Resentful

I want to lose weight.  I need to lose weight. There’s no way I can deny that I’m overweight. My work even tells me I’m overweight through a  health screening  that they do yearly.   I resent the work reminder though.  I resent it a lot!

OK, let me explain the work insurance. We have the price of our insurance which is quite pricey.  We get a ‘discount’  if we sign a statement saying that we are tobacco free and if, during the yearly health screening we either show a weight loss or we are in a healthy weight range. Last year since I was a new employee I was exempt from the health screening. This year I am subject to these rules. So my weight has been on my mind a lot and has been since my health screening.  I do have an appointment with my doctor. Hopefully she will sign the appeal paperwork so that I can still afford health insurance.

I resent this policy. Not for the reason you might think. I know I’m overweight and I know that causes health problems which is what makes the added money on the insurance. What I resent, is the fact that I am really working to overcome the diet mentality. I am really working to overcome that big focus on the number that the scales show. I resent the fact that my work is forcing me to think about it and worry about it. I resent the fact that this policy makes me want to crash diet.

I got back on track this summer and I was losing...slowly but surely.  And then this health screening came into play.  Is it a coincidence that my weight loss stopped right then and there?   Maybe...maybe not.  (I also think it might be partially due to my out of whack female cycle...along with the stress and change of focus!)

Following the health screening I made an appointment with my doctor to try to get an appeal for this added expense.  (I see her next nine day) I am worried.   I saw her a week (almost to the day that my dad died) and I weighed a few pounds less than I weigh right now.  My dad died and I gained 30 pounds, overnight.  (Ok not overnight...but within a month.). So with all this worry about the insurance and my weight,  I started to stress and I started to think about crash diets!

I wanted to crash dirt so bad!   But I didn’t.  I stayed the course but I stopped losing....however....I maintained!  With two weeks left before the appointment,  I broke my ‘stay the course’ and decided to cut sweets for the two weeks.   Yes I allowed the stress to overrule my common sense!!  

I am a week and a half into my no sweet decree.   I am determined to complete it...if even just to prove to myself that I can!  It’s a test of my willpower and I WILL win!   But that said, I resent the fact that I did it!   I was actually  working on accomplishing a healthy attitude toward sweets...and this two weeks of restriction have made me crave and think about these sweets MORE than I did before!   I am serious, I sit and think about what I’m going to eat first when I break the sweet treat-fast!  My mouth waters as I think about it!  (I’m thinking it will be edible cookie dough...I made some for Jason during this stint...and I’m very proud that I didn’t even lick the spoon!!).   

I’m working on developing a healthy relationship with food. I’m working on developing a healthy relationship with the scales.  I’m working on building a healthy life.   And I have allowed the stress and the work insurance policy to push me backwards in my learning process because they are indirectly pushing me..    I will finish off the two week moratorium on sweets (seriously...it’s only until this weekend), but then I’m going back to exactly what I was doing before.  Allowing myself the occasional indulgence...IF it works into my calorie count for the day.    Back to the basics...and hopefully back to the slow but steady weight loss!!!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

When I started casting around for a title for this post the only thing that seemed to fit was The good, the bad and the ugly.   I am horrible with titles, I know it!  If it wouldn't have made it too long I would have titled it "The good, the bad, the ugly, the summary, the plan".  And that is the order that his blog will be written in....

The Good

It's Monday, what else would the good be other than a fabulous weekend!  I worked on Saturday morning so we got a later start.  Saturday was low key for us...we hit up some stores in the afternoon and then relaxed in the evening.

Sunday we explored a big, old graveyard....on bikes.   We did not ride on the graves, when something caught our eye we would hop off and walk to investigate!!!

 

We stopped at an outdoor flea market and an indoor flea market.  On the way to the next stop an overhanging tree bumped into our bikes which were on the top of the car.   We stopped to check the bikes.  Jason got to check out an VW bus....can you see the lust  in his eyes??  He would buy one in a heartbeat if he found one and had the money!

 

Then it was on to the Hilltop.  The Hilltop Hotel is an old motel that was once probably quite grand.  It sat atop a hill with a fabulous view.....

 

The main building of the hotel has disintegrated into a terrible state of disrepair....I'm not sure it is salvageable at this point.   We are drawn to it....and stop to gawk look whenever we are in the area.   

 

 

Don't let these pictures fool you....the rest is literally crumbling.

I didn't take any pictures of the decay.  Today I couldn't find any pictures on the internet showing the current level of decay. So here is an older picture that gives an idea.

 

The really bad area has extended leftward and the whole side is exposed, you can see straight into rooms and the floors on that open section are now sagging quite a bit.   

From there we headed to the canal where we rode our bikes. We got off once or twice and looked for mushrooms.

 

On the way home we even had time to stop for a geocache!

 

It was another fabulous weekend!  Full of relaxation and yes, even though we were feeling lazy we were still pretty active!!!

The Bad

Yesterday somehow the subject of snoring came up between Jason and I.  I laughed and said 'I'm sure I snore'.  He laughed and agreed and then dropped a bomb on me. He asked if I had ever done a sleep study test.  I just looked at him in shock and said no.   Apparently the first time or two that he heard me he absolutely panicked.  He said that at times it sounds like I am gasping for air and it sounds just like his father did before he started using a sleep machine for sleep apenea!    To say I was blown away is an understatement.  He asked if my ex ever mentioned it.  'Uhhh no, well he did tell me that I snored but never that it sounded scary.....but then is that shocking my ex only cared about himself and wasn't at all concerned about my well being!'     Jason says it is a consistent problem and the worst right after I fall asleep.  He also says he will try to record it so that I can hear what it sounds like.  I know this doesn't mean I have a problem...and I'm not going to panic or say I have any issues. This is just an observation from a non medical person.  However it is someone that cares and someone that wants me to live a long time!  So not panicked but I am going to say that I'm concerned!  

The Ugly

And bear with me...this sounds whiny...but has to be said to get to the point I'm trying to make!!!

A few years ago (10 years or more) I left a job that paid pretty decently and took a much lower paying job.  I had hopes that it would help my failing marriage.  I did it to get away from working second shift and to be closer to home.  It worked for us in that  my paycheck was not our  only income and the insurance was pretty decent. ($150 deductible and then a 90/20 plan).     In the ensuing years things  changed.   The insurance deductible is now $3000.  And  while I always had good reviews and was given more responsibilities the pay never increased.  "No raises this year" , "there is a hiring freeze so even though we are moving you up to a higher level position you won't get the pay increase" and then "someone left and we aren't filling the position so we are divvying up the work....so we are adding this responsibility to you".  So my pay stayed low....abysmally low!   When my marriage ended I had to move in with my parents because, well it's not exactly easy/possible to survive on a job that is only a tick above minimum wage.   Yes, I look for work and apply.  Yes I have a college degree.  No, teaching is a closed door for me.  This isn't the post for why...but I have written about it on this blog.....  

So all of that to say that I work a full time job where extra money is something that is scraped from the leftover pennies.   The two major car repair bills in December and January crippled me financially.  Buying a pair of tennis shoes is a hardship....buying bras is a hardship (seriously good bras are so expensive...why??? I lucked out and found three on a sale rack a few months ago....not exactly what I wanted but they were my size and with a good percentage  off and at $10 a piece I took them!!  But I so desperately needed bras that those three bras get a lot of use and I need more!).  

To say that finances stress me out is an understatement.   I wake up in a panic thinking about my car that has over 200k miles on it. I worry a LOT about it!

So with money being tight....it's no shock to realize that the health insurance with that super high deductible is a health insurance that I can't afford to use.  

I am however grateful to have a job....even though I am dissatisfied with the pay, the insurance and a multitude of other things pertaining to this job.

And that is the ugly.....because even if I wanted to have this snoring/gasping for air thing checked.  I can't afford it!!!

The Summary

I may or may not have a problem.  I'm not going to worry myself sick over that also.   I can't.  It would only be counter productive.

I started to think about blogs I've followed, stories I've read and situations I've heard of.  Weight can very well affect sleep in a negative way.  

Heck maybe it is the spring pollen and Jason was just tired when he said it happens consistently!

A visit to the doctor is not going to happen at the moment!

Weight loss seems to be my option for attacking this possible issue. 

Wow, did I just get a huge motivator thrown into my lap???  Wasn't I just saying the other week that I was searching for something to continually motivate me?   I was looking for an event like a concert or a trip....

The Plan

The plan is this and its simple.   Lose weight!!!

I know how to do it.   Calories ingested versus calories spent.  Simple in theory.

Now I just need to do it!!!!!