Lessons and reinforcement

This past weekend I had to confront my slow running pace.  I know I'm slow as a turtle in peanut butter.  I accept that.  However I obsess about it!   I worry about it and I downplay my running because of it.   

This past weekend I had to confront the very real possibility that out of the 68 participants in this small 10k that I could very well be last.  I won't lie.  Part of me wanted to walk away and not even try.   I didn't!   I decided to run this and if I came in last across that line I would cross it victorius!!!     Victorious in the fact that this former 315 pound girl could actually run (jog?) for 6.2 continuous miles!  I'm doing it and not many people can!!!

I faced my fear and I won!    

And then on Monday I got another reaffirmation.   Early this year I decided to participate in a running challenge.  I agreed and committed to run a virtual 5k each month.  The organizer has drawings each month from finishers.  I didn't do it for that though.  I did it for the challenge!   There was one month where I had to sit back and walk my 5k.  I felt like a loser.  I had wanted to run it and it just wasn't happening.   I have run every other month though.  Ironically enough the month that I walked it...my slowest 5k of this challenge I won the drawing.   I even made a comment to the organizer about how I felt guilty because I didn't even run it.  She immediately wrote back that it didn't matter how fast or how slow I did it in, I DID it.   She and I talked a bit about my prize...a hand painted mini canvas.  I got to chose the subject.  I saw it on fb while she was working on it, But it didn't arrive until yesterday.  How perfect after my struggle this past weekend.   Thank you!!!!   I'm on my phone writing this so I can't post an actual link to her page but here is her address!!!   http://thefitadventure.blogspot.com

This painting will be my reminder that as long as I'm doing my best I am a winner.

And of course a picture of my painting!!!  I put a grape beside them to show  how adorably tiny this is...and so you can appreciate the details in the painting!!   

Thank you Kyra for hosting this challenge and for having a part of my awakening!!!  :-)

I forgot to announce my progress.   I had vowed to lose 10 pounds before my 10k (5 weeks).    I lost 5 pounds.   Not what I vowed but victorious none-the-less!!!

I am still consumed with thoughts about stuff that's happening in my life.   I know that I have some major decisions to make in my life.  I know it.   I know that I have to make changes.  I'm just waiting for some kind of divine intervention (hahahaha) to direct me upon the path I need to take.  I pray for courage, knowledge and direction to make a course correction in my life. 

And I will leave you with a picture of Paula and I running on Sunday.  Maybe it was the lucky green underwear she was wearing that got us through this race in fine form!!!  She's smiling I look utterly focused and intense!!!!  (Green underwear I tell ya!!).  This was at about mile 4.5 in the run.  And yes, my legs do look fantastic if I do say so myself!!!

Leesburg 10K

This was my big weekend. Why yes, it was the weekend that I had my 10k.  My longest run to date and the longest (by double) race I've ever run in.  I had been absolutely religious about my training.  Until a week ago that is.  And then I fell off the rails.  I only ran once in the last week and a half.  It was a four miler, but only once.  Uhhhhhh....why does this seem to happen to me each time.

I was nervous about certain things.  I am always afraid that I'm going to be last across the finish line.  Huge fear of mine. (stupid I'm sure)   But regardless I packed for my short trip with my friend Paula and we headed out yesterday at about noon.   We made the trip to Leesburg, VA in fine time.  The first stop was the store where they were holding packet pick up.  We picked up our bags and perused the store.  Stop one complete we headed to the outlets in Leesburg.  A few hours of shopping later. (I bought new lids for some of my damaged and old Pyrex storage containers.....and otherwise I was a window shopper).  We did find a perfect bag.....we didn't buy just posed for a picture with it.

 We hit up a local park for a nice little walk.  We lounged a bit in our hotel and we had dinner.  Let e add that I had breakfast and a diet coke with breakfast and we had dinner really late at about 8:30 and I had a diet soda with dinner.  Dinner I was so hungry that when I started to eat I gobbled my food and my stomach started to hurt so I only ate half my meal.  That was ALL I ate and drank the whole day on Saturday.  Yes, I know....not exactly the healthiest and wisest food and drinking choices.

Sunday morning we were up bright and early.  It was COLD outside.  Brrrr.   We got ready to roll.   I typically run on an empty stomach (ha ha ha...once again probably not the wisest but hey, it's what has worked for me).   So we headed out. 

The run was VERY small.  Only about 50 people or so.   I decided to not worry about being the last person.  Who else can say that they once weighed over 300 pounds and are now running a 10K???   And doing it on arthritic knees and a few other feet issues???  

 We started to run and I kept my pace steady.   I have been consistently running a 13:00 to a 13:40 mile pace. I knew if I stayed at that (slow) that I could finish it no problem.   I ran where I felt comfortable...or rather edgy comfortable.  It went well.  It was an out and back route, so at the turn around I grabbed a water and walked for maybe a minute and then picked back up running.  (my stats showed that I lost about a minute on that mile from what I was running so that's why I assume I walked about a minute.)  I was fine...getting tired but fine.  (And admittedly I saw I wasn't last....and I even passed a few people on the return trip! My fear of being last vanished and by that time I had decided I DIDN'T CARE Anyway!)   And then about midway through mile six I began to struggle.  Oh yes, I struggled.  I started to get physically ill.  My stomach and head started to hurt.  My legs felt like they were so heavy that I couldn't even pull them up to walk.  It was BAD.  At about mile 5.70 I waved Paula on (so as to not ruin her run) and I began to walk.   

And then a lady, a skirt wearing lady came up beside me...literally less then 10 paces after I started walking and she looked at me and said "You've got this, the finish line is just ahead."    She ran on and before she was even 3 feet in front of me I knew that she was right.  I felt like dog doo but I knew that I could do it.   I started running.  I stayed on her tail the rest of the way in.  

I can't find the official times posted yet..it was not a chipped run (go figure....it was a small small run...maybe 50 people doing the 10k...if that).  Luckily since Paula had gone on ahead she was able to grab a pic. Yes, that is me in the glaring sun but I have my time!  Slow but you know what?  Who the heck cares!

So I got across the finish line and I had something important to do.  I had to talk to the skirted lady.  I needed to tell her what her words meant to me.  I found her easily (remember she was only a bit ahead of me....although she pulled further ahead in the last 100 feet or so).  I told her that her words are what pushed me to run. I told her that I had decided to just walk the rest of it and call it a good deal, but her words gave me the courage and spunk to run the rest of the way.   Her face glowed when I told her and then she turned to me and said "Thanks is due to you too though"   I looked at her and she giggled a bit and said "I was on your tail the whole run and I decided that I was not going to let you pull ahead of me.  You didn't walk so I had to run the whole time also!  Thank you for unofficially pacing me."   :-)

I grabbed a water and headed over to Paula.  That water tasted so dang good.  And then I remembered to turn off the mapmy app.  Oops  I got it turned off.   My last 3/10ths of a mile look slow....partly because I didn't get that turned off immediately and partly because I was STRUGGLING!

Wow.....so my pace was much better than my average for most of the run.  My turn around mile was slower and  mile 6 were I hit that wall was slower...but still 'average' pace.  Go figure.

 I took another drink.  Holy cow that water tasted good and I drained that water bottle in a few seconds.  And that is when I knew it.  What did I know?  I had to sit down or I was in danger of falling down.  Yes, I KNEW that that horrible feeling of being sick that I had encountered back at mile 5.7 had reached its pinnacle. Oh yes....I was ready to drop.  I sat down for a few moments and answered some well wish texts and knew I was ok.   I stood up, grabbed another water bottle and Paula and I headed back to the car.  Yes, we stopped along the way for another picture.  Come on now...it's us!

10K done!!!!!  I've got my starting base line numbers and now I can improve upon that!

So upon further reflection.  I realize that I had totally dehydrated myself on Saturday and since I hadn't drank anything in the morning before running it was carrying over to Sunday.  I was suffering from total dehydration.  Ooops.   

Absentism

Why yes, I know I've been MIA.   It's a multitude of reasons.  I can wax poetic about how I photographed a wedding last weekend and then spent the multitude of hours editing them.   Yes, I could say that and it would be absolutely true. 

However, using that as an excuse would be a total stretch of the truth.  The reason I've been absent is the fact that I've just been struggling.   I am torn many times about saying too much on in my posts because I don't like to air my dirty laundry.  The flip side is that I have always operated my blog with total honesty.  So I'll just say it.....I'm struggling.  Big time.

How can I sum it up????    I just think that there has to be more to life than this.  I have moments of joy, peace and happiness.  But the rest of life is just hard.  So many aspects of my life is just wrong that I feel as if I am drowning.  I've written my blog posts about my plans.  And I still am working in that direction (ok, I've been bad and I haven't been utterly disciplined with my writing as I should be.) I just live for the good moments and try to push through the rest of the time.

I saw this sign last night and LOVED it!

My running.....Last week I only ran once!  It was a 4 miler and I should have done TWO of them last week but life happened and the run didn't.  I had a 6 miler on the schedule for this weekend.  That didn't happen either.   Shoes that I LOVE and that I've worn a gazillion times before (ok, maybe not a gazillion) have all of a sudden started to give me blisters.  Friday night my feet were BURNING.  I'm in that stage where the blisters WANT to happen but they are on the cusp.  SO my feet HURT.  I chose to save myself from blisters and not run (any shoes HURT) to heal so that my feet are in good shape for next week.  Yes my 10K is next Sunday.   I am going to try to do the scheduled 2-3 milers this week!  All depends on he blister-age.


Even with the foot problems I did get in a walk with my friend on the battlefield. :-)  Always good o walk and talk.  Wish I would have had a good camera.....it was PERFECT for photographs!!! Oh well, I grabbed one with my cellphone as we walked.  (nope, I didn't break stride)

Makes no sense

Running really makes no sense.   Sunday I ran.    I ran 5.9 miles.   I felt pretty good.   Yeah toward the end I had a slight pain in my heel (planters fasciitis) and my knee bothered me a bit.   I got home and I rolled my foot on a frozen bottle of a water.  

I then somehow ended up in the hot tub reading.    When I got out Todd and I spent the afternoon out roaming.  My legs felt FINE!

Fast forward to my run Tuesday morning.    It was slower by about 10-20 seconds per mile.   I can let that slide as I did tackle a road that I usually ignore because it's quite a bit more hilly.  But my legs felt heavier than all get out the rest of the day.   What's up with that????   I only did 4.3 miles!  

I was still smiling at the end though.

Bad runs....good runs....they all equal out.  I'm just hoping and praying for a fantastic run on October 5th!!!!

I'm doing GREAT with my training schedule.   I have had to make one or two minor adjustments due to rain or schedule conflicts but I'm doing it!!!

Eating.   I'm still not to tracking and I have broken my 'rules'. So this past week I don't think the weight has been dropping.  (I have been horrid with weighing daily too!)

Last night I skipped Zumba and went home instead.   I immediately fell asleep on the couch and other than a few moments of being a wake here and there I slept all evening and then slept the night through.   Not sure what is up with that...but hopefully my body recovers from whatever.  I'm still feeling sluggish today....I'm vowing to do Zumba tonight though.....

Redo, change, adapt

(yes read through the whole thing, I will talk about weight loss and this journey I'm on to be healthy!!!)

It's no secret that I'm not happy with where life has led me.  No secret at all.  It's also no secret that I would like things to change, but in many ways feel powerless to make he change.  (Means to change, knowledge to know how to make the change and yes, guts to do it).   But that's neither hide nor hare but it does explain why I had this thought in my head , because it's in my mind...a LOT.

What would you do differently were you given a chance to redo your life?

I of course have a handful of answers.  It's easy to roll out the answers, choosing to change the aspects of life that didn't work out as planned.  OF course I would change my college education, probably to journalism and then of course the subsequent career path because we all know how that turned out.  (Poorly!!!!)   But it's easy to say that I would do things differently with the glasses of hindsight firmly affixed to my eyes.  I know how that turned out and of course I'd change it.

But then I started to think totally open and honest about it and I know that I had thought about Journalism before I hit college.  (It's in my journals...and they don't lie!).   Yet I still picked Elementary Education because that was my dream and we SHOULD follow our dreams.  So how WOULD I do my life over if given the chance.

In terms of education I would NOT pigeon hole myself into an education and career path that is so narrow.  I have a degree in elementary education.  Not exactly a degree that offers tons of choices in terms of a career should one choose to not teach.  (Especially in this job market.)  In a redo I would still pursue the education degree but I would opt for a dual major.   Open up my options.  Give myself some room for opportunity.  Yes, probably journalism. (although I did end up with a LOT of history classes...probably enough for a minor had the school I went to offered it...ha ha ha).   The career would follow... based on variables at the time...but my options would have been more open for sure.

Ha...notice I would still choose fields of education that would offer me a passion....and not lots of money.   Money is nice, but it's not everything.  I would far choose happiness over money.  That said, I would take greater steps to insure that my savings was intact and my home what I wanted.However, I am blessed with a roof over my head.   Our place is mortgage free, so I can't complain too much.

I would make some interpersonal relationships that I have.   I would hold the people that I ask into my life to be the kind of friend and person that I try to be . I would stand up for myself more and not wait until I've been used to the point that I'm so thoroughly disgusted and hurt before I turn away.  (And yes, I reached that point today with a friend just today.   I've made plans to go to dinner with this friend..I arrive at the restaurant and she's already eaten..I agree to do her a favor and she shows up 2.5 hours late leaving me sitting in a parking lot for that time.....and today, just another broken promise.....i'm done).  I would......well enough on interpersonal....that's a biggie and well...this is not the forum.

But would I redo everything?  NO, I would adjust and adapt what I did...because at the time I thought I was making the best possible decisions for me.    The really there is only ONE thing that I would change and redo TOTALLY...........

But the big change?????  The HUGE change???? The biggest thing that I wish I had done differently.  I wish I would have lost weight so much younger.  Instead of thinking about it and vowing to do it....vowing to start right after I finish my HO HO (do they still make Ho Ho's?)  And yes I've still got a ways to go, but I know that i'm on he right track.   Furthermore, I would say that I would have wanted to change that couch potato girl into an exercise girl so much sooner.  You see, I realized it yesterday morning during my run and it was reinforced tonight at Zumba.   Exercise is emotionally liberating.   I may have cried on my run yesterday as I thought about something that's happening in my life.  I may have been quiet tonight at Zumba while I thought about this blog post.  But I sweated it out of my system both times......I cleaned out the old and opened my lungs and breathed in the fresh healing air.  (oh hell, that was so utterly corny, but I'm leaving it there!!!!)    But yes, exercise is liberating.   Exercise is also amazing.  I have to say I'm finding that it is absolutely amazing to watch my body and see what it is really capable of.  (really?  did I really run 5.9 miles yesterday??  And I still went shopping and walking with Todd in the afternoon?   And I'm walking and zumba'ing today?   After running?  ME??????  And I'm planning on running in the AM?  HA...no, not Maryfran!!!!!!! Amazing!!!  Maybe it's not out there for me to say I may someday run a half marathon or a full marathon.......because you know what....if I want to do it, by golly I think my body is capable of it!)

A redo isn't possible........but an adaption to my life is.  I'm starting.  I'm starting with the friend that has taken advantage of me one too may times. I'm worth more than her treatment.   I'm starting.  (the weight started when I put down the Ho Ho's).   I may not have the answers.....the means.....the guts to make some changes.  But I"m going to do what I can. Even if it means I have to pass up the Ho Ho's.....dang now I really want a HO HO! (I can't even begin to tell you how long it's been since I had a Ho HO!....I have no clue why I chose Ho Ho's as my focus 'bad food' for today's post....it very well could have been a Twinkie, or a Little Debbie cake or a maybe a  milkshake, ooooohhhh or an Oreo!!!!...ha ha ha)

Settled the Nerves

I didn't manage to run on Saturday.  It was raining pretty  hard when I left work.  I weng grocery shopping and decided that that running would wait until Sunday.  In fairness, the rain cleared and I could have run later in the afternoon but oh well.  Sunday it was.

I was out on the canal at 8AM on Sunday.  Brrrr, it was chilly!  I LOVED IT!  Perfect weather for running!   I started out and just started to run.   I didn't look at my time, I didn't look at my mileage, I just ran.  (The canal has mile markers so all I had to do was count the mile markers and I knew I would be pretty close to my mileage.)    

I was running in the peaceful morning when a guy on a bike crept up behind me.  He called out that he was 'coming up on your left'.  I jumped about a mile, and he laughed that he was afraid I was going to jump right into the river.  I trucked on.   I felt pretty good.  Before I knew it I had reached the mile marker that I knew to be my turn around point. (I knew I would be over my 5 mile run, but I was actually ok with that.)   I had run every step of the 2.88 miles.  I did walk for a bit at the turn around. I saw a jogger coming up and I didn't want to jog right in front of her....and then I wasted a few moments because I didn't want to jog right on her tail end.   So I waited and then followed her dust.  She was actually only remotely faster than me so I kept her in my sights for about a mile or so on the way back.  I ran the whole way back and I felt pretty good.  I knew that if I ran back to where I started I would be over 5.5 miles.  I knew in fact that I would be pushing 6 miles.  I figured it would be a 2/10th of a mile deficit and I briefly thought about running the extra segment to finish it up.  

However, right at the 5 mile mark I started to feel it in my heel.  Darn Plantars Fasciitis.  (my knees bothered me a bit too at the end)    I made it to the bitter end  and decided to not push the foot.   It was SO stinkin' close too!!!!!!

How amusing to see that I actually got faster....my last first and fourth miles were about the same. I turned at about 2.88 so that's why the third mile was slow...because I wasted that minute or two walking.    But how amusing to me that the last 1.9 miles were faster than anything else.  Go me!  (and that is when I was starting to feel it in my knees and heel!)

I came home and rolled my foot on a frozen bottle of ice......then I got in the hot tub to relax a bit.  By then it was lunch time.  We toyed with going for Mexican, but ended up at a diner because I enjoy a salad that they have.  I really felt the need for something nutritional.  As much as I love the Mexican, I just was craving a salad.                                                                                                                                   The weird thing.  Last week I ran 4.12 miles and my legs felt it all that day and into the next day.  They were just tired and achy.  Today I feel fine!   It was so hot so maybe the achy legs were just a kickback of the heat that just pummelled me.  Maybe it was the hot tub that eased the muscles in my legs today.   I don't know...but I'll take the no achy legs.                                                                                 I'm totally stoked though, because I KNOW now that I CAN complete a 10k.  Yes, I was a few tenths of a mile off of officially running a 10k, but I could have EASILY finished it if I wanted!  So now it's just a thing of keeping running, working on speed and just rolling with the 10k on the day it happens.

IN other news, we ran into Walmart. (don't hate me.....it's the only place I can find my favorite drink mix......Crystal light used to have a cherry pomegranite and I can't find the Crystal light brand...but Walmart carries their cheap version...and it tastes good!)  I call it my 'pink stuff'  and while I should be drinking only water, it adds variety and is better than me drinking Diet Soda.  :-)

But anyway, I digress......I ran into Walmart and low and behold I saw this back in the toy section. (Yes, I walked through the store.......stretching my legs some more....)   I'm a little disturbed by this!!!!!!     I was tempted to get it for my nephews.... but thought that my brother and sister in law may have killed me.  (ha ha ha...whatcha think Alan and Cindy???)

Same theme

Carrying on the fear theme....

Heading into the Weekend

My eating has been sporadic,but it does look as if I'm holding my weight steady with this new 'not tracking' dealio.  I've seen myself slip a bit through this week though, so I need to totally tighten up the eating.  :-)

I have been filled with self doubt about actually completing this 10k.   I felt so awesome on my run on Wednesday and totally fell apart my next run.  In fairness to that next run, it was on a treadmill (Which I hate) and the room was HOT!  I however am not giving up!  NO, not me.  I'm going to complete this or die trying.  (Ok, maybe death is not a good way to put it, but honestly at this point death or injury is about the only thing that will keep me from it.)  But I'm fearful about completing it.  I'm fearful about being so slow that (whatever my mind conjures up actually happens).    I'm not giving up.  I'm training.  I'm consistently training.  I'm going to do this!      I actually just booked a hotel from for my friend Paula and I the night before the run.  I've spent the money...I'm doing it!!!!

And here is the thing........facing fear in the face and overcoming that fear is awesome for two reasons.  Doing what you are afraid of opens new doors but even more importantly the sense of pride when I overcome is amazing!!!!!!   October 5th at around noon I'll be feeling that awesome "sense of pride!"

Up tomorrow.....a 5 mile run.  I'm hoping the rain holds so that I can run it tomorrow versus push it off until Sunday.

Dancing Like Mad

My training is still spot on.  I'm running when I need to run and cross training/zumba-ing when I need to zumba.  I'm resting when it says rest.  I will say that I have had to do some minor adjustment in the schedule.  For example on Tuesday I was supposed to run 3 miles.  I ran that on Monday and did zumba on Tuesday evening.  I have also been adding in an extra run during the week. (I ran on Monday and did my zumba).  I'm a woman on a mission.   Ironicallly enough on Monday I ran and then followed it up with zumba and I had more energy at zumba then I knew what to do with.  I only zumba'ed on Tuesday ad felt sluggish.  Go figure????

The eating is going well.  I'm cognizant of what I'm eating.  Trying to maintain the balance of food, which means a heavy (high caloric) lunch means a light (low caloric) dinner.    I've had some days where I've just been flat out hungry.  And some days where food hasn't had a grip on me.  Ironically enough on Monday I wasn't all that hungry.  Yet I ran my three miles in the morning and did zumba in the evening.   However, on Tuesday I was ravenous.   I still didn't eat crazy.  (Egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast, turkey and cheese wrap with some applesauce for lunch, pudding cup for a snack and turkey burger , rice and applesauce for dinner.)   It made sense to me though,  because on Monday I burned a ton of calories and I KNOW I didn't eat a ton (waffle and hashbrowns for breakfast, protein banana shake for lunch, grapes for a snack, a grilled cheese and pretzels for dinner).

Yes, I'm falling down on the fruits and veggies....gotta beef those up!

Meanwhile, this morning I powered through my run.  I did NOT give in to the mental mind game to 'walk' the one incline that I usually have problems with.  I have KNOWN that it is a mental game and today I was determined to power through it.  I had a nice intervention.   A friend texted me right as I hit the bottom of the incline.  I fiddled with my phone to take a picture of myself (never missing a step)


I then texted the picture and a few words back.  By the time I was done with that, I found myself halfway up the hill.  Yes, I later thanked that friend!!!!

I got back to the car HAPPY.  I ran every step and I didn't stop when I hit the three mile mark. I was only scheduled for three miles and yes, I knew when I hit it.  However, I ran until the spot that I had decided to run to.  And weirdly enough, I probably could have gone longer.....in all honesty.  (my legs may differ, they are tight and achy again today)

I had a slight problem on my run.  I sweated...BAD...and it looked like I peed my pants. What in the world?   I have a picture, but I think I'll pass on sharing it.  HA HA HA....ok, what the heck!

So my pace is still freakishly slow but hey, I'll take it!!!!!!!

I mentioned my Saturday run???  Did I mention that I ran through the Ides of Hell? It was horribly humid and horribly hot.  But I did it.   Two things happened after that run.

One.  My legs flat outright ached the rest of the day.  Not enough to hinder me from doing anything but just achy.  

Secondly I started to obsess. MY time was slooooow.  Like 14.30 minutes per mile slow.  That's even slow for me!  (A minute slower a mile). I started to panic.   But I a squashed that fear and doubt down and vowed to not let it get to me.

Sunday was a simple walk tow miles day in the te raining schedule.  Easy right??? I t was such a cinch that by 5pm I hadn't completed it yet and it was looming.  I prepared to go home after a day with my family and my sister in law offered to walk it with me.   Thank you Cindy!!!!  2 miles complete in 30 minutes.  (Which goes to show you exactly how slow I was on Saturday!!)

Monday I got up and ran.  I knew that my normal Tuesday run would most likely  not happen (seriously I woke up at 5AM last week to make it happen and realized exactly how'd ark it is out there at that time....I didn't run in the morning).  So I ran this morning.  It was soooo nice outside!!!

Yes from the Ides of Hell on. Saturday to 54 degrees.  Today's run was awesome weather!!!!   And my time was more than a minute faster per mile.  Still slow but more what I expected.   My legs managed ok.  I could feel them, but not really sore and achy.  That is until after work when I added an hour of Zumba Step to my activity!!!!  Fun fun!!!

Now me legs are sore.   Todd came home from teaching his class up in Frostburg and found me luxuriating in the hot tub....eating part if my dinner!

And my experiment is working.  The weight is dropping pretty consistently.  :-). I want to add that I don't think this would work for me if I didn't have the base of right years of tracking and balancing my food intake as experience.  I had to learn those lessons in order for this to work!!!!

That's about it.  Nothing wise....raw....sad....funny.  Just me doing what I need to do!!!

Staying focused and so much happier without the stress if trackig at this time.  (That said I know the rough calorie count of everything I ate so it's not as if I don't have a clue.  I'm just not worried about it.  Saturday and Sunday I was 'probably' a but high in calories....today I'm just not hungry so I'm 'probably' on the low side! Who knows for sure.   As long as the scales are going down...I don't care!!!!

Sore legs and some fear all rolled into one

Hooooooo-leeeeeeee  smokes, it was hot out there for my long run of the week. The canal was muddy as all get out too!!!

  

I woke up and immediately started stressing about the run.  I typically run 2.5-3 miles at a pop. So pushing it up to 4 miles was a jump.  I dreaded it and worried about it.  Yes, I did.  But I gritted my teeth and went out. (Later than normal simply because of my procrastination and worry).  I doubted myself the whole run.  Telling myself I couldn't make the whole thing.  I did make it.  I managed 4.12 miles.  This week. I've only topped that one other time (effortlessly it seemed at the time too...hmm).    So I am slowly pushing up my mileage.  It was also muddy on the canal this morning!    The last mile was brutally hot. I did it though.  It was slow..but I did it!!!!!!       

As for the rest of the day....my legs are SORE...all day they have been sore and just achy!  

Eating today, I did eat a bit extra for lunch (my breakfast was light and we went to lunch shortly after my run was complete.....yeah, I ate Chinese....and I was hungry!)  My weight was done again this morning though.  So maybe...just maybe I have figured out a plan that will work for me ...right where I'm at in this journey!  I even had a little tires after dinner (a kiddie size!!!)

I was answering an email to a friend the other day and the words just poured forth and made me think.

Teaching in PG county was a horrid experience for me.  It was the end of a dream for me.  It was the beginning of a life of fear.

I went to PG county to accept a teaching position as  a pretty confident gal.  I wasn’t not worried about moving to a city hours away from family where I had no friends.  I was not worried about starting a new job in a notoriously rough area of the city.  I was ready to face the world head on with a spring in my step and a sparkle of confidence in my eyes.   Things didn't go as I planned. My life long dreams went up in flames.   I ended up leaving the teaching profession a broken and battered woman.  Because I have vowed to be totally honest and brutal, I will just say it…I left in a state of depression that was at the most dangerous level.  Yes, I seriously contemplated and made the first feeble steps to kill myself to end the misery of existence and my broken dreams.  It was ugly but I got out and the depression lifted and I was ok.

But was I really ok?

Where a fearless (relatively) girl once stood there now stood a broken and fearful person.  I was afraid of my own shadow.  What if something went sour with what I was doing?  What if I found myself in a situation like PG County again?  What if I failed at whatever I wanted to try, just like I had failed in PG County?  What if?  What if?  What if?

I retreated.  I stopped dreaming because my dreams could lead to failure.  I stepped back and allowed life to move on without me.  Oh, I’ve stayed up on things. I’m not still living in the stone ages with dial up internet, no cell phone and a black and white tv (ok ok ok, I haven’t seen a black and white tv since the 70’s and I actually had a cell phone when I was in PG County….same number I still have today actually….ha ha)  But I’ve stopped dreaming.  I’ve stopped pushing myself out of my comfort zone because of fear.  I stopped doing things because of the what ifs. 

My life changed because of this fear.  I stopped pushing myself to achieve dreams and goals.  I stopped striving to be the best because the potential for failure was too great.  I stopped trying and settled for second best.

In the last few years I’ve started to see these fears for what they are.  Irrational.   I’ve started to try to push myself past the comfort zone and face these fears head on.  I’ve been successful.  I have pushed myself past some of my fears.  Each and every time, they all turned out to be  irrational fears yet they almost immobilized me.

Traveling by myself?  How crazy was it to fear that?  Yes, I almost got stuck in an airport and had to do a mad dash that even the flight attendant said was a futile attempt.  But if I hadn’t have made it what is the worst that would have happened?  I would have called in to work the next day (since I obviously would have been not in town to work) and I would have hopped the next available flight.   It was a totally irrational fear.  And you know what I learned that weekend?  I LOVE traveling by myself. 

Running.  I can’t even talk about how fearful I am with running.  I was petrified to run Paws on the Pavement the first time.  I did it by myself and the fear was intense!  I had run a few 5k’s before; but I had always run them in the company of a friend.  This one was I was totally on my own and I was afraid.    Yet I pushed myself to do it.   There were parts I wasn’t fond of (the boring wait between arrival and the start…that isn’t really fun by yourself) but I did it and that run was my BEST EVER time for a 5k!   I actually ran the most recent Donut Alley Rally by myself (although my husband was in the crowd waiting for me, so I wasn’t totally alone).   It turned out to be an irrational fear. 

The other week it took everything I had to admit my love of writing and my desire to actually do something with it.  Fear, plain and simple. But I’m doing it regardless.  Because if I don’t I’ll always wonder what if. (and I have already wasted years of not following the dream because of fear!)

So I’ve been trying to push myself out of this fear.  I want the confident girl back.  I want the confident girl that headed out into the unknown so many years ago to come back.  I don’t like the life that this revised version of MaryFran leads.   Just accepting what life doles out is no longer an option.   I’m clawing my way back and pushing through the fears. 

That’s not to say that my mind is not still filled with these what ifs.  Oh, they are there. But you know what?  I’m going to face them when they happen.  I’m worried and stressed and fearful about running this 10k.  (I’m SLOOOOOW…and my body is really feeling my current 3 miles).  But you know what.  What’s the worst that will happen?  I have to stop?  I get swept (I don’t even know if they sweep the course at this run….but I’m thinking that at my current pace of 13.30…that I should be ok)?   I trip and hurt an ankle?  Oh well, it will be a good story to tell at work the next week.  The fear is irrational.  

(Ok today was slower than 13:30)

The Nike slogan makes so much sense to me now….. JUST DO IT!  No excuses, no fears…JUST DO IT!

Experimental

I’ve been thinking long and hard about tracking my food.  I’ve tracked my food for 8 years, more than 8 years if I want to be honest with myself.  For most of that time it’s been a near religious adherence.  Oh, that’s not to say that I haven’t had a week or two where I just didn’t track.  That’s also not to say that what I’m tracking has been utterly healthy for me.  But I’ve pretty consistently written down my food intake for eight long years.  I’ve had incredible success with it.  I lost quite a bit of weight.  I also gained quite a bit of weight.  (Luckily I gained quite a bit less than I lost….and for that I am grateful.)  Tracking worked for me.  Plain and simple, it worked.

I don’t know if you noticed something about that last sentence.  “Plain and simple, it worked.”  Still don’t see it?   It was written in past tense.  It worked.  It’s no longer working.  I can track until I’m blue in the face and it isn’t working.  Last weekend I wasn’t tracking but was totally cognizant of what I ate and I was showing a loss on the scales.  I decided to jump back into tracking and it all went to pot.  Seriously.  I’ve thought about it and come up with some thoughts about why it got rough once I started tracking.

1. The process of tracking is SO old.  I’m sick of it.  It’s the same old same old.  Boring!
2.  I am constantly thinking about food. I’m thinking about how many calories I have left for the day and what in the world I can eat that will fill me up but yet stay within those calories.  I stress about the days where I’m left with 200 calories for dinner.  (And anyone that has counted calories will say that this happens!  Heck, I’ve been there with less than 200 calories for my dinner!).  I then have a stellar day with calories left over and I eat ice cream just because I can.   It’s constant and it’s honestly stressful.   Tracking has elevated the importance of food from its previous high and lofty place to a God-like status.
3. When I have a day where I’m low on calories it becomes a mental game.  My mind is screaming at me. “You’re going to be hungry with just those few calories.”  In reality, I should be satisfied with that food and probably would have…until those thoughts started floating around in my head. 

I’m absolutely petrified to not track.  Let’s be honest here. For the last 8 years tracking has been a way of life.  It’s been my crutch on this weight loss journey (The rubber gripper on the bottom just slipped off a few times causing me to fall!  Ha ha ha).  To not track scares the living doo doo out of me.  Holy cow, what if I slip and gain a ton of weight.  What if tracking is what has kept me from regaining ALL of the weight that I had lost.  I’m frightened!  Frightened beyond belief.

So I have been thinking about it.   Here is the guidelines I’ve come up for myself to give myself some semblance of support as I try to go trackless.

1. Weigh daily.  I have always done this when I’m on track.  I understand that there will be fluctuations based on the time of the month, the sodium in the foods that I am eating the day before, what time I had dinner the night before, etc.  I’m ok with fluctuations. I can understand those.
2. Fruits and Veggies.   My body needs the nutrition of fruits and vegetables.  And voila, they are usually low calorie.  I’ve historically seen that when I’m eating my minimum of 5 fruits and  vegetables daily that my weight seems to drop.  I’m filling up on low calorie and highly nutritious foods.   So I will be eating at least 5 servings a day. 
3. Carbs.  This makes me sad.  So sad.  But I have long known that I have to limit my bread and pasta intake to once a day.  Just the way it needs to be sadly enough. (I’m not even going to look into the natural carbs in fruit and such…..it’s the breads and pastas that kill me.
4. Blog.  Regularly!   And honestly!    That does not mean once a week.  That means every one to two days.  Be honest about where I’m at and what I’m going through. 
5. Exercise.  This will only work if I am consistently exercising.  Something.
6. Eat using the same principles that I have been using while tracking.  If I have a big dinner planned, then that means that I better eat light for lunch and breakfast.   

I’m scared, but I’m ready to dive head first into this.  Hopefully my plan of eating what I need and not what my projected calorie count tells me to eat will pay off.  I can always start tracking if it doesn’t appear to be working and I can and probably will do spot checks on my calorie count here and there.  I will be and plan on remaining cognizant of the calories that I’m eating.  I’m just not going to panic over it and count each and every one. 

On the flip side, I'm happy to be away from MyFitnesspal's "streak".  It's cool when you have a huge streak but it became just one more thing to stress about.  I literally logged on when I had the flu last summer.  I didn't leave my bed, let alone eat.  Yet logged on to 'maintain my streak"   That's just odd!

Let this experiment begin!

And after all of this rambling.....I lost 2 pounds this week!  (I went back to my trackless eating yesterday)

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

Today I actually felt really good about myself.  I noticed that I walked with more confidence and a larger smile and I just felt ready to tackle the world.  Hmmmmm  Could it be the 4 runs that I've had the last couple days somehow affecting my brain?   Interesting.

Meanwhile, I think I have learned a valuable lesson.  I've long known that eating a bowl of cereal usually doesn't tie me over to lunchtime. I'm hungry well before lunch.  I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast...a late breakfast at that. (9AM..after I ran).  By 11 AM I was practically drooling at the thought of food.  I actually made it until about 1 before I caved and had lunch.  I ate my lunch and the ravenous hunger went away but I never felt satisfied.  I made it home to dinner and I just about gnawed the kitchen apart to get to food.  I ate and waited.  I was still hungry so I ate some more.  And waited.  Seriously????  I was still hungry.  What is wrong with me?????   I ate over my calorie goal by probably 400-500 calories.  Much more food than I'm sure I  needed.  So my question is this.  Once that 'I'm so hungry feeling' comes will it pervade my thinking until I stuff myself almost to the brink (or in many cases over the brink) of being over-full?   Food for thought.

This little impromptu eating pondering brings my thoughts to another aspect.  Tracking.  I didn't track a bit this weekend.  Yet I lost.  I started tracking yesterday....and today...and I'm already obsessive about my calories.  Hmmmmmm....I've been doing this a fair amount of time....maybe I do know how to properly eat for my body.  But then again....I've been stuck in the same weight vortex for how long?  Yeah, maybe I better keep tracking.

My running is still happening.  Today was a cross train day.  Zumba was cancelled and I just felt like running...so I went running this morning.  2.2 miles.  It was a much easier run this morning than it was last night (and 1 minute faster per a mile).   I will be running my scheduled training run tomorrow morning...at least 2.5 miles.    And Friday is a blessed rest day!  :-)  

The running schedule and my excitement over it brought the thought into my head.  I work well with a deadline looming.  I knew about this 10k AGES ago....I could have started training for it eons back.  I didn't...then I was ready to quit.....circumstances brought it to the forefront and here I am busting my butt to achieve it.  I thrive with a challenge and a deadline...one that I can't back out of!!!!!!  Hmmmm   Well, maybe not thrive.  Ask me on October 6th if I thrived!  (thriving is finishing the race AND having lost the 10 pounds that I vowed to lose)

And as for the weight......dangit, I wrote last night about the 3 pound loss.....this morning I was up two pounds.  ha ha ha.  I was dying of thirst when I woke up though so hopefully the 120 plus ounces of water I drank today washed the water retention out of me!

Neither rain, humidity or heat will keep me.......

I have been weighing myself everyday....and I'm happy to say that the scales are looking good.   I weighed myself on Friday my 'first day of 10K training'.    I am proud to say that I'm down 3 pounds since then.  I know that a good bit of this is probably water weight loss.  But you know what....I'll take it.  Sadly, at the beginning of this 10k journey my weight was at the top end of this weight loss vortex that I've been stuck in.   So I'm still 3 pounds away from leaving it far behind, but I'm working on it!!!

So this morning.  I had plans for my morning.  I set my alarm for 5AM.  I had grand plans to get my scheduled run completed before I needed to leave the house (which was a few minutes before 7 AM).   I had absolutely no problem waking up at 5.  But dang, it was so dark outside, I just couldn't do it.  I laid in bed and relaxed for a while and then threw my running clothes into my gym bag and headed out the door.  There was no doubt in my mind, I was running after work.

And then......I started to get severe storm warnings on my phone.  GRRRR  And at about 4:45 a monsoon blew in and it poured down rain.  I started to have doubts about my run.  A light drizzle or a steady rain is ok but a downpour with wind and lightening.....maybe not.

Luckily for me, it cleared up and I changed my clothes and headed out to run.

It was a rough run.  I was slow and it was so humidly hot, but I did it.  I had planned to do 3 miles (my schedule demanded 2.5).  I'm sorry to say that I didn't make the 3.  I did however make it 2.67 (and I walked the last half mile)

I did it....and all I'll say is that this was the. Best. Sight. Ever!

Labor Day....you ain't kidding

Labor Day arrived.   Thank goodness I was off work!  That makes any day a good one!!!   I got up early and out some food together for dinner as we were having friends over.  I rille through that stuff as fast as possible as Todd and I wanted to get out in the canal.   

It was just a tad bit humid and warm.  But we walked a few miles.  

After walking we ran an errand or two and then grabbed lung before heading home. I chose a healthy option.  

Once home I hung up a new rack for my hats.   I've never been a hat person.  But seriously, hard keep my unruly hair contained and it has the added benefit of keeping the sweat from dripping down my face.  Win win!!!!    So now my hats are hanging!!!

Next up?   Mowing!   An hour and fifteen minutes in the heat (and a little rain) and I decided that te main yard was enough I wasn't doing the far edges or far field!  No way...push mowing is hot hard work!   Just for a giggle I turned on the mapmy...app it amuses me...because I can guarantee that I mowed in a reasonable manner....an I promise you I did NOt mow the road or go across te street to mow the neighbora yard.  But, hey, it's worth a laugh!

The evening was spent with friends that came over for the evening.   Fun times!!!!

Running to beat the band

Friday morning I woke up and headed out the door.  My training for this 10K commenced on Friday morning. 

 I hadn't worked up a training plan yet.  I did that when I got to work on Friday.  I researched it because, hello....I've only got 5 weeks until this 10k.  I have to double my mileage and hopefully increase my speed over the next 5 weeks.  So I need a plan!

And a plan I created!  It calls for three runs and one walk a week...and two days of cross training. (ok, so zumba may not be exactly what they were talking about..but it's what I'm gonna do!)  Actually it was a four week plan that I tweaked for my purposes. I have sent this on to Paul and she is supposed to be doing the same plan with me.  Meanwhile, I also went on and actually paid for my registration for this 10k.  It's in Leesburg, VA on October 5th...raising money for the Wounded Warriors.

At first I panicked about the training schedule. One one hand I just cancelled my gym membership. So if it rains I'm up the creek.  YIKES.   And secondly, I have other obligations and desires that I have to work around.  I have made the commitment to get up super early to complete my runs if need be.  I am GOING TO DO THIS!  I will stick to the schedule.  What's a little sleep.  Satisfaction is more important, on so many different levels!  And being honest...I an get those runs in after work too. It's not the end of the world.

So this morning I got up.  I KNEW I had a three mile run on the schedule.  I dressed for it...and then procrastinated.  Afterall I had all day!  Well, almost all day.  Our refrigerator went belly up and the new one was to be delivered between 3 and 5 in the afternoon.  I didn't want to cut it too close so at 11 I headed out knowing it was 'now or never' and never was not an option.  I got myself laced up and walked out the door.  And....

Are you serious??????

RAIN!!!!

Not a problem.  I went back in and threw my phone in a ziploc bag ...I call it my i-baggy  (I don't have a water proof case...but I may have to invest when I get my new phone).  I went out.  The drizzle stopped so I was fine anyway.


I got about 1.5 miles into run and my phone rang.  I didn't recognize the number but answered it.  It was the delivery guys letting me know that they would be at my house in 30 minutes.  Uhhhhhhhhhh   I had 1.5 miles to run to get to my car and then a short drive to get home.  I booked it.....well as much as a turtle slogging through peanut butter can book it!  And yes, I made it!!!!!!!  A little red in the face, but I made it!

And the guys came with the fridge shortly thereafter!  YAY!!!  A fridge that is not leaking!!!!!  And sadly, not many options for the space that was available to me.  Like model was the only one available to me for the width and height.....and yes, I was tempted to rip out the cabinets and wall to get a bigger fridge!!!!   :(   But it at least made shopping easy for me!  :-)

I waited until the fridge had proven it's cooling abilities to me (that it was working).  And then I headed to town to buy groceries.  I did make one stop on the way to the store.  And I did my brother proud.  I fixed a flat tire on a friend's bike.

Tomorrow is a cross train day. No running scheduled.  So maybe just maybe Todd and I will be able to get a bike ride in. (after I fix a flat on his bike of course.) However, the 'infernal pond project' may suck up our time.  We do have water in the ponds and it seems to be going well....we just have to haul more stones....and dig the line for the electrical stuff (for some reason I don't want extension cords running across my yard)