Wasting time

Well, I have managed two runs and no selfies.  AMAZING!  It almost feels as if I didn't run at all those days!   :-)   Ok, I so I just forgot to do it because I had other things on my mind.   Oh well...I'll get there sooner or later.

Monday was rainy but we had a bit of clear skies around 2.  So I carted myself off of my desk chair at work and went for a walk.  It wasn't fast and it wasn't long (25 minutes) but it got me out and gave me a bit of exercise in the middle of the day.  It was HOT!  GRRRR   Anyway.  I walked and moved.  I don't plan on doing it everyday, but if I can do it here and there it would be good.

So no selfie on my walk....but a cool old dilapidated barn counts right???

Monday evening I hit up zumba.   With the extra weight I have added I can feel every step, jump and hop in zumba.  Regaining this weight has shown me how much the weight really affects me.  Life is HARD with the extra pounds!

Tuesday started early with a run outside.  I am doing week 4 and it was day three of my couch to 5k (yeah, remember I skipped ahead to where I thought was a good start since I KNEW that running 60 seconds and walking 3 minutes while sounding fabulous was not where I needed to start!).   I started off and did my 5 minute warm up.  I heard some static come on with my music and since I knew that was where I typically start to run I started running......and that was the last I heard from the couch to 5k program.  Yes, I had a bit of a malfunction (later I realized that I have to have my ringer on for c25k to work properly on my phone).  This was day three of the same run so I knew roughly where I needed to walk and where I needed to run...but remember...my rule is I don't stop until the little voice tells me to....so I ran....and ran....and ran.  It was slow.   Ok....I didn't make it home.  I did half of my run and when I hit the turn around I decided that I couldn't do it...and I intervalled it back...but defaulting to the 'run until I feel like I need a bit of a break'  (and we all know our mind tells us to stop sooner than we need to!)  I'm proud of myself though.   By the turn around I should have been on my third walk segment..and I made that my FIRST walk.     

This morning I headed out....and remembered to turn on my ringer so that the c25K app would work correctly.  Utterly amazing at how well it really did work with that little thing changed.   I decided that since I technically didn't do week 4 day three that I would redo it.   It was a rough run.   There was one time in the last 5 minute run segment that I wanted to stop.  I felt my self falter in my stride as I prepared to stop....but then I told myself .  NO!   Keep going!   I did...and well.....I did it.   Sometimes what my body is capable of amazes me. 

 I've told myself to not worry about my times and my pace while I am doing he c25k program.....but we all know me.....and I have to say that while today's run was rough, I managed to do it and knock roughly a half minute off of each mile..  Not shabby....if I were counting that is.  

My weight is up.  I'm not happy about it.  But I know what the problem is....my eating is off the cuff.  Last night it was a Chinese Buffet with Paula.  Yeah yeah yeah.....another eat out. (and tonight will probably be another one....don't be a hater!)   We had our fun and we had our deep conversations.  We had to laugh because there was a guy dining alone at the table beside us...and he was OBVIOUSLY listening to everything we said.  Hope he enjoyed the conversations about our boyfriends, my ex, our work and running.  

Of course we opened our fortunes and I about fell off my chair because for the first time I got a fortune that really spoke to me.  And lets remember that for a while I would open my fortune cookie and there would either be a blank slip of paper or there wouldn't be any slip of paper....and you wonder why I was praying to die to get out of the situation I was in....even the fortune cookies picked up on my desperation.  ha ha ha   Anyway, I digress.......the fortune cookie that spoke to me.   (because aren't fortunes really more words of wisdom???)

My eyes literally got huge.   Wow...this one is something I need to remember.   For so many reasons!

No, no, no.....I don't pine after my soon to be ex. (very soon if I'm lucky!)  So I am not wasting time  wondering and thinking about him.   BUT, it's hard to not sit and feel crappy because of the FAILURE.  I obsess over the fact that I'm going to be a divorce'.   I grew up in a culture where divorce was really looked down upon and while I know my family and my friends don't give a hoot because they love me.....I still have those memories of 'the bad divorced person'   in my mind.   So this fortune/words of wisdom are good on me.  The divorce is happening.  In my mind it is a done deal...I just have to wait for our government to recognize what I already know with absolute certainty!     So I need to stop wasting my time worrying and thinking about the negative stuff...I need to stop worrying about being the 'big bad divorced lady'  and I need to stop thinking that this is a failure on my part.  (Heck, my ex flat out tells me that he knows that 99% of the marital break up was him......so why do I feel like a failure!)   Well....I think it's time to follow the advice of this fortune.

I have also been mired in a different situation.   I have been dreaming about the 'what if'.  The what if has been there for some time now...but it was a total long shot so it was just a good thought.  But in the last few weeks the what if has become a greater possibility for the future.  It is still a total long shot...but it has caused my mind to spin more wildly.   And this fortune/advice was for me....because I need to stop worrying about the what if's that might have been and might be.  I need to live my life day by day and if the what if's happen then I an be happy.    

How does this pertain to a weight loss blog?   Lots of ways!  .Emotions affect my eating and my life.   I can't let that happen...not for the negative at least.

 I also  obsess about the past.  If only I had not stopped running consistently, then I wouldn't be back redoing the c25k!   If only I had not regained the weight. If only I had not.......  It is self destructive!  I can't change the past.   Today and tomorrow are the days that  I can change.  So lets do it!

Come back!!!

On Friday afternoon I went out to lunch.   We have fallen into the routine of appetizers (pretzel sticks on Friday) and I got a buffalo chicken sandwich and fries.  I was so full that come dinner I was still stuffed to the point of being sick.   Really?   Why do I do it to myself.    I thought about it long and hard and decided that I need to stop ordering my food out of long ago habits.  I need to make new habits and return to my weight loss lifestyle habits!

You see, what I ordered is what the old maryfran would have ordered.   The 300 plus pound MaryFran would have ordered that (ok at least I didn't order dessert too!!).  My life is in an upheaval and I have just automatically slipped back into the habits, roles and routine that last felt comfortable.   Where did the 'no thank you, I don't want fries' girl go?   Where did the 'no appetizer today but thank you all the same' girl on a mission disappear to?  We can call her Elvis, because she definitely left the building!!!!     As I lay in bed thinking about it I knew that I was totally satisfied when I was eating the meals without fries....and the meals without appetizers.   100% satisfied and I felt great...none of this stuffed so full that I'm afraid a cat will scratch me and set free an explosion of pent up food.  The path I'm on is not a good one!!

So I am proud to say that when I went out to eat with a good friend of mine on Saturday at lunch that I ordered a salad.   Ok, so it had crispy deep fried chicken in it....it was still a salad.  (Was a time that I would have not ordered the crispy chicken and instead gotten grilled chicken or no chicken at all!)   I also was so happy to see my friend that I ate slow and ended up not licking my plate clean. (I actually left food...unheard of lately!)  And I felt fabulous after eating...none of the stuffed feeling for me on Saturday!!!

Sunday morning...another run.  Still happy with my decision to bump up one more week in the couch to 5k training.  It is hard but I can do it...a challenge is good!!!

And on the note of running....why is it that I feel I must take a picture of myself while running...or rather at the end of my run???  It's almost like in my mind the run is not complete without the obligatory selfie!   Yeah, I'm bonkers!!

While talking to my friend on Saturday I realized (with his kind words of encouragement) that I NEED to figure out the food thing.   I get home much later...most days after my parents have eaten.  I don't want to cook anything major for myself.  Thus I default to a pb&j or make a box of macaroni and cheese for myself. (I can say that most of the time at least the box of Mac-n-cheese works as two meals!).  Not horrible choices but not awesome. (Ok they are horrible..the Mac-n-cheese at least)   So I tend to end up grabbing food on the way home...more horrible choices!   Both weight wise and financially speaking.    I've gotta figure this out!!!!  

Hotter than Hades

I really pondered what to do with my couch to 5k run the other day.   Where I started was not exactly easy but it really wasn't that difficult either.  I couldn't decide if I should stay on that week of the training or if I should bump it up a week.   I waffled back and forth for the last two days.  But today I decided to go for broke.  If it wasn't difficult then I was starting too easy.  So I bumped it up to the next week.   GOOD CHOICE!    

My run this morning was hard.  There were some times during the run portions that I was just begging myself to stop running and walk a bit.  I however stuck with it and did not walk until the program told me to walk and when it told me to run.....I ran again.  No questions asked.  I just did it.

It was hot outside!!!!!!  Even at 7/7:30 in the morning!  But I did it.  And I even took time to stop and smell the roses.  No worries...it was during the cool down walk.  :-)

Last night I mowed the yards here....and then I moved furniture.  Once again it was HOT!   Summer is definitely here.

So I've been moving.....now to get the food back in line and I'll be rolling!

And this is definitely my cat's mode of operation!!!!

Masterpiece

Wow.....running.   I've been so lax.   Running has been non existent yet I still have plans for running the donut alley rally (not to self....register for that puppy). And I still have the grandiose plan for running this half marathon in October (the rock and roll half in Philly).    I had sat down and looked at training plans and had realized that if I could consistently run 3 miles by the beginning of August that I would be right in line to start a half training.  I've been lazy and realize that I need to run NOW and not later.   And by consistently running I mean running regularly and also running and not wimping out and walk-running.  

So I have been a struggling with running and decided that maybe I need to redo the couch to 5k program.  I knew I probably wouldn't need to start at the beginning.  Today I jumped in and did it.   I decided to try week 3.   I managed it pretty well.   I am torn between completing week three or pushing forward to week four...just finding my starting point since I'm not exactly a beginner.  Lol

So today I started.   

As I was running I realized that this was probably the best thing.   The voice on the program tells me when to walk and when to run.   I follow it diligently.  No deviations.  When I'm just interval running on my own trying to build up my endurance I just run until I feel the need to stop.   And I probably cut myself short of what I am capable of!   I know for a fact that if I follow the couch to 5k program that it works and I will be running straight lengths of time...I just need to do it!!

I listened to the Andy Crammer album this morning as I ran.  I finally downloaded it based on the song honey I'm good (catchy good song) I was listening and running my little heart out (or walking depending on the instructions at the moment) and the song masterpiece came on...   Nice song.   We are in the drivers seat...we can create the masterpiece of our lives...it's up to us!!!!!!

and the lyrics

"Masterpiece"

Life is a canvas you paint in the mind
Colors dance, spill outside the lines
I refuse to settle, never the black and white
Rock the neons until the day I die

I’m on a constant search to make my heart swell
Bite off too much, chew like hell
Half my nights spent in a hotel
Price I paid to escape the conveyor belt

One, you get one heartbeat so, take it seriously
This is your masterpiece, don’t forget to dream
And taste the colors in the air you breathe
It’s your masterpiece, go ahead and feel it all
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful

Close my eyelids, take a deep breath
Feel the lightening down to my chest
I’m just a piece of art, and the paints fresh
Cuz I’m not yet finished yet
I’ve got a pregnant mind that wants to give birth
Breathe life into these big words
I can hear the universe in my ear

She whispers, you get one, one heartbeat so take it seriously
This is your masterpiece, don’t forget to dream
And taste the colors in the air you breathe
It’s your masterpiece, go ahead and feel it all
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
And you can settle for a normal life
Said that your afraid of heights
But you were meant to light the sky

This is your masterpiece
Don’t forget to breathe and taste the colors in the air you breathe
This is your masterpiece go ahead and feel it all
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa..)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful

Fighting

Fighting for all I'm worth.  I have gotten lost along the way.  In more ways than I really WANT to admit.....but because I am always brutally honest on my blog I will make the confessions.

I have gained 30 pounds since I moved in with my parents.  Why yes.  30 pounds.  I'm struggling.  I say I'm going to work on getting it under control and I actually start and then it falls apart.  For whatever reason.  Sometimes it falls apart because I a go away (like the weekend at the ocean) sometimes it falls apart because emotions get to me.  Sometimes it falls apart because I am a social eater..  So many reasons. But the end result is the same.  I've gained weight and it's not pretty.

I've already admitted to the marriage falling apart.  I am struggling.  I am over my ex husband but I struggle with the failure of my marriage.  I struggle with failing.  I struggle with the label of divorcee (which I am not one yet....VERY soon hopefully).   I struggle.   It's hard to walk away from the life that I had created.....even if it was a life created upon his lies and deeds.  Life is different and I've not found my stride yet.

My job has been a bit of a trial lately.   I won't go into it, but it's not a great situation.   A small part of it is that it is a small town of 800 people and my soon to be ex husband lives there.  So as all small towns are, everyone knows everything and that's not good for me right now. 

Somedays I just want to give up. It's overwhelming to have pretty much every aspect of your life crumble around you. I try to tell myself that if everything is in a pile of rubble around me then I have the opportunity to rise from the ashes and create something fabulous.  But most days it feels like an insurmountable pile of rubble to climb over.  

And then tonight, I was driving home from dinner and I heard this song and this is MY song!  It was written for me.   Ironically enough, a few weeks ago my youngest nephew talked about this song and I listened to it with him.  And I remember saying "cool song" but it wasn't until I heard it tonight that it really hit me.     Powerful......and what a message to hear and to turn into my words.   So here it is......Rachel Platten, "Fight Song"  in video form and also in lyric form. 

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Ummmmmmm

So that redo didn't go well!

Why yes I ate out...just a tad.  Two waffle house meals (in one day), Texas Roadhouse, Bob Evans, Papa Johns, Jimmy Johns, Buffalo Wild Wings, Battleview and Nutters Ice Cream shop.  It was not a stellar week.

I'm holding my own weight wise.  Does that count for ANYTHING?

My week was ABSOLUTELY NUTS.   It started on Monday when my soon to be ex ran into my car.  I do believe you read that right.  He ran into my parked car.  The damage wasn't TOO  bad.

Luckily I was able to pound/pop it out pretty easily only leaving a tiny ding.  (ok, thank you to my father and brother for doing it).  Ohhh, why didn't I turn it into insurance?  The car he was driving....still in my name and on my insurance!   Believe me.....that was switched THIS WEEK!

I was busy.....I had to say goodbye to a person in my life that I care about but it was for the best to let go.   So lots of tears.

I had to deal with my soon to be ex more than I preferred!  

Zumba is knocked down for the summer to two classes a week.  I had to miss the Monday night class because I had a nice dent in my car that I wanted looked at.  I did make it to Wednesdays class.  Running???  That didn't happen.  My excuse (I'm so good at excuses) was that the cut/wound on my foot from when I was walking the beach last Sunday morning is still not healed and still hurts like heck!   I have to get cracking on this running thing.  Speaking of running, I am contemplating going through the couch to 5k running program again.  I think it will be easier (and I an probably start a few weeks into the program...but that it would be a great way to ease back in and maybe pick up some speed!)

I took my camera out with me again this morning.  I enjoyed my time with my camera in my hand again.   It feels good.  For so long it was my source of happiness and then it just bothered me to use my camera.......so it was refreshing for the second time to just enjoy.

Redo????

Can I have a redo???

I made it......I tracked my food through Thursday.....I was on track calorie budget wise through Thursday....and then I went to the beach......

It was bad......ohhh so very tastily bad!  

So this week I'm going to redo that challenge!

So I will leave you with a few photos from my weekend!

Raise your Hands High!

Raise your hands high but I managed to track everything I ate this week. One night I slipped up and didn't get it into my tracker until the following morning...and there was that one day that I ate at a buffet and kinda struggled with my flagging memory.   Lots of days were OVER.  Yeah, way over.

So, I made it a week.  Yup.  And it didn't kill me.   It didn't kill me at all.  It was pretty easy actually.  I didn't like what I saw some days but you know what?  It's life.

So, next up is calories........I will continue to track my food.   The addition this week?  Calorie count....stay within it!

This will be a really difficult thing...maybe.  You see, I'm going away next weekend for a quick get-a-way to the ocean.  Yup...so eating out and good food.  MMMMMM   There may be a dessert or two involved.

Now....don't think it hasn't escaped me that just like there was a loophole last week that there is a loophole this week.      You see, I didn't say I was going to keep my calories at a certain number.  I'm not saying that I will eat between 1200 to 1300 calories.   I am simply going to keep it within my calorie count.  So therefore, if I go out for pizza one night.....I better run the heck off of my legs to 'pay the price'.  And there my friends is the loophole.......I may have to run every morning, walk every lunch break and hit up zumba each night, but if that's what it takes to keep my calories 'in line...then so be it.    Now the nice part?  I SHOULD be more active at the beach......so it should help with the calories....and I was already planning on taking my running clothes to maybe slip in one or two runs.

I've got this...

Loopholes and Queso

Monday I started this tracking stuff hard core.  I was all over that tracker, like white on rice.  I had this down!  No food was getting past my lips that wasn't going to be tracked.  After all, it's just a week......who can't do something for a week.  And then as I stood waiting for my zumba class to start it hit me.  I vowed to track every bite of my food......I did NOT vow to keep my food under a certain calorie count.  LOOPHOLE!!   Hot dog!  (pun intended!) I laughed to myself but I was fully confident that my calories would be spot on.  I knew what I was having for dinner and I also knew that zumba would net me a nice amount of calories that I could 'eat' if I needed.   I'm telling you.  I was all over this, nothing was going to derail me!

Class started......of rather the instructor greeted us....and then her music wouldn't play.  Luckily for her, it was a VERY light class (only three of us had showed up) and it was all regulars and friends that understand these things.  So we sent her home with a "no not worry" we are all good.    BUT the problem?  As soon as class was declared cancelled, Paula (my trusty side kick) threw up her hands and yelled "Margarita Monday!!!!"  

Now seriously?   What kind of friend would I be if I didn't offer to go with her to the local Mexican Restaurant to avail ourselves of the $1.99 margarita special?    We departed and change our clothes (yeah yeah, in the parking lot...what of it?) and headed off to El Ranchero.  Now let me make it clear.....I still had a small bit of control and I ordered a diet Pepsi and said no to the $1.99 margaritas to save my calories.  Yeah, ok so I don't drink much at all and it wasn't because of the caloric content for this one night...but STILL....I didn't drink, that had to count for something right?   Ok, now that I have bragged upon my alcohol-less night, let me say that when the waiter came over and the first words from our lips was "cheese/queso please"   I knew that it was going to go downhill from that moment.  ha ha ha.  I was WAAAAAAY over my calorie goal for Monday.  But you know what???  The goal wasn't to stay within my calories....the goal was to COUNT my calories, right????.  So a victory???  Maybe????

Tuesday!  I have this.  I can do it!   I woke up determined to beat the numbers game...I was going to stay within my calories while tracking everything.   And then my friend let me know that he was playing hookey from work....and well if he was doing it.....who was I to not join him.   So we went to the movies (once again, don't be a hater...Tuesday movies are only $5!!!)  And we went to lunch. Not bad right?   Uhhhh, a buffet style lunch?   I realized what I had done later in the afternoon/evening when I picked up my phone to actually track my food.  Uhhhhhhhh  yeah, I had a small spoon o corn.  And two hushpuppies....yeah, I had a small brownie, and a chicken wing....some mac and cheese......mashed potatoes.....a piece of pizza.....one nibble of the rice (which I didn't like)....and what else?   Hmmmm I've wracked my brain and I think I have everything.    I put it all in there.   Nope, no need to remind me of the salad that I SURELY ate...I didn't eat one!!!!  When all was said and done   I was 200 calories over for the day...and no exercise but I tracked.   A victory again?   Why yes, I'm going to say it is!

Moving on to today, Wednesday.  Here it is in the morning.  My breakfast is logged into myfitnesspal and here I sit at work.  I have grand plans to mow this afternoon (about an hour of push mowing...so activity) and then I plan to go to zumba tonight.  (more activity).   Maybe today I will conquer this tracking AND caloric goal thing. (even though the caloric goal wasn't part of the challenge....ha ha ha)

One week

I weighed myself this morning.  I was back up toward where I was the other week...not that wonderfully low number on the scales. That's ok.  No worries.  I don't know what happened then or now on the scales.  I'm just going to roll with whatever happens and do my best.  

I'm still struggling with tracking.  I am hitting it about 50% and I know that this deficit is a huge part of my weight issues at this time.  Yes, I accept full responsibility!!!  

So, my goal for this upcoming week.  Track EVERY BITE of food that enters my mouth!   Even as I type that, I'm groaning about this task.  It seems insurmountable.  I know it's not...but it sure does feel like it from where I'm sitting right now.  So that is what I am going to try to achieve. One week of tracking EVERYTHING...every meal.   And why it's going to work?    ANYONE can do something for a week.  A measly 7 days, that's nothing!  Piece of cake.  I'm not vowing to do anything past one week....because that's when things get difficult.....longevity is hard.  I'm only saying one week.  Easy Peasy!!!!!!

But in the meantime...my new mantra.....

Mixed bag of emotions race

I ran in the fourth annual Paws on the Pavement run in Hagerstown today.   It is a 5k and this run holds the distinction of being the race where I have managed to run a PR and that record still holds two years later.   So this run holds a special place in my heart.  It is my third time running this. (yeah, I wish I would have run the first one too...so I could say that I've run each and every one...but alas, I'll have to settle for saying I've run three of the four).                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Running has proven to be very difficult for me late.  VERY difficult.  My legs just ache....my body just doesn't want to cooperate.  It's brutal.  So I went into the run today KNOWING that I would be lucky to complete it while running a snails pace and that instead I would probably be walking a good portion of it.  Oh well.....such is life.  

I ran a good bit.  Ok, so it was more of a shuffling walk.....but hey, I was moving.    I know what my pace has been of late (lots of walking breaks) and I wasn't expecting much.  I actually was expecting it to be about the same as my slowest 5K.   I just went to do it.    I also told Paula to run like the wind and not worry about me....to set her PR today!  

We met up with our running buddy Kristen and we were ready to roll.  (As a side note....Kristen and I almost always seem to run consistently the same pace.   Before I even met her in person..I would pace and leapfrog with her in local events.  It wasn't until after we met last year at a race that we started looking at the stats of previous runs and saw that we were almost always only a few people apart crossing the finish line.  She laughs and remembers a run where Paula ran by me and whacked my butt and I chuckle about how I ran behind the girl with pink headphones on a previous race.....turns out it was her...ha ha ha)

We gathered at the start line.  I was shocked.....the race had TOTALLY diminished in size over the three years I'd been running it.  Wow....SPARSE attendance....that doesn't bode well for year 5.  Hmmm    We listened to the normal pre-race chatter and then we were off.

Drat...I forgot to turn on my music.  I spent the first half mile trying to get my music working.  I spent the next mile running in silence before I realized the issue and FINALLY got music pumping through my headphones.  

I'd like to say that I sprouted wings and ran like the wind. I would like to say that I flew over that course and finished with a magical mystical time.   I didn't. I ran.  I am happy with my performance.  I ran quite a bit of it. (ok, my shuffle walk/jog combination...but I'm calling it a run).   I did have to stop and walk a few times..but I kept moving.   I am happy that I got out there and did it.  I am happy that I chose to not back out simpy because I knew I wasn't going to post great numbers.  I did it...and I am happy with myself for that.

You see. I finished it in 45:29. This now takes the place as my very worst ever time in any 5k I have run.  Why yes....the worst ever!   I'm ok with it though.   I have not been running consistently (two or three weeks of runs doesn't really count as consistent does it???). I have allowed myself to gain weight.  Finishing this run in any place other than last place is a victory!  (ok, so last place would still be a victory!!)

What I'm NOT ok with is the fact that I let myself fall backwards in weight loss......in running accomplishments......in my healthy lifestyle.  I'm disgusted with myself for allowing it.  

Next up Donut Alley Rally in early August.......I'm gonna smash my time ...or die trying!

Little bit of nothing

I am kinda sorta staying away from the scales.  I don't know what happened the other day and quite honestly I don't think I want to know.  I don't want to let the scales rule me. I don't want to ruin the good feeling.  I don't want to..... oh well....I'll weigh again in a few days.  Maybe I need to stay away from the scales.

So Tuesday night I skipped zumba.  My legs felt like DEAD WEIGHT....before zumba.   Monday night my legs were horrible....they ached the whole previous night. Just laying in bed they hurt.  So I took off on Tuesday night.  Today I felt much better so I hit up zumba.  So far so good....my legs feel like they worked out but not that terrible heavy painy feel.

Not much to say today......just trucking on.

What in the world???

The last seven to ten days haven't been easy.  I lost my cat and I lost a promotion at work. (one I desperately needed to survive and not have to rely on the generosity of my family).  It was rough.  I tried to maintain my eating and tracking.  I tried to maintain the no soda thing.  I failed...miserably.

Tracking?  Well, I think there was only one or two day that I tracked EVERYTHING.  I also did end up eating out a LOT.  One night we went to the Waffle House after zumba and noticed that they had added the calories to the menu.  Paula and I both cringed to see the actual calorie count of our meals.  But we still indulged in our 1300 calorie meals (ok, wait, we split a waffle so 1100 calories).  We called it a funeral wake for Lucy.  Yeah, I know that's wrong to use my newly departed fur-baby as an excuse to eat....but we did it.  (and honestly, my emotions were whacked out...it was just what it is.)  I went out with a friend on Wednesday....large pepperoni pizza, an appetizer and a shared dessert at Uno's.   Yeah, that couldn't have been healthy. (ok, let me calculate it....heaven help us....2920 calories...one meal.  Yup!)   Lets see, I went out on Saturday night to TGIF and had a salad...along with ..... oh wait lets just talk about the calories.  that meal was 1430 calories.    Sunday night I had pizza and crazy bread from Little Caesars.   It wasn't a stellar eating week. 

Soda?   Uhhhh   Yeah, some meals I managed to drink water.....not with my Little Caesars....nor with TGIF.....or waffle house......but definitely friday night dinner out with my parents...I definitely drank water then!!!!  

The last time I weighed myself I was 253.8.  That weight makes me heartsick.  My clothes are all tight.  If I don't do something soon I'm going to have to leave the 16/18's and move into size 20's.  Something I do NOT want to do....at all.    16's and 18's (ok, mostly 18's right now) is bad enough.    I have been very lax about weighing myself.  It's no fun to see my weight sitting the same.  I will vow to do good and I don't see my weight budge.  It makes no sense....and it kills my motivation.  Something possessed me this morning to step on the scales.  So early early early when I woke up I went to the bathroom and stepped onto the scales.  I looked down.  Really?   Hmmm  245.6   That's interesting.  I did a double take because i've been in the 250's recently...so I'm not quite sure about that.  But I went back to bed.  A while later my friend texted kinda out of the blue and asked what I weighed.   I wrote back. "It has to be wrong...because there is no way I lost 8 pounds in a week."  Seriously, I must have been half whacked when I weighed myself in the wee early hours of the morning.   Sooooo  when I finally got up and got moving I went back to the scales.  I stepped on and waited.  I looked down.  243.6   LOWER (hey, had an extra two or three hours and a bathroom trip).   REALLY??   There is no way!   Something has to be off.  People just don't lose 10 pounds in a week.

The only thing I'll say is when i was in Florida back in October I was stress free and I lost 5 in 5 days.....and I was eating out and eating bad foods the whole time.....maybe I was having a rough week but maybe somehow the underlying stress that has overtaken me in the last few months has seeped away...to wherever it is hiding.   I don't know.   

Either way...I'm MOTIVATED NOW!

Grrrr

Running this trip around is not proving to be easy.  I don't know what's up.   Back in March I did the fast track training plan to be prepared to run that 10k and I was actually prepared...ok maybe not prepared but I could run 6 miles!   My body accepted the added miles and all was good.

So fast forward to now.   My body is just not accepting the miles.  I'm struggling to get two measly miles done.   I can't even run those two measly miles.  Seriously!    My legs ache and it's just not pretty!  

Weight...this is probably the absolute highest weight that I have been while attempting to run.

Food....my food is still not under control, while I may be eating at least closer to my caloric goal, it's not healthy nutritious food much of the time. (smarties are nutritious right???)

Ankle.....my ankle still aches a bit....nuff said.

So somehow, someway I will power/struggle through the 5k next weekend. (Walk it??). And I have got to fix these known issues.

Rough week

Yes, I had to put my Lucy to sleep. 

I also got passed over for a job....again.

I did however go to Zumba 2 times and get three runs in.   My runs are brutal right now...the lack of consistent running and this extra weight is really doing a number on me!!!!!!

Ok....I can change this!!!  Consistency in running and lose the weight.

And surprise surprise. I find myself one week away from a 5k race and I am sooo not ready.  I'll be lucky at this point if I can do this run in less time than my longest 5k.   Why do I do this to myself? The plan right now is to get into 5k running shape. Because on the week of August 9 I have to start my 12 week training for my half marathon (which I need to register for....the Philadelphia rock and roll half!).   I have to be consistently doing 3-4 miles at the beginning of my training.    (And yes I may start slowly upping my mileage before hand if I can get there!!!!

Day two

I'm working on day two.  Day two of munching on Advil to try to alleviate the caffeine withdrawal headache.  Yes, I have been talking about cutting down on my Diet Soda habit for a while.  Notice I said 'cutting down'.  I did not say that I was quitting it totally.   I kept trying to 'cut down' but you know what?    That concept is so much more difficult to perfect.  I would 'cut down' until someone offered to go pick up fountain drinks for everyone at work.  I would 'cut down' until I sat down in a restaurant and the waiter would ask me what I wanted to drink.  I would 'cut down' until I was home and thirsty.   Ohhh, and I wouldn't really drink my water before hand...because I knew a Diet Soda was just around the corner of my life.

Years ago on one of my previous attempts (successful too...for quite some time) to give up soda, I didn't give it up totally.  I gave it up totally for a while to get past the slump of learning to live without. (aka withdrawal symptoms), but then I would treat myself in the evening by drinking a can of soda if and only if I had already drank more than the 100 ounces of water that I was drinking.   Normally eating out would have me ordering water.  But admittedly, there are some meals that I feel just NEEDS a diet pepsi. I'm sorry....pizza needs a soda. So my plan?   Make it a week or two and then be ok with a diet soda every once in a blue moon.  Not everyday.  Not even every week.  Every once in a blue moon.

I am proud of myself though.  Even with a headache from hell....or rather a headache from caffeine I still made it out the door and got in a 2.5 mile run.  It was slow and brutal.  It's gonna be slow and brutal because I have totally lacked any kind of discipline in running.  That HAS to change.  I have plans.....I have dreams...I have.  Oh heavens, I have a 5K coming up in 2.5 weeks.   Uhhhh yeah!  I did say 2.5 weeks.   I think this last minute training is NOT cool.  AT ALL.  Why do I do this to myself?  Really?   Oh well, no use trying to figure out why I have now done this for TWO races/runs.  It is what it is and I just have to get myself into running shape.....as much as possible.  At least this time I only have to prepare for a 3.1 mile run and not a 6.2 mile run.  ha ha ha    It won't be a fast run, but I will do it.   This same run in 2013 still stands as my PR that I strive to beat.  I had been running consistently....and my time showed it.   It's not a PR that is spectacular, but it is my number and I own it! (ironically, I think if my first 10K would have only been 3 miles I would have PR'd...ha ha ha.....why?  Because I had run utterly consistent and regimented for the months before that run.    Yes, I'm getting the idea....RUN.  Run regularly.  Run consistently.  Run diligently.  Just run!

So I don't know if I should be disgusted or somewhat proud. (Maybe the pride is from hanging around with my young nephew so much.....he would definitely be proud!).    So let me say that I never run with a tissue tucked in my pocket or anything like that.  A month or two ago I had a slight bloody nose while running (in the cold)  I thought about starting to run with a tissue tucked somewhere safe.  That never materialized.  And then I was out running today.  (And I apologize in advance for the next few sentences but hey...it was a bit traumatic and I must talk about it!  Therapy you know....)   I was running, and I could feel that I needed to blow my nose.  It kept getting worse.  LOTS worse.  I became fearful that if I breathed too heavily that a booger would dangle from my nostril. My left nostril if you are interested in really visualizing the complete picture.  I had no choice.  Really, none at all.  Don't be a hater......but I shot my first snot rocket.  Or maybe I should call it a booger bomb.  Yeah, that's disgusting....but I'm weirdly proud.  Yeah, I'm a loser.

A victory none the less

Ok, so today hasn’t been a stellar day of eating.  I had a piece of cake for breakfast.  Yeah yeah yeah…. You read that right.  A piece of cake!  It was my fault.  I got up early and did a few things and hadn’t eaten breakfast…so it’s 10AM and I was hungry!  So then the food fest just continued in high fashion as I left for work and was running late and hadn’t eaten lunch yet.  I stopped at Burger King.  Seriously?  I don’t even like fast food!  Can I say Burger King chicken sandwich….and onion rings.  And ohhhhh I don’t want to say it…….but I will.   I indulged in a chocolate milkshake.  Seriously?  I don’t even like fast food!

 

Ok, can’t look back.  Only forward.  The damage is done.   The food is however tracked.  (Holy cow…that large milkshake was 980 calories…ON IT’S OWN!....that doesn’t include the sandwich and onion rings! All 1900 calories for that ONE meal…and that is with a diet coke…..if I would have had a regular it would have been well over 2000 calories for one meal.  HOLY COY!)  But I’m tracked and accounted for.

 

I have been doing good with exercise.  I have been staying active and have kept moving.  I am however taking today off.   I weeded and mulched my parents flower beds for about 4 hours yesterday and then followed it up with a session of step zumba.  Today my back is tender and extremely sensitive.  I have learned the hard way to stop and rest the back when I can because pushing myself and letting it get worse is not a valid option. (Been there done that…..not being able to pull up your own pants is NOT fun!)

 

So while my eating hasn’t been spot on this week; I HAVE tracked and I will consider that a victory. I have also curbed some of the indiscriminate snacking whilst at work. (That is a  real killer!) Baby steps….

And just for fun........Cheryl (coworker) and I being goofy during a mandatory (boring) training at work.  

Moving Right Along

I saw this saying on Facebook today and I fell in love with it.

I think I made it perfectly clear the other day that I've been having emotional melt downs over the fates that I have been handed....the cards I've been dealt.  I am being forced to communicate with my ex....which is ok.  I don't want an enemy and if we can eventually end up friends, that's fine.  But right now I don't want to have to deal with it.  For goodness sake dude, let me heal some before you talk to me about your new girlfriend.  Let me move on a bit and recover.   But that is not the case.  He is a customer where I work....so I am confronted with him frequently and whether he is doing it on purpose or is just obtuse and doesn't realize it....it stings.    Last week the sting got to much.  I melted down and I didn't pick myself back up.  I ate away my troubles.  Of course the troubles didn't go away.    

So this week I am allowing my meltdowns....but I'm staying focused on where I am going......to THIN-VILLE!

I didn't eat perfectly today.  I did however track it all!   Yes, I had leftover pizza for breakfast!  Don't be a hater!  It was tasty!!! Hey, at least it was after I was out and completed a run!   And why yes, I did have a Reece's Cup at work....but it was at least shortly before I went to Step/Toning Zumba! 

Yes, calories tracked and I ran this morning (just shy of two miles) and I did zumba this evening.  Shazaam!  

I may also have forgotten my lunch at home and had to resort to eating at the local eating establishment (I work in a small town...the options are limited.....convenience store food!) 

Not a perfect day (needed more fruits and veggies) but all in all a pretty good day.  Because while I didn't eat perfectly.....I am in control and cognizant!

Got a bit emotional this afternoon.....but tamped it down.  Ok ok ok, I was emotional until I got to zumba and then I kinda forgot to be emotional as I stomped out the feelings.  So I didn't feed my emotions today!    I zumba'd my emotions!  YAY  Another victory!

And just because people keep telling me to just 'get over it' and to 'forget about it all' and 'he is showing his true colors"  this statement is for them.   And yes, I know it's because people don't know what to say to me as I deal with my heartbreak, loneliness and pain at having all of my dreams, hopes and love shattered. And I am glad for their support......TOTALLY glad.  But still...this is perfect and fits my mood during my meltdowns!

Sunburn City

Last Monday I took the day off from work.....yes, I stayed 'home' sick.  It was a mental health day.  My friend Paula and I went into DC for the day.   The Cherry Blossoms were in full bloom and they were absolutely gorgeous!!!!!!!!!   We walked well over 10 miles and it felt great!

UP close and personal with the Cherry Blossoms

  I did end up with a bit of a sunburn.....so I had to tell my co-workers that I was just feverish!  ha ha ha.  They laughed because they knew it was a day for me to get away and decompress.....or rather try to decompress.

The Weather was GORGEOUS!  Perfect day to hit up all sorts of the outdoor monuments.  We hit up The Vietnam Memorial, The Korean War Memorial, Lincoln Memorial, Haines Point, Washington Monument, The DC War Memorial, The Signers of the Declaration of Independence Memorial, And I am sure some more!

Paula and I

Cherry Blossoms and Moi

 I went back to work on Tuesday and it was just a rough week.  I'm not sure why my emotions were all over the place...but they were.  Just brutal.   And yes, I ate.  I ate like a pig.  GAH!  Why do I do it to myself??????

Friday I came to a conclusion.  I have to do something.  I'm miserable with my weight and I'm just not happy.  My inclination is to go back to Weight Watchers.  Seriously, the accountability, the meetings, the support worked for me before.  But I am tight on money (singlehood is rough on my paycheck).  I hate to spend the money.   SO I decided that I need to track my food.  I also need to actually work at it. If I am tracking and or lose (either/or) each week I will put money into my 'play fund account.....vacation money!)  This way the money is still staying with ME....and I have motivation.  If it doesn' work,  I start weight watchers!

Saturday came and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and my friend Paula got me up and moving.   This time we hiked up to Maryland Heights.  It's a gorgeous overlook.  Yes, overlook....which means walking up hill for an hour and twenty minutes!  I'm a big girl.  The last time I went up to Maryland Heights I was at my lowest weight and it was still a hard climb but not brutal.  My current weight.....BRUTAL!  But I did it!    I also tracked my food all day! (even though the hike up and back down the mountain netted me just under 2000 earned calories!)

Harpers Ferry down below!

We felt so awesome after our hike on Saturday that we decided to repeat it (with something a little less strenuous though!)   So we headed down to Great Falls, on the Potomac, Maryland side.  We hiked on the canal....and we went out to the falls.  The lack of mountains didn't net us as many calories, but it did earn me 1000 calories. 

Potomac River behind and below me (probably 50 feet below where I was standing)

A gorge where the water was rushing through

I may or may not have a another sunburn upon my return to work.  

I am in the process of rebuilding my life.  It hit me today.  I need to make it an active lifestyle.  I don't want my new lifestyle sitting on a couch.  I want to be up and moving!!!!!

I want it to be a THIN lifestyle!

I don' know how the emotions will play out this upcoming week...but I can hope that they are more calm!!!

So day two of my eating has been tracked.   I haven't eaten the 'best'   I did have Sweet Frog Yogurt after the Mountain yesterday.  (Hey, it was hot!...and I got lowfat and piled on the fresh strawberries!).   I also went out last night and had pizza.  HA HA HA  Today I did have a piece of cheesecake for our late lunch.....so late that dinner didn't happen. (I called the cheesecake the dinner).   Even with those things I didn't eat even half of my exercise calories.  And I feel satisfied!

So here I go!

Excuses

Today would have been my 13th wedding anniversary.  

My ex made sure I knew he was going away for a few days with his new girlfriend.  (All dressed up in clothes he wouldn't wear for me because they were uncomfortable....)

I've eaten a crapload of food today.   

Think there is a correlation?  

You know, I don't want the loser (I have more colorful names for him too) back.  But I mourn the loss of dreams.  I mourn the loss of what was supposed to be.  I mourn the sadness.   

So I'm allowing myself the candy. (And cookie, and the banana split flurry....)  Today.  But this has to end.  He is not worth eating myself back up to an astronomical weight!!!!!!