The personal training experience has worked to make me realize something about myself. In all honesty, it wasn’t a pleasant discovery. It was sobering. It is sad. It is plan and simple embarrassing.
I talked about it a bit the other day when I was giving a run down of my personal training experience. I wrote how I realized that I am ashamed to even be in the gym “pretending’. To be fit and using the machines. While I am there, I am honestly trying to make myself unobtrusive and unnoticeable. I keep my eyes down. I am trying to shrink out of sight.
How sad is that?
I used to not be that way. Years ago when I was going to the gym, I went in boldy.I used the machines. I felt like I belonged. I had no shame. And I was the same weight if not even more than I currently weigh now. Yet, I find myself embarrassed, shy and awkward.
I don’t like this me, this lack of self confidence.
My assumption about this absolute lack of confidence has a couple facets. One, before I lost the weight the first time, I was happy and secure in who I was. I actually didn’t feel fat. I didn’t even feel overweight. I felt normal. But then I lost weight and realized that I had been fat all along. Thing felt fantastic and I loved it. But when I gained weight, I suddenly realized how bad fat really felt. (You see, before it was just normal…I thought everyone felt that way. It wasn’t until I felt how thin felt that I realized how bad it had been.) And let me tell you. I didn’t like how fat felt when I regained. And furthermore, it embarrasses me.
The whole world sees my failure!
The second facet is the fact that in no way am I the same person. I have lost dreams. I have gone through heartache. It is a confidence killer to have a husband that shows no interest you as a physical human….yet that is what I went through in my first marriage. It is confidence busing to have your spouse cheat on you behind your back…..yet I lived through that too in that first marriage. Granted, it is years ago, but those hurts are still buried deep inside me.
Irregardless of the reason, my confidence is nonexistent. It makes my gym visits extremely uncomfortable for me. Luckily with my Zumba classes, I feel uncomfortable walking in…but once I get into my room where the class is held I feel free and at home. But the actual gym area…uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable is no Excuse
I am not letting my confidence issues derail me. I wear a hat (which I always used to do when I ran anyway….keeps the sweat from dripping out of control into my eyes). I let the brim of my ball cap ‘hide’ me. Silly, I now, cuz I’m not hidden at all…but it protects my mind. I do my workout and push through the discomfort. And even with the brim of my hat pulled low, I have noticed that I am NOT the largest person there. I am also not the person lifting the lowest weights. Not that that matters….we all start somewhere. But it does help me to know that I am not the only one in my fitness shape and physical size. (And probably helps them too I imagine.) But not matter what, I am not giving up……I’ll go no matter if I am comfortable or not!
As for the confidence? Well…..I”m going to fake it until I make it!
1 comment:
My physical therapy sessions for my shoulder (I haven't written about that yet, but I will) are held in an upscale fitness facility, and the people who work out there are mostly very in shape and very serious about fitness. I feel soooo out of place! The first time we left the trainer's room and went out onto the main gym floor, I felt so self-conscious. I still don't like it. So I understand a bit how you feel. It doesn't stop me from feeling that way, ha ha, but I do understand it. I think it's awesome that you are going to Zumba and meeting the personal trainer, and doing what you need to do for healthy changes, so be proud!
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