Victory

Somehow I held on and had loss this week. 227.0 pounds.   I know it is a combination of the ick moving onward and the fact that I ate really lightly last night.    

Yes I know for some odd reason my emotions were on edge last night.  Let's just say that falling in love and risking my heart again has been an emotional roller coaster....i am ecstatically happy but I have days where I fear him walking away and breaking my heart....I guess that's natural!  Luckily they are now few and far between...but when they come they ache!!! 

Here is the thing.    Yesterday for lunch I had a packet of belvita breakfast bars (I've been eating them for lunch) and an orange...and dinner a pb&j.   I should have been hungry....but I actually was just fine without more food.   Thank heavens for emotions and a cat weighing me down and keeping me in my chair!!!   Makes me wonder how much food we eat that we really honestly have absolutely no need for!!!

It's hard to not eat food when it's there and available....and when we are bored...stressed...or any array of emotions!  Last night my lethargy caused by emotions and my old cat Ethel in my lap disallowing me to get up without a grumpy cat in my hands helped me make this realization.   But that was one night   I wish I knew how to easily stop and get it under control....because I can say that while I had my epiphany about the pb&j being enough To really satisfy me, I know that when push comes to shove if I sit back tonight and am confronted with food....it will probably have a different end result.  

Sweet Spot

Is it any shock to say that I am NOT enjoying this journey right now??   I am in a sweet spot with my weight though.....so that's a good thing.   What do I mean about a sweet spot?   Basically I am easily able to maintain my weight.   When I just throw up my hands in defeat...or when I buckle down...my weight stays within a one to two pound range.  

So I haven't written in a while..so here is the update....

I actually kept my eating somewhat under control...no didn't walk quite as much...but I did run and get some walking in!

Jason and I spent that weekend (the last weekend in August) roaming around old graveyards, churches and museums.

My weight held steady.

I am proud to announce though that my 40 miles in August was completed!!!!!   Not much wiggle room but it was done!!! I ran 40.48 miles!!!    So I am aiming for 40 miles again in September!  40 was a stretch for me with my pace, work schedule and life responsibilities.  If/when it starts to become easy to get that number is the time to up it!!!

This past week...well...food tracking had NOT happened!!!  Have I eaten within my budget?   Who knows?   I don't think it was crazy outside of what I normally eat....notice I said 'think'.   But I know it was more than normal!!

I have thought about it....and I know what I want and where I want to be.   And I know what I have to do to get there!!!  I just need to do it!!!!   

Plans?  

1.  Start using the gym that I pay for on a monthly basis. (In addition to my running)   Maybe try to hit a class or two here and there.  

2. Use the stair stepper leg thingy that I have at home....even if it is just 15 minutes a day!!

3. Upper body.....I am weak!!!   I need to fix that

4.  Resume tracking immediately!

5. Run run run....

Yes, I have noticed that most of my plans center around exercise.   And yes, I know that weight is lost in the kitchen and not the gym.  But I also know that when I'm exercising ...I may be hungrier but typically I tend to eat healthier!  Go figure!!

So this weekend Jason and went away.  The weather was gorgeous...perfect hiking weather!   However, we were feeling lazy and just wanted a low key weekend!!!  (Plus we hate crowds and I imagine the trails were wall to wall people!!). So we roamed through little towns...did some antiquing.....hit up old restaurants....watched tv.....talked and laughed together.  It was low key....and just what we both probably needed!!

I still think the straw hat should have been a purchase!!!

So back to the grind today!!   Work. Food.  Exercise!!!  

Epiphanies

I drew that line in the sand last week and said it was time to clean up my eating.  I did fairly well on Wednesday night.  (My breakfast and lunch had already done me in calorie wise but the evening I did pretty good).   Thursday night I fell apart.  Sheetz.....pepperoni pretzel melt and of course I couldn't keep it at just that.  I also ordered a fried appetizer sampler.   Tater tots, fried cheese and fried macaroni and cheese bites.   And I grabbed a package of Reeces Cups.  (At least it was the small package and not the king size!).    On Friday I would like to say that it got better....but uhhh no.  I had some cheese puffs and while it was a smaller bag....that bag was still 3 servings, and I ate them ALL!   Saturday I didn't do well either......hey, we stopped at a local fair and had fair food for lunch!
On sunday I started to turn it around though!    And while I'm not being 'perfect' in my eating. I am doing really well!  (Perfection only sets one up for failure, so I'm just aiming for 'good')

I have been active!  Lots of walking...and even some hiking!

My running.....well my work schedule kept me from running on Monday and Tuesday this week...so I am just starting to work on my weekly miles.  Not a biggie.  I ran this morning and managed 2.42 (not bad after a long mountainous hike yesterday).   That leaves me with 6.8 miles to run by the end of the month to meet my 40 mile goal.  Piece of cake!   

And I showed a nice loss!   Last week my weight was up and I wasn't expecting it...I think a lot was water weight and just what I had eaten the night before.  This morning I woke up thirsty and feared my weigh in results.  But I was down....

So on Sunday I had an epiphany.   I'm not going to go into it too deeply here. But I saw a commercial for a car.   I started to think about how my car is 12 years old and nearing 200,000 miles.  I am very blessed that it runs smoothly and well. (It's a litttle loud right now but that will be fixed when I get new tires and replace the control arm.....I'm just holding off on the tires to suck as much life out of them as possible...before winter for sure!)   It saddened me to realize that while I work full time, I struggle to get by...and I'm not really getting by.  I can't afford a new car (or a used one).  I can't afford an apartment on my own (Thank you mom and dad for the roof over my head!).   It's a struggle.     Once I went to that place in my head, I started to really delve into how my 'career' ended up here.  From teaching and what went wrong there (Yeah, I always get a little melancholy at the beginning of the school year) to various jobs that had I known what I know now I would have made my career instead of a 'job'.  To my dead end job that I currently have.   It wasn't pretty.  
At the same time, I started to think about other aspects of my life  such as relationships......my marriage.  Pride that I got out of a bad situation.  My relationship wtih Jason.  Happiness and joy to experience what I am experiencing with him.   
I thought about all the dreams and hopes that I had for my future.....some of them gone forever...some of them being revived.  (Thank you Jason).
And of course my coursing and weaving through these revelations and feelings were thoughts about my weight.   How I wished I had tried to lose the weight when I was 18 so that college would have been a different experience.   How I wish I would have tired to lose weight at 25 so that such and such would have been different.   And maybe losing at 30 so that I could have had kids. (Yes, sad to have that dream die but in reality a blessing when the marriage ended).  So much time wasted....and I know that life would have been different had I lost the weight.  Maybe not because the world would have treated me differently (Although I fully believe that some opportunities did pass me by because of my weight)  but more or less because my confidence has many times been tied to my weight...the higher the weight, the lower the confidence.  
I vowed to turn my life into a different direction.  The job thing is a priority......I am waiting for one or two things to be settled before I really delve into looking. (My father will most likely be having surgery for his cancer ...and that will take place in Baltimore, an hour away....so I will want and need to use some sick time to be there for that and to help get my mother back and forth while he is in the hospital down there.....kinda of hard to do at a new job).  The other thing?   This weight.   I'm tired of it.  I want the confident and vibrant woman that I became when I was thinner back!  I want to live!  I want to be healthy!  I want want want!
So my decisions made, I carried on with the day.   I don't know if Jason sensed my unrest or my thoughts or what but he started a long conversation about my weight and the war I have waged upon it.  (Maybe I actually mumbled my thoughts out loud instead of in my head! ha ha ha ha).  He was just curious about my highest and how I felt when I was higher and how I felt when I was thinner.  Then he laid it out there.   He personally had decided that it is time for him to clean up his eating.  He told me that he knows how much healthier he feels when he is eating correctly.  He said "I'm not expecting you to eat the same way"  but I just feel that this is something I personally need to do.   
Wow....what perfect timing!   I'm not saying that I couldn't do it without him but if he is eating healthier I know that I will tend to eat healthier.   And if he doesn't make the changes in his life?  No biggie.  I've got this!

Confusion

Today I stepped on the scales for my weekly weigh in.   I saw the number on the scales and I immediately stepped off. I stood in front of the mirror and I actually said to myself.  'I don't know what to do anymore'.  You see....I was up.   Two to three pounds up!  And in that short moment I felt helpless and the situation seemed hopeless!  Almost immediately I grabbed hold of myself...because let's be honest, I know what do do!

I didn't let the numbers on the scale deter me.... I put on my exercise clothes and headed out.   I had run on Monday. 3.85 miles...I needed to knock out at least 3 to keep myself on track with weekly miles so that I can reach my August target of 40 miles.   (Jason is already saying that next month I need to push it to 45 miles....we shall see!!).  Out I went this morning.   And I am happy to say that I achieved 4.25 miles.    I only have 1.9 miles left this week to reach my target!  Go me!!!

So here is my stats for the last week...

I thought quite a bit while I was running.  Lots of deep thoughts!

First and foremost I thought about my weight and my efforts. 

  So my first self revelation was the thought/remembrance that I have NEVER been able to eat my earned exercise calories and lose weight well.   It's a sad but true fact.  If you look at recent weeks...I eat those exercise calories and I haven't been losing.  Plain and simple. Cut the calories that I eat and I should start losing.   This one scares me because on running and big hike days (and sometimes the day afterward) I am hungry!  But I'm going to work on it.

 Secondly....Being brutally honest....chips have crept into my diet.  I've even had French fries on a few occasions. (more than I should and let's leave it at that).  I eat way too much macaroni and cheese.....way too many carbohydrates.   I have been working to up the fruits and veggies consumption but the bad stuff is there.    It's time to clean it up.   

Last nights walk saw 5 swans gliding over the water together.   The city park swans usually only travel solo or in pairs.

What did I just do?????

Well...I have NO CLUE what I weigh.  I will find out tomorrow morning....or Tuesday morning.  I'm not expecting greatness.  On Friday morning I was up a bit on the scales so......

BUT.....in my post on Friday, I wrote about a rough run and calling it a victory to get three miles in even though I still ended up .45 miles short of my weekly target.  We left for a long weekend in Richmond shortly after my run...so I knew that I had faced defeat in my weekly target.  BUT......our hotel room was only a few doors down from the fitness center.   On Saturday we were in and out of buildings....walked a fair amount in the blistering heat and when we landed back at the hotel I thought about that .45 of a mile.  So when Jason hopped into the shower to clean off the sweat and grime of sightseeing on a HOT summer day....I went down to the gym and voila........ Nothing extra.... but 10 miles completed...every bit of those ten miles!




So yes, Jason and I went to Richmond, VA for a long weekend.   We woke up on the first morning there and looked out the hotel window and saw the nutmobile sitting outside our window.  How fun is that????

It was REALLY hot outside.  Heat advisory warnings the whole weekend.  So we tried to plan our activities around Air Conditioned buildings.  (We spent a bit more time outside on Saturday than was probably wise...)  We found LOTS of things to do...and we are going to have to go back because we didn't even scratch the surface of activities.  (And because we didn't even have time to get to the Museum of the Confederacy...which is one of the reasons that I wanted to go to Richmond ....isn't it crazy how that happens!)

Virginia War Memorial and Museum

Hollywood Cemetery  (We want to come back and explore it by foot when it is cooler)

Virginia Holocaust Museum

Tibetian Monks....art

Chimborazo Civil War Hospital

St. Johns Church....site of Patrick Henry's famous speech "Give me Liberty......"

Virginia Historical Society Museum

Voices in My Head

The voice in my head were loud and clear today during my run....and the voices were not pretty.......

* Why bother running....you aren't losing any weight
*  Turn around now....it hurts
* It's hot
* This is a waste of your time!

Yeah, those things went through my head and so many more ugly nasty phrases.   I know a lot of the negativity was because the numbers on the scales are just holding tight and not going down.  I"m exercising and moving a LOT!   I'd think the numbers would be dropping.  But NOT!   Yeah  yeah yeah.  I know...weight is lost in the kitchen and not the gym.  And I also will say that after a run....or a long hike...or whatever that I am ravenous!   Starved.  It's crazy!  And it's hard to combat that!   But I have to figure it out!

So the run?   I had to do roughly 3.7 miles today in order to meet my weekly goal of 10 miles...to keep me on track for my monthly goal of 40 miles for this month.  It was a struggle from the get go.  I had planned on at least 4 miles.  I wanted to call it quits so bad and just do 2 or 2.5 miles...but I knew that I would be more than a mile off my weekly mileage and that would upset me  So I kept going...pushing for the 4 plus miles.  Well...eventually I decided doing the 3.5ish that I needed would be fantastic.    And then it went down to ......3 miles would be a victory....and be enough to keep me 'in the running' for my monthly goal.  I knew that there are a few days leftover at the end of the month so that if I run 10 miles for 4 weeks I would have 3 days or so that would be 'extra' to make up for any missed mileage.  So I wasn't TOO concerned..

3.21 hard fought miles were completed today.

My first thought when I was done?   Dangit!  .45 miles short of my weekly goal.

The hotel we are staying in this weekend has a fitness center.....maybe I will hit it up for a few short minutes before hopping into the pool to knock out a half mile......or maybe I will just be thankful that I was a half mile over last week....so that I am technically a little over 20 miles in for the month ...which is RIGHT ON TARGET!

Either way......running today and completing 3 miles was a victory!

Well then

Well...I had a pretty good week.  I was active....I didn't eat crazily for the most part.  I drank water.  I did really good!

My weight is just hovering at the exact same place......

I admit...I'm not being anally perfect in my eating.  But I'm not way off base.  I have been trying to get more fruits and veggies into my diet.  I've done good at curbing the 'bad stuff'.  

I need to shake something up!

Skinny & Co

In my blog I have written a post or two about my hair and being concerned because it seemed to be falling out at a MAD rate...   I have pondered so many thoughts about why my hair seemed to be just dropping from my head like crazy.   I tried medicated shampoos....I've tried to not wear my hair up in clips and pony tails as often.....I started to be more religious about taking my multivitamin......I've tried to up my consumption of fruits and veggies.   It just seemed to have no affect.

Some of the websites advised to use coconut oil on hair to help restore the balance and the health to hair.  I thought about it but just never got around to getting out to buy any product.  So in late June when I was contacted by Skinny & Co. to try some of their coconut products I jumped at the chance.  I was super excited...because at that point my hair was still falling out a LOT!
I waited anxiously for the product.   Almost a full month passed.   Miraculously, in that month my hair started to restore itself.   It was a gradual thing that I didn't notice at first becuase I was still obsessed with the fact that my pony tails (when I went running or hiking) were feeling thinner.  But eventually I actually brought it up with Jason.   We discussed it and we both agreed that the  hair that had plagued us (he had for months laughed about having enough hair clinging to his clothes and belongings that he had enough to make a wig) had definitely eased up.   Ironically enough we had that discussion on a Friday night....and when I got home?   Voila...there was my next miracle cure for my hair woes.

I was still excited.  There was still an obvious imbalance of Ph or something going on with my hair.  Maybe this would solve the problem and keep the hair in place (because having a relapse of mad hair loss is something I do NOT want to have happen!).  

I opened the box and checked out my product.   I had gotten the shampoo bar.   

Yes, a shampoo bar!   As per the instructions....lather it up in your hands and use the lather to wash your hair.

I looked forward to my next shower so that I could use the shampoo.   
It was kind of weird to lather up from a bar of soap to wash my hair...but surprisingly it produced a good amount of lather and I was able to get my head all sudsy.   For my longer hair I did have to lather twice....once for the top of my head and scalp and the other time for the rest of my hair.  It washed just like normal....  

Immediately I could tell that my hair had a weird 'feel'.   I thought that maybe it was just because this shampoo had cleaned out impurities or something.  I thought about using some conditioner.....but decided that using a shampoo that was cleaning impurities out of my hair would be counter productive if I just slathered my head with conditioner immediately afterward.

Oh my word.....bad decision.   Brushing my hair the rest of the day was just murder.  My hair had a gummy sticky feeling to it.  It just felt nappy.

Undetered, I grabbed the shampoo bar the next time I was in the shower.  It still had a weird feel after I was done shampooing my hair (not was bad as the first shampoo though)....but this time I conditioned.   And my hair felt fine afterward.    Each day of using the shampoo my hair has felt much less 'off'.....so maybe my hair was just really messed up and is taking a while to straighten out.

My only complaint?  By the evening, my hair feels more greasy and heavy than normal....but maybe that is just the healthy balance of my hair righting itself!!!!  

If you want to try the products.... visit https://www.skinnyandcompany.com/     You can get 15% off by using the code SKINNYCO15

A little about Skinny & Co.


 Skinny & Co. coconut oil and coconut oil products are 100% natural:

● Cold Processed: cold-processed oil, not just cold pressed. They use a patent-pending Nutralock System and never heat the oil above 97 degrees. It's the only 100% raw, alkaline coconut oil on the planet. Other coconut oils are acidic, but Skinny & Co.’s alkaline oil registers between 7.3 and 7.8 pH. All of their coconuts are hand picked and wild-harvested from the Ben Tre jungles in Vietnam. Their oil is truly tree to table!
● Five Ingredients or Fewer: all of their beauty products have five ingredients or less, are non-toxic and edible. *Why would you ever put something on your skin if you wouldn't put it in your body?
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Moderate....my foot

I am absolutely beat!  Even after a night of sleep at home.  I'm also a bit achy!  

My week weight wise has been going ok....I have gotten some walks in....some runs in....and a nice hike in.   

Food wise...well....it's been not bad.    I'm HUNGRY though....running and hiking seem to do that to me!
So, the weather seemed to break just a wee tad bit....so Jason and I started walking outside a bit again in the evenings.  YAY!

Running...I ran three times last week.  I laid down a challenge to myself.  In the month of August I will run at least 40 miles.  That is 10 miles a week....(with 2-3 days leftover in case I am behind).  It kept me on target last week.  My first run I went a little over 4 miles.  I knew that if I skipped one of the other two 'easy schedule wise' runs (The mornings when I go into work later meaning I don't have to be up at 5 and outside running in the dark!) that I would struggle to get my 10 miles in.  So I went out every morning that I planned and got in my miles...10.54 miles for the first week....right on target.   

This weekend we were toying with what to do....we WANTED to hike...but we were afraid the weather would prohibit it.  (OK.....only prohibit in the manner that we don't mind being hot and sweaty...but add misery of high humidity and high temps and it just isn't worth it!).   We pondered and hiking won out.   We headed for a trail that was labeled as  moderate 6 miles round trip (with incredible views at the one point).   

Well.....my tracker shows that I hiked 10 miles.....take that!   We have hiked a variety of trails....difficult/strenuous...moderate....easy.  In March we hiked in Colonel Denning Park on a 'most difficult' trail .....so I know what they can be.    The difficult/strenuous trails are difficult....don't get me wrong.  But this trail was NOT what I would call moderate.  It's in the section of the A.T. that is 'affectionately' known as the roller coaster.   We hiked a different section of 'the roller coaster' a few weeks back...and I would call that one moderate.   This trail was pretty steep ascents  and descents.....all on rocky terrain.    At the end of the hike....my legs were WOBBLY.   I'm going to say it's because we haven't been hiking as much in the last few weeks.  

So the view?   Was it worth the hike?????

And just for the record....we hiked mountains for 4 hours or so.....I was carrying a pack.....and myfitness pal says I burned over 3000 calories! 

95%

It was another HOT HOT HOT weekend.   We decided to brave the heat.....not with a stenuous hike....but with a trip to the National Zoo.  Have I mentioned that it was hot?

We saw some animals....

And we tried to duck into as many buildings "animal houses" as possible to avoid the hot sun.   Luckily, when we were in the shade it was at least tolerable.  Stupidly, I wore my hair down for the day...so just a short while into our visit I ended up buying a new hat! Why?  To get the sun off of my head and to help hold my hair away from my neck!    Plus, now when I run, I have two hats that I have picked up whilst out with Jason.....and it brings a smile to my face to put on a hat that is associated with good memories!

And walked a whole bunch of miles.  I tried to keep slamming the liquid so that I wouldn't end up horribly dehydrated.  (We actually both were slamming liquids before also so that we were totally hydrated before we even began).   I was a little dehyrdated but much better than last weekend.

We were tired as we headed home....but still got to see the sun set behind some clouds....so pretty.

So this morning I woke up early......well rested.  I didn't want to run.  But Jason threw down the challenge and told me that there was no way that I was winning this weeks running challenge.  He acted like he had something up his sleeve....so I knew better than to let one of my 'go in late' work mornings go to waste!   I picked up my phone and let out a sigh of relief when I saw that the temperature was 71 degrees!  How awesome.  That should be a DELIGHTFUL run!   But then my eyes drifted down a few lines on the screen......  95% humidity.    My heart sank....I knew it wasn't going to be pretty.

I have recently been hanging around the 2.5 mile mark for my runs.  But that gauntlet was thrown down and I didn't want to come out week and end up starting the weeks challenge at a major deficite....so I knew I was going to bump my mileage to 4 plus miles.  Boy.......what a day to do that with super high humidity.
It was slow. But I conquered it!!!   4.16 miles....TAKE THAT!   I even wore my new hat to do it!  (I forgot to take a picture...but that's probably for the best as I was whipped when I got back to the house!  

My weight is down a bit from last week...so if I keep things under control I should do ok for my official weigh in.  Not down to new  territory on the scales.  (New as in anytime in very recent history).   But down.   I'll take it! 

Another week bites the dust

Well well well...I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth.  I'm still here, chugging along.   

My week was actually NOT a collossal failure in terms of actions...but I will say that my week was not good on the scales. Yes, I am up.   Now, it could be an excuse, but I believe that I am dehyrdated.  I woke up a few times last night and grabbed for my water bottle to get a drink of water.  If thirst wakes me up...that's a bad sign.  This morning I woke up dry mouthed and thirsty....not a good sign and that little sign usually heralds a few pounds up on the scales.  Now I'm not going to say that my gain is all water...I will freely admit that I ate more than I should have last night.  But I think the main part of my gain is the water.

Here are my stats for the last week!

See, not that bad in the grand scheme of things.

So my last week....filled with lots of things.

Lets see there was work......

Geocaching...... this is at an old apparently Quaker graveyard....with weirdly enough only one grave stone 
standing in it. 

On a side note...I was doing a gadget geocache and needed to heat up a rod to 110 degrees and then cool it down to 77 degrees.  I ended up going into a nearby store to buy some hot coffee (heated it to 150 degrees in seconds) and some diet soda (and an extra cup with ice for the cooling down segment).   I drank the diet soda...first time in a while 
that I had diet coke.....it was NASTY!

This weekend the weather kept us planning more inside activities (although I did run really early on Saturday morning).
We hit up Washington DC again.  This time we walked through China Town.....

I was disappointed that the picture didn't turn out well...but it is a picture of a row of cooked ducks...with heads attached
hanging in the window/cooking area of a chinese restaurant.  I got to giggling when I saw it...stuck on the line for "the ChristmasStory"   "It's smiling at me!"  

We went to the Air and Space Museum (the Dulles location remains my favorite...although the Amelia Airheart display will always be a 
favorite of mine).

And I'm not sure why a Lucille Ball lifesize picture was in the museum (other than a passenger in an airline back in the 50's) but I had to get a picture with her....especially since I was wearing an I Love Lucy teeshirt!  (I must remembber to wear that teeshirt a week from
this upcoming weekend on August 6 to commemorate her birthday.) 

We just wanted our pictures in the aircraft....

From the Air and Space we headed to the American Indian Museum.....it was also really neat.....and blessedly, not as crowded.

After that museum we were whipped...so we headed back to the metro for the ride back to our car!

The weekend.......the running, mowing, geocaching, walking around the lake and shops on Saturday, and the hot walking in DC on Sunday....
Totally dehydrated!  That's where I think my weight went wrong.

I leave with a picture of my precious old girl, Ethel.

Goodbye

So I have officially decided to end the 'I don't care' stage of this journey.   I think the week of really just not having a thought and doing and eating what I want was probably good for me.  It gave me a much needed break from thinking about my food all the time.  This journey is a full time 'job' so to speak......and I needed a vacation. 

I honestly wouldn't recommend a 'vacation' from a healthy lifestyle.  It could have been BAD for me on the scales, even just one week.  It could have started a downward spiral that led to months of unhealthy choices.  It could have been bad.

However, even as I decided to take the break, I still knew that I want to lose the weight....BADLY.  I knew that the great burning desire was still present.  I knew deep down inside that I wasn't quitting.  
Luckily for me my week off had some events and revelations that helped fan the flames of that desire.
Pictures.....usually on our weekends I end up taking pictures of places and sights.  For some reason, this weekend I ended up with some pictures of myself.   Wow....I did NOT like the pictures of myself.

I was going to type self deprecating remarks as a caption for this photo......but that is not a healthy behavior.  So I'm just going to say that I am not happy with how I look.

And while I love the picture of us together (yes, the one I posted the other day).......I'm not happy with how BIG I am in the picture.

So the pictures were a biggie for me.  On a couple different levels.  One, I just look at myself and say "what in the world makes me think that this is ok?"   I want to live a full life and be healthy......and at this weight these is no way that I am 'healthy'.   But secondly it makes me look and say "why in the world does he love me and find me beautiful".   He does....and I am grateful and blessed.  However,  doesn't he deserve the healthiest version of MF too?

Along with the pictures there were some discussions about hikes we want to do, Activities we want to partake and plans for the future.  


So today I stepped on the scales for my official weigh in.  I somehow managed to have a loss this last week.  I KNOW I ate unhealthy.  I had shoo fly pie, oreos and chips and dip.  I didn't worry about my calories or anything.  I did however put my calories into my tracker after the fact....and the results were not that bad.  Here are my compiled stats for the week...

So not too bad....could be a LOT better.   But I also know that I can't expect that if I keep going down the 'throw caution into the wind' path.  

So with a renewed sense of purpose, a clear mind and a ready heart.....I embark upon a new week!

Roar like a lion

So the other day I wrote a post and just expressed my utter feelings of despondancy over this journey and where I am right now.  I really did feel like giving up.  I do feel as if I'm beating my head against a brick wall.  There are factors and forces in my life that is making this difficult.  I felt (feel) that I am doing the best I could but it just isn't enough.

So after that last blog post, I stepped back and said "for a few days I'm doing what I want......no scales....no tracking....no real thought about it."

It gave me some time to think...it gave me some time to reflect.  It gave me some time 'away'.  (In fairness...I still popped onto myfitnesspal to keep my streak going...how lame is that?)

You see,  I'm tired of this journey.  I've been blogging about the journey for more than 10  years.  I actually just celebrated my 10 year blogiversary in January of this year.  But I was actually trying to lose for a while before that.   I've celebrated some amazing victories.....but for most of that time, I have been 'chasing the dream'.  That's a long time.... (and yes, I do know that this is a life change....something that will be done for the rest of my life).

Someday maybe I can live a life where I don't track religiously.  Maybe someday I can live a life where I don't constantly have to watch. Maybe someday I can live a life where I don't watch the numbers on the scales (once a week).   But I know that right now....those things are necessary for me.  When I don't do them I start to sink into a bad place.  (How do you think I gained some of this weight back after I reached my goal weight......I got disgusted with my initial weight gain and I stopped tracking....and I stopped weighing .....and well.....the weight came back on at an alarming rate).

So.....I took a few days off.   I did have a Reeces Cup.....not the king size...but the normal size package.  I did have a piece or two of shoo-fly pie (hey, my parents went to Lancaster, PA and they brought back a little bit for me!)   I did eat some Vanilla Oreos with some delicious chocolate ganache icing that my mom had leftover in the fridge.  I don't feel guilty.  I don't feel bad.     Other than those sweet treats....I actually ate pretty reasonably.  It was a huge relief to not have to worry about it for a while.

The question?   How much did I gain...or lose?   I have no clue.  I'm not worrying about it until official weigh in day.  

Last night I got home and I actually felt ready to track my food.  Furthermore, I felt interested to know how much food I really ate over the last few days...where my calorie count was.  I debated if I should put my food in for the last few days.  But curiosity won out.     The first figure is base calories and the second is with whatever exercise calories I earned netted out.

Wednesday   1023  -     721
Thursday    1339   -  1314
Friday     2217    -  1537
Saturday  1828    -   1801
Sunday   1689   -  983   

Soooo, while I'm still just kind of disillusioned and unsure of what direction to move....I'm going to stay the course....work on drinking my water....work on eating more fruits and veggies....work on limiting the sweet treats.

 This weekend Jason and I headed toward the mountains. We figured some good long hikes in the mountains were just what the doctor ordered.....especially since we spent the last two weekends exploring and hiking at more 'coastal like' places.   (Point Lookout State Park two weeks ago and Leesylvania State park last weekend).     It felt good to be surrounded by the mountains.  But on Saturday afternoon/evening we got stormed out....(that's ok, we relaxed, talked, laughed and watched tv together....sometimes you need days like that)  and on Sunday we woke up and looked out the window and we just decided we didn't want to sweat and suffer in the heat.  So we regrouped and came up with a new plan.  The new plan???   Lets go into DC and hit some of the Smithsonian museums.

The walk across the parking lot to the metro and the few blocks of walking from the metro station to the museums was enough to make both of us pinken up with a slight sun burn (not really a burn...just a nice pinkish tint that tanned by the next morning).  So it was probably a really good change of plans! 

We went into the Natural History Museum first.   This was Jason's first choice of museums as he is fascinated by nature and animals.     Lions....tigers.. bears... squid..... whales........ gems.... mummies...  dinosaurs... butterflies...... insects...... neanderthals.  You name it, we saw it!  

Next we headed to the museum next door.....the museum that is my all time favorite in the Smithsonian.  The Museum of American History.  

 How can an American not be enthralled by seeing the actual Star Spangled Banner (which was fitting since last fall I did the flag thing...by visiting the Betsy Ross House in Philadelphia which is credited with being the place and the person that sewed the first American flag.  AND a few weeks later with  visiting the Star Spangled banner House in Baltimore and is coincidentally  the location of the creation of the actual star spangled banner flag.  (Just for a laugh and a neat memory...I went to Baltimore the day after my first date ever with Jason....I was really coy in that blog post saying 'I met up with a friend that evening....ha ha ha...it was a first date with Jason...but we had been talking for a while and we were technically already friends!)     Sorry no pictures allowed of the Flag....it's not allowed to help preserve the artifact.

So we saw the flag..... the sit in lunch counter that really sparked desegregation..... Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz's ruby red slippers..... Julia Child's kitchen..... the dresses that many of the first ladies wore at inaugurations and other major events during their husbands presidency..... artifacts from the presidents and their families through the years.... neat rare money.... cars and trains and boats and bikes that show the progress of transportation in America.... and so much more!  (Sadly, we either missed the Fonz's jacket or else it was not on display at this time)

It was a great way to spend a hot day....a little crowded, but not too bad.    Lots and lots of walking....in fact my legs were more sore from the miles we walked (well over 5) plus all the standing as we looked than if I had hiked up the side of a mountain!

I give up!!

UI'm giving up!  Throwing up my hands!  Calling it quits!

Ok, the numbers on the scales weren't good my weekly weigh in.  I was up a few pounds.  But seriously?   It is disheartening.  I am not eating way out of control .  I moved.....ran and hiked and walked.   Disheartening!!!

Look at my stats...I'm doing well!   

Ok, I know that I don't REALLY want to call it quits.  I know that I still really want to be healthy....to be thin....to be active.  I want to live a full life....and I know that being healthy and getting my weight under control is a big factor.  But something has to give.  I can't keep banging my head against a brick wall.

Hot off the......

Do berries picked off the bush and shoveled down my gullet count as calories?  I'm thinking no.  I mean, seriously....the work to pick the berries has got to negate the calories right?

Another week down.  I have no earthly clue how the scales are looking.   I can say that while I haven't eaten great, I haven't eaten horribly.  Have I had some calories over my low ball goal of 1200 a day?  Absolutely?   Have I most days earned calories to help offset the over expenditure?  Yes.   

Have I had some days where I was just HUNGRY?  Yes.  Saturday was like that.  I mowed early in the morning and the rest of the day I just had a hunger within me all day.  I tried to drink a lot of water, thinking that maybe I was thirsty and my body was misreading the signs....but no....it was definitely hunger.   I did fairly well.....I indulged but I kept it pretty close...my calories topped at 1789 (with earned calories netted in  it was 1500).   
Did I have days where I earned mad calories?  Yup....hiking and running...and both of those days my netted caloric intake was really low.

Time will tell if my weight was affected by my activity and my eating habits.

So.....Lets catch up from where I left off.....which sadly was when I updated last week about my weekly results and my previous weekend inFredericksburg and Point Lookout State Park.

On Wednesday, I got my butt up and out the door early.  I got a 2.31 mile run in. It was hot and humid!!!   On Thursday, I repeated the feat with a 2.67 mile run.  Luckily it was hot but the humidity wasn't as overwhelmingly horrible (at least at the time when I went out running...which was super early!)   

Friday when I got off work I did some geocaching.  It rained....so I got a little wet.  But I got about 2 miles of walking in....and found a lot of caches!

Saw some cool things like this old wrought iron fence

 And found some new trails to hike!

This weekend we headed south (Virginia seems to treat us well so we head to Virginia a lot it seems!)    We hit up a few geocaches and went to Leesylvania State Park where we hiked quite a few miles.   We have not been hiking as regularly (weather and health issues) and the 8.5 miles on Sunday really did a number on us.  Oh wait.....it wasn't the miles...it was the heat!  It was the heat that wiped us out.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

We had a great hike.....we drank lots of water and the berries along the deserted trails were plentiful so we snacked quite a bit!  (Those are the calories that don't count!!!!  Right???)

The trails offered lots to make us happy.....

Pretty views of the Potomac River

Nice trails

Old ruins 

Remains of Civil War Fort 

Lots of colorful fungus on the trails

And a wee little snake that turned around in fear and high-tailed it away from us! (ok, maybe not wee little...but nothing huge!)

I was planning on running this morning...but I just couldn't do it.  Even the alarm going off at 6AMwas too much....I usually am awake before the alarm...today I hit the snooze button 3 times and walked around the house like a zombie, even as I was walking out the door to go to work......a run......just not in the books this morning!

So what's on tap for this upcoming week?  I'm planning on trying to clean up my eating just a bit more.......running a few more times....walks.....maybe a mid-week hike and just moving forward one day at a time!