can get back to weighing myself every day!

Mizfit, wrote a great post. Really hit home as I've recently realized that I needed to stop allowing situations in my life dictate how I live. Check it out...I couldn't have said it better!

Moist, rich and creamy cake...ohh so good

I walked up to that box containing the cake. I was bold as brass. I looked into the box that held the cut cake. Ohhh the cake looked moist. THe icing just begged to be eaten. The little hearts that adorned the outside of the cake just begged to be tested by my taste buds. I leaned down and breathed in the heavenly aroma of that cake. In inhaled deeply, taking the scent in and savoring it. I watched my co-workers as their faces showed the rapture as they ate this unexpected treat.

And I stood there and calmly ate my fresh pinepple chunks that I had packed for my lunch. I know this sounds weird, but I instinctively knew that I had to look that cake 'in the eye' and I had to smell that cake and I had to come up close and personal to that cake...and I had to win.

There is a sense of pride...empowerment if you will in what I accomplished today.

ON the same note...my husband and I went out on the canal and walked for an hour this afternoon. At least 3 or 4 times while we were hiking he asked me if we were going to stop at Nutters (our local ice cream shop) on the way home. What do you think I answered??????
Nope, we did not stop.

Red Velvet Cake

Quick...I have to get this down in 'writing'. I will not eat valentines day red velvet cake!

Here I am at work today and one of our customers brought in a valentines day treat for us. Red velvet cake. It looks soooo good. I know the customer (from my childhood actually) so I can't talk myslef out of the it because I don't know how clean this lady is. She is quite clean...and her food is excellent.

I'm not going to do it!

If I can make it through today, I should be ok...I only want it when it's really fresh. When the cake is moist. Once it's been cut, it starts to dry out...I'm no longer tempted. Make it through today...make it through today....make it through today!

Ohhh the scales were NOT at all kind to me this morning.

Yesterday was not the greatest for me in terms of my intake of food. It definitely could have been worse. However, I ate...and I didn't get all of my fruit/veggie servings in. That is not good and my water intake was not where it should have been.

Redoubling my effforts today. Drink drink drink! I got up and rode the exercise bike this morning before coming to work. Actually i was a busy beaver this morning. I folded some laundry....did a load of laundry and hung it up. (I'm trying to hang as much of my laundry up as possible to save money...electric bill was sky high since they just doubled what it costs!). I did the dishes, made the bed, straightened the house, packed my lunch and my husbands lunch, showered, stopped by the post office and I was STILL at work by 9:30 AM.

Hopefully tonight when I go home I will have some new exercise equipment at our house. That would make me really excited! :-)

Lock the door on your way out, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Explored some ruins. (the Door with a lock on it made us laugh!...considering there was really not much wall anywhere else in the building!)

Dam five, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Saw some sights! (dam 5 on the C&O canal)

cliffs and river, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yep all on our walk today!

February 8, 2009

February 8, 2009 (161 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotleI

I got out there and took advantage of this wonderfully wam February weather and got my first ride of the year in. Admittedly, the first ride of the year is almost always hellacious. There is just something different about riding on the road versus on an exercise bike. BUt regardless I got out there and did it. The worst part about my ride. About half way through as I trucked up and down the gently rolling hills through open fields....the wind started to pick up. It was just ripping across those fields. It was a chore to stay upright on the bike. But I perservered. Ahhh good times!

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I drank my water....and I stayed within my points....well almost. Right as I was heading for bed I grabbed a handful of chex mix. NOOOO I have no clue what possessed me to make it (I did that on Thursday). One handful and I went to bed. So that handful was 1-2 points. Which made me 1-2 points over for the day. Not bad....I was aiming for perfect...but I'll settle for pretty darn close.

The scales this morning........ (yesterday was actually 202.2...not 202.6 as I reported.....) 200.6!!!!! Wooo hoooo!! I know a lot of that was water...but i'll take it! I want to be back in onederland soooo badly!

Visualize

When I was losing lots of my weight I had little 'scenarios' that i would play out in my head. Scenes where I would be my thin svelte new self. OK, maybe not svelte...but definitely thinner than when I started. The scenarios changed...but they were all the basic same and centered around one or two concepts. I played them over and over again in my mind. They were what my mind focused on when I was resisting the temptation to eat and binge. I hit rewind and watched them over and over again in my mind during the hours in the gym or on the bike, or in front of the TV while I worked along with an exercise video. They kept me going.

Late last week it came to me that those scenarios actually were played out in real life this past summer. I was happy with the real life results...but I lost my visualizing technique. I mean, it doesn't spur you onward to resist temptation or to exercise harder to visualize yourself in a situation once it has already played out! I mean, it may work once or twice, but after that....well it just doesn't cut it.

Soooo...I have my new visualizing scenario to think about. Next year will be my 20 year high school reunion. Yep, I graduated from high school in 1990. AND since I took a year off between high school and college (it was a great year of being a bum....OK, I wasn't a total bum, I worked as a nanny) I graduated from college in 1995...which puts next year at my 15 year for college. Well...I haven't seen any of my friends from high school since graduation. I talk to some via email...but the last time they saw me I was a size 20.....pushing 22. Hmmmmm. Isn't it also ironic that I've set a reward of a trip to the place of my choice for my big goal...the biggie...the "I'm the lowest I want to be...I've reached it....in my head that's 150...but the doctor said that 160 would probably be my lowest...so whichever). I was thinking about the Caribbean...but then I switched it to a week at Disney World, because I hadn't been there since we lived in FL.....19 years ago. Sooooo wow, I can combine my reward trip with a reunion....and I can visualize seeing people from high school looking hot and svelte! (or as near as I can get with this body that I abused for so long). (the college reunion will be in Indiana...so if I go to that it will be a visit with my brother and his family).


Meanwhile.......I got brave and stepped onto the scales this morning. I was quite nervous. I mean, I ate horribly over the weekend! The last time I weighed I was already over the 200 pound mark (201.6) so I was just sure that it was going to be horrid! I gained one pound. I'm now 202.6. I'm disgusted by that....but yet elated that the damage was not worse. To be honest, I was thinking that I was going to see 208 or 210.

So far so good today. I have resisted ordering subs with my co-workers. One gal brought in some kind of apple turnover/tart thingy. They look scrumptious! I have resisted! I'm visualizing!

Helpless

I feel helpless. Helpless to stop this eating cycle. Helpless to stop the weight from coming back on to my body. Just plain helpless.

Intrinsically I know that it is not helpless. I've done this. I've been through the wonderful months and years of losing. I know what needs to be done. I know how to do it! But it's like my brain knowing and my body doing are two different things. Sitting at the dinner table last night, I finished up my dinner and I was already thinking...."woah, I've had a little too much to eat today....this is the end. Nothing more tonight." But even as I was thinking that, different words poured out of my mouth. The words that I actually emitted? "Dessert?" And I proceeded to concoct a little dessert for Todd and I. 5 extra points on top of a less than stellar eating day. It's like there are two different people warring for control within in me.

I've had the months (actually years) of eating healthy and feeling on top of the world....king of the mountain...like nothing could knock me from where I stood. I was strong and I was going to beat this fat at it's own game. And I was doing a fair job of it.

But now...years into this healthy lifestyle and I've hit some kind of wall. The ends are not matching. I want so badly to finish this journey and reach my ultimate goal. (not the goal that I first set for myself......I already reached that...but the 'real' weight goal that the BMI index sets for us). Yet I feel helpless.

I'm not giving up. I just feel helpless. But, even helpless...I've got my plan for the day set up and I'll do my best to adhere to that plan (staying within my allotment of points). In my mind I'm determined to maintain that plan and hold strong. Maybe today will be the day that I'm not helpless to beat that 'naughty eating' side of me!

Reporting in!

Got home from work yesterday and todd's first words (ok, maybe not his first words) were 'Lets go to the gym." Now I just felt blah and lackluster. But i went. Afterall...it's a good thing. Ohhh my...it was NOT a good workout. I couldn't get myself moving. I felt like I was dragging. It was not good. But I pushed through 60 minutes of exercise.

This morning I awoke and saw about an inch of fresh snow. I made todd's coffee and made us a healthy breakfast and off we went. We walked on the battlefield for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Nice activity....especially since I was planning today off from formal exercise!

Why am I taking a day off? Well, at first I thought that the pain in my arm was due to my expending and using muscles harder than I usually do. But I'm starting to wonder now. The other arm is no longer sore while my left arm seems to be getting worse! It's up near my shoulder....it aches just sitting here at my desk at work, not to mention moving it! It hurts if I lay on my left side, with that arm under me. So I'm thinking this is not a sore muscle thing. But, without health insurance...well I'll be praying for it to heal!

Bad foods in the house???? Gone! They have been thrown away, dumped down the drain and eradicated!

Now it's just back to healthy eating and trying to get myself back on track and losing!

Nope, I haven't been brave enough to face the scales!

Being totally open and honest here.....

Saturday...I spent the day in the kitchen getting food ready for Sunday. We were having a work party (painting, cleaning, repairs, moving some stuff...etc etc tec) on Sunday at the studio (friends, interns and people that have bartered their manual labor for studio time)....I was feeding this army of workers.....I cooked and baked all day on Saturday.....testing and tasting each creation. I was literally sick by the end of the Saturday.

Sunday rolls around. Yes, I worked hard all day.....I ate not 'too bad' at the work party. If you don't count the cookies and chips...AND the regular soda that I was downing!!!! Of course then the work party ended, I went home, cleaned up and we segued into the superbowl festivities! More food! I did at least switch to diet soda at that point.

I don't even want to know what I weigh right now! I'm gathering the reigns though and I'm determined to not let my weekend antics slide into a weeklong spiral out of control. I'm back in control today. I'm sitting here at work and I've already decided that the rest of the regular soda (non-diet) that is in the fridge is going down the drain. I also have a fair amount of macaroni salad left. I love macaroni salad.....Todd doesn't. (he has potato salad left over). Tonight for dinner macaroni salad will be my side dish........and the rest is going into the garbage. I don't need that temptation. Late last night Todd did have the foresight to crunch up the chips and throw them away...so they are gone. Now it's just the other stuff....and I vow that by the time I go to bed tonight....it will all be gone. (most will be gone shortly after I get home from work). I did pack a healthy lunch. Last night I had dished up some of that macaroni salad into a small container for lunch. When I was actually packing my lunch, I left that container in the fridge....and only brought the healthy fruits and veggies!

I can do this!

Why I eat and do what I do

You know....for months, years in fact, I've been trying to figure out what causes me to eat. Do I eat when triggered by stress? Do I eat when I'm bored? Do I eat when I'm sad? Do I eat when I'm happy? Am I eating because of some childhood trauma or emotional upset? WHY WHY WHY???? I can never pin point any one indicator. Sometimes when I'm bored I eat. When I'm stressed and worried about something I will overeat, not because I'm eating to take away the stress....I overeat because I forget that I'm eating. I lose track of my eating. I'm mindlessly eating. Happy or sad really has no bearing on my eating. Yeah, I like to bake because it's a relaxing soothing happy thing for me to do...but that's the ACT of baking.....not the act of eating. My childhood is rather uneventful and quite happy. My memories from childhood are good ones. So I've pondered....and it always comes back to one thing. I like food. Plain and simple. Food tastes good!

Last night I realized something that I've been skirting with for quite a while. I've even written about it throughout this journal. I realized that there is no reason other than that I like food. Yesterday I tried a new crock pot dish. On paper it sounded delightful....in execution....well it was edible. Todd and I ate the meal, but I can guarantee you that this dish will never again grace our table. As I was eating my meal, my thoughts were rolling, and here they are; "maybe after Todd leaves I can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I just love PB&J's", "Ice cream....I have some ice cream bars in the freezer....they sound so yummy". My mind roamed the kitchen cabinets while I was eating my lackluster dinner and pondered what delicious food I could eat later. And that is when I realized that even while I was eating (lackluster as it may be) I was disappointed because it didn't taste as yummy as I had dreamt it would be...and my mind was looking for something that was yummy.

Now on it's own this is not that much...but a few weeks ago I wrote an entry in which I described a meal where I sat down and had the opposite thing happen. The meal was really good.....I knew it from the first bite and by the second bite I was dreaming about eating a huge second helping....all because it was sooo delicious!

In the midst of these thoughts and discoveries a friend sent me a link to an article about overeating and how some people just have the tendency to see food and just want it. I concurred with it here and here. All of these revelations and self discoveries have been in the last few weeks. So I'm going to stop trying to figure out the why's and the what's? It is simply a love affair with food that I have. I want good food! When it's bad, I dream of good food...and when it's good, I want more! I'm not going to waste any more time in self pondering to decipher if I'm eating to drown out some unknown repressed traumatic memory, or if I'm eating because of this or that. It's not worth my time. I'm fine.....I just like food.

*********
Thought of the day.......How come the weight comes on so quickly (most recently 2 pounds in one day) but doesn't leave as rapidly (I'm losing about .2 pounds each day for the last two days). That makes no sense at all to me???? And no...on that 2 pound day I did NOT eat like a banshee!!! I was only 3 or 4 points over my daily allotment! (which should be OK as we have those flex points...although darn my body...I can't eat those flex points)

*********

In other news....last night I ended up with a migraine. I usually don't get migraines....but last night was my 'lucky' night. This morning I'm up and functioning....but my head just still isn't quite right. Hopefully it will be better before I go home.....day three of the 30 day shred awaits me!

****

Desi the cat continues to improve. :-)

A little exercise

I was all cocky yesterday. i was going to start Jillian Michael's 30 day shred program. I was cocky because, "ohh yeah, I exercise, this should be a piece of cake". I turned it on. Hmmm...level 1, level 2 and level 3. Well, I can probably do level 2 or 3...but I decided to start on level 1...and then move up. OHHH MYYYY WORD! Sore sore sore! Today was day two...and I can feel it! Ohhh boy can I feel it. Admittedly, I do very little strength training so it's kicking my butt! Of course it probably doesn't help that I do that workout and then couple it up with another dvd. Yesterday I also did Cardio Max. Today i coupled it with Cardio Kickboxing. YIKERS! I am going to try to ride the exercise bike when I get home tonight also. :-)

My eating is planned out for the day. AND I did leave a little extra pointage for a snack this evening (todd will be at the studio and I'll be home alone.....a bad thing indeed)

My husband is STILL laughing at the fact that I am a fan of the locally owned donut shop! He just doesn't understand it. Oh well....it makes me smile! :-)

My baby boy is injured.....yes, my cat is hurt. He somehow hurt his back leg/hip the other day. It's terrible to see....and very worrisome for the human mommy! He is slowly improving. Meanwhile the other cats keep parading in front of him. I"m not sure if they are in awe of the normal bully laid up...so they are viewing the oddity....or if they are trying to comfort him....or if they are rubbing it in that they can walk and run and he can't!

Donuts!

Last night I was lounging around playing on the laptop while my husband played a video game. I was nosing around on Facebook, looking for old friends. All of a sudden I saw something that made me super excited. On the left of my screen was the option to become a fan of Krumpe's Donuts! Ohhhh my word. Krumpe's is something that was always synonymous with Hagerstown while growing up. We would come back to visit family (when we no longer lived in the area) and we would have a short list of places to go to and things to do. One of them was Krumpe's Donuts! They are a little locally owned shop (located in an alley) in Hagerstown. They open up sometime in the later part of the evening (8 maybe) and they sell their donuts hot out of the fryers. (You can also get them at some local stores in the H-town area). There is nothing better than a not donut straight from the fryer.

I haven't had a krumpe donut in AGES! It would have to be probably more than 3 years. Definitely not since I got serious about losing weight!

As I exulted about the fact that I was a fan of krumpe's donuts my husband just looked over at me with a confused look on his face. He asked why I was so excited, we don't get them anymore....it's a thing of the past. And it made me start to think. Deep down, the past is still there. Ohhh I can say I'm a changed girl. But deep down, those old tendencies are still deeply embedded.

So am I still a fan of Krumpe's Donuts on facebook? Absolutely! (and if I can be a fan of some of the other locally owned food places that hold special memories for me, I'll join them also) Is it going to make me run out to get a donut? Absolutely NOT! I'm going to keep it there as a memory.....and honestly a testament to the 300+ pound girl that I used to be. (OK, and I like to support locally owned businesses.....)

*******
Yesterday I was able to stay away from mindless eating (binging) in the evening. Tonight will be the real test as my husband will be at the studio from about 6:30 until 11 or 12. I'll be home by myself......and ohhh it's so much easier to binge eat when no-one is there to catch you!

Enough is enough!

I haven't weighed myself in a couple days. I probably shouldn't have weighed myself today in the midst of the raging TOM...but I did. 200.6 That's about 2 pounds up from the other day...YIKES!



It is just a matter of getting my eating in line and STOPPING the mindless binging and eating! When my points are gone, I'm done...plain and simple!



Exercise, on the other hand is going splendidly!

A day slightly off track

Yesterday, I went with my parents to Johnstown, PA for the day. Dad was preaching (filling in for a preacher that was out of town) at a church there. (I would recommend this church to anyone...quite impressed! You want to know which one....just ask!) Anyway, I rode along with them. You see, we used to live in Johnstown about 25-30 years ago and while I've been back here and there throughout the years (the most recent time about 10 years ago), it was fun to go back. It was a day of reminiscing with my parents. We would drive by one place and that would spark a memory or a story or just laughter and love. Unfortunately, my husband was not able to go with use (he's been wanting to go to see it, as it has come up in our conversations over the years) but he was at the business (a recording studio) working on the water issues (he thinks he may have it fixed....he's running up to town to buy a part that SHOULD put an end to the water woes!). Anyway, I digress. I woke up well before dawn, got dressed and headed to my parents house. We hopped in their car and we were off. It is a two hour trip from my parents (and I live about a half hour from them). SOOOOO I was in the car pretty much all day as we drove there, drove all around town and drove home. (OK, I wasn't in the car during church or when we would stop somewhere).

Soooo I ate out all day........no real exercise......water consumption non-existent. But I still had a fun filled day! Well worth a momentary blip on the weight loss radar.

A few things hit me. When we moved from Johnstown I was about 12. I was still considered petite and dainty. It wasn't until the year following our move that i really started to pack on the pounds and 'balloon' up. Yet, as I remembered bits and pieces from my childhood I realized how many memories were tied to food. Not everything...but as I got older, the memories somehow became linked with a food, or an eating experience, or whatnot! While I had no problems with my weight at that point, I was starting to build and develop in the direction of someone that would eventually have a serious problem with a food addiction. On that same note, I also realized exactly how active I was as a child. I looked at hills that I ran up and down.....places I rode to on my bike, etc etc etc. The activity kept me from being an overweight child! (which makes sense...because when we moved to FL, that level of activity fell away and I packed on the pounds.)

The other thing that hit me rather hard. We stopped at the local hospital while in Johnstown to visit a friend of my parents. She had a stroke about a week ago. It has wiped clean her memories. Long term AND short term. Her husband said that she had struggled with some problems that are precursors to a stroke.....high blood pressure, diabetes, etc etc etc . BUT, she was on medications to control them....and the meds had seemed to be doing the trick. He also went on to say that the doctors were basically telling him it was a waiting game until another stroke hit her. Now, I don't know if you picked up on the precursors.......high blood pressure, diabetes, all weight related illnesses for the most part. (Yes, there are some people that have these issues without the weight...but many people have it because of weight, diet and lifestyle...and yes, she was overweight) I really got serious about this journey a few years ago because I saw my mother struggling to get those same issues under control and I knew that if I didn't change something, I would be the same way! I can't do anything for my mother. As much as I want to and as much as I worry about her, this is something that she has to do for herself. But I CAN change myself! So yesterday seeing it right there in my face really hit home! I can sit on the fence and not finish this change that I started or I can continue on. If I do not continue...where will it lead me.

I can tell you where it will lead.......not continuing will lead me to a hospital room like I visited yesterday. It will lead to my eventual death. A death that will come about sooner and with many more health issues if I don't take care of myself.

self loathing

Well, I'm torn between laughter and utter despair. I just can't seem to get it together. I do think that last night was a bit of stress eating. I'm stressed about some things right now. (One of the major issues....we are having a problem with water at the studio....as in it's not working. Uhhh this is NOT good.) But then I also had the issue of I had the idea of some foods in my head, and I just didn't relax until I had eaten those foods!

Let me explain. On the way home from work last night I was running through in my head what I could eat for dinner. I thought of a few things..they all sounded soooo good. But I eventually chose one! (but still lusted after the unpicked options). I ate, and settled down for the evening. My husband called from the studio and we talked a bit about the water issue. I ate a WW chocolate chip cookie. (1 point) He called again. I ate three wedges of laughing cow cheese and some low fat wheat thins. (5 points) He called again and we decided to run to town to grab a part that we thought would fix the problem. While I was waiting for him to pick me up I had two bowls of cold cereal. Notice I didn't say I had one serving...or two servings. I had two BOWLS of cereal! (who knows how many points!) Now here is the part of the issue....these foods were all on the list of options for me to eat for dinner that I had discarded when I made my choice. But they weren't really discarded from my head! Plus I do believe some of it was stress.

So after I ate, I sat in the car filled with self loathing and disgust because I KNOW better! Later I actually started laughing (for a hot second) because for a binge, at least I didn't go straight for the donuts, or the regular cookies, or ice cream. I still ate somewhat healthy.

I'm sitting here with a blank screen in front of me, wondering what to write about today. Most days when I log on to write, I have in my head something to write about...something that is just crying to get out of my head. Today, I've got a whole bunch just swirling around. Lots of fragments but nothing to really put down into one cohesive paragraph.



I guess I can start by saying that looking at my frustration objectively, it's a good thing. If I binged and didn't care it would mean that I am not at all bothered by the end result and reaching my goals any longer. So I guess my frustration and disgust in myself is a good thing because it shows me that deep down, I really do want to continue on and persevere to reach my goal.



A friend (thanks Lynn) recently bought and read the book DietGirl. She sent it to me. I started reading it this morning. I'm very early into my reading and there are aspects that I can not identify with at all such as, her mother and others contributing to her negative self image at a very young age. A self image that the author perpetuated into real life. BUT, the emotions and experiences of being a very large girl. The feelings as she started to lose weight. The guarded optimism. Those I readily identify with. Maybe this book will be good for me, if only to really remind me from whence I have come!



Sitting this morning eating breakfast with my husband, I got to thinking about something. I made pancakes, turkey bacon and we had strawberries with it. I actually made LESS pancake batter (thus pancakes) then I normally have in the past. My husband usually gets halfway or 3/4 of the way through and pushes his plate away...."I'm stuff" he says. Me, I lick my plate clean. So I got to thinking while eating this morning. I made less food...would he still push away his plate and claim that he was 'full'. I already cut the portion size down. In comparison to what he normally eats, the reduced portion should have been perfect (if not a bit small). Sure enough, with pancake still left on his plate he was done! Now this is not a once in a blue moon occurance. He almost always leaves something on his plate. Not always ...but almost always. Is he doing this as a way of mastering his desires to overeat. Basically by leaving food is he mocking his overeating tendencies???? Or does he really feel full and stop??

Me, they say that in time you will be able to listen to your body and it will tell you when you are full. I've listened. I've listened now for YEARS and I can't hear! I've done some research and there are researchers/doctors out there that say that some people are lacking the genes, and thereby the propor hormones that tell the mind/body when it is full. Reading about this, I do fit in the category! I've looked into this idea, about a year ago. I wrote about it here and here.


Today a friend sent me a link to a article. This also fits me to a tee! I see food and I respond. It could be that I just ate and I'm cleaning up from dinner.....I see the bread and I want it!



Which is it??? Do they all go hand in hand? Knowing isn't going to solve my problems...but mabye undersanding would make it easier!

Municipal Electric Light Plant

January 21, 2009 (143 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Got to tour this old abandoned building today. Really really cool!

Sunnen

Sunnen, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Valves

Valves, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

control panel at abandoned power plant

IMG_3735, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

can you say frustration?

It's hard not to be frustrated! Frustrated at the lack of progress on the scales. Frustrated at the small gain I saw on the scales this morning. Frustrated at my motivation. Frustrated at my efforts!

Yes, I'm frustrated. I guess for the most part I'm frustrated at myself. I'm frustrated because I'm fiddling away my chance to lose weight (on a daily basis...definitely not in the grand scheme of things...that opportunity will never be lost). Yesterday I was doing fairly well. I had breakfast...right on target with what I had set for the day. We left the house and I hit up the gym. All was going well! After the gym, Todd and I stopped off and got a sandwich and spilt a side of potato salad. Still not toooo bad. I had planned for it and I was OK. I was a bit upset with myself because I wanted to take some grapes and a Clementine to eat with my lunch, but I had forgotten it. No problem...still on track! We ran some errands (Walmart, Target, and the mall)....lots of walking. And mid afternoon we met up with a friend to tour and old power plant. That is where things started going awry. The friend that we were meeting got held up was late so we didn't get started there until a bit later than expected. It was VERY cool and well worth the wait! But as I said we got done there later. So we stopped off at Cracker Barrel on the way home for dinner. I was still doing Really well. I ordered veggie platter. So I was doing fine....yeah, their veggies have more fat on them, but it was better than the other options. Anyway, I was doing really good UNTIL the waitress set down that pesky biscuit and cornbread muffin in front of me. I immediately felt a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. Yes, I ate 'em. I ate them both! OK, all was not lost.....I was still probably within my points. It was OK. But then I got home. I was putting stuff away and noticed the container that was holding the homemade bread. Before I knew it I was having a slice of it. Followed by a devils food (healthy choice) cookie. Ohhh and if that wasn't enough, I had a snack bar! I ate those things less than 30 minutes after getting home from the restaurant!!! Why? Why do I do this to myself?

According to fit day, I still burned more calories than I ate. But my weight is still up. I was over in my weight watchers points. (Yes, I'm still keeping track of both counting systems for a bit...just to see where I am...and maybe figure out where I need to be).

The other day I finally admitted to myself.......yes, I am a binge eater! Someone mentioned it a few months back "ohhh so you binge eat" (it was the trainer at the gym). I was shocked and denied it till I was practically blue in the face. But I guess it's time to strip myself bare and admit it....I am a total binge eater!

Check it out!

If you don't already follow Merry Mary's blog, then I highly recommend that you read this post! It hit me right between the eyes. It's about sabatauging our weight loss efforts....and who is to blame!

reflections

Not doing too badly....not doing too good either. My eating, while not out of control has not been exactly where it should be. I ate WAY too many carbs yesterday. Yesterday started when I was organizing the spice cabinet. I saw some spices for dipping oil. Hmmmmm dipping oil. YUMMY. That sounds absolutely delightful! SOOOO I immediately, without second thought, started to whip up a batch of homemade bread. Well, the dinner that I had planned really wouldn't have worked the greatest with homemade bread (it was a casserole that had bread in it......) so I just switched up and threw some spagetti sauce together and had that simmering away on the stove. It was a scrumptious meal just a little bit too many carbs. :-)

Exercise and activity wise, I'm going strong!

Yesterday I once again sat back at the end of the day and really thought about how far I've come. Was a day, not to long ago that a day of activity would have caused me to drop in utter exhuastion. Yesterday I woke up and I was on the go from moment one until the evening. I did laundry, I moved stuff, I baked, I cooked, I cleaned, I shovelled snow, I assisted my husband as he worked on some plumbing at the studio (running up and down the stairs more than 20 times), I also formally exercised for 80 minutes. I was not dropping from exhaustion. It was a normal day. I reflected that at one point, shovelling snow for 10 minutes was enough to cause me to drop on the couch for a long 'much deserved' break. What a difference!

I also spent some time reflecting on my current weight. Yes, I know that I can get to 180 pounds....I was there....I maintained that for over a year. I REALLY want to get back there (180 is my doctor approved weight...so when I get to 180, I'm back to lifetime at weight watchers...I won't have to pay). But I'm not going to worry about it. I can't get all stressed out and upset about the fact that the scales are just not moving. I know that I'm living a healthy lifestyle right now and that is what is important!