The mountain to Happiness

A month or so I wrote about how i was so utterly depressed and just overwhelmingly sad.  I wrote on here how I was trying to dig my way out of this pit of despair.  It was slow but I feel as if I was really making progress.  I was standing up for me.  I was taking time to do things for me.  I was starting to feel better.  Yeah, life was still really getting me down, but I was trying to focus on the good things.  Trying to not allow things to get to me...to not dwell on everything that seems to have dumped on me in recent months.

However yesterday all my progree came to a crashing halting stop.  Let me back up.  A good friend of mine....someone that I hang out with a few times a week and text everyday....numerous and constantly has been depressed and down.  I was with him on Thursday and was sufficiently worried about something that was going to occur in his life on Saturday that I sent him a text on Saturday telling him to keep his head up.  He did text me back and say "Don't worry about me, i'm not going to kill myself yet"  I responded back but didn't hear anything else.  I sent more texts on Sunday.....and Monday...and Tuesday.  By Tuesday I knew something was seriously wrong.  On Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call with the horrible news.  He committed suicide this past weekend.

I lost a good friend.  Honestly, although he knew nothing of my problems and woes (or very little....by my choice, I didn't want him to have to worry about me in the midst of everything going on with his life) he was my anchor as I worked to rebuild the fragile pieces of my emotions.   He filled the void as my husband and I work opposite schedules....so I always had someone to talk to those long nights at home alone....or someone to go out with when Todd wasn't available.  I'm crushed and devastated at the loss of my friend.

I can't wrap my head around it. And I can't stop crying.  I think about the good times with him.....and feel better for a few minutes....and then I think about my issues and I just can't deal with them....so I cry.    I am NOT suicidal....because I would never do something to knowingly cause pain to my friends and family....but I can see and totally understand where he was at.  You sometimes feel like the mountain to happiness is tooo high.

Bucket List

1.   Run a 5K (and not be the last one coming across the finish line)
2.   Ride another quarter century on my bike (at an event)
3.   Ride a half century on my bike (at an event)
4.   Ride a full century on my bike (at an event)
5.   Complete a triathlon
6.   return to my goal weight
7.   publish my writing
8.   vacation in germany
9.   have a baby
10. write a novel
11. Photography- expand my knowledge to fully understand and be able to shoot productively in all situations.
12.  Find an illustrator for the "cats on the Canal" childrens book
13.  Publish my "cats on the canal" childrens book
14.  Photography - enter contests
15.  Photography -WIN a contest
16.  Piano- return my skills to the point that I can pick up almost any book and play from sight
17.  Return to Florida...specifically Brooksville and Tampa....for a visit down memory lane
18. 

This will be a work in progress as I expand and change the list as time goes by!

Thursday

This morning I got outside...started to walk and just wanted to move faster....so I started to jog.  I jogged one song and walked one.  And I thought.  I thought about the fact that running a 5k is always something that I've had in the the back of my mind to do.......and that brought some other things up that I want to do.  And right then and there I decided to write my list of  'to do' things down and take pride as I work toward them.    I'm a total list maker.  Part of the attraction is to have a list that I can visualize and remember what my goals are.  The other thing....the sense of accomplishment at the completion of an item is HUGE!

So I'm back on track...and feel STRONG today.  I can do this!

Put it behind me!

Can I put this weekend behind me?  I want to.  I want to move on and forget about everything that has happened. HOWEVER, i'm living with it and my stress levels that I thought were sky high before have just hit an all time new high.

I got off work on Friday afternoon at 2.  Headed home for a quick stop before heading out to attend to my errands.  Interrupted a burgulary in progress.  Yes!   I must have interrupted them at the very beginning because they got very little.  Soooo...Friday afternoon was spent talking to the cops, rounding up my cats (they left my inside cats out) and changing locks on the house. (we have no clue how they got in...no sign of forced entry)    They didn't get much (because I came home what must have been immediately after they got into the house) and what they did take wouldn't be covered because we have a deductible. But I feel totally violated and defiled!

So eating this weekend?   Not good. I've eaten everything AND the kitchen sink!  Trying to reign it in today!!

Plotting and planning

I'm seriously considering going back to weight watchers. The accountability is so vital for me. Last spring it didn't work. Last spring I don't think I was ready to say that I've hit bottom...AGAIN. I'm there. I need to make changes in my life. The money is the biggest factor. I don't want to spend it (and money is tight so $40 a month is a stretch....however, I'm already paying $13 for the etools....so it's actually only $27....ok, put that way.....) I've also realized that competition is not working for me. I've started competitions with people and I've bombed each and every one. Yes, I hate to lose....so when I mess up and start to lose, I give up. I'm not going to set up any dates of when I want to reach the goals. Oh wait, I'll say "ohhh I think and hope to be such and such by such and such' But I can't set any "I'll be 10 pounds down by the time we go on vacation" Once again, it's easier to give up and stop. It's this intense fear of failure.....so when I start to slip and slide backwards towards failure, I just give up so that I don't have to look at myself and say 'you failed, Maryfran....you failed again'.
I've eaten rather well this past week. My choices haven't been all that bad. I've eaten lots of fruits and veggies. BUT my weight is still up a bit from where it was on Monday. I know why though....because my portion control has been out of whack. So that's the next thing to tackle.

I have value

Monday is done.  I stayed within my points....made it to zumba.....all was well.   This morning Todd requested waffles...so i made them.  The points are calculated and my lunch is very nutritious and healthy, so I still have a decent amount of points for the evening and for my dinner.  So I should be OK.

HOWEVER, today is fastnacht day!   SOOOO  of course in at least this area, that means DOUGHNUTS!  My manager brought a bag of fresh donuts in for us.  Just walking by the counter where the donuts sit the smell just wafts lazily through the air, tempting my taste buds, making me salivate!  AHHHHH  Not gonna do it!  

I've thought about setting goals for myself.  But you know what.  I focus on the goals and lose track of what I'm doing.....which is taking care of me.  Yes for the last few years I've joined weight loss challenges.  I've set goals for myself.  I'd done everything I can think of to challenge and motivate myself.  But each time I do horrible.  And that's because I'm not doing it for the right reasons.  The right reasons?    Because I'm worth the effort.  Plain and simple, I'm worth it.  Yes, I'm worth the effort to make me better.  I'm worthy of being a thin person again.  No matter what anyone has said or done to make me feel it, I do deserve to feel good about myself!!!!   I have value, even if I've not seen it for a long time.

Ephiphany!

Just had an epiphany!   I realized and remembered (it just came to me out of the blue) that when I first lost the weight that I really didn't have much success until AFTER I basically sat back and said "you know what?  I like myself the way I am"   I wanted to lose weight still, but my losing weight wasn't contingent upon my self worth.     And you know what?  I lost weight. 

Somewhere along the way though, I lost my focus anddrive.  I switched away from the original motivator that started this....and that was to lose weight for MYSELF and instead started to use other motivators.  I made comments to myself that "when I finish losing this weight, this problem will go away or be miraculously fixed...becuase the weight is causing it"   Life would be grand.  However, life wasn't grand.....the problems and difficulties didn't go away.  They were still right there...and since those problems had become the motivator, I gave up....and gained some of the weight back.

So here I sit.....pounds heavier again. I swore I would NEVER again weigh over 200 pounds...yet here I sit.  I am filled with self hatred and self disgust over where I'm at.  I struggle with accepting myself at this weight.  I remember how good 180 felt!   And I have refused to accept me for exactly what I am......ME.  Is it going to be easy to aceppt this current weighted me?  NO!!!!!!  Do I feel at all lovable?  Worthy?   No!!!!!  Not all all.  Circumstances have beat some of that out of me.  But I'm going to have to work on saying to myself "Maryfran, no matter what you weigh......you are an ok person....and I accepted you at 180 pounds, I accept you now  at 200 plus pounds.  I accepted you at 250 pounds....and 275 pounds.  And you know what....I accepted myself at 315 pounds, my highest ever.  No matter what I weigh, I'm the same person inside and losing the weight only makes that same person stronger!"  

Now, I"m not saying that I accept this weight....meaning I'm going to throw out my 'thin' clothes (the ones I hope to wear again) and go out and actually finish buying a wardrobe for my current size (I've bought the bare minimum...lol).  No, I still want to lose.  But I refuse to downtalk and beat myself up anymore.  I'm who I am.  I have an addiction......I did it to myself.  But you know what....that's what makes MaryFran intrinsically me!!!!!

Well.......yesterday was rough.  I usually don't get knocked flat by a little work at the dentist....but yesterday knocked me as flat as they come.  I was just so sluggish and out of it the rest of the day.  My mouth was numbed at about 1PM...and at 10 I was STILL numb.  And joy of all joys....my jaw and mouth is STILL sore today.  

The only good thing....is for my eating.  I am going out with some friends tonight after work.  I was FULLY planning on knocking a few back. (not to the point of drunkeness of course) but having a few.  Well, I'm not supposed to have alcohol for 72 hours or something like that.  Well shucks!    So that is a good thing for my eating though.....empty calories and all that.

Life is a choice.  We chose what we do. We chose how we react to things.  And those choices bring us to where we are.  We can't go back and change the choices we made.  However, the choices I make TODAY will affect my future.  SOOOO that is my challenge....to really change how I react and what choices I make TODAY...knowing that my future depends on it!

I can eat healthy!  I can do this!!!!!

Tuesday

Didn't do too badly yesterday.  I ate a little 'heavy' for dinner, but I was withing my food budget for the day, so I'm happy with myself.  I've already put in todays foods into the tracker so that's a start also.  Gotta focus on making GOOD choices!!!!

I have a feeling my work day is going to DRAG by......

Gonna do it!

I've been working to dig myself out of the pits of depression.  It's not easy.  But I'm working on it!  It's baby steps.  Doing small little things for me.  Small things that make me feel alive.  Trying to fill up the emptiness that I feel inside me.   I think it's working.......at least I hope it is.

Sooooo, now that I'm feeling marginally better, I am goign to tackle this weight issue.  I packed my lunch for work.  Felt good to actually pack a HEALTHY lunch.   Strawberries, corn, grapes and a few fat free pringles.  I have put my food into the weight watchers online tracker already and I'm ready to rock this.  I know it will take time.  I know it will take perserverence.  But I'm going to do it!  :-)

Weight loss is the only thing that I've got complete control over...and I want to take that control back!  I'm tired of feeling horrible!!!!

Something for me!

tractor seat spring, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

It wasn't a long 'me' time. BUt I did get out with my camera a bit today. Still struggling with my eating. But I'm determined to get in shape!!!

Hump Day

Today, February 23, 2011 I am thankful for some clarity that has come into my life.  Clarity to realize that I've lost myself and while my steps may be small to 'reclaim' me, I'm thankful that I have at least some idea and plan in place to rediscover who I am.

Eating wise, I'm a disaster.  This has to change!!!  I can't continue on.  I look at pictures of myself at a thinner weight and I just cringe because I looked so good and now I feel so frumpy!  I need to fix this!  Where is my  motivation!

I will be attending Zumba tonight!  :-)

Plan

Saturday February 19, 2011
       Today I'm thankful for a long weekend that's coming up!  Yes, Monday is Presidents day and I don't have to go to work!

So what is my plan for rebuilding my life, for making me whole again?   It's not much of a plan.  But I do know that it's going to include me eating right and exercising.  :-)    But other than that I'm reviewing my hobbies and likes and I"m going to focus on things that I like.

1. Photography.  I've long said that I enjoy it and want to take it to another level.  I've struggled of late because I've discovered that being depressed does not lend one to find the beauty in life....and thus I don't see much that I want to take pictures of.  I'm going to try to work on that.  Hopefully as spring and summer approaches that will get just a tad bit easier.

2.  Piano.  I've played since I was five years old.  My mom has often over the years remarked (when I lived with them (that she could tell my stress levels, because I played more when I was stressed....it was my cathartic act).  My piano is at the studio so not at my fingertips.  But I do have a keyboard here at the house.  And I recently pulled it out and it's all set up ready for me to play.

3.  Crafts.  Cross stitch, hooked rugs, quilts, crochet, you name it...I used to do it and I don't anymore.  I need to pick things back up and dabble some more.  I used to always say I wanted to be a renassaince woman and know how to do a little of everything.  Well, I need to step back into that pathway.  

4.  Writing.  I love to write.  I enjoy seeing my words come alive and piece together a complex (or not) story.  I have no outlet for my writing, but once I get myself back in the habit of writing, maybe I can look for a creative outlet for my writing.

That still leaves me short with the friend thing.....but well hopefully that will come in time.

Finding myself

Somewhere along the way I've lost me.  I've lost the essence of who MaryFran really is.  I've pushed myself back into a deep dark hole.  I think part of it has come from a desperation to make things right in my world.  "If I just do this for so and so, the world will continue to spin on it's axis. "  or thinking that the more I did for those around me, the happier my relationships would be.  I ran myself into the ground trying to please.  I become so immersed into the issues and problems in my life and worrying about solutions and the causes that  I slowly pushed myself out of my life.   So now I stand here with my arms out and I look deeply at myself and all I can say is "where did I go?"  I'm gone.  The girl named Maryfran has disappeared into thin air.  I'm left as a shell of a woman.....empty inside.

The empty shell of a MaryFran is never going to win the battle of weight loss.  I know it with all my heart.  I can try and try and try as hard as I can.  But it's just not going to happen. I need to fill that shell again with the things that make me intrinsically me.  I've changed in the recent years, so the things that MAY have made me me way back when may not be the things that I need to pour into myself to fill me.   I need to find ME...the CURRENT me.  Once I find me and take away the emptiness in my life, I'll be able to concentrate and REALLY have success on the external features (the weight).  Does this mean i'm going to give up and eat anything I want?  Heck no!  Does this mean that i'm not going to exercise?   Absolutely not.  It just means that I recognize that my recovery from this weight loss is much more than simply relosing these few pounds......it's as important as fixing ME.  Finding ME again.  Making ME whole again on the inside AND out.

I started a while back my quest to find something good each day.  I'm going to reinstitute that plan.  I need to focus on the good in my life and not focus on the negative!  It was hard some days...and I know that I'm battling a crippling depression.  But I'm gonna perservere!   So....

Friday February 18, 2011 
Today I am thankful for the gorgeous weather that we are having. It's hard to imagine that I was outside in a short sleee shirt today.....while last year this week we had a TON of snow.....can we say two different 2 foot plus snow storms in one week.....which was preceeded by a 4-5 inch snow...which was preceeded by an ice storm.  Yes.......60 plus degrees is a wonderful thing!

Life Sucks

Life has been rough.

First lets talk about eating.  I had made a very concious decision to eat right.  To change and work on the only aspect of my life that I do have control of.  I started....and then as the stress mounted, food started to make me feel ill. I'm eating very minimally.....so that's actually not good. But at this time, eating alone is a chore.  Never thought I would say that.

The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  I've cryed at the drop of a hat. I've cried continally.  I want to cry now!   Part of the problems are personal in nature, so I won't share them.  But lets just say that I have come to the conclusion that some situations in my life have totally decimated my self confidence.  Words have damaged who I am.  Words have made me doubt the sincerity of so many things....when they pertain to me that is.   Above and beyond the self doubt and confidence issues...just life in general has gotten to me. 
My song....which I have listened to over and over.......is currently by Cher........it really speaks to me!  Check it out!!!

Sick and Tired

My weight held pretty much held steady over the last week.  I'm eating near no vegetables or fruit. That HAS to change!  So I'm going to track every bite again.  I keep starting, but keep forgetting.  I have to make it a habit once again!!!!

I'm tired of beign this weight.  I'm tired of feeling fat. I'm tired of not fitting into clothes. I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of the fact that for two months I worried about what my added weight did to my health.  I'm just sick and tired of it...and the only way to not be sick and tired?   LOSE THE WEIGHT!

CLEARED

Well, i was cleared by the cardiologist yesterday.  The pulmonary tests cleared me for lungs on Monday.  I'm super relieved about this.  But yet, it still makes me wonder what in the world has caused the chest pains.  Go figure...and STILL causing them.  The cardiologist was like "exercise if you want...start out slow though".   Slow?  MF do anything half ass?   3 hours later found me at Zumba......I did tone it down just a tad......haa haaa haa.  Was I out of breath and having a hard time to catch my breath? Yes....but the doctor seems to think that the exercise will help with that.  I got the impression that he thinks it is the initial diagnosis of pleurisy......and my inactivity is causing my fitness level to decrease rapidly (since all I do is sit on my butt because hey, I don't knwo what's wrong with me!).   So I'm going to give it the gung ho go. 

My weight was GRAND yesterday.....but UP today.  up by more than 3 pounds.  What's up with that??????   Couple things maybe.....late dinner, high sodium lunch, first workout in a while.....oh yeah, the ick is just around the corner...blech.

My weight has dropped some.  I would say that I dont' know how....beacuse I have been calculating my points, but I've not been eating the greatest.  The biggest thing that I've done?  Somehow I've been able to start discern that i'm not hungry.  And I've not eaten if I'm not hungy.  Dont' even start.  Admittedly, STOPPING is more difficult if i'm already eating dinner to stop when I feel full...but I'm trying to listen to those signs also. I'm not sure it's the best thing to do. I've not eaten breakfast some days.  Some days i've not eaten lunch.  One night I didn't eat dinner....I just wasn't interested.   I would be worried, but when i do go to eat, i'm not ravenous....I dont' gnaw off the kitchen cabinets to get to the food.  This is a huge thing for me because I'm a food addict.  I eat to just eat.  So I'm really rather wondering how long it will last.  But I'm gonna role with it while it lasts.  Play with it and maybe learn how to really hear my body...this is totally  new for me, I've never had this happen in all the years that I've been doing this.  Soooo maybe this is the next lesson learned in this journey!

report

Another Doctor's visit down.  The doctor came in and was like "what's happening today".  I answered, chest pains.  She looked at me and said "STILL?"  I was like, yeah......for two months....(and I threw in there yeah, this is my third visit for this).   She all of a sudden was like "this is not good".....she was then all of a sudden "We need to get you to referrals for a stress test and an echocardiagram'.  I asked to be referred to Robinwood heart (that's where my dad currently goes).   She then also said that she is going to set me up for a pulminary function test.  Checking my lungs...since I am short of breath on occaision. 

We talked a bit about my cholesterol.  Yes, it's high  "A bit high".  I asked her if I could work on getting the weight off because I proved it before when I lost the weight that my cholesterol drops with my weight loss.  She agreed and wanted to know how I planned on doing it.  She was ok with my plans.  LOL   She also said that she woudln't have wanted to add any meds until we know what's happening with my heart.

My week....started off not too nice. Actually it started out bad with a piece of gear at the studio breaking down and Todd spending all day Monday working on it. He's still working on it...so that's no fun. But he had clients last night and they knocked off a few hours early (due to snow and ice) so he was home by 10 and we went to the bedroom at 11. (Probably read until midnight). Why I tell you all this?


This morning Todd went out and scraped my car and he walked to the end of the driveway where his car was parked. (we park one car on the apron the first 10 feet off the road...when the weather is bad...easier to get the car out...so he came home last yesterday evening and parked on the apron). So anyway, he scraped and cleaned off my car and then went to do his. He cleaned off the door and opened it to hop in and turn on the car to warm it up and noticed something horribly wrong.....in the vein that there shouldn't be a big empty space where the car stereo that he put in used to be. There SHOULD be subwoofers and all kinds of car stereo parts. His thing of CD's should still be there.......50-100 cd's. Oh yeah., things were not right. SOOOO inside he went and we called the police just to make the report. They came and left and then we both headed off to work. Annoying thing...it happened in his car....we only have liablity on his car so it's not covered for this. It could be worse...the car could have been damaged or something....so it was just annoying. Ohhh the funniest part...his car stereo died a few months back. He's been moaning because it's only 2-3 years old...he put it in back in 2008 I guess it was......so they got a stereo that DIDN"T WORK! ROFL. Ok, the subwoofer and cd's and other stuff.....that's sad. :-( Now my butt won't vibrate when I drive his car! (the sub is/was behind the drivers seat...on the floor...partially under the seat)

So our week hasn't started off the best. Hopefully it starts getting better. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at work.....chest is hurting (hello stress...is this all stress related?......)....and I'm just wishin' I were at home. LOL I have my stuff to go to Zumba tonight. But now sure if I'm actually going to go. Chest pains...and they say that the roads are going to deteriorate again tonight (with more precip this evening). So just not sure. Excuses? Probably.

Todd and I HAVE decided to start looking for a new doctor. This is ridiculous. I'm just not happy at all with the doctor and her care. I feel as if she didn't even listen to me in December and in reality brushed me off.....because "your too young to be having chest pains". Yes, she said that to me. And yes...I am too young to be having chest pains....but that doesn't negate the fact that I am having them. Are they stress related? Honestly, I think probably. Do I know that for certain? NO. Did I have a grandfather that died when he was only 9 years older than I currently am? YES (and his father was only 50.......grandfather on the other side also died of heart disease..but he was 60...so it's in my family). But this scare has made us realize that we have to have a GOOD doctor....because we can't wait until we are sick to find a doctor. Meanwhile I go back on Thursday to my quack doctor. I'm going back to get the results of the gall bladder and blood work (i already know about the high cholesterol). But if she doesn't have anything concrete for me, I'm going to head to a heart specialist. Let me rule out the heart. My mom's doctor said do the heart specialist first...and then go to a pulmonary specialist...knock those two major things out of the field.

I didn't forget my vow to find 'happy' things and I did think and find something happy each day.  I meant to come online and write them down...but I...well, I forgot and never got around to it...and currently I can't remember what I was going to write.

Today I am thankful for my cat Ethel.  The last two months she has not wanted to leave my side.  She crawls up on my chest and lays on me.  Or curls up as close to my chest as possible. If that is not an option, she is content to lay in my lap.  She's with me all the time.  Showing me that she loves me.

Saturday Morning Bright and Early

Saturday has dawned bright and early for me.  I was so looking forward to waking up nice and late.  Sleeping in and greeting the morning after the sun was high in the sky was on the agenda.  However, 6AM and where was I?   Laying in bed, in the dark wide awake.  I gave up and picked up my cell phone and checked email and just in general laid there wishing that I could sleep!.   By 6:30 the old lady jody was hacking up her breakfast beside the bed on the floor.  (Poor kitty cat.....I feel bad for her, but she doesn't seem to be in pain....so we what do you do?)  Todd jumped up and cleaned it up but that was all she wrote.  He went right to the shower (his alarm would have gone off at 7AM anyway) so I just gave up and started some laundry.  So here I sit.   Not really hungry.  Part of me says that I NEED to have breakfast because if I don't I'll just start snacking at the farmers market (that is not good because I'll be with my mom....mom sells baked goods....yummy cupcakes, delicious cookies, scrumptious breads...shall I continue?)  But then the other side says why eat if you are not really hungry.   I'll decide closer to the time when I leave.  Mom is already at the market, but I really just don't feel like sitting there for a long time today (sorry mom) so I'll go in about 9 or 10.  :-)    Of course mom and I will go to lunch. 

Cholesterol......gotta keep that thought in my head today while I make my food choices.  Cholesterol is high...gotta get it down so I can avoid meds!   If I need to chant it  "cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol" I will.  Ok, i'll do it in my head, the waiter at a restaurant today may think i'm nuts otherwise.

I can do this.....I haven't done good yesterday......or the day before.  Thursday night I kinda lost control when it came time to grab a snack, I grabbed a 100 cal pack to just have a little something special.  I ate that...and then ate two more of them. That is NOT normal.   I can usually stop at 1.  I'd be too embarrassed to say that I ate three of those suckers.  But 3 I did eat.  "Cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol"

Chest pains.....please go away!

Ok, my thankful/good thing in life today:   Friends.  I don't have many friends.  Ok, back track that.  I don't have many friends locally.  (that adds to the depression because I feel like my life is a bit empty).    HOWEVER I had someone reach out via email.  Someone I didn't know....just really touched my heart (thanks Diane) and Donna...you to, your comment just brought tears to my eyes.  Everyone else that commented or have emailed.  Thank you.  I am very thankful for the people that ARE in my life.

Deppressive state

Struggling a little bit the last day or so.  And today will be rough as we are having a delayed christmas celebration at work. We delayed our party and our gift exchange because one of my co-workers was in the hospital and we wanted her with us.  So it's today...which means FOOD!    I WILL get this together and keep it together. I haven't been doign too bad...but the scales are notshowing my efforts...but they will!

I'm going to admit, right here and right now. I'm battling a depressive state.  I'm not sure if I would say that I'm categorically depressed.  But I know that it's threatening me.  It's crushing me. It's pushing against me.  And I'll also admit....that it's winning.  Life is just overwhelming me right now. I have some issues going on that just make me want to give up.  To throw up my hands in defeat....even though my heart doesn't want to quit.  I've got these chest pains...coming up on 2 straight solid months.  I laid in bed the other night and just cried because I don't like it.  They are NOT debilitating in their pain. They are just aching.  A nuisance.  But yeah, they hurt. 

 A friend yesterday in an email started a "I'm thankful' thing.  I was saying how life just looks bleak.  She wrote back and said "I'm thankful for my little fluffy dog that is sleeping in my arms right now."  I sat here and tears came to my eyes.  I couldn't find anything that I was thankful for.  I thought.  I pondered.  I REALLY was scrambling to find something.  ANYTHING.  Finally I came up with probably one of the most lame...but ohh so very true things.  I'm thankful for parents that love me unconditionally.   She of course wrote back that I shouldn't forget my brother OR my friend in Indiana. (her).   But it made me start to think.  I need to find something new each day that I'm thankful for.  Today I'm thankful that we have no car payments AND no house payments. Our house/property and all three cars are ours free and clear!

But as i started to think about that. I realized that my photography has taken a hit.  Life is not pretty.  My depressive state makes me see the world as just ho hum.  Bland.  blah.  And thus, I have barely pulled out my camera in the last month or so.  I need to remedy that.  And this morning, even though I didn't have my camera, I saw beauty. I made myself see it and actually focus on it.  The clouds were dark on top.....but underneath the clouds....actually radiating from the bottom of the clouds was a symphony of pink colors...all tucked neatly under the cloud.  Just pure beauty. 

You see.......fake it till you make it.  I will force myself to see the good to see the beauty.  And eventually it will be natural again for me. And as beauty and happiness return....maybe my weight problems will become less of a struggle.  Yeah, I'll still have some of the other issues...but if I'm not so depressed..........

Mid week

I'm plodding along.  I've exercised the last few days.  I've paid the price (chest pains for a few hours afterward) but I've done it. 

Had and ultrasound to check my gall bladder today.  Chest pains persist.  

I'm more than determined to lose the weight.   I had my bloodwork done last week.  The results came back and they called to put me on meds to bring my cholesterol down.  My cholesterol was 225.  HDL was 60 and my LDL was 150.    I'm upset that it's high again.  BUT, when I was previously this weight...it used to be 250-260 so it isn't as high as it's normally been. I also know that losing the weight will get it back in line.  When i was down at my lowest weight my cholesterol was just fine.  So I KNOW that I can get it down naturally.  I'll talk to the doctor next Thursday and basically say "give me 6 months" to see what I can do....and then we'll go from there.  Yeah, the cholesterol is the biggest negative factor toward my heart too......so that's not good at all.

Meanwhile...as of this morning my weight is down about 3 pounds from about a week ago.  (I was up on monday..but twas expected with the monthly ick)   So i'm happy.  I did eat a big breakfast today...and I'll be a few points over tonight.  But i think it will be fine.  :-)

Ok, the weight popped up yesterday.  Not gonna let it get to me.  It was just a crazy day.  

I am proud of myself today.  I had a waffle for breakfast......all was good.  But when they ordered lunch at work I so WANTED to order with them.  THEN they said they were ordering chinese.  I wanted it soo bad.  Ohhh I wanted it.  I could have eaten....but I wasn't hungry at all.  I would have eaten too...even though I wasn't hungry.  BUT, I declined.  EVERYONE here ordered out...except for me that is.  I ordered not.  I sat here and smelled that delicious smelling food.  I'll eat my packed lunch eventually.....fruit and veggies. But you know what...I'm not really hungry yet and I'm not going to eat my packed lunch just because I packed a lunch and just because it's lunchtime. (actually it's already almost 3PM) I'll eat WHEN MY BODY needs it.  At this point...maybe not until I get home for dinner.  It's all good.....i'm listening to my body today.

Hoping to do some kind of activity tonight....even if it is only a game on the xbox.  ANYTHING.  Gotta start small.  :-)

Doctors appointment today.  Back to square one.....the original diagnosis she thinks may have been faulty.  OK OK OK, she didn't say so in so many words....but hello.  So I had ANOTHER EKG done.  My blood pressure was sky high.....I'm having an ultrasound to check my gall bladder and I'll be taking prilosec to see if it helps in case it's acid reflux.  Ohh yes, I'm also having a whole battery of bloodwork done.  JOY JOY.  So basically we are ruling out one thing and then another.  Go figure.  I'm just frustrating.  I'm working on week 7 of this stuff.

The good news...she said since my EKG looked good (and the one at the ER supposedly also) she felt confident allowing me to go back to exercise.  SHe said start out small.  Do you think a zumba session would be small enough?    ROFL     I can tone that down if need be.  LOL

Eating today...not the greatest........grabbed food on the run sinec the doctor was an hour late seeing me...then the additional time of the EKG and then back in to see the doctor again to have her look at the test results.  Ohhh yeah, and the EKG machine wasn't working at first ....wouldn't print...so that took 30 minutes.  SO I had to grab food on the run.  NOT good.

Day one Down

I didn't have a fantastic perfect day yesterday with my eating.  But, I kept it together.  Where I went wrong?  I got home from work and started working on dinner...and I nibbled ...cheese was my downfall last night.  I was getting food out of the fridge and saw some sliced cheese......and I just couldn't resist.    So that was bad.  My water consumption was 'better'  but still not up to par...and yesterday evening I switched to diet Pepsi and finished off the two liter that I had started on Sunday.  So that severely impacted my water intake...because while I was drinking my diet soda...I was NOT drinking the remainder of my water.  Ooops.

I go back to the doctor on Thursday for another follow up visit with my doctor about this chest crud.  I'm hoping that I'm cleared to recommence exercise.  I actually plan on asking this.   "I know that exercise will  'hurt' because physical activity irritates.  BUT will it actually HARM me.  Will it delay my recovery.  Will it do permanent damage?"  If it is not going to HARM me, than I'm going back to exercise....I can take it easier and slower and start up and deal with the annoying pains.    Because I'm to the point that I'm tired of waiting.....it's been 6 weeks.  Well that and my zumba starts up again next Tuesday after the Christmas break.  tee hee hee

A New Year

A new year always gives us the motivation to reflect on where we are at, on where we want to be and what steps we need to take to get there and setting goals to get there..    I didn't do too much reflecting.  I didn't do too much goal setting.   Ok, that's a lie.  I have a couple...but I didn't set up clear cut goals..for the most part. 

The first one....I am setting a goal to REALLY work on my photography.  Take the best pictures.  Edit them in such a way that they dazzle.  Just become the best I can be.  Push myself out of my comfort zone.

The second one...and it's the biggie.  Lose this weight once and for all.  I've eaten myself into oblivion the last year or two.  Things in my life got rough and while I tried to deal with those things....I stopped taking care of myself.  In essence, I stopped caring about myself.  The more weight I gained, the worse I felt about myself....and the more I ate.   I'm regaining control. It makes me sick to think that it was 5 years ago that I started this blog....and while i had already lost some of my weight back then...I find myself ALMOST back to where I was..  Yes, I need to face the truth. Voice it.  I've gained back half of what I lost.  Most of it within the last year.  I've ducked behind the camera lens (goal one helps on that one) and avoided having to face the truth in pictures.  But the real truth is that I have gained a fair amount of weight.   At my lowest, I was 180....I'm sitting at 240 right now. Still a far cry from the 315 which is the highest I saw on the scales...but it's still a LOT of weight to regain.  

Lets look at the good side.  I know HOW to lose weight.  I've proven that in the past.  Another good fact...I didn't regain all of it!

The negative side.....I feel like a failure....and those feelings feed  my desire to shovel food (my drug) into my mouth.

SOOO what am I doing about it?   I set up my menu for the next two weeks (I usually do this).  But I went one step further.  I calculated the points values for each meal.  So each night when I glance at the menu to figure out if any prep needs done for the next days meal (or anything pulled out of the big freezers) I can also quickly say "ohhh tomorrow nights dinner will utilize 15 points...that's a little high/low so I need to adjust my lunch accordingly"   Versus eat what I want and then just damn the consequences.  I'm preparing myself for battle. 

I have a challenge with a friend.   Basically we are going through from today...until the first week of spring (actually the monday after the first day of spring as we are weighing in on Mondays).  It's nothing major...just a friendly competition...winner (biggest percentage lost) is rewarded with a small monetary reward by the loser.  Nothing to break the bank ($20) but enough to motivate.  :-)   Knowing that I work well under compatitions.....I tried to get my husband to compete with me as a second competition to movitate me...but well.....I'll just have to settle for that one competition.

Todd and I will be taking a long weekend in late April....most likely to ride in Girls With Gears (if the motivation carries me into training for it)....but either way we hope to hook up with Donna and Andy our friends.  That is just shy of 4 months.  My pie in the sky goal is to be back at 200 pounds.   But I will be happy with being back into the 'two hundred-teens'.  It's possible to reach my pie in the sky goal...or at least come close......WITH discipline. 

So moving forward....no looking back.

Trying

I'm trying.  I'm putting my food intake into the tracker on E-tools. Trying to get used to this new points plus system.  More difficult for me as I'm just changing over without the benefit of the meetings to teach me the finer points of the new system.  But I'm workin' it.  Luckily it's similar enough that I'm ok with the change.

I'm still on a restricted activity.  Yeah, I could get out and exercise...but movement hurts.  Deep breathing hurts.  And it just doesn't hurt while I do it....it causes the pain to flare up and then I suffer the rest of the day....or at least for a few hours. (depending on how bad it is).    I can't change the exercise stuff...but I can change my eating..and get that in line.  :-)  The exercise will recommence as soon as humanly possible.

I WILL lick this once and for all!

Report

Follow up Doctors appointment.  First of all let me say that I waited an HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES for this appointment.  There is no excuse....and there was NO apology or anything for my wait.  I walked into the doors of the ER on Sunday and walked out 2 hours later.  The ER was almost quicker than a visit to my family doctor...(and i had more tests done at the ER...).  I think it's time to find a new doctor!

Ok, diagnosis.  The doctor agrees with the diagnosis of Bronchitis.  The problem.....prolonged infections in your respiratory system can cause pleuritis (and inflamation in the lining of the lungs).   Uhh yeah....apparently three plus weeks (that's how long I"ve been dealing with this) is enough to cause that.  Joy joy.  What do you do for pleuritis........nothing.   Treat the original infection (done...the ER did that)  Anti-inflmatory drugs....so basically ibuprofen for a few weeks.  I have a follow up appointment on January 6th. Hopefully I'm healthy and well by then!

I got to thinking about this.  When the chest pains started to get worse, I kept telling myself  "MaryFran, you are NOT having a heart attack...you are only 38 years old."  But I knew that there IS a chance....even if I were younger.  I also realized that by regaining the weight I brought back the very thing that I worked so hard to eradicate.  And that was extra risk factors to my health.  I originally lost the weight for a few reasons...and one of those was because I knew that the added weight was going to kill me.  So while I denied how bad these chest pains were to everyone that would listen....inside I was beating myself up and telling myself that "this time you've done it...you've let things get out of control and your body has had enough of it"    Luckily that was not the case....but if I don't get it under control I may not be so lucky  next time.  One of these obesity related diseases WILL strike me.  (as it is, I need to get the weight down to bring my cholesterol back down!)

So while I really can't exercise.... (movement is NOT good.....causes the chest pains to increase in intensity tenfold) I  CAN start tracking my food and really starting to watch what I eat!

I go to see my family doctor tomorrow.  The chest is still feeling tight. Earlier today it was giving me grief.  Rigfht now it's just a minor nuisance pain.   If I keep my breathing more shallow and don't move too much I'm good.  :-)   That's not normal..so yeah, I'm heading to see my doctor tomorrow.

I also have decided that enough is enough.  I started tracking....AGAIN.  Just today.  I know it needs to be done.  I'll get used to the new points system in time I"m sure.   No, I can't exercise right now...but I can pull my eating back under control.  I haven't stepped foot on the scales since I've been back from our little mini vacation.   I will do that probably tomorrow morning (plus it will let me know if our scales are calibrated correctly.....matching at least somewhat to the doctors scales).  Nervous about that.

Sidelined

Yes, I'm sidelined. I'm trying to watch what I eat...but exercise is...well a thing that is not really in my vocabulary right now.

For the last two weeks (two and a half actually) I've been experiencing chest pains.  A tightness in my chest.  At first I just assumed that I was getting a chest cold...but 2.5 weeks later I've finally accepted that something is seriously wrong.  (I've not had any coughing or congestion)

SOoooo on Sunday i went to the ER.  EKG was fine.   Chest x-rays were fine.  So they sent me home with an antibiotic and said "you have bronchitis".   I've been on the meds now for 3 days....not much relief yet.  It feels half way normal (just a tingle when I breathe) in the morning...but as soon as I start moving around it progressivly worsens until by the evening I'm sitting with my hand on my chest.  I've also started to accept the fact taht I'm exhausted.  I fell asleep last night between 8:30 and 9PM.  And other than stumbling to the bedroom at about 10:30...I slept through to 7AM...and would have slept longer if the alarm wouldn't have gone off for Todd.   Saturday evening we went into a bookstore at 8PM....A bookstore!  And I couldn't even walk through the store....I just wanted to sit down (and did).

Soooo I'm not sure what's up.

reevaluation

I'm reevaluting the scale issue.  They have me back at the exact same weight that I was all last week.  I was that weight last night before I went to bed.  I was that weight this morning....and again AFTER I went tot he bathroom (yeah, TMI).   This is just odd.  I've always weighed daily....and NEVER have I been at the same weight like that.  TO THE OUNCE.  This is just not right!

I haven't fallen away, although it feels like it.  I'm still battling those more negative feelings that I spoke about in my most recent post.  I really dont' know how to go about it so I'm at a loss.  But I'm plodding along.

The Monday before Thanksgiving I decided that there is one thing that I DO know how to do.  One problem that I DO know how to fix.  Or at least I know what steps to take that should (and in the past have shown to work) to fix this problem.  That problem...my ballooning weight.  So I stepped up to the plate and made a vow to myself that I would lose...or at the very least show a maintain over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I didn't say anything much on here or to anyone.  I've failed so miserably lately and I just didn't want to have to come out and say "I failed again"  I knew it would be rough.  Not only was there a holiday (a big food holiday) involved....but I would be spending 4.5 days at my parents house...where snack foods, baked goods and just pure food heaven existed.  I set about my task.I weighed in every day.  Monday to get a starting weight and every day thereafter to monitor.  I wont way that I dind't have snacks.  On wednesday, I had two cookies...but watched my food intake the rest of the day.  Not starving...just healthier choices.  On Thursday I weighed myself....I was down about 2.6 pounds already.  I made good choices with my food intake on thursday...although I did eat three meals.  Just smaller portions and healthier choices.  I had a piece of cherry pie mid afternoon.  Friday morning...I weighed myself.....EXACTLY THE SAME AS THURSDAY!  WOO HOO!  It sparked me and I watched my food intake carefully on Friday, trying to make healthy choices when the options just weren't there for me.....I had a piece of pumpkin pie this day.  Saturday  morning...weighed myself.....EXACTLY THE SAME!  Saturday....more managing.....no snacks.  :-)   Sunday....the exact same weight.  I was starting to ponder this.  Not even budging an ounce???   That is odd.  Monday...weighed again...same exact weight.  I checked the scales by waiting until after my shower with a towel wrapped around me. (knowing that the water and towel would make me heavier)....it did show me 1.5 pounds higher...so I knew my scales were working.  Tuesday....what did I weigh?  Well exactly the same of course!     I kept at it...still fearful that my scales were working.  This morning......I showed a 1.4 loss!  WOO HOOOO!!!!!!!

So the moral of the story.  I didn't just maintain over thanksgiving....I lost 2.6 pounds!  AND I'm well on my way (1.4 pounds) to a loss for this upcoming week! 

Death of a Dream

Uhhhh yeah, I"ve been absent for a while.     And if you've read my blog for any length of time, you know what an absence means.  It means NOT good things.

I've gained a bit in the last few weeks.  Why is this so hard?

I'm kinda right now focusing on ME.  Not so much the eating me.  But I'm forcing myself to face some facts.  I've actually been meaning to write about this on here.  I wrote it in my private journal (in full detail way back on november 10th...just checked the date in that journal) and just never had the gumption to come on here and write it.  But then something else happened....in relation and it's thrown me into a deeper tailspin.

Ok...going back to a week ago.  I was thinking about goals and desires and dreams.  I realized that I'm somewhat afraid to dream and have big goals. Why was this though?   I started to think about some of the dreams I've had in the past.  The first one...I ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher.  Another one...It was always a foregone conclusion that I would be a parent....I just always knew.  There was another big one in the list that I'm not going to bring up right now...but it's a BIG one.  Well, when I identified those huge dreams....I realized that they have ALL bombed out...and BIG TIME.  Teaching...well, I wrote about that a while back.  NOT good.  The baby thing....for personal reasons we haven't even tried.  And the third one.....another huge negative.  I attempted to strive toward my dreams and goals and they have been  busted in a huge way.    As my dreams died, I have been shattered, depressed and just, well....not good.  In my melancholy moods, I became afraid to even dare to dream again.  The pain of losing those dreams and having them plucked from you (and sometimes in very hurtful and demoralizing ways) rendered me incapable of a lot.  I'm just drifting through my life aimlessly. No goals....no plans.  Just existing from day to day.

I've been struggling with this of late.  I recognize that there is a serious problem with having a lack of these intrinsically important things.  How does one take the step to dream again?  How does one even come up with dreams again?

Yesterday, I got hit with the news of a friend who is pregnant......it brought back all the emotions of my childless state. Yes, tears have fallen for me....even while I'm happy for my friend.   I just want to eat away my problems.  Todd had his follow up appointment after all the tests (which were in relation to the cancer scare and his digestive problems)....all came back clean....I just want to eat to celebrate.  Eating is all I have.  Yet eating adds to my desperation because I want to be thin.  I want to feel good about myself again.

Yet, I know that to truely feel good about myself, being thin is NOT enough. (I've been there once before and it didn't work...I felt good...but it wasn't enough....clearly as I gained the weight back).  I need to fix me from the inside out.  Now the question is how to do it?

I am holding steady.  Literally, steady.  My weight was exactly the same today as it was yesterday as it was on Monday.  I'm ok with that. I've eaten late dinners the last two nights and I've had two high intensity workouts on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.  Historically I don't show a loss after a high intensity evening workout. (they say something about your muscles when they are worked hard retain fluid for a day or so).  So I'm not too worried.  I'm just plugging along with my eating.  Yes....it's Thursday and thus far I'm 100% on target with my eating and food intake. I'm also 50% of the way to reaching my goal of 4 exercises for this week.  :-)

The longer I go and stay on target, the easier it actually becomes.....it really does build momentum. 

Weekly weigh in

OH my word...I just feel so brain dead today!   It's a Monday and I'm feelin' it down to the tips of my toes!

I am however VERY tickled!   Last weeks goal was a repeat of the previous weeks attempt to eat on target for 6 of the 7 days.    Last night I looked at my day planner and realized that I reached 6 days...and I would most likely make it the 7 days (I did).  I admit to using a few weekly points (no more than 2 a day) 2 or 3 days of the week.  But that is still well within the plan!  So a total success.  I squeaked out the carry over goal of 3 days of exercise throughout the week.   Yeah, it was way too easy because zumba gives me two of them. 

Soooo goals for this week, another 7 great days of eating.  And I'm going to bump up the exercise....aiming for 4 times!

So how did I do?   I lost 6 pounds!

WINNER!

Special Thanks to my co-worker who picked the magic number (7) as the miracle winner of my give away.  (yeah yeah yeah...it's monday and way too much work to go to a random generator site do-hickey to get my winner....I still went random...just old school).   Sooo without further ado....I give to you our winner!  

http://thisnthatwithjc.blogspot.com/

Give Away!

I am still working at keeping my eating under control.  It is a struggle.  MY tendency is to let my self do what I want.  But I know that I need to manage what I'm eating.  I also know that if I do it properly, I will NOT feel denied and that I will lose weight. There is a happy medium there...and I'm striving for it.  Meanwhile, I just want to lose the weight and get back to the emotional and physical state that I was in when I originally lost the weight.  I'm not saying that losing the weight will be the magical pill that will make me happy. But I know that i was more at peace with myself when I was thinner.  I also know that my body operated much much more efficiently. I had more energy.  I had more spark.  I had more gumption.  As the weight crept back on, that all started to dissipate.

SOOOO, I had always heard SOOO many people talking about smoothies.   Everyone RAVED about smoothies.  I purchased a few while I was out and about, but never took the leap into making them.  Until this past spring.  I decided to get off my butt and learn how to make them.  I experimented and enjoyed greatly.  To me they are the perfect breakfast.  I make about 16 ounces.  it has a serving of milk and roughly two servings of fruit. I can grab it and go.  It's the perfect breakfast....one I eat a few times a week.

Free stuff?  Give away?  Keep reading!

About a week or two ago I was contacted by the blogspark and offered to do a review on the Yoplait Frozen Smoothies.  I jumped at the chance!  One day last week (Friday I believe) I got home and there was a nice sized box on the front porch waiting for me.  It was from MyBlogspark!!!!! I took it inside and tore it open! Inside I received two coupons to try the Yoplait Frozen Smoothies (provided by Yoplait) and a 3 speed Kitchen Aid blender (provided by the fine people at Kitchen Aid).  I was jumping up and down with joy as I love love love kitchen gadgets (and Kitchen aid products are a favorite of mine) and of course as a food addict, I love food.  Two wonderful fun things all rolled into one!  Something that would even  help me in my quest to eat a healthy diet (I strive for at least 5 fruits and veggies a day smoothies have fruit!).     FINALLY yesterday I was able to hit up a grocery store to pick up my Yoplait frozen Smoothies. I was tickled to see that they contained no High Fructose Corn Syrup which I try to limit in my house (due to digestive problems with my husband).  Any product that refrains from using this ingredient as one of their top ingredients has a leg up with me.   This morning I pulled them out of the freezer and got down to business.

I laid my yummy and fun things out on the table.  You can see a cat decided to check them out. Mertz approved of course.

Then I got down to the business of making my smoothie. I chose the triple berry for my first attempt as I am a berry fanatic. It was actually very easy to make.  All that was involved was literally opening the bag (needed scissors/knife for that process) and dumping the contents of the bag into the blender. (and adding a glass of milk which I'll get to later)

I looked in and could see the real pieces of frozen fruit mixed in with the chunks of frozen yogurt. I added the required 1 cup of milk and then  I hit the switch on my new blender and whirled those yummy looking pieces of fruit into a delicious looking smoothie.

I couldn't resist.  I reached in with a spoon and took a taste... Delicious!  Creamy!  Fruity!  Bliss! I pulled out a glass and filled up the glass.  (I made mine with the minimum milk...so I ended up using a spoon to eat it.  The instructions stated that I could add more milk if I desired a less 'stiff' consistency)  I was ready to sit back and enjoy!

It was so very tasty!  I could taste bits the strawberries, blueberries and raspberries on my palette as I consumed my smoothie.  Every once in a while I would get a little taste of the yogurt that hadn't completely blended smooth (OK, so I may have been in a hurry to taste it and rushed the blending process).  But I LOVED the little bits of yogurt!  VERY yummy!

My only fault with the product.  The bag serves two....two 8 ounce glasses of smoothie.  I...uhhhh I'm a food addict...I usually make a 16 ounce glass of smoothie. So one bag served ONE in my case.  Not a big deal as this is a total convenience food purchase....the work is done.  No cleaning of fruit.  No cutting up fruit (banana if you get the strawberry banana smoothie pack).  Just pour out the bag.  So well worth the price to pay for that convenience....even if I did use the whole bag on just me.  And the upside of doing that.  Well, the bag claims that one serving provides one serving of fruit....guess I just got two servings!

Taking the nutrition information off the back of the package...and for a prepared smoothie...it is as follows:
calories -110
fat- 1.5
fiber 2 g
protein 1 g

(OK if you want the rest of the nutrition facts....you can go to their website)

I would give this product a thumbs up.  I honestly will probably continue making my normal smoothies with fresh fruit (because I do have and take the time).  But I will be keeping a bag or two of the yoplait smoothies in my freezer for a quick fix (for when I may be out of fresh fruit). 

If you are interested in this product,  you can follow this link and get a wonderful coupon for this product and you too can try it out!

I am offering a give away for a prize package similar...provided by Yoplait and Kitchen Aid via Blogspark.  To get a chance to win, all you need to do is make a comment telling me what you love about smoothies.  If you've never tried a smoothie...just let me know and that will count also.  :-)  You have until Midnight on October 31 to make your comments!  Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy my make some smoothies and get some more servings of fruit into my diet!

I made it through yesterday's eating relatively unscathed.  I admit to using some weekly points (4.5 of them) but in the grand scheme of things I'm ok with that.  I plan on the rest of the week being spot on.  :-)  So I'm calling it a success, because for being on a vacation day....it could have been a WHOLE LOT WORSE. (and has been in the past)

I don't like to use many of my weekly points.  I've noticed that when I do...I tend to not lose.  So I want to try to stay away from them most days.  When I was losing steadily before, I would use some weekly points the day of my weigh in...and then no more until the next weigh in day.  So That would work because yesterday was my weigh in day. 

I finally broke down and bought a few clothes items.  (goodwill baby...all the way).  I was operating on two pairs of dress pants for work.  That doesn't take you far during a 5 or 6 (every other week) work week.  So I bought two pairs of pants and one skirt.  (10 bucks total....and one of the items still had the tags from the store on it).  I figured I need to feel better about myself in the clothes that i'm wearing.  I'm still bored with my tops....but I at least have some more options with those. (especially as winter rolls toward us...because I have lots of sweaters...I never got rid of my sweater when I lost the weigh...because sweaters can be bulky so I kept them!)  So one step toward bringing myself back.

I'm ready.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to be thin again!!!!!

The Challenge

Not a collosal failure last week.  I tracked every bite that went into my mouth.  EVERY bite.  The first four days I was EXCELLENT.   The last three days...well, I tried.  I tried to chose healthier options and make healthier wiser choices.  We ate out...A LOT.  I also had birthday cake to contend with.  Yes, I had two pieces (german chocolate cake is what he asked for).   We went to a hockey game....I had  a pretzel at the arena....NO, I had a HALF of pretzel.  The hockey game. (minor league) was in Hershey, PA.....so I had chocolate (is it possible to go to hershey and NOT have chocolate???)

SOOO my results.  For the week.....I ONLY went over my total points (daily AND 35 weekly included) by 2 points.  So that isn't TOO bad.  It could have (and in the past) would have been a lot worse. I'm not calling it a success though.   So I'm redoing this challenge!

On the flip side...if I wouldn't have been doing this challenge....I KNOW that I would have done a WHOLE lot more damage.....I didn't gain any weight this past week...and actually dropped a slight bit on the scale...so in that regard it was a success!

cheating

Day three in the books....two smiley stickers afixed to day planner.  One for an hour of zumba last night...and one of course for my superior eating skills that I displayed yesterday.   Onwards and upwards...working on day four.  (days 5, 6 and 7 will be difficult as I'll be off work on some vacation days with my husband as we celebrate his birthday...but I'm going to perservere!)

Cheating........yes I'm a closet eater.  I admit it.  When I'm home alone, I tend to lose control and eat.  Because if no one is there....well...you get the point.  I think part of my problems stem from the fact that when I'm on my own for dinner, I tend to 'nibble' or snack.  I don't have a set dinner.  So I'm not mentally feeling like I'm getting a real meal.   I do better when I have something like a grilled cheese and tomato soup.  Fat free turkey dogs...another.  I feel like I'm getting a meal.    Weird I know.  (and yes....sodium city...but that's not the issue for this blog).    So yes, I know that problem and I can do stuff  to combat it.   But actual cheating.....I don't believe in that word.  I don't taboo anything.  If i want pizza...I eat pizza...if I want something high caloric or high fat...I eat it.   Historically speaking, I would try to eat the high foods after a full day of manual labor in the yard....or after a super charged workout.  OR for my 'splurge' meal.  By doing so...I never really had foods that I considered a cheat.  I allowed it.  I just worked it into my eating schedule and budget.  So no cheating.  EVERYTHING is allowed.  Moderation.....and budgeting is the key.  Ohhh yeah, and actually REALLY knowing if it's something you want.    I don't waste that 'splurge' budget on something that I REALLy don't want. 

Rollin' on!

Two days down and marked as a total success as I work on my weekly goal.  Day three is lookin' really good also!   Breaking it down into a week at a time really does work.  A day is too short. (there is always tomorrow) and a month is too long.  A week is just perfect.  You can do anything for a week.   Thus far it's working for me! 

Zumba last night...zumba tonight.  Getting in the exercise also.  And yes, I would like to reach last weeks goal of 3 time of exercise also for this week.  That's not my goal...but I would like to match it.  Basically build upon last weeks with this weeks goal. 

I've talked about feeling like a failure before.   Numerous times. But it's so apropos right now.  I have felt like a failure in many arenas of my life in the last 10 years or so.  It sometimes feels as if I've failed at everything I've attempted.  I even failed at keeping the weight off.  It makes a little part of me not want to try.  To curl up in a corner, cry and just give up. I'm not going to...I'm not a quitter.  I'm going to win at weight loss...even if it is the only thing in my life that is not a colossal failure.

Attitudes

I did it.  Even with my breakfast of red velvet cake, I was able to watch my food intake the rest of the day and manage to chose my food wisely and to stay on track and within my points.  After dinner, I went to my computer and opened up my day planner and put in my sticker for eating on track for the day.  A little later I wanted something to eat. Notice I said wanted.  I didn't NEED anything....I just wanted.  But every time the thought popped into my head, I looked down at my open day planner and at that little green smiley face and I knew I didn't want to have to peel that darn sticker off of the page...so I resisted the temptation. 

I have already laid out my eating for today.....it's actually already been entered into Etools (yes, when they changed the time on my WW meeting...with no other option available for me to attend due to my work schedule...and I had to quit WW...I did keep Etools.....the app for the iPhone alone makes it way too handy!)  So my food is already lined up today...with 2.5 points to spare...as a cushion so to speak. So I'll be able to have a Popsicle or something tonight. WEEEEE

I've been thinking a lot about weight and how it alters not only our perceptions of ourselves but also how we live our lives.  When I was thinner, I felt good about myself.  And I dressed in such a way that showed that I felt good about myself.  I dressed in a nicer, less sloppy manner.  Not just in my clothes choices...because i can argue that the gained weight has affected my choice of clothes (I refuse to buy lots of clothes at this size) but everything.  When I had lost the weight and was at my lowest....I wore high heeled shoes....I looked for 'slick' or 'sexy' looking shoes.  And I wore them.  I took pride in myself.  I painted my nails more often.  I just cared more.  And looking back, as I started to gain....that pride started to slip.  I started wearing sloppier clothes (partly because I gained weight and that severely limited my clothes choices) I stopped wearing my cool shoes (OK, so cool shoes just don't look right with sloppy attire).  The nails were not painted.  I just slowly stopped caring.  And as I stopped caring....I felt worse and worse about myself.  They go hand in hand.  You feel fat and you don't want to take the time....which is depressing in itself.  But then because you don't want to take the time....because of lack of pride or whatever you wish to call it.....you stop caring....which only drives you further into that depression.  It really is a vicious cycle. 

What sparked that thought.  I was out this past weekend and for some unknown reason perused down the boot aisle and found a pair of really cool looking boots.  (Todd said that they looked 'slick').  I bought them.....which meant that yesterday I had to actually dress not so sloppy.  I wore black dress pants, a purple button down suede top and I topped that with a black dress jacket....and of course my black boots.  I actually wore my hair down...instead of the comfy braid that I normally wear (OK, not sure if I can give up the braid too often...lol).  But I felt different.  More confident.  My attitude about myself changed.  Yes, I was still disgusted about my weight....but my attitude was different about myself. 

I am not going to avow to dress that way everyday at this current time.  One, I am scraping the bottom of the barrel in clothes that I can comfortably wear.....and TWO...I only have a few pairs of slacks that I CAN wear to work under the dress code....and some are more casual.  But I am going to try to dress nicely at least once or twice a week.  And of course as I lose weight and can fit back into my whole wardrobe that I had picked up while at my lower weight (regular shopping, goodwill shopping AND my manager at work has a daughter that loves to shop....and frequently gives away clothes......TONS of clothes!) I'll be able to dress more nicely on a much more regular basis.    One step at a time.

A new week

I reached my goal last week....I exercised three times.  A total of 4.5 hours. (Tuesday Zumba for one hour......Wednesday zumba for 2 hours....and Sunday walk on the canal for one and a half hours.  So I can say that my goals for this past week were met!

One week at a time.....only focusing on one week.  The focus on this week will be keeping my eating on target ALL week.  (ok, my goal is actually for 6 days...but I'm secretly aiming for 7 days).  And that's all I'm worried about...eating right all week.  (ok, so there was an incident with a piece of red velvet cake this morning...but not to worry...the rest of the cake went into the garbage can immediately after I realized that I scarfed down a piece of cake for breakfast...but you know what...I'll just have to be a bit more careful the rest of the day.  The day is not shot!  I can still pull this one off).   One week.  I can do one week!

Ohhh should I say that the one week will encompass my husbands birthday?   It will encompass some time off of work in which we will be out and about.  Birthday cake???   I can do it!   I sit back and think about making it through that landmine and I get sad.  I feel like I'll be denying myself and it will be sad and just miserable.  But looking back....it isn't miserable.  When I'm in control...I'm actually happier with myself.  There is a sense of pride a sense of empowerment.   I want that.  And next monday...I'm going to have it!  I can do it!

I'm appalled once again at our society and what is acceptable.  Last night we went to pizza hut.  Todd and I ordered the dinner for two.  If you haven't been to pizza hut for a while let me tell you about the dinner for two.  It used to be a medium pizza, two salads and two drinks.  Pretty darn good deal.  Then they added breadsticks.....and just last night we found out that they also added a dessert to it.  For twenty bucks you get two drinks, a medium pizza, an order of breadsticks, two salads and an order of dessert sticks.  HELLO......can we say that's WAY TOO MUCH FOOD FOR TWO PEOPLE.  I'm ashamed to admit.....I ate a lot of food.  I ate to the point of being sick to my stomach.  And I've vowed taht the next time we go to pizza hut (we don't go often...maybe once or twice a year) we will NOT be getting the dinner for two.  We will get the pizza and maybe the salads and of course the drinks.  I don't care that we may end up paying the same amount or even more money to get less food.  I will NOT have that much food brought to the table for TWO PEOPLE!  Appalling!  (now on the flip side......it would have been perfect for 4 people!)  And we wonder why obesity is on the rise?????

Just Do it!

Just do it!   I'm at the point where I'm tired of saying I'm going to do it.  I"m tired of talking about doing it. I'm tired of being depressed because I'm NOT doing it.  It's time to JUST DO IT!  Stop sitting on my butt and whining.  Get up and DO IT.  It really is as simple as the slogan.....Just do it!  There is nothing stopping me.  There are no road blocks.  It really is just ME doing it! 

Workin' it.  I knew that yesterday would be difficult. Not making excuses because there is only one person to blame for me eating the food that I ate.  And that person is me.  It boils down the the fact that if I want to lose weight, I need to learn to say  no.   Even if it's just saying no to myself.  Just Say NO!  (I"m just full of slogans today)

My goal was to exercise three times this week (pretty easy goal).  I've gotten 2 in....so sometime between now and Sunday night, I need to get a third in. 

My goal for next week........Continue with the 3 exercises.  But i want to have a week where I am on target with my eating 6 days of the week.  I'm human.  I understand that.  I also understand that if I deny myself, that I will be miserable and end up binging.  So I'm going to stick with the 'one MEAL' splurge a week.  ONE ONE ONE!   That way I can have those comfort foods that I so super high in fat and calories. But I can still manage.

Why Yes!

I knew that today would be rough.  Todd has been on a liquid diet since Tuesday and then had to do the prep work for a colonoscopy.....so I knew that when the test was done today that he would want to go out to eat somewhere.  I planned accordingly and ate a lighter breakfast.  We finally were able to eat lunc at 3:30.  I was hungry...and ordered a nice meal.  When Todd asked if I wanted to order a bottomless basket of chips and salsa....what else did I answer other than "Why Yes!"   I think I may have even clapped my hands with glee.  We ate lunch and went home.  After being at home for a few hours Todd was like "Ice cream at Nutters?" (nutters is our local ice creamery)   But of course there is no guess work in how I answered. "Why yes!"  I cried out with childish delight as I ran to put on my shoes.  

I seemingly had no control.  I can say that thank heavens, I did have fat free yogurt as my choice at the ice cream shop.  I haven't figured out the damage from lunch...but I'll take my knock and move on!

Last night, I made it to the 5:30 zumba session for my make up from the previous week.  After that hour of activity, I stayed for the 6:45 sessions of zumba.  So I worked out for 2 hours.  YIPPEE.  Mind over matter.  Yes, my legs were feeling heavy toward the end of the 2 hours.  But I put my mind to it and completed it with the same vigorous movements that I had started my zumba stint with!

I can do this!

Self-hatred

I've pulled up blogger for the last few days.  And the empty screen sits and stares at me. I write nothing and at the end of the day I 'X" out of it...not a word written.

How do you say I've failed miserably.  How does one say that I have allowed myself to slide back further than I ever thought possible.  How does one say that this addiction that I struggle with has gripped me and made me forget everything that I have worked for. 

I have never totally stopped trying or caring.  But caring for 3 days or 4 days or even five days out of the week doesn't cut it.  Caring from the time i wake up until 6PM..only to follow up with an evening of food extragavanza doesn't cut it.  I have been the same weight for roughly the last 6 months or so.  I lose 4-5 pounds...then gain 4-5 pounds.  I'm on a teeter-totter.....and I HATE it.  I look at myself and feel hatred for allowing myself to regain 50 pounds.  Yes, 50 pounds.  I want to cry.  I want to wail.  I want to gnash my teeth.  I want to scream.  I'm in utter anguish.  Yet I try and try and try again and again....just to fail.  The lure of food.  My addiction in a nutshell. 

I know that it's possible to pull myself out of this.  To lose the weight again.  And I also know that it's possible to keep the weight off.  I need to dig deep within myself.  Focus on myself.  Do this for all the right reasons.   And this time, when I say I will never again be in the two hundreds...I will actually take care to make sure that never happens.  I will NOT have a repeat of this.  It is debilitating.....and I know that physical issues aside...I NEVER want to feel the emotional stress of this again!

So what is my plan?    I'm taking it one day at a time.  Focusing on eating right for ONE day.  Not looking at the big picture of how much I have to lose.  Focusing on doing the right thing simply for that one day.  Tomorrow is a new day...and I'll worry about eating right when that day comes.  I'm going to focus on my old system.....a sticker a day in my calender for each day on target....an extra sticker for each day of exercise.  And a sticker at the end of the week for my weekly challenge met.  I did this about 3-4 years ago and it was encouraging to see the rows of stickers indicating daily success.  It was also sobering and eye opening to see a few days go by with no stickers.  

This week is admittedly rough....todd is having all sorts of tests that require fasting....liquid diets...whatnot.  So whenever he has a window where he can eat....we go....and of course I eat with him!  Not good. 

I'm still doing Zumba twice a week.  I may actually go for broke tonight (I missed a session last week) and do a make up session before my normal session...so 2 hours of zumba.  I can do it!  I did 4 hours (or more) back in July....OUTSIDE under the sun and in the heat!  I need to do something else though...2 days of workouts is NOT enough each week.  I need to push it up a notch.  

My weekly goal for this week...exercise THREE times.  And no...as much as I want to cheat and count my double workout tonight as two times...NOPE...counting it as ONE.

Where I'm at

I'm not in a good place.  I am disgusted with myself.  I'm saddened by the fact that I did something that I swore I would never do (regain the weight).  I'm mad at my body for the signs and symptoms that the added weight have returned to me.  I'm angry at the addiction that seems to take over.   But in the same breath, I feel anger at myself for not being able to control my addiction.

I think what makes it worse is that I've felt the taste of thinness.  I've felt what it feels like to live without weight related aches and pains.  I've tasted the the sweetness and I want it back!!!!!

My eating has actually been within my points range both on Monday and Tuesday.  Admittedly, Monday while it had lots of fruits and veggies was a little heavy on carbs.  Tuesday, I got in an hour of tennis and an hour of zumba.....but I had a really late dinner (9PM).  But I was within my points allotment for the day. So taht's good.   I'm trying!  I hope that I can see some progress on the scales SOON!

Wow....it's been just about two weeks....lots to talk about

Wow, has it ever been a long time since I last wrote.  What a whirlwind.   On September 2, 2010 at 6PM, my vacation officially began.  I relaxed that evening, but the next morning started the mad pace of activity.  I had set a goal to at least maintain my weight on my vacation. I knew it was going to be difficult.  But I was hoping!   I just looked back...the monday before my vacation started I was at 229.0.  So that was my starting point.

Friday, the first day of vacation dawned bright.  Todd and I headed out early and hit up Lowes to buy supplies for our home improvement projects and then quickly headed back to the house to begin.  The projects?   Replace the front door (and when we replaced the front door....we actually cut away and reframed the doorway so that we could put in a standard sized door....more work, but better), replace the soft subfloor in the kitchen and entryway, put in new linoleum in the laundry room and lay the wood flooring in the entryway and kitchen.  So some pretty big projects. We worked ALL day on Friday.  So much so that I ended up getting a sub from the local shop (the only one in Sharpsburg) and then for dinner I went back to the same place and picked up more food (chicken tenders for me).  Saturday, we cancelled our plans to go to the Rennasaince festival in order to get the front door more secure and to finish the sub floor.  Breakfast...at home.  Lunch (sheetz sandwiches that I picked up while out running an errend).  Dinner Chinese food.  So the first few days of vacation were not to stellar on eating.  The only saving grace?   I was up and moving from literally sun up to sun down.

Sunday rolled around and we pulled out of the house bright and early and headed South.  Our first stop?  Staunton, VA....and to be more specific, The Frontier Culture Museum.  We were there for a few hours, walking and seeing everything that they had to offer.





We left the Frontier Culture Museum and went to eat at the restaurant "Country Cookin'  I ordered the 'sides  bar' and did pretty well with a salad and lots of veggies.  I did indulge in desserts there. (I had said I would indulge in desserts two times on my vacation, Country Cookin' was one of them).  We left the restaraunt and walked through the mall and then headed into the historic area of Staunton.  We walked all around Staunton for a few hours and then finally hit up the hotel.  We ate dinner (Mill Tavern Restaurant...where I had a vegetable pasta dish...but we split a cheese spinach dip appetizer) and then went back to the hotel where I worked out in the fitness center for 40 minutes and then went swimming for 40 minutes.  Drinks (2 for me) in the bar and we called it a night....exhausted from all the walking.

Monday dawned and we headed out.  Breakfast at a little dinner in Staunton (chocolate chip pancakes for me) and then off to Charlottesville, VA.  Our first stop was Monticello (Thomas Jefferson's home).   We were there from around 9Am until about 3:30. 



The plan was to leave Monticello and hit up the Mitchie Tavern for a late lunch and then tour the old tavern.  Sadly enough, we got to the tavern at exactly 3:30...they close the restaraunt at 3:30.   So we simply toured the tavern.


After the tour we decided that we were not dying of hunger so we decided to hit up Ash Lawn Highland (Monroes Home).

On the way home, we couldn't (ok...Todd couldn't) resist hitting up an winery....Jefferson Orchards.


We ended up eating at Chili's on the way home.  We split the chips and salsa as an appetizer and I got a BBQ chicken meal.

Tuesday.....right back at it with laying the flooring.  Lunch was at home....I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some pasta salad that I had made early in the morning.  Dinner....veggies and rice.  I did make it to Zumba that evening!

Wednesday was a day of errands in town.....I weighed myself in the morning and found that I was at 235 pounds.  YIKES. not good...I was so active with all that walking...I was shocked and worried.  Lunch....A veggie burrito at Southwestern Moe's.....dinner....can't remember.  We played an hour of tennis in the afternoon...and I went to zumba.

Thursday, I did groceries in the morning... and in the afternoon we unloaded the van, reorganized our sound equipment and reloaded the van.....lunch was at Quizno's (pesto turkey torpedo) and dinner was a sub from battleview.

Friday....off again.  We headed to Lancaster County, PA.  We did all the normal things like headed to Wilburs for a piece of chocolate (we ate in Lititz beside Wilburs ...i had a turkey croissant sandwich and a cup of soup), and Intercourse for the canning company and the kettle kitchen.  We took a buggy ride and then headed to The Green Dragon.  After the Green Dragon, we checked into our hotel and relaxed before heading out to dinner at Stoudts (a restaraunt/brewery)  I had a salad, stuffed chicken (all marinated in the octoberfest beer) mashed potatoes and steamed veggies.   We took a drive and ended up visiting a small towns festival where we stayed to hear a bit of live music before heading back to the hotel.


Saturday we were up and running. After breakfast at a local diner (chipped beef gravy and home fries) Our first stop was the Ephrata Cloisters.  We walked and toured that for a few hours...then headed to Bird-in-hand where we went to the farmers market there.   We had a little time to kill so we headed to Strasburg and enjoyed the steam engine a bit before heading to the American Music Theater to see the house band's current show.  We ate Dinner at Jakey's BBQ...where I had BBQ'd chicken, some chicken corn soup, macaroni salad and corn fritters.  I had said that I WOULD have a piece of shoofly pie as my second dessert...so I also had some pie.   We drove home and that day was over.







Sunday started at 5AM.  We were running sound for a fundraiser for the fallen heros organization.  It was a long day.  Unloading the van, setting up gear....running the sound...tearing down.  But for a good cause.  :-)

Monday...back to work......boooo   But I weighed myself yesterday morning  229.4.  So for two weeks...of which 10 days I was on vacation, I only gained .4....I conside that a victory.   I know that my weight will flucuate greatly the next few days as I get myself back onto a good routine....drinking my water and eating right.   I didn't exercise yesterday.  But this morning I have already played tennis for an hour....and tonight is my zumba night.  WOO HOOO!

Peace

The potomac, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I have not given up. I"m still trying to eat healthy. It's difficult sometimes. I'm also making a real effort to get exercise back into my daily routine. I went walking on monday, on Wednesday I rode the exercise bike and this morning I drug myself (and my husband) out of bed for trip to the tennis courts.

But mostly, of late, I'm trying to find peace within myself. Peace with everything that's going on.....most of which I have little or no control over. Peace.......HIGHLY UNDERRATED!