Just Do it!

Just do it!   I'm at the point where I'm tired of saying I'm going to do it.  I"m tired of talking about doing it. I'm tired of being depressed because I'm NOT doing it.  It's time to JUST DO IT!  Stop sitting on my butt and whining.  Get up and DO IT.  It really is as simple as the slogan.....Just do it!  There is nothing stopping me.  There are no road blocks.  It really is just ME doing it! 

Workin' it.  I knew that yesterday would be difficult. Not making excuses because there is only one person to blame for me eating the food that I ate.  And that person is me.  It boils down the the fact that if I want to lose weight, I need to learn to say  no.   Even if it's just saying no to myself.  Just Say NO!  (I"m just full of slogans today)

My goal was to exercise three times this week (pretty easy goal).  I've gotten 2 in....so sometime between now and Sunday night, I need to get a third in. 

My goal for next week........Continue with the 3 exercises.  But i want to have a week where I am on target with my eating 6 days of the week.  I'm human.  I understand that.  I also understand that if I deny myself, that I will be miserable and end up binging.  So I'm going to stick with the 'one MEAL' splurge a week.  ONE ONE ONE!   That way I can have those comfort foods that I so super high in fat and calories. But I can still manage.

Why Yes!

I knew that today would be rough.  Todd has been on a liquid diet since Tuesday and then had to do the prep work for a colonoscopy.....so I knew that when the test was done today that he would want to go out to eat somewhere.  I planned accordingly and ate a lighter breakfast.  We finally were able to eat lunc at 3:30.  I was hungry...and ordered a nice meal.  When Todd asked if I wanted to order a bottomless basket of chips and salsa....what else did I answer other than "Why Yes!"   I think I may have even clapped my hands with glee.  We ate lunch and went home.  After being at home for a few hours Todd was like "Ice cream at Nutters?" (nutters is our local ice creamery)   But of course there is no guess work in how I answered. "Why yes!"  I cried out with childish delight as I ran to put on my shoes.  

I seemingly had no control.  I can say that thank heavens, I did have fat free yogurt as my choice at the ice cream shop.  I haven't figured out the damage from lunch...but I'll take my knock and move on!

Last night, I made it to the 5:30 zumba session for my make up from the previous week.  After that hour of activity, I stayed for the 6:45 sessions of zumba.  So I worked out for 2 hours.  YIPPEE.  Mind over matter.  Yes, my legs were feeling heavy toward the end of the 2 hours.  But I put my mind to it and completed it with the same vigorous movements that I had started my zumba stint with!

I can do this!

Self-hatred

I've pulled up blogger for the last few days.  And the empty screen sits and stares at me. I write nothing and at the end of the day I 'X" out of it...not a word written.

How do you say I've failed miserably.  How does one say that I have allowed myself to slide back further than I ever thought possible.  How does one say that this addiction that I struggle with has gripped me and made me forget everything that I have worked for. 

I have never totally stopped trying or caring.  But caring for 3 days or 4 days or even five days out of the week doesn't cut it.  Caring from the time i wake up until 6PM..only to follow up with an evening of food extragavanza doesn't cut it.  I have been the same weight for roughly the last 6 months or so.  I lose 4-5 pounds...then gain 4-5 pounds.  I'm on a teeter-totter.....and I HATE it.  I look at myself and feel hatred for allowing myself to regain 50 pounds.  Yes, 50 pounds.  I want to cry.  I want to wail.  I want to gnash my teeth.  I want to scream.  I'm in utter anguish.  Yet I try and try and try again and again....just to fail.  The lure of food.  My addiction in a nutshell. 

I know that it's possible to pull myself out of this.  To lose the weight again.  And I also know that it's possible to keep the weight off.  I need to dig deep within myself.  Focus on myself.  Do this for all the right reasons.   And this time, when I say I will never again be in the two hundreds...I will actually take care to make sure that never happens.  I will NOT have a repeat of this.  It is debilitating.....and I know that physical issues aside...I NEVER want to feel the emotional stress of this again!

So what is my plan?    I'm taking it one day at a time.  Focusing on eating right for ONE day.  Not looking at the big picture of how much I have to lose.  Focusing on doing the right thing simply for that one day.  Tomorrow is a new day...and I'll worry about eating right when that day comes.  I'm going to focus on my old system.....a sticker a day in my calender for each day on target....an extra sticker for each day of exercise.  And a sticker at the end of the week for my weekly challenge met.  I did this about 3-4 years ago and it was encouraging to see the rows of stickers indicating daily success.  It was also sobering and eye opening to see a few days go by with no stickers.  

This week is admittedly rough....todd is having all sorts of tests that require fasting....liquid diets...whatnot.  So whenever he has a window where he can eat....we go....and of course I eat with him!  Not good. 

I'm still doing Zumba twice a week.  I may actually go for broke tonight (I missed a session last week) and do a make up session before my normal session...so 2 hours of zumba.  I can do it!  I did 4 hours (or more) back in July....OUTSIDE under the sun and in the heat!  I need to do something else though...2 days of workouts is NOT enough each week.  I need to push it up a notch.  

My weekly goal for this week...exercise THREE times.  And no...as much as I want to cheat and count my double workout tonight as two times...NOPE...counting it as ONE.

Where I'm at

I'm not in a good place.  I am disgusted with myself.  I'm saddened by the fact that I did something that I swore I would never do (regain the weight).  I'm mad at my body for the signs and symptoms that the added weight have returned to me.  I'm angry at the addiction that seems to take over.   But in the same breath, I feel anger at myself for not being able to control my addiction.

I think what makes it worse is that I've felt the taste of thinness.  I've felt what it feels like to live without weight related aches and pains.  I've tasted the the sweetness and I want it back!!!!!

My eating has actually been within my points range both on Monday and Tuesday.  Admittedly, Monday while it had lots of fruits and veggies was a little heavy on carbs.  Tuesday, I got in an hour of tennis and an hour of zumba.....but I had a really late dinner (9PM).  But I was within my points allotment for the day. So taht's good.   I'm trying!  I hope that I can see some progress on the scales SOON!

Wow....it's been just about two weeks....lots to talk about

Wow, has it ever been a long time since I last wrote.  What a whirlwind.   On September 2, 2010 at 6PM, my vacation officially began.  I relaxed that evening, but the next morning started the mad pace of activity.  I had set a goal to at least maintain my weight on my vacation. I knew it was going to be difficult.  But I was hoping!   I just looked back...the monday before my vacation started I was at 229.0.  So that was my starting point.

Friday, the first day of vacation dawned bright.  Todd and I headed out early and hit up Lowes to buy supplies for our home improvement projects and then quickly headed back to the house to begin.  The projects?   Replace the front door (and when we replaced the front door....we actually cut away and reframed the doorway so that we could put in a standard sized door....more work, but better), replace the soft subfloor in the kitchen and entryway, put in new linoleum in the laundry room and lay the wood flooring in the entryway and kitchen.  So some pretty big projects. We worked ALL day on Friday.  So much so that I ended up getting a sub from the local shop (the only one in Sharpsburg) and then for dinner I went back to the same place and picked up more food (chicken tenders for me).  Saturday, we cancelled our plans to go to the Rennasaince festival in order to get the front door more secure and to finish the sub floor.  Breakfast...at home.  Lunch (sheetz sandwiches that I picked up while out running an errend).  Dinner Chinese food.  So the first few days of vacation were not to stellar on eating.  The only saving grace?   I was up and moving from literally sun up to sun down.

Sunday rolled around and we pulled out of the house bright and early and headed South.  Our first stop?  Staunton, VA....and to be more specific, The Frontier Culture Museum.  We were there for a few hours, walking and seeing everything that they had to offer.





We left the Frontier Culture Museum and went to eat at the restaurant "Country Cookin'  I ordered the 'sides  bar' and did pretty well with a salad and lots of veggies.  I did indulge in desserts there. (I had said I would indulge in desserts two times on my vacation, Country Cookin' was one of them).  We left the restaraunt and walked through the mall and then headed into the historic area of Staunton.  We walked all around Staunton for a few hours and then finally hit up the hotel.  We ate dinner (Mill Tavern Restaurant...where I had a vegetable pasta dish...but we split a cheese spinach dip appetizer) and then went back to the hotel where I worked out in the fitness center for 40 minutes and then went swimming for 40 minutes.  Drinks (2 for me) in the bar and we called it a night....exhausted from all the walking.

Monday dawned and we headed out.  Breakfast at a little dinner in Staunton (chocolate chip pancakes for me) and then off to Charlottesville, VA.  Our first stop was Monticello (Thomas Jefferson's home).   We were there from around 9Am until about 3:30. 



The plan was to leave Monticello and hit up the Mitchie Tavern for a late lunch and then tour the old tavern.  Sadly enough, we got to the tavern at exactly 3:30...they close the restaraunt at 3:30.   So we simply toured the tavern.


After the tour we decided that we were not dying of hunger so we decided to hit up Ash Lawn Highland (Monroes Home).

On the way home, we couldn't (ok...Todd couldn't) resist hitting up an winery....Jefferson Orchards.


We ended up eating at Chili's on the way home.  We split the chips and salsa as an appetizer and I got a BBQ chicken meal.

Tuesday.....right back at it with laying the flooring.  Lunch was at home....I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some pasta salad that I had made early in the morning.  Dinner....veggies and rice.  I did make it to Zumba that evening!

Wednesday was a day of errands in town.....I weighed myself in the morning and found that I was at 235 pounds.  YIKES. not good...I was so active with all that walking...I was shocked and worried.  Lunch....A veggie burrito at Southwestern Moe's.....dinner....can't remember.  We played an hour of tennis in the afternoon...and I went to zumba.

Thursday, I did groceries in the morning... and in the afternoon we unloaded the van, reorganized our sound equipment and reloaded the van.....lunch was at Quizno's (pesto turkey torpedo) and dinner was a sub from battleview.

Friday....off again.  We headed to Lancaster County, PA.  We did all the normal things like headed to Wilburs for a piece of chocolate (we ate in Lititz beside Wilburs ...i had a turkey croissant sandwich and a cup of soup), and Intercourse for the canning company and the kettle kitchen.  We took a buggy ride and then headed to The Green Dragon.  After the Green Dragon, we checked into our hotel and relaxed before heading out to dinner at Stoudts (a restaraunt/brewery)  I had a salad, stuffed chicken (all marinated in the octoberfest beer) mashed potatoes and steamed veggies.   We took a drive and ended up visiting a small towns festival where we stayed to hear a bit of live music before heading back to the hotel.


Saturday we were up and running. After breakfast at a local diner (chipped beef gravy and home fries) Our first stop was the Ephrata Cloisters.  We walked and toured that for a few hours...then headed to Bird-in-hand where we went to the farmers market there.   We had a little time to kill so we headed to Strasburg and enjoyed the steam engine a bit before heading to the American Music Theater to see the house band's current show.  We ate Dinner at Jakey's BBQ...where I had BBQ'd chicken, some chicken corn soup, macaroni salad and corn fritters.  I had said that I WOULD have a piece of shoofly pie as my second dessert...so I also had some pie.   We drove home and that day was over.







Sunday started at 5AM.  We were running sound for a fundraiser for the fallen heros organization.  It was a long day.  Unloading the van, setting up gear....running the sound...tearing down.  But for a good cause.  :-)

Monday...back to work......boooo   But I weighed myself yesterday morning  229.4.  So for two weeks...of which 10 days I was on vacation, I only gained .4....I conside that a victory.   I know that my weight will flucuate greatly the next few days as I get myself back onto a good routine....drinking my water and eating right.   I didn't exercise yesterday.  But this morning I have already played tennis for an hour....and tonight is my zumba night.  WOO HOOO!

Peace

The potomac, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I have not given up. I"m still trying to eat healthy. It's difficult sometimes. I'm also making a real effort to get exercise back into my daily routine. I went walking on monday, on Wednesday I rode the exercise bike and this morning I drug myself (and my husband) out of bed for trip to the tennis courts.

But mostly, of late, I'm trying to find peace within myself. Peace with everything that's going on.....most of which I have little or no control over. Peace.......HIGHLY UNDERRATED!

I haven't given up.  Although my actions of the last few days would indicate thus.  Today, my weight is at 229.0 pounds.  I'm back on track hot and heavy......I'm worried, because it is easier for me to keep things under control with the daily routine of work.   And starting Thursday at 6PM, my vacation starts.  It is so tempting and so easy to eat out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Some days I'll almost have to as we travel and are out and about.  So I'm quite nervous.  But I'm going to do it! 

Exercise.....well, I did start my training...and then I forgot all about it.  Oh I kept saying I had grand plans to go out and jog...or go out and do something.  But grand plans only get you so far.....implementation is much more important.  (well, you can't implement something if you don't have grand plans.....so how about I say implementation is the thing that makes or breaks the grand plan).

The stress that I'm under is getting pretty bad.  When I was teaching, my throat would tighten up....and I would have difficulty swallowing and not so much breathing, but it was uncomfortable.  That was all stress induced.  I'm struggling with the same thing now.  When the situation that is causing the stress rears it's ugly head, my throat closes up.   I try to force myself to relax and to mentally reopen that throat...but that's sometimes easier said than done when the stress keeps smackin' you in the face.   In all honesty, I'm freaked out.  I know how close to the edge I was when I was teaching and my throat did that......  The only thing I wish would happen?  When it got to that point, I was eating pretty much anything and everything, but the weight dropped off of my body.  Literally a pound or two a day.......that would be nice.  LOL   But no, not healthy...and no, as much as I'd like to lose the weight quickly....that's NOT how I need to be doing it!

Talking to some of my zumba girls last night after our class and I mentioned that me legs felt heavy.  Just heavy.  I didn't have the umphf last night.  Nothing hurt...but I just felt weighted down.  Well, this morning....yeah, I hurt.  Not sure why.  We did do a whole bunch of different songs, so I could have been using my muscles slightly differently than normal.  But I think it goes back to the beginnings of  my training.  My knees are sore and my shins are sore.  Is it going to stop me?   Heck no!   I had already decided to not go to zumba tonight.  When I decided to do two nights of Zumba a week, I had made the commitment to do every Tuesday night....and Wednesdays when I could....depending on my husbands schedule.  Up until now, it's not been bad.  Yeah, he may be off on Tuesday and Wednesday nights...but as long as he had off another night close by...well, I've not worried about it.  So this week....well, I haven't had an evening (or day for that matter) with my husband since a week ago this past Monday....and the upcoming schedule isn't looking much better.  Literally I'm usually asleep when he gets home...and he's asleep when I wake up.  If we are awake at the same time....one of us is groggy and ready to fall asleep or having just awoken.  Soooo I'm skipping zumba tonight.

I'm starting to worry about something....my mental capacity.  I don't think I'm as sharp as I used to be.  I don't know if it's becuase I'm working a job that really doesn't require me to use much brain power or if I'm simply getting old or if there is some defieciency in my diet or life that is causing me to feel sluggish mentally.  Whatever it is...I'm kinda worried about it. 

My weight....227 and some change this morning.  So slighly better than Monday.  That's what I like to see...progress.  

The plan of attack

I made it to the gym last night...I had some errends in town while I was there, so my workout got cut short, but it was all good.  I have my current pace for a mile.  14 minutes for a mile.  So conceivably, I would run a 5K in 45 minutes.   I say conceivably...becuase addmittedly, I get tired so I start to slow down and I start to walk more. 

Sooooo my plan of attack:

1.  Work on endurance...I have to be able to be consistent with my 3 miles....being able to do my 14 minute mile consistently for the whole 3.1 miles.

2.  Push myself to run more and walk less. (my first mile I did really good last night...ran four walked one...but that started dropping as the time progressed)

3.  Speed it up.  last night I did my walk at 3.5...and my run (jog) at 5.    As they said in the episode of I Love Lucy while she was in the chocolate factory "Speed 'er up!"

4.  When I'm on a treadmill, try to increase my inline. (I did some of my run on a slight incline...it really did make a difference).  I've read that when on a treadmill, that doing a slight incline helps make a treadmill run more like a road run.

Sooo there is my plan.  I have my base test results.....now to improve.

Tonight is Zumba!  YIPPEE!  

My eating...under control yesterday.  I did have a treat of ice cream last night, but well within my budget of food points!

Not as bad

It wasn't all that good....but it was better than I expected.   What am I talking about????  Why the scales this morning!  228.0

Yes, that's up......but let me review my week.  And before I continue, let me say that I'm NOT making excuses.  I am the one responsible for what I ate and how much I shovelled into my mouth. Me and me alone is responsible for losing that very fine layer of self control that I had exhibited in the preceding weeks. 

I've alluded to some pretty massive stress happening in my life....it was bad at the beginning of last week....and it just grew and turned into one ball of worry and frustration over the weekend.  I worked at trying to keep it under control.  I really did.  I had all sorts of activities and projects planned for myself.  I painted the bathroom, I moved all the furniture in the bedroom, I cleaned the rest of the house, I went out on a little photo shoot, I read a book, I slept in, I pondered what pictures to print up for my newly painted bathroom...then got them printed...then matted and framed them and of course then hung them on the wall.  I blew through most of my list on Saturday....and I didn't eat all that much on Saturday.  But then my day of relaxing came...Sunday, i did laundry and loafed around the house.....and practically ate the cupboards bare.  I didn't even touch the fresh fruit that I had picked up on Saturday.  I ate bread, bread and more bread.  I ate ice cream, pasta, twizzlers, marshmallows.  And I drank literally less than 16 ounces of water.....or any liquid for that matter.   So my weekend was just not conducive to a good number on the scale.

But I'll be honest.....my week preceding the weekend wasn't either.  I ate out with family, I ate at home, I ate on the run, I didn't get to eat at normal times so I ate at weird hours...when I was REALLY hungry (thus tending to overeat)......I ate from stress......I just didn't do all that well.

Soooo, this morning I was expecting to be up in the 230's...easy when I stepped onto the scales.  I was very happy to see 228.   Yes, that's still about 2 pounds...but it could have been worse.   I'll take my gain...declare 228.0 my weight and move on!

I have my workout clothes here at work, so I can change into them and head up to the gym immediately.  I know me, if I go home first...I won't leave!  So I'm heading STRAIGHT for the gym.  I plan on hopping on the treadmill and pushing myself with a jog/walk combo.  Gotta get ready for my turkey trot on Thanksgiving day.......and yippee......I have a friend that is also training and aiming to run it with me.  (Hi Sherry!)  So I'm motivated to run this thing....and I'm motivated by having a partner.  A win win in my book.

Three months and two days until Thanksgiving (yikes, I need to start working on Christmas gifts for my nieces and nephew as we will exchange Christmas gifts that week since we won't see them over Christmas).  Three months.....10 pounds a month.....which is 2.25 pounds a week..........pretty stiff goal. But if I'm running at least three times a week....and zumba at least two times a week...that's a good amount of exercise!  Plus I want to get some time in on the bike....I have bike rides coming up next year...I can't allow my biking legs (muscles) to get totally out of whack!   At the worst, I'm aiming for 20 pounds.  But 30 pounds would get me past that 200 pound mark.  Ohhh I can almost taste the wonderful feeling of being in onederland again!

I do have some challenges coming up in my new and improved plan.  Number one, I no longer have the motivation of weight watchers meetings...I will still be following that plan...but they changed the meeting times on me and I can't attend each week....and honestly, paying $40 a month to go to 1-2 meetings.  Not worth it.  Number two.....in a week and a half (or something close to that) I'll be on vacation.  Todd and I are planning to spend most of it at home, working around the house and yard.  If our itinerary remains what it is right now, I'll still be able to make it to my zumba both Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.   Toward the beginning of our vacation time, we will be going to Staunton, VA....toward the end of our vacation, we'll be heading to Lancaster....just short hops both times. BUT,  both hotels we are staying in DO have a fitness centers and pools (one indoor, one outdoor).   So I have no excuse to NOT exercise.  Plus, both are located in REALLY scenic areas that if I wanted to, I could conceivable go outside for a jog.    So if I can stay motivated with my exercise, it will simply be a thing of managing my eating.  YIKES....that's difficult.  (both of those mini trips, will have a fair amount of walking in them at least).   But you know what.......that is just ONE week (OK, 10 days) out of the next three months.....even if I fail that week (not planning on it), I have many more weeks to hold it together and succeed!

There is no excuse for my weight. It's up. No excuse whatsoever. I will say that for the last few days I've let my super crazy days and the stress of what is happening in my life along with the shock and stress of the doctors issue really get to me...and I've eaten. I haven't gone hog wild...but I've not eaten my fruits and veggies. I've eaten much more carbs and bad stuff than I should have been eating. I'm just not playing the game. That changes. I am going to do my best today...today is another crazy day...one in which I don't have much say in what foods are set in front of me to eat. I do however have control of how much of those said foods I eat. (I left the house early this morning....and I won't be home until late tonight). I do vow to do the best I can. However, tomorrow marks a time when some of the craziness should be over....tonight is the last hurrah (my brother leaves tomorrow...boo hooo, but that means that I won't be working mad hours and then running up to spend every other waking minute with them....eating in my car on the way from one place to another...etc etc etc). I'm determined to eat healthy ...super healthy. Back to an overabundance of fruits and veggies. Good stuff only!

Shock

Life...Stop already. I'm done!

I'm tired of the stress, the worries that have been weighing me down. Then yesterday we recieve a letter from the Cancer Center at our local hospital. It was addressed to my husband and asked him to fill out a form about his health for the tumor registry. What? Ohh they must have made a mistake and gotten his information from the 'family of cancer patients' file. We've received stuff from them after his mother passed away from cancer...so I figured they got their wires crossed somewhere. But we thought we would call to let them know of this collosal error. I mean, you don't send out letters to survivors of cancer to people that have never had cancer. So we called.....and the lady that answered the phone was very nice....but she quickly set us straight and rattled off the date and test that todd had (one of many...but apparently THE ONE) of a test where they found and removed small cancerous rumor. A carcinoid to be exact..... We knew they saw some polyps...and that they would call us if anything was wrong...but we never got a call...we never heard the "C" word. YIKES! So since everything was fine with that test...and with a battery of other tests that he went through, we stopped going to the doctor. We always wondered why the doctor was concerned....but he was so vague...that's all he would say "I'm very concerned". But all the tests were clean...so we never understood! So fast forward 4 almost 5 years down the road...and we find out that indeed they removed a cancerous tumor. The GOOD news..and yes, indeed there is good news. To treat a carcinoid, the doctor removes the carcinoid and that is the end of the treatment....so if indeed it was removed, all should be ok. The bad news........follow up visits and tests to monitor were/are required and highly recommended. We had none of that. So waht has happened in the last 5 years? Yes, we are finding a NEW doctor. And yes, we will be going to the doctor ASAP. Sooo not cool.

To top it off......our phone and internet was out today...so I called to work to let them know that i was waiting for the repair man and thus had to take time. I got read the riot act for needing to take a personal day. Hello....this is not time I've had to take time for some emergency...and I'm laid low for it. This is getting old! they did get here and fix our cable (internet and phone) and I actually made it to work ontime...but if I didn't know that I'll probably be needing time off to take todd to doctors and tests (some of those tests I know he won't be allowed to drive afterward) I would have stayed home the rest of the day....but I'll make wise use of my benefit time that's left.

Forgot to weigh myself in the hustle and bustle of life this morning.....blech

Fear and a lesson learned

I've learned a valuable lesson. My normal eating habits are to eat light for breakfast....mostly fruits and veggies for lunch and then a normal meal. I'm satisfied (fruits and veggies are low cal/points...but I eat a lot of them) and I feel like I still get to eat normally. It works for me. When I started Zumba, I would pack a pb&j sandwich or some snack to eat on the way up the road to the class. Last week I didn't. Midway through the class...BOTH days, My stomach started to hurt. I pushed the discomfort aside and just pushed through. Both days, I drove home and my met my husband there.....he had already finished preparing dinner and it was on the table waiting for me. I remember one night I actually wondered how I was going to eat, as my stomach was bothering me. But I ate...and miraculously, the stomach ache went away. Could it be?? NOOOOO. So last night, at zumba...the same thing happened. I faced the music.....I don't want to say I was starving myself (no possible since I HAD eaten lunch)....but my body needed something more before a good workout. I pushed through the workout.....noticing that on songs that I really like, where I get lost in the choreography and moves, my stomach didn't hurt...but that on songs that I'm not overly fond of...my mind wandered and my stomach hurt. I had to run to Target after work...I ran in and I was hit with the smell of popcorn! I quickly did my business....my stomach just in knots with discomfort. I decided to take a chance. (thinking that it really was hunger.....and not a 'real' bellyache). On the way out of the store, I stoppped into the snack bar area. I grabbed a turkey and cheese sandwich and yes, the popcorn also. No, I dind't have the points for both of them (one...not both). But I dind't care. I ate some popcorn on the way to the car. The first couple bites caused my stomach to hurt worse....but soon, blessed relief. I ate the popcorn and the sandwich on the way home. Sooooo, the lesson of the day......eat something right before Zumba. And no.....I've NEVER been able to tell when I'm 'hungry'. My body has never received those signals taht say I'm hungry or satisfied. I bypass those stages and go right to 'pain'. And that's with feeling hungry and feeling full!

Fear.....fear holds me back in so many ways within my life. I'm often afraid to try new things becuase of fear. I hesitate to put myself out there...because of fear. It's fear of the unknown. Fear of making a fool of myself. Fear fear fear. I don't like living my life this way. I'm TRYING to step out of my comfort zone and confront those fears head on. In April or May, I finally took a friends advice and tried Zumba. I swallowed my fear. I had never taken an exercise class before because of.....FEAR. Fear of looking foolish. Fear of doing something stupid. Fear of trying something new. Fear of doing it all alone. I went to my first class.....a scared little bunny. (scared fat bunny?) And you know what??? I found out that I really liked it. It wasn't scary. It wasn't bad. Yeah, I looked silly, but everyone does at one point or another. I faced my fears and went to the zumba-thon thing by myself...and had fun AND got in a great 3 hour workout! I was scared....I had to do something by myself. FEAR. I was afraid to ride in my first bike event...and found I liked that a lot also! And yes, I'm fearful of running a 5K.....the actual running, the actual event....everything. But I'm going to push myself out of my comfort zone and do it.....I don't want to live in fear anymore....and even if I am fearful....I don't want to allow it to rule my life anymore!

That said....I'm having a difficult time finding information about the turkey trot. I thought I saw the info for this years (the 10th annual) but yesterday when I looked online, I saw nothing about this year. I hope they are doing it...and if not...I'll find another one to do....no worries about that!

STOP and regroup

I'm gonna do it. Ok, let me amend that. I'm going to try. Why I am changing from the absolute to the 'try' in my sentence is because of the fact that I do have problems with athritis in my knees. So I know that running may actually turn into something not so pretty. But, I want to do it. I want to conquer it and say "been there, done that" I want to push myself forward and step out of my comfort zone. I know that my love and my 'baby' will most likely remain bike riding. (And Donna....I'm planning on Girls with Gears again next year.....as well as Pedal to Preserve....so get your butt on the bike!!!.....and by the way, check her out when you get the chance...she's one amazing lady!)

My eating of late has not been good. I've not been totally off kilter. But I'm just not 100% on target with my eating. I'm vowing her and now to change that. My head hasn't been in the game for the last few days. I don't know if it's stress.....or if it's just the craziness (my brother and his family are in the area visiting, so I've been working....OT included.....and rushing around trying to spend as much time with them as possible). But, honestly...I think the biggest part is that I slipped up in my focus and once you lose sight of that focus, things spiral. I've only been spiralling for a day or two...but I want to STOP it right now before it gets out of hand! So I'm regrouping and refocusing!

Lofty? Or just perfect?

Whew....what a weekend. I spent it with my brother and his kids (and my parents). I didn't eat the best. So my weight was up a little bit this morning (I've got the picture at home ready..but I ran out of time to upload it before coming to work today...I'll post it later tonight).

I'm actually looking forward to my week so that I can get back in the routine of eating healthy and nutritiously. Yeah, shocks the heck out of me too.

Emotionally things are still crazy...but I'm going to redouble my efforts to take care of ME!

I'm really seriously contemplating training to run a 5K. There is one on Thanksgiving day. It's called the Turkey Trot. That would give me 3 months and 1 week. Is that enough time? Right now I'm just barely one click above walking....a slow jog....and I don't jog continuously. Hmmmmmm Is this too lofty?

On the fence?????

I forgot to weigh myself this morning. Yeah, that's the truth...not an excuse. I was actually thinking about it....but for some reason my routine got all catawumpus and I was dressed and eating breakfast and went ....woah doggie, I dind't weigh myself today. Not a big deal. But I'm curious as to what my weight is.

I haven't calculated last nights food yet...but I feel as if I'm skirting on the edge of not eating right. I've been within my points.....and I've had more than the recommended 5 servings of fruit and veggies each day. But Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have had ice cream in the evening (Fat free on two nights and a ww sundae cup the other night). last night, my family carted dinner down to my house and we ate. I actually probably didn't do as badly as I thought, but I just feel like I'm on the edge...and I need to reign it back in. I can do it...I KNOW I can do it....but I'll be honest, it's gonna be hard this weekend as I'll be up at my mom and dad's all weekend (except for sleeping) to be with my brother, his wife and their kids. That means being confronted with all the goodies that my mom has in the house for them. Being confronted with fast food meals when they go out for lunch. Mom a lot of the time makes fresh homemade bread to go with dinner.....yum. But I lose control and eat and eat and eat of the bread. So it will be a field of land mines. But I'm determined to walk away with a success under my belt.

Thighs are a bit sore today.....muscle wise. Not to worry, I'm sadistic enough that I like the burn of a sore muscle...it says to me that I've done something good for my body!

I'm feeling somewhat better today....still really blue and somewhat depressed, but somewhat better. I know, intrinsically at least that I am not a 'bad' person, that I am worth every ounce of effort that I put into myself. I need to learn to not allow external situations and factors cause me to stumble. Easier said than done...but I'll keep working on it.....and remember what I KNOW to be true (inside at least). SOooo thankful for my friends though....yesterday I had two really good friends reach out and remind me of who I am and what I'm worth. (thanks!)

After work last night, I headed to Zumba. I pushed myself as much as possible. I was a little flat footed the last part of the hour...I just felt like I didn't have the energy/drive. I pushed through it though and did it.

Last night, set the alarm for 6AM so that I could go to the gym. At 5:50 a driving, torrential downpour woke me up. Ok, I'm not walking outside in that if I could help it. So I turned off the alarm. I woke up again at 6:45...it was no longer raining...so I roused Todd and we headed off to the gym. I started on the treadmill. I have decided to step back into jogging. It's been since April (I think the last time was April...maybe May) since I jogged. I had started out way back when with 2 minutes jogging and roughly 3 minutes recovery (walking). I had built it up and could actually do pretty good. Still taking small recovery walks (1 minutes for every 9 jogged is where I think I was before I got sidetracked). I thought I would be back to square one. I mean, I haven't done much exercise (other than Zumba for months). So I hopped on....warmed up a few minutes with walking and then took off (ok ok ok, I didn't take off....I did step it up to a jog....I'm now where near FAST...it's a SLOW jog). I decided to just go. I made it 1 minute...then 2...then 3. I stopped at 8 and walked for 2. I was pretty tickled with myself. The rest of the time was 5 minutes jogged, 2 minutes walked...back and forth. After my time on the treadmill, I moved to a bike and pushed myself. I had a heart rate I wanted to stay at...(I set the bike up to adjust automatically to keep me there) and I pushed myself to maintain 100RPM's the whole time. So I pushed it there too.

Eating....doing ok. No real slip ups. Nothing really bad. All is good.Weight is actually holding somewhat steady this week thus far.

Self worth

I have no idea where this post came from or why...other than maybe I just needed to say it out loud to myself.....

Loving ourselves....self esteem.

That's a really difficult thing to do sometimes. But it's so necessary because if we don't care and love ourselves, then we tend to not want to take the time and effort necessary to make the changes (and turn them into habits) for weight loss and a healthy lifestyle.

I've been kicked to the ground a bunch of times in my adult life. Starting with college when I was told by the resident director that people hated me...that 'people see you walking toward them and they move to the other side of the hall/street to get away from you'. Yes, that is a quote of just one of the many things that were spouted off to me. I sunk into a depression and actually believed what had been said to me. My friends gathered around me and told me time and time again that it was NOT true....and that it was the work of a jealous person that was good friends with the RD. I learned the value of TRUE friends...but it was still a real blow to my self esteem.

Fast forward through years of trying to get a teaching job....rejection upon rejection. A good friend stabbing me in the back. (not literally...quite figuratively). A job teaching that turned really really bad. That pushed me once again into a depression....and rocked me to the core, totally knocking my already fragile self esteem. I'm currently in a situation that is threatening to destroy what is left of my self worth. I'm struggling...I'm angry at God about situation...but I'm trying to not focus on that anger or the way that this situation is making me feel (worthless....unworthy...etc etc etc) and to take time for myself, to make sure I am at least operating daily as if I cared about myself.....It's a hard hard battle to fight....right now I'm just fakin' in.

That said....my weight is holding steady thus far this week. I'm happy about that. I did my hour of zumba last night and I will go again tonight. This morning I bee-bopped around the house vacuuming, steam vac'ing the carpets, sweeping and mopping, laundry, etc etc etc. So at I'm getting my activity in. Thinking about trying to make it to the gym tomorrow morning! I've got to make exercise a priority in my daily routine!

Songs

When I was at the gym the other day, I had my ipod on shuffle and I ended up hearing some songs that I haven't really listened to in ages. It got me to thinking about songs that at one point or another have meant something to me in my weight loss efforts. Lyrically speaking that is....

Ironically enough, many of mine are songs by Chicago....

Stone of Sisyphus (the link has the lyrics and the song to listen too)

The back ground of Sisyphus is that he was a Greek King that was being punished. His punishment was to roll a large boulder up a hill, only to get to the top and watch the boulder roll right back to the bottom......and thus he had to start again. (fitting for this journey sometimes right).

The lyrics of the song include this segment "A dream is make believe until;
Blood, sweat, and tears turn pain to will;It's gonna take some doing for me:
To show them the way." .....this song just hit me.


Feeling Stronger Every day.
Yes, this song is more about 'love'. But for me, it's a love song to myself...through this journey I've had to learn (and relearn) to love myself....and with each day, I'm making myself stronger every day, physically and emotionally.


Alive Again

Once again, a song that kinda preaches to me as I've tried to learn to once again love myself....and in the process have come alive....because at my heaviest, I was nothing more than dead.

There are tons more songs that have had meaning for me during my journey.....but those three songs popped into my head the other day while exercising....and more than any others, they (mainly the first two) are the ones that really speak to me.

Monday Madness

Well, my weekend is over. I did fairly well over the weekend with my eating. Saturday I was spot on AND I even made it to the gym. Sunday, well...Sunday was a bit more rough as my brother and his family is in town. They went out for lunch. (fast food....arrggghh). I ate a salad with grilled chicken on top and the nectarine that I took with me. Dinner was out to eat once again. We went to a place where you CAN order off the menu, but they have a buffet. Everyone ordered the buffet. So even though I kinda wanted the grilled veggies and the baked potato, I was like a blind sheep following the crowd and I ordered the buffet. I didn't do tooo badly...but still over my points I'm sure. Off the buffet I had a salad, some cottage cheese and small scoop of potato salad. I had a small scoop of mashed potatoes, a small scoop of macaroni and cheese some pineapple and a piece of watermelon. I had some soft serve ice cream and I had a roll with butter. I did have a bite of my mom's lemon cake at dinner and a bit of her cinnamon roll at lunch. ONE bite of each...she offered more, but I stuck with one bite. So, even though I followed suit, I did the best I could. I KNOW that I should have stood up and ordered what I wanted (ironically enough, there was one person that DID order off the menu....not me). Ingrained habits......everyone was ordering the buffet and that is what I would have ordered for YEARS of my life....so I just slipped back into the role that I know so well....not the roll that I WANT to be habit!

I did get lots of exercise. My brothers kids are 10, 7 and 3...so I got some jumping, dancing, wrestling, croquette playing and even a 3 mile hike on the canal in yesterday. Ohh yes, and I got some pictures of the kids.....

I was freakin' out about m weight. I ate out TWO times yesterday and while I did 'ok', I still ate differently. Part of my panic is because today is weigh in day for a challenge that I am involved in. There is no ifs ands or buts, I have to weigh in today.....with pictures included. YIKES. I had also made the vow that I would start posting my weight on my blog each Monday. This is one of my plans that I am putting into place as I've pretty much reconciled myself to giving up my weight watchers membership due to the fact that the meeting times have been changed to something that is just not feasible for me. Soooo I did it....I stepped on the scales, I took the picture. I took my full body (or close to it) picture. I am planning on posting a picture like this (full body AND picture of the scale) each week on Monday...or as close to Monday as humanly possible....(only changing the date if I am away and unable....NOT because I ate too much the previous night). I hope and pray that knowing that there are people out there waiting on my report will help keep me accountable...and PLEASE ask if I don't post!

So are you ready?????

Excess

It's obvious that I can easily eat to excess. A person rarely gets to over 300 pounds without eating to excess on occasion. However, last night I began to think about excess eating. Let me set the scenario. I made Todd a hamburger on the grill (I don't eat beef) and I had corn on the cob and breaded and baked zucchini...and watermelon for dinner. I ate and ate and ate corn on the cob. I think I ended up eating 7 or 8 ears. The last ear is where my thought processes started to kick in. Did I eat corn on the cob in excess of what I SHOULD have eaten. Yes, it was my 'main dish'. In my general opinion, eating something that's healthy for you, meaning fruit and veggies; it is not possible to eat in excess on those. I didn't get fat from eating too much corn on the cob, or too many green beans, or even from eating too many strawberries (which I can put away..). But is my thinking skewed? No, I didn't eat until I was sick. I wasn't in a corn induced sickness last night. I was pleasantly full. :-)

Soooooo excess eating......is it still bad if it's fruits and vegetables? (the question is aimed at a healthy adult...not a diabetic or someone that needs to watch sugars in fruit)

fruit follies

I promise...no more talk about clothes....or bras...or whatever....that's over!

I had a bit of a panic this morning....my well stocked, full of fruit refrigerator is no longer well stocked with fruit. ARRRGGHHH I still have some nectarines and some cantaloupe. I have been craving corn on the cob (again, is what my husband said...but it's soooo yummy...and honestly, I haven't had it in about a week and a half......and wait a minute, he has been craving hamburgers and eating them numerous times a week...sometimes even more than once a day...and he complains about corn on the cob???). I went out to buy some from our local farmer...no corn! I went to another place....no corn!!! I'm in a state of panic. One place said that they should have corn in a few hours. So on my lunch break, I'm gonna go and see if they have some. Crossing my fingers. I did pick up another watermelon and another cantaloupe to help refill the fridge!

My weight was up a bit this morning. I know I didn't drink all of my water yesterday but we also ate out. I had....ohhh do I have to admit it?????? OK ok ok, we went to Red Lobster. Now, since I don't eat seafood, pork, or beef, I had the option of two entrees. I ended up with cajun chicken alfredo. Yeah yeah yeah....beat me up....alfredo = extra pounds. Ohhh yeah, and of course I had 2 biscuits. When they asked if we wanted more, I did decline the second basket of biscuits, I know if they had been set on the table, that I would have wolfed those down also. I actually wasn't to far over my points for the day because I had eaten pretty much fruit and veggies for breakfast and lunch. OK, not pretty much...I had eaten only fruit and veggies for breakfast and lunch. (hey, that's what tickled my taste buds yesterday). So the fat, and the sodium in processed restaurant foods PLUS the water issue....and my weight is up. Hopefully it drops again. Wait, that was stupid...of course it's going to drop again. I'm working the plan and thus it WILL drop again.

Exercise.....I was getting into my car this morning and I realized that I keep saying that I'm going to kick my exercise into high gear....but in reality the only 'formal' exercise I'm getting is my two nights of zumba. That HAS to be rectified!

So I talked yesterday about the sports bra and my purchase of a new one that I liked. All was good. I went to zumba last night and I had a problem of a different kind. I had learned the hard way a year or so ago that commando is not always the best option while exercising. I also learned (but didn't write about) the fact taht certain underwear are not conducive to zumba. So I'm always very cognizant of what underwear I put on before zumba. But last night...my SHORTS kept riding in weird and uncomfortable ways. No fears, I just picked the zumba induced wedgie out (ok, so it wasn't a wedgie...the shorts kept getting twisted or something) and kept rolling. So really, seriously...what is the best option out there for zumba.....inquiring minds want want to know. I'll keep trying my different clothes until I hit upon the magical outfit. Of course as soon as I figure that out, I'll lose and the clothes will be too big. Good problem though.
My weight was lookin' good this morning! WOo hooo!!!

What's rolling around in my head.

No deep thoughts today. No wild advice. Not much in my head right now.....well, not about weight loss. What's in my head......a song that we have been dancin'/exercisin' to in Zumba the last two weeks. "Man with a Hex". Just a fun one to workout to. What else is in my head....well, honestly, that's just it. And I'm sitting here at work my leg jiggling wanting to get up and move to the song that is pounding through my thoughts!

I got to thinkin'....the songs that I am wanting to add to my ipod/iphone (and/or..probably both)are actually songs that get in my head at zumba...and while they are in my head, I just want to get up and MOVE. I REALLY need to get these songs downloaded ASAP....because if I'm cleaning and they start playing....don't you think I will shake my 'booty' a little bit more? Hey, every extra shake is an extra calorie burned!!!!

Oh yes, I'm also thinking about my new sports bra. (Sorry guys). I was walking through the dreaded Walmart the other day (yeah, I very rarely go in there...I prefer Target) and I saw the sports bras. In that split second I decided that I needed a new sports bra. Mine are started to get old and ratty. I started looking and I decided to break from the traditional 'tube sock wrapped around your boobs' style sports bra and went with one that is actually shaped and molded for a more comfortable fit (danskin...and it was only 10 or 11 bucks).....thus you have less of a uni-boob with this one. So I figured I'd try it. Well, I actually liked it. :-) So I'm thinking about that too (and about going back to get another one...lol)

So there you have it...my mindless thoughts for the day. I'm still holding in there strong. I'll be going out to lunch today...but I'm sure that I'll be able to navigate and find something healthy wherever we end up going AND/OR manage what I eat by countering it with a REALLY healthy dinner (I had fruit for breakfast so I'm off to a good start).

Shift in mentality

Yay, my weight dropped this morning so now I've recouped that 'false gain' that I showed on Saturday at Weight Watchers (I was showing up 1.8 pounds on Saturday) AND the .4 that I showed yesterday morning. So I'm relieved. Back to the nitty gritty of losing.

I made an interesting observation yesterday evening/this morning. Let me go back to the last few days........Late last week, I went grocery shopping. I picked up my normal assortment of fruit and moved on. The next day I was out and about and some fruit caught my eye, so I bought it. Saturday I went to the city market and just HAD to have the nectarines......and it continued. So I opened my fridge yesterday to get something to eat. It's just jam packed full...of FRUIT! I have watermelon, cantaloupe, kiwi, strawberries (OK, I polished them off last night), cherries, grapes, and clementines. The remnants of a fruit tray from a party the other night came home with me also, as everyone knew that I eat a fair amount of fruit...so add pineapple and honeydew to my list of available fruits. I have fruit coming out of my ears! So what is so interesting about this? I realized that my mentality has shifted back into the RIGHT direction. I didn't just buy the fruit because I HAD to, I bought it because I couldn't resist. I didn't buy snack foods and such...I loaded up on fruits. It used to be the other way around, I would load up on the junk food and the snack food and sometimes wouldn't even buy fruit for weeks at a time...or if I did buy fruit, it would go bad before I would even eat a bite. I've come a long long way.

Shifts in mentality......sometimes we don't even realize that the shift has been made until it's already a done deal, but if we keep on keepin' on, the shift WILL occur.

Find me!

Hagerstown Dancers Add Spice to National Dance Day

Find me in the video!!!!!

The other day I was talking about Zumba and stepping outside of my comfort zone to go to zumba. I stepped outside of my comfort zone again. They had a zumba-thon (that's what I called it). Basically 3 hours with different zumba instructors and different dance/exercise instructors leading short class segments. I decided to go.....even though I would be attending by myself. I don't like to do stuff by myself, it's....well....lets just say that I usually chose to NOT do something versus doing it on my own. Well, not this time. I was going to that thing if it killed me. AND I told myself that I was going to try everything I could possibly try. I was goign to try each instructor. I was going to try each type of dance. I was going to do it all. And I DID. I was just shy of 3 hours of dancing. I ended up having to stop about 5 minutes from the end.....I just got too hot and toooo tired. I had fun. Would I have had more fun if I had a friend to attend with? Yeah, but I did it on my own.

I LOVED the Drumming. Check it out, it's called Drum's Alive. Unfortunately, I dont' belong to the gym that offers it (and they only offer one class which I couldn't make even if I still did belong to that gym).

I've put together another good week. So two good weeks. The scales did NOT show my efforts this week. I battled with the female monthly hormone water retention/weight spike. I also admit that I ate way too many foods that were a bit higher in sodium. So that affected it also. But I refuse to worry.....it's all good and if I continue on the path that I've been on for two whole weeks, the weight WILL drop!

Comfort Zone

Thursday....after today, just one more day to make it to the weekend!!! YAY!

Last night was Zumba. For the first time since I stepped in that stupid ground hog hole in mid June, my foot didn't ache and REALLY hurt. I pushed myself, or rather, I felt like I pushed myself to hop and jump a little more. It's a great exercise class for modifications. If you want to have a lower impact, you tap and side step. You can add a little hop or bounce to your step if you want a little more. And if you are capable and want a full out workout...you can jump and bounce around to your hearts content. I like it because it combines some of the classic dance moves (salsa, merengue, etc etc etc) with fitness moves (kickboxing, lunges, etc etc etc) and combines it all with fun Latin music. The hour really does fly by...and I don't know how anyone could walk out without having worked up a sweat. :-) I have to admit, I was actually rather nervous about going into the class. I had some Friends telling me for WEEKS upon MONTHS to try it. But, I don't dance. I don't merengue or salsa (or any of the other steps). Bellydance? ME? HA HA HA. My butt doesn't shake in a sexy way. When I try to shake my butt, people in neighboring counties run for cover. So yeah, I was sooo skeptical. I started in the back row. And I'll admit, I was LOST. I was left footing it when I should be right footing it. I was going frontwards when I should be going backwards. I was two steps behind at all times. But it was fun. I went back the next week....and I got a little better. I now go twice a week...and no, I still don't think i move with any grace...and when a song calls for a little butt shaking? Well, lets just say I jiggle with the best of them.....and to heck with the people in neighboring counties that may be scared of the incoming flab. It's fun. People that have been there longer than I, still struggle with the choreography sometimes. We just laugh at it. I'm ever so grateful that I took the plunge, stamped down my fear and went to that first class. If anyone reading this has been wanting (or advised by friends, like I was) to try something like this...DO IT! Step out of your comfort zone! I did and I found out that I really do enjoy it.

Makes one wonder.....how else are we keeping ourselves tied up in chains because we are afraid to step out of our comfort zone??????

Stupid weight is up....but when I looked at a calendar, I kinda got a clue was to why.....blech.

I was sitting here in front of a blank screen wondering what to write. I made a vow that I would write in my journal on a daily basis, because I know that it keeps me grounded, it keeps me on track and it's my link to accountability throughout the week. So I sat here KNOWING that it was something that I needed to do....but what to write about?

I could write about the dangers of sodium. Sort-term in regards to the scales. Why would I be thinking about sodium? Because I had popcorn last night...and popcorn without a lot of salt is just not good in my opinion...so when I do it up, I do it up right. I woke up in the middle of the night thirsty and then I woke up absolutely parched this morning. That is usually a sign that I'm already somewhat dehydrated.....and usually means that my weight will be up a pound or two on the scale that day like clockwork. I did step on the scale and I was up, not a pound or two but, by 2/10ths of a pound. So I was actually somewhat happy So anyway, the dangers of salt.....boring. I don't want to write about that.

Zumba! I could write about Zumba. I do really enjoy Zumba. It's a good workout....I go twice a week (Tuesday and Wednesday nights). Yeah, not so much to say about that either.

Stress and it's affects on my weight loss journey? Yeah, I've got some major decisions to make and some stressful situations happening on a daily basis. But you know what...that's negative. I'm trying to not focus on the negative.

So what can I say? I will say that I'm keeping my eating under control. I'm not splurging. I'm not eating my worries and sorrows and yes, tears away. I'm holding staedy. I'm just taking it one day at a time and putting my best foot forward and hoping for.....NO....expecting the best to happen with my weight loss.

Expectations!
What are my expecatations with my weight loss? What do I want to get out of it?

1. Health
2. Happiness
3. Feeling good about myself

I so didn't want to leave the happiness there. Because I KNOW that being thin and losing weight doesn't bring happiness. And I KNOW that I'm setting myself up for failure if I expect it to do so. However, I can't help but hope that my weight loss will magically coincide with happiness. TRUE happiness. But I learned my lesson.....when I reached my goal weight a year or two ago...I expected happiness to cure all of my woes. It would take all my troubles away. Life would just all of a sudden be one wonderful place. Then the crashing realization hit me that these problems that I'm dealing with in my life were not caused by my weight...my weight was simply the scapgoat....and I lost my focus....and regained. I don't know if I've ever said on here how much I've regained...but it's time for total and absolute honesty. I've regained 50 pounds. I'm going to get those 50 pounds off. And this time, while I hope and dream of happiness. I'm not going to pin my happiness on my weight loss. Weight loss will make me happy...but I know that it will not take the situations in my life that cause me unhappiness away.

So there you have it...a post that literally just sprang from my fingertips unbiden.

Worth it!

Am I worth all this work of losing weight? I've talked about it over and over. I've thought about it long and hard. I come up with my response and it's an emphatic YES! I am worth it. Yet, do I ACT like I belive it? I don't think that I do. Why do I say this?

The other day I was home alone and preparing my dinner. I went to the cabinet to see what canned foods that I could pull out for myself. I reached for a can of corn and then I stopped myself. Canned corn is actually icky in comparison to the freshly cut corn from the cob that I freeze for our consumption. I have a freezer shelf full of the good stuff. I would never think of using canned corn in preparing a meal for my husband! I only serve him the good stuff. Why would I therefore revert to the store-bought canned stuff for myself? It really and truely made no sense to me. And yes, I turned around and marched myself to the freezer and I had GOOD corn for my dinner.

Another example that hit me....I spend a decent amount time creating and cooking meals for Todd and I. I enjoy cooking and I enjoy treating him to delicacies that I create. When Todd works in the evening, I do not cook for myself. I throw something together....a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a butter and jelly sandwich, something easy. A big cooking extragavanza for when I'm on my own is making a grilled cheese. That is just plain sad.

So I came to the conclusion this weekend that while I say I'm worth it......I'm not ACTING 100% like I'm worth it.

Intact

I did it.....I made it through a weekend and kept myself totally under control with my eating! TOTALLY...100%. OK ok ok, not 100%, I did splurge and I used 3 of my flex points on Sunday evening. Three points though...not 30 points each day. And three points extra is well within what is still considered 'on plan' with Weight Watchers. WEEEEEEEEEEEE

I was a bit nervous about Sunday. Todd had a cancellation and we ended up going out for lunch. AND I had dinner already planned. I thought and ordered wisely. Salad with grilled chicken, hold the bacon and dressing on the side please and thank you very much. It was a really good salad also. :-)

So here is the kicker.....I realize exactly how much damage my weekends are doing to me now.

My week results for weight watchers showed me with a loss of 2.8 pounds. Respectable. Very respectable. I was quite happy with that. Especially since I weighed in wearing heavier clothes than I normally The 7 days between the previous weigh in and that one had been spent thusly. Day 1 and Day 2....eat with very little control. Day 3-7 Eat healthy and within plan (oh yeah, and that within plan included Pizza Hut...dinner for two...which is a medium pizza, breadsticks, salad and a drink.....and I ate each morsel of my half of the dinner for two). And then weigh in. But my weekend, like all of the previous weekend was one total gorge.

My challenge weight. I weighed in last monday...so today was weigh in day. There shouldn't be a big difference right? I mean, the only difference was a measley two days....a Saturday and a Sunday. BUT, the Saturday and Sunday that was on the weight watchers weigh in week was a dismal failure. On the flip side, the Saturday and Sunday that were included on the challenge weight weigh in were totally on target. Soooo how did I do for my challenge weight???? 4.8 pounds. So my weekend eating is costing me 2 pounds each week? 2 pounds?????? Is any of the food that I'm shovelling in on my weekends worth 2 pounds????? Wow.

************

I'm still not sure what to do about the weight watchers meeting fiasco. I've talked to some friends. I've listened to what everyone is saying here. I've talked to my husband. I honestly go back and forth between my options. I checked, my credit card was just charged for this next month...(as in charged on the 23rd charged...so JUST)...so I'm paid up until September 7th......so I have until August 23rd to cancel should I chose to do so.

*************

Goals for my upcoming week:

1. Stay on plan......
2. Exercise at least 5 times (same goal as last week...last week I exercised 4 times)
3. Begin taking my daily multi-vitamin
4. Don't allow the stress in my life to rule my weight loss journey. The issue that causes the most stress has raised it's ugly head...so this will be difficult.
5. Focus on me...and remember that I'm the one that has the ultimate control over what I eat! Only me! Yeah, there may be situations that make things difficult, but I'm still in control over what I put into my mouth!

************

I've been thinking about rewards again. I need to set up rewards.

So.......

For every pound I lose, I will allow myself to buy a song or something on Itunes. I am usually cheap and don't purchase new music......Going by my Monday weigh in as that's going to be my 'blog' weigh in day. So today I show a 4.8 pound loss...that's 4 songs! The good news about this week....I only have to lose .2 to get another song. :-)

For dropping below 200 pounds again...I'm not sure...but I want it to be something that will be symbolic of me NEVER returning to the two hundreds again. Ohhh a snake skin purse...because snakes SHED their skins????? Something to do with fire? Because that bridege to return is burnt????? Any good ideas?

Unrealistic goals

I was driving up to town this morning for my butt crack of dawn weight watchers meeting and got to thinking about my weekend plans. Those plans? Laundry, clean the house, make a couple meals and blessedly, after work today (Saturday until noon) nothing else. A glorious weekend of relaxation. (I've said this before and I usually end up running around doing stuff.....we'll see). The weekend loomed big in my thoughts as I pondered activities that I can do and complete this weekend. And then I had the brain child idea. I will do one activity (clean the kitchen) and then I'll do 1/2 hour of exercise. Then I'll do another activity (play on my computer) and then follow that up with another 1/2 hour of exercise. Then watch a movie, followed up by some more exercise. I'll exercise my way through the weekend. How wonderful does that sound? I drove a little further down the road and started laughing. There is NO way on earth that I'd be able to keep up that pace and that plan. It is totally unrealistic! I know that once I start watching movies, that exercise will be the furthest thing from my mind. I am so not going to want to get up off the nice comfy sofa, where I will probably have a cat or two cuddling up with me, to go exercise....just to go back to the sofa for another movie. Yes, I will probably ride the exercise bike for the first 1/2 hour to hour of the FIRST movie. But it's unrealistic to think that my original plan would work.

So how unrealistic are the goals that we set for ourselves? Yes, there are 22 more weeks in this year....and yes they say that a healthy weigh loss is up to 2 pounds a week. So yes, it would be HEALTHY for me to say that I was aiming to lose 44 pounds by the end of the year. Is it realistic? BARELY....life doesn't always work that way...there is a lot of vacation time, holidays and birthdays between now and then. Will I aim for that? Of course! But I'm not setting it as a time goal.....it is just an estimated time frame for me to reach that goal. But how many times to I set myself up for failure because I set unrealistic goals?


Well, I lost 2.8 pounds today. I'm so happy....and I'm heading into my weekend with a plan for eating healthy and staying on track!

OK, so here is where I"m at. I was at my meeting this morning and they announced that the 7AM meeting (which I have to leave 5 minutes early as it is, in order to make it to work on time) is being closed. They are combining the 7AM meeting with he 8Am meeting.....and having it at 7:30. So "it's only a half hour". But that makes it unattainable for me on the weeks that I work. I am so upset that I could cry. Just when I feel like I'm getting a handle on things...........

So I have a couple options...I've already asked some friends their opinions via email...but I need more opinions!

1. Quit going to meetings for the time being and try (once again to go it on my own). Driving back to work, I came up with a few ideas that may help keep me on track if I take this option.

*keep my e-tools- I like tracking on e-tools, especially since I can track on my phone even while I"m eating

*weekly, take a full body picture (clothed of course...tee hee hee) AND a picture of the number on the

scales....and post it on my blog for accountability. And ask my blog readers and my friends to keep me accountable.....have a set day for it!

2. There is a Thursday night meeting that I could conceivably make. It would be TIGHT....as in I get off work and I would barely have time to get there, and if I was held up at work for whatever reason (happens sometimes) I'd not make it.

*the pro is that I would be in a more consistent meeting

*the con, I'd be rushed

*the other con, I already am away and doing something on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings with my zumba after work. My husband is very accommodating, to the point that when he's home, he's OK with the fact that dinner isn't served until 8PM...actually later since I don't get home until 8PM. Is that fair to him to ask him to accommodate me another night....and we don't have many nights together as it is.

3. I could continue on and only go to meetings every other week....when I'm not working.

*pro-I'd still be going and having that accountability

*con- I'd be paying $20 per meeting

*there is a slight chance that on the 'work on Saturday' weeks, I could possibly get to a Tuesday morning meeting that they hold at 10AM, since my 6 day work week, they try to not have me come in until noon on Tuesday.

-con to that is that I'd be weighing in on Saturday and then turn around and weigh in again 3 days later

-con I like the consistency of meetings....I get the most from the people that I talk to at my meetings..

-pro- I'd be in a meeting each and every week!



I don't want to be a meeting attender that hops from meeting to meeting and/or sporadically attends. But it looks as if I may have to if I want to continue. What are your thoughts?

Why?

Why do I write in my journal? What is the draw, the pull that has kept me coming back consistently for over 4 years. And yes, it has been relatively consistent. I dont' think there has been a month that I didn't come at all...and never only once.

I write for me. I'm not writing thinkng about PR or book deals or reviews or anything other than ME. ME, MYSELF AND I! I write what is in my head. I write about what is going on in my life. I write about my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes those thoughts and feelings aren't pretty. Sometimes they are super happy. But when I go back and read them as a whole...maybe a month or two of entries at a time, I have learned so much about me. It's hard to be objective about yourself. It's a tad bit easier when you are reading your downfalls and successes in black and white.

Yes, I hope that anyone reading this blog finds some inspiration or motivation to continue on their journey......but that is secondary...because the blog is written for my own personal, my own personal chronical of how and what it has taken for me to get to where I'm at, emotionally AND weightwise.

That said...lets move on to my update. Last night I got home from work and I did ok with my eating....I struggled. I was alone and just really wanted to dive head-first into the cabinets. HOWEVER, I ate dinner....and then I pulled out the dance pad for Dance Dance Revolution and played for about 40 minutes. Not high intensity exercise...but activity none-the-less. :-) Little Winny really wanted to exercise with me though.


My weight this morning....holding steady! :-)

The good, the bad and the ugly

So what do we talk about first? Good??? Bad??? Ugly??? Well, I'm just not sure, especially since some of the good was actually bad and could have turned ugly. Hmmm....ok ok ok, I'll just start at the beginning of yesterday.

As I wrote yesterday I hopped on the exercise bike and nailed 1/2 hour of riding before coming to work. I came to work and completed my four hours of fun. After work I went home, put on my comfy clothes (ie. not work clothes) and todd and I headed out. We had to adjust our plans as we were originally going to go southward, but Todd had taken Little Winny (little winny is the small one in the picture) and Jody to the vet in the morning. Little Winny received her shots and was sent home. Jody had to stay for some test....so we had to be in Hagerstown at 4 to pick her up. No problem, we headed northward.

We debated long and hard about where to eat. Todd mentioned Golden Corral, but that just seemed lackluster to me...and more difficult to control. We ended up at Pizza Hut, which Todd was craving. The good? The pizza was just fantastic. It was so tasty. The cheese was gooey and melted. The flavors just burst in my mouth. I was in food heaven...a food induced orgasmic bliss. The bad????? Well, we ordered the dinner for two. That is 2 drinks (diet pepsi for me), breadsticks (yup, they were light, airy, and just plain tasty too), a salad (at least I got a serving of veggies in) and a medium pizza (we did go thin crust to cut down on points and since I don't like much meat, I stuck with cheese.....meat adds points anyway). So there is the good and the bad. The ugly? The possibility of badness on the scales.

After we ate lunch, we ran into Staples and Best Buy looking for a new printer. Basically looking at the options and all that good stuff. We swung out to a farmers market and picked up some fresh produce and also went into the mall for a bit. Just general errands.

Something VERY good.....Todd stopped into Starbucks to pick up a drink. He of course asked if I wanted to order something. I was very tempted.....it was hot and muggy...a nice iced drink would have tasted SOOOo good. But common sense took over. Yes, it would have tasted so good. Yes it was hot and it would have been a nice cool down. But I had my nice big jug of ice water in the car with me. SOOOO, I passed on the iced drink and stuck with my water. HUGE HUGE HUGE victory!

We picked up Jody and went home. I got as much of dinner ready as possible and then I headed out to Zumba. Yes...I made it to zumba! Good workout!

Went home and ate corn on the cob and baked zucchini with some cantalope and then relaxed the rest of the afternoon.

So this morning....was it ugly? I almost didn't step onto the scales. I almost backed out to wait for tomorrow morning. But then I said, "NO, I want to know the damage and then I'll move on". So I stepped on the scale. The scale did it's work and then beeped to tell me that my weight was posted. I about fell off those darn scales.....DOWN! YIPPEE!!! So my eating pretty much only fruits and veggies the rest of the day to accomodate the pizza worked. (ok, I don't like much meat anyway, so it's not that out of the ordinary). My double workout helped. It's working, becuase I'm working the plan!

So what is my plan for today? Hold it together with the eating. I know that I can't eat like yesterday each and every day. SO pulling it together. Get my exercise in (somehow.....I will get off of work at 6 and I have tomatoes to can tonight...but I WILL get the exercise in!). Just work the plan!

Carb lover

carbs.....evil evil carbs. ok ok ok, so I know that they are not evil. But I love them so. YEsterday, I stayed within my points range, but I have way too many carbs....and my weight popped a little this morning. I told myself that it could have been my workout last night (work the muscles, they swell and retain water for a day or so)...but I'll be honest and say that I had some carbs. Carbs are probably my biggest downfall....I'm drawn to carbs more often than anything else. Yeah, I can lose control with pretty much any food...but carbs....yummy!

As I mentioned....made it to Zumba last night. Pushed myself as hard as I could....kickin' it up a notch. :-)

This morning I woke up early and hopped onto the exercise bike for a 30 minute jaunt (a jaunt to nowhere...but still). I do have zumba tonight, but there is a slight chance that we will not make it home in time for me to go......and I wanted to make sure that I got some sort of exercise in today. If I do make it back (shouldn't be a problem) in time for Zumba, doing Zumba and riding the exercise bike for 30 minutes is NOT going to hurt....it can only help!

Food today may be a bit of a problem.....we are planning on going out for lunch...and Todd mentioned Pizza Hut. (ohhhh yummmmmm......we will get thin crust to cut down on points, even though I love love love the carby goodness of a thick and greasy pan pizza.....but still). I have changed the dinner plans for this evening to a veggie meal. (we will be stopping at a farm market to pick up corn and whatever else strikes our fancy). So I will at least be eating healthy for dinner, breakfast was my normal smoothie...so fruits there. So I should be ok....even with pizza. But it does give me pause for concern. I can do it though....no matter where we go....when I lost weight before, I ate out a lot. It only takes self control. Self control to NOT order something that is totally unhealthy. Self control to not go nuts on the salad bar and load up half of your plate with macaroni salad. (pasta...yum) Self control to only eat 1 portion and put aside the extra piece of chicken, or the extra whatever that is always on your plate. Self control.

Yeah.....carb.....the menace to my journey to be fit and fabulous. :-)

What a weekend

Addiction

Addictive. I can easily become addicted to something and anything. Food is my main addiction. Food gives me a high, it feeds and nurtures every emotion. I am a food addict. But I can also see how my personality lends itself to addictions. I easily become addicted to those stupid games on face book. Farm town, Farm ville, and most recently frontier ville. Frontier ville has been the worst though as it involves challenges. But I want to be the highest player amongst my friends. It's nothing I've ever vocalized, but there it is...I'm competing for the top slot. And in that, I become addicted to the high of leveling up and moving closer to my goal. I become solely focused on something and it monopolizes my life.....I have that tendency.

Is this a bad thing? Sometimes, yeah. I can't sit on my computer staring at my face book games all day. I can't wake up and go directly to the computer. I have responsibilities and I have to have a life. Those games are not life...they are simply one facet of relaxation. Food addiction...yeah, bad. But is it bad to be so focused on something that is a good thing for you? When I was losing weight the first time around...I was incredibly successful. I lost well over 100 pounds. I was doing great...but I was totally focused....anal about it really. I was addicted to the 'hunt'. Losing a pound was my new high. Conquering the food choices at a restaurant was another high. I was single-mindedly focused on losing weight. I don't think that my husband suffered from my single minded focus. (in fact he lost weight too). But I still spent time with him...I still cooked his meals (healthy ones). It was all good. But in my free time, my quiet time, my time....I was single minded in my pursuit. So that's my question. Is it healthy? Is it healthy to turn my food addiction into a single minded quest for losing weight.

I will say that my husband did used to talk about how he was afraid that I wouldn't know how to stop when I did reach goal. That I would continue on toward some un-attainable goal weight. But I set his mind at ease when I did reach 180 and the doctor approved of that weight and I was happy with myself at that weight.

Soooooo my question is addictions.....transference of addictions.....is it ok if it's something healthy? Hmmmmm

Soooo day one of my challenge...and quite honestly with me getting my butt off the proverbial fence that I've talked about for quite some time.....it ended. I did ok. I did nibble on a small handful of mini marshmallows toward the evening. But otherwise, I did really good. I also restarted taking my multi-vitamins. I used to take them religiously...but then just sorta fell away. So i started that too. I also got my water consumption in......I felt like I was going to float because I hadn't been used to drinking all that water on a daily basis...but I'm workin' it!!!!

Today....food is on track thus far. Zumba is tonight...so life is good. :-)

Hot on the trail!

A few things are kicking in for me this week. Number one, my blogger and biking friend Donna and I are kicking it into high gear. We have set goal and we plan on being accountable to each other. Hold me to it also. In fact, check her out and encourage her also!

Here are my goals for this week. Yes, this weeks goals are pretty standard and should be no-brainers, but I have to get myself back on track.

My goals:
1. track every bite I eat
2. Exercise Monday-Friday (even if only for 30 minutes....Tuesday and Wednesday I have in the bag with my zumba class)
3. focus on ME and what I need for this journey.
4. Blog something each and every day.....POSITIVE blogging. Not a lament about where I've been. But something positive about what I'm doing.
5. Accept where I am right now in my journey.

Secondly I am starting a challenge. You can read about it through Seth's Blog (he's the creator and administrator of the challenge that is actually Facebook based). I'm super excited about it as I am VERY competitive. Not to the point of doing something stupid (which against the rules anyway.....another reason why I like his challenge..he wants HEALTH to be first and foremost), but I will work my tail end off to win. That's what I need...motivation! A couple years ago I joined a challenge...it was a mileage challenge that a fellow blogger (sorry, can't remember who.....I'm so sorry, because I would have linked you)had going. The most miles travelled under your own power (read shoe leather express) was the winner. The winner received a new pair of tennis shoes. I walked and walked and walked. And yeah, I won those shoes! I don't always win...I've been in weight loss challenges where I don't...but you know what....I'm motivated and I do lose weight during those challenges...so I'm still a winner. So anyway, that starts today!

So where am I today??? How am I doing today. I woke up and weighed myself (I'm a creature of habit....wake up, use the bathroom, strip off my clothes, weigh myself, put said clothes back on and THEN start the day) for my challenge. SO I have my starting point for that. I immediately moved to the exercise bike and got in 30 minutes. It's a start!

I had created my menu for the week and it is posted on the side of the fridge. Yesterday, I pulled it off the fridge and figured out the points for each meal. I knew round about figures in my head...but I needed exact. Then I rehung the menu. So now, when I go to eat breakfast and pack my lunch for work, I know exactly how many points I have to play with. For example, if dinner utilizes a lot of points, keep my lunch lighter....but if dinner is low points, I can splurge and have my much loved peanut butter and jelly sandwich...which packs a bunch of points.....it's all a trade off)

Something else I did.....this past weekend when I was bringing clothes off the line and putting them away, I organized my closet and my dresser drawers. Of late, when I get dressed, I have to root through drawers and the closet to find something that fits.....as I gained weight I never took out the stuff that was growing too small. Getting dressed was depressing because I had to face those now too small clothes every day. I accepted that they do not fit right now and that they will not fit for a while. I went through and put them all in laundry baskets and bins and they are all sitting neatly on the floor of my closet. My drawers and closet contain only clothes that I can wear. Some of those clothes are tight...but I can wear them! I'm accepting that I gained weight and that I'm starting afresh.

I'm proud to say that my eating has been totally under control the last few days. I haven't binged. I've made healthy choices with my food. I'm happy with my start.

Now just to keep the momentum going. :-)

I'm going to sit down and actually make a plan out for my next week. I sat down with both my work schedule and Todd's work schedule and I planned out our meals (and thus also our grocery list). I know taht when I have a set menu, it's easier to stick with it, both at home and with resisting the urge to go out to eat. Not that eating out is bad....but I'm eating healthy more nutritionally sound foods at home. (we eat naturally and organically at home......restaurants don't typically offer that option....not to mention that I just plain eat more fruits and veggies at home). SO I have that lined up. Now I just need to look at my schedule and actually pencil in some workout times. Tuesday and Wednesday evenings are already accounted for with my Zumba classes.....so that's good. But 2 workouts a week, even though they have my heart rate up and all that jazz, are just not going to cut it. I also recognize that if I look back through my history of weight loss, that when I was losing and doing well......I was not only eating right, I was exercising pretty regularly. SOooooo I've deemed that it's time to start back with that.

Had a problem with my right foot at Zumba last night. It hurt to high heavens....kinda crampy...but not quite a cramp. Go figure. I'm going to see if getting a nice pair of insoles help. We are on a floor.....tiled, but probably concrete underneath...so that's not good.

I'm watching what I eat......so I'm trying to halt the onslaught of weight gain. Actually in the last 4 months or so, I've stayed within the same 5 pound range. So in a way, that's good.......but in a way it's really bad, I want to be losing.

Once again, reaffirming in my head that the weight is NOT what is causing life to be crappy. Losing the weight will NOT be the magical cure to all of lifes woes. But in turn, losing the weight so that I am happy. So that I feel good about myself. So that I live a healthy happy productive life.

That said, turning it back around is ROUGH. I did ok with my eating yesterday and I'm on track for today also....so that's a start. I will go to zumba tonight....and tomorrow night. But I also realize that I need to do more than my two nights of zumba each week. I need to get back on my bike!

Update:
Ok, after reading some blogs, I've decided to eradicate negative talk from my blog (ok, how about I try to focus on the positive).....so after a few weeks of just negativity spewing from my mouth, er fingertips I've decided to make a list of things in my life that are good...that make me happy...etc etc etc.

1. I haven't gained weight. I may not be losing, but maintaining is SOOO much better than gaining!
2. The kitten we found in June (june 8) is doing well. We saved her. She weighed about 5 ounces and had to be bottle fed (force fed really as she didn't even want the bottle)every 3-4 hours night and day for weeks! But she is a healthy active kitten now.
3. My family has their health. Dad's prognosis is good, everyone is relatively healthy.
4. My husband and I both have income. This one is HUGE. I'm so very thankful to have a job and for our business to be generating income for us.


So there is a start!

Frame of Mind

I don't' know that much has improved for me...but I think I'm in a much better frame of mind today. I guess I'm just taking a more positive spin on the happenings of the last 2-3 weeks.
*sprained ankle-- much better
*tonsillitis/strep-- gone
*infected cat bite--much better.....current round of antibiotics will finish that
up
*father's heart- doing well
*husbands flu--over, with no signs that I'm going to get it
*two cats that were rushed to the vet for two separate unrelated issues-seem to
be improving
*overtime- we SHOULD be fully staffed at work on Monday (first time since early
April)
*Personal issues...causing emotional distress-- well, not over, but maybe I'm
just learning how to better deal...or maybe realizing that there is nothing I can
do to change the situation so I need to learn to accept

I woke up early and went to my weight watcher meeting this morning. Predictably I gained. Pretty much, I gained what I lost last week. OK then. I know some of the things that I did wrong. Number one, I didn't track. Number two, I drank MOSTLY diet soda and not water. Diet soda ALWAYS causes me to retain water.

The best way to put it. I'm sitting on the fence. I'm not eating poorly...but I'm not eating totally healthy. I KNOW that I don't want to climb off the fence into the pasture of unhealthiness. I well remember how I felt at 315 pounds...I don't want to go back there and conversely, I remember how GREAT I felt at my goal weight...I want to feel that again. So I know which side of the fence that I want to be on. I just need to get the courage, motivation and persistence to jump off the fence and STAY off the fence!

That said......eating healthy......I'm reasonably sure that healthy foods also promote healthy emotions. I REALLY need to be eating healthy!

Blecchhhhhh

I think that about sums everything up.

Apathy

I'm still struggling with some issues that are making me feel just down and miserable...but I'll keep trucking along.

At my WW weigh in, I lost 2.8 pounds. I honestly have no clue how.....it was the week that typically I gain or at the best show a maintain AND my eating has been atrocious. I suspect stress to play a part. Who knows. I was determined to get my eating back under control...but my weekend has not been all that great eating wise. It hasn't been all that bad though.....meaning it could have been worse. So who knows.

We did get a nice bike ride in on Sunday. Felt good. Tonight I start back with Zumba. I'm looking forward to it. I think my ankle will be ok with it. It's been feelin' pretty good of late.

Strep? No. But a raging case of tonsilitis......how fun. So I'm on antibiotics...but i'm pretty much pain free now (and definitely no longer contagious).

With everything going on...and this just struggle to put one foot in front of the other, I'm feeling really apathetic toward watching what I eat. I haven't tracked in ages. I plan to remedy that and start tracking TODAY!