The Memory Quilt

It has been no secret that I have been struggling with my emotions in the recent years.  It makes sense, I have had a lot of traumatic events happen.   It's been a roller coaster.  It's been difficult and I've really struggled.  As I started to put the pieces of my life and my emotions back in check I stumbled on a hobby that I have dabbled in over the years and in the process have been working on a project that truly has e delighted.  A memory quilt!

In June I went on a gals weekend with my friend Linda.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  It was a weekend of laughter.  It was a weekend of healing.  It was a weekend of building our friendship stronger.  When we past a fabric/quilt shop we knew we had to visit!   We both have dabbled with quilting in our lives.  While there we saw some fabric that actually was designed with the New River Gorge Bridge.  We decided to buy the fabric and the complimentary fabrics and to each make a block to commemorate our trip.  We talked about how we could buy fabric and make a block for each girls weekend/vacation we go on.   It was a great idea and I was hooked!

I came home with my fabric and I made the quilt block for our girls weekend.  I had enough fabric left over  that I made a second block for the "New River Gorge".  I had always wanted to create a memory quilt and I now had my first block completed...almost.  I embroidered the dates for when Jason and I visited NRG and voila the first block was complete.  

The block that started it all

I loved the process and couldn't wait to work on the next block!  I went out and perused the fabric at a local fabric store and bought the fabric for the next block.  I had so much fun that it took no time at all for that block to be finished.  I bought the fabric for the next block.  And in that way I have made my way through almost all the blocks I need for my memory quilt! 

Of course our animals deserve their own blocks!

 

I have been creating this quilt as I go.  Each block is a unique pattern (ok, I do duplicate some patterns here and there).  Each block is unique in fabrics, although I do try to include at least one fabric that was used elsewhere in the quilt into each block.   Each block depicts something special, or an event, or a thought from the first 10 years of the relationship of Jason and I (yup, we are at the 10 year mark).  

When we were first dating we spent a lot of time at a cafe talking....the cafe had a purple couch.

 As I have been creating the blocks I have formed my idea of how this quilt is going to work.  I always knew that each block would be totally unique and individualistic.  For a bit I pondered including some of the negative events.....my dad's death,  the passing of mom, the car accident that took Jason's daughter...those truly heart breaking events.  I thought about making blocks to depict the loss of my job, my health scare,   mom's stroke, or Jason's run in with an axe.   But I knew that while they were part of what I am and what these last 10 years together have been...I didn't want to put the sad memories into this quilt. 

Of course there is a block for each of us that has our names and birthdays

But how can I just ignore those things.  They are part of us.  They are part of our years.  That is when I decided to add in half blocks randomly throughout the quilt. These half blocks are not pieced quilt blocks, they are corresponding fabrics (and leftover fabric) from the pieced blocks.  You see, if I left all the blocks  perfect 12 inch squares the quilt would be totally linear popping from one good memory to another.  But life is not linear.  So I am placing those half blocks of fabric randomly to acknowledge that life is not linear and that there are roadblocks. There are sad events.  There is heartache.  I am not putting in a specific number of half blocks. Well, I am in that I have a certain number that need to be there to create the quilt.  But I have refused to look at a half block and think, "that represents my dad.....or mom...or jasons daughter."   The memories and love for those people will always be with us and we don't need a quilt block to remember.  

A block to indicate our apartment that we first lived in (with address)

In the dead center of the quilt I have always planned to have a large block (my plan was  24x24 but now that I am working on it, I think I'm going to have to adjust that ....which means the other blocks will need to be adjusted...but that's ok because I have some ideas on how to adjust).  This super large block will be a block created with the double wedding ring pattern.  My plan is 4 rings of the double wedding ring.   This is the only quilt block in the quilt that will not have unique fabrics.  All of the pieces of the double wedding ring will be created with random pieces from all of the other blocks.  All of the events depicted in the quilt combine in fabric to create our union in the double wedding ring.  

We have hiked a lot of trails off of Skyline Drive in Shenandoah National Park

I have completed all of my blocks and all of the half blocks. (I am doing a quilt as you go approach.....if you are interested in quilting and have wondered when you look at my blocks.)  I am currently piecing the double wedding ring segment.  As I said earlier the pattern was larger than I thought so I will most likely have to adjust some things on the quilt....but I have a plan in my head of how to make a larger center block work!

Working on the quilt has been good for me in so many ways.  It has allowed me to be creative (which is something I truly enjoy).  It has allowed me to revisit the past and look at the good that has happened in life versus dwelling on the negative.   It has also given me a project that fills my time.  It has been a blast!  As I near the end I wonder what will come next........ 

The Trap

 I came dangerously close to falling into a trap yesterday. Yes, a diet trap, they are real and they are prevalent in our society.   What diet trap did I almost succumb to?  I almost started to think in terms of co-ncrete goals with finite time limits to reach them!   Ohhhh my, yes I did, but I caught myself just in time!  I actually started to put a finite time goal on a certain amount of weight loss.

 I actually said to myself "I can lose 25 pounds by Christmas/New Years".  That is roughly 25 pounds in 2.5 months.  What was I thinking???? 

 I don't think having goals and a finite time to reach said goals is a bad thing.  It's not bad at all...when you have 100% control over the results.   The 75 Hard challenge that I did a while back was one such good goal to set.  (You can read about the beginning of my 75 hard journey and what 75 Hard is here.)  It was a challenge in which I had to physically do certain things each day for a very finite length of time.   Reaching the goal was only reliant on my willpower and my actions.  A perfect goal.   

Weight loss on a finite time period is not a good goal...for me.  I know that people frequently say "I want to lose such and such amount of weight by this or that event" and that is fabulous if it motivates you.  But A finite time period for weight loss is NOT a good thing for me, and I suspicion a good thing for a lot of people.  You see, sometimes our best efforts at weight loss result in large losses each week. But sometimes our efforst results in smaller losses.  Sure it's always calories in calories out.   So figuring it out on paper,  if you eat in a deficit you should be able to correctly adjust and manage to have the correct loss needed in order to meet your goals.....but life isn't a math equation on paper.  Building muscle in your body can alter weight loss......it can make you lose faster....yet building that muscle can actually cause the scales to pop up a bit even as your waistline shrinks.  Conversely, if you lose muscle the opposite happens.   A holiday or celebration can slow down the loss while conversely a stomach flu could speed it up.  The variables are a plenty in a weight loss journey.   And variables are ok...but they can wreak havoc on a finite time period for a goal.

As soon as I uttered the goal of losing 25 pounds by Christmas I came to my senses.  No No NO!  I am working to heal emotionally, mentally and physically.  Putting possibly unreal expectations upon myself is not a healing behavior.    Furthermore,setting a goal of losing 25 pounds in 10 weeks is doable (at my weight) but would require absolute precision and perfect conditions in life and in my body.  Perfection is way overrated.  Life is not perfect so why we aim for perfection and then get upset when we don't reach it is a mystery I will always ponder.  But I know perfection is not what I am aiming for....because if I am for perfection I will certainly hit a week....or two..or three where I don't have the perfect weight loss and then I will be faced with the prospect of being physically unable to reach my goal of 25 pounds in 10 weeks.  And when that happens, it's way too easy to be demoralized and to give up.

 

Giving up is not an option at this time.  So I am refusing to set any type of finite goal in terms of weight loss.  If I lose 1/2 pound a week and it takes me a year to lose that 25 pounds, then so be it....I am still losing!  But if I manage to string together 10 perfect weeks where I lose 2-3 pounds (doable at my current weight) and I manage to lose the 25 pounds by Christmas...... awesome.  But I am not planning...aiming for....hoping for....expecting it. I am not falling into a trap!  My goal is simply to put my best efforts out there and see what happens! 

 Now to keep reminding myself of this fact, because human nature keeps spitting this thought into my head. "Be at such and such weight by Christmas........A great goal would be to lose such and such by Christmas.......2 pounds a week would be this amount of weight by christmas'.  But no no no, not gonna do it! 

Movement in the Right Direction

 I am still in the game.  I know it's only been two days of feeling present and ready to tackle this journey again, but I honestly feel good about where I am.  Now don't get confused, I didn't say that I was perfect during these last two days but I feel as if I have taken some steps toward a healthier and thinner me.  I am moving in the right direction.  I still have no promises to make, but I do have one or two concrete plans for the future as I move forward.

A Non-Perfect Victory

Yesterday I wrote that I was not going to promise that there would be no candy after my lunch.  (you can read about that habit and my post from yesterday here.)   I also mentioned in that same post that I would be navigating a lunch at work where we were ordering out and that I would track it.   I am proud to say that I DID track the whole day.   As I suspected my calories were over where I have always wanted them to be.  However, I am so proud to say that I did NOT have any chocolate after my lunch.  I am also extremely proud to announce that I ordered a salad.  Yes, in terms of calories; a chef salad with dressing may have been just as many calories as a sandwich and fries (or at least the sandwich with no fries)  BUT I filled my body with nutritious food versus empty calories!  I call that a victory!

 

Change in the Scales 

 I used to weigh myself every day.  I have come on here so many times over the years and expounded about and defended my position.  (You can read some of those posts here and here ).  I still hold to the belief that weighing every day is a fabulous tool.  I learned so much about my body by weighing every day.  I learned the effects of a super high sodium meal and how much I should expect to pop up on the scales after such a meal.  I learned that my body weight will spike two days after a larger caloric day. I was able to identify signals within my body that indicated changes on the scales. Weighing daily taught me so much.  Furthermore, when the scales are trending downward each and every day, a daily weigh in is fabulous as it keeps you motivated.

However, the scales do not cooperate and move for me the way that they did when I was in my 30's when I lost the weight the first time.   The scales don't even operate the way that they did when I was in my 40's.  The older I get the more difficult it is to move the scales in the right direction, so it seems.  At the very best it is freakishly slow movement.   I know weight loss  can be achieved at my age, but it is slower and a whole lot less linear.  It's part of aging and that is ok.  But that change in how I am losing is demoralizing.  When I am demoralized, that is when I give up and say "who cares, I am eating what I want since eating right for the last however many days didn't make a difference'....and thereby I display no consistency in my efforts.   So I am switching to weekly weigh ins.  I will be weighing myself once a week, Saturday mornings is the plan right now. Other than that one weigh in day, I am not planning on stepping onto the scales.  Weekly weigh ins for now!

I will throw in the caveat that when (not if....WHEN) I reach my goal, and maybe even earlier when I get closer to that goal that I may go back to daily weigh ins.  I do still fervently believe that it is a good way to watch what is happening and is a great way to stop a gain before it gets out of control!

 She Will Not Fail

My last change is within this website/blog and you may have already guessed what this change will be.    I have been writing on here for almost 20 years.  (Yes, I wrote my first post on Jan. 5, 2006).  I have long known that when I am posting that I am more focused and more in tune with my weight loss journey.  Writing on here has long been my accountability. (And readers have been my motivation, inspiration and cheerleaders.)  

This change came about a while ago as I sat back and KNEW that I had to do something and do it NOW (and not tomorrow).  I turned to prayer, heavily asking for help with my weight and asking for help with my emotional angst.   In the midst of those beseeching prayers I happened to read a post from someone that I have followed for years. (Sweat & Sparkle – Taking this journey back to me, my health, my happiness).  She has struggled with a lot of the same things that I have encountered, the death of a mother, weight loss, weight gain, etc.  And she shared a scripture that has been speaking to her lately.   "God is within her, she will not fall, God will help her at the break of day." (Psalm 46:5)  Yes yes yes.....perfect bible verse for where I am at.  

 

She also challenged her self to write more frequently as she works through healing her body mind and spirit.   Now this is a challenge that makes sense to me and that I can get behind.  So while I was already coming her because I know it's good for me, I"m all on board with joining her on her challenge and accepting it as my own!

Looking to the Future

I have managed to cobble together two days where while I wasn't perfect, I made good choices with food and with coming on here for accountability.  The weekend is upon me and for me that means even more difficult choices.    I am once again not promising anything, but I'm hoping that I can at least make one small choice that propels me toward a healthier me!   

Small but Mighty

 I posted yesterday morning about how tomorrow never comes.   I didn’t make any grand affirmations of grandiose plans.  I didn’t make any vows for the day.  I didn’t do anything.  I simply acknowledged the fact that over the last years that I have  been planning on getting back on track/starting hard ‘tomorrow’.  I talked about willpower and I did say I needed it…but I promised nothing. 

That post generated something within me.  Nothing big…nothing grand.  I didn’t alter my planned lunch.  Ok, I probably didn’t alter it because it was relatively healthy…..a half of a roasted honey nut squash (the BEST squash out there…just saying) some strawberries and some raspberries and a half of a soft pretzel.   All in all not too bad. (Could have done without the pretzel if I wanted to be super strict, but I have always preached sustainability….so there ya go.)  all was going well, until lunch was over.   I walked back through our work room and I KNEW the candy jar was ‘over yonder’!   I have slipped into a habit of getting a piece….or two or three…of candy after lunch!   Sometimes I go back for a second round.   But yesterday I looked toward the candy jar and said, ‘no way….not today’.  A small, but mighty victory.

And I know…indulging in a bit of candy isn’t the end of the world.  But for me, right now it’s not good.  Simply because it’s not just one piece a day.  It’s not even just one day a week…it’s multiple pieces and every day.   Let’s break it down.  three miniature Reece’s cups are ‘only’ 130 calories.  But if I do it twice a day that is 260….five days a week that is 1300 a week!  We are nearing a half of a pound in calories a week….that almost 2pounds a month…..24 pounds a year.    I felt super victorious with my choice yesterday even though it seemed like such a tiny victory.  But 24 pounds a year is pretty big!!!

I am not claiming that there will be no chocolate after lunch today.  I’m not even going to attest to a healthy lunch.   We are ordering lunch to be delivered today, so I am prepared to go higher in my calories for lunch and I know what dinner is supposed to be…..I will track it all,  be it good or bad. But I know that even one tiny change can have a huge effect on my efforts.  

Tomorrow never Comes

 How many times have I said "I will start tomorrow"  or I will start on Monday, the first of the month, after  vacation or any point somewhere in the future.  Let me just tell you, umpteen times.  I'm not even sure I can count that high!   It's seriously been a lot.  And let me tell you, tomorrow rarely comes.

 I have been struggling.  I have been struggling big time with my weight.  In my delusional mind I have thought that it was hidden.  But seriously, a girl can't hide the fact that she has gained 100 pounds.  Yes, I did say 100.   In fairness, I rounded up.  It's not quite a hundred.   And also in full transparency, I haven't gained a hundred pounds this year....or even in the past five or ten years.  But I am 'almost' 100 pounds up from where I was when I became a weight watchers lifetime member.   That 100 pounds came from years of vowing that 'tomorrow' I start, right after our anniversary or after such and such trip.

 Shortly after I met my lifetime goal at weight watchers I went on vacation and I gained some weight.  I struggled for a while trying to fight that weight back off but eventually settled into a weight that was about 20-30 pounds over lifetime.  I hated it!  But I maintained that weight for years.  I was active during that period.  VERY active.  I was running 12-20 miles a week, going to zumba at least 3 times a week and when I met Jason I added miles of hiking and biking onto my activity each week.  I switched jobs and I found it difficult to find time to run as the commute ate up that time.  But we were still active so all was well....and I maintained that weight.  Then Covid hit and I gained my covid-19.....yes I gained about 19 pounds in the first few months. Life was more sedentary I guess.  The final nail on the coffin was when we bought our house and somehow our life adjusted and we not longer went for long bike rides and long hikes.  I gained another 20 pounds.   This last year has been difficult with a myriad of changes.   Chalk up another 20 pounds of weight gain.  And there you go......almost 100 pounds gained.  (In about 15 years).  

The gain is not because I gave up.  I NEVER gave up.  Seriously, I have posted on here tons over those 15 years!   I even had a youtube channel where I posted about my weight loss journey (which I have not deleted but I have mostly abandoned.......due to time constraints and yes my failure to actually lose weight).   I have wanted to lose weight each and every day.   Yet I continued to gain.

It has to stop.   I am struggling with movement and mobility...which scares the living snot out of me!  When I was this weight the first time I was in my 20's and 30's and I was still active.  This time I am much older and it's not pretty.   I'm freaked out.  Yet I think about making changes and vow that tomorrow I will start.   But tomorrow never comes.

It's dire.   I always wondered how someone could let themselves go so far that they have to ride in a motorized scooter.  How could they slip so far that they get to the point of full immobility?   And I am happy to say that I am not there.....YET.   But I can see changes that indicate that I am spiraling toward that eventuality.  I struggle to get down on one knee and back up.  Getting up from a low chair is painful.  Those two things may seem minor and even excusable by saying "well I do have arthritis in my knees".....but they herald a future that I don't want.  How did I get here....by saying "tomorrow I will get back on track".

Tomorrow is here.  It's do or die. Which may sound dramatic, but is it really dramatic or is it the truth?  I'm not making vows of what I am going to do.  I'm not making elaborate plans of exercising such and such times a week or eating a calorie deficit of this amount or that amount.  Right now I am just going to focus on making healthier choices.......saying no to the cookie at work, the trip to Dairy Queen on the weekend, the extra serving at dinner.  Elaborate plans are only so good if you have the willpower to back them up....and right now my will power has been lacking.......and that I guess is what I will be working on, bolstering my will power! 

It’s been dirty

 Now now now, get your mind out of the gutter.  I’m not talking about that kind of dirty!   I am talking about my dirty thirty that I was attempting in the month of September. And let me just say, it was dirty!

As the month of September rolled around I had this grand plan to start a challenge.  I wasn’t up for doing another 75 hard, so I devised the dirty thirty.   It would include thirty days of activity, thirty days of tracking my food and keeping it under a certain level.  It involved 30 days of step count over 10k.  I’m telling you.  I was going to smash the month.   I started out strong and did relatively well the first week.  Then I had some time off work and that is when it got dirty.  I nailed about 3/4 of my goals…..but I started to slip further and by the end of the second week I was struggling.   I’m telling you, it was dirty….but not a victorious dirty!

I commenced with the negative self talk and began kicking myself for failing at my attempt.    That was something I was totally victorious at! I’m really good at negative self talk!  

Then I happened to see a video.  I can’t even remember who or where.  Quite seriously, I’m trying to even picture the person and I can’t!  But I remember the message. But this person was talking about  not going full guns blazing and instead starting with one thing at a time and building upon that.  And that is when I realized why my dirty thirty had most likely failed. I had dove in head first, in a time of my life when I was struggling to adjust to new routines, jobs and just life changes.  I had even talked about the adjustment and how I was struggling yet I started it anyway….because…I’m a glutton for punishment!   And in doing that, I was still trying to juggle the adjustment and I added multiple balls into my juggling act.  And that is where I failed.  I should have focused on  ONE thing and one thing only.  Once I got a handle on that one thing THEN add the next thing.

So I have stepped back.   I am going back to the basics.  One thing at a time.  Right now my focus is on tracking.  I need to track each and everything!!  That is my focus.   Sure, if I get my water consumption up to 64 plus ounces, awesome.  If I can get the 10k steps even better.  But my focus is on tracking!   Once that has become a habit, the. I will work on the next thing!!!

And a picture of me swinging the hammer to ring the bell (which did ring)…..

Although, I think I found my secret untapped talent is axe throwing.  Most people that attempted it couldn’t even get the axe to stick.   Each of my attempts I got the axe to stick in the wall AND the axe was while not a bulls eye at least hit the target!!!

Dirty Thirty

 A week or two ago I talked about my crazy idea to possibly do another 75 hard!  Yeah, I know...nuts is what I am to even think that amidst all the adjustments of starting and learning a new job.  But I had the thought and I just couldn't let it go.  

I went back and forth with wanting to do the 75 hard and deciding that it just wasn't the right time for me to do it.  But the next day I would be back to thinking positively about the 75 hard. I'm telling you, I have gone back and forth a gazillion times!  I wanted to do it, but I didn't want the strictness and the length.   I guess I didn't want the 'super hard', I wanted a challenge but a doable challenge.

Finally I came up with what I am calling the Dirty Thirty.   It will still be dirty and difficult but maybe not so strict.  It will still have longevity, but not quite so long as the 75 hard.   It's a reduced version of the 75 hard I guess.....

So what does the Dirty Thirty hold for me?

1.   Take my vitamins for 30 days.

2.  Walk outside (at least 20 minutes) for 30 days.

3.  Obtain 10,000 steps for  30 days. (This one will be the ‘hard’ for me as I have been consistently getting only 5k!)

4. Track food and keep calories 1500 or below for  30 days. (Again hard as I haven’t been tracking consistently!)

5.  Focus on drinking 64 ounces of water for  30 days.

 

I plan on starting this on September first.   That gives me another few days to fine tune my list of 30's.  I am happy with my choice to reduce the workouts in my dirty thirty and focus on steps.   The 75 hard calls for two 45 minute sessions, one in and one outside.   Getting an extra 5k in steps will mean that I have to add more activity into my days, so it may be a wash!  If I find myself breezing through it I can always add more, but what I have chosen is a doable realistic goal for where I am.   I debated pushing my calories lower.  I know that I loose more at the 1300 mark, but while I wanted to be challenge, I also needed to balance that with 'doable'.  I think I struck a nice balance between difficult and attainable!   

Is there anything I missed that I need to add let me know!   :-)

 

Choosing

I was in the shower this morning and I was replaying a conversation that I had with a friend yesterday.  We were talking about emotions during that conversation.  It was one specific comment that was made during that conversation that was replaying in my mind over and over.  "I am choosing...." 

 Life for me has been crazy.  There is no denying that.   I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and events in life in recent months.  Actually make that statement to say that it's been crazy for the last few years. I am not going to go into it now, I discussed a lot of it in  this post though.  But I will say that life has been a lot in the last few years and it has really gotten to me and I have spent a lot of my time struggling with a low grade (I would say low grade) depression.  It's been going on for years.  In my conversation with my friend I made the comment about how I was struggling way back in 2022 and how I remembered thinking that I should be so happy because I was a newlywed and we had just bought and moved into our house.  Instead I remember days out mowing and working in the yard and crying the whole time as I worried about situations in my life. Little did I know then that it would just get worse.

Some of those situations have been rectified.   The job situation for one.  Being laid off was tough.  (Yeah, remember they did it on my birthday...)  But I think in the long run it is a good thing for me.  It's a relief to have that and some of these other things calm again in my life.

As we talked, my friend carefully probed to see how I was doing with some of the other things going on.   I honestly just started to laugh and say "it's all the same....no change."    She commented that I seemed to be able to handle it better.  I mean, I guess it was obvious as I hadn't erupted into tears when it was brought up in the conversation.   And that is when I made the comment, "The situation hasn't changed but I am choosing to not let it beat me."  

And that is what life is, I just forgot for a while (or just had too much going on to see the forest through the trees).   Life is accepting that you can't control life, you can't control other people, you can't control circumstance.  You can only control your response and how you react and choose to live your life.

 

I must be nuts!

 Am I crazy?  I think I must be!  How can I even be thinking this?  Am I really thinking of doing the 75 hard again?   I must seriously be nuts!

So let’s break this down….

Yes, my weight loss efforts are somewhat stagnant.   The weight is just not coming off.  I will be honest and say that I’m not really putting forth a GREAT effort, but I am cognizant and have tried to make healthier decisions.  But it’s just so slow to drop that it gets utterly discouraging. It is driving me crazy.  I don’t like how I feel.  I don’t like how I look.  And most definitely I don’t like the fact that most of my clothes are so tight I’m uncomfortable…..my work clothes that is.    I have picked up some things that fit ok….but most of my stuff is tight…and uncomfortable.  That just adds to my discontent with my weight.   

The discontent makes me want to do something drastic.   And my mind jumps to the 75 hard.   It makes sense.  It was a victory.   I saw improvement.  And my one regret about me doing it earlier this year was that I didn’t set my diet plan restrictive enough.  So my thoughts are why not do it again?

Work is going well.  I am still learning something new daily.   We are short staffed so I am constantly jumping back and forth between jobs/duties.  But that’s ok because it’s making me really cement the earlier concepts learned.  I am constantly on the look out for new things I can learn as the formal trainings are only the basis/background of what I need to know.   I laughed with my manager the other day that I am always coming into her office with way off the wall questions about hypothetical situations.  But hey, I’m learning.   It will be a long process because I really do need to learn every aspect of the office to properly be able to do my job.   

I am really struggling with relearning to juggle home life into the mix.   I got so spoiled with working from home where I could easily mop the floor on a 15 minute break, unload the dishwasher on another and fold some laundry at lunch.   I had gotten into the habit of carrying my ‘weed bucket’ around when I went out with the dog and pulled weeds…so the weeds never got out of control.    Without those random moments scattered through the day I am struggling with getting stuff done.   The other weekend I spent 5 hours weeding the front of the house….and still didn’t get it all done.  (It had been a while and we had a lot of rain so it was BAD).    Of course it doesn’t help that my feet (I have some long known issues) and my arthritis in my knees have been pounding lately. So that is a struggle.  But I am slowly feeling like I am getting a handle on the change.

The dog is doing well with the change also.  It was a big adjustment for her as in all her life she was used to me being in the house with her….literally in sight of me pretty much 24-7.

So with all that said about learning to shuffle and adapt why in the world am I thinking about doing a 75 hard.  That’s the last thing I should be contemplating!!

I’m toying with something easier…maybe.  But is that cheating??

Speechless

For once in my life I don't have anything to say.  I know, this is a unique phenomenon.  But it has happened!

Work is going well.   I am settling in and doing the job I was trained to do the first weeks of July.  But in the midst of that, my manager (who is the person assigned to mentor me during the next phase of my training which begins in August) has started to pull me aside to observe her as she works.   So I'm still receiving lots of knowledge daily.  And yes, I start the next phase of training in early August.  I will be driving up to the main headquarters of my company (about 55 miles one way) for classroom training for about 6 days in August.  And then I will be set to do that job and get my feet under me for that aspect of my job.   Eventually I will go back for even more training as I learn more and more.  So things are progressing nicely with that.  I will say though, I LOVED the 6 months that I didn't work.....well other than the fact that I was constantly stressed about the lack of income!  But yeah, not working was a WONDERFUL experience otherwise.

My weight loss efforts are well....stagnant.  Ok, maybe not stagnant.  I may be slowly starting to drop on the scales......I mean, maybe.  The scales are not linear, so I don't want to say they are going down ...yet.  I AM down a bit from where I was about a month ago....but when I say a bit I mean a bit....I"m still in the same 'decade' of numbers on the scale.  So within a 10 pound range....which fluctuates (frustratingly so).   I am watching what I eat and trying to make sure that I'm not going crazy, but not being super strict with myself.     Exercise is almost non existent.   I am on my feet a whole lot more at this job and the first weeks (after training) when I was on my feet all day long were tough as my legs ached and my feet were so sore.  I did buy new shoes, which helped. However, my plantar fascitis is really kicking my behind lately, so any heavy exercise is just not happening.   I do however walk the dog every day for about 25 minutes....so at least there is that.     I did just see something this morning about an exercise class.  I have kept my eye on this small exercise studio near me for a while....she leads classes that are good for flexibility and mobility....but I haven't wanted to go in to a full flexibility class as a beginner......but just this morning I saw that she is now offering this class for beginners!  So I may try it!  It actually starts the week when I start training for the next aspect of my job, which will have me off my feet a bit more so that should ease up the foot pain....I hope!

 I decided to start a memory quilt.  This is my own creation......but what I am doing is that I am making 12 inch blocks.  Each block is totally unique and highlights one aspect of Jason and I during the last 10 years (we will hit the 10 year mark in our relationship in November...in some ways it feels like a lifetime, but in other ways it seems like it was yesterday that we had our first day 10 years ago).    What kind of unique quilt blocks you may be asking?  Well I have a quilt block that depicts the New River Gorge since we have vacationed there a few times.  I have a quilt block done for my cat...hey she is our furr baby.....and of course I also have one for our goofy newfie dog.  I am embroidering anything important on it.  Like the New River Gorge ones I embroidered the dates we went.  The dog has her name and her birthday as does the cats.    Those are the three that I have completed.....  I am working on one to indicate hiking......it's just a normal block with a base fabric that has things that depict hiking like signs and trees, etc....and I plan on embroidering at least the words Hiking and Nature.  I'm toying with embroidering the names of some of our favorite places to hike/favorite trails.    But I have plans for lots of blocks, for the bird, for our first date (we went and got ice cream sundaes), other vacations, our house, our apartment, bike rides, etc    Each block is unique...I am not carrying any one theme of color through the quilt.  Each block is being created with whatever colors and design that my creative juices say to do at that time.   I am trying to carry at least one piece of fabric from each block into another square...also to keep my fabric costs lower.  But that's not something I am worried about.   The center of the quilt will be a larger (the plan right now is 24x24) block which will be a double wedding ring pattern....on which of course I will embroider the location and date of our wedding.   It is a perfect choice because hello "double wedding ring"  but also because that quilt uses lots of small pieces of fabric to create the rings.  So my plan is to create those rings using all the various fabrics from the blocks that I create......so a hodge podge of colors possibly, but symbolic in the craziness of life that combines to bring two people together into one life.   Ok, that was totally sappy wasn't it?   But anyway, that's my current project.  

 

So that pretty much sums it up.   I'm just trying to settle back into a routine of work....and a routine of working in an office (I worked from home for 5 years before this, so leaving the house every day is no longer familiar!). 

Shoe Size Matters

 I have successfully completed my second week of being back at work, and it was a full 5 day work week with no vacation time!   It was a week that had it's ups and downs.  It was a week that had it's painful moments but also that had pain-free moments.   I also learned a lesson in how much size really matter.    But most importantly I survived!

Continued Fallout

I was in my second week of training for my new job.  This week was divided between classroom training time and time in the actual office with a mentor.  I was excited to get into the office to actually meet my coworkers.  Coworkers really make or break a job.   As bad as my last job was, the one with Karen who was verbally abusive, I had some amazing coworkers. I mean, I just went on a girls weekend with one of them!  It seems as if I will be with a good group of gals.  They laugh and talk and it seems like it is a friendly group.  I continued to feel that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach each time I am doing something where I am being observed.  I get skittish and almost shaky as I wait for the verbal abuse to rain down upon me.  I keep telling myself, Karen is not there.......she was not right in the head......her words were a reflection of herself and NOT a reflection of me.  One morning I was heading the the office an hour away where the training is being held and I was replaying something in my mind that I had said and done at the office.  Absolutely NOTHING out of the ordinary, but for some reason my mind seized upon it and in my warped way was convinced that "karen' was going to tell me about it.  I finally put the thought to rest by praying and asking God to take away these thoughts that I KNEW were invalid.    So the fallout of my time with Karen is not totally in the past, but I am still working hard to make it in the past!

 The Pain

For the next month or two my sole job will be to work on the teller line. In early August I will go back into the training classroom to start to learn my actual job (how to open the various types of accounts is first.....more training will come a month or two after that....and continue until I am fully trained).   Once fully trained I will be in an office but will still be a teller about 20% of the time while while I cover lunches, help out when short staffed and take a turn on my weekend to work.   But for right now I am 100% teller.   The office is a typical with the teller stations being standing height.  The office does have chairs to sit on behind the teller line, but my office is pretty busy and the chairs are more in the way.  Thus most of them have been pushed into a back room. (And the one that is out is annoying as we are always running into it.).    So for the three days that I worked in the office I was on my feet for the complete 8 hours.  That is where the pain came in.  Oh my word, the first day my legs were so sore!  But to be honest, I was not surprised.  I well remember the first weeks when I left a desk job and started to work at a deli where I was on my feet all day. (Wow, that was during the first year that I wrote here.....19 years ago....and I did write about my legs aching.) The aches in my legs started to decrease as the week went by.    What surprised me is how much my feet hurt.....each day with no noticeable improvement as the week went on.  I have long had an issue with 'The Bone.....an issue with my foot that has been around since I was 10-12 years old.  I don't have too many issues with it anymore, but this week was not one of them.   That wasn't the only thing wrong with my feet.  I noticed on one day that I had a tender spot on the foot, like my shoes had rubbed wrong, even though they were shoes that had previously not given me any issue.  The most disconcerting issue was that in the evenings I would be sitting with my aching feet propped up in front of me and I could FEEL my heels.  This is not a good thing as I have suffered with Plantar fasciitis for quite a few years.  (My first posts about it was in 2013 and I referred to the pain having started about a year earlier.)  I have been able to manage this issue quite favorably most of the time.  I have had some bouts that have been difficult, but I have learned to recognize the early signs and I have been able to make changes and stave off a full bore attack!  Thank heavens!    So that familiar tingling in my heels was not at all welcome.  In fact, that heel pain is scaring me!  The good part about the pain in my legs AND my feet is that after a good night sleep I wake up and feel no pain.   So I am able to take the dog for a walk in the morning with no pain.

 Size Matters

 Desperate to correct these foot issues I started to think about what I could do.  Most of the shoes that I have are remnants from my time at my last job when I was in the office.....pre 2020.  They still look great.   I wore them all the time in the office, and even led training classes where I was on my feet all day with no foot pain.  I used to go for walks on my lunch break every day wearing the shoes and there were no issues.  But, still something was wrong now.   I attempted wearing different pairs of shoes, but to be honest when I even went to put them onto my feet in the morning they started out feeling bad, so I would revert to the pair that felt 'manageable', a pair of clog style/slip on shoes.  Maybe my shoes were fine on the outside but the 'guts' and support was shot!   That had to be it.  So I vowed to go shopping over the weekend and I made it my priority yesterday.  I looked at a few different places and I finally found the pair by Clarks (pic below) that fit well.  And here is the shocker.........I had to buy a half size higher than I normally buy....and I bought the wide width (which is also abnormal).   Holy heck.....was that the problem?   I have gained weight since I have worked from home....a significant amount of weight, so it makes sense!  I remember when I lost weight the first time that I had to get shoes that were a bit smaller, so it's not an unknown phenomenon, just one that I forgot.  A different shoe size also makes sense as to why any pair of shoes that I tried to wear that was not open back was just too tight, making me revert to a pair with no back.  I bought a dark brown.....and hope to make it work for all of my dress shoe needs...because I haven't given up, I still want to lose this weight.    I will be trying my new shoes this week.  I've got my fingers crossed that the pain eases!

 

Weight

And now lets talk about weight.   As I mentioned in my last paragraph, I have gained a whole lot of weight in the last few years.....and the day before I started this job I saw the highest weight I have been at in probably 20 years.  BUT, I am happy to say that I have lost  4.2 pounds in the last two weeks.  I don't know that it is any major feat as it just happened kinda accidentally.  I'm not even going to promise that I can continue to keep up a loss.  I just know that I WANT to lose and that I am going to try to eat healthy and TRY to lose!  But yay to the 4.2 pounds!

Another week is upon us.  The dog is hounding me to go for a walk.... I think it's time to get this Sunday rolling!