Out of control

It's not too bad is the words I said when I stepped into the scales on my official weigh in day on Wednesday.  I was only up by one pound.   However...each day thereafter my weight has popped up higher and higher!

What is wrong with me that I can't get my eating under control?   I can blame other people.  Like mom for talking to me before work making me late which caused me to grab a fast food breakfast on the way to work.  Maybe I should blame diana my manager for bringing donuts to work...and of course she got peanut butter!!!  Wait...Jason wanted Ben and Jerry's ice cream last night!!! And mom had those wonderful pumpkin cookies leftover that she offered me!!! Terri wanted a frosty after Mexican, it's her fault!!!

But in reality...it is no ones fault but my own!!! Jason didn't tie me down, melt the ice cream and pour it down my gullet!   Mom didn't keep me from grabbing an apple or a piece of fruit when I was running late.  The donut didn't have my name etched into the icing!!!  I made the choices to partake!  Me and me alone!!!!

So I face thanksgiving week in front of the eight ball...already significantly up on the scales (5-6 pounds)!   

How?  Reigning myself in is proving to be horribly difficult!!!   Do you think the doctor would just wore my jaw shut???

Ouch

Where to begin...... November 2 was the last time I wrote.

My vacation began starting on November 4th.   I actually drug myself out and went running that first day.  It wasn't a fabulous run but I did it!     

My vacation was pretty low key.   We went away on the first weekend and did some shopping...some relaxing....some hanging out together.  Nothing too exciting.  My food intake was pretty steady....not exactly healthy but not too bad.  

We walked about 2 miles or so each day.  Yes. Very relaxing!

I actually walked an average of 2 miles each day of my vacation with one day getting in a 7 miles walk on the canal!)

On Wednesday early (super early) I drove my parents to Baltimore where my father had surgery to remove the cancer (the cancer or origination...we have more procedures for the places where the cancer spread).  It was a looooooong day.  (18 hours or so from beginning to end).  Lots of sitting in waiting rooms.   I did snack on foods that I had put in my bag (cheeZ-it's, almonds and sugar wafers). But for lunch I got a turkey sandwich and a big cup of fruit (mom and I shared the fruit cup since she loves Honeydo and I don't!!!).  

The doctor was very happy with the surgery and the fact that he is confident that the cancer is gone!   Now we (dad and mom mostly) just have to get used to the ramifications of the surgery.

A day of home running around and another day at the hospital...and that is where my eating took a nose dive.  On Friday at the hospital I started the day with a cheese Danish...then for lunch mom and I each got sandwiches and split them (so half a ham and cheese and half a turkey club).  That wasn't so bad but mom and I saw the desserts and couldn't resist sharing a cupcake and a red velvet cookie.   Then some people came to visit dad and brought cookies from the great cookie....and well dad was still on a liquid diet so I couldn't let those cookies go to waste could I???   I left the hospital that night about 6....and I was so tired that unjust picked up a little Caesars pizza for my dinner when I got back to Hagerstown.  I only ate half...and some ice cream!

Saturday I had the rest of the pizza for brunch!   And dad came home!  I wasn't needed at home so I skedaddled out of there (I made sure that the house was clean for visiting guests and that mom and dads laundry was all caught up...done and carried up the two flights of steps!)

My eating over the last weekend wasn't great...French fries (twice) Mac and cheese...Chinese...pizza again...just not healthy!  One day i had so much for lunch that I was physically ill!   Or maybe I had a touch of something..who knows!!!  We still had fun that day though....look we are both smiling even though my guts felt like they were ripping from my body!!! (We both weren't feeling good that day)

I did try to turn it around a bit on Monday and when we went to lunch I got a simple grilled cheese....applesauce and some Harvard beets.....and then without thinking added fries.  But at least I got some healthy stuff down my gullet...right???  And for dinner...my 'last supper' before returning to work I had a turkey sub....better caloric ally speaking than the Italian bmt!)

So I'm trying to clean it up!!!

On a good note....I've tried pomegranate juice before but never the actual fresh fruit.  This weekend was my first try at the real deal.   They seeds are quite tasty!!

I have no clue what I weigh....I feel bloated and icky (that could be from the monthly ick though!).  I will step on the scales tomorrow!   (First time in two weeks!)

So an eye opening week...a crazy week...some tiring days...some relaxing days...some sick days...a little of everything all rolled into one!!!

No running over the vacation but I plan to hit it hard starting tomorrow....I have 20 miles to knock out this month and in only 4.5 miles in!!!!

So one last picture....I'm getting sooo spoiled!  I rarely have to do this stuff anymore!   It is so foreign to me after my ex-marriage.  Just makes me smile..... It feels good to be taken care of....appreciated....and most importantly loved!  (Must be love since he left me take a picture...grudgingly! Hahaha)

Brutal

42 days.    That was how long I went between runs.  42 days!   The other day I made my plans and set my challenge for the month of November.   I know from personal experience that if I mess up, especially at the beginning that it kinda just happens that I throw in the towel...so I knew that grabbing a run or two before my vacation time was very important!

I woke up early (on my own).  It was very dark.  I waited a while. It was still very dark!   7am and it was still dark...but just starting to look better!  I drug myself out of bed at 7:30 and was outside at 7:45 (that was pretty much the latest that I could run and still make it to work on time!)   

The back of my right thigh and through my butt cheek protested immediately!!  Wowzers!   But I kept going because I had expected this run to hurt!!   And sure enough...it did!    That ache disappeared...but others marched in and out of the run. 

I walked a few times.. Twice to be exact...and only for about 30-60 seconds each time. I forced myself to keep running.   It was a slow pace (in reality only a few seconds slower than my pace from the last time I ran though!!)

Home...showered...at work and my leg muscles are ACHING!!!!!

But I did it!!!

Andy Grammers song masterpiece came on at the beginning of the run and these words pushed me through the aches...

One, you get one heartbeat, some take it seriously

This is your masterpiece, don't forget to dream
And taste the colors in the air you breathe
It's your masterpiece, go ahead and feel it all
Don't stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh)
Don't stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh)
Don't stop till it is beautiful

Me pushing through is helping to create me into an even better masterpiece...one of health!!

Now to just curb the need for ice cream. Yes, I had Ben and Jerry's again last night!!!

End of the month recap

I didn't run in October.   I didn't run a single mile.  Guess I didn't even come close to any mileage goalie the month.   But let's be honest...I didn't set any either!!!!

My weight is hovering in that same 3 pound range and as of my last weigh in was hovering at the high end.

Let's be honest...after my food consumption this weekend (week) I will be shocked if it's still within that range...even barely!   Yes I aim for 1200-1300 calories. (Typically)   I haven't been too bad...1600 or so lost days...but Saturday...I went to breakfast with a friend...and ordered the cinnamon stack pancake thing at Bob Evans.  And yes syrup!  Yeah...over 1k on calories right there!   I was full and didn't really want lunch...but got an Italian soda....170 calories.   Dinner was pizza (two slices and wings...only three wings...and some blue cheese). 750 calories.  Then we got Ben and jerry's ice cream....and I ate almost the whole container (of course we got our own containers!!)...over 1k calories there!  That means I ate over three thousand calories!!!!  Ouch!!!

Oh wait...the silver lining????  I tracked!!!

So November....running?  I have some vacation time. Like a week and a half and then a really long weekend later)....and the holiday.  There is a chance that dad may be having surgery...we are assuming that's the next step...we will know more after the next appointment with the surgeon.   Realistically if I'm off work and staying at home getting a run in is easy!  But I know that Jason and I will be out and about....and if we are away (which we plan on being some nights) then running is much more difficult.   And if I am home but we are hooking up to hike or bike...well then running will be pushed aside.   So I don't want to place a super high goal this month...40 miles was a stretch before.  Not having run in the last month AND a crazy month ahead of me could make 40 a totally inachievable goal!  There are 14 days I will be scheduled to work in November. At least 4 of those will be early starts which makes running likely to not happen.   That gives me 10 days....2 miles each of those days is 20 miles.....and that will be harder if dad has surgery in November!    So my goal is 20!!!!!

20 miles!!!!  I can do this!!!!  (And if I do happen to hit a much higher number...I will just have to celebrate!!!! )

This last weekend we ended up taking it a bit easier....sinus pressure for one but also a slight stomach problem.  (It passed but we didn't want to push our luck!).  So we did some antiquing...some roaming and bike shopping (Jason is planning on buying a new bike very soon...which is why I mentioned biking earlier in this post....which reminds me...one if my bikes needs to come out of storage ASAP so I can make sure she is in working order!!).  We drove home and decided to take the ferry across the river.

And we walked about 6 miles on the canal...

A good weekend!!

Throw in the Towel

The last few weeks I have struggled.   I occasionally think about how awesome I felt at a lower weight and I want it again!    I think about the energy levels I had back than and I want it!!!!  And in those moments it seems attainable and even something that I really want and am willing to work for!!!

But a lot of the time I think about going through the bins of clothes that I have in the next size or so down.....and throwing them away (or rather goodwilling them!).  I think about just settling and buying clothes for me right now in this size....not constantly just buying the bare minimum because 'I'm going to be losing weight and won't be in this size much longer'.   I think (quite happily I might add) about never logging onto myfitnesspal again.  Never again thinking about caloric counts.   I think about walking away from it all and just being happy with who I am and not worrying about my weight.  

You see...Jason tells me all the time how beautiful I am.  He tells me all the time that I'm perfect and the woman of his dreams in every way!!  It is me that doesn't feel 'perfect'.    But when I think about his compliments and actually start to believe them I really honestly wonder why I am doing this?  Why am I beating my head against a seemingly indestructible brick wall???  Is it worth it?

You see....I stress myself out.  I am torn in half between wanting the weight loss and wanting the freedom.   I half heartedly try.  I half heartedly keep my finger in the pot.  I log onto myfitnesspal every day....gotta keep my streak going you know!!!   But I don't log religiously.....I log half heartedly.  And usually just breakfast with an occasional lunch tracked. It's sad really. 

 Half-hearted effort....and no results.   They go hand in hand don't they?  And what's worse they breed more of the same!!!

I haven't give up totally.   I want to live and be active up until the end.....and I know weight loss...or rather a healthy lifestyle is important to accomplish that goal.   And that thought alone is what is keeping that one wee little toe of mine in this race. 

My weight for this week?  Up 2 pounds.  Grrr.   I am right where I was in March.  I guess I should be happy that in holding steady within a five pound range.  (I have dropped on occasion but  I'm pretty much sticking within a 3 pound range....I'm at the top of that range right now)

So let's look at the positives.  

So far in 2016.......

I have hiked 180.67 miles.

I have run 157.89 miles.  

I have walked 369.63 miles!!! 

We have hiked and stood at overlooks.  

We  hiked to scenic beaches through nature preserves.

We have stood at the bottom of a waterfall and then a few hours later stood at the top of that same waterfall after a long climb up.

We have walked the beach....

And walked through graveyards and around ruins and other interesting places exploring...  

We have walked countless hours in museums.

And 

I have been somewhat active!!!  

So there are positives!!!

And as I reread what I wrote and looked at the positives one thing was startling clear in my thoughts.   I want to live!!!  I want to be looking at pictures of myself in 40 years of me standing at a waterfall....in a museum (and not as a mummy but as a visitor)...at a beach sunset....viewing an overlook!  Yes I'll be 84....it's doable!!!

I don't know how this is going to play out.  I am making no vows to be religious with tracking.  I make no vows to watch healthy.  I make no vows to never eat a chip again!   I make no promises at all!   

But maybe.....just maybe I can find some kind of happy medium!!!!

Slowly dwindling supply

I've had a few punches in my progress the last 12 hours or so......lets just call them whammys!

The first Whammy.....(and I apologize...number one may be a bit long). It's a whammy to my heart...but also a reminder to myself...an important lesson!

Sometimes we don't realize the impact that we have on others.  In a way it is mind boggling!  I was just reminded of this in a very real way within the last 24 hours....  Let me start at the beginning...about 30 years ago...junior high and high school.   I was friendly to all and counted most people in the school as 'friends....more acquaintance friends'.  I had some that I was a little closer with.....One of those was Jennifer.   We spent every lunch together sitting on a bench on the quad.   We rode the bus together.  We had multiple classes together.  She was quiet, smart and really sweet.   She had the deepest southern accent.  We got along great.  I moved away right around graduation...and we have not seen each other since then.  However we have faithfully kept in touch via Letters, Christmas cards (even during crazy college years when I almost no one got Christmas cards from me, I would go to hallmark and buy a special one for her) and once social media hit through Facebook and other such mediums. In recent years sadly it was only random 'likes' and comments on Facebook and the yearly Christmas card.  Last night when my cell phone rang with an unknown number I almost didn't answer it.  Telemarketer or some such none sense I was sure.   But the Dade City, Florida displayed on my phone made me curious...because well I lived in Brooksville which is right near there...and of course Jennifer lives in Dade City.   I answered it expecting to shortly thereafter hang up on a sales call. (Yes I need to get myself back on the do not call list...I must have fallen off that lost!).    The voice on the other end took me right back to the years I lived in Florida.  Deep southern accent ....it was Missy...Jennifer's sister (incidentally missy was just a year or two older so I knew her too).   She was calling to tell me that Jennifer had passed away that morning.  I was in shock.  I talked to missy for a while and found out what happened (she had cancer and had requested that it be kept as private as possible and since I'm 20 hours or so away by car I never knew).    

So a whammy to lose my friend....but also a huge reminder to myself that my actions and behaviors really affect people!!!   Here is someone that was shy and quiet ...I extended my friendship to her and 26 years after the last time we saw each other in person....and after years of not really having real contact I am on the call list that she left to notify about her death.  (can we count the FB likes and the Christmas cards as real contact...I'm going to say no!). I don't even recall sharing my cellphone number with her!!!  I either forgot or they had to search to get my number!  It tells me that my friendship had a larger impact upon her life than I may have realized.

I feel guilty....I could have been such a better friend in recent years!  The Internet opens up the world that makes it easier to stay in touch.    When I was in Florida a few years back (2014) I had thought about flying down a day earlier and visiting Jennifer but logistically and financially it would have been difficult.   But I SHOULD have!!! 

  How simple an act of kindness...the extension of friendship really is...but very far reaching in the hearts and lives of those on the receiving end!!!  

Whammy two came while I was on the phone with Missy.  I asked what type of cancer.   Colo-rectal....already spread to the liver at the time of diagnosis.   My heart stopped.   That is exactly what my father is fighting!  I heard the story of Jennifer's fight and while it started with the same diagnosis it sounds like she gave up and stopped fighting.  I'm going to cling to that and to the power of prayer when it comes to my father!!! (Dad is currently receiving radiation in Baltimore...which they indicate will be the last step before surgery....he is concerned about his cat that is home alone....with me and my cats!!!!  I sent him this picture last night.....and yes, shadow is definitely missing his daddy!!!  Just like Ethel is really missing her granddaddy!!)

Dad seems to be handling the radiation with flying colors....just like he did the first rounds of chemo!  We continue to pray!!

Whammy three?  Just the normal monthly ick.

Whammy four????   I woke up with draining sinus ick causing a sore throat and a sinus pressure headache!

You know your day isn't going to go well when you make a stop at the pharmacy and your purchases look like this...

Yes I made a few more purchases while I was there...

In fairness the sweet tarts were buy one get one for 25 cents.  And they are kind of a memory from high school (that's when I used to get them) so it seemed fitting!!

Ohhh and while Jennifer's death is just reminding me to take care of myself to try to be as healthy as possible so that I CAN live far into the future in a healthy manner.....today is just a day that I needed more...

I'm not falling off the rails...but for today I'm going to mourn the loss of my friend,  lament about my failure as a friend, worry about my dad, cough and sniffle through this sinus gunk, and just ride out the monthly ick and its corresponding emotions with a slowly dwindling pile of candy on my work desk!!!!

How time flies

So I haven't been here....and I haven't been eating super healthy.  Oh and I haven't been running!

I have hiked and walked!!!  Does that count for something???  

I think my problem now is that I don't want to go back to being that extremely strict girl that literally cried when I dropped my counted out chips..causing some to crumble.  Why did I cry?  I had already eaten some....I lost some to crumbs and I didn't know how many I had left to eat.  I don't want to be so anal that the mere thought of eating a French fry makes my blood curdle.  I don't want to stop living!  And in fact living that regimented while necessary at the time (it helped by teaching me valuable lessons in diet, my body and willpower) are not healthy emotionally for a long term existence!!!  

Yet I want to lose weight!   We once again saw an older couple out hiking together.   I want that to be me when I'm old and gray (ok older and grayer!!).   I don't want to have to use a walker or be in a wheelchair or worse.  I want to have the world by the horns and enjoy life until my dying day!!!!   Yes I can enjoy life as an overweight girl....but I also know that being overweight causes health problems and will eventually lead to debilitating illnesses and issues that will decrease my quality of life.  I don't want that.  I want to do anything and everything that I can to protect that future!!! 

So where does that leave me???   Not a weight loss nazi....but still losing weight? Seems reasonable to me.

First up?

Tracking...not so much to be so regimented...but to seriously and realistically know what I'm eating...and conversely what I'm burning through these walks, hikes and runs.  

Junk food....Chips....minimalize how many chips I eat!!!   Oh and red velvet whoopie pies...moderation.    I'm not saying I won't eat some French fries...or potato chips.   I just need to cut back.  Every other meal is not acceptable!  (Ok maybe it wasn't that bad...but I know I've eaten more chips in the last months than I have for years!!)

Focus on trying to get the fruits and veggies!!!  I have been woefully lacking!   Healthy food tastes so good too!!!   

So no big plan...just a slow shift to healthier eating.  And if it's a slow loss then that's ok too.   Healthy is what matters!!

I have been happy though!!!! Utterly happy!!!!

I love that picture...It just makes me smile!!!

So it's been a while.   Last weekend we spent some time in Manassas, VA.  It was fun and relaxing!  (And a bit windy)

  

We also finally made it to The Elephant Emporium.   This place was so odd that it amused me....Jason said it felt like a scene out of a 'b' horror movie!

Then this weekend we went to Dumfries, VA and spent some time there....also in Fredericksburg, VA and points in between.

We actually ate a bit healthier this weekend...

But not totally healthy...

But we saw the sites and got some walking in...5.3 miles on Saturday...and we finally got to see the 1780's cemetery in Fredericksburg (we've tried before but when it's cloudy they don't open it...go figure)

 We also went to Government Island...a park in Virginia....notable because it contains the remnants of an  old quarry that was instrumental in supplying certain stones for important buildings such as the White House and the Nations Capital. (And we got in about three miles of walking)

Here is a picture of us standing up on some of the stone looking over the quarry.

It was a short hike...but the scenery was nice!

(Yes the man is part of the scenery I was referring to!!)

And then on the way home we saw a spectacular sky!!!

(The pictures are unedited...the sky was that brilliant...and the pictures were taken about 5 minutes apart)

So onward we move as I try to adopt (re-adopt) a healthier lifestyle.   One that is healthy for all aspects!!!  Not just food but emotions!!

The past week

This past week was a week of a ton of food!!!  

This past week was a week of no running!

This past week I managed to basically hold on to my weight by the skin of my teeth.

Ok let's start with running!  A week and a half ago I wrote a post that laid out a detailed plan to actually reach my monthly goal of 40 miles.  Uhhhh yeah....that didn't happen!   I didn't run even once!!!  It was rainy some days.   I spent four days away.  My shoes were giving me blisters.   Yeah.  It just didn't happen.  So we shall see for this month. I bought new shoes yesterday (same shoes ...but through Amazon...so a whole lot cheaper than the store...and no shipping cuz I'm a prime member!).  That should help matters!!!   Maybe I can sneak in 40 for October!!!

Yes we were away for four days.  We went up to New Jersey.   We spent time in Atlantic City

 Wildwood 

and Cape May

Yes we climbed the Cape May Lighthouse.  We also climbed the Absecon Lighthouse...

We hit up Ripleys Believe it or not... And walked the Boardwalk down to Ventnor Coty and beyond.  (And the Boardwalk in wildwood)

And of course we walked many miles hand in hand on the beach!

  

All told we walked about thirty miles in 4 days....

So the walking, lighthouse climbing and time walking in unsteady sand on the beach kinda negated the food....

Why yes..that huge bucket of fries was lunch one day.   I didn't stop to take a picture of the delicious deep fried Reece's cups we found on the Boardwalk either!!   Or the delicious pizza....subs...barbecue...caramel popcorn...taffy. and other goodness!!

So it was with fear that I stepped onto the scales today.   But I was only up by about 6/10ths of a pound!    I am so happy with that!!

Back to the grind and back to watching and being healthy!  It's time!!!

Victory

Somehow I held on and had loss this week. 227.0 pounds.   I know it is a combination of the ick moving onward and the fact that I ate really lightly last night.    

Yes I know for some odd reason my emotions were on edge last night.  Let's just say that falling in love and risking my heart again has been an emotional roller coaster....i am ecstatically happy but I have days where I fear him walking away and breaking my heart....I guess that's natural!  Luckily they are now few and far between...but when they come they ache!!! 

Here is the thing.    Yesterday for lunch I had a packet of belvita breakfast bars (I've been eating them for lunch) and an orange...and dinner a pb&j.   I should have been hungry....but I actually was just fine without more food.   Thank heavens for emotions and a cat weighing me down and keeping me in my chair!!!   Makes me wonder how much food we eat that we really honestly have absolutely no need for!!!

It's hard to not eat food when it's there and available....and when we are bored...stressed...or any array of emotions!  Last night my lethargy caused by emotions and my old cat Ethel in my lap disallowing me to get up without a grumpy cat in my hands helped me make this realization.   But that was one night   I wish I knew how to easily stop and get it under control....because I can say that while I had my epiphany about the pb&j being enough To really satisfy me, I know that when push comes to shove if I sit back tonight and am confronted with food....it will probably have a different end result.  

Sweet Spot

Is it any shock to say that I am NOT enjoying this journey right now??   I am in a sweet spot with my weight though.....so that's a good thing.   What do I mean about a sweet spot?   Basically I am easily able to maintain my weight.   When I just throw up my hands in defeat...or when I buckle down...my weight stays within a one to two pound range.  

So I haven't written in a while..so here is the update....

I actually kept my eating somewhat under control...no didn't walk quite as much...but I did run and get some walking in!

Jason and I spent that weekend (the last weekend in August) roaming around old graveyards, churches and museums.

My weight held steady.

I am proud to announce though that my 40 miles in August was completed!!!!!   Not much wiggle room but it was done!!! I ran 40.48 miles!!!    So I am aiming for 40 miles again in September!  40 was a stretch for me with my pace, work schedule and life responsibilities.  If/when it starts to become easy to get that number is the time to up it!!!

This past week...well...food tracking had NOT happened!!!  Have I eaten within my budget?   Who knows?   I don't think it was crazy outside of what I normally eat....notice I said 'think'.   But I know it was more than normal!!

I have thought about it....and I know what I want and where I want to be.   And I know what I have to do to get there!!!  I just need to do it!!!!   

Plans?  

1.  Start using the gym that I pay for on a monthly basis. (In addition to my running)   Maybe try to hit a class or two here and there.  

2. Use the stair stepper leg thingy that I have at home....even if it is just 15 minutes a day!!

3. Upper body.....I am weak!!!   I need to fix that

4.  Resume tracking immediately!

5. Run run run....

Yes, I have noticed that most of my plans center around exercise.   And yes, I know that weight is lost in the kitchen and not the gym.  But I also know that when I'm exercising ...I may be hungrier but typically I tend to eat healthier!  Go figure!!

So this weekend Jason and went away.  The weather was gorgeous...perfect hiking weather!   However, we were feeling lazy and just wanted a low key weekend!!!  (Plus we hate crowds and I imagine the trails were wall to wall people!!). So we roamed through little towns...did some antiquing.....hit up old restaurants....watched tv.....talked and laughed together.  It was low key....and just what we both probably needed!!

I still think the straw hat should have been a purchase!!!

So back to the grind today!!   Work. Food.  Exercise!!!  

Epiphanies

I drew that line in the sand last week and said it was time to clean up my eating.  I did fairly well on Wednesday night.  (My breakfast and lunch had already done me in calorie wise but the evening I did pretty good).   Thursday night I fell apart.  Sheetz.....pepperoni pretzel melt and of course I couldn't keep it at just that.  I also ordered a fried appetizer sampler.   Tater tots, fried cheese and fried macaroni and cheese bites.   And I grabbed a package of Reeces Cups.  (At least it was the small package and not the king size!).    On Friday I would like to say that it got better....but uhhh no.  I had some cheese puffs and while it was a smaller bag....that bag was still 3 servings, and I ate them ALL!   Saturday I didn't do well either......hey, we stopped at a local fair and had fair food for lunch!
On sunday I started to turn it around though!    And while I'm not being 'perfect' in my eating. I am doing really well!  (Perfection only sets one up for failure, so I'm just aiming for 'good')

I have been active!  Lots of walking...and even some hiking!

My running.....well my work schedule kept me from running on Monday and Tuesday this week...so I am just starting to work on my weekly miles.  Not a biggie.  I ran this morning and managed 2.42 (not bad after a long mountainous hike yesterday).   That leaves me with 6.8 miles to run by the end of the month to meet my 40 mile goal.  Piece of cake!   

And I showed a nice loss!   Last week my weight was up and I wasn't expecting it...I think a lot was water weight and just what I had eaten the night before.  This morning I woke up thirsty and feared my weigh in results.  But I was down....

So on Sunday I had an epiphany.   I'm not going to go into it too deeply here. But I saw a commercial for a car.   I started to think about how my car is 12 years old and nearing 200,000 miles.  I am very blessed that it runs smoothly and well. (It's a litttle loud right now but that will be fixed when I get new tires and replace the control arm.....I'm just holding off on the tires to suck as much life out of them as possible...before winter for sure!)   It saddened me to realize that while I work full time, I struggle to get by...and I'm not really getting by.  I can't afford a new car (or a used one).  I can't afford an apartment on my own (Thank you mom and dad for the roof over my head!).   It's a struggle.     Once I went to that place in my head, I started to really delve into how my 'career' ended up here.  From teaching and what went wrong there (Yeah, I always get a little melancholy at the beginning of the school year) to various jobs that had I known what I know now I would have made my career instead of a 'job'.  To my dead end job that I currently have.   It wasn't pretty.  
At the same time, I started to think about other aspects of my life  such as relationships......my marriage.  Pride that I got out of a bad situation.  My relationship wtih Jason.  Happiness and joy to experience what I am experiencing with him.   
I thought about all the dreams and hopes that I had for my future.....some of them gone forever...some of them being revived.  (Thank you Jason).
And of course my coursing and weaving through these revelations and feelings were thoughts about my weight.   How I wished I had tried to lose the weight when I was 18 so that college would have been a different experience.   How I wish I would have tired to lose weight at 25 so that such and such would have been different.   And maybe losing at 30 so that I could have had kids. (Yes, sad to have that dream die but in reality a blessing when the marriage ended).  So much time wasted....and I know that life would have been different had I lost the weight.  Maybe not because the world would have treated me differently (Although I fully believe that some opportunities did pass me by because of my weight)  but more or less because my confidence has many times been tied to my weight...the higher the weight, the lower the confidence.  
I vowed to turn my life into a different direction.  The job thing is a priority......I am waiting for one or two things to be settled before I really delve into looking. (My father will most likely be having surgery for his cancer ...and that will take place in Baltimore, an hour away....so I will want and need to use some sick time to be there for that and to help get my mother back and forth while he is in the hospital down there.....kinda of hard to do at a new job).  The other thing?   This weight.   I'm tired of it.  I want the confident and vibrant woman that I became when I was thinner back!  I want to live!  I want to be healthy!  I want want want!
So my decisions made, I carried on with the day.   I don't know if Jason sensed my unrest or my thoughts or what but he started a long conversation about my weight and the war I have waged upon it.  (Maybe I actually mumbled my thoughts out loud instead of in my head! ha ha ha ha).  He was just curious about my highest and how I felt when I was higher and how I felt when I was thinner.  Then he laid it out there.   He personally had decided that it is time for him to clean up his eating.  He told me that he knows how much healthier he feels when he is eating correctly.  He said "I'm not expecting you to eat the same way"  but I just feel that this is something I personally need to do.   
Wow....what perfect timing!   I'm not saying that I couldn't do it without him but if he is eating healthier I know that I will tend to eat healthier.   And if he doesn't make the changes in his life?  No biggie.  I've got this!

Confusion

Today I stepped on the scales for my weekly weigh in.   I saw the number on the scales and I immediately stepped off. I stood in front of the mirror and I actually said to myself.  'I don't know what to do anymore'.  You see....I was up.   Two to three pounds up!  And in that short moment I felt helpless and the situation seemed hopeless!  Almost immediately I grabbed hold of myself...because let's be honest, I know what do do!

I didn't let the numbers on the scale deter me.... I put on my exercise clothes and headed out.   I had run on Monday. 3.85 miles...I needed to knock out at least 3 to keep myself on track with weekly miles so that I can reach my August target of 40 miles.   (Jason is already saying that next month I need to push it to 45 miles....we shall see!!).  Out I went this morning.   And I am happy to say that I achieved 4.25 miles.    I only have 1.9 miles left this week to reach my target!  Go me!!!

So here is my stats for the last week...

I thought quite a bit while I was running.  Lots of deep thoughts!

First and foremost I thought about my weight and my efforts. 

  So my first self revelation was the thought/remembrance that I have NEVER been able to eat my earned exercise calories and lose weight well.   It's a sad but true fact.  If you look at recent weeks...I eat those exercise calories and I haven't been losing.  Plain and simple. Cut the calories that I eat and I should start losing.   This one scares me because on running and big hike days (and sometimes the day afterward) I am hungry!  But I'm going to work on it.

 Secondly....Being brutally honest....chips have crept into my diet.  I've even had French fries on a few occasions. (more than I should and let's leave it at that).  I eat way too much macaroni and cheese.....way too many carbohydrates.   I have been working to up the fruits and veggies consumption but the bad stuff is there.    It's time to clean it up.   

Last nights walk saw 5 swans gliding over the water together.   The city park swans usually only travel solo or in pairs.

What did I just do?????

Well...I have NO CLUE what I weigh.  I will find out tomorrow morning....or Tuesday morning.  I'm not expecting greatness.  On Friday morning I was up a bit on the scales so......

BUT.....in my post on Friday, I wrote about a rough run and calling it a victory to get three miles in even though I still ended up .45 miles short of my weekly target.  We left for a long weekend in Richmond shortly after my run...so I knew that I had faced defeat in my weekly target.  BUT......our hotel room was only a few doors down from the fitness center.   On Saturday we were in and out of buildings....walked a fair amount in the blistering heat and when we landed back at the hotel I thought about that .45 of a mile.  So when Jason hopped into the shower to clean off the sweat and grime of sightseeing on a HOT summer day....I went down to the gym and voila........ Nothing extra.... but 10 miles completed...every bit of those ten miles!




So yes, Jason and I went to Richmond, VA for a long weekend.   We woke up on the first morning there and looked out the hotel window and saw the nutmobile sitting outside our window.  How fun is that????

It was REALLY hot outside.  Heat advisory warnings the whole weekend.  So we tried to plan our activities around Air Conditioned buildings.  (We spent a bit more time outside on Saturday than was probably wise...)  We found LOTS of things to do...and we are going to have to go back because we didn't even scratch the surface of activities.  (And because we didn't even have time to get to the Museum of the Confederacy...which is one of the reasons that I wanted to go to Richmond ....isn't it crazy how that happens!)

Virginia War Memorial and Museum

Hollywood Cemetery  (We want to come back and explore it by foot when it is cooler)

Virginia Holocaust Museum

Tibetian Monks....art

Chimborazo Civil War Hospital

St. Johns Church....site of Patrick Henry's famous speech "Give me Liberty......"

Virginia Historical Society Museum