Monday, September 15, 2014

Redo, change, adapt

(yes read through the whole thing, I will talk about weight loss and this journey I'm on to be healthy!!!)

It's no secret that I'm not happy with where life has led me.  No secret at all.  It's also no secret that I would like things to change, but in many ways feel powerless to make he change.  (Means to change, knowledge to know how to make the change and yes, guts to do it).   But that's neither hide nor hare but it does explain why I had this thought in my head , because it's in my mind...a LOT.

What would you do differently were you given a chance to redo your life?

I of course have a handful of answers.  It's easy to roll out the answers, choosing to change the aspects of life that didn't work out as planned.  OF course I would change my college education, probably to journalism and then of course the subsequent career path because we all know how that turned out.  (Poorly!!!!)   But it's easy to say that I would do things differently with the glasses of hindsight firmly affixed to my eyes.  I know how that turned out and of course I'd change it.

But then I started to think totally open and honest about it and I know that I had thought about Journalism before I hit college.  (It's in my journals...and they don't lie!).   Yet I still picked Elementary Education because that was my dream and we SHOULD follow our dreams.  So how WOULD I do my life over if given the chance.

In terms of education I would NOT pigeon hole myself into an education and career path that is so narrow.  I have a degree in elementary education.  Not exactly a degree that offers tons of choices in terms of a career should one choose to not teach.  (Especially in this job market.)  In a redo I would still pursue the education degree but I would opt for a dual major.   Open up my options.  Give myself some room for opportunity.  Yes, probably journalism. (although I did end up with a LOT of history classes...probably enough for a minor had the school I went to offered it...ha ha ha).   The career would follow... based on variables at the time...but my options would have been more open for sure.

Ha...notice I would still choose fields of education that would offer me a passion....and not lots of money.   Money is nice, but it's not everything.  I would far choose happiness over money.  That said, I would take greater steps to insure that my savings was intact and my home what I wanted.However, I am blessed with a roof over my head.   Our place is mortgage free, so I can't complain too much.

I would make some interpersonal relationships that I have.   I would hold the people that I ask into my life to be the kind of friend and person that I try to be . I would stand up for myself more and not wait until I've been used to the point that I'm so thoroughly disgusted and hurt before I turn away.  (And yes, I reached that point today with a friend just today.   I've made plans to go to dinner with this friend..I arrive at the restaurant and she's already eaten..I agree to do her a favor and she shows up 2.5 hours late leaving me sitting in a parking lot for that time.....and today, just another broken promise.....i'm done).  I would......well enough on interpersonal....that's a biggie and well...this is not the forum.

But would I redo everything?  NO, I would adjust and adapt what I did...because at the time I thought I was making the best possible decisions for me.    The really there is only ONE thing that I would change and redo TOTALLY...........

But the big change?????  The HUGE change???? The biggest thing that I wish I had done differently.  I wish I would have lost weight so much younger.  Instead of thinking about it and vowing to do it....vowing to start right after I finish my HO HO (do they still make Ho Ho's?)  And yes I've still got a ways to go, but I know that i'm on he right track.   Furthermore, I would say that I would have wanted to change that couch potato girl into an exercise girl so much sooner.  You see, I realized it yesterday morning during my run and it was reinforced tonight at Zumba.   Exercise is emotionally liberating.   I may have cried on my run yesterday as I thought about something that's happening in my life.  I may have been quiet tonight at Zumba while I thought about this blog post.  But I sweated it out of my system both times......I cleaned out the old and opened my lungs and breathed in the fresh healing air.  (oh hell, that was so utterly corny, but I'm leaving it there!!!!)    But yes, exercise is liberating.   Exercise is also amazing.  I have to say I'm finding that it is absolutely amazing to watch my body and see what it is really capable of.  (really?  did I really run 5.9 miles yesterday??  And I still went shopping and walking with Todd in the afternoon?   And I'm walking and zumba'ing today?   After running?  ME??????  And I'm planning on running in the AM?, not Maryfran!!!!!!! Amazing!!!  Maybe it's not out there for me to say I may someday run a half marathon or a full marathon.......because you know what....if I want to do it, by golly I think my body is capable of it!)

A redo isn't possible........but an adaption to my life is.  I'm starting.  I'm starting with the friend that has taken advantage of me one too may times. I'm worth more than her treatment.   I'm starting.  (the weight started when I put down the Ho Ho's).   I may not have the answers.....the means.....the guts to make some changes.  But I"m going to do what I can. Even if it means I have to pass up the Ho Ho's.....dang now I really want a HO HO! (I can't even begin to tell you how long it's been since I had a Ho HO!....I have no clue why I chose Ho Ho's as my focus 'bad food' for today's very well could have been a Twinkie, or a Little Debbie cake or a maybe a  milkshake, ooooohhhh or an Oreo!!!!...ha ha ha)


Jessica said...

You are a strong woman and can do anything you put your mind to doing :)

timothy said...

this is very 3 of cups (tarot card) it's old pain/regret that no longer serves you I'm glad you've dredged it up and now you can make peace with it and move forward, and darling you are NEVER too old to achieve a dream so don't count yourself out yet, as long as you breathe you can achieve! (damn that's good gotta remember that one!lol)

Anonymous said...

i've been there - had to let a "friend" go. just know that you will grieve the loss (that's normal with change), but you'll get through it. and, you'll feel better about yourself!

Sonya @ Finding Drew said...

I truly believe things all happen for a reason. It might piss me off not knowing what that reason is, but I know there is some sort of plan. It's hard going through it though. Right now I still feel like I am. It can be emotionally draining forsure... But hopefully I come out stronger like you. You are doing great my friend. Be proud of that.

Alati said...

You inspire me to push my body to exercise more. It's one of the areas I need much much improvement. Keep at it!

Darcy Winters said...

I can so relate to your post. Shoulda, woulda, coulda...

Thanks for sharing this!

Suzanne said...

No redo's but you never know what life brings at you. I have a few of "those" supposed friends in the past. You're doing awesome!!

Anonymous said...

You shouldn't beat yourself up over your school choices. You made the best decision you could with what you had to go on. I think it's an awful lot of pressure, to take a fresh, 18-year-old kid and say, "OK now, pick what you want to do for the next 30-40 years of your life." European countries often have a "gap year" for their kids after secondary school; I think we should do that, too...time to work and travel and figure things out.

All our experiences make us who we are, the good and the bad. There are things I'd definitely do differently if I could go back, but I try not to think about them since I can't – I only have now to go on.

So don't beat yourself up! The right career path will come along; you may change it several times even – you have lots of time and it's never too late. And a year from now, when you're running all over the place, you'll be so glad you didn't wait any longer to start exercising!

I believe in you and you've got this. :-)

P.S. Dump that "friend." You deserve better. You've been very kind and patient, but some distance is definitely called for there – give your friendship to people who will appreciate it!

Anonymous said...

You can do this, it is never too late. It's true that we can't go back but we can move forward.

Tricia Coniglio said...

Exercise is DEFINITELY liberating! I am so glad you are training for the 10k and ditching TV in place of it. Good for the heart, mind, soul and, yes, the body!

I cannot believe your friend had you do a favor and then didn't wait for you to arrive for the meal. I am just glad you realized they weren't worth your friendship. The hard part may be following through with it.

Ho Hos!! I am not sure if they still make them.
PS, I posted about carbs if you were interested in checking it out :)

bbubblyb said...

I don't live so far away :) and you have yet to invite me out for a walk :) I think we should make it happen :) I say do your best to look at the bright side of things, you are bright and capable and a kind heart. I'm with Timothy, it's never to late. As for wishing I had lost weight sooner, I've realized I wasn't ready yet :) it's happening for you, learning to love yourself just as you are. Sending you a big hug :)

MaryFran said...

Yes!!!! Let's definitely make a walk happen!

Amanda Scocozzo said...

"He will never love me like this"
"I will do it after I lose 20 lbs"

I have been there, I have hid behind my fears and woke up wondering what I was waiting for. I spent years in what felt like playing catch up. In the end it was all worth it and I would not change a thing. I want it all for you and I would like to support you through the process.