Shoe Size Matters

 I have successfully completed my second week of being back at work, and it was a full 5 day work week with no vacation time!   It was a week that had it's ups and downs.  It was a week that had it's painful moments but also that had pain-free moments.   I also learned a lesson in how much size really matter.    But most importantly I survived!

Continued Fallout

I was in my second week of training for my new job.  This week was divided between classroom training time and time in the actual office with a mentor.  I was excited to get into the office to actually meet my coworkers.  Coworkers really make or break a job.   As bad as my last job was, the one with Karen who was verbally abusive, I had some amazing coworkers. I mean, I just went on a girls weekend with one of them!  It seems as if I will be with a good group of gals.  They laugh and talk and it seems like it is a friendly group.  I continued to feel that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach each time I am doing something where I am being observed.  I get skittish and almost shaky as I wait for the verbal abuse to rain down upon me.  I keep telling myself, Karen is not there.......she was not right in the head......her words were a reflection of herself and NOT a reflection of me.  One morning I was heading the the office an hour away where the training is being held and I was replaying something in my mind that I had said and done at the office.  Absolutely NOTHING out of the ordinary, but for some reason my mind seized upon it and in my warped way was convinced that "karen' was going to tell me about it.  I finally put the thought to rest by praying and asking God to take away these thoughts that I KNEW were invalid.    So the fallout of my time with Karen is not totally in the past, but I am still working hard to make it in the past!

 The Pain

For the next month or two my sole job will be to work on the teller line. In early August I will go back into the training classroom to start to learn my actual job (how to open the various types of accounts is first.....more training will come a month or two after that....and continue until I am fully trained).   Once fully trained I will be in an office but will still be a teller about 20% of the time while while I cover lunches, help out when short staffed and take a turn on my weekend to work.   But for right now I am 100% teller.   The office is a typical with the teller stations being standing height.  The office does have chairs to sit on behind the teller line, but my office is pretty busy and the chairs are more in the way.  Thus most of them have been pushed into a back room. (And the one that is out is annoying as we are always running into it.).    So for the three days that I worked in the office I was on my feet for the complete 8 hours.  That is where the pain came in.  Oh my word, the first day my legs were so sore!  But to be honest, I was not surprised.  I well remember the first weeks when I left a desk job and started to work at a deli where I was on my feet all day. (Wow, that was during the first year that I wrote here.....19 years ago....and I did write about my legs aching.) The aches in my legs started to decrease as the week went by.    What surprised me is how much my feet hurt.....each day with no noticeable improvement as the week went on.  I have long had an issue with 'The Bone.....an issue with my foot that has been around since I was 10-12 years old.  I don't have too many issues with it anymore, but this week was not one of them.   That wasn't the only thing wrong with my feet.  I noticed on one day that I had a tender spot on the foot, like my shoes had rubbed wrong, even though they were shoes that had previously not given me any issue.  The most disconcerting issue was that in the evenings I would be sitting with my aching feet propped up in front of me and I could FEEL my heels.  This is not a good thing as I have suffered with Plantar fasciitis for quite a few years.  (My first posts about it was in 2013 and I referred to the pain having started about a year earlier.)  I have been able to manage this issue quite favorably most of the time.  I have had some bouts that have been difficult, but I have learned to recognize the early signs and I have been able to make changes and stave off a full bore attack!  Thank heavens!    So that familiar tingling in my heels was not at all welcome.  In fact, that heel pain is scaring me!  The good part about the pain in my legs AND my feet is that after a good night sleep I wake up and feel no pain.   So I am able to take the dog for a walk in the morning with no pain.

 Size Matters

 Desperate to correct these foot issues I started to think about what I could do.  Most of the shoes that I have are remnants from my time at my last job when I was in the office.....pre 2020.  They still look great.   I wore them all the time in the office, and even led training classes where I was on my feet all day with no foot pain.  I used to go for walks on my lunch break every day wearing the shoes and there were no issues.  But, still something was wrong now.   I attempted wearing different pairs of shoes, but to be honest when I even went to put them onto my feet in the morning they started out feeling bad, so I would revert to the pair that felt 'manageable', a pair of clog style/slip on shoes.  Maybe my shoes were fine on the outside but the 'guts' and support was shot!   That had to be it.  So I vowed to go shopping over the weekend and I made it my priority yesterday.  I looked at a few different places and I finally found the pair by Clarks (pic below) that fit well.  And here is the shocker.........I had to buy a half size higher than I normally buy....and I bought the wide width (which is also abnormal).   Holy heck.....was that the problem?   I have gained weight since I have worked from home....a significant amount of weight, so it makes sense!  I remember when I lost weight the first time that I had to get shoes that were a bit smaller, so it's not an unknown phenomenon, just one that I forgot.  A different shoe size also makes sense as to why any pair of shoes that I tried to wear that was not open back was just too tight, making me revert to a pair with no back.  I bought a dark brown.....and hope to make it work for all of my dress shoe needs...because I haven't given up, I still want to lose this weight.    I will be trying my new shoes this week.  I've got my fingers crossed that the pain eases!

 

Weight

And now lets talk about weight.   As I mentioned in my last paragraph, I have gained a whole lot of weight in the last few years.....and the day before I started this job I saw the highest weight I have been at in probably 20 years.  BUT, I am happy to say that I have lost  4.2 pounds in the last two weeks.  I don't know that it is any major feat as it just happened kinda accidentally.  I'm not even going to promise that I can continue to keep up a loss.  I just know that I WANT to lose and that I am going to try to eat healthy and TRY to lose!  But yay to the 4.2 pounds!

Another week is upon us.  The dog is hounding me to go for a walk.... I think it's time to get this Sunday rolling!

 

 

The Power of Words and a New Job

 I survived my first week of work!  It was nerve wracking at moments.  Fun at other moments.  Tiring each day.  And well, if I want to be honest, it wasn't a terrible return to the working world. (Although I would still love to be able to NOT have to work!)   But one thing that really hit home this week was how damaged I am from my last job.  I've always known that words have the power to damage us deeply, but in all my years on earth I never really saw it as clearly as I did this week,my first week of training for my new job.

 So lets start with my new job.   I left early that first day.  I had to drive to Harrisburg (about 60 miles from my house) for training for the complete first week, which due to the holiday was actually only a 4 day work week.    I found the building with no problem and even had time to swing into a local store to use the bathroom so that I wouldn't have to walk in, introduce myself and immediately have to ask for the restrooms.  The commute wasn't difficult, only one day did I run into any issues (on the way home) that caused my drive to be longer.  The trainer was laid back and nice.  And most of the people in my training class are super nice.   As I suspected, it was nice to be with people again.  Working from home is fabulous, but it is very isolating.  (That said, I do still kinda wish I were working from home still....but I can see the benefits of working in the office..WITH PEOPLE.)

Training was not too difficult.  I have worked in a bank so much of the basic information that was given over the week was just a refresher.  Which is good as I haven't worked in a bank setting for about 8 years.   Really for me I need to learn the system that we will be using, the updated regulations and how this bank wants to proceed with various things.  So being fair it wasn't too terribly mentally taxing for me.   That being said, I was still totally focused and trying to pick it all up.  That, combined with commute and of course just the act of working again after 6 months and I was wiped out!  By Wednesday night I was sitting in my chair in the living room and was sound asleep by 7:30.  I remember Jason saying "You better wake up, otherwise you will have problems sleeping tonight."    I answered "I"m not sleeping, I"m kinda listening to the TV."   Of course I was sleeping!  But he was wrong about one thing, I slept soundly all night long also and only woke up about a half hour before the alarm.   But overall, the training wasn't too difficult and I feel that I got a good grasp on everything that we went over in class during the four days.

The problem for me was the residual damage of the powerful words that I heard for the last two years at my last job.  I wrote a few posts ago about the stress of life for the last few years.  (you can read that here)  In that post I talked about the associate that was directly above me in the line of power.  She was vicious.  She was cruel.  She was downright mean in the way that she said things to us.  My friend Linda (the same Linda that I just had a weekend girls get away with) has actually in the last six months used the word abusive in regards to the treatment of this 'superior'.  (And yes, I had gone higher up to discuss the treatment, but it just made things worse with this lady of power,  who was aptly named Karen.)   I had gotten away from it when I got laid off, and I thought that the last 6 months had been a time of healing for me.  How wrong I was.

The first day of our actual training was going well.  I was feeling comfortable and dare I say maybe even enjoying myself.....and then it happened.   We were given an activity to complete on our own.  It was a simple activity.   It was a scavenger hunt within the intraweb of the company.  We weren't being graded on it, it was just so that we could get familiar with the intraweb.   It should have been fun. It should have been easy.  Yet the task threw me into a spiral of panic.  Karen had beat it into my  that I made constant errors, that I was a screw up, that I was basically worthless.  Even though she kept giving me more responsibility and jobs....I know, her words didn't match her actions, but dang if those words don't hurt! (She also did it to other people, so I knew even at the time that she was just mean and it wasn't just me....but still....those words hit hard.)    So I sat with that activity in front of me at this new job, stomach rolling with fear.  I feared that I would get every answer incorrect.  I feared that I would be the only one that didn't even have my scavenger hunt done when it was time to review.   I feared that I couldn't find the answers.  I feared so much ......over a silly learning game. 

But do you know what?  I finished my scavenger hunt just fine, and in the time limit (heck, even earlier than the time limit).   I had found all of the answers.  I even got them all right!  I breathed a sigh of relief!  I talked to Linda about it on the drive home.  She told me that she had gone through the same thing when she went to her new place of employment.  I was happy to hear that I wasn't alone.   

The next day was the same thing.  When it came time for me to break off and do something individually I was driven to panic.  Yet I persevered and didn't let my panic derail me.  I again passed the roadblock with flying colors.  I wasn't struggling.  I wasn't getting anything incorrect.  I wasn't even the straggler in the class who was always painfully bringing up the rear with any task/activity.  Every task.  Each day.  The panic set in.  I kept up a constant stream of positive talk to myself, reminding myself that other than my years under 'Karen' that I had never had a problem and that all of the tasks that I had been asked to do previously in the week I had managed with ease.  Slowly throughout the week it started to get better.  I was less panicked each time.  I had figured out in my heart that I was more than capable and that it really just words in my head that were telling me that I was incapable.  

I don't think for even a second that the damage from the harmful words has been fixed.  I am pretty sure that Karen's words will come flying back and hit me square in the forehead time and time again.  But I'm not going to let her win!   I will keep pushing forward and proving to myself that everything that she said was a falsehood.

 Week one is completed and I am heading into week two.  This is still a week of training.  This week will be divided between my home office (three days) and the Harrisburg training classroom (two days).  So two days will require me to travel.  Monday and Tuesday will have me in the office shadowing my mentor.  Wednesday and Thursday I will be back in the classroom training and then starting Friday I will be back in the office and the mentor will be shadowing me for two days (scheduled two...but if Karen was right, it will be longer....hahahaha).   After that I should be good to go in the office, at least until the next training class for the next component of my job comes up which should be in August...then it will be back in the classroom for the next step in my training.

 I am excited to get into my office and meet my coworkers and get a feel for how the environment is at my actual office and that will happen on Monday!   And of course this upcoming week will mark my first 5 day week back!  And ok, it feels good to be know that I am once again working and NOT unemployed.  Now just to get those mean words out of my head!  But I am working on it.

 

Ohhh......and Zoey, my crazy dog.  We were super worried about her.  She hasn't been alone during the day much.  Short spurts and times in the last 6 months, up to about 8 hours but nothing longer. Remember for  most of her life I have been working at home and within 20 feet of her 24/7.  She did really well during the first week.  No messes.  She was super crazy excited to have me come home but she seems to be handling it well and while she is obviously saddened to see me go in the morning (oh yes, she puts on the most pitiful face) she doesn't seem to be affected overall!

A New Start to a New me

 It has been six months since I last worked.   Six long months.   That is six months of worry about the future.  That is six months of worrying about finances.  But that is also six months of a very relaxed lifestyle and lets face it kinda like vacation!   But that is coming to an end.  I start my new job this week.  It's happening.  6 months to the day that I last worked.   LITERALLY, I last worked the last day of December and I will start working on the last day of June.  

I am excited.  I am sad.  I am confident.  I am nervous. Ask me at any given moment and you will get a different answer. 

Excitement underlies everything because I really am excited to start working again.   If I look back at all of the jobs that I have held in the past my banking job holds the place as my all time favorite job.  So it is with excitement that I embark upon another banking job.  It is with excitement that I end this six months of stress about work and finances.  It is with excitement that I look forward to meeting new coworkers and forging new friendships.  I am mostly excited.

There is however a sense of sadness.  I have always said that I could very easily be a lady of leisure and not work.  The last six months proved that to me.  I enjoyed being off work.  I have enjoyed the freedom of being able to do things throughout the week.  It was a blessing that I had the time to help finish readying my mom's house to put on the market.  It was a blessing that I had the time to work in the yard and get some larger projects done.  It was even a blessing that I had the time while I was off to complete the 75 hard challenge.  (How crazy to think that when I started that challenge in January that I assumed that I would be back to work before the challenge finished....yet here I am, three months after finishing it and just finally going back to work.)  Sadly, I wasn't working so many of the things that I would have loved to do didn't get done because I didn't want to spend the money.  But I still enjoyed every second. (well maybe not the week I had the stomach bug....I didn't enjoy that!)   I enjoyed being off work and I am utterly grateful for the opportunity to have that time off, but ending 

As with any new job I am nervous.  It's nerve wracking to change.  It fills me with nerves to start a new job.  (And I just realized that this blog has seen me through 3 jobs...this will be the fourth......seems like a lot but it has been 19 years that I've been writing!)   But I am confident that I really am the right person for the job......and I know that the nerves will settle as I go through training and eventually get to the branch that I will be working.  

I am using the beginning of this new job as a new beginning for everything.  I am starting this job at the halfway mark of the year.  I also just saw those pictures of myself when I was away on my Girls weekend and I said enough is enough.   So this new job....the new month...the new me starts now.    

 

Eye Opening

 My mini vacation was so much fun.  I laughed and we had a great time.   But there were three very real sobering truths that I had to face.   Luckily I was with a good friend who didn't let me get sucked down into the pits as I discovered these sobering truths.

The first truth was pictures.  I typically do anything I can to avoid being in a picture.  Don't get me wrong, I love photographs.  But I enjoy being behind the camera.  But me in the picture....are you crazy?  Yet Linda wanted pictures of the two of us.  She wanted pictures of herself at certain landmarks that we visited and yes, she wanted pictures of me at the same place.  I had my picture taken more times last weekend than I have had in the last years.   OK, maybe I exaggerate but it was a whole bunch! 

 Let me tell you, there were tons of pictures of me.  And let me be very clear.......I didn't like what I saw in the pictures.    I wasn't living under a log, I know that I am overweight.   I know that I had gained a significant amount of weight in the last year.  I knew it....in my head.   But these pictures made me SEE it with my eyes. How in the world did I not see this?????

The second thing was my fitness level.  I did the 75 hard back earlier this year and I started to get myself in line.  I was doing great until I got the flu....I had just finished the 75 hard and getting sick caused me to lose my momentum.  I stopped exercising when I was sick and when I was well enough I never picked it back up.   Before I got sick I NEVER turned on the tv during the day.  When I was recovering from the stomach virus I started watching TV.  I have watched TV almost if not every day since then.  Bad habits.    This past weekend I had to face the truth that the 'good' that I had done for myself with the 75 hard had started to wash away in the last 3 months of inactivity.  I was struggling to breathe when we walked up inclines.  It was ugly!  (Luckily for me....unluckily for her, my friend was also struggling so we were evenly matched....but that's no excuse.)    I fought hard during the 75 hard to strengthen my fitness and I let it all fall away. How sad is that?

The other truth was that there were activities that I couldn't participate in because of my weight.   I have ALWAYS wanted to do the Bridge Walk.  Linda wanted to do it....but it turns out that my waist was too big for the harness.  (Luckily for me I read the small print online so I wasn't embarrassed to get there and be turned away).  Likewise, the canopy/zipline tour......I exceeded the weight limit.   NOT cool, I only exceeded the weight limit and the waist size by small amounts, but regardless, my weight limited me!   

As sobering as the truths are, what makes me me is what I chose to do with the information.   Will I settle back on the couch and allow another three months to pass with no exercise and more weight gained?  Or will I say enough is enough and change the trajectory that I have been on.

I am choosing to change the trajectory.   I have tracked my food every day thus far this week. I'm not aiming for perfection with my food.  Right now I am tracking every bite.  I know for me when I track I tend to automatically clean up my eating habits....so right now I'm just tracking.    I have also gotten some exercise in each day.   I'm not aiming for two or three hours.  I"m not even aiming for 1 hour. I'm aiming for at least 20 minutes.  I am not making earth shattering changes right now. But I am making changes that will carry me through a weight loss journey.    I am making changes that can help me get this weight off once and for all!  So look close at the picture from my recent weekend because I want it to be the last you see of me at that weight!