What a weekend

Addiction

Addictive. I can easily become addicted to something and anything. Food is my main addiction. Food gives me a high, it feeds and nurtures every emotion. I am a food addict. But I can also see how my personality lends itself to addictions. I easily become addicted to those stupid games on face book. Farm town, Farm ville, and most recently frontier ville. Frontier ville has been the worst though as it involves challenges. But I want to be the highest player amongst my friends. It's nothing I've ever vocalized, but there it is...I'm competing for the top slot. And in that, I become addicted to the high of leveling up and moving closer to my goal. I become solely focused on something and it monopolizes my life.....I have that tendency.

Is this a bad thing? Sometimes, yeah. I can't sit on my computer staring at my face book games all day. I can't wake up and go directly to the computer. I have responsibilities and I have to have a life. Those games are not life...they are simply one facet of relaxation. Food addiction...yeah, bad. But is it bad to be so focused on something that is a good thing for you? When I was losing weight the first time around...I was incredibly successful. I lost well over 100 pounds. I was doing great...but I was totally focused....anal about it really. I was addicted to the 'hunt'. Losing a pound was my new high. Conquering the food choices at a restaurant was another high. I was single-mindedly focused on losing weight. I don't think that my husband suffered from my single minded focus. (in fact he lost weight too). But I still spent time with him...I still cooked his meals (healthy ones). It was all good. But in my free time, my quiet time, my time....I was single minded in my pursuit. So that's my question. Is it healthy? Is it healthy to turn my food addiction into a single minded quest for losing weight.

I will say that my husband did used to talk about how he was afraid that I wouldn't know how to stop when I did reach goal. That I would continue on toward some un-attainable goal weight. But I set his mind at ease when I did reach 180 and the doctor approved of that weight and I was happy with myself at that weight.

Soooooo my question is addictions.....transference of addictions.....is it ok if it's something healthy? Hmmmmm

Soooo day one of my challenge...and quite honestly with me getting my butt off the proverbial fence that I've talked about for quite some time.....it ended. I did ok. I did nibble on a small handful of mini marshmallows toward the evening. But otherwise, I did really good. I also restarted taking my multi-vitamins. I used to take them religiously...but then just sorta fell away. So i started that too. I also got my water consumption in......I felt like I was going to float because I hadn't been used to drinking all that water on a daily basis...but I'm workin' it!!!!

Today....food is on track thus far. Zumba is tonight...so life is good. :-)

Hot on the trail!

A few things are kicking in for me this week. Number one, my blogger and biking friend Donna and I are kicking it into high gear. We have set goal and we plan on being accountable to each other. Hold me to it also. In fact, check her out and encourage her also!

Here are my goals for this week. Yes, this weeks goals are pretty standard and should be no-brainers, but I have to get myself back on track.

My goals:
1. track every bite I eat
2. Exercise Monday-Friday (even if only for 30 minutes....Tuesday and Wednesday I have in the bag with my zumba class)
3. focus on ME and what I need for this journey.
4. Blog something each and every day.....POSITIVE blogging. Not a lament about where I've been. But something positive about what I'm doing.
5. Accept where I am right now in my journey.

Secondly I am starting a challenge. You can read about it through Seth's Blog (he's the creator and administrator of the challenge that is actually Facebook based). I'm super excited about it as I am VERY competitive. Not to the point of doing something stupid (which against the rules anyway.....another reason why I like his challenge..he wants HEALTH to be first and foremost), but I will work my tail end off to win. That's what I need...motivation! A couple years ago I joined a challenge...it was a mileage challenge that a fellow blogger (sorry, can't remember who.....I'm so sorry, because I would have linked you)had going. The most miles travelled under your own power (read shoe leather express) was the winner. The winner received a new pair of tennis shoes. I walked and walked and walked. And yeah, I won those shoes! I don't always win...I've been in weight loss challenges where I don't...but you know what....I'm motivated and I do lose weight during those challenges...so I'm still a winner. So anyway, that starts today!

So where am I today??? How am I doing today. I woke up and weighed myself (I'm a creature of habit....wake up, use the bathroom, strip off my clothes, weigh myself, put said clothes back on and THEN start the day) for my challenge. SO I have my starting point for that. I immediately moved to the exercise bike and got in 30 minutes. It's a start!

I had created my menu for the week and it is posted on the side of the fridge. Yesterday, I pulled it off the fridge and figured out the points for each meal. I knew round about figures in my head...but I needed exact. Then I rehung the menu. So now, when I go to eat breakfast and pack my lunch for work, I know exactly how many points I have to play with. For example, if dinner utilizes a lot of points, keep my lunch lighter....but if dinner is low points, I can splurge and have my much loved peanut butter and jelly sandwich...which packs a bunch of points.....it's all a trade off)

Something else I did.....this past weekend when I was bringing clothes off the line and putting them away, I organized my closet and my dresser drawers. Of late, when I get dressed, I have to root through drawers and the closet to find something that fits.....as I gained weight I never took out the stuff that was growing too small. Getting dressed was depressing because I had to face those now too small clothes every day. I accepted that they do not fit right now and that they will not fit for a while. I went through and put them all in laundry baskets and bins and they are all sitting neatly on the floor of my closet. My drawers and closet contain only clothes that I can wear. Some of those clothes are tight...but I can wear them! I'm accepting that I gained weight and that I'm starting afresh.

I'm proud to say that my eating has been totally under control the last few days. I haven't binged. I've made healthy choices with my food. I'm happy with my start.

Now just to keep the momentum going. :-)

I'm going to sit down and actually make a plan out for my next week. I sat down with both my work schedule and Todd's work schedule and I planned out our meals (and thus also our grocery list). I know taht when I have a set menu, it's easier to stick with it, both at home and with resisting the urge to go out to eat. Not that eating out is bad....but I'm eating healthy more nutritionally sound foods at home. (we eat naturally and organically at home......restaurants don't typically offer that option....not to mention that I just plain eat more fruits and veggies at home). SO I have that lined up. Now I just need to look at my schedule and actually pencil in some workout times. Tuesday and Wednesday evenings are already accounted for with my Zumba classes.....so that's good. But 2 workouts a week, even though they have my heart rate up and all that jazz, are just not going to cut it. I also recognize that if I look back through my history of weight loss, that when I was losing and doing well......I was not only eating right, I was exercising pretty regularly. SOooooo I've deemed that it's time to start back with that.

Had a problem with my right foot at Zumba last night. It hurt to high heavens....kinda crampy...but not quite a cramp. Go figure. I'm going to see if getting a nice pair of insoles help. We are on a floor.....tiled, but probably concrete underneath...so that's not good.

I'm watching what I eat......so I'm trying to halt the onslaught of weight gain. Actually in the last 4 months or so, I've stayed within the same 5 pound range. So in a way, that's good.......but in a way it's really bad, I want to be losing.

Once again, reaffirming in my head that the weight is NOT what is causing life to be crappy. Losing the weight will NOT be the magical cure to all of lifes woes. But in turn, losing the weight so that I am happy. So that I feel good about myself. So that I live a healthy happy productive life.

That said, turning it back around is ROUGH. I did ok with my eating yesterday and I'm on track for today also....so that's a start. I will go to zumba tonight....and tomorrow night. But I also realize that I need to do more than my two nights of zumba each week. I need to get back on my bike!

Update:
Ok, after reading some blogs, I've decided to eradicate negative talk from my blog (ok, how about I try to focus on the positive).....so after a few weeks of just negativity spewing from my mouth, er fingertips I've decided to make a list of things in my life that are good...that make me happy...etc etc etc.

1. I haven't gained weight. I may not be losing, but maintaining is SOOO much better than gaining!
2. The kitten we found in June (june 8) is doing well. We saved her. She weighed about 5 ounces and had to be bottle fed (force fed really as she didn't even want the bottle)every 3-4 hours night and day for weeks! But she is a healthy active kitten now.
3. My family has their health. Dad's prognosis is good, everyone is relatively healthy.
4. My husband and I both have income. This one is HUGE. I'm so very thankful to have a job and for our business to be generating income for us.


So there is a start!

Frame of Mind

I don't' know that much has improved for me...but I think I'm in a much better frame of mind today. I guess I'm just taking a more positive spin on the happenings of the last 2-3 weeks.
*sprained ankle-- much better
*tonsillitis/strep-- gone
*infected cat bite--much better.....current round of antibiotics will finish that
up
*father's heart- doing well
*husbands flu--over, with no signs that I'm going to get it
*two cats that were rushed to the vet for two separate unrelated issues-seem to
be improving
*overtime- we SHOULD be fully staffed at work on Monday (first time since early
April)
*Personal issues...causing emotional distress-- well, not over, but maybe I'm
just learning how to better deal...or maybe realizing that there is nothing I can
do to change the situation so I need to learn to accept

I woke up early and went to my weight watcher meeting this morning. Predictably I gained. Pretty much, I gained what I lost last week. OK then. I know some of the things that I did wrong. Number one, I didn't track. Number two, I drank MOSTLY diet soda and not water. Diet soda ALWAYS causes me to retain water.

The best way to put it. I'm sitting on the fence. I'm not eating poorly...but I'm not eating totally healthy. I KNOW that I don't want to climb off the fence into the pasture of unhealthiness. I well remember how I felt at 315 pounds...I don't want to go back there and conversely, I remember how GREAT I felt at my goal weight...I want to feel that again. So I know which side of the fence that I want to be on. I just need to get the courage, motivation and persistence to jump off the fence and STAY off the fence!

That said......eating healthy......I'm reasonably sure that healthy foods also promote healthy emotions. I REALLY need to be eating healthy!

Blecchhhhhh

I think that about sums everything up.

Apathy

I'm still struggling with some issues that are making me feel just down and miserable...but I'll keep trucking along.

At my WW weigh in, I lost 2.8 pounds. I honestly have no clue how.....it was the week that typically I gain or at the best show a maintain AND my eating has been atrocious. I suspect stress to play a part. Who knows. I was determined to get my eating back under control...but my weekend has not been all that great eating wise. It hasn't been all that bad though.....meaning it could have been worse. So who knows.

We did get a nice bike ride in on Sunday. Felt good. Tonight I start back with Zumba. I'm looking forward to it. I think my ankle will be ok with it. It's been feelin' pretty good of late.

Strep? No. But a raging case of tonsilitis......how fun. So I'm on antibiotics...but i'm pretty much pain free now (and definitely no longer contagious).

With everything going on...and this just struggle to put one foot in front of the other, I'm feeling really apathetic toward watching what I eat. I haven't tracked in ages. I plan to remedy that and start tracking TODAY!

Life keeps kickin' me. I'm so insanely busy. Running literally from dawn until 12 or 1 in the morning. My foot is slowly healing after stepping in that pesky ground hog hole....but now, I'm struggling with something that I suspect is strep throat. Yes, I'm going to the doctor today. But that just makes for a miserable day (actually started bothering me on Wednesday......a couple hours before our concert...chicago and the doobie brothers)...and by Thursday morning my glands were swollen and considerable amount of pain to swallow. LOVELY. Earliest doctors appointment....friday at 4. So I'm waiting.....

My weight, somehow down on the scales this morning. Not sure how.......eating has been atrocious. My only thought....stress. I've got a LOT on my mind. Stuff that is debilitating in it's intensity. So not a good way.

A week? You have to be kidding me!

Has it really been a week since I last wrote anything on here???? HOw in the world do I catch up from a weeks worth of craziness? OK OK OK...lets do this one day at a time.

Tuesday June 22-
I didn't make it to Zumba. I took my clothes to work so that I would be prepared to go. But I had to run to the library and post office on my lunch break. I walked. By the time I got back to work, my foot was THROBBING. I decided that this journey is about HEALTh. The health of my foot was at risk........and if walking to the post office (1-2 blocks) hurt badly, what in the world would 1 hour of zumba do! So I went home instead. My eating, was under control throughout that day...but no exercise.

Wednesday June 23-
Woke up early and make pancakes and turkey bacon for us for breakfast and then I skeddadled up to meet mom and dad at their house. Dad had his heart catherization scheduled. We drove down to dc and thus began the waiting and the shuffling back and forth from waiting room to waiting room (as they moved him around the hospital, we moved to different waiting rooms). I had taken some fat free pringles as a snack. Turns out it was a good thing......the way things were scheduled and the way they had us moving...I dind't make it to the cafeteria for lunch....or dinner. Mom and I ate on the way home from DC....at about 10PM. We ate at Macaroni's. I ordered a salad as a starter (something healthy at least) and then mom and I split a 4 cheese pizza and the chicken cannaloni. So my eating was off kilter...but in the grand scheme of things probably not too bad.

*report on dad.......of the three...one artery was not blocked at all. One artery had about 60% blockage and the third was blocked about 90%...they put a stent in to repair the 90% bloackage

Thursday June 24-
Woke up super early to head to DC....mom wanted to be there when the doctors came in to talk to dad. Stopped at Dunkin' Doughnuts on the way down.....caved and didn't just buy 1 doughnut...oh no, I bought three! And I ate all three of my doughnuts on the way down the road. (strawberry filled, peanut butter filled, maple glazed for you foodies out there). We got down there and sat with dad until he was discharged...and then we brought him home. I had a turkey sub for lunch....and I made dinner at home and we ate that. Way too much food consumed and no exercise!

Friday June 25-
Wow a somewhat normal day. I worked all day long....LONG LONG day. Eating was pretty much under control.

Saturday June 26th
The fun begins again. Todd was out the door at 3:30AM. I was up at 5AM. I got myself ready for my day, packed the car, packed my lunch and headed out. I had my weigh in on Saturday morning.... I lost 4/10ths of a pound. Not a lot...but you know what...I didn't gain! I ate my breakfast (peanut butter and jelly sandwich) on the way to work. I worked 4 hours and then headed out for Romney, WV...which is about 2 hours away. I ate my lunch (peanut butter and jelly sandwich...hey, it was easier to make two...and since I love PB&J....) on my way to Romney. Why Romney? We were running sound at a big bluegrass festival. So it wtas outside for me all day (once I got there) and then lots of work packing everything up after the festival. We pulled out of the festival grounds at about 11:30 or so.....we would have gotten to the hotel room to eat at about midnight..but our intern blew out her tire...so that delayed us. The festival didn't have fresh food put out at dinnertime, so we ended up stopping on the way to the hotel to pick up food at a convience store....not healthy...and since it was literally 13 hours since I had last eaten...I had a turkey wrap....a whoopie pie and a bag of sun chips. YIKES! Oh yeah, I also had full outright sugary lemonade at the festival.

Sunday June 27th-
Breakfast at the hotel......cheese danish (tasty, and not the healthiest...but healthy options didn't abound). Drive home.....then an hour or so out in the heat unloading gear from the truck (moving some gear back to our van...some gear back into storage)......we ran to pick up straw...and then returned the van. We stopped for lunch and I had a turkey wrap and a salad. A short trip to the grocery store and then home. We relaxed inside for the rest of the afternoon.....ate dinner (fat free turkey dogs, baked beans) and then we headed outside......I spread straw (mulch) in our vegetable garden...and picked wild raspberries.

And that brings us to Monday June 28th...today. I woke up early and turned those raspberries into jelly....got ready and carted myself off to work....and here I sit. I'm worried about my dad, who is still havign chest pains. I'm worried about my cousin, who was admitted back into the neurological ward of the John Hopkins yesterday (last year she had some problems and it was discovered Rheumatic Fever....so that's flaring up). And I'm just not wanting to be at work. There have been some other more personal things going on lately...that are just difficult. ARRGGHHHH Eating today will be on track. I already did good with breakfast...lunch is packed and is nice and healthy. Dinner....well this is sad, but since we have lots of outside work today tonight, dinner will probably be more hotdogs on the grill. (easy...and already thawed...haa haa haa...and since they are fat free turkey dogs......actually low points).

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Life has been a whirlwind. On Thursday I convened with mom and dad at the hospital for Dad's heart cath. After some talking and some information that hadn't been given to us earlier, it was decided to postpone the heart cath and reschedule it for a hospital that actually has the capabilities for open heart surgery...in case of problems. I had mom and dad to dinner that evening. On friday I worked and then we went to dinner with mom and dad. On Saturday I left the house early to head to my weight watcher meeting and then hit up the city market where I sat with mom at her booth. I left there and headed to mom and dad's house where I mowed their three properties and also for good measure I mowed for my uncle. I had lunch with mom and dad and then mom and I headed out to a few stores. (I desperately needed tennis shoes) I headed home, mulched and then mowed our place before starting dinner. It was a full day. Sunday we woke up and headed out on our bikes. We lunched in Harpers Ferry and then hit up a local flea market before heading home. Another busy day. So I'm still around.

My weight....I was actually up .4 on Saturday. Surprisingly, after my weekend (I ATE)...I'm still showing basically a maintain. I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth...and I'm getting it under control NOW. Strict with my food the rest of this week.

Well, as good as I can this week. Dad was rescheduled for Wednesday at a hospital in the DC area....so I'll be dining on cafeteria foods. Joy joy. But you know what. I can do it! I WILL do it!

My foot had been giving me grief all last week. It felt almost muscular in it's pain....right on top of the foot, almost up at the joint between foot and leg and then the pain wrapped around the outer part of the foot. WELL.......while mowing, I stepped into a ground hog hole. I went DOWN and had to sit there on the ground for at least 5 minutes until I could move. Luckily it was the same foot....unluckily it was the opposite side of the foot...the ankle.....so now the whole foot just feels horrible.

Am I going to Zumba? Yeah.....I'll take advil an hour or so before and I'll lower my intensity while there. Am I stupid....apparently. LOL

They are multiplying

They are multiplying, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Looked out the window this morning and voila....another cat has appeared. What the heck??????? This is sooo uncool. The only good thing...this cat doesn't hang out here. And the gray and white kitties don't hang out here.....only the mother hangs out with us. Not that that's much of a consolation.

Got on the exercise bike last night...legs felt like dead weight.....I honestly didn't make it far/long......plus other things were calling my name. I've got got got to get back in the habit of exercising first thing in the morning.

Little kitty and working overtime are really putting a damper on my scheduling. I wake up and go feed and take care of little kitty. That usually takes 30-45 minutes. I rush out and pick strawberries...rush back in and make and eat my breakfast and straighten the kitchen...rush to get ready for work. I work....usually with some overtime thrown in (at least until we are fully staffed again...should be 3-4 weeks from yesterday...depending on how the new hires do in training), rush home from work (I get off at 6PM) and immediately begin the kitty routine...there is another 30-45 minutes...which takes me to 7pm.....I still need to eat.....and then clean up.. Throw in there the normal house cleaning things, paying of bills, laundry..........ARRGGGHHH SLOW DOWN LIFE!

Tonight is Zumba. Todd will be home (the only evening this week....arrggghh) but I'm going anyway...I NEED to go. I'll make dinner when I get home at 8PM. Since he'll be home I'll not have to do too much with the little kitty.

I lost 2.8 pounds at my meeting! WOO HOOO

This weekend was just absolutely nuts. I ran and worked non-stop. I did have my splurge MEAL on Saturday night. But it was that. A aplurge meal. It wasn't a splurge weekend! PLUS, the splurge meal was after working outside for a few hours. Then Sunday I worked non-stop in the house, outside, everywhere all day long, cleaning, mowing, mulching, weeding, laundry...you name it. So my weight this morning....UP. I don't like to see it up. BUT, yesterday while I drank my water I also drank three bottles of diet soda. Diet soda contains sodium (and some of the ingredients in diet soda are high in sodium). When I drink diet soda my weight usually pops up so it's not unexpected. AND, last night I cooked a turkey ham. I'm assuming that turkey hams have as much sodium that a regular ham does.....so I'm confident that my weight will drop back down today as I drink lots of water.

I set up my food intake page and I've been really lax about entering my info into it. I'm determined to fix that. I also today set up an activity/exercise page to keep track of that! I've got to be accountable!

I'm stressed out. I love cats. I love them with all my heart. I mean, I have a family of cats that I love dearly.



But somehow in the last two weeks, we have gone from taking care of our five cats....to taking care of 9 stinkin' cats!

The first addition was a cat that has been strolling around our property for the last two years. He started coming up on our porch and just looking in. I held firm in the rule of "no feeding the outside kitties" but my softy of a husband couldn't resist...so what was I to do??? So there is one.

The second addition occured last Tuesday. The runt of the litter of one of the barn cats at the studio was abandoned at the door of hte studio. He spent all day trying to get it back to it's mother, but she would turn it's back and walk away. That's just sad. Sooooo we carted over this baby kitten. This baby kitten is NOT supposed to have a name. This baby kitten is supposed to be shipped off to a good home as soon as it's weaned and healthy. (she's on antibiodies and is being bottle fed every few hours as of right now). BUT, my husband has named it Winifred. ARRGGGGHHHHHHH Hopefully she'll 'cuten up'.


The last two additions came this morning......do you remember that first addition that todd started to feed because he was on the porch staring into our kitchen. HE is not a he.....he's a she and SHE brought two kittens to our front deck. They are capable of eating dry cat food already....probably 3-4 pounds already. So they are not tiny like the second addition. But 4 freakin' extra cats to feed. This is getting ridiculous!!!!

I've spent the last week feeding my parents cat spooky, so I guess I've been responsible for 10 cats this week. that is quite a few too many.

ARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

On a good note, the first tomatoes have come off the vines....they are sooooo succulent and juicy. BLT's yesterday. A nice garden salad today!

I'm hanging in there. I've kept my eating under control the last few days....keeping it within my daily points allotment and NOT eating my flex points, which sadly enough for me has to be the case. We'll see if I get any results on the scales....

Last night made a Crustless Banana Cream Pie....it was quite tasty!

Other than that....life is just kickin' me right now. I'm gonna do everything to keep my eating under control and not eat my sorrows away. This morning I was feeling REALLY down....I had my breakfast (smoothie and a small piece of banana bread). I struggled becuase I was just down and lets face it, I'm a food addict...I eat for every emotion. BUT, I didn't do it this morning. I didn't want to add self disgust to my feelings. I'm gonna win this war with my addiction...just to spite of the beatin' that life is giving me right now.

Today is just a day to go home, crawl into bed and just cry until there is nothing left.....alas, 5 more hours of work....and then off to cat sit for a bit.....I've got hours before I'll see my bed.

exhaustion

it's Monday morning and I woke up tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired. I'm just tired. I'm not surprised...the weekend was a total whirlwind of activity.

It started early Friday morning. I woke up at 5:30. I had things to do to get ready to leave for our mini trip. Things that I wanted to get done before I went to work. So I was out picking strawberries at dawn. I rushed around all morning and arrived for work on time (actually a bit eary). I worked 7:45-1 and then I rushed home. I quickly swapped out my shoes for comfy flip flops and jumped back into the car. We headed up the road. Two and a half hours (give or take a few minutes) we arrived in Lancaster County......Ephrata to be exact....and to be even more precise, we were at the Green Dragon....a big farmers market. I stopped for a minute to call my parents as my father had a stress test done that morning and I wanted to hear the results. Dad is taking it well...mom's still weepy 3 days later.....Dad is going in for a heart cath in about two weeks. So that bummed me out.

After talking a few minutes in the parking lot about my dad's situation and calling in to work to put in a request for a day off on the day of his heart cath so that I can be with my mother (apprently if he needs a stent put in, 50% of the time they have to send them down to DC or Baltimore) we headed into the dragon. We walked through and saw the sights. We actually ended up not buying anything. After the the Green Dragon, we decided to head to our hotel. We made a quick stop at a Kmart on the way there to pick up some icyhot for todd's stiff neck. We checked into our hotel at roughly 5PM. Donna was sitting off of the lobby on the computer when I walked in. Todd and I carted our stuff up to our room and then headed down to Donna and Andy's room to chit chat and make our plans for the evening. Dinner out (yummy Family Cupboard) and a short shopping excursion and then back to the hotel to our respective rooms to relax for the evening. The next morning I was up again at the crack of dawn to get ready. Everyone met up early for breakfast at the hotel and then it was off to our bike ride.


Pedal to Preserve is a fantastic bike ride that raises money for the Lancaster Farmland Preservation Trust. (they work to preserve and save the farmlands in Lancaster County). The ride takes you by some of these saved farms and through some of the most bucolic farmland. They did change the route a bit this year and we had 2 hills that we did not encounter last year. They were right at the beginning, I put my mind to this task and I powered up them. I went slow...but I did it. My feet did not touch the ground! I completed the ride! WEEE I was honestly worried because admittedly, I've been doing really poorly with my exercise...and in particular with riding my bike. After our ride, we headed to Intercourse to the Canning company to pick up a few things (they have the most awesome cranberry relish....and clean bathrooms for us to change our clothes) and then we went out to lunch with Donna and Andy. After our late lunch we said goodby and split up. Todd and I went down to the Bird-in-hand farmers market. They have cider and cherry cider....25 cents a cup. It's a tradition...and quite yummy. At that point we headed home. We stopped and got some groceries on the way home and got home at around 6 or 7. I put everything away and made dinner and we watched a show together on tv and then we fell into bed exhausted.

Saturday morning I was up at the crack of dawn again. I got a few things done around the house and then headed to the battlefield to meet up with Sherry to walk. We walked and talked the whole time
and then because we weren't done talking, we walked some more. She came back to my place and I picked a few strawberries for her and we ended up talking some more...till 10:30. I straightened the house quickly and then made lunch for Todd and I and then we headed out with our van full of sound equipment to a local organic farm for a bluegrass in the barn concert. We worked to set up our stuff from about 12:30 until the sound check at 2:30. The concert started at 4 and we were able to start packing up after the concert at around 7PM. We got home....I made a quick dinner and then we had friends that were stopping by to drop off some stuff. They stayed until about 11. And I literally fell into bed exhausted. (sorry the pictures of the concert are still on my camera!)

Non-stop activity.

So here I am...Monday morning

Best laid

First of all, I've decided to add my food as a 'page' that you can click to see what I'm eating. That way it's there for the world to see....but yet everyone doesn't have to read the boring day to day drone of my eating and feel compelled to tell me that I ate too many carbs or that I should cut back on my fruit becuase it's too much 'natural sugar'. haa haa haa

But, I had my eating all laid out for yesterday and life was going well....until I was in a 4 car pile up. I was actually the last car to get hit and while it pushed me about 2-3 feet forward, I somehow managed to not hit the car in front of me. My car sustained NO damage...not even a scratch....I have no clue how. Todd has a stiff neck....my shoulder is sore. Now in all fairness, my shoulder gives me grief a lot, so it just aggrevated that issue. But of course sitting there for 2 hours while they sorted it out.....cleared out hte cars that were totalled and had to be towed away and all that rigamarole pushed me to eat REALLy late. And that limited my options. I did the best that I could.

This is my crazy busy weekend.....hooking up with friends tonight. Bike ride tomorrow morning. 5K Sunday morning. Bluegrass concert that we are running sound for Sunday afternoon......and back to the grind monday morning. All good fun.

mf

So today is my brainstorming session.......how to tame the mini-me...that addiction.

For a while I tried posting my food intake on my blog. But honestly, I got sick of people discecting what I was eating. A simple "good job" or a simple word of encouragement after a bad day would be enough. I know when I'm bad......don't kick me when I'm down. But in theory, posting my food on here works...becuase I'm embarrassed about my addiction. It embarrasses the doo doo out of me to lose control. Hmmmm....maybe I could make a separate blog for my food intake ....and put at the top "leave on encouraging comments.....no need to dissect my food intake....I know when I have a bad day and would appreciate your support, not you berating me for having a little too many carbs or whatever my sin is for that day". Hmmmm....another blog does seem like a lot of work though. hmmmmm For that matter, would it be rude to put that as a note on the comment page...or at the bottom of any post?

Will power.....I have to simply starve that addiction out. No no no, I'm not turning anorexic on you. When I mean starve that mini me out, I mean that I need to exercise every once of self control that I have to not 'feed' the addiction. To eat my food, enjoy it to the fullest but to stop at the appropriate time. Having a second helping to recapture the rapture of the first helping is NOT acceptable. Will power, will power will power!

I honestly can't think of anything else. Hypnosis? Therapist? Wire my mouth shut and eat my food through a straw????

So I'll start for today.

Wednesday food intake:
breakfast: strawberry banana smoothie
lunch: summer salad (bean salad)
strawberries (ohhh fresh from the garden.....absolute rapture....sweetness bursting upon my tastebuds!...picked just that morning at 6AM)
applesauce -home canned....no sugar
2 fat free fig newtons
Afternoon snack: fresh cherries
Dinner (it was late...I got home from work at 6PM, I picked up shingles from the old roof that todd tore off...and then mowed........so I ran out and picked up dinner at 9 or so)
Turkey and cheese sub with lots of added veggies
diet soda (sadly, no water with dinner)
fat free frozen yogurt


Water intake- about 40 ounces
multivitamin-uhhhhh I forgot
exercise-does squatting to pick strawberries for an hour in the morning count? Does picking up a whole roof worth of shingles and old felt and rotten wood count???? No?? Well then no exercise.

I AM

I am an addict. Plain and simple. My drug of choice is perfectly legal and actually even encouraged and a necessity. I chose food. I stand so strong with plans to conquer my addiction. I have plans. I have dreams. I want so much to lose my weight. But I have this addiction...this voice in my head. This overwhelming desire to shovel food into my body just to feel the high of the incredible tastes and textures exploding in my mouth. My mind knows how good food is.....yet my mind also knows that I need to control these desires, these cravings, this out of control eating frenzy that I am prone to. So if I know that I need to control it, why is it so difficult? It's difficult because of what I call my mini-me. My mini-me is fueled by my addiction. My mini-me is constantly yelling at me, telling me to eat. Telling me that it's OK to indulge in that cookie, because I deserve it. It's my mini me that comes up with these incredibly far fetched ideas....that the doughnut knot that is 3 inches in diameter would have the same calories as a small 1 inch doughnut hole" My mini-me is smart. When it's time to exercise, my Mini-me convinces me that I'm too tired, or the weather isn't right or whatever the reason of the day is. You see, my mini-me knows that if I exercise that it sparks me to eat healthy...and healthy eating does NOT fuel my mini-me. I thought that I had it licked for a while. I lost weight and I thought I had safely locked this addiction...this mini-me into a closet, never to be heard from again. I still faintly heard the mini-me voice yelling at me...but I had it under control. I was on top of the world...I had my addiction under control. But the mini-me escaped and took up residence front and center in my mind...and here I am, once again a struggling addict.

I remember the days where I was so strong. They would bring food to work and I would ignore it. No bite passed my lips. I knew that if I started, I would never stop. The analogy that refer to it as is...My mini-me needs junk food and unhealthy food in order to survive...without the junk food, the mini-me loses power and it's voice becomes week. So as soon as I start eating something that I shouldn't, that voice grows. My addiction rears it's ugly head and I need to have more and more and more. So I used to be so strong. It was actually a joke at work, that I wouldn't eat anything. But that girl has been choked out by this addiction.

Yesterday they brought doughnut knots, cookies and brownies into work. I had been determined to keep it under control all day, but I saw those doughnuts and my addiction went into overdrive. My mini-me started screaming at me. "It's been so long since you had a doughnut". So I looked it up and figured it out. I could eat one, and it wouldn't ruin my eating plan for the day. So I had one. But one became two and two became three. And then I had to sample the brownies. They were so moist and chewy, I was in heaven........so later in the day I had a second. I was a sugar shovelling fiend....and the more food I shovelled into my mouth, the more self disgust and self hatred I feel. I lose control. And yes, I know that I am the one that should ultimately be in control, and I am the only one that can take the blame...but it's like all rational thought leaves my head once I start eating.

I am making a vow, right here and now. My mini-me will be locked into a closet again, and this time, I'm not going to give it the chance to slither out!

Chicago!

Chicago!, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Not the city....not the musical....the band. Yes, we went to see them last night in Lancaster, PA. Good show, although the crowd was a bit sluggish (very old, actually....I felt positively like a baby.....definitely one of the youngest in the crowd).

So eating yesterday...ughhh For that matter, eating this week.....uggghhhh. I've totally lost control. Ok, wait, not totally. I haven't eaten tons of cake and tons of sugar. I've eaten too many carbs. meals for the last few days.......sandwiches. I've been sorely lacking in my fruits and veggies.

Drinking? Water...what's that? I actually was doing ok through Tuesday...and then started to slip on Wednesday.....and yesterday....well, I did buy one bottle of water in our travels....not that I drank it. I did however drink a FREAKIN' TON of diet soda yesterday!

Exercise? Lets say non-existent. I've done some active things.....and I did go to Zumba the other night. I fell into the trap of "I don't feel well....definitely not 100%, so I"m not going to exercise". So I haven't really exercised much. Not cool.

Extenuating circumstances.....a concert, some light traveling, the first time in 2 weeks that I've had any time off with my husband. (the last few weeks have been me waking up and leaving for work while he's stlil asleep......I get home from work and he's gone and doesn't get home until midnight or later......and by then I'm either already asleep or halfway threre.) , being sick. have I had valid excuses as to why my behavior has gone haywire? Well absolutely. BUT are there these excuses usable? NO NO NO.....I could have and should have kept it under control. Those situations are really no reason to eat. No reason to not exercise. No reason to skip my water drinking or veggies. But at least I know WHY I will be posting a bad week on the scales at my meeting tomorrow.

Soooo how does one actually make it to string 2 good weigh in weeks back to back. I seem to do one good one and then fall apart. What's up with this? It's something I want soooo darn badly, yet I'm failing miserable....through no fault buy my own!

Missing...but still kickin'

I haven't fallen off the bandwagon. I thought I had a really bad case of allergy/pollen problems. But it turns out that it was the start of a miserable cold/flu. So I've spent the last few days literally sleeping it off on the couch. I sleep for 2-3 hours and then am awake for about an hour...then back to sleep. And yes, I'm sleepign the night through also. I drug myself out of bed early this morning to hit up my weight watcher meeting AND to get some groceries (we were woefully out of some of the staples in life that couldn't be ignored any longer). I came home wiped totally out and then whadya know...I slept the afternoon away. I've actually been awake since 7PM (it's 9:30) and I'm about ready to drop.

The good news...all this sleeping has kept me from wanting to eat (and when I'm awake I'm was so weak and dizzy that I just laid on the couch and didn't want to move). So I posted a 2.8 pound loss. This puts my weight loss total back at 90 pounds! Watch out 100 pounds gone!!! I'm gathering speed and I"ll knock you over soon!!!