Thursday, November 18, 2010

Death of a Dream

Uhhhh yeah, I"ve been absent for a while.     And if you've read my blog for any length of time, you know what an absence means.  It means NOT good things.

I've gained a bit in the last few weeks.  Why is this so hard?

I'm kinda right now focusing on ME.  Not so much the eating me.  But I'm forcing myself to face some facts.  I've actually been meaning to write about this on here.  I wrote it in my private journal (in full detail way back on november 10th...just checked the date in that journal) and just never had the gumption to come on here and write it.  But then something else relation and it's thrown me into a deeper tailspin.

Ok...going back to a week ago.  I was thinking about goals and desires and dreams.  I realized that I'm somewhat afraid to dream and have big goals. Why was this though?   I started to think about some of the dreams I've had in the past.  The first one...I ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher.  Another one...It was always a foregone conclusion that I would be a parent....I just always knew.  There was another big one in the list that I'm not going to bring up right now...but it's a BIG one.  Well, when I identified those huge dreams....I realized that they have ALL bombed out...and BIG TIME.  Teaching...well, I wrote about that a while back.  NOT good.  The baby thing....for personal reasons we haven't even tried.  And the third one.....another huge negative.  I attempted to strive toward my dreams and goals and they have been  busted in a huge way.    As my dreams died, I have been shattered, depressed and just, well....not good.  In my melancholy moods, I became afraid to even dare to dream again.  The pain of losing those dreams and having them plucked from you (and sometimes in very hurtful and demoralizing ways) rendered me incapable of a lot.  I'm just drifting through my life aimlessly. No plans.  Just existing from day to day.

I've been struggling with this of late.  I recognize that there is a serious problem with having a lack of these intrinsically important things.  How does one take the step to dream again?  How does one even come up with dreams again?

Yesterday, I got hit with the news of a friend who is brought back all the emotions of my childless state. Yes, tears have fallen for me....even while I'm happy for my friend.   I just want to eat away my problems.  Todd had his follow up appointment after all the tests (which were in relation to the cancer scare and his digestive problems)....all came back clean....I just want to eat to celebrate.  Eating is all I have.  Yet eating adds to my desperation because I want to be thin.  I want to feel good about myself again.

Yet, I know that to truely feel good about myself, being thin is NOT enough. (I've been there once before and it didn't work...I felt good...but it wasn't enough....clearly as I gained the weight back).  I need to fix me from the inside out.  Now the question is how to do it?


bbubblyb said...

My suggestion is therapy, I know without it I wouldn't be where I am. I also know that life has it's problems no matter what and we all have things we have to go through at times. I hope you can get through everything and find joy in your life. I'm here if you ever want to talk *hugs*.

MissyMcM said...

Glad to see you back in whatever state you are in. I don't have any advice for you...just know that I care. It is easy to slap a smile on a frowning face and just walk, but eventually you do have to face it. Do it in your own time and in your own way. Be good to yourself.

Michelle @ Those Last 75 Pounds said...

Thanks for sharing. I can completely relate. The baby thing has escaped me as well. While I'm happy for all my friends pregnancies, my heart breaks a little for myself every time and new one is announced or worse - when my little sister 13 years younger got engaged. Hug!

E. Jane said...

During our lives, we sustain losses that can leave us almost without hope. I am so sorry for your losses and the sadness they have brought to your life. "But I also believe tht we can go on and live well and happily with what we have. Sometimes we need to grieve a bit, however. But if that grieving goes on too long or if it paralyzes us, we may need some outside help.

I'm glad that you're writing and trying to figure things out. Take care and my best to you...

Anne H said...

Knowing there's an issue is a great place to start to fix it! And now-a-days there are lots of great tools available!
It only looks bleak from the bottom, looking up!
It really does get better - maybe just one moment at a time!

VRaz60 said...

Sorry to hear you're having difficulties, but you know there is help out there. Perhaps now is the time. Don't suffer, be pro-active, and get back on track. Wishing you all good things.

Lovebug6100 said...

I feel like we're in the same place right now..on most issues...and it's an ugly place, a paralyzing place...and I keep waiting for something to change, to help me change...the path I'm going will kill me quite literally...but instead of motivating me, it makes me more likely to keep myself here...but keeping myself here allows others to win....and I'm hoping at some point I will be important enough to save.....hopefully we'll come to this conclusion together....until then we just keep moving forward, waiting for the CHANGE! Hang in there...I'm thinking of you!