Believe

I have been pondering how my running changed literally overnight.  I was running with my running partner and was having abysmal runs.  Horrid!   I stood up for myself and my self worth and stopped bowing to this friend and letting her put me down.  It ended the friendship and immediately, overnight my running changed.

I wondered if it was the high from running the Krumpe's Donut Alley Rally.  Hmm, it could be.  Running a race imparts a certain energetic vibe is motivating.  But seriously, I had run the Paws on the Pavement this year and didn't get any kind of motivational umph.  

Then today I saw this on facebook this morning and I realized........

This friendship that was couched in 'encouragement' was actually negative to me.  In terms of running, looking back, running with a partner that would never run beside me but always paced herself 5 feet ahead of me was negative.  What kind of motivation is that?  I could NEVER catch up.   I was always chasing her down.  It's no wonder I was running horrible.  Her actions were feeding my mind.  They were making me feel insufficient and incapable.  

I stopped running with her, and completed the Krumpes run at the same time and I realized that it was all in my mind.  I couldn't run because my mind told me that I couldn't run.  My MIND told me that I was incapable and not a runner.    It doesn't matter who or why the thoughts were put into my mind.  They were there and I believed them.   The minute the negativity left...my mind cleared and I began to soar!

Now, if I can just get back to running and not feel like I need to collapse for a bit to recover after a measly 2.5 mile run, followed by a day of napping, I will be good!  But that's a whole different story!   

As for running, I ran those two short runs last weekend.  Other than that I have taken two weeks off.  I'm planning on running this weekend and starting back onto my training schedule.  I am hoping the exhaustion will right itself with time.....and maybe some of the exhaustion is lack of exercise in my life!  

Eating....lets not talk about it...however....this moment, right now, right here is the time to fix it.  No waiting until Tomorrow, or Monday....it's right now.   On a good note, I have tracked!

I feel like a monkey with all the itching!!!

I had my weekly weigh in.  It was not as good as last week.  However, I'm not too surprised.  Why?   Last Wednesday when I weighed in I had pretty much not eaten anything for the previous two and a half days.  So yeah, that would kind of skew the weigh in results.  I have also been on an oral steroid for the last week or so and apparently that can cause a bit of weight gain.  But the biggest reason I'm not surprised?   I have been eating a diet full of carbs and way too many calories.   It is definitely my fault.  The only good thing?  I am still lower than that stupid 5 pound range!  I just need to pull it together so that I can STAY out of that range.

So how have I been doing?   The poison......ITCHES!  Still spreading?   Maybe.

The chest/pneumonia.  I'm still exhausted.  My chest has been really hurting the last day or two and the weird crackle/rattle that occurs every once in a while when I breathe is just disconcerting.   But I'm up and moving.

My goal for the next few days?   Get control of my eating and drink water.  While I've been sick I have drank mostly soda.  Diet soda, but soda.   Oops   I have however tracked every bite through the last two weeks. (that deserves a pat on the back, right??)

I'm watching the training schedule for this half marathon.  Days are ticking off and it makes me nervous.  I needed the full length of the training schedule.   I think I can still 'recover' from this enforced involuntary break from running if I can get back in the groove by this weekend...but I admittedly am nervous about what will happen should it go longer.  I'd like to say that I am not going to worry about it...but that would be a lie.   I will obsess about it.  However, I am going to take it as it comes.  If running this half marathon is not in my cards, then I will be ok and there will be another attempt sometime in the future.

Meanwhile, April 2, 2016.  I am officially registered to run the Cooper River Bridge Run again.  YIPPEE!   Hopefully no ankle issues this time and I will truly be able to run it!

Delusional???

Am I delusional to even think about running right now?   I managed to complete another 2.5 (a little shy of 2.5 actually) today.    Once again my legs felt FABULOUS!   However I was so stinkin' tired!  I just wanted to lay down where I was running to rest a bit.  I got home and fell into the rocking chair and just laid there.   I fought the urge to actually lay flat on the floor....I was that tired from a stinkin' measely 2.5 miles.  And the rest of the day?  Just wiped out.  GRRRRRR

My only hope is that maybe if I keep at least running the 2.5 miles that maybe I can retain what little progress that I had made in the last month or so.  Delusional?  Maybe.   I do know this....I don't think I would/will be able at this current state to run a few miles and then manage to go to work and be even halfway functioning.  I tell myself to just do the work.....as much as my body will allow and whatever happens and has to be will be.

After my run I did run and errand or two...I went to lunch with my family and we visited a HUGE field of sunflowers.   This picture isn't even half of it....and yes, that is sunflowers the whole way to the tree line.

Then I came home and did absolutely nothing, most of the time with my head resting because it was sooo heavy and hard to hold up on it's own.

So after my rough exhausted day (weekend if truth be known.....actually the last week has been one long run of exhaustion) I happened to see a bunch of these that remind me to just push forward....to do my best and do be happy with what I have achieved.   Because as my brother and sister in law reminded me the other night on the phone when they were telling me about a person that we know that was talking about their running, I am actually doing incredible.  How many people my weight can say that they can run 6 plus miles (ok, so I didn't run six today...but I ran six a week ago.)  Ohh...and while I ONLY ran 2.5 miles today...and 2.5 miles on Saturday...I am doing it while recovering from pneumonia.  Oh, the 6 miles from a week ago?  That was at high noon....I was hungry and oh yeah, that was less than two days before being diagnosed with pneumonia.   I had run the previous two weeks SICK!  Yeah.....that is one hard ass achievement.

Recovery

The doctor cleared me to run on Thursday if I was up to it.   I was totally NOT up to it.   I planned my return for the weekend.   I had grand plans.  Run a 2 miler on Saturday....a 4 miler on Sunday and then my scheduled 6 miler in Monday.    I was ready!

On Friday, other than the coughing and tightness in my chest, I actually felt half human!    I was ready to run!

Saturday morning I laid in bed, filled with dread and nerves.  What if the missed runs wreaked havoc on all my efforts????   Finally, I bite the bullet and got out there.   

I didn't set any speed records...but I really wasn't that far off my normal pace. (Seconds really).    I ran.  Other than a twinge in my arthritic knee, my legs felt fabulous!!!  Breathing was ok....chest was extra tight from the first half mile mark onward.  But I have an incredible run.   It was so incredible that I actually contemplated pushing onward.  Maybe I could knock out my 4 miler.   Heck, maybe I could just roll with it and eliminate that 6 mile run.   That would leave me with just a light run later in the weekend.  I was on top of the world!  

Seriously, this run was awesome!   I usually stop and walk for a few seconds at about the mile mark and every half mile to full mile thereafter.  No stopping yesterday....at all!!!!

Sanity prevailed and I reminded myself that I am after all recovering from pneumonia and that I should stick to my somewhat conservative return plan.

I arrived back at my house (2.5 miles completed). and stopped running and immediately felt light headed, wobbly and 'woah, I need to sit down...right now!'   I sat on my front porch for a few minutes and then felt better!

Physically I felt better.....however the rest of the day I was so wiped out that I could barely function!!   Do I blame it on the 2.5 miles of running?  Or did I just have a wee little relapse in the exhaustion of recovery? I'm not sure.   What I am sure of?   I have re-tooled the weekend running plans.  Sunday is now a rest day and Monday I will attempt whatever I can do.  Aiming for at least 4.    (Secretly I would like between 5 and 6.....the magical originally scheduled amount for my weekend)

And my sick weigh in...the low number I posted on Wednesday....it's climbing.   I kinda figured it would.   First, I was sick.....and probably dehydrated and all sorts of weight skewing things. I have done minimal exercise.   And I'm still on an oral steroid....which I know can affect weight.   I am still tracking and moving forward though!!!

Love Hate

I have a definite love hate relationship with running.  Sick as I was on Monday (and I don't remember much about monday...I pretty much spent from 12:30 AM until about 9PM on the recliner, sleeping), I still asked the doctor when I could resume running.  Yeah, even after my torturous run on Saturday I was concerned about running.  She kinda laughed at me running on Thursday but she cleared me to run.  Well, it's Wednesday night and I'll say pretty definitively that I will NOT be running tomorrow morning.  At this point I'm HOPING for this weekend.

And here is where the love comes in.....I reallly kinda miss running.  I did get out in the car twice today as a passenger. As I rode down the roads that I typically run I found myself thinking "I run on this road"  with a sound of nostalgic longing evident in my mental voice.   Wow...go figure.

Today I actually sat upright and tried to move around a bit more.  I feel sluggish and slow but no where near as exhausted.   The cough, rattle in my chest and the tightness in my chest has not let up though.  GRRR   And the rash...that the doctor said would respond immediately to the oral steroid regime is still kicking loud and strong.   Lucky me!

The longer this goes on, the more concerned I'm going to be about this half marathon.  I don't have much wiggle room in my training schedule.   Right now I feel I can probably still recover from this week of involuntary enforced lethargy.    We shall see.

The good news from my week of sickness???  Even with being on an oral steroid which apparently causes weight gain (water retention) I have dropped 6.4 pounds.   True pounds?  We shall see if I can maintain the through next week (or through whenever I am well again!!)

So my poor little Ethel....she has arthritis really bad in her back legs and doesn't jump up on furniture anymore....I left her up if I am around (and set her down when she wants down).  I was laying on the couch yesterday and I thought it was mertz nosing around....but before I knew it...my little achy kitty cat had somehow crawled herself up onto the couch to be with her mommy!   I moved over to allow her to lay with me.  She was so proud of herself.   She has spent hours with me on the couch yesterday and today.  HOURS.  That first visit when she was so proud she stayed with me for 6 hours straight. (no, I didn't move either).    She does nap but overall she is a GREAT nurse!

Cough cough

Saturday's run...high noon....and I was probably hungry.   So while I completed my 6 miles (I was only scheduled for 5) it was not an easy run.  The whole run I was making comments in my head like 'what in the world do I think I'm doing'. And 'I hate running'   I don't expect them all to be easy and amazing. So I'm ok with it.  

The bad run coupled with the video that I watched of the half marathon race course (the course went on and on and on forever) sent me home and made me feel absolutely defeated and incapable of completing a half marathon.   

Luckily I spent Sunday with a friend that was in the DC area.  This is the friend that did cooper River bridge run with.  (And we are planning next year to do it again).   She was so encouraging about me doing the half marathon that I started to push aside the negativity.

All was good when I got home Sunday night.  The cough that I had been dealing with for the last two weeks was there and the rash that I had developed as there and I was tired but life was ok.   I fell into bed and was asleep my 9:30.  I woke up and life feel apart.   Exhaustion pervaded every fiber of my being.  Staying awake for more than an hour was impossible.    I ended up going to the doctor.    I'm now on oral steroids for poison ivy (which is actuly on my face, chest, legs, torso....im not sure where I picked up poison from). And the big kicker?   I have pneumonia   Yes, I actually asked when I can run again and told the doctor that I have a training run scheduled for tomorrow.  She laughed and said no running Tuesday or Wednesday but maybe Thursday if my body responds to the meds quickly and if I feel up to it.  She did say she doesn't expect me to feel up to it though.   And I did assure her that if I feel like I do today there is no way I would even contemplate running.

So the training schedule is taking a hit of a beating....but I'm not out yet!!!!!   As long as my body responds to the meds quickly and I can knock this out of my system I should be ok!!

Slow but Mighty

The other day when I ran (Thursday) I was so proud of my run that I had made a comment to myself while I ran.  I actually even used the phrase in the blog post that I wrote later that day.   I can't get the phrase out of my mind.

Slow but Mighty

I ran those miles.  I opened up a can of Whoop Ass on those miles.   I smashed them!  I was slow but I was mighty.  My pace may not be something that will put me in the record book for running accomplishments.  But you know what?   For me, it is a MIGHTY accomplishment.  At my current weight?   It is a MIGHTY accomplishment.   Yes, it is MIGHTY!!!  I am MIGHTY.  

I came home and within a day I ran into this picture on Facebook.  

Wow, how perfect for my Strong but Mighty thoughts.   Absolutely perfect!      You see, it's so easy to get sucked into the mire of 'pace this' and 'pace that'.   But that is just a number.  (I want my pace to get better, and yes, I do keep track of my tortoise pace, but it's just a number.) The important thing is that I got out and DID it.  I put the miles on my legs.  I completed it. Slow doesn't matter.....perseverance and completion of the task is what matters!   I'm seeing daily improvements in my running.  I'm seeing myself run for longer stretches.  I see myself taking no prisoners in my running. I am improving!   And the kicker of these improvements?   I'm seeing the improvements in the midst of being sick!   How absolutely crazy is that????   What it boils down to is this.....I may not be totally happy with where I am at.  I wish I was faster.  I wish I could run further.  But I'm totally at peace and excited about where I am!!!!  

I am gearing up for my half marathon.  I am training and I'm feeling more and more confident that I can actually complete this half marathon.  I have laid out a few places that I am interested in site seeing whilst in Philly.  (Liberty Bell, US Mint, Betsy Ross House and Independence Seaport Museum) are on my short list)  I just found out that the gal that I was supposed to share a room with in Philly that weekend has backed out.   When we reserved the room, it was clearly and agreed upon a non-refundable purchase, text messages prove this point.   But as a courtesy, I am in the process of putting out some feelers to see if anyone wants to buy out her portion...so far no luck.

My eating yesterday was off the charts.....500 calories over my budget.   GRRRR  I'm going to blame it on the cookies that someone brought into work.   Yeah, it was the cookies fault!  Right?   Ok, I know that I can blame no one but myself.   I am the only one in charge of my destiny.   It is up to me to figure out how I want it to play out!

Today it is going to play out like this.  

*I am at work until noon. 

* I brought running clothes and I plan to change here and hit up the canal right after work.   I am scheduled for 5 miles.  But the easiest turn around point (without having to check my gps) is at the 3 mile point point so I am planning on a six mile run.   There are mile markers, so if I need to, I will know when I hit the 5 mile point on my run. (Where I am hopping onto the canal is at a mile marker) So if I need to stop running I can stop running and walk back to the car if need be.  That's the best I can do for a bailout option!   I am actually pretty excited about running this area today as it will be the first time since my husband and I separated that I will be running on this section of the canal.  It was a section that I ran/walked/biked quite frequently when I was married.  It will be like returning to an old friend!  I am a little worried about running at high noon.  I usually run in the mornings and very rarely in the evenings.  But this is when I have the opportunity to run 

*If the mowing has not been done by the time I get home, I will mow all of the properties.   

*  Shower and relax and dinner.

Safelite Repairs Safelite Replace

To the man in the Safelite van this morning.  Yes, you that passed a runner on May Street between The Terrace and Oak Hill......yes you, the one that flung your hand out the window to give me the thumbs up and then proceeded to yell, "You got this girl, keep going".    I thank you.    

When I was first starting to run, there was a man and his dog on the battlefield that I saw almost every time I ran.   He encouraged me everytime.  He was there the day that I completed my first ever 20 minutes straight of running.  (Yes, he just happened to be at the exact spot that I stopped running to begin my cool down.)  His simple words encouraged me and I learned to appreciate that.  At one point when I was training for the Cooper River Bridge Run (the one that I ended up walking because I hurt my foot a week or so before the run) I had a few people that randomly made encouraging comments as I ran by.  It boosted me up and made me run on.   Angels in disguise maybe.

Somewhere along the way recently, I lost sight of that.   Oh there have been some people that have made comments but I didn't 'hear' them.   Oh, my ears heard them but I was running with my then running partner (yup the same one that wouldn't run beside me but instead always ran 5 feet in front of me...it's not wonder my running was miserable.....why did it take me so long to realize that it was unhealthy?)   and she would also grouse and growl about how 'these guys just say stuff because they can't keep there eyes off of me"  and stuff like that.  She would growl and belly ache.  I never bought into that belief but just kept my mouth shut because it was easier to let her think she was all that than try to make her realize that she was allowing blessings to pass her by.  And honestly, because I hung out with her and was surrounded by that mentality, I lost site of the beauty of those blessings.  

Mr. Safelite today reminded me.   He reminded me that comments and words of encouragement are to be treasured.  

Want to know what else Mr. Safelites words did for me?  When he yelled out at me, I was about 3/4 of a mile into my run.  I have been consistently running my first mile to mile and a half with no stops and then stopping to walk maybe once a mile from there on out for the rest of my run.   Today, after his words,  I was determined to run every step of my 3.5 miles.  I only stopped to cross roads/wait for traffic and I stopped to walk once to check my mileage.    His words spurred me on to complete a fabulous run.  A slow but might run.  And yes, I'm still suffering from this chest congestion ickiness. ......imagine what I could have done if I was feeling spectacular!!!!!

My weight.   I showed a gain of a half pound this week.  I'm not surprised.  Chinese Buffet, Pizza, free for all salad bar, free pizza delivered to work.  Yeah, I'm not surprised.  However, I know what I did and I'm planning on fixing it!    

Me myself and I

The last couple months have been interesting. I am thinking that maybe I should refer to 2015 as the year of 'cleaning house'.  It seems as if I am eliminating things that are bad for me in my life.   As the final days of my marriage are winding down. (On paper...the marriage has been long over in reality.) I have all of a sudden sat up and started taking notice of my surroundings.  I have unfortunately said goodbye to some friends and people in my life.   One a few weeks back and another just this week.  It's not easy.  But I think it has been necessary for my well being.  I mean seriously....my name is MaryFran.     Call me MaryFrances which is my complete full name.  Call me MaryFran which is what half of the world calls me.   Heck, call me MF, a bunch of people call me that.   But whatever you do, do NOT call me Mary.  My mother was adamant about that when I was young and therefore, I do not associate myself with the name Mary.  You may as well call me Susan if you are going to call me Mary.   This most recent person has been in my life for maybe 7 months or so.....and they STILL had issues with calling me MaryFran.  Really?  It's not that difficult. It's actually disrespectful to not call me by the name that I was given at birth and the name that I chose to go by.   There were some other issues, but I had to cut that tie.   It's not healthy for me.  Just like the other person's constant drama and pandering.  The people that I've gotten rid of are much more crass and abrasive.   I don't appreciate that behavior and if honestly makes me uncomfortable.  I don't need that.......so moving on.   

Yes, this has left a huge hole in my life, socially speaking.  However, I will survive.

Weirdly enough, my soon to be ex (well, he already is my ex just not legally kinda sorta...long story) has turned into a decent friend.   Really it shouldn't be all that surprising as the only thing that held our marriage together is the fact that we lived as friends and that occasionally we would go out for the day and act as friends.  No, there is no chance of a reconciliation.   I laughingly told him that someone predicted that we would end up back together and before I could finish the sentence with the words "Cold day in H....E..... Double hockey sticks"  he said "Don't take this wrong but NO.....I believe I am a person that was meant to be single and even if you begged right now I'd have to say absolutely not!"    I was actually VERY relieved to hear that as it cleared the air for our friendship to actually flourish as FRIENDS.   

So this new found freedom from people that were dragging (potentially) me down.....what is my focus.   Running.   I run.  

 Sick again today...but the schedule showed a 3.5 mile run today so by golly, I got out there and did 3.72 miles.  My run was a bit slower in pace....by about 15 seconds per mile.  But I'm ok with that.  My chest hurts, my throat hurts and the cough is just downright annoying.....and I felt horrible croaking out in my raspy voice my hello's to the gardeners and such that I ran past.    But I did it.    Here is the crazy thing?   My legs felt absolutely fine.   My breathing was regulated.   I had a pretty decent run....except for the fact that my chest and throat felt horrid.  Yes, I did stop to walk for about 30 -60 seconds, three times.  Just needed to walk a bit to ease up the tight feeling in my chest.  (the tightness of the sickness increases when I run).   Regardless.....I ran....SICK!

My weight.....that is another thing that I plan on focusing on.  

 Right now I have a big GRRRRRR   I haven't weighed myself since Friday morning.  Friday night I went to a Chinese Buffet.......Not the greatest of choices I know.   Saturday evening I went to Cafe Italia (Hagerstown, MD) with my parents and their friend Kathy.  I was planning on ordering a grilled chicken salad.  Really, I was.  Until the three guys beside our table ordered one of the HUGE pizza's and it drew my attention.  So of course I switched to a pizza.  SOOOO yummy.   (Technically I wasn't over my calories as I had run 4.3 miles that morning...but well....we know me and what happens when I eat my exercise calories....I either gain or if I'm lucky, I maintain.)   Sunday I went out geocaching and ended up eating at Hoss's Steakhouse.  I got the salad bar......and ate mostly salad.....with macaroni salad on the said. (yeah, call me weird but one of their french dressings tastes FABULOUS on top of the macaroni salad).   I had two plates of salad.....a bowl of soup and two different small pieces of dessert.  I had three on my plate......the third only tasted mediocre so I didn't eat more than the first nibble....VICTORY.   

So three days of eating.....not exactly on point.  And my weight was up.   and I'm back at the low end of that that stupid 5 pound range that I have struggled to get out of.    

I will leave you with a giggle about my morning run today.

My dad usually walks in the morning and once or twice I have seen him as much of the time our walks/run overlap.   Today was not one of those days.  When I got home, the first words out of my mom's mouth was "Did you see your dad today while you were out running?"    I honestly answered with a negative and then watched as mom burst out laughing hysterically.   According to mom, my father had been walking and he saw me in the distance....so he called out hello.....once or twice.   And the poor girl looked at him and took off running.   It wasn't me....so dad freaked out some poor innocent girl.   (the story may have  been embellished a bit by my mother....I will have to check with daddio when I get home tonight....although he has texted me and said "PLEASE tell me that was you on such and such road this morning at about 7:30"  Ha ha ha.....

Neither Rain, Sleet, snow.....

Or what feels like an elephant sitting on my chest will keep me from my run!

Yes, I am still feeling icky.  I woke up this morning and knew that I had a run scheduled for some point this weekend.  Once again I didn't feel totally well...and actually felt another step worse than yesterday. SO, I decided to go today.  Get it done and out of the way in case I am feeling even worse tomorrow (God forbid).  

I got to talking with my dad before heading out and got to laughing.  Laughing made me cough.  Coughing made me gag.  Gagging made my father laugh.   Which made him cough.  Which made me laugh.  Which made me gag.  Vicious cycle!  I had to step away to gather myself and within a few minutes, with my stomach still feeling weird from gagging, I headed out.  (I knew that the gagging was a result of laughing and I knew that I don't normally laugh on my runs so I should be fine!)

I set out with some trepidation and actually wondering if I could make it. I was determined to give it my best shot.

And I did it.  I completed my miles.  I actually probably walked less than I have in my most recent runs.  My first walk didn't hit until almost the 2 mile mark...and was only 30-60 seconds.  From that point on, I walked maybe every 3/4 of a mile for roughly 30 seconds each time.   I determined to run to a certain point and I did.......and when I looked at my tracker......Wooo hooo.....it must have paused when I went to put it in my run buddy pouch.  It didn't track my run at all!   Luckily for me, it showed me when I had started it and paused it ...so I knew how long I had been running.....and I had decided to run the exact same route as last Sunday!    So I was still able to get my stats.....and happily I can say that even sick, I ran it faster than last week!

I was a bit nervous because I had Chinese (Buffet too...arrgghh) for dinner last night.   I wasn't sure how that was going to affect my weight.  But I am happy to say that my weight remained the same from yesterday to today.   I am making sure I drink lots of water so that I don't have any residual weight gain...but right now I'm feeling pretty good about my weight loss efforts.

15 calories....they would add up pretty quickly!!!

Today was supposed to be a rest day.  But I know that my Thursday and Fridays I have planned them to be a bit interchangeable.  Thursday runs are difficult because I am tired.  It's the end of my work week.  It's the end of a few days straight of some vigorous exercise.   Fridays make more sense to run for that reason.  Schedule wise it actually kind of makes more sense to run on Thursdays.  However  I planned Fridays based on the needs of my bodym thus allowing myself the wiggle room to push off Thursdays run to Friday if need be and it won't 'affect' my schedule.  Yeah, if I'm scheduled to run Thursday and I don't do it, I know me.  I'll be down on myself because 'I was scheduled and I didn't do it'.  This way I have the wiggle room on the days that I knew would be most difficult for me.  (Sundays is my long run day.....Saturdays are hit or miss so I made it on Sundays.  If I get the log run in on Saturday, awesome.  If not, and I do it on Sunday then I'm right on Schedule!)  Yeah, it's a mind game...but that's all good.

So let me back up a bit before I go on with my 'supposed' rest day.    A week or two ago my nephew came down sick.  My other nephew followed a few days later and it's been like slow falling dominos since then.  And it's not a 'sick and then well'  it seems to be a sick and linger and then just when you think life is grand again reoccurring ickiness.    I had hoped and prayed that I would not succumb.  NO WAY!   I don't have time for that stuff!  I have a life to lead.  I have a half marathon to train for.  I have plans!    

And of course here is a picture of the culprits and carriers of the dreaded bug! 

Well, on Tuesday afternoon I started noticing a tickle in my throat/chest that caused me to cough.  A dry cough that emphasized the tightness in my chest.   I rolled with it.  I hoped for the best.   Wednesday it was a bit more regular but I still went to zumba.   I actually made it through the class and really didn't have many issues.  I noticed the tightness in my chest but it wasn't bad enough to make me stop.    This morning (Thursday) I woke up and boy was my chest tight. The cough was there and my voice was DEEP.  Yeah, this was not looking good.  I

I laid in bed for a bit and then decided.....lets get this 3 mile run over with today.  I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow and I'd rather do it today and be done just in case.  And if I feel fabulous tomorrow.....well then the run is done anyway and I can enjoy my early afternoon off of work without the specter of a run marring the afternoon.  So out I went.

I did surprisingly well.  A few times I felt as if I couldn't get a deep enough breath of air, but nothing major. (ha ha ha as if breathing isn't major!)  The last half mile or so my chest was HURTING.  Hurting as in my first thought was, "Holy cow, I'm having a heart attack"  until I remember that my chest had been tight and I just ran 3 miles.     My time?   I am proud to say that the run portion of my run this morning was only 1 second slower per mile than my run portion from Tuesday.  not bad.  

Yes, my pace is showing on the pic a lot slower because I had already started my cool down walk and I was getting my picture so I could calculate my running pace. I do NOT run at a 20 minute pace!  

So I got home, had a piece of toast, packed my lunch, showered and I headed out to work. I decided to stop at a pharmacy to pick up some medication. No, I don't need medication at this point.  But I decided to douse this cold with some Vitamin C.  So I picked up some Airborne type medicine. (ok, I'm cheap and bought the store brand, which we all know is usually made by the same company)  and some cough drops in case the coughing starts to annoy me.  Yes, I know I should have been doing the Airborne stuff since they first got sick and not wait until I showed the first signs...but this is how I roll!   

Don't be a hater.....I wanted the yummy tasting cough drops!  

Drat at 15 calories a cough drop.....do I have to count them if I succumb to the pressure/need to use them???

Which hand should I chose?

I am torn between disgust and elation.   So ok, here it is.

I had my weigh in today.  I've been weighing myself regularly and I've watched the numbers slide lower and lower on the scale (ok, they would be sliding if I didn't have a digital scale).  It's been good.   Yesterday morning I was ecstatic about my weight.  This morning, not so much.  I gained six tenths of a pound between yesterday and today.   Yesterday I ran over three miles.  I made good choices for breakfast and lunch and......well for dinner I went to Cici's pizza.  (My nephew will be so ashamed of me...he hates Cici's Pizza.)  I did have a salad.  I did have 3 slices of pizza.  I did have a brownie.  And oh my word, their breadsticks are possibly the best around. (Yes, this was my first foray into the world of Cici's pizza).  So yes, I had something like 2 or 3 bread stick bites.  As I was eating I was worried about my weigh in today.   Pizza?  Really?   The night before a weigh in???   What was I thinking?    I'll tell you what I was thinking.....the other option was a Chinese buffet.  ha ha ha. 

That said?   I entered my food into the tracker and I will say that I ate  1732 calories yesterday.  Including what I earned, I STILL had 163 calories left over at the end of the day.  HOWEVER, sadly enough...my body is stupid and if I eat a ton of my earned calories then I don't lose weight.  (Yes, this is sad...but something I realize and just work with.)  Just one of those quirks of individualism in this weight loss journey.

I seriously contemplated just taking yesterdays weight as my 'official' weekly weigh in.  But then I  realized that that was cheating.  And regardless, I needed to face the music.   Just do it!

So this morning I stepped onto the scales.   249.6   A gain....from yesterday.  BUT that equates to a 4.4 pound loss from last Wednesday...and I can OFFICIALLY say that I am out of that 5 pound vortex.   The goal for this week is to STAY out of that vortex and get further away.  

So elation....but disgust that I didn't hold onto the lower Tuesday morning weigh in number.    Ok ok ok....I'm going to chose happiness and elation and move forward!

Meanwhile, I'm staying busy.   Trying to enjoy life.   Getting out....geocaching when I can...seeing new things when I can....trying to reinvent myself...it's proving to be a long process.  :-) 

I'm looking for peace and happiness and rolling in that direction.  :-)

Unplugged

I decided this morning to go out for my run totally unplugged.  Little did I know how unplugged I was going to be!

I ran the Krumpe's run relatively unplugged.  I didn't run any tracking app.  I didn't run any heart rate monitor.  I listened to music and just trusted the timing device provided by the race organizers.  It worked and I pushed myself and did ok.  So this morning when I got ready to head out for my run, I decided to go unplugged.  I decided to listen to music and have mapmyrun track my progress.   That would only interrupt me every mile...which would be good so that I didn't cut my run too short.  (Scheduled 4 miles today.)

All was good.  I hit the music and headed out.  2 songs into my run the voice in the headphones interrupted me to say "charge me"   Ohhhhhh heck.....my heart sank.  I never tested how long I could run after I go the message to charge my headphones.   I hoped it was an hour, as that was how long I was planning that my run would probably be.  As I ran, I thought about my path and decided on the route that I would take to make it roughly 4 miles.  All was good  And then the voice reminded me to 'charge me' again.   Thanks for the notice...but I kept running, I had a run scheduled and I was NOT going to be deterred.  No way...no how!    Just shy of a mile and my headphones went dead.  Yup....silent.   That means no music, no notifications of the miles.  Just me, my thoughts and my feet pounding the pavement.  

I ran the first mile or so with no breaks.  The second mile I broke for about 30 seconds to a minute mid mile.  The third mile I ran with no breaks.  And the fourth mile...well I walked a few more times.  (And of course rough estimates of mileage since I had no voice whispering in my ear).    

I got to where I assumed would be roughly the 4 mile mark and I was almost dead on!  I was right.  3.96 miles.  So I ran onward and then walked the other three tenths of a mile home.  First 'long' run of half marathon training completed.  (and yes, I know that 'long' is a relative term and in a few weeks I will be saying "four miles is a short run!")

I got home and drank some water....lots of water. 

Did I say I drank some water??   I must remember that in the heat, with longer runs, I am going to have to carry some water with me.  I made myself a bacon (turkey bacon), egg and cheese sandwich ate it with some strawberries and called it a morning.

Some geocaching, lunch out (Panera Bread Strawberry Poppy seed chicken salad is SOOOO yummy..I hate to see it leave when the season ends) and then a visit with my friend.  Home in the evening for some backed zuchini parmesan and a movie (I finally joined the world and saw the Disney Movie, "Frozen") and just some relaxing.    I closed out the evening with some Vanilla Oreo Cookies.  Yum!   Fun, productive (laundry completed amidst my days activities) and relaxing!

And if you didn't notice?  My eating is spot on today!   I have been stuck in a 5 pound weight vortex for the last bunch of months.  On Wednesday I was at the top end of my 5 pound range at 254.  I kept food pretty solid through Thursday and Friday and yesterday I was at 250 when I woke up.  I was determined.   TOTALLY determined to not mess this up. I ate breakfast......I ate a basic lunch (emphasis on fruits and veggies) and I planned out my dinner.  I knew my family was going to Southwest Moe's.  I looked at the calories and realized that I could 'afford' an Art Vandalay JUNIOR and the side of chips.   I didn't succumb to the full sized Art.  I ate the Junior.  I didn't succumb to the queso.  I didn't succumb to the extra chips.  I ate what I had the calories for. And guess what?   This morning my weight was 249.8.   Holy Moley!  I dropped below the vortex!   So yes, my food today....calculated and planned.  I was actually spot on at my planned calorie count today, with the exception of the oreos.  The oreos were over my 1200 calories, however according to mapmyrun, I earned just shy of 1000 calories...and geocaching usually nets me a mile or two of walking.  So I'm not worried about the 227 calories of those four cookies.  :-)     

Yesterday I had the fun of going to the most interesting bike race.  High wheels....the old fashioned bicycles.  How fun!  :-)

Do it or not.....

Tonight was the Donut Alley Rally 5k.   Part of me REALLY wanted to do it.  After All, I have done this run for the last few years.   But then part of me really did NOT want to do this run.  After All, I haven't had a good run in AGES. My runs have been dismal and painful.  I really had a lack luster approach.  When my parents asked if I was doing it, I replied "I'm supposed to be doing it"  and the next time I answered, "I'm registered to do it."   Notice there was no commitment in those responses.  None at all.  I went and picked up my packet on Thursday night and I STILL was not overly committed to doing this run.  I may have actually prayed that something would happen to keep me from doing it.  I went back and forth.  I dind't expect a great run....I expected a dismal run actually.

I still didn't have a clue if I was going to do it when I left work on Friday at 2.  I filled my afternoon with activities (I went out and picked up a couple geocaches.)  I went back home and lounged around.  Really, I had no clue what was happening.

Finally I decided to do it.  I threw on the first exercise clothes that I touched.  Nope, there was definitely NO thought or planning.  And I prepared to leave.  My brother said this would probably e my best and most favorite run because I was heading into it with no expectations so there could be no disappointments.

I knew that since this was a timed event that I would have an official time.  So I opted to not even run any GPS tracking on my phone.  I actually out of habit put on my heart rate monitor chest strap, but I never tracked a single heart beat.  I just ran.  

Off I went.  I killed some time before the run and had a few minutes to talk to my friend Kristen.  I talked a few minutes via Facebook with another friend that was doing the run and before I knew it, it was time to start.

  The gun went off and we were off.  Ok, if you've ever run a race you know it's more like we were 'crawling'.   I started to run.  A nice easy pace..but I ran.  I made it about a mile and a quarter to a mile and a half before I took a little walk break.  The last half of the run I intervaled it out....no set intervals, just run walk at what felt good.   

It wasn't exactly pretty.  It wasn't exactly a great run.  But you know what?????  It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  And that first mile and a half stretch of running.....VICTORY!!!!!!

My results.....I've run a 5k faster.....but you know what?  I've run a slower 5k before (more than once).

By golly, maybe I CAN do this half marathon!!!!!

Run Run as fast as you can......that's all that's needed. MY best!

How is my running going this week?   Well.  I went out for my run on Tuesday, my scheduled run day.  It was not pretty.  Not at all. My leg HURT.  I started almost immediately.  I kept going because I was hoping that this muscle (or whatever) would loosen up and I would feel better.

Right there...that muscle (ignore the hole in my sock please!)

The run was interesting.  I swerved down an alley that I don't normally run and it was pretty cool.  Different scenery is always awesome.  It was quiet and peaceful.  That is it was quiet and peaceful until the collie that was hiding in the bushes lunged at me.  Yes, there was a fence between us, but I swear I jumped 5 feet!!!!!

I made it about 3/4 of a mile and I just knew that I couldn't do it.  I turned around and ended my run early.  NOT a great run for my first week of half marathon training...and not a good last run before the 2015 Donut Alley Rally 5k.   (Friday night).  This is my third time to do this run.  My first time was a pretty decent time and I was actually just getting back to running after a case of plantars fasciitis.   My second time was 'eh'.    We shall see what happens with my time.  I don't expect great things. 

I've been filled with LOTS of self doubt about running and being able to complete the races that I am registered for.  Yes, this 5K  and even bigger the 1/2 marathon in October.  Lots of self doubt!  Seriously, I must be crazy for even thinking I can do this.

So I've been a bit worried and down about my running.   The other day a friend from college put a picture on Facebook and the caption/meme said "Don't forget, no matter how slow you are going, you are lapping everyone that is still sitting on the couch"   I've seen that before but totally needed to hear it.    But the REAL pick me up came from a gal I've never met.    I just follow her on Facebook because, like me she is working to lose weight.  She has run various races.  I know there is at LEAST one half marathon....but I'm pretty sure a couple halves are under her belt.   The other day she posted a picture of her watch and stats.  She was so proud of he fact that she had run her fastest 2 miles...EVER.  (she went on to say at least that she has a record of). I was happy for her. Very happy.  I like people to succeed.  She has trained to run and has run consistently so she deserved it right?   But then I did a double take at the times displayed on the watch. 2 miles in 27.44 minutes. I have done the math over and over that is a 13.52 minute mile.   Why am I stressing about my pace?   She is proud of hers......and while I have done better in the past.....that is in the past....right now mine is very similar to hers...and I need to learn to be PROUD that I am out there running!!!

My baby kitty Ethel (ok, she is actually a geriatric kitty) has discovered that when I am at home, she can come over and stand at my chair and cry and get what she wants.  What does she want?   She has a really bad case of arthritis that makes it difficult for her to walk and near impossible for her to jump. She can get up on my bed because I have a ramp of sorts for her to use.  (She can use that on good days).  Otherwise she lays on blankets and pillows that I have for her.  (No worries.....she isn't in pain...she isn't miserable.  She is a happy little kitty cat and I will NOT let her suffer when her time comes).   So anyway, she comes to my chair and cries.  I lift her up and she lays on my chest for at least an hour or two.   Yes, I don't move her...she's a cat, I don't make cats move!   So here is a picture of my baby Ethel and I!!!

Smelly dishrag

I don't normally post intensely personal stuff...but today I'm going to because it's made me realize some things about myself.  And while this is a weight loss blog, life intertwines together.  The foot-bone is connected to the ankle bone and the ankle bone is connected to the.......(or however that song goes).  It's all connected.

This week I may have lost a friend. She made a comment about my divorce proceedings.  It was something that I knew to be wrong.   Normally I would just shut my mouth and smile and nod and let the other person go on believing that they were right.  I don't like to hurt peoples feelings.  I like peace.  This week I just couldn't do it.  I don't know why....was it because the stars were aligned perfectly?  Was there a high tide?  A southeast wind blowing?   Who knows.  But I stopped her and said "Actually you are wrong.  That is not true."  She didn't take it well and began to argue her point and wouldn't listen when I said that I had court documents stating that my words were true.  She just kept arguing.  She wouldn't listen  when I said I had actually talked to court representatives.  She just kept arguing her point....and her arguments started to change and were contradictory (yes, I called her on that too).  She didn't listen when I said that under oath they had me affirm that I understood the procedures and wait and all that.  Eventually she ran off screaming and left.  She has 'tried' to apologize...but it was and has been followed by the words "However" and "But"  as she continues to argue her point.  

Here is the weird part.  I feel strangely at peace.  Probably more peaceful than I have felt in a LONG time.  I'm tired of being a dishrag that just accepts the verbal vomit of others.  Be it lies, incorrect information or whatever.  It insults my intelligence to smile and nod and 'publically accept it'.  I'm not saying that I'm going to argue every point. I'm not saying that there isn't a time and a place.  I"m saying that I'm tired of being made to feel inadequate and stupid.....when I am nothing near inadequate and stupid.   I don't need to be a dishrag that is just limp and meek.  

I've decided that I will be running alone and training alone.  Running with a partner has not been good for me.  My running partner usually runs 3-5 feet ahead of me.  Always making me feel (are you ready for it...here it comes).....inadequate.  I'm always chasing her because "I'm the slow one".  Running alone I will run for ME.  I did incredible when I was training by myself before.  Absolutely incredible. And I will do incredible again!  

So today I went out running.  I ran for ME!  I didn't run 3 feet behind someone.  I didn't have anyone 'encouraging' me.   And actually today I ran one of my FASTEST half miles in MONTHS....and it was at the tail end of my 3 miles!...so I guess it's working already!  Now don't get too excited.   It's still SLOW!  But I feel hopeful about running for the first time in weeks...no months!

I may be home a bit more and by myself a bit more.  But you know what?  I kinda like my own company.  Maybe it's time to write again.  Maybe it's time to be me!   And in finding me....maybe I can finally conquer this weight once and for all!  I know that emotions....stress....and all of that plays a HUGE part in weight loss.  So hopefully!   

The Boss

Why yes, I was losing weight and doing really good.  And why yes, it all seemed to crumble around me this week.   Ok, maybe not that bad.   However, the numbers on the scales were REALLY up yesterday.  Like 4 pounds up.  It could just be an aberration due to a few factors (dehydration, water retention, etc etc etc).  No worries.  Ok, maybe we should be a bit worried because I DID have a dessert at Panera bread yesterday....uhhhhhhhh.....   And well there MAY have been cheese fries on Monday!!!

This week has been emotional.  The break-up of my marriage was necessary.  For both of us really.  We were both unhappy in a marriage and hanging on because we were still friends.  Yes, even through the worst of it, we would have a day where we got away and just enjoyed each others companionship and friendship.  Even when I wanted to beat him up for what he did and how he broke my heart....I still enjoyed his friendship.   So lets be honest.....it's hard because by leaving the marriage I have lost the companionship and friendship of someone that has been in my life for 17 years of my life.  Do I want to go back?  No, as a husband he was horrible. But I'm put into a weird position of watching my friends and family gasp in horror when I do spend time, as a friend; with my ex.  I'm put in the weird position of picking up my ex and feeling sadness as I see the property that we owned (ok, I'm still on the title...but that's just a technicality.)   I long for some aspects of the marriage....but I revel in the freedom of being out of an emotionally harmful situation.  It's really a rather odd dichotomous mix of feelings.  And I know that it has affected my eating...my weight....my life.  I've got choices though.  I made choices and I have to follow the path...and come out on the top....weight wise and otherwise too!!!   I have remember that this is not a failure...how I react to the stress and emotions are the failure or win!!!

I will be 'the boss' when I am through!!!

Running....GAH.   Difficult at best. My half marathon training begins on August 9th.  I am barely, where I need to be.  But I am going to persevere and do this.  Nothing is going to keep me down.   I am going to push myself...I am going to run my heart out.  I am going to push past whatever issue is holding me back.  Ok, if possibly....my arthritic knees hurt.  My foot issue (the one that I have struggled with since I was young...as in 10 or so) is rearing its ugly head after years of no issues.   My planters fasciitis is alive and kicking (so far I've been able to keep it just at a twinge).   My body is fighting against this progress but I'm going to fight back.  I KNOW that if I fight back....my body and legs and knees will be stronger (and I will be thinner) and that the pain will most likely recede.  And...well....I will 'be the boss'!

I've taken up the hobby of geocaching...it is fun.  Cheap entertainment.  It also gets me up off the couch and moving......sometimes not as much as others (depending on where the caches are located and how far I park from the site).  Anything to keep me busy and moving.  That's the important thing I think.  (If you don't know what it is....look it up....  geocaching.com)

Look at the itty bitty container that contains a log sheet!!!

What a cute baby ammo box....threw off the hunt as I was thinking 'big'. Or rather normal sized ammo box!!!!

I need to LIVE Life.   Enjoy the ride.   Have fun.  Keep myself busy.   Run the hell off of my legs and the gas out of my car.   Happiness...that's the goal!!!!  And for me, that will be a compromise of panera bread snack stops and cheese fries on a rare occasion.  It will be road trips.   Movies.  Good food.  Long walks and sunsets.   Moderation and control....and enjoy life!!!

A day of rest

Thursday runs have been notoriously brutal lately.   I think it's because I run on the weekend, Zumba (step Zumba to boot) on Mondays, run on Tuesday, Zumba on Wednesday and then run on Thursday. Friday's are my day of rest.     So by Thursday my legs are shot and boy am I ready for that day of rest.     This week I decided that my plan was stupid.   Utterly flawed.  So I'm swapping out my rest days.  Rest in Thursday...run on Friday.  If it's my early Friday I can run on Saturday.  Not a biggie.   And being tired for that last night of Zumba is not a problem...I can tone down my movements and not be as energetic of my body is dragging.  :-). 

This change will put me in perfect alignment for the next two Friday nights.   Why yes.  August 7th I will be doing the glow run at Marty snook park at 9PM.  And on August 14th I will be doing the rumors donut alley rally at 7:30pm. Two Friday's in a row...her we go!!!  These runs will be perfect motivation for me...they are awesome for putting a pep in my step for running.  (And the free rumors donuts aren't bad either!!)

Food wise I am doing well.   My weight is steadily dropping.  I'm happy and celebrating that. I will be tickled when I get out of this 5 pound vortex that I've been stuck in!!!   Soon!!!!

I'm not monitoring my food like a nazi.  Not am I obsessing about calories.  I'm just trying to make better choices...eat less...and just figure this out one day at a time.  I am tracking....Hahahaha.  And sadly, the delicious desserts that my mom bakes to sell...I've had to say farewell to them for now.  :(