Change of heart

Whew....Sunday already. Where does the weekend go. I swore to myself that yesterday that I would get home from work and get on my bike. I promised myself. I got home and curled up on the couch and did absolutely nothing all day. I'm just struggling with motivation not only for exercise...but for life in general. ARRGGGHHH

So today I woke up and I knew that I HAD to ride. I was hoping for a 10 miler...but I decided to settle for at least 5 miles. I got out there on my bike. 1 mile in and I had to stop to fix my toboggan that was under my bike helmet. I literally thought I was going to hurl! I rode in my smallest gear and it was brutal! Absolutely brutal! I made it exactly 6 miles. I got back and I was lightheaded and barely made it to the couch where I collapsed and laid for a while.....knowing that if sat up I would very well pass out!

So here is my plan. I am 6 weeks away from GWG.(Girls with Gears bike event) I did 6 miles today. If I can ride any outside this week, I will (schedule and sunlight as well as weather being the deciding factor). But I am going to focus on riding the exercise bike to help get myself back in shape. (and maybe pick back up on my mileage challenge...although I have so much to make up, I’m not sure it's possible...haa haa haa) Here are my goals.

The week of March 7th - 5 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of March 14th- 10 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of March 21st- 15 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of March 28th- 15 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of April 4th- 20 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of April 11th -20 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
GWG April 18th

I hope to surpass these goals. If I can make it to a certain mileage ride BEFORE my goal...hot diggity. But Looking at this, I feel it's doable. And I know that last year I had only done about a 21 mile ride on the road before GWG.

I have to say, this morning before I rode I was thinking emailing my friend and trying to back out of GWG....and offer to still do something with them that weekend, but skip the ride. But I went out to ride and as badly as I did, I remembered how good it felt last year when I was able to ride without feeling like I was going to vomit off the side of my bike or come so close to passing out when I got off my bike that I literally had to lay prone for a half hour until my heart rate returned to normal. As sad as my ride today makes me feel....I know that there is hope. I got to thinking about how many weeks I have left and if I can do a 6 mile ride now (I did it.....I did not stop...I did not walk a hill, I went mighty slow and it like near killed me...but I DID IT!) then if within a week I can do a 10. And if I can do a 10 then, then I'm sure I can increase that to 15 in another weeks time...and so on and so forth! I can do this!!!!!!!

I had my splurge meal last night. We had been craving Hot Taco dip. I used baked tostitos...and I did as much low fat items as I could find. but still a bit high. I used to do that 'comfort food/splurge' meal once a week, right after my weigh in. I stopped....or if I did have it, I would make another one the next night. No more. We had it once...no more until a week has passed. I've got 9 points for lunch. Mom and dad are coming to pick me up. I'm not sure what we are going to do this afternoon...run around...mosey around and just see what we can see. So I'll probably end up going out to lunch with them somewhere. 9 points though is all I have (and yes, I've already calculated dinner into the mix).

Really trying

The "mertz-ter", originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ohhh to live the happy go luck existence of Lil' Mertz.

I have switched my weight watcher meeting to Saturday mornings. Why? One, so I can go back to the weight watcher center that I like. Secondly, it's in the morning...EARLY. It will be time I cut out of my sleep and not taken away from any other responsibilities. On the weeks that I work Saturday mornings, it will be tight. I'll have to leave the meeting and fly like the wind back to Sharpsburg, but I think it will be worth it. And thirdly, and possibly most important. A friend (Hi Sherry) and I are goign to go to that one together.....and help with the accounability thing. So i went this past week and faced the music.

Saturday I did really good. Yesterday just was crazy. I was on the go..and running literally from the moment I woke up. I ate out twice...and I'm sad to say that I had french fries in the evening (at lunch I got a salad to go with my sandwich). Oh yeah, I indulged an got an amaretto sour tooo. So liquor on top of it all. (it did taste mighty fine).

Tired of sabotaging my efforts. I can clearly see that I lost the weight to try to fix some problems in my life. I lost the weight and those problems didn't go away. And I was forced to face the facts that the problems were not my weight....and without the weight I no longer had an excuse.....and I think that my will to keep the weight off was damaged. Without really thinking about it, I gained and didn't care what I ate.....because if I gained, I could once again blame my weight. No more. The weight has to go FOR ME! And these problems......they are not mine to correct. I am just an innocent victim.

I'm determined to get my butt back into exercise. I'm strugglign with the will power to do so. But I've GOT to!

Grocery day

Grocery day, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, I have had a small victory. Yesterday morning I left for work at 7:30. I grabbed a banana for my lunch so that I could leave work and head straight off to my errands. All was good. I hit up store after store. And then I made it to the grocery store. I was getting hungry. I smelled the bakery and donuts as soon as I walked into the store. I steadfastly ignored the bakery department. I did my shopping and then had some difficulty finding the pumpernickle bread that TOdd requested. Taking a deep breath, I headed toward the bakery. Success! I found the bread. I picked it up and was ready to head out of there as fast as the wheels on the cart would turn. And then I noticed that the bread was not sliced. I made my way to the counter. I stood over chocolate eclairs, individual slices of cake and other scrumptious looking goodies while the worker sliced the loaf of bread. I stood next to the absolutely delicious smelling and looking doughnuts. My mouth was salivating. As I pushed my cart out of the bakery area, my steps slowed. I was so close to those doughnuts. I was right there. I could get one and eat it in the car before I was even out of Hagerstown! I stopped the cart. I looked at the doughnuts, thinking about which one (I was determined to keep it at one) I would get. Suddenly I shook my head and started to push the cart out of that area....without my doughnut. You see, the last few weeks I've let my sadness and depression rule my eating. I've eaten what I wanted to always thinking that "I'll start tomorrow". Tomorrow would never come if I kept that thinking. So I started at that moment. I will admit that I went home and broke into a 100 calorie pack of soft and chewy chocolate chip cookies....and I had another banana. But I think in the grand scheme of things a 100 calorie snack pack and a banana was a whole lot better than that doughnut (or two...or three....or whereever I would have stopped).

update

I haven't totally given up. My great big head of the emotional eating monster has hit. I'm trying to maintain some control....not that it's working. I have gotten to the gym a few times thus far this week. So I'm trying.

I haven't given up on writing here, I am just struggling with my effort to put one foot in front of the other and make it through each day, writing here is just, well.....it takes energy that I don't have.

I can only hope and pray that all this somehow rights itself and life returns to some semblance of normalcy and happiness.

The existence of ignorance

Icicles, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Well, we are slowly starting to get back to a more normal routine here. However, yesterday about an hour or so before I was to leave work and go home, I got a frantic call from my husband telling me that my car could "PROBABLY" make it home. We both have cars...Hondas. They do great in the snow...but deep snow is a no go. The problem. Our back road is experiencing some massive drifting. He said that he only got home by the good graces of other people on the road that helped him by pushing him out and helping to clear the road ahead of him. And he was involved in a tiny fender bender. So tiny that he was not injured nor was the car damaged. So I had a friend and her husband pick me up in their four wheel drive. We ended up going out to dinner with them. (I think we all needed to get out!) The problem? The restaurant messed up my meal. I got it for free......AND they gave me a free dessert. Uhhhhhhhhh do you really even have to ask? Free dessert! of course I ate it! haa haa haa So my attempt to get started back with eating healthy was a bit of a bomb!

Part of me sometimes wonders if I'd be happier by just accepting that I"m overweight and to stop trying. I honestly don't think so...I've had the taste of what thin feels like and I want it.....but I can't help thinking about how it would be so nice to go back to the existence of ignorance! that beauty of not having to think about what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising. Just enjoying food for what it is....tasty. Innocence!

ARRGGGHHH

I never thought I would say this, but I'm ready for the snow to stop! I usually love snow, but seriously...enough is enough!

I can't deny, the snow is pretty. I love to watch the birds just flock to our yard to eat. But come on now.....This weekend was 26 inches and we hadn't cleaned up totally from that yet and yet now we've got at least another foot out there! And they are calling for more in a few days! This has got to be a sick joke!!!

I've done better today with eating. Still not the best. But considering I've been pretty much housebound all day long....not too bad. (I did get some shoveling in, small wonder!)



Yes, I tell you the birds are here! It's the gathering place!

So being home has been good. I've got everything cleared up with the insurance company. A check should be arriving in the mail within a week. Insurance company? Did I fail to mention it? The last snow storm....the weekend snow we had a slight problem.



Yes, the roof collapsed on our one shed! Luckily not much was in that shed....but the shed is most definitely dead!

emotional eating alert

Ok, let me lay it out there. Yes, I worked outside and did TONS of manual labor this week with our scads of snow. But, my eating wasn't the greatest. I was doing ok...but then it just went to pot and righ tnow I don't give a darn!

I know a lot of it has to do with some stress that I'm under. Without saying too much, today I made a decision and did something that hopefully turns out to be totally un-needed but very well could be the first step to a very long difficult journey. I'm not handling the stress well. I came home and immediately got in the fridge and ate something. Todd and I went out to dinner and I ate. I came home and I topped it all off with two muffins. So not good and while I'm sick at heart for doing it to myself....right now I just can't make myself care.

I started my day out right with a nice protein laden meal. We had Baked Egg Cups



So why did I need a good nutritous breakfast? Well, let me tell you!



Yes, snow! Lots of snow. At 9 this morning we were at about 18-19 inches. And let me tell you...it's still coming down at close to an inch an hour..supposed to go through the evening....8PM apparently. Ohhh, so that still doesn't explain why I needed a nutritious breakfast? Well, all that snow needs to be moved!!! I worked outside this morning for a couple hours. Let me tell you! I'm going to count moving that HEAVY (yes, it's a really wet snow) as an upper body strength workout! Yikes, am I ever sore!

After working outside for a few hours, I came inside and low and behold it was time to make lunch! I made Taco soup. and cornbread.



Now here I am warming up and relaxing. Todd and I are planning on going out to walk down the road for a bit this afternoon. All good fun!

It's snowing!

Weeee....it's starting to snow!!!! It's not really laying on the roads or sidewalks yet.

I didn't make too much progress on my yearly goals last week. I did ride 57.5 miles. So I at least didn't fall too far behind. However, I did not make up any miles! I loooked this morning and I am actually 43 miles behind schedule. (that's not calculating in my two week grace that I built into my schedule.....I'm planning on riding 60 miles a week for the year....but my grand total of miles I want to hit is 3000 miles...which is actually only 50 weeks of 60 miles)

Weight....I actually didn't make it to a meeting...we were in the throes of a snow storm and the roads were hideous at that point (WV doesn't do anything to their roads so I didn't want to even go across the river). But I will say that it was looking like a gain on tuesday. I will also say that since then I've recouped that gain and it looks like I've dropped some so I may be able to show a loss at this upcoming weigh in.

Strength training.....nope. Well, does it count that we had two snow storms (only 5-6 inches each time...) but I did shovel both times!!!

New recipes.....I made an Irish Potato Casserole It was a bit fattening, but it was quite tasty!

So all was not a total loss.

This week my biggest challenge will be a snowed in weekend. I tend to want to go to the kitchen and bake!!!

1. Keep my eating under control at ALL times, even through the weekend. No excuses about "I shovelled for hours so I can eat like a starving pig"
2. Get my 60 miles in and hopefully cut down my 40 mile deficit.

And those are my goals for the week!

Ready for the snow

Mondell Road, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

From what they are saying, it's not a question of if we are getting a snow. It's a definite. The last I heard, they were saying at least 2 feet of snow. Sooo my house is stocked with food. Yes, it was stocked before, but I'm double stocked now!!! Ok, I'm not one of these to go shopping because a snow is coming. This weekend is my normal shopping trip weekend (I grocery shop every two weeks).

I've been lax the last few days with my riding. I only need 7-8 miles though to reach my weekly goal. I have tonight...so I plan on riding to get at least that!!!

My weight is dropping! Today I was very pleased to see my weight! WOO HOOO! I've been very good with my eating. So while my exercise went lax, my eating got under control. It's almost as if i'm on a see-saw and one is up and one is down. I need balance!

Another snowy mornng

Tree, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

So, even though I was awake and moving at...well before dawn, I didn't get a ride in on the exercise bike. Why, you ask? Well, I woke up at 5:30, fed the cats and then headed outside to shovel the driveway and clean off my car. I came in and hopped in a nice hot shower and got ready to work and I was out the door by 7:30. So I did get some exercise in.

The scales showed me down a pound on the scales this morning. Other than that, I've got not much to say today. I'm focused on well, just getting by.

Stock-piling

Just a little food porn to start the day off right. This is Irish Potato casserole.
It was so scrumptiously delicious!

So, I got to thinking last night. I was walking through the house and stopped to admire the storage of food.


It made me start to think. Why do I have a complex about having stored food. Now, of course the home canned foods are simply because we grow our own foods and thus I can a lot of food for the winter months. But my pantry is just jammed with purchased foods. I've never gone hungry in my life. There is no reason for me to have any fear of being hungry. Yet I stock pile food. I just really doesn't make sense!

A change is in the air

I woke up this morning determined to put a stop to my eating. I do not need to eat to medicate my feelings. I do not need to eat for anything other than to sustain life. Yeah yeah yeah, easier said than done. But I just had a week of eating whatever my mood struck me to eat....and I don't need to do it again. Surprisingly, my weight is only up by a pound or two. That's a pound or two too many, but it could have been a whole lot worse!

Read a post this morning....the last paragraph really hit home to me. I am trying so hard to get back on track with my eating. This is no easy task as I have built up bad habits AGAIN that compromise my journey. But all in the same, this is still part of my journey. I am not afraid of these bad habits, I know how the change them, but it is not easy for sure. So to that I also say I am all done. Done doing that stuff. Done not treating myself kindly. Done with unhealthy living. I say yes today to treating myself with love and respect and health

I could have written that last paragraph! It pretty much sums it up!

Update:

*I went to the gym and had a really good cardio workout! My mileage is flyign by this week. I'm three days into my week (starting on Fridays as that was teh first day of the the year) and I've alrady got 45 miles down!!!!

*My food has been entered onto E-tools (I keep track of my foods on e-tools). Interesting thing to note.....when you go through all of your weekly points and go into the negative, it turns bright red. A bright red warning! I was able to update my activity points and it brought me back into the positive....but it's all entered!

Well, let me look at the last week of eating. Total debauchery! That's all I can say! I've been over my points. I've not chosen wisely. I've just been all off! The only thing that I've had going? Exercise. I've been on top of it with my exercise. Oh why oh why can I not get both things under control at the same time????

Emotional eating. I know that much of my poor eating choices this week have come purely from emotions. I know it. I'm trying to figure things out....get those emotions under control so to speak. I keep telling myself that there are few things in life that you have sole control of....and weight is one of...so take control! But for some reason that message just isn't getting to my brain.

So, as of today I'm back to journalling every bite I eat. I was doing it...and did do it through thursday. And then it all went to pot. In fact, I plan on going back and filling in my journal with the last two days of eating!!!! It's not gonna be pretty (when I stopped I only had 7 weekly extra points....I'm sure I'm WAY in the hole now!) But I will face up to my eating!!!

4 down....lots to go

Goals.....I did ok this week. exercise and recipes I rocked! The other two....well, lets just say better luck next week.

Mileage: I completed above and beyond my 60 mile mark for this week. (just above...but I did it). I'm still behind by 35 miles or so....but I'm on a roll and I'm going to make that up soon!

Strength training: Nada

Recipes: I tried three new recipes.
** Sweet and Spicy Wings which turned out quite tasty!
**Baked Mozzarella sticks.....I've missed cheese sticks as an appetizer, so I was super excited about these!
** Cake balls. Not at all healthy...in fact, step away from the computer...they are delicious, but highly fattening!

Weigh: Well when my official weigh in day came, my home scales showed a loss...the weight watcher meeting (not my normal) that I attended showed a gain. Go figure.


Last weeks goals:
Water consumption- I did ok, except for one day
Healthy foods-I struggled with some of my choices this week. After the first two days of my weight watchers week I looked at my counter and realized that I only have 8 flex points left for the week. YIKES! I ate that much extra food in TWO days!
Exercise-I made my 60 miles...with about 3 miles to spare! So I didn't cut deeply into the deficit, but I didn't go in the hole any further!

So for this week. Basically more of the same
1. water consumption
2. Healthy foods
3. Eradicate the mileage deficit that I have!!!

Oh the weather outside is.....blah

I know that the lack or bright sunshine has really affected my mental outlook. It's dark and dreary most of the time. Yeah, the sun is out today....but it's not a brilliant warm filled with goodness sun that just drives away the blahs.

I as doing some serious thinking in the shower this morning (isn't it the best place to think?) and I as thinking about how things in my world seem to be spiraling out of control...and I reminded myself that there is one thing that only I am in control of and that is my eating and exercise. I need to take control and maintain a consistent control! And quite honestly, regaining a long lasting control and getting my weight under control will help my confidence and all that jazz...which will also help other areas of my life!

I woke up this morning and knocked out 1 hour of exercise on the stationary bike. I looked at my mileage for the week (today is the last day of week four). I've got just about 3 miles to complete in order to complete the mileage for this week. So I figure I can jump on the bike for as little as 15 minutes when I get off work and I'll have it done! I didn't make up any miles this week (well, if I ride for more than the 3 miles tonight I'll make up a mile or two) but I as long as I ride tonight, I will not have lost any!!!

We went to dinner last night. Whew...in the last two days I've pretty much blown my flex points for the week. (most of them at least. haa haa haa). I stepped onto the scales this morning. I'm holding steady at pretty much where I've been the last few weeks. Surprising though! I do know that I'm retaining some water (my rings are SOOO tight this morning!)

Recap

I still don't really know why I felt compelled to write the last post....I guess it was just for me. To finally say out loud in one sitting just a bit of my experience. I have friends and family that still have never heard some of it, and how bad it really was. My husband was dating me at the time though....and if a guy can stand beside you during a time like that....he's a keeper. :-)

I guess there are a couple things

1. Failure. I believe that the fear of failure keeps me 'down.' (I'm petrified of failure since my experience) I know that when I had reached my doctor approved weight I started to self sabotage my weight loss and weight maintain (I was actually still trying to lose as I was at the upper limit of where he wanted me). Why? Fear of the unknown? Fear of failure? I had stalled with my weight loss. Stalled at 180. I went to the doctor and he told me that he wanted me between 160 and 180...so he was happy where I was. I wanted to lose more....I "tried" but I never really gave it my all. Why? Because I was afraid of failing at something, again. If I never tried to push forward, I wouldn't be failing. And my doctor gave me an out. I was within his goal weight' prescription. I need to stop worrying about failure...because to worry about it is only going to cause me to stop doing something, which is failure in itself. I heard a quote once that struck a chord. "The biggest failure is to never try". I've set up my mileage goal for this year. Honestly, I'm behind in my riding. I am so tempted to give it up, because if I give it up I'm not failing right? But I'm determined to see this through to the end AND succeed!

2. I'm sick of being a victim of obesity. I know that there have been opportunities that I have either lost because of my weight or that I have let slip by because of how my weight makes me feel on the inside. I do believe that there have been job opportunities that I have been passed over simply because I was an obese person and this employer wanted to portray a certain image...and a fat girl just wasn't it. But I will be honest with myself and say that I'm sure that my mental view of myself has at times seeped to the surface becoming visible for all those around me to see. Negative self thoughts, while we think that they are buried deep within us are in reality on display each and every day simply in the way we act, dress, talk and live our daily lives. I read on someones blog (so sorry, can't remember whom) that this person was going to take 15 minutes each day to pamper themselves. How profound!

3. I need to stop caring what a few nincompoops said to me and about me, especially those things that I have no control over. Who cares. If I like me, and my husband likes me and my family likes me and friends...well you get the point. Who cares. Live my life for ME and don't worry about those things that can not be changed! And remember that I was wonderfully made by the greatest creator!

4.Well, I'm just going to beat the hell out of this weight...make myself healthy mentally, emotionally and physicallY!


That said, I got emotional this morning and left it affect my eating at lunch. ARRGGGHHH And then of course I got ticked off at myself for doing it...what a viscious cycle! I did however ride for 35 minutes this morning!

'Tis a lot of baggage

A deep look at things that have been terribly emotional....I'll get to my weigh in later in the post...I promise! I know it's a bit long....but it's something that I think I need to write for me. So if you read it, I will feel honored....if you don't no skin off my back.

I was talking to a friend last night about what we would do differently with/in our lives if given a second chance. My biggie....I would have stopped being apathetic about my weight years...decades actually earlier and lost the weight. I feel that my excess weight has had a hand in most major decisions of my life. I know in friendships and jobs it has. Maybe not because of the actual weight, but from the baggage that I carry internally because of the weight. With how the weight has made me feel. So with this conversation in my mind coupled with the knowledge that I really need to find another job, I started to think......

I knew two things as I was growing up. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted to be a teacher. I had the most loved and well cared for baby dolls while playing house. And those dolls were highly educated as when I wasn't playing house, I was playing school and teaching them. So it was with no deliberation at all on my part nor any surprise to my family when I declared myself as an elementary education major in college (actually before I even took my first college class I had declared my major). I was full of ideas and promise for my future as a teacher. I graduated from college, with honors and my future looked bright. I moved home from college and commenced with the job search and got no-where. Why didn't I get a job? I don't rightly know. I know that after I had subbed a few years, I was actually told that my record as a substitute teacher was actually hurting me. Not because I was doing a poor job, but because I was actually doing too good of a job. I was told that a good sub is hard to find so when they have one that can keep a class under control and actually still teach them something AND one that is reliable that they don't want to hire them for a full time position because that leaves a hole in their substitute ranks. I was told over and over that I was 'a good one'. I was in high demand. After the first year (half year actually) I worked EVERY day of the school year. From the very first day to the bitter end. I did it all. But yet I wasn't hired full time. Could it have been because I was to valuable as a sub or could it have been my weight compressing me to the point that I had made myself un-employable simply because how my weight was making me feel was showing on the outside? I don't know. But the end result was that I couldn't buy, beg or steal a teaching job locally.

A few years after I graduated from college I applied for a teaching position in a county that was known for it's low socio-economic areas. It was a whim, I didn't expect anything to come of it. But the fire to teach was still burning deeply inside of me. So it was with much surprise when I came home one evening in late July and picked up my mail. There was an envelope from the school system that I had applied to. I laughingly told Todd (who was at my house for the evening...as we were dating at the time) "oh look, another rejection letter." Only it wasn't a rejection letter. It was actually a teaching contract....with the board of Ed's appropriate signatures already affixed at the bottom. The only thing left was my signature. I hadn't interviewed! I hadn't even talked to the school system. I had simply sent my resume and references to them. They hired me site unseen! That should have been my first clue. But that fire to teach was burning, so I went to the 'interview' process. It was not a normal interview in that the administrators were asking "MaryFran, what are your qualifications." It was a room full of administrators begging the applicants (who from what I gathered had all received signed contracts in the mail.....similar to my story) to accept the position/assignment at their school! I think of it as the human/teacher meat-market. Clue number two.......this is not a normal practice,but I went ahead with it and signed the contract and moved....all within 2 weeks. I was officially a 4th grade teacher.

The first month or two of the school year were fabulous. The students were responding to me, I was in my glory. There were some issues though. Supplies. Every time I asked for something....even something as simple as a stapler, I was told that they were working on getting it for me...although in retrospect they never arrived. So I ended up going out and buying my own supplies. The other major issue those first two months? I had no teachers manuals. Yes, you read that correctly. I had none! (didn't get them until the beginning of January). These things were just a minor annoyance though. I was capable of developing lesson plans without the teachers manuals. It just took a bit more time. The supplies....it really didn't get to me, I had waited so long to teach that I didn't care. Nothing I ever did was good enough for the administrators. I wrote on the chalkboard to large.....the next day it was to small. I would actually measure other teachers chalkboard writing and compare it to mine....it would be exactly the same, but mine was never good enough. One administrator told me that my voice was a problem...it grated against her senses. (no-one ever told me that before...in fact when I worked in a call center, I frequently got compliments on my voice). It was just anything and everything, attacking me in any way that they could. I can see it looking back, but when it was happening it was utterly confusing and devastating to be told that you were the worlds worst teacher and person.

After about a month or two though, I started noticing a shift in the students behavior. It was subtle at first with the class being a bit more unruly. But it escalated. It wasn't until I was picking my class up from one of their specials that I figured out the problem. I was being undermined by the administration. I stood outside of the door and heard an administrator saying, "These little notebooks are for you to keep in your desk. We want you to write down everything that Miss Clingan does so that we can find a reason to fire her because we don't want a white person in our school." My students very quickly realized that they could do ANYTHING in my room and there would be no repercussions. It quickly became sheer bedlam! There was no support from the admin staff. I had a student threaten to "bring my dad's gun to school so I can shoot you". The admin refused to do anything or even put it on the records "He's a young black man...if we put that on his records he has no chance in society" What about me? If I'm dead I have no chance either, I wanted to scream! I broke up a fight in my classroom at one point. The students were not reprimanded (remember very low socio-economic area...the parents were young and really didn't care either) and when I talked to my vice-principal about the injury I sustained while breaking up the fight I was told that he was not going to fill out or sign the paperwork because it was my fault that there was a fight in the first place. The injury? Muscle problems in my back. Yeah, the same problem I STILL struggle with today, ten years later.

I remember sobbing at one point over the Christmas break because the situation was so awful. In January, it got worse. My health was being affected. I spent some time in the ER because I couldn't breathe or swallow without pain....they couldn't find any cause...other than stress. Finally, one day (it was a Friday) I was on the beltway driving home and I saw a dump truck and my first thought was "if I swerve in front of it I would die and that would end this misery". NOT cool. So very not cool. But it made it startingly clear that something had to change, and quickly. By the following Monday, I had written my letter of resignation, made up a week (maybe two, I can't remember) of lesson plans for the substitute, cleaned out my personal belongings from my room and I was done with teaching.

The union jumped on the case hot and heavy after I left (wasn't much they could do earlier..even though I had been in contact with them). Turns out it was well documented to keep certain students separated....I had three of these documented pairings in the same room. (the only three on file for that grade level.) I had 36 students....I was supposed to have an aide....no one EVER walked into my room to assist...or help....or even give advice. The union started a lawsuit, but within a month or two , I put a stop to it. My mental health was much more important and continually talking about it every time they had questions was not allowing me to heal.

The experience left me with some huge emotional scars.
*It's been 10 years...but as I've written this today I've had to stop at least once each paragraph to look away and calm myself down. You see, the breathing swallowing difficulty comes right back, even after 10 years. People always say, try teaching somewhere else. But come on now....if after 10 years I still struggle with stress related physical difficulties I think that's our answer. After 10 years I will no longer say NEVER teach. But I think I can still safely say NEVER teach in a public school setting.
* I have felt like a failure. All I ever wanted to do was be a teacher, and I failed. (I struggle with saying, through no fault of my own, but I didn't have any control over the situation).
*I have allowed all those comments about my personality and even my personal and physical traits (things that I have no control over) to affect how I have felt about myself. My first mistake was believing them....my second mistake was taking them to heart!

I can't blame my weight all on this situation, but I will say when I left teaching I weighed 210 pounds....somehow I ballooned up to 300 within 2 years. But I can look back and I can see how my weight and the baggage that I have carried because of my weight has affected the decisions that I've made that brought me to that point and even further. I can also see how the situation has totally affected my weight. The situation made me feel worthless and unworthy of anything. To lose weight and be healthy you have to feel like you are worth the effort, for months I was continually told me that I was not worth it.

I don't know what writing this post will do. I know that writing this and even somewhat 'grudgingly' (because I still struggle with saying that I was innocent) admitting that I was an innocent party in this saga is not going to make it better over night. But I hope that by actually admitting it that I can move forward. While I desperately need to find another job...one that isn't so mind-numbingly boring and just...well......brain dead I know that it will not be in the public school system (so don't even bring it up in a conversation) but what does a person with a degree in Education do? hmmmmm

I'm worth it! All the stuff that they spouted at me for those months I need to take at face value....which means I need to pitch it ALL out the door.

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I went to a weight watchers center other than the one that I normally go to last night. I was happy to go because according to my home scales I was showing a 1.2 pound loss. My home scales have always been dead on with the weight watcher scales so I was looking forward to the weigh in. A loss is a loss. So imagine my surprise when I get off the scale and look at the paperwork. They showed me a 1.6 pound GAIN! So that's 2.8 pounds different from my home scale. My only consolation and hope is that I was on a different scale.....maybe the scales at this center were off. Hmmmm. Not sure! Oh well, nothing to do other than plod onward!

Already hit the bike for 30 minutes this morning. I plan on riding more tonight during TBL, so I'll be doing good for today!

Bits of nothing

Yesterday was a good day with my eating and exercise. I got 1.5 hours of cardio in. (sadly no strength training) and I stayed within my points allotment for the day. Most of those points were also healthy! I did eat the heck out of the strawberries! I love love love strawberries!


After beautiful weather on Saturday and pretty decent (a bit drizzly) weather on Sunday, I was saddened this morning when I awoke to.....POURING rain. A literal deluge of water descending from the sky. I had to drive to work in it...there was water pooled in places I've NEVER seen water pooled! It just makes me long for summer even more!!!