Not to much to say this overcast Monday morning. I have got to reign in my weekend eating. I've always had my weight watcher weigh in right after my weekend.....which has kept me in line. But now I'm weighing in at the beginning of my weekend and I can see a trend....overeat the weekend and then try to pull it together throughout the week. I think it's good to have one 'free' meal....but not a weekend of them!

I woke up this morning and while breakfast was in the oven I hopped on the exercise bike and rode. I got 30 minutes in this morning and hope to get more in tonight!! And I've already informed Todd that I'll be gyming it tomorrow morning. He has declined to join me...but no matter....I'll be there!

A pain in the arse

Last night I went to bed and I got into bed and I had a pain hit me. I tried to move so that it didn't hurt but every movement sent shooting pains through me. Where was this pain you ask?????? It was in my left butt cheek and down through my upper leg. HEavens...I've never had a butt ache before! That was in addition to the stomach muscle pains from my ab work, The shoulder pain, the arm pains....the tight calves from the long time on the elliptical.....shall I continue??? But anyway...the butt pain is really a first. I woke up and the butt pain had subsided, thank heavens.

So thusly I decided that today would be a day of rest from exercise for me! I did move furniture around the house and clean....if that counts. Ok ok ok, it didn't take all that long. :-)

The good news? My muscles feel much better tonight.

So my 'do something for myself' today. I haven't really done much of anything for me. I will be honest. I didn't ignore myself, but I didn't do anything identifiable for myself (unless NOT goign to the gym counts. hardy harr harr harr)

Saturday shenanigans

Whew...what a busy day. And before I even begin, I did lots for myself today!

It started with taking care of myself in terms of waking up early enough to head to my weight watcher meeting. I had three clocks set! (myold alarm clock, a substitute and my phone). I woke up and headed out to my Weight Watcher meeting, out the door by 6:15AM. I lost 1.8 pounds. I'll take it. It's a loss. But it just burns me up. I gained more than that last week...so I'm still behind!!! But hey, it's a loss!!

I left my meeting and went down to the City Market and saw my mom while she sat at her booth. After visiting with her I headed to the gym. (the second thing for me!) I did 1 hour of cardio and then 30 minutes of weights. My mantra of "exercise does not hurt as bad as being fat hurts" really worked. I kept saying that to myself when I wanted to stop!

I left the gym and hit up two stores and then treated myself to lunch. This would be the third thing for myself as I'm usually too cheap to go out on my own (I'd rather save my money to go out to eat with loved ones) But I treated myself today. After lunch, I headed to more stores...and finally got home at about 4PM. I got my groceries put away...and had a few minutes to spare before making dinner. TOnight I made todd's favorite dish...Cajun Seafood Pasta. I had buttered noodles and veggies. For dessert I made Caramalized bananas......I watched the food network while I was on the elliptical today...and this was a recipe that sounded really good to me. So I made it. It was very good!

After dinner I grabbed my camera and headed out the door. Just a short drive through the battlefield, but if felt good!

Of course the lights in the house were turned off at 8:30 for Earth Hour. :-)

Now I'm just relaxing......

Soooooo is it bad that I watched the Food Network while working out....and actually made a recipe that I gathered while working out???????

Quick thought

I wrote the other day about the girl on TBL that said that Nothing on the table (food) tastes as good as thin feels. She was so absolutely correct! Thin is a feeling of liberation. A feeling of self confidence an happiness with ones self. But I was just responding to an email with a friend (Hi Donna!) and I was mentioned exercise. And I got to thinking that while no food tastes as good as thin feels. Well there is a corrallary. While No food tastes as good as thin feels, No exercise hurts worse than fat feels! Yeah, I dread going to the gym or working out becuase it's BORING...or it may hurt momentarily. But being fat hurts. It hurts me emotionally, medically AND physically! Exercise is NOTHING compared to what the fat does! The exercise pain is merely momentary.

Well, maybe not exactly momentary. I worked my abs yesterday morning.......oh heavens...it hurts to sneeze. It hurts to laugh. It hurts to move. But you know what...it's a good pain because it means that MF is back!

Cast your vote!

My plans to 'do something for myself' fell through this morning. But I'm not giving up! I will fit something special for me in!

How did the said plans fall through? I was planning on waking up early and exercising before coming to work at 7:30. Yes, ambitious! My alarm is seriously going crazy though!
*A few weeks ago I set it and turned it on and I woke up late....it didn't go off...it was actually even TURNED off. Go figure, but I thought it was me....
*Woke up yesterday just fine at 6AM. Last night I went to turn it on and the alarm was now set for 8AM. WHAT?
*Spent the time to reset the alarm and turn it on......once again it didn't work!

So, either my alarm clock is going crazy or I am. Still time to cast your vote...the jury is still out on the results of which is crazy! haa haa haa

My weight hasn't dropped at any fast pace today. I'm actually not sure I'm going to show a loss. I'm on the right path though, so no matter what it says tomorrow...I'm focused!

The sun is shining...but the temperature has dropped drastically in the last few hours. It's COLD. So I'm not going to be going for a bike ride this afternoon....maybe I can talk Todd into a visit to the gym! (which would count as doing something for ME!)

I was thinking about exercise and I started to think about some of the videos that I used to do (yes, I still have them) and I actually started to feel nostalgic over them. I guess that's my hint that it's time to pull them out. (I'm sure that fond feeling of nostalgia will dissipate quickly at that point...haa haa haa)

Something for me

Yesterday I did something for me. I brought my change of clothes and a sandwich to work and at the end of my day I changed and I headed straight to the gym for a workout. For me. I had some 'dark forces' try to pull me away...nothing serious, but just a few things that could have derailed me from my plans. But I stuck to my guns and went.

To carry on the goodwill toward myself, I woke up at 6AM this morning and by 7AM I was in the gym working out again!

Welcome to the new me. In the few months (OK, maybe year), I've stopped doing little things for myself. Standing up for myself and doing something that's good for me. I think a lot has to do with the status of the current funk that I was in and the reasons behind the funk. I have allowed this negative energy and these negative feelings to change the focus off of what is important. What is important? Me. Now this is not saying that I'm going to chuck all responsibilities overboard. There are still other really important things in my life. But taking care of me has got to be a priority. Getting my weight back off is for ME this time. Not for any other reason. ME ME ME! By making me healthier physically I'll feel better mentally...and that will convey into all other aspects of my life.

In essence, I stopped caring about myself. I think that my funk and the reasons behind it are a big factor behind my lack of caring (and quite honestly part of the reason I've gained back some of the weight)....but I'll be open and honest enough to admit that the more weight I've gained, the less I've cared about myself. It really is a vicious cycle.

Soooo, my plan is to try to do one thing...big or small for myself every day. It could be an action such as going to the gym (with or without anyone....although by myself is really standing up for me) It could be something as simple as applying fresh polish to my nails (toes or fingers). Small steps to help me care more about me...to restore my love of myself.

SOOOOOOOOOOO....my challenge is to do something everyday for myself...and I plan to post it here! I may not post it everyday. I may only do it for a week....it may go on for a year. I'm not setting myself up for failure. I just know in my heart that I have to take care of numero uno.

Take care of myself action for Wednesday- Trip to the gym.....didn't want to...and Todd requested something (something not really important) that would have made it easy to ditch my plans....I didn't.

Take care of myself action for Thursday- Trip to the gym.....woke up before the sun and hit the gym!

The taste of health

I brought my workout clothes with me to work today AND a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to eat for a quick meal for dinner. My plan is to change here at work and go straight to the gym. I know that if I stop at the house to change my clothes I will NOT leave again. So my plan is to change here, eat my sandwich here and go directly to the gym, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. I have a few other stops that are right there at the gym, so I should have no excuse!

Last night on the Biggest Loser there was a comment by one of the contestants. They were at a restaurant and she was talking about how her friends had ordered all of the foods that she loved but she was going to eat healthy come hell or high water. Her comment that really struck me was, Nothing on this table tastes better than how I feel. She went on to to say that eating healthy had brought about so much energy and life to her that she had no problem making the healthy choices! How utterly true!!! I feel so good when I'm living healthy and when my weight is down! I feel good emotionally and physically!!! And she is right...there is no greater 'taste' than the feeling of health!

The great mystery

Motivation. How can a person want something so much but just lack the motivation? I want to lose this weight so badly. Yet when it comes down to actually getting off my butt, I lack motivation. Back up...yet when it comes to making healthier choices I lack motivation. Oh heck, my motivation is simply in the toilet. Yet I want to lose soooo darn badly. It just makes no sense.

I went back to weight watcher meetings 4 weeks ago. Week one, I gained four-tenths of a pound. Week two, I gained 8 tenths of a pound. Week three I blew it all away and gained two pounds and two ounces! I'm paying stinkin' money to GAIN WEIGHT! Now...the first two weeks I was religious with my eating. I ate healthy. I restarted the exercise regime...and I went to a meeting and showed a gain....both weeks. Week three...well.....lets just say that I didn't go hog wild, but I didn't even track! It was a super stressful week! This week I'm doing a bit better. I'm not strictly regimented, but I am very cognizant of what I'm eating...and YES, I am tracking!

I have less than one month before Girls With Gears...in which I am registered to ride. I've been on my bike 2 times this year. The first time was hideously horrid. Notice it was hideously horrid...not just hideous and not just horrid! My second ride was much better...but I was on the canal and that is relatively flat....so it was an easier ride!

Stress levels are still super high. Something that a friend wrote today just hit me...and here it is: I think we all have issues we wrestle with. It's just whether or not we let those issues impact our diet and exercise.

Here I sit

Ok, so I've been really really really lax about writing. I am still around. I haven't given up. I'm struggling though. Big time struggling. I am under an undue amount of stress. HUGE! Mind-boggling!!! In one regard, I'm doing really well. I'm not allowing myself to just eat at will, anything and everythign that comes into my thought. I'm not eating 6 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at one sitting to make myself feel better (ok, maybe 6 is a little bit of an exxageration, but you ge the point). So I'm not mindlessly eating. HOWEVER, I am not eating healthy. I'm not eating enough fruits and veggies each day. I'm eating too many carbs. And I'm eating too many points as a result....and that is this past week. I'm not losing weight but I'm not gaining weight. Now, the two weeks previously, I adhered to the plan even amidst the stress and turmoil and I didn't lose a single solitary pound. In fact I gained slightly those two weeks. Stress does crazy things to your body I guess.

One thing...I haven't tracked this week! No matter what I eat, I need to track!!!!!

Change of heart

Whew....Sunday already. Where does the weekend go. I swore to myself that yesterday that I would get home from work and get on my bike. I promised myself. I got home and curled up on the couch and did absolutely nothing all day. I'm just struggling with motivation not only for exercise...but for life in general. ARRGGGHHH

So today I woke up and I knew that I HAD to ride. I was hoping for a 10 miler...but I decided to settle for at least 5 miles. I got out there on my bike. 1 mile in and I had to stop to fix my toboggan that was under my bike helmet. I literally thought I was going to hurl! I rode in my smallest gear and it was brutal! Absolutely brutal! I made it exactly 6 miles. I got back and I was lightheaded and barely made it to the couch where I collapsed and laid for a while.....knowing that if sat up I would very well pass out!

So here is my plan. I am 6 weeks away from GWG.(Girls with Gears bike event) I did 6 miles today. If I can ride any outside this week, I will (schedule and sunlight as well as weather being the deciding factor). But I am going to focus on riding the exercise bike to help get myself back in shape. (and maybe pick back up on my mileage challenge...although I have so much to make up, I’m not sure it's possible...haa haa haa) Here are my goals.

The week of March 7th - 5 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of March 14th- 10 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of March 21st- 15 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of March 28th- 15 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of April 4th- 20 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
The week of April 11th -20 mile ride on outside bike & inside as much as possible
GWG April 18th

I hope to surpass these goals. If I can make it to a certain mileage ride BEFORE my goal...hot diggity. But Looking at this, I feel it's doable. And I know that last year I had only done about a 21 mile ride on the road before GWG.

I have to say, this morning before I rode I was thinking emailing my friend and trying to back out of GWG....and offer to still do something with them that weekend, but skip the ride. But I went out to ride and as badly as I did, I remembered how good it felt last year when I was able to ride without feeling like I was going to vomit off the side of my bike or come so close to passing out when I got off my bike that I literally had to lay prone for a half hour until my heart rate returned to normal. As sad as my ride today makes me feel....I know that there is hope. I got to thinking about how many weeks I have left and if I can do a 6 mile ride now (I did it.....I did not stop...I did not walk a hill, I went mighty slow and it like near killed me...but I DID IT!) then if within a week I can do a 10. And if I can do a 10 then, then I'm sure I can increase that to 15 in another weeks time...and so on and so forth! I can do this!!!!!!!

I had my splurge meal last night. We had been craving Hot Taco dip. I used baked tostitos...and I did as much low fat items as I could find. but still a bit high. I used to do that 'comfort food/splurge' meal once a week, right after my weigh in. I stopped....or if I did have it, I would make another one the next night. No more. We had it once...no more until a week has passed. I've got 9 points for lunch. Mom and dad are coming to pick me up. I'm not sure what we are going to do this afternoon...run around...mosey around and just see what we can see. So I'll probably end up going out to lunch with them somewhere. 9 points though is all I have (and yes, I've already calculated dinner into the mix).

Really trying

The "mertz-ter", originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ohhh to live the happy go luck existence of Lil' Mertz.

I have switched my weight watcher meeting to Saturday mornings. Why? One, so I can go back to the weight watcher center that I like. Secondly, it's in the morning...EARLY. It will be time I cut out of my sleep and not taken away from any other responsibilities. On the weeks that I work Saturday mornings, it will be tight. I'll have to leave the meeting and fly like the wind back to Sharpsburg, but I think it will be worth it. And thirdly, and possibly most important. A friend (Hi Sherry) and I are goign to go to that one together.....and help with the accounability thing. So i went this past week and faced the music.

Saturday I did really good. Yesterday just was crazy. I was on the go..and running literally from the moment I woke up. I ate out twice...and I'm sad to say that I had french fries in the evening (at lunch I got a salad to go with my sandwich). Oh yeah, I indulged an got an amaretto sour tooo. So liquor on top of it all. (it did taste mighty fine).

Tired of sabotaging my efforts. I can clearly see that I lost the weight to try to fix some problems in my life. I lost the weight and those problems didn't go away. And I was forced to face the facts that the problems were not my weight....and without the weight I no longer had an excuse.....and I think that my will to keep the weight off was damaged. Without really thinking about it, I gained and didn't care what I ate.....because if I gained, I could once again blame my weight. No more. The weight has to go FOR ME! And these problems......they are not mine to correct. I am just an innocent victim.

I'm determined to get my butt back into exercise. I'm strugglign with the will power to do so. But I've GOT to!

Grocery day

Grocery day, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, I have had a small victory. Yesterday morning I left for work at 7:30. I grabbed a banana for my lunch so that I could leave work and head straight off to my errands. All was good. I hit up store after store. And then I made it to the grocery store. I was getting hungry. I smelled the bakery and donuts as soon as I walked into the store. I steadfastly ignored the bakery department. I did my shopping and then had some difficulty finding the pumpernickle bread that TOdd requested. Taking a deep breath, I headed toward the bakery. Success! I found the bread. I picked it up and was ready to head out of there as fast as the wheels on the cart would turn. And then I noticed that the bread was not sliced. I made my way to the counter. I stood over chocolate eclairs, individual slices of cake and other scrumptious looking goodies while the worker sliced the loaf of bread. I stood next to the absolutely delicious smelling and looking doughnuts. My mouth was salivating. As I pushed my cart out of the bakery area, my steps slowed. I was so close to those doughnuts. I was right there. I could get one and eat it in the car before I was even out of Hagerstown! I stopped the cart. I looked at the doughnuts, thinking about which one (I was determined to keep it at one) I would get. Suddenly I shook my head and started to push the cart out of that area....without my doughnut. You see, the last few weeks I've let my sadness and depression rule my eating. I've eaten what I wanted to always thinking that "I'll start tomorrow". Tomorrow would never come if I kept that thinking. So I started at that moment. I will admit that I went home and broke into a 100 calorie pack of soft and chewy chocolate chip cookies....and I had another banana. But I think in the grand scheme of things a 100 calorie snack pack and a banana was a whole lot better than that doughnut (or two...or three....or whereever I would have stopped).

update

I haven't totally given up. My great big head of the emotional eating monster has hit. I'm trying to maintain some control....not that it's working. I have gotten to the gym a few times thus far this week. So I'm trying.

I haven't given up on writing here, I am just struggling with my effort to put one foot in front of the other and make it through each day, writing here is just, well.....it takes energy that I don't have.

I can only hope and pray that all this somehow rights itself and life returns to some semblance of normalcy and happiness.

The existence of ignorance

Icicles, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Well, we are slowly starting to get back to a more normal routine here. However, yesterday about an hour or so before I was to leave work and go home, I got a frantic call from my husband telling me that my car could "PROBABLY" make it home. We both have cars...Hondas. They do great in the snow...but deep snow is a no go. The problem. Our back road is experiencing some massive drifting. He said that he only got home by the good graces of other people on the road that helped him by pushing him out and helping to clear the road ahead of him. And he was involved in a tiny fender bender. So tiny that he was not injured nor was the car damaged. So I had a friend and her husband pick me up in their four wheel drive. We ended up going out to dinner with them. (I think we all needed to get out!) The problem? The restaurant messed up my meal. I got it for free......AND they gave me a free dessert. Uhhhhhhhhh do you really even have to ask? Free dessert! of course I ate it! haa haa haa So my attempt to get started back with eating healthy was a bit of a bomb!

Part of me sometimes wonders if I'd be happier by just accepting that I"m overweight and to stop trying. I honestly don't think so...I've had the taste of what thin feels like and I want it.....but I can't help thinking about how it would be so nice to go back to the existence of ignorance! that beauty of not having to think about what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising. Just enjoying food for what it is....tasty. Innocence!

ARRGGGHHH

I never thought I would say this, but I'm ready for the snow to stop! I usually love snow, but seriously...enough is enough!

I can't deny, the snow is pretty. I love to watch the birds just flock to our yard to eat. But come on now.....This weekend was 26 inches and we hadn't cleaned up totally from that yet and yet now we've got at least another foot out there! And they are calling for more in a few days! This has got to be a sick joke!!!

I've done better today with eating. Still not the best. But considering I've been pretty much housebound all day long....not too bad. (I did get some shoveling in, small wonder!)



Yes, I tell you the birds are here! It's the gathering place!

So being home has been good. I've got everything cleared up with the insurance company. A check should be arriving in the mail within a week. Insurance company? Did I fail to mention it? The last snow storm....the weekend snow we had a slight problem.



Yes, the roof collapsed on our one shed! Luckily not much was in that shed....but the shed is most definitely dead!

emotional eating alert

Ok, let me lay it out there. Yes, I worked outside and did TONS of manual labor this week with our scads of snow. But, my eating wasn't the greatest. I was doing ok...but then it just went to pot and righ tnow I don't give a darn!

I know a lot of it has to do with some stress that I'm under. Without saying too much, today I made a decision and did something that hopefully turns out to be totally un-needed but very well could be the first step to a very long difficult journey. I'm not handling the stress well. I came home and immediately got in the fridge and ate something. Todd and I went out to dinner and I ate. I came home and I topped it all off with two muffins. So not good and while I'm sick at heart for doing it to myself....right now I just can't make myself care.

I started my day out right with a nice protein laden meal. We had Baked Egg Cups



So why did I need a good nutritous breakfast? Well, let me tell you!



Yes, snow! Lots of snow. At 9 this morning we were at about 18-19 inches. And let me tell you...it's still coming down at close to an inch an hour..supposed to go through the evening....8PM apparently. Ohhh, so that still doesn't explain why I needed a nutritious breakfast? Well, all that snow needs to be moved!!! I worked outside this morning for a couple hours. Let me tell you! I'm going to count moving that HEAVY (yes, it's a really wet snow) as an upper body strength workout! Yikes, am I ever sore!

After working outside for a few hours, I came inside and low and behold it was time to make lunch! I made Taco soup. and cornbread.



Now here I am warming up and relaxing. Todd and I are planning on going out to walk down the road for a bit this afternoon. All good fun!

It's snowing!

Weeee....it's starting to snow!!!! It's not really laying on the roads or sidewalks yet.

I didn't make too much progress on my yearly goals last week. I did ride 57.5 miles. So I at least didn't fall too far behind. However, I did not make up any miles! I loooked this morning and I am actually 43 miles behind schedule. (that's not calculating in my two week grace that I built into my schedule.....I'm planning on riding 60 miles a week for the year....but my grand total of miles I want to hit is 3000 miles...which is actually only 50 weeks of 60 miles)

Weight....I actually didn't make it to a meeting...we were in the throes of a snow storm and the roads were hideous at that point (WV doesn't do anything to their roads so I didn't want to even go across the river). But I will say that it was looking like a gain on tuesday. I will also say that since then I've recouped that gain and it looks like I've dropped some so I may be able to show a loss at this upcoming weigh in.

Strength training.....nope. Well, does it count that we had two snow storms (only 5-6 inches each time...) but I did shovel both times!!!

New recipes.....I made an Irish Potato Casserole It was a bit fattening, but it was quite tasty!

So all was not a total loss.

This week my biggest challenge will be a snowed in weekend. I tend to want to go to the kitchen and bake!!!

1. Keep my eating under control at ALL times, even through the weekend. No excuses about "I shovelled for hours so I can eat like a starving pig"
2. Get my 60 miles in and hopefully cut down my 40 mile deficit.

And those are my goals for the week!

Ready for the snow

Mondell Road, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

From what they are saying, it's not a question of if we are getting a snow. It's a definite. The last I heard, they were saying at least 2 feet of snow. Sooo my house is stocked with food. Yes, it was stocked before, but I'm double stocked now!!! Ok, I'm not one of these to go shopping because a snow is coming. This weekend is my normal shopping trip weekend (I grocery shop every two weeks).

I've been lax the last few days with my riding. I only need 7-8 miles though to reach my weekly goal. I have tonight...so I plan on riding to get at least that!!!

My weight is dropping! Today I was very pleased to see my weight! WOO HOOO! I've been very good with my eating. So while my exercise went lax, my eating got under control. It's almost as if i'm on a see-saw and one is up and one is down. I need balance!

Another snowy mornng

Tree, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

So, even though I was awake and moving at...well before dawn, I didn't get a ride in on the exercise bike. Why, you ask? Well, I woke up at 5:30, fed the cats and then headed outside to shovel the driveway and clean off my car. I came in and hopped in a nice hot shower and got ready to work and I was out the door by 7:30. So I did get some exercise in.

The scales showed me down a pound on the scales this morning. Other than that, I've got not much to say today. I'm focused on well, just getting by.