Self love: it’s time to take care of myself

Have you ever had this conversation with someone??

‘Your clothes are looking a bit ratty’.   I heard the words and I knew the truth of those words. However, I immediately went on the defensive.  ‘I don’t want to buy clothes in this size  I want to lose weight first.”

Yes, this conversation played out in my life last weekend. The conversation was mostly surrounding my weekend/casual clothes. I tend to wear the same tee shirts week in and week out.  I also have recently defaulted to wearing yoga pants on the weekend. So why is this and why are my clothes looking ratty? Why?  A few reasons really. 

The first reason  is comfort. I have admittedly gained a few pounds over the last few years (30 since my divorce and I’ve struggled to get it back off!).  I tend to wear the clothes that fit comfortably!  Makes sense right?  The second reason goes hand in hand with the first.  Because my supply of what I CAN wear comfortably has dwindled, I tend to wear the same thing over and over.  I just don’t want to spend money and buy clothes at my current weight.  I’m going to lose you know.  But the high amount of wear on those few items of ‘comfy’ clothes are making them wear out...quickly!

As the conversation played out last weekend, Jason looked at me with love in his eyes and said “but what if you never do?  Will you just wear rags?”  I didn’t say anything and we simply headed out to our next activity....hiking.   The conversation may have been over...but my mind was swirling with thoughts.

I knew that my work wardrobe was for the most part ok.  It wasn’t in dire straights, not exactly robust but in good shape.  It was my casual wardrobe that needed serious help! It was my weekend/casual wear that was in shambles.   I immediately thought back to December when I went through this same dilemma, but in regard to bras and underwear (without the conversation...but brought about in my mind after some painful days spent with a broken underwire in a bra and then a broken hook in a bra.) where I realized I couldn’t hold off anymore, I needed to buy bras!  I did it and it really did boost confidence and how I felt about myself (I bought new underwear also!). So if I recognized that it made me feel better, why was I still resisting.

I realized that Jason’s words took the sting out of the weight argument.  He was right. I need to live my life to the fullest and love  myself at my current weight (just like I need to love myself at ANY weight!). Looking like a rag lady is NOT showing myself self love.  So one major argument was debunked!

The  next major argument was money. I just don’t have the money for a new wardrobe...even if it is just mostly weekend clothes I need.  But as I hiked last weekend I realized the craziness of my argument.  While I was married to my ex that was a indeed a valid argument.  I didn’t have money for anything. I would duct tape my shoes together when they got old because my ex was so busy spending every penny we had and some we didn’t.  He spent it on stuff like  a banjo or on a new chain saw.  Pretty much anything and everything, mostly stuff he didn’t need....like the banjo...he wasn’t and probably still isn’t a banjo player!!!  So I was always doing without because I had to in order to get our bills paid.   Hiking is always mind clearing for me...and last weekend was no exception, it made me realize that low and behold I wasn’t in that situation anymore.  I make a decent salary.  While I am focused on putting money into the savings and really building that up, it’s not like I don’t have money.  I had the money last paycheck to put up my half of the money for a new Dyson vacuum (Dyson’s are amazing...I had one with my ex...and left it...I am so happy to have another one!!).  and yet I still managed to pop more than 400 bucks extra  into my savings account during the same pay period!   So it’s not that I’m destitute. (I’m frugal though so I didn’t buy anything extra last paycheck so as to not ruin my plan to put that money into the savings!). It is just plain and simple a learned behavior....to not take care of myself!  I guess the money argument is invalid also!

So that said, today I am off work.  (It was requested ages ago...just so happens to work well into my current thinking). Today I’m going clothing shopping.  I am sure I will stop by a few goodwill stores!  (Hey I’m frugal and I have found brand name/designer brand clothes with the tags still on them showing they were originally  $80 or $100 and I pay $3!  That just makes sense to me!). I also have a few other non goodwill type stores in mind.  I’m focusing on casual clothes today but I will keep my eye out for work clothes too!!!

Today I take care of myself and show myself some self love.  Even better?  I plan on doing it with my mamma!  Self love for both of us!!!  I may not like the aspect of shopping and seeing the sizes that I will be forced to buy.  But I know that the end result will have me walking around in clothes that give me confidence and that will be worth it all!

I woke up this morning, and saw my new dress hanging where I had placed it yesterday (yep, too lazy to put it the 'whole' way into the closet..lol). I stretched and simply smiled. You know...I'm NOT a ten. I know it. Probably if you looked at me, you'd know it. But I bought a size ten article of clothing. ME! Mom was talking and she thinks I"ll end up being around a size then when this is all over. That has honestly been my thought from day one. I"m not sure though. I've stll got about 20 pounds to go to get to my weight watchers goal. And then i want to go 10-15 pounds further for my own personal goal. But yeah, I expect to be about an 8 -10. Like I said...absolutely crazy.



Meanwhile, I think I"m becoming addicted to shopping. What's up with this? And I'm buying more feminine clothes...which is not the 'old me'. I know that part of it is that I can actually fit into nice looking clothes and I actually look pretty good in them. (well, better than I did before...lol). It is a rush to be able to walk into any store at the mall and pick up something off the rack and try it on. AND, not have to sort through rack after rack of granny looking clothes to find something that looks somewhat youthful in the fat womens clothing stores/areas. It is a rush to be able to look at a size on a tag and go...woah, that's me! I'm not sure my mind is in total belief yet...but it's coming around.



Meanwhile, it's POURING down rain! It's coming down in buckets! NOt that I'm complaining. No, quite the contrary, I like the rain. HOWEVER, I am not at all happy with the drop in temperature that has accompanied this rain. EWWWWW

I did it!

I'm amazed some weeks. It seems like lately I come on a day or so after my weigh in and I'm like...somehow from somewhere I pulled a loss! Well, it happened again. 1.6 down! Yes, I'm working for it. But admitedly, I slacked a little....ate more of my flex points than I normally do.......amazing!

On that same note...I've already blown 11 flex points for this week also. That's a lot for me...I usually only use 5 per WEEK!

Made about 6 different kinds of cookies tonight. Ate about 2 cookies worth of Chocolate Chip cookie dough... (yes, I know we aren't supposed to eat raw dough anymoer...but heck, I've been doing it since I was just a wee thing...I see no reason to stop now). Anyway, only about two cookies worth of dough. No other snitches...I didn't 'test' the cookies as they came out! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! I saved out about 2-3 of each cookie for my husband. I saved abou 5 or 6 of the 1 point pumpkin cookie (spice cake mix, can of pumpkin, and 1/3 cup water...add 2/3 cup water and you can do muffins...but cookies are fine also..they are a very 'caky' cookie). But I saved a few one pointers for me for a snack for the next few days. AND with the rest of the cookies....I packed them up in gift packages....ready to go! The name tags and bows are on them! They are as good as out the door! (Nope...I won't cheat because each package is 'artfully' arranged and to snitch a cookie would mess up the 'prettiness' of the package!

Tickled because I was able to buy myself a pair of pants (lounging flannel pants) at an everyday overstock store ($5....really good deal)! This may not seem exciting...but for a big girl whose options are usually pretty limited as to where she can buy her clothes.....just walking through the clothes area and being able to actually find something that fits is pretty amazing. EVen more amazing...I on a whim bought the xl. I thought that they would be tight but I would 'grow' into them. Well, I tried them on...they are loose. Now don't get me wrong....not loose as in I should be wearing a large...but loose as in comfy!

Going to my work christmas party/dinner tomorrow night so I'm planning my low point breakfast and lunch!

Lately I've been really melancholy. I've just felt like crying...A LOT of the time! Don't know what's up with that. My husband freaks out because he wants to know why I'm crying...or feeling sad. I honestly can't tell him why....I'm just sad. I do think it's because right now we seem to be under a lot of stress...but that usually doesn't make me feel sad and teary! Nope...not eating like a mad woman because of it either!