Well, I was so utterly proud of myself yesterday. I feel as if I manuevered and managed that potluck so good! I ate a little bit of baked beans and the rest of my meal...FRUIT! I did go back mid afternoon to grab another strawberry (actually two) but I stayed away from all the yummy looking fattening foods. I didn't have any going away cake, no punch..nuttin! I came home and ate healthy for dinner.
Today looking at my eating I have to look at it relatively. I don't feel as if I've been bad. Especially when I look at what I would have 'previously' before this new lifestyle would have eaten. We went out to Hoss's. I ate probably more than I normally do now...but soooo much better than previously. OK...I just wrote it down in my journal. With my dinner....I am actually only 1 point over for today. That's not bad! And knowing that I didnt blow my whole day, will make it that much easier for me to not eat poorly tonight and snack away! I was actually proud of myself. I had picked up a piece of garlic bread to eat. It looked sooooo good...all buttery and toasty. BUT, when I tasted it..they had put too much garlic on it......it wasnt bad..but it didn't taste good. I ate a bite..and put it aside and didn't touch it again. Likewise, I had gotten some applesauce for my dessert (off the salad bar). I tasted it...and it tasted like crap. (OK, it also wasn't bad...but I'm used to my own homemade applesauec..and nothing compares to homemade/home canned applesauce). I took one bite and decided that even though it was a fruit...it wasn't worth it! I put that aside.
Todd and I walked through the mall after lunch. I bought two more skirts today. They are really cute. I can't wait to wear them. :-) Theywere on sale at JcPenney's....but one get one for a dollar. Not too bad. So I basically got them about $15 a piece. They are adorable. I actually saw them last week when I was shopping with mom...but I Couldn't find them when we first walked through the store. I saw them on the way out of hte mall (we had parked outside of Penney's)...but by that time I had spent my money and I was tired. I didn't feel like trying anything else on! I'll admit...I went into the mall with the thought of getting the skirt today. And I went ahead and just got two....I'd be a fool to pay full price for one and ignore the second one that I could get for a buck! :-) Straight up size 12! It seems as if I'm a solid size 12. WOO HOOO!
Ohhh yeah, then we walked by B MOss. I saw the most adorable sundress in the window. It was a white background with red flowers all over it. ABSOLUTELY adorable. I went in to try it on. They had a size 10 and a size 14. The 14 was too big...the 10 was too small. It was 50% off also. Shucks! Oh well...that still woul dhave been $40. And I haven't even worn this last sundress that I bought! LOL
Todd and I went into the dreaded yucky walmart. Got a few things in there....and hightailed it out of there as quickly as possible. After walmart we headed to Martins to get our groceries. Nope, I don't do groceries at walmart. I won't lie and say that I"ve never done it...but we go mostly organic and natural. In our area, Martins is pretty much the best mainstream grocery store for buying that kind of product. Groceries bought, we came home...I put everything away, cleaned my produce/fruit (this week it's bananas, apples, grapes, cherries, and strawberries...yummy) and whipped up a batch of watergate salad for Todd. I sat around a bit talking to todd....adn now here I am. YEp, my day has just been super exciting hasn't it? Woo hooo. It was nice to get out though.
I really should get on the exercise bike tonight. But I think I'm going to skip it tonight. I've ridden like a demon this week. I will get back on tomorrow...without fail! :-)
Emotionally, I'm feeling really blue. Nothing too much about my weight. Yeah, I'm disgusted that my weight is flucuating...but I'm not too worried about it...I'm going to muscle through the 180 wall that is before me. It's just life in general. HOnestly I'll also admit that my mind is stuck and dwelling on a problem that I face in my daily life. ANd that just sucks the joy from me. I know it happens...and I know that just recognizing it should make it easier to shake these feelings from me......but it's so much easier said than done.
Even though I'm blue and down though...I refuse to let it suck my self confidence again!!!!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
The excuse for my weight issues!!!
What perfect timing to get this cartoon in my email. I've found the excuse for my weight woes!
The 'weight god's' are smiling upon me (haa haa haa...the weight gods...that's so nutty and sacrilegious) BUT, I came to work with my fruit tray, I walked into the back door and hallelujah the pot luck was set up in the back hallway! Normally we set it up on the counter right behind the teller line. AND to make matters better, I am not at the drive through window...which is RIGHT BESIDE the food today! I was a bit worried about having to sit here and actually look at the food all day. So I'm one happy camper! I am however getting hungry.....fruit fruit, here I come! :-) And if I'm lucky there will something else that I can possibly eat. I'm not doing it if it's not healthy though. SO it may just be fruit for me to eat. AND, I'm going to only use the dip minimally. :-)
I will beat this!
Come on 10AM...so I can go to work!
I'm bored this morning. I woke up early and got everything that needed to be done completed and finished by 7AM....including a 9.87 mile ride, preparing a fruit tray, dinner in the crockpot, dishes washed, showered, dressed, bed made. Dang I was good. SO here I sit, waiting to go to work at 10AM...bored. SO I started playing with my digital camera and the timer. HEre is a not so bad picture of me....although my teeth look kinda weird and as you can tell, I'm letting my hair dry naturally, so it's still a bit wet. OH well
What the..... This morning my weight was up like two pounds! IT's the same pattern. I dip into the 170's and then boom, I jump back up! I DO know that I had a heavier meal...lots of carbs last night. AND this mornings weigh in was earlier than I normally weigh in and just before some normal morning routines. HOwever.....damn. I think I'm going to focus for the next few days and pretty much ignore the scales here at home. It's just going to frustrate me to no end.
Maybe this little spike was what I needed to help me stay focused at the pot luck today. I know that honestly it makes me want to give in and eat like a pig because I feel that 'I may as well...the weight is gonna sky rocket anyway'. BUT, I can't adopt that fatalistic attitude!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Thursday evening check in
My legs are tired today after my workout. I can feel some muscle soreness in my calves. I dont' normally feel that after a ride...so it's kinda cool. I guess it's a combo of the big ride today...the small ride yesterday and HOURS of climbing up and down a ladder yesterday. WHatever it is...I"m good with it.
We had pancakes for dinner tonight. I had a huge portion. However, I'm not too worried. I had the points for them. AND, knowing that I was going to have pancakes tonight, I watched my carb intake today. NO toast for me. :-)
Tomorrow is a pot luck at work. I am a bit worried. I was goign to forgo it totally. I mean, I was goign to take something...just not eat. And the teller supervisor had a fit saying things like, "You ARE going to eat" and stuff like that. SHe was like, "You can have a little of everything" The problem being...I know me..I can't just stop with a 'little' of everything. That is the problem. If I start, I will not be able to stop. SOOOOOO to appease everyone, I'm taking a fruit tray and a fruit dip. As long as I stay away from the fruit dip, I"ll be ok! I plan on having ONE serving of fruit dip. :-) I am losing weight. There is NO way I want to mess that up! NO way! It's taken me soooo long to get the weight going down.
We had pancakes for dinner tonight. I had a huge portion. However, I'm not too worried. I had the points for them. AND, knowing that I was going to have pancakes tonight, I watched my carb intake today. NO toast for me. :-)
Tomorrow is a pot luck at work. I am a bit worried. I was goign to forgo it totally. I mean, I was goign to take something...just not eat. And the teller supervisor had a fit saying things like, "You ARE going to eat" and stuff like that. SHe was like, "You can have a little of everything" The problem being...I know me..I can't just stop with a 'little' of everything. That is the problem. If I start, I will not be able to stop. SOOOOOO to appease everyone, I'm taking a fruit tray and a fruit dip. As long as I stay away from the fruit dip, I"ll be ok! I plan on having ONE serving of fruit dip. :-) I am losing weight. There is NO way I want to mess that up! NO way! It's taken me soooo long to get the weight going down.
Just a thought!
SOme quotes that hit me today..paraphrased
It's all about rebuilding a self image. I need to take a look at my achievments and feel a sense of accomplishment in them. I need to be the girl that CAN and I need to be the girl that DOES! NOt the girl that quits because it's hard. I need to change my perspective!
That just totally hit me.....That is something that just hit me within the last few weeks. SO to hear it coming at me (from the biggest loser austrailian season 1...episode 31) was a good reminder that I'm on track.
Meanwhile, my weight is going down a bit! WOO HOOO! I actually rode the bike this morning. 18.3 miles! INstead of doing two separate rides...I just did a long one! :-) THus far this week, two days in; my mileage is at 37.62 miles! Awesome!
It's all about rebuilding a self image. I need to take a look at my achievments and feel a sense of accomplishment in them. I need to be the girl that CAN and I need to be the girl that DOES! NOt the girl that quits because it's hard. I need to change my perspective!
That just totally hit me.....That is something that just hit me within the last few weeks. SO to hear it coming at me (from the biggest loser austrailian season 1...episode 31) was a good reminder that I'm on track.
Meanwhile, my weight is going down a bit! WOO HOOO! I actually rode the bike this morning. 18.3 miles! INstead of doing two separate rides...I just did a long one! :-) THus far this week, two days in; my mileage is at 37.62 miles! Awesome!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
A day off well spent....now I"m well spent
BUSY BUSY BUSY day....and it was/is my day off of work! I got up at around 6Am. I did some work here at my desk, such as organizing my 'dump it in' bin, payed a few bills, copied a few dvd's, took my measurements for the month of May, updated my weight loss charts, that kind of thing. I then took off on a mad cleaning dash through the house. Toilets, floors, tables, nothing was untouched! I was a cleaning machine. I was outside by 9Am. I painted. And I painted. I did take a break for lunch. BUt immediately following that I painted. Then I painted some more. ANd then, just because that wasn't enough, I painted. FINALLY, I decided to call it quits for the day. I came inside and hopped onto the exercise bike and rode! I didn't ride too overly far or too overly long. BUt I rode. 7.38 miles. I ran out to the kitchen and put dinner in the oven. AND then FINALLY jumped into the shower. THe hot water felt soooo good. THe only problem. I had already done a few loads of laundry, washed some dishes and Todd had been i the shower. THe hot water didn't last all that long. ARRGGHH Oh well...it was good while it lasted.
Dinner...what the heck. I made scalloped potatoes. I've made this recipe a million ga-jillion times. ANd I was soooo hungry. SO when it was time to eat and I served them up....ick...they were still hard. Ok, they weren't hard...they just weren't totally soft. What's up with that. They were in the oven the full length of time...actually even longer than should be. ARRGGHHH OH well...everything else was tasty.
Hopefully my day of activity will show pleasant results on the scales tomorrow! This morning, I was only down .2 pounds from my yesterday morning home weight (yesterday was 180.6.....today was 180.4) I can't wait until I actually see the 170's on my home scales also! THen I will KNOW that I"m there.
Talking to Todd about my reward that I set for myself for the 170's. It was to go away on a day trip. I still want to do it. But we have soooo much dang work around the house here. And we have a self imposed deadline to get it done. SO all our time off gets sucked into these projects. I'm going to reward my self with the clothes taht I bought on Sunday. And give myself a little shopping trip every 5 pounds as a reward. :-) ONce we get some of these projects off our plates, then I"ll revisit the idea of going on a day trip! We'll see. The car stero is still my 164 goal though!
I'm planning on making pancakes and canadian bacon for a meal tomorrow. That sounds SOO Good to me. MY mouth is watering just thinkign about it. Yes, I'll eat healthy the rest of the day to compensate for it! AND exercise to beat the band. I"m actually hoping to get two rides in tomorrow. I watch the biggest loser austrailian season one while riding on the indoor bike currently. Tomorrow should be a normal 30 minute episode. And that would put me in line for an hour long episode on Friday. HOWEVER, with my work...it would be best for me to do a shorter ride on Friday. SOOO I"m going to try to ride twice tomorrow 1.5 hours. :-) We'll see. Honestly, like normal, I"ll be happy with one ride :-)
Dinner...what the heck. I made scalloped potatoes. I've made this recipe a million ga-jillion times. ANd I was soooo hungry. SO when it was time to eat and I served them up....ick...they were still hard. Ok, they weren't hard...they just weren't totally soft. What's up with that. They were in the oven the full length of time...actually even longer than should be. ARRGGHHH OH well...everything else was tasty.
Hopefully my day of activity will show pleasant results on the scales tomorrow! This morning, I was only down .2 pounds from my yesterday morning home weight (yesterday was 180.6.....today was 180.4) I can't wait until I actually see the 170's on my home scales also! THen I will KNOW that I"m there.
Talking to Todd about my reward that I set for myself for the 170's. It was to go away on a day trip. I still want to do it. But we have soooo much dang work around the house here. And we have a self imposed deadline to get it done. SO all our time off gets sucked into these projects. I'm going to reward my self with the clothes taht I bought on Sunday. And give myself a little shopping trip every 5 pounds as a reward. :-) ONce we get some of these projects off our plates, then I"ll revisit the idea of going on a day trip! We'll see. The car stero is still my 164 goal though!
I'm planning on making pancakes and canadian bacon for a meal tomorrow. That sounds SOO Good to me. MY mouth is watering just thinkign about it. Yes, I'll eat healthy the rest of the day to compensate for it! AND exercise to beat the band. I"m actually hoping to get two rides in tomorrow. I watch the biggest loser austrailian season one while riding on the indoor bike currently. Tomorrow should be a normal 30 minute episode. And that would put me in line for an hour long episode on Friday. HOWEVER, with my work...it would be best for me to do a shorter ride on Friday. SOOO I"m going to try to ride twice tomorrow 1.5 hours. :-) We'll see. Honestly, like normal, I"ll be happy with one ride :-)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Tuesday update
Ok...got home from work at about two-thirty. I sat around and talked to Todd a bit until he left at about three. I motivated myself to get outside and mow the yard. I was out on the mower until about 4. I came in and putzed around for the next half hour to 45 minutes which is when I left to go to my weight watchers meeting. TOdd and I had decided for me to go to the early weight watcher meeting while he was volunteering at the soup kitchen. I would then stick around and chit chat with my normal meeting mates when the came in until he was done...and then we would meet up for dinner. We went to Corsi's. IT was very good!
SOOOOOO now that I have wasted all this time......lets cut to the chase. My most unrealistic (yet still plausible with a long stretch of my imagination...hopes and dresams) was for me to make it to the 170's. I thought that after the icing incident that it was shot. This morning I kinda hoped, but I didn't want to think about it too overly much. Well, tonight I weighed in at 179.8. I squeeked into the 170's! I made it. Now I've just got to STAY here! I can do it! And I will do it! These last two weeks have been collosal weeks of weight loss for me. I know and fully expect my weight loss to slow down a bit. I'm ok with that...as long as it remains going down nice and steady! This also puts me at 15 pounds from my weight watchers goal!!! Woo hooo! I'm rolling now! :-)
SOOOOOO now that I have wasted all this time......lets cut to the chase. My most unrealistic (yet still plausible with a long stretch of my imagination...hopes and dresams) was for me to make it to the 170's. I thought that after the icing incident that it was shot. This morning I kinda hoped, but I didn't want to think about it too overly much. Well, tonight I weighed in at 179.8. I squeeked into the 170's! I made it. Now I've just got to STAY here! I can do it! And I will do it! These last two weeks have been collosal weeks of weight loss for me. I know and fully expect my weight loss to slow down a bit. I'm ok with that...as long as it remains going down nice and steady! This also puts me at 15 pounds from my weight watchers goal!!! Woo hooo! I'm rolling now! :-)
First we'll talk about something that I just found...then we'll get to my weight and how I'm doing.
I'm at work today and I'm just killing time. I decided to go online and take an IQ test. I'm always fascinated to see if the results are close to where they should be (yeah, I've had my IQ officially tested a few times in the past). Well, I got bored taking IQ tests online (yeah, they tested me relatively close to my official iq...one was 10-15 points lower (this one also timed how long it took me for my responses.....and since I'm at work having to stop to attend to customers, that would account for that). The other one put me at about 6-7 points low...so that's not too bad). OK...anyway...I moved on to personality tests, talents tests and all sorts of things like that. I'm apparently very verbal (duh) and very creative and adventurous. Well, I took a temptation test. And I actually answered the food temptation questions really good....because right now I'm hot on the eating scene. This was my results:
Maryfran, when it comes to temptation you're a Hedonist
It has become apparent that the word "no" is not one you use too often. In fact, it seems you just might have replaced it with "sure," "pour it on," and "I'll take it." As a Hedonist, you probably see no reason to put limits on pleasure. When the little angel of your conscience arrives on your shoulder to challenge your indulgent side, it's usually knocked off by that little devil who's never too far away from your decisions.It seems that extravagance to you is a way of life, not an isolated event. And discipline is a punishment that you choose not to employ — it's overrated anyway. All this good stuff is here for a reason, right? Someone's gotta have fun with it and you only live once!
Woah, does that explain why I was able to eat my way up to 300 plus pounds? And that's kinda scary that I apparently have no control over my temptations! woah doggie!
On to my weight. I weighed myself this morning. I was 180.6. So I'm ok. I was hoping to make it to the 170's this week. BUt you know...there is always next week! (Not to mention that the official weigh in hasn't occured yet...not that I expect a miracle..but you never know...sometimes it does weigh me less at my meeting!) I think I'm going to go to the early meeting. I work until 2 today...so I can make an earlier meeting. Todd volunteers at the soup kitchen tonight. SO since we will both be in town, we are thinking about meeting up afterwards and going out to dinner. It means that tomorrow on our day off that we will stay closer to home.....and eat at home...thus saving a extra trip to town! Which isn't a problem. But since we are already both going to be in town tonight, it just makes sense! :-)
I've been doing very good with the weight thing. Other than the other day, I've managed to pull myself together and keep it under control. :-) WOo hooo. Haven't exercised today...but then I wasn't plannign on it...a I do need a day of rest. SOOOOO anyway!
I'm at work today and I'm just killing time. I decided to go online and take an IQ test. I'm always fascinated to see if the results are close to where they should be (yeah, I've had my IQ officially tested a few times in the past). Well, I got bored taking IQ tests online (yeah, they tested me relatively close to my official iq...one was 10-15 points lower (this one also timed how long it took me for my responses.....and since I'm at work having to stop to attend to customers, that would account for that). The other one put me at about 6-7 points low...so that's not too bad). OK...anyway...I moved on to personality tests, talents tests and all sorts of things like that. I'm apparently very verbal (duh) and very creative and adventurous. Well, I took a temptation test. And I actually answered the food temptation questions really good....because right now I'm hot on the eating scene. This was my results:
Maryfran, when it comes to temptation you're a Hedonist
It has become apparent that the word "no" is not one you use too often. In fact, it seems you just might have replaced it with "sure," "pour it on," and "I'll take it." As a Hedonist, you probably see no reason to put limits on pleasure. When the little angel of your conscience arrives on your shoulder to challenge your indulgent side, it's usually knocked off by that little devil who's never too far away from your decisions.It seems that extravagance to you is a way of life, not an isolated event. And discipline is a punishment that you choose not to employ — it's overrated anyway. All this good stuff is here for a reason, right? Someone's gotta have fun with it and you only live once!
Woah, does that explain why I was able to eat my way up to 300 plus pounds? And that's kinda scary that I apparently have no control over my temptations! woah doggie!
On to my weight. I weighed myself this morning. I was 180.6. So I'm ok. I was hoping to make it to the 170's this week. BUt you know...there is always next week! (Not to mention that the official weigh in hasn't occured yet...not that I expect a miracle..but you never know...sometimes it does weigh me less at my meeting!) I think I'm going to go to the early meeting. I work until 2 today...so I can make an earlier meeting. Todd volunteers at the soup kitchen tonight. SO since we will both be in town, we are thinking about meeting up afterwards and going out to dinner. It means that tomorrow on our day off that we will stay closer to home.....and eat at home...thus saving a extra trip to town! Which isn't a problem. But since we are already both going to be in town tonight, it just makes sense! :-)
I've been doing very good with the weight thing. Other than the other day, I've managed to pull myself together and keep it under control. :-) WOo hooo. Haven't exercised today...but then I wasn't plannign on it...a I do need a day of rest. SOOOOO anyway!
Monday, May 12, 2008
I woke up this morning, and saw my new dress hanging where I had placed it yesterday (yep, too lazy to put it the 'whole' way into the closet..lol). I stretched and simply smiled. You know...I'm NOT a ten. I know it. Probably if you looked at me, you'd know it. But I bought a size ten article of clothing. ME! Mom was talking and she thinks I"ll end up being around a size then when this is all over. That has honestly been my thought from day one. I"m not sure though. I've stll got about 20 pounds to go to get to my weight watchers goal. And then i want to go 10-15 pounds further for my own personal goal. But yeah, I expect to be about an 8 -10. Like I said...absolutely crazy.
Meanwhile, I think I"m becoming addicted to shopping. What's up with this? And I'm buying more feminine clothes...which is not the 'old me'. I know that part of it is that I can actually fit into nice looking clothes and I actually look pretty good in them. (well, better than I did before...lol). It is a rush to be able to walk into any store at the mall and pick up something off the rack and try it on. AND, not have to sort through rack after rack of granny looking clothes to find something that looks somewhat youthful in the fat womens clothing stores/areas. It is a rush to be able to look at a size on a tag and go...woah, that's me! I'm not sure my mind is in total belief yet...but it's coming around.
Meanwhile, it's POURING down rain! It's coming down in buckets! NOt that I'm complaining. No, quite the contrary, I like the rain. HOWEVER, I am not at all happy with the drop in temperature that has accompanied this rain. EWWWWW
Meanwhile, I think I"m becoming addicted to shopping. What's up with this? And I'm buying more feminine clothes...which is not the 'old me'. I know that part of it is that I can actually fit into nice looking clothes and I actually look pretty good in them. (well, better than I did before...lol). It is a rush to be able to walk into any store at the mall and pick up something off the rack and try it on. AND, not have to sort through rack after rack of granny looking clothes to find something that looks somewhat youthful in the fat womens clothing stores/areas. It is a rush to be able to look at a size on a tag and go...woah, that's me! I'm not sure my mind is in total belief yet...but it's coming around.
Meanwhile, it's POURING down rain! It's coming down in buckets! NOt that I'm complaining. No, quite the contrary, I like the rain. HOWEVER, I am not at all happy with the drop in temperature that has accompanied this rain. EWWWWW
Sunday, May 11, 2008
TEN
Another recent pic of me. I realized that I have next to no pictures of me. That is not cool!Well....today was a BLOCKBUSTER day. I went shopping again. I found the most adorable sundress. I was absolutely adorable. And on sale. I tried on the 12. That's the size that I wear right now. Well....I tried it on and it just didn'tseem to fit quite right...a bit loose. LOOSE???? Well, for a giggle I decided to try on the next lower size. I had no hope of it fitting...but I thought it would be neat to see how close I was to actually wearing a 10. Well, I got it into the fitting room and tried it on. It fit PERFECTLY! A TEN! 10! Neun! Diez! Dix! X!!! Amazing! I was goign to buy it even as a 12. BUT to be able to buy a ten!!!! WOAH Doggie!!!!!! Unbelievable
!
Reflections on the icing incident
Now that I am sufficiently awake and able to really reflect upon the icing squirting incident I just want to kick myself. WHY in the world would I act like such a pig. Yeah, that is such a piggish thing to do. As previously mentioned, I am not going to weight myself today. I thought about it...but decided against it! I'm going to simply be good and work to eradicate any badness that the icing incident did to my body.
BUT that brings me to my thoughts this morning. What brought this on. I was so determined to make it through this with flying colors! I can definitely say that if Todd were at home and in the living room, visible from where I was. HEck even the threat of him walking in, I probably would not have done it! THat's not too shocking, I know that I have a tendency to be a closet eater. I don't want anyone seeing me make a total hog of myself. (so I blog about it for anyone to see...there's reason eh?). Number two, I know that I was doing really good until I accidentally licked a bit of icing off my finger while I was cleaning up. The taste got in my mouth and I just literally went crazy. A momentary lapse of judgement. OR whatever you want to call it. This is something new I'm learning. Once I get my first taste of something...I just can't stop. Woah...isn't that like an alcoholic...they are ok, maybe tempted but ok until they actually START..and then they can't stop! Ironically I could have stopped the spiral if I had immediately gotten a drink and popped a piece of gum in my mouth to take away the taste. Which brings me to another thought. This incident happened really quickly. I"d say it happened i less than 3 minutes. Yeah, less than three minutes! Honestly, by the time my mind had figured out what my body was doing and eating, it was already done.
LEssons learned:
1. don't do these tempting food activities unless someone is nearby.
2. Don't start...because once the taste is in my mouth, I go crazy!
3. It's quick!
NOt that any of these lessons are particularly fantastic, but you know every little bit I know about myself, the better off I am!
I had someone just recently say that they were in awe of how intuned I am to my body. I know how my body reacts to all sorts of situations. I know what my body needs and craves. And it made me think......yeah, it's all due to these little lessons and thoughts in this blog!
Well, I'm hoping to ride the indoor bike this morning before trucking off to church. I"m also hoping to maybe go for a walk with mom this afternoon. It will help me...but it will also be really good for her! If I have the gumption when I get home I would LOVE to ride again this evening. However, looking at it realistically speaking, I don't expect that to happen. BUt it is a good thought! :-)
BUT that brings me to my thoughts this morning. What brought this on. I was so determined to make it through this with flying colors! I can definitely say that if Todd were at home and in the living room, visible from where I was. HEck even the threat of him walking in, I probably would not have done it! THat's not too shocking, I know that I have a tendency to be a closet eater. I don't want anyone seeing me make a total hog of myself. (so I blog about it for anyone to see...there's reason eh?). Number two, I know that I was doing really good until I accidentally licked a bit of icing off my finger while I was cleaning up. The taste got in my mouth and I just literally went crazy. A momentary lapse of judgement. OR whatever you want to call it. This is something new I'm learning. Once I get my first taste of something...I just can't stop. Woah...isn't that like an alcoholic...they are ok, maybe tempted but ok until they actually START..and then they can't stop! Ironically I could have stopped the spiral if I had immediately gotten a drink and popped a piece of gum in my mouth to take away the taste. Which brings me to another thought. This incident happened really quickly. I"d say it happened i less than 3 minutes. Yeah, less than three minutes! Honestly, by the time my mind had figured out what my body was doing and eating, it was already done.
LEssons learned:
1. don't do these tempting food activities unless someone is nearby.
2. Don't start...because once the taste is in my mouth, I go crazy!
3. It's quick!
NOt that any of these lessons are particularly fantastic, but you know every little bit I know about myself, the better off I am!
I had someone just recently say that they were in awe of how intuned I am to my body. I know how my body reacts to all sorts of situations. I know what my body needs and craves. And it made me think......yeah, it's all due to these little lessons and thoughts in this blog!
Well, I'm hoping to ride the indoor bike this morning before trucking off to church. I"m also hoping to maybe go for a walk with mom this afternoon. It will help me...but it will also be really good for her! If I have the gumption when I get home I would LOVE to ride again this evening. However, looking at it realistically speaking, I don't expect that to happen. BUt it is a good thought! :-)
Saturday, May 10, 2008
squirting the icing into my mouth!
Well, I was feeling sick today. I came home from work and was still feeling a bit peakish. SO I decided to decorate the cake. Well, I got sidetracked by the Kirby salesman that came to the door. YEAH YEAH YEAH>..I"m a sucker and let them in to give me a demo. NO, I did NOT buy. HOwever, I'll admit to being quit impressed with the machine! AND, I got my living room carpet not only vacumned but also shampooed! BUT, it put me behind in my cake decorating. I didn't get done until right around 4pm. No lunch. Yeah yeah yeah...bad thing. Yeah, I kinda squeezed a 'bit' of the icing into my mouth. Uhhh a good bit! Well, I was cleaning up and taking pictures of the cake and all that. Todd came home and I was talking to him. We were hungry and TOdd wanted tacos....nothing like a bad meal! ARRGGHH
I'm going to have to be super good tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday!!!!! I have also decided that I'm not weighing myself tomorrow and maybe not monday. That way I can recoup a little without the disappointing gain. Tuesday I'll face it! :-)
Meanwhile, as you can see the cake turned out fairly well. I"m happy with it. I'm still not a big fan of the confederate flag....er the naval confed flag...and the second or third one at that. Oh well. BUt apparently it's a big southern rock thing...lynard skinner and the free bird or something. LOL
Did get on the bike and rode for just under 10 miles. SO at least I have that. I've also started doing some weight with my arms during the first 5-10 minutes of my ride on the exercise bike. I can feel it in my arms...boy are they sore!
Sick...but maintaining
I woke up about 15 minutes before the alarm went off this morning, sick. Now, when I was larger, I would wake up many times in the middle of the night sick to my stomach. This doesn't happen often, so that when it does I'm just kinda shocked. I've been queasy all morning. Just can't get rid of the quesiness. I don't know why. Is it because of the cake batter that I ate...my body just rebelling? Do I have a touch of something? Todd's comment was 'maybe you're pregnant. Nope, well it's possible I guess...but I highly doubt it as the ick was just here last weekend. Who knows!? But, meanwhile, I'll sit here queasy and just hope it goes the heck away.
I did step onto the scales. 181.4. Exactly the same as yesterday morning. I'm pretty tickled...because after the cake batter...you never know! I was halfways expecting my weight to go up a bit. WHEW! What a relief to not. Like I said last night. I actually DID have 6 points that I didn't eat...so the cake batter was actually probably washed out by that and by my activity points for the day.
I just pulled fitday.com up ....for me to make 150 pound personal goal by my birthday (Dec. 10th) I have to lose 1.14 pounds a week. SO that is a totally doable goal! :-) If I can do the average of 2 pounds a week....I would be at 150 by September 10th. :-) FOr the 163 goal.....which is my weight watchers goal...at 2 pounds a week.....I could do it by the end of the July. Not much happening here. I'm at work. Queasy for some reason. Actually woke up this morning sick. Oh well....I'm sure it will pass. :-) At noon, I'll be able to leave this joint (I'm at work). I'll be then making the icing and decorating that darn cake. :-) And then I so desperately have to clean the house! Since I was feeling icky this morning I didn't exercise. So I have to do that yet today.
I did step onto the scales. 181.4. Exactly the same as yesterday morning. I'm pretty tickled...because after the cake batter...you never know! I was halfways expecting my weight to go up a bit. WHEW! What a relief to not. Like I said last night. I actually DID have 6 points that I didn't eat...so the cake batter was actually probably washed out by that and by my activity points for the day.
I just pulled fitday.com up ....for me to make 150 pound personal goal by my birthday (Dec. 10th) I have to lose 1.14 pounds a week. SO that is a totally doable goal! :-) If I can do the average of 2 pounds a week....I would be at 150 by September 10th. :-) FOr the 163 goal.....which is my weight watchers goal...at 2 pounds a week.....I could do it by the end of the July. Not much happening here. I'm at work. Queasy for some reason. Actually woke up this morning sick. Oh well....I'm sure it will pass. :-) At noon, I'll be able to leave this joint (I'm at work). I'll be then making the icing and decorating that darn cake. :-) And then I so desperately have to clean the house! Since I was feeling icky this morning I didn't exercise. So I have to do that yet today.
Friday, May 09, 2008
crapola
YES, crapola! I was so set to not even taste the cake batter. THen I caved. EII YIII YIII! My only consolation. I actually had 6 points left for the day to utilize for something special. SOOOO..I guess my points just went there. BUT I"m still not happy with myself!
Friday morning chit chat
I heard the best statement this morning. It was made by someone who was working out...and feeling the pain of it as she pushed herself. Her comment... "I've learned that I need to welcome pain, for it is through pain that I learn, grow and mature and succeed". How true is that. It's true in exercise. We can't get further until we push ourselves into that realm of pain. Into that realm where things are uncomfortable. But also, in our lives....the pain helps us grow and mature. Really....how profound is that statement?
Just a review. Last Sunday I weighed in at 184.4 pounds. On Monday I was 185.4 (most likely water retention). I didn't weigh myself at home anymore since then (official weigh in ws 183 at my meeting). Well, this morning I weighed myself. I weighed in at a fantastic 181.4 pounds! that's like incredible! And including today I've still got 4 days to go until my official weigh in day!!!! It just seems as if the weight is dropping off of me. I know that it is in large part due to the mental shift that has occured within me. But I hope that whatever plateau that I kept hitting at around 180 is BEHIND me! FOR GOOD. I so want to power into the 170's SOON! At the rate I've been losing......next week maybe???? :-)
I'm going to so kill Todd's mothers cat. Ok...maybe not kill it...because she can't help it. You see...she's getting old....I think she is still mourning over the loss of Judy (todd's mother)..and well....she's old. BUT does she have to puke EVERY morning at 4:45???? BESIDE ME! This morning it was on the floor...yesterday I heard her 'gearing' up while she laid on the pillow beside my head (yeah, I threw her on the floor pretty darn fast!). The problem.....5 is just too close to when I typically wake up...so then I lay there awake..unable to sleep. Yesterday i went out and made the biscotti early. This morning because i had to work, I got up and rode the exercise bike for 45 minutes....i was slow and sluggish though...only made it 12.1 miles....oh well. I was showered and dressed and ready for work by 6AM. Ohhh....I don't have to leave for work until 7:40. What do do with time like that? Yeah, I could have cleaned my house...but oh well....that wasn't going to happen this morning! :-)
I'm planning on a thorough cleaning tomorrow afternoon. I work until noon...and when I get home I have to decorate a cake (which I'm baking tonight) and then I'll clean the house. Ohhh the cake I'm decorating..Here's a laugh. It's a guitar shaped cake (borrowed the pan from my mom)....but it's for a guy who is totally into southern rock music...and apparently the confederate flag....with a white bird is a big deal (ok...displaying my southern rock innocence right about now). SOOOO I'm decorating this guitar cake as a confederate flag (and i have a little white bird to put on it...) crazy isn't it? Oh well...twill be a challenge. My mom and one of her friends that decorates cakes thinks I'm utterly insane to even attempt it. We'll see how it goes! :-)
It is pouring rain here right now!!! Utterly ugly outside! My consolation...I'm working open to close here today....so I wouldn't be outside anyway...and most likely after 10.5 hours, I would go home and veg out anyway...wait, I've got dinner to make and a cake to bake (make, bake cake...haa haa haaa) so I wouldn't be able to be outside anyway..I guess it all works out for the best doesn't it?
Got my points all planned out for today. As long as I can hold firm and not eat any crumbs from the cake...or any cake batter, i'll be good. Oh well...if I could do it yesterday, I can do it today. And you know what.....It's purely a thing of pride now......I don't want to do succumb...simply to prove to myself that I can do it! the biggest problem.....is not refraining from eating, ie making that concious decision to not eat it....it's the mindless stuff....I caught myself a few times yesterday just picking up a piece or bite of something and getting ready to pop it into my mouth! EII YII YII But yesterday I was able to stop myself. I will today also!
I was hoping to walk on my lunch break today, as i did last week. however, with the rain that will not be happening. Oh well. At least I got some exercise in this morning! I think Todd has to be up and out of the house tomorrow morning at by 7am...so I may ride super early in the morning. Then if I want, I can get a double ride in by riding after I clean and decorate the cake. Yep..I'm going to do everything i can to help power this weight off!
Just a review. Last Sunday I weighed in at 184.4 pounds. On Monday I was 185.4 (most likely water retention). I didn't weigh myself at home anymore since then (official weigh in ws 183 at my meeting). Well, this morning I weighed myself. I weighed in at a fantastic 181.4 pounds! that's like incredible! And including today I've still got 4 days to go until my official weigh in day!!!! It just seems as if the weight is dropping off of me. I know that it is in large part due to the mental shift that has occured within me. But I hope that whatever plateau that I kept hitting at around 180 is BEHIND me! FOR GOOD. I so want to power into the 170's SOON! At the rate I've been losing......next week maybe???? :-)
I'm going to so kill Todd's mothers cat. Ok...maybe not kill it...because she can't help it. You see...she's getting old....I think she is still mourning over the loss of Judy (todd's mother)..and well....she's old. BUT does she have to puke EVERY morning at 4:45???? BESIDE ME! This morning it was on the floor...yesterday I heard her 'gearing' up while she laid on the pillow beside my head (yeah, I threw her on the floor pretty darn fast!). The problem.....5 is just too close to when I typically wake up...so then I lay there awake..unable to sleep. Yesterday i went out and made the biscotti early. This morning because i had to work, I got up and rode the exercise bike for 45 minutes....i was slow and sluggish though...only made it 12.1 miles....oh well. I was showered and dressed and ready for work by 6AM. Ohhh....I don't have to leave for work until 7:40. What do do with time like that? Yeah, I could have cleaned my house...but oh well....that wasn't going to happen this morning! :-)
I'm planning on a thorough cleaning tomorrow afternoon. I work until noon...and when I get home I have to decorate a cake (which I'm baking tonight) and then I'll clean the house. Ohhh the cake I'm decorating..Here's a laugh. It's a guitar shaped cake (borrowed the pan from my mom)....but it's for a guy who is totally into southern rock music...and apparently the confederate flag....with a white bird is a big deal (ok...displaying my southern rock innocence right about now). SOOOO I'm decorating this guitar cake as a confederate flag (and i have a little white bird to put on it...) crazy isn't it? Oh well...twill be a challenge. My mom and one of her friends that decorates cakes thinks I'm utterly insane to even attempt it. We'll see how it goes! :-)
It is pouring rain here right now!!! Utterly ugly outside! My consolation...I'm working open to close here today....so I wouldn't be outside anyway...and most likely after 10.5 hours, I would go home and veg out anyway...wait, I've got dinner to make and a cake to bake (make, bake cake...haa haa haaa) so I wouldn't be able to be outside anyway..I guess it all works out for the best doesn't it?
Got my points all planned out for today. As long as I can hold firm and not eat any crumbs from the cake...or any cake batter, i'll be good. Oh well...if I could do it yesterday, I can do it today. And you know what.....It's purely a thing of pride now......I don't want to do succumb...simply to prove to myself that I can do it! the biggest problem.....is not refraining from eating, ie making that concious decision to not eat it....it's the mindless stuff....I caught myself a few times yesterday just picking up a piece or bite of something and getting ready to pop it into my mouth! EII YII YII But yesterday I was able to stop myself. I will today also!
I was hoping to walk on my lunch break today, as i did last week. however, with the rain that will not be happening. Oh well. At least I got some exercise in this morning! I think Todd has to be up and out of the house tomorrow morning at by 7am...so I may ride super early in the morning. Then if I want, I can get a double ride in by riding after I clean and decorate the cake. Yep..I'm going to do everything i can to help power this weight off!
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Soul searching
I was emailing yesterday with a friend. We were talking about some super deep issues in our lives. Stuff I will not share on here in a public forum. I'm not putting that stuff on here....not about her or not about myself!
What I will say is that although I've been overweight since I was right at around 12 I just recently realized that there was a point in my life when I packed on about 100 pounds...quickly. I never sat back and realized that. All of a sudden it just clicked into place. I didn't care that I was gaining weight because of a situation in my life that I was trying to 'live up to'. OR should I say live down to. I felt inadequate...and I allowed my body to reflect that feeling. There were reasons that I felt inadequate and not worthy. ANd I let the weight pack on...and in some weird twisted way, I then used the weight as the 'reason' that I was inadequte. I started losing weight because of my health. I've lost about 120 pounds or so to date. As everyone that has read my blog knows, I've been struggling. Well, in the last few weeks I've learned some lessons. I thank a few good friends...some in person, some friends that I know only via the interent that have helped to set me straight. I've learned that these inadequate feelings were based on something that was through no fault of mine! I was not at fault for anything that caused me to feel this way.
I think that is part of why I was having such a difficult time wrapping my mind around losing more weight. I had shed that protective layer of fat.....the layer of fat that I had put on to use as my excuse. Without that layer I no longer have the excuses........I had/have to face the issues head on.
Yes, this is totally rambling and probably incoherent....but to me it's HUGE.
****a side note for myself should I ever not understand what in the world I was dancing around trying to say without saying it.....go read my personal journal....it will all make sense!!!******
What I will say is that although I've been overweight since I was right at around 12 I just recently realized that there was a point in my life when I packed on about 100 pounds...quickly. I never sat back and realized that. All of a sudden it just clicked into place. I didn't care that I was gaining weight because of a situation in my life that I was trying to 'live up to'. OR should I say live down to. I felt inadequate...and I allowed my body to reflect that feeling. There were reasons that I felt inadequate and not worthy. ANd I let the weight pack on...and in some weird twisted way, I then used the weight as the 'reason' that I was inadequte. I started losing weight because of my health. I've lost about 120 pounds or so to date. As everyone that has read my blog knows, I've been struggling. Well, in the last few weeks I've learned some lessons. I thank a few good friends...some in person, some friends that I know only via the interent that have helped to set me straight. I've learned that these inadequate feelings were based on something that was through no fault of mine! I was not at fault for anything that caused me to feel this way.
I think that is part of why I was having such a difficult time wrapping my mind around losing more weight. I had shed that protective layer of fat.....the layer of fat that I had put on to use as my excuse. Without that layer I no longer have the excuses........I had/have to face the issues head on.
Yes, this is totally rambling and probably incoherent....but to me it's HUGE.
****a side note for myself should I ever not understand what in the world I was dancing around trying to say without saying it.....go read my personal journal....it will all make sense!!!******
ON fire!!!!
Todays pictures of me. None are particularly great...but hey...they are from today! I'm on fire with my eating. Amazing what a difference this mental shift has made in my control I've been totally on the program with my eating now for about a whole week. Even more so amazing...this morning I was up early. I made a batch of chocolate chip biscotti. I did not even take a bite of the snow. NOT EVEN A LICK! I didn't eat the ends as I cut the biscotti up...or the crumbs that inevetably fall off. NOTHING. NOt one iota. They cooled and I had them bagged and put away without eating ANYTHING! TONIGHT, I made snickerdoodles. (yeah, I"m a glutton for punishment...but it's for a work crew that is dong community service...Todd is the chair of the community service committee). ONce again...NO LICKS, bites or tastes! I told myself that I would allow myself to eat the LAST little bite of cookie dough. The last because I knew that once I tasted that I woudl continue eating until they were all either eaten or baked. Well....half way through baking all of a sudden it hit me....won't I be so proud of myself if I don't partake of any? And quite honestly...do I really need that? Honestely, I probably have the points. But you know what......I'm fine....and I feel so much more proud of myself for having control over the situation!!!!!
This afternoon, I rode the exercise bike. This challenge that I'm doing is an amazing way to keep myself on target with exericisng. I SOO didn't want to exercise today.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Two of my newer outfits that I have purchased recently!
Today I ate well....and actually because of myschedule, ended up with a LOT Of points left over. I ate mostly fruits and veggies today...and you just don't rack up the points very fast with all fruist and veggies. :-) SOOOOOO I treated myself. I treated myself to a Wendy's Frosty. (it was on the way home...and not much is on the way home so my options were limited) Did you know that Wendy's has vanilla frosty's. I had heard about it.......and would you believe that they were 'out' of chocolate...forcing me to get a vanilla??????? IT wasn't bad...a bit too vanilla-y for me though. But I did enjoy it regardless.
I'm off tomorrow. I have to make some chocolate chip biscotti tomorrow morning for mom. Then Todd and I have a meeting to attend. A trip to Lowes. Mowing at mom and dad's and Todd has something to nail using the nail gun. Then we are going to eat with mom and dad. I will need to get some mileage in there somewhere. EIther in the morning...or evening. Although we have mentioned possibly going to the gym. We'll have to see. That woudl be a nice break from the routine mundane for me!
Should I weigh in tomorrow??? That is the question. At home of course! That is the question of the hour. I guess I"ll figure that out in the morning! :-)
Weigh in results!
Well....I was worried. I hoped for a maintain at least. I honestly had no clue when I stepped onto the scales. OHHHH my word did I honestly have not clue!!!!!! 4.6 pounds! I called TOdd to ask him to put something in the oven he asked how I did. I answered, "4.6 pounds". He sounded incredulous when he answered, "GAINED?" I laughed and laughed....when I answered it was with extreme happiness to tell him that I LOST 4.6 pounds. He was like, "that's huge" Yeah, that is huge at this stage in my weight loss progress. However, after being where I've been the last few months, well.....it's understandable. I'm going to do my best to follow up that loss with another one next week. I may not weigh myself at home this week....and just go for broke. OHhhh I don't know..that makes me a bit nervous though! We'll see.
I've got some riding to do today. I took off yesterday...so I need to get some formal mileage in today! THe first month of the challenge I did 229.85 miles! Amazing! I'm hoping to equal that...or even better that for next month! That is my goal...to better my mileage each month! That would be way cool!!!!!!
I also want to get a little painting in this today. I've got to wait though until its dry outside. I'll get it done...a little bit at a time! OH goody...todd just told me that the cars are dry...which probably means taht the siding is dry! LEt the good times roll! OH I just love painting. NOte the extreme sarcasm in that statment. I painted pretty much every surface of the inside of this place through the months of January and February. I thought that was bad enough. ANd I was so relieved when it was over. The outside never even entered my mind. Now I'm suckered into painting again. And when the siding is done...then it's on to the screened in porch...followed by the decks! And the one deck needs scrapped first. JOY JOY>..it just keeps getting better doesn't it?
I've got some riding to do today. I took off yesterday...so I need to get some formal mileage in today! THe first month of the challenge I did 229.85 miles! Amazing! I'm hoping to equal that...or even better that for next month! That is my goal...to better my mileage each month! That would be way cool!!!!!!
I also want to get a little painting in this today. I've got to wait though until its dry outside. I'll get it done...a little bit at a time! OH goody...todd just told me that the cars are dry...which probably means taht the siding is dry! LEt the good times roll! OH I just love painting. NOte the extreme sarcasm in that statment. I painted pretty much every surface of the inside of this place through the months of January and February. I thought that was bad enough. ANd I was so relieved when it was over. The outside never even entered my mind. Now I'm suckered into painting again. And when the siding is done...then it's on to the screened in porch...followed by the decks! And the one deck needs scrapped first. JOY JOY>..it just keeps getting better doesn't it?
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Weigh in Day
Tonight is my official weigh in. I am definitely going to weigh in. I don't rightly know if I've lost enough weight to show a loss.....remember I gained 4 pounds last week. BUT, just to show how much this subtle shift of my thinking has changed. I don't care. I'm going to go...face, the music and do it. I've also decided to go in blind. I'm not weighing myself this morning. In fact, I already at my breakfast...and I don't weigh after I've put anything into my mouth. I usually try to make my morning weight as 'pure as possible. Meaning I try to make the conditions as uniform everyday as possible. SO, I've already ruined the conditions! :-) I also was a bit thirsty. Nothing really bad...but I knew that I wanted a drink. SO I need to drink up today.
My plans for today. IT's darn tootin' cold outside right now. I may around 11 or so go out and paint for an hour or two, waiting that long to allow for the sun to warm things up a bit....and dry the side of the house. I noticed that the cars are dew covered...so I imagine that hte house is also a bit dewy and damp also. We'll see.
I'm planning on taking the day off from 'organized' exercise. That is the current plan at least. However, I note that even though I''m saying this...and I could 'close' the week on my exercise log and actually calculate my weekly totals...and add it to my 'challenge' total....well...I just haven't done it! I'll do it at work, only because I need my totals for tonights meeting. :-)
My plans for today. IT's darn tootin' cold outside right now. I may around 11 or so go out and paint for an hour or two, waiting that long to allow for the sun to warm things up a bit....and dry the side of the house. I noticed that the cars are dew covered...so I imagine that hte house is also a bit dewy and damp also. We'll see.
I'm planning on taking the day off from 'organized' exercise. That is the current plan at least. However, I note that even though I''m saying this...and I could 'close' the week on my exercise log and actually calculate my weekly totals...and add it to my 'challenge' total....well...I just haven't done it! I'll do it at work, only because I need my totals for tonights meeting. :-)
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