Food addict

 It took me a long time to admit that I really was a food addict.  I didn't want to admit something like that.  I didn't want to admit that I have a problem and struggle to control myself.  How embarrassing!  But I eventually did admit it!  

I had a few moments where I was confused and concerned about the fact that my mind didn't seem to be hardwired like other people when it came to food.  But nothing clicked until the Hoss Cake Incident.  The Hoss cake incident is where I ate a tiny piece of cake and I heard the angels sing.  I was able to really realize that I got a bit of a euphoric high when I ate something that my mind deemed delicious.   I felt that high and I kept chasing after that high, trying to retain and recapture that feeling.   Food is my high and my source of euphoria!   

I have often talked about how a food addiction is hard to overcome.  I can't just stay away from my temptation.  I have to face my addiction each time I sit down for a meal.  Three meals a day I face my addiction.  Each time I put food into my mouth I wait for the angels to sing.  I wait for that high.  I don't know when it's going to hit or what food will cause that feeling.  But when that feeling comes, I want it.  It is so blissful and euphoric that I can't help myself.  I just want to continue shoveling the food into my mouth to keep that feeling.   

I can't just avoid the temptations.  I can hear those angels sing for any number of food. It might be a cheeseburger this week.  The angels might not sing for a few weeks and then I will eat a piece of cake and it will be absolutely beautiful and euphoric.  The next high might come from something as simple as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  It is difficult!

I have three tips that I TRY to use as much as possible in an effort to avoid and conquer against this demon of an addiction.

1.  I try to avoid foods that I think will cause me to feel that euphoria.  I don't eat Reece's Cups all that often because I know there is a higher chance of losing control.  I try to eliminate as much temptation as I possibly can!

2.  Straight up Willpower.  I try to force myself to think about the fact that I know that losing control is the response of my addict addled brain.  I know in my brain that eating more and more and more of an item is NOT going to make me hear the angels sing forever or even retain that euphoric feeling.   I try to employ every ounce of willpower that I have.  DO NOT EAT THAT FOOD MARYFRAN!  It's a brain game!

3.  Celebrate the successes.  When you do start to gain control over the food addiction, a sense of pride in your accomplishments will overtake you.  Allow that feeling of pride and success wash over you.  Allow your mind to revel in the success.   And build upon that success.  Start realizing that you CAN do it and that you have done it (even if just once) and that you WILL do it again!  Build on the successes that you have!!!

Food addiction is hard one to work with.  But it IS possible to navigate and beat!  It just takes perseverance and persistence in your efforts!  I will be fighting this for the rest of my life.  But I am determined that I WILL succeed!!!!!

To watch my video on this subject.... 

My weight was down to 183.4 this morning. I have tried to be careful what I've eaten today. I did exercise this morning. However, just a bit ago, I saw a chocolate chovered marshmallow santa that I was given on Friday at our party...and I ate it! I thought about it...and almost went to the kitchen to chuck it into the garbage before even opening it. But then I opened it...smelled it and promised myself one little bite. Yeah right...the whole thing went down the hatch! What's wrong with me?????

My manager at work is a tiny little thing. She has utterly no concept of what I'm going through to get my weight under control. She was so tickled to see me eating bad stuff. In a way it is funny....but Janet put it the best way. Janet made this comment to me, she said, "We should all be ashamed, because we encouraged you to do something that we knew was something that was utterly wrong for you". I honestly think that my manager honestly doesn't get it.....she eats junk food like it's going out of style and doesn't gain a pound! And it just hit me...all except for the other part timer...the others either struggle or have struggled with weight issues.....to them, watching me take a fall made them feel better about themselves....because they eat poorly every day. Someone even made the comment on the party day about my eating that "You are human". Just becuase I chose to eat healthy...I'm not human???? Like I said, only one person really truly seemed to understand. And that was only after the fact. (ok...so it's also my favorite co-worker). I"m not saying that these people made me eat. I'm the only one that can make me eat. However, they encouraged and egged me on. Is it because for me to succeed makes them feel more of a failure?

The day was one big ball of reminders of how miserable I was as a 'big' girl. I felt yucky physically, emotionally, mentally...the whole nine yards. When I was big, I had a problem with my stomach hanging over my pants and rubbing on the button. It caused a sore....and often I had to wear a big band-aid over my stomach to keep this from happening.....and once it did happen to keep it from a) bleeding everywhere and b.) from hurting from the continual rubbing. This was so embarrassing....my husband made light of it and it didn't bother him...but I was so ashamed, I didn't tell many people. Even writing it now hurts and causes tears. Well.....thankfully this 'phenomenon' disappeared as I lost weight....probably about 50 pounds ago or so. Well, I was wearing a pair of pants that fitted nicely on Friday...and whadya know...I came home and when I was taking off my pants realized that I had developed one of these sores! Now come on......I didn't gain that much weight? But...I can't deny it....I have the sore to prove it. So one more 'reminder' of how my current lifestyle and my previous lifestyle have really changed!

You know, one of the major things that I marvel about. When I was big...I invested in 'bath sheets' These are humongous towels.....like double or triple the size of a regular bath towel. Almost every day when I shower I stand in awe when I realize that I can wrap a 'normal' bath towel around myself. You see....at my highest, even the bath sheets didn't fit around me. Yes, I still love to use the bath sheets.....but they wrap almost double around me!

I need to focus on my goals! I know that staying focused after falling off the wagon is so difficult for a week or so......I've got to double up my efforts to help me get past that difficult period! And somehow do it during the Christmas holiday! I'll be needing to do a heap of praying!!!!