A busy Day

So I have been trying to accept and move on.........

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Today was busy.  I woke up and why yes....I did get my run in!  5 miles of running and if I include my warm up walk and my cool down walk I knocked out 5.5 miles.  Not bad.   I know when I was running higher miles before that about mile 4 or 5 my knee would start to bother me.  It did again today.  And as for this evening?  OUCH, the arthritis is kicking!  (wow look at those chapped lips!)

After my run I relaxed a bit at the house and then went to my nieces gymnastic meet.  

Afterward I stayed hom and watched  movie and then went out for a bite to eat with my parents.  Now I'm home....finishing laundry and getting ready to watch the walking dead!

A smidge of this and a smidge of that

Whoopie Pies.... I got home from work and there were four red velvet whoopie pies laying on the dining room table.   I knew that they were leftover from the market where my mother sells baked goods (yes, is it any wonder I've gained weight since living here with my parents???).  I knew it was something I could eat...yet I held off.  I ignored that whoopie pie for 3 hours!   Yes, I did!    And then....well......  It was DELICIOUS!    GRRRRR

Thursday and Friday were good running paraphernalia days for me.   Earlier this week I ordered a Running Buddy from Amazon.  I've been seeing the advertisements and I checked out the reviews and they look to be pretty good.  I HATE running with an arm band.  In the winter I just tuck my phone in my pocket of my sweatshirt...but what do you do in the summer?  Tuck your phone in your bra?   Carry it?   Wear a dreaded armband?   So I saw these little pocket thingies.  They have a flap and the flap goes on the inside of your pants and the pocket goes on the outside  It is kept in place by two strong magnets.  Hmmmm.  I bite and bought one.  (Ohhh and did I mention that it's big enough for my iphone 6plus??? Well it is!)  It came in the mail on Thursday.  Then last night I ended up running into Walmart with a friend.   I couldn't resist the bright pink pants!   From there it was an easy leap to buy the 'no slip headband'  (ha no slip...we shall see about that..headbands ALWAYS slip on me...I must have a misshapen head or something!).   So I will be decked out in new gear tomorrow when I attempt a 5 mile run. 

I am starting to think about what I will wear for my 10 mile run.  Maybe my new pants.  hmmm    Hot pink sounds fun anytime right???  Hat or non slip headband is a big question...probably hat.....hmmmm pink hats...I have my Chicago (the band) breast cancer awareness hat...or my pink hershey kiss hat......decisions decisions.  Oh goodie...maybe I should buy a Charleston, SC hat while I'm down there.   But ohhh heavens...I'm planning on going to the expo.....who knows what I'll be buying!

Yes, I am 2 weeks exactly from my 10k.  Actually, two weeks from right now I will be either sitting saying "wow....I did it.....or drat I failed miserably!"   I have run three times in the last week.  Tomorrow is a 5 mile run...then through the next week I plan on running at least 3-4  two to three mile runs.   THen next Saturday or Sunday hit up another 4-5 mile run and then hit one or two 2 mile runs that week before the 10k.  Yes, I think I should really have run a 6 mile training run...but you know what.....If I can do 5 miles I can do 6......chump change!

skin of my teeth

I'm still holding steady in my efforts.  I've been regular with my exercise this week and I've kept my eating under control. (Ok, yesterday lunch was a bit much....but then I wasn't hungry the rest of the day so I kinda just snacked...)

On Tuesday I was so excited because the scales were showing me down.  Then life happened and even though my eating wasn't out of control and my exercise is spot on.....the scales are not being friendly to me right now.  Hopefully they will right themselves within a few days.  It's frustrating to say the least.  

I went running today and well......I started out aiming for a 4 miles run.  I made it a bit shy of 3 miles..  Better than no miles!   I struggled from the get go to regulate my breathing.  It was just all over the place.  Regardless I did it.

Emotionally....I'm struggling...but hanging on, by the skin of my teeth.

Can this be it???

Saturday was the end of the road for me.  I decided I was tired of feeling this way.   As Paula and I made our plans I was committed.  I was going to do this.   The Cooper River Bridge (Yes, in Charleston, SC) run was looming and honestly I was petrified about being prepared to run it.  (Call me crazy but my brutal two mile runs that I had been putting in once a month...ok maybe twice a month wasn't going to suffice and I knew it!).   Spending the day with Paula was just what I needed.   We made our tentative plans for this half marathon (October 31 in Philly) and we made a challenge for each other.    I just had to start carrying out these plans and working toward my goals.  We were confronted all day be health and fitness....even as far as seeing a small health expo.  Where I decided to listen to the chiropractic spiel.  (Was not impressed with her....AT ALL...but it made a fun picture.

Sunday dawned and it was warm.  I got ready to head out to run.   4 miles later and I was done.  It took me an hour to run those four miles and there were moments where I (may or may not have) rolled my eyes a few times during the run.  But I ran 4 miles.  I feel a bit better about the prospect of completing a 10k at the end of this month.  I was slow.  Really slow.  As in if I run at that speed I'll finish it 10-15 minutes slower than the 10k in October. 

I also kept my eating under control on Sunday.   Yes, really!!!!!   Not just under control....I tracked!  Was I over a bit?  Yes, I was over my budget of 1200 calories.  But oh wait, I ran for an hour.   (Yes, you burn a fair amount of calories as a fat girl running....ha ha ha....see there are perks to being fat!)   So in reality, I was spot on (and I didn't eat all my earned calories so it's a good thing!)

So how is Monday going?    Well, my eating has been spot on thus far. (and tracked).  I ran 2 miles this morning. (Admittedly, it was a more rough run this morning than yesterday...but that's ok...some runs will be difficult some will be awesome). 

 I have my gym bag packed and in my possession so that I can get myself to Zumba after work tonight. Why yes, I plan on going to zumba tonight.   My legs are achy today but I know that I will push through at zumba and that I'll feel wonderful after we stretch and call it a night.  :-)

Water consumption.  Check.  I'm doing well with the water intake too!

I thought I would take a few minutes to respond to the inquiry/comments about my cats.  My cats are not in any pain or unhappy and miserable with their 'old age' conditions.  Ethel gets stiff from her arthritis as do most older 'folks'.  But she still trucks around and enjoys life (and yes, I do have some things set up to make it easier for her to navigate). Yes, Lucy has an inoperable cancerous tumor, but if you spent time with her it's obvious that she is not in pain from it. (In fact the vet said she probably wouldn't be even up to the end....and they gave me the signs to look for to know when I need to bring her in for an intervention)  That said, that old girl gets around better than my 5 year old cat.  Lucy is also a happy cat, always purring and wanting loved. My cats are under a veterinarians care.  Regardless of any heroic measures a veterinarian may suggest (mine is pretty grounded and I don't expect heroic measures for my old girls)  I would not allow my cats to live in misery.  I know that the day will come when I have to make that decision.  But that day is not today.  My cats are living a happy life.  (well, they are unhappy when they want to go upstairs and their grandma and grandpa aren't home to let them upstairs....meaning they have to stay downstairs in my personal area.....and yes, they let their grandma and grandpa know what they want and they get what they want!!!!!)

Plans

Maybe this will be a post in pictures......  hmmm

I am doing well with the water and I'm trying to incorporate more fruist and veggies into my diet.  

My swag for the Cooper River Bridge Run arrived.   I am woefully prepared but it is 3 weeks away come hell or high water. (possibly both).

Still enjoying my niece and nephews.  :-) 

I will stop to say that I have a challenge that I'm starting tomorrow.  I should be eligible to actually file for the divorce in October of this year (stupid waiting period).  My friend Paula and I also plan on running a half marathon in October.  We are tentatively looking at running a Rock and Roll half in Philadelphia on October 31.  So this is a multi part challenge.  I want to be 50 pounds lighter.  I'm not going to beat around the bush.  I've gained 15-20 pounds since the separation commenced. I'm at the HIGHEST weight I've been in a LONG time.  So 50 pounds will put me back in onederland.  I want that.  That is my goal...so when I go to that divorce hearing that I'm sitting at a nice low weight!   I also want to run this half marathon at a much lower weight.     My friend has a weight goal also.  She is closer to her goal weight (and shorter).   So we are aiming for 1 pound a week for her and 2 pounds a week for me.   There are a few 'mess up' weeks for us in there...but we have a goal and a fun idea of where we can flaunt our new bodies.   The running/training will help us lose the weight too.  All hand in hand.  So that is the plan we concocted today.  ha ha ha ha

Consistency

Working on water consumption.  I've talked a few times about my move and the taste of the water where I'm at.  I was used to well water.  Here the water is good water, but it's highly chlorinated.  I feel like I'm drinking straight up pool water.  I've tried bottled water (that's just annoying and the extra jug/pitcher of water is space consuming) and lemon (good for a quick fix but not on a daily basis).    And then I stumbled upon the Britta Bottles.  I bought one to try.   It worked  The water tastes, dare I say it 'good'.   So I quickly bought a second one and I'm on a roll.  I am doing much better with my water consumption.

So maybe I found the trick for that aspect of this journey.
The eating. YIKES   Lets just say that it's crazy and I KNOW I have to change it. I'm feeling miserable  plain and simple.   And lets talk about the fact that my clothes are all getting tight.  GRRR  This is NO FUN!   Something has to happen.  Either I give up and decide to be a sluggard or I start being careful again.     Being a sluggard is tempting. I have an addition.  I don't have an addiction to one type of food.  My 'type of food' that I turn to changes.  One day it may be potato chips.  The next day it may be peanut butter.  Cake.  Bread.  Pasta.  Pie.  I can be anything.  And it makes it hard and so utterly tempting to just give in.  However.  I don't like this feeling.  So I'm gonna have to kick and claw.  It doesn't help that 'tis the season' for peanut butter eggs.   Ohhhh peanut butter how I love you. (ha ha ha)  Either way  I know that I can do it.  And I CAN resist the food that calls my name on any given day. I've done it before.  It is possible.  I know that it will take consistency in my efforts to achieve my goals.

Seaking of consistency.  This weather we have been having is pretty consistently crappy.   And it's upsetting the consistency of my attempts to run and my attempts to train for his 10K that is in a few short weeks.   GRRRR This 10k is going to be brutal.  But i I have to run/walk it, I will!  No worries.  And Paula is talking about doing a 1/2 marathon this fall..one of the Rock and Roll halves......Am I nuts for saying "Sure!  Sounds like fun!"   I will need consistency for that to happen.   Hmmmm

Somber

I'm gaining weight.  Plain and simple.  I'm gaining weight.   I know why I'm gaining and I just seem powerless to stop it.

You see, I have a food addiction.  And just like an alcoholic turns to the bottle when life just kinda....well....sucks.  I turn to food.  It's not an excuse.  It's just a fact.  Food is my drug of choice.   It was highlighted this morning as I decided to pick up a breakfast sandwich on the way to work.  Burger King.   Yeah, that's a bad sign right there.  And when I order my meal and ask for it to be upsized to the biggest size possible because I need the big drink is the next bad sign.  Is that everything?  Why no....the mini cinnabons are there.  Would I like one two or three?   Why three of course!  And I scarfed that food down while driving down the road.....even the deliciously gooey cinnabon mini's!   Lunch.....oh lets just let it drop.  I was emotional (was is an understatement...AM) and I ate today.

I know that this has to stop.  I have to stop the weight gain.  I have to stop this.  I want to lose not gain.

I've long said that weight loss goes hand in hand with emotional health and boy this is proving it.

The emotions.  Yes, it bothers me that my ex is Mr. Jovial and  Mr. Man that is out dating and being the man that I had always wished I had in my life.   I don't want him back, but it bothers me to see him doing stuff that I would have given my eyeteeth to do and have.  That coupled with more dating disasters on my end (I have knick names for the guys I've seen/talked to......and they are not very complimentary......tiny taco, the elf,  blacktooth.....)  Just too much.  Bring on the food.

I'm going to vow again to try to bring it under control.  Maybe this time will be the magical attempt.

Checking in

Well, here I am again.  I feel fat bloated and just miserable.  Why oh why do I do it to myself?   My parents eat so differently from what I am used to....just getting meatless food sometimes is difficult.  It's not stubborness, it's just not thinking, 'cooking the spaghetti sauce in the pan that you browned the meatballs is just as bad as adding beef to the sauce because of all the little itty bits of beef left in the sauce!'   I feel bad because my parents are nice enough to feed their wayward daughter so I eat it.  grrrr.  But that is more of a personal preference.  The issue that I'm REALLY struggling with is the sweets.  My mom bakes so there is always stuff here.  No one forces me to eat this stuff.  I'm doing it to myself!  Yet I seem to lack any kind of will power to resist!  

That said, I am doing just a tad bit better.  A tad.  The leftover chocolate icing still gets me every time.  :-)  But hey, at least I'm eating the homemade chocolate (delicious) icing on a banana and on strawberries!

The diet soda thing.....well.......it's still an ongoing issue as evidenced in the picture.  Buying a super sized fountain drink wasn't enough, I had to have a spare can handy!  This has gotta change too.  Today I bought a britta water bottle.  Maybe this will help me with the water consumption!  (Plus it had the ounce marks and I loved that on one of my old water bottles!)

Maybe this water bottle will do the trick!

I keep wondering if weight watchers



Running....uhhhhhh I'm paying the price for not running consistently after I ran the 10k back in October. Yeah, I was so sore after my previous runs. And it's SOOOO freakin' cold to be out there running my sluggish and oh so gorgeous training runs where I can barely make it two miles!

Why yes, I actually ran  in 17 degree weather (it was actually colder, I was done running by that time!  I was actually not freezing cold until the last 1/4 mile and then my stomach felt like it was a block of ice that if I got an ice pick I could chip off.  It was tempting but I was pretty sure that was not the best way to lose weight!

Meanwhile, I'm playing the piano and  lovin' on my kitties.  Trying to keep the errant and crazy emotions at bay.  (don't think that's working too well!)

And we are off!!!

I'm not going to say it.  I refuse to say it!  Seriously!   If I say that life seems to be settling down, something will happen.  A cat, a dad, another cat, a marriage, a job.  SOMETHING.   So I'm just not going to say it.  Infer away....I'm just not going to say it.

I actually had a somewhat active weekend.  Lots of walking.  Lots of activity.  Lots of movement.  I didn't eat 'too' horribly, but I knew that I needed to buckle down.  So as of this morning, I am back to tracking. I've got three hundred calories for dinner...so  bit slim pickings for dinner. (however, I haven't eaten my apple and I am stuffed so I may be able to add 65 calories back into my food.  That said, I ran this morning. (more on that later) and I plan on doing zumba tonight.  So just my morning run netted me some calories that I can consume and not kill my 'budget'.   SO I'm back.  Working it.....or rather going to try. 

The cakes, pies, pastries, oreos, chocolate icing and just BAD (but oh so yummy) foods that are plentiful at my parents house are a thing of the past.  I can resist.  I WILL resist.   I've got this!

Running.  I ran the 10k back in October and I was proud of myself for completing it.  I vowed to work on speed....and then promptly fell apart (coincidentally right in step with when my marriage fell apart.....ironic isn't it?).   Earlier last year I had agreed to run a 10k with a friend.   In late November she texted me to let me know that the price was going up on Dec. 15th and that if I wanted to do it to jump on it.  I got the particulars that I needed to register and I was ready.  I made plans to start running....at least 3-4 miles each week so that when it was time to really dive into training that I would be ready.   Oh yes, I made that plan.     The last time I ran?   January 1, 2015.    Why yes, I seem to have skipped a full month.  And lets be honest, December was spotty at best.  November was non-existent as I moved and the latter part of October was shot as I struggled with my decisions.  So here I am....beginning of February and I haven't run.  Not to worry, not to worry.  Plenty of time before my 10k!    On Friday it hit me.  This 10k is CLOSE  as in about 8 weeks.   Or so I thought.  In reality, 7 weeks.  Uhhhhhh  yeah, this is NOT going to be pretty.   I did a fair amount of walking on Saturday and I planned to be out on the canal a bit in the morning on Sunday.  Perfect!   Walking to limber me up and then while I was out on the canal I could just swap out shoes, throw on the headphones and take a wee little jog. This would be perfect as I usually do a ''benchmark" weekly jog on the canal to assess my progress....flat, no traffic, no stops and in the summer mostly shaded.   PERFECT!  I would get my first jog in and give myself a starting point....a benchmark so to speak.

I had no grand illusions.  I knew that it was not going to be a brutal run. Oh yeah, I knew it.  My goal was 2 miles.  I HOPED to make it two miles.  I was going to be happy with whatever.  We have to start somewhere.   I am proud to say I made it the two miles that I set out to do.  It actually wasn't that bad.  I'm not going to say it was easy.  I"m not going to say it was fast.   But I did it and it didn't kill me.  Slow....but I completed it.

Riding high on my success, and with this end of march 10k looming, I made plans to run this morning.  2 miles.  that's all I wanted to complete. I laid out my workout clothes last night!!!   Running clothes and warm stuff for my jog and exercise clothes for Zumba.  Notice I didn't lay out clothes for work...did I just let everyone see what's important to me???

  My friend Paula joined me.  It was a bit cool......

Ok, it was cold.   And it was a bit rainy.   And oh my word, my body is SORE.  I walked a fair amount of my run today.  It just wasn't happening.  But I was out there and I was moving and I'm on my way!

So here we go again!

Wow....what a week

I made my last post.  I was on top of it.  I was changing my habits little by little and things were looking up.  And then.  Seriously, isn't there always a 'but then.."

I knew that my father had been having headaches and that his condition was worsening.  I knew that on Thursday (the day of my post) that he had a doctors appointment.   I figured that he was having migraines again (he had them when I was younger) or that it was something else (he had shingles once and had horrible headaches from that).  So I wasn't concerned.  My worry ratcheted up a notch when my mom let me know that they were taking him for an immediate Cat scan.   My worry exploded into absolute fear when my mom called shortly after the Cat scan to tell me that the doctor had sent the immediately to the ER.  Dad had a subdural hematoma....most likely resulting from a fall on some ice back in November (yes, November....my dad is a very lucky blessed man) The pressure of the accumulated blood was causing the headaches and creating the disorientation and other symptoms.   We all met at the hospital and waited.  Surgery can correct the problem (remove/drain the excess blood thereby relieving the pressure) .  There was a glitch...dad has been on blood thinners ever since he had a stent put in for his heart issues.  BIG issue.    To do surgery while someone is on blood thinners is inviting more bleeding...the very thing we were trying to correct.  Decisions decisions (for the doctors...we were at their mercy).  Dad was admitted to the hospital where they watched him closely and gave him meds to help with the swelling and the pain and meds to avoid badness from happening (anti seizure meds).   It was a waiting game.  It was riskier to do the surgery versus wait under the blood thinners had worked out of his system.  Dad was a bit disoriented and loopy at times (pressure on the brain does that) ..and while it was HORRIBLE to see, it was funny.  We passed the week mark and the doctors decided the risks had been significantly lowered and decided to operate.    The surgery went well and we all breathed a sigh of relief.  He is now home and while he looks like he was in a horrible fight (and lost) because of his swollen head and the black and blue eyes and cheek, he is on the mend.   We are continuing to pray as there is a chance of further bleeding and that could necessitate another surgery (without the long wait this time as he is off his blood thinners....minimally they like to wait a week....optimally two weeks).

Sooooooo  lets just say that MaryFran's eating was....well.......off the hook!   Fast food, donuts, late night eating, coming home exhausted late at night and having a dinner of oreos!   Why yes, I did say oreos.  (my mom's wonderful chocolate icing was a really good dinner and snack also!)   Today was the first day that I drank water. The rest of the time it was pepsi, or dr. pepper.   Hey, at least it was Diet drinks!

I'm reigning it back in. I didn't go to zumba tonight.  I ended up falling ill on Sunday. Ok, not really falling ill that was so melodramatic and I couldn't resist.  The exhaustion from the week and a half in the hospital was not the cause of my headaches and eventual sore throat.  My sinus' were draining and really did a number on my head and I just kinda crashed.  I was still sluggish this morning and decided to not go.....figuring that not over extending myself was a wise choice for today.

Soooooo, my world has YET to settle down.   My life has YET to be calm.   My life is still falling apart....and I'm starting to wonder if I should put a sign around my neck that says "come near me at your own risk!"

Meanwhile, the cats are doing ok.    Holding their own.  :-)

One foot in front of the other

Why is this so difficult?  I kept vowing to try and start and work on this weight I'm all over this I kept telling myself.  And every day I would eat candy or french fries or something that would throw me for a loop and make me say "tomorrow" is the day.   Starting was proving to be the killer.

Toward the end of last week I made a vow to myself.  I was going to track my food....no matter what. I didn't matter what I chose to eat, all that matter was that I tracked EACH AND EVERY BITE!   Who cares if I was eating 40000 calories, my only responsibility was to track.  Now before you gasp and think, "what in the world, she just gave herself permission to eat anything".....I know that when I see the calories being consumed that I will freak and it will automatically pull me into control.

It worked....until yesterday.

Yesterday morning was bad.  I felt like one hot emotional wreck.  Just full of tears over everything.  I pulled myself together to go make breakfast and pack my lunch and proceeded to slice my hand open pretty badly (bad enough that half of my hand aches today....and it hurts to type!).  By the time I got that to stop bleeding and get myself ready for work it was time to go and I hadn't eaten breakfast yet.  So I did what anyone would do.  I stopped on the way.

I told myself just a breakfast sandwich and a small drink.  But you know what happened.  "Would you like to make that a meal"    And of course I answered yes and with no hesitation when she asked "super sized" I said yes also.   And that just set me up for a day of food debauchery.   (bad start to eating and roaring emotions...yup, failure)

All was not lost.....I still had zumba to help me burn off some calories.   But the snow.....

Emotions?  Why you ask.  Well of course I still have 'Cancer Kitty"  Who I watch (with a nervous twitch) every day...wondering if today is the day that she will no longer be able to eat or swallow past the growth on her neck.

Now I also have "Parapalegic Kitty"   Yes, another cat has joined the hospice care for cats center that I am apparently running.  Ethel on Saturday began to have horrible difficulties walking. I rushed her to the vet and he was skeptical but gave her some shots and pills (potions and lotions....literally) and sent her home.  She has recovered enough to get herself to he liter and the food....but it's rough.   Worse, she now just lays and most of the time she has a vacant stare in her eyes that just breaks my heart.  I can no longer get her to purr and she used to 'talk to me' all the time.....she doesn't do that any more.  My cat is not well and I know it.

Mertz, thankfully right now is doing well......so I will add a picture of Mertz.

Meanwhile....I'm just trying to smile.......

Progress

Water water water.   I am doing much better with the water consumption.  The morning water is fabulous and so fresh tasting.....once the 'city water' ice cubes start to melt into my water it becomes less appetizing to me as I can taste the chlorine.  Seriously, whoever thought that drinking water could be this complicated?    But it's working.....or rather starting to work.  I made it until Tuesday night before the caffeine headache invaded my life.  I caved.  I admit it, I totally caved and got a diet soda to guzzle down.  Hey, those headaches are the pits!   I also did order and drink diet soda with my dinner last night (girls night out)....hey, it's better than drinking alcohol right????      And it's SOOO much better than drinking ONLY diet pepsi each and every day.  Progress.

Food.   Well, it's not totally under control.  However, the good news is that it's not out of control either!   That's a good thing.  Even better?   I have dropped about 2 pounds (ha ha ha, lets be fair....it's probably water retention coming and going due to the natural fluctuations in my monthly cycle, but I'm taking it as a loss and that's that!)  Either way, not being spiraling out of control is a REALLY good step.  Progress.

Exercise......what is that?   I'm looking forward to zumba restarting for the year.  December 17th was the last class and it has seemed like a long stretch of no classes.  Classes are resuming January 12th.   I'm SOOO happy. I miss the camaraderie and yes, the exercise.  I feel sluggish without it. I did run some of the no zumba days. However, rain most of last weekend followed by snow on Tuesday which is now ice in spots makes me hesitant to go out running. That's the last thing I want to do is slip on ice and break my noggin.  (course I'm rather hard headed so my head would probably just bounce). 

So I'm just trying to tighten up the reins and loosen the pants (ha ha ha).   One step at a time.

 

Issues with my new life

Eating is killing me.  Drinking my water is killing me.   I'm struggling with finding a routine and a plan that works for me.

Lets start with water.  I'm not drinking.  I fill up my water jug everyday.  I swear I do it.  But then on the way to work with only one or two sips out of my water jug I decide that I need to get a diet soda and I stop and pick up a large drink.  I have pondered this.  Why is this so difficult?   What is wrong with me?  I like water!  I really do!   I finally figured it out the other day when I filled up a glass of water to drink at dinner.  I took a big gulp of water and it was just NASTY!   I have been drinking sweet well water for so many years and to switch to highly chlorinated city water was a shock that was throwing me for a loop.  I had been putting real lemon juice into my water, but that flavors my water and I just don't like flavored water.  So all of a sudden the light bulb went off in my head.  I"m struggling to drink my water because it doesn't taste right!   So how to fix...........

My solution....I just went out and picked up a bunch of gallons of spring water.  I will be starting this plan tomorrow!

Eating.  My parents eat 'weird' and not healthy at all.  The other night we sat down to dinner I looked at the table and said to myself, "wow, I can eat some corn"   I found myself eating corn, crackers, cheese and rounding it out with a few spoonfuls of cake icing from the fridge.  Yup.  Not exactly healthy!   This is happening to me more times than I can count.  I'm not eating healthy.  I don't have foods for me to eat when the options are not there.

I have a few solutions.  The first thing I'm doing.  I stocked up on fruits and veggies and I plan on eating healthy for my lunches this upcoming week.  Focus on that this week.  To make sure I have food, I picked up some boxes of mac-n-cheese and some frozen pizzas.  Not exactly healthy, but healthier than crackers and cake icing.


I am going to do this!   I have to!  I want to be thin!!!!!  I want to be healthy!

Wash, Rinse, DO NOT REPEAT!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

There have been a few times in the last few days that I've told myself that I need to sit down and think about 2014 and 2015 and create goals and a plan.

However, I've just struggled with the concept.  Lets just say I don't want to think about 2014.  I didn't lose the weight I had planned on losing.  It was a bummer of a year emotionally.   Yeah, lets not repeat this one anytime soon (EVER).   

So what are my goals for 2015.  Well.....It's pretty easy to write....my goal is just to have a better year than 2014.  That simple.  I want happiness and weight loss. (yes, I  would very much like to be at my goal weight by the end of the year)  That is not too much to ask right?

So how will I be doing it?

1. I will be tracking my food again on myfitnesspal.  Religiously!  I know that if I'm tracking that I will be eating correctly. That's the way it usually works for me.  :)

2.  Running   I will be running. I'm scheduled to run that 10k at the end of March.  But I will be looking at my schedule once the changes go into affect at work (and thus I know what weekend I will be working.)   Consistency is the key for my running this year.

3.  Water Water Water  I need to be drinking it!   :-)

4.  As for happiness...let time heal....let it happen...and for goodness sake....just stay busy!

Pretty simple.  I'm not making any elaborate equations, (two pounds a week times 52 weeks divided by 3 weeks of vacation and multipled by 7 holidays and then subtracting my age and taking it to the fourth power for the four sick days i'm allotting myself).  I'm just going to commit myself to doing what is RIGHT and healthy!

Donut Miles

Christmas has come and gone. It's over.  Part of me is relieved.  Emotionally it was an interesting holiday as everything in my life is upside down and different.  However, other than some tears here and there it was a good one.  I know my trigger points that set me to crying and while I can't avoid them, I at least know it's gonna happen.  ha ha ha

On the evening of the 23rd, I ended up having dinner with my friend Paula and then she and I headed to Krumpe's Donuts to pick up a sweet treat.  I bought donuts for my family and also for my coworkers.  You see, we had to work on Christmas Eve and I thought donuts would be a nice treat.  So I picked up some yummy Krumpe's Donuts. (If your ever in Hagerstown, MD I would highly recommend getting some!!!)  

As Paula and I talked about our weight, dieting woes we somehow came up with a wild hair brained idea.  For every donut that each of us ate, we would run a mile as 'punishment' (ok or as just a challenge).   It sounded like a great plan that night while we were waiting in the line in the back alley donut shop!   It was brilliant plan!  Awesome in fact.  Until I got a text at about 40 minutes after Paula and I bade each other good night.  I was a picture text and it showed my co-conspirator eating a donut.  Where was her self control????? Mile one!   I laughed and went to bed.  Don't be thinking I was all that  noble.  The only reason I didn't eat a donut that night (hot and fresh from the donut shop...yum) was that I had been eating so badly that my stomach was hurting from being stuffed!!!    I woke up early to get ready to go to work.  I opened up the home box and pulled out a red velvet donut.  A picture was sent to Paula to commemorate mile two!  

And boy was that donut worth every step of a mile! Red Velvet cake donut.  Delish!    I got dressed and headed to work.  I had a momentary thought of actually not eating any more donuts.  Yes, I was going to cut myself off after one mile donut.  And then I remembered that my manager and I were in this donut thing together and that she was arriving with chocolate milk.  Of course I had to have a donut with my chocolate milk!!!   I chose a peanut butter donut.  Once again....sooo worth it.   Add another mile to the tally.  We are now up to 3 miles.    I got a text from Paula telling me that donut 4 was planned to serve as her lunch.   

I sooooo wanted to eat another donut.  There was another red velvet donut (which was the flavor of the month of December so it's not like I can go back and get another one in a month or two) that was calling my name.  I pondered.  Really?  I didn't want to be the one that pushed us over 4 miles.  If I knew that Paula was having a third donut, I would be more than happy to eat a third...but there was no way that I was going to push us into that realm.  I held firm and didn't have the donut!  

We sat at 4 donuts miles the rest of the day. I sent the leftover work donuts home with my manager for her daughters and went home.   It was difficult because there was still a red velvet donut in the box at home.  I have to admit, I opened that box more than once.  I plotted in my head over and over how I could eat that donut and NOT have to run the extra mile.  No solution came to mind so I didn't eat it.   Late that night, I received another picture via text.   Oh yes, she ate her third donut which was our donut mile number 5!   I was ready to cave.  On Christmas day I was ready to eat that last red velvet donut and whaddya know?   It was thrown away!  ha ha ha    

Paula and I went out yesterday to attend to our miles. The plan was to run the miles.  (or run/walk the miles. However, as sometimes happens, the running didn't happen.  It was one of those days where we needed the talk time and we kept saying we would run at the next 1/2 mile interval but when that came we would be in the middle of a deep conversation and we would push it off until the following 12 mile interval.  Over and over this happened.   I'm sad to say that we didn't RUN our donut miles...but we did however walk them.  (ok, we walked 4 of them......we ran out of time so we still owe that last mile!) 

I'm not exactly 100% on track with my eating.  But in the last two days I've been SOOOOO much better!  I'm not sick to my stomach and I am eating more fruits and veggies.  So progress!

I will leave you with my nephew and Mertz.  Not a bad picture for a cat that has for most of her life lived in seclusion,  Not by my choice...but by her choice.  She just preferred her own company!

The struggles are real

Wow  I've been telling myself to write a post.  But just never got around to it. So much to say.  I have to talk about eating, running, my emotions, my cats,a scheduled race and lets not forget the rogue squirrel!!! Where to begin. I guess I will break it down into sections for ease.

Weight:

I think that this picture sums it all up. 

Sadly, everyday is a constant battle trying to convince myself that I don't like cookies, cakes and donuts.   Sadly, everyday I am losing the battle.  Control over my eating is non existent.  I've eaten to the point of being sick.  Yeah, really.  It's not a good thing.  I hate myself for it...but regardless, I struggle and fail.  I keep telling myself 'no more'  but words and actions are NOT meeting to make any sense in my life.   

I am struggling with weighing myself.  I'm not able to find a constant place to put my scales.  So I have them sitting against the wall where I can move them to weigh myself when needed.  However, every time I sit them down they weigh me differently....2 seconds apart.  So I haven't even weighed myself.  I'm kinda leaning toward figuring out the weighing issue by the beginning of the new year and take a first weight of the year  and just go from there.

I haven't contemplated giving up again.  That was a short lived thought, thankfully.  I want this....badly.  I just have to figure out the link between want and do!

Moving on:

Exercise:

I have religiously attended zumba.  It has been my salvation as it's filled up three nights of my week.  More on why that is a salvation later.  It's also been probably the only thing that has kept me from gaining a TON of weight (although my clothes feel tight and I feel icky)

Running:

What's that?  Ok, so I was on top of it and actually ran whilst I was in Florida.  I got some pretty nasty blisters, but I still managed to put the miles on while on vacation.  That was dedication!   I got home, immediately replaced my running shoes (even though the blister inducing shoes were not that old) and promptly ran one more time.  (Let me remind you, I was in Florida in mid October.  Yes, two months ago)   This week I decided to break out those brand spankin' new running shoes (ok, almost new).  I went out on Thursday.  Oh. My. Word.   Was it brutal.   I kept it short at just about a mile and a half.  This morning I went out again and made it 3 miles....and it wasn't pretty.  Not. At. All  I'd like to say it was easier, but no, it was just as brutal as the first run.   Better luck tomorrow.   Why yes, I do mean tomorrow as it's another day and I won't improve without running consistently.  I have to get myself back into some kinda of halfway ok running shape.  I'm living in Hagerstown now.   I'm right across the street from my sister in law who runs.  I am right next to my aunt, who has run.  I'm a mile or two from Paula my running bud.  (Sneaky girl that Paula is, she ran down the street the other day and didn't stop.  She said she had to see my brothers scrapwood tree in person!)   So I have easy access to running partners.  But well, my flailing around that I'm calling running at this point is NOT something I need to share with them. (Although they may need a laugh!)  So I have to get into running shape.

Scrapwood Christmas Tree?    

It actually looks cool here but is just absolutely wicked neat at night all light up!  He has pics of it lit up on his facebook page  and possibly on his website. (seriously, it's Sunday morning do you really expect me to go look?

Cooper River Bridge Run:

A few months back, my friend Sue put a post up on facebook.  It said something like this.  "I want to run the Cooper River Bridge Run  who wants to do it with me."   I immediately responded and said "I'm in."    A few minutes later I followed it up with a second comment saying "Where, when and by the way, how long of a run did I just commit myself to"   Yes, she got a laugh because only I would commit to a run without knowing how long I was going to be running.  ha ha ha  Typical, I guess.   So the nitty gritty, now that I have actually registered for it.  It's the last weekend of March.  Apparently it's a rather large run, capped at 40,000 participants.  It's in Charleston, SC.   It's a 10k.  Piece of cake (well, wait, I haven't been running and I'm struggling with just a few short miles!), I've done that distance before.  I've got this (as long as I run in the next few months).  So I am registered for this run.  I'm planning on driving down on Thursday (at least part of the way...it's about 9-10  hours).  Enjoying the area and the race expo on Friday.  The run is on Saturday.  We are planning to do the taste of the run after the race and more of the city.  Sunday I will spend the morning there and then drive home.  Back to work on Monday.  Flying trip, but sounds fun.  (I have to make sure Sue found the hotel rooms).    So running is IMPORTANT in the next few months!  (Especially since I do expect to lose some training days due to inclement weather!)

The Rogue Squirrel: 

I was out running this morning and happened to see a black squirrel.  Now they are not all that common around here (I think..I"m not up on my squirrel-ology so I can't be too positive).  I watched the squirrel and that squirrel watched me and then ran up a tree that overhung the sidewalk upon which I was running.  It stopped about eye level and sat there as I approached.  And I knew that this squirrel was an angry squirrel (probably from being a minority squirrel) and that it had reached it's limit and it was going to go crazy on me.   It would probably leap from that tree and land on my head.  Don't laugh.  It could happen!  I sped up as I approached, maybe if I was really fast and did a little bob and weave the squirrel would miss me when he came flying through the air toward my face!   Ok honestly, I was telling myself to calm down that squirrel attacks are NOT on the rise and that this fear was all in my head.   I faced my fears and ran right under that little black demon!   I could hear him scratching and scampering around above my head (even through the music pumping through my headphones).  I jumped a mile and picked up the pace and swore that I would never trust a black squirrel again!    

There may or may not have been some birds that freaked me out on my run too!   I'm not admitting anything, but it was a scary run!

Settling in:

The cats are doing good in our new digs (the basement of my parents home).  They love to go up and explore the main house (if only my parents cat wasn't so freaked out by my little angels!).   

Mertz has gone from a bit of a loner cat to a cat that while maybe not a total lap cat, but at least a more sociable cat.  She however is a traitor.  Many times she won't come out when I get home.  However, as soon as my niece and nephews arrive that cat is out!   Traitor!!!   OK, I'm actually happy to see her love them!    And they do come visit the cats while I'm at work and for that I'm utterly grateful!                 Here is Mertz laying beside the scratching post, so proud of herself because the scratching post was only a few hours old and she had already ripped the red ball from the post.  And we won't even talk about the RED drink that Mertz just knocked over onto her grandma's cream colored carpet.  Oops (I think I got it squared way)

Ethel is being Ethel.  She plays and is extremely talkative, but still sleeps a lot. (she is 14 afterall) 

 Lucy is my worry.   Just a few days after moving I noticed a large lump on the side of her face.  I took her to the vet and we did a biopsy.  The results came back with more cancer.   They also said that the cancer that was removed last year has a very low prognosis (as in she is lucky that she made it more than a year).  Because of her history and her age, surgery to remove the cancer is not really an option.  I am giving her a steroid to try to slow down the speed at which this tumor is growing.  Where it is at, it will probably at some point begin to affect her ability to eat and drink.  So I know that I am nearing the end of my time with my baby girl.  She is deaf now and 17 years old and lived a good life, so I feel selfish for crying over her (and yes, she has been my baby since she was a wee little kitten).   But she is my baby.   I've already given up so much in the last few months that I don't want to lose my eldest cat too and it breaks my heart.

Lucy is the calico on the left and Ethel is the cat on the right.  They love each other and I worry about Ethel when she loses her big sister and closest companion.    Meanwhile, they rule they roost (Lucy especially) and even when I want to wrap up in my soft red blanket, if the cats are using it I find something else or shiver  The same goes for the chair.  The other night when my niece and nephews were here I sat on the floor rather that interrupt their sleep (healing sleep maybe???  ok, that's wishful thinking) 

Emotions and the divorce thing: 

This is hard.  So very hard.  I have not once questioned or second guessed my decision.  I know that I made the right decision.  My soon to be ex's actions and apparent lack of emotions about it all reinforce it.  Maybe I should be happy that he has painted the house since I left, and cleaned the siding, and added carpet over/replacing the carpet that his old cat ruined years ago before she died. And who knows what else.  I want him to move on, but he seems to be doing it without a backward glance and that hurts a bit.  So it's a half glad half upset thing)

So why is it hard?  

I'm changing everything about my life.  My life has changed almost totally and it's left me sitting in a weird position of being a bit lost.

 It's a LOT of alone time. The loneliness is KILLING ME!!!  At least when I was with him, I had hope of having some conversation.  I had hope of some companionship whenever he decided to engage in the relationship.  We actually did have fun at times......even up to the end.  Now I'm just looking at a blank horizon.  My family has been wonderful as have some local friends.  Zumba filled up three nights each week.  We are in a hiatus now and Zumba won't restart until January 12th.....gotta figure out how to fill those evenings!

I've thought some about the dating websites.  I have a handful of friends and acquaintances  that have been through this and overwhelmingly they have all told me to get back out there and date.  I've heard reasons that vary but they all do make sense.  They say do it to reaffirm that my husband was wrong and that I'm worth a guy being interested.  They also say if nothing else it's good for a laugh if you just get duds.  But the main thing, it will help fill the time and ease the utter loneliness  

I think that about sums it up. 

,.l;/

And then.....

Lets get the divorce/separation stuff over first since it really does affect my quest for health.   I'm settling in and getting used to living with my parents.  It's going to be an adjustment for everyone.  I am plagued by tears.  I am utterly thankful and grateful for parents that have opened their house to me (and my brother and his wife that also have told me many times that I'm welcome there).   However, part of me misses my husband and the life we did have together.  Yes, it may have been crappy, but we did have good times.  It is also what I've known for the last so many years.  I also still feel like an utter failure. Nothing I've done in life has turned out decently it feels.  And here I am 41 years old and I'm living with my parents again.  (We won't even talk about the fact that I will have to up that to 42 very soon.)  I just feel like a big fat failure.  

Fat....oh yes, now we get to the weight loss stuff.    Why am I even trying to lose weight?   I admittedly lost weight the first time in an effort to make my husband desire/want/love me in the way that I need to be loved.  Yeah yeah yeah, don't be a hater.  I know that was a totally stupid reason.....and that the weight wasn't the issue between us.   But our minds play stupid tricks on us and make us believe all sorts of things.  And just for the record, I may or may not have grasped at other crazy ideas to try to save the relationship.  I will neither confirm nor deny!!!! (ha)   So today I was sitting at work and thinking about this weight loss thing.  I was thinking about the weight and I decided that I could totally accept myself as a fat woman.  What would I do different?  I would start buying clothes in my size versus trying to make do with what I have because I don't want to waste my money on this size.  Basically I would accept myself as exactly what I am....an overweight woman.  No more stressing about eating a piece of cake.  No more thinking about how that straight up butter (my  mother wouldn't be caught dead with anything other than full fledged butter in this house) is so choke full of calories and fat.   No more obsessing and thinking about what I'm eating versus the calories I'm expending.  Just accept it as the way I am, pleasingly plump.

I literally nodded my head when I reached that decision.  I was ok with it.  I'm me no matter what size I am. (Well, I guess I'm me....I don't really know who I am anymore....but maybe I can figure that out sooner or later.)

And then......

Thoughts started floating through my head at warp speed.

Wow, my knees have been hurting a lot lately.  They didn't hurt when I had lost the weight.  If I don't try to lose weight I'm consigning myself to knee pain for evermore.

Its a heck of a lot more fun shopping for clothes. The buyers for fat women's stores and departments are obviously retarded (so sorry that is not politically correct but heck this is MY blog so if I say they are retarded, they are!) and can't buy anything that is even somewhat trendy and fashionable...and seriously, lay off the polyester!  So shopping ... yeah, I'd have to give that up....

Running.  Zumba.  I kinda like these things.  Hmmm.  I guess I could just be a fat girl running and zumba'ing.    I do those things better when I'm at a lower weight though.

Oh heck, I just had more energy when I was thin.

So guess what, I guess I'm not quitting.  I guess I will continue.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get back into the habit of tracking.  It's difficult.....but I need to do it.  I've been off he rails lately.   I'm having some difficulty reigning it in.  It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.

I have gone to zumba three nights this week.  (ok, two nights but I'm heading to night three in just a few hours).  I hope to recommence with running here soon (dang knees) and well....I'm just going to have to focus.....somehow.  (and then I went and ate two oreos.....really???)

The next stage has begun

Well, I am officially moved.  The next step in my personal journey has begun.  I'm honestly scared senseless.  I'm uprooting my life and changing so much.  My plan is to start focusing on my weight again now that life should be settling into a more 'normal'.    It will be a rough transition as my parents don't eat exactly healthy and on top of that my mother bakes.....a LOT.  (Ok so she sells a lot of what she makes, but it is still in the house for me to have to resist).   In essence, I am starting a new life and I want to make it a life of health.

Running.   On Thanksgiving I was registered to run the local Turkey Trot.  I passed on it.  My heart said to save my energy for my move.  Yes, I completed my move on Thanksgiving day. (I still have some stuff to grab to go into storage....and my piano, but for the most part I am moved.)   I do not regret my decision at all.  However, I do feel bad that I missed my running buddy, Paula's wonderful run, where she set a personal record!!!  Go Paula!  

I had grand plans to start running this weekend.  I am delaying that a bit though.  You see, the move has been rough on my body.  My back is so tender and 'sore' from moving (I guess).  My right knee, the most arthritic ridden knee is really giving me some grief.  (Steps are rough on bad knees and all of my storage stuff went into a second story storage place and I moved into a basement....so steps all around!)    Maybe tomorrow I will run!  I at least know with the knee that I'm not doing any more damage to it...  :-)

So I'm still here.  I'm still emotional.  I have not wavered on my feelings about what needs to be done in terms of my marriage, but it is so difficult to face the 'failure' of my marriage.  It is also incredibly difficult to stop 'worrying' about my husband.  I have spent the last 16 years since we have been together taking care of him...it's just part of who I've become and it's difficult to stop those tendencies.  So I found myself finding something online that he needed to see and I had to fight the urge to text him to take care of it for him.  He's a big boy and he needs to stand on his own two feet.

Meanwhile, my cats are doing very well.





Lucy, my old girl (she is my calico and is my 17 year old cancer survivor) immediately left her cage when I arrived, walked around and found a safe corner and she promptly fell asleep!   She is sleeping and has discovered that she loves sleeping on an afghan of my mothers (my mom was going to take it upstairs, but I think it's staying down here now) that is sitting on the ottoman.




Ethel spent some time sleeping the first day.  She is 14 years old and like Lucy has been through some moves before so she handled it with grace and style....ok she slept the first day away too.  But now she is up around and investigating everything and meowing at the door to get to the main part of the house (until my girls are acclimated with my parents cat, there will have to be a separation of cats).   She woke me up in the middle of the night a few times last night to meow and 'talk to me' loudly.  When I tried to go back to sleep she would paw my face to get my attention.  She had a lot to say!

Mertz is the amazing transformation.  The first day my skittish little girl (she's 5 years old) went off into the laundry room and hid.  I saw her once as she ventured out, covered with cobwebs.  I petted her and she ran back to her hidey hole.  That was ok .  That is what she needed to do for her personal adjustment, she was safe and that's all I cared about.  However, when she was ready to venture out, my lone ranger cat who is anything BUT a lap cat....a cat that prefers to be alone and not lay with you or be petted has been by my side constantly.  She has laid with me, slept with me and if I try to pet Lucy or Ethel she gallops over in order to get some of the attention.   Night and day different!!!!  It's the most amazing thing to see!  Luckily for me, (and my niece and nephews who want to see her play) she is still playing the piano!  She has serenaded my parents and myself many times!

So my small 'family' is adjusting.  Lets see where this new life takes us.  Thinner and healthier if I have anything to say about it!