Sunday, December 21, 2014

The struggles are real

Wow  I've been telling myself to write a post.  But just never got around to it. So much to say.  I have to talk about eating, running, my emotions, my cats,a scheduled race and lets not forget the rogue squirrel!!! Where to begin. I guess I will break it down into sections for ease.


I think that this picture sums it all up. 
Sadly, everyday is a constant battle trying to convince myself that I don't like cookies, cakes and donuts.   Sadly, everyday I am losing the battle.  Control over my eating is non existent.  I've eaten to the point of being sick.  Yeah, really.  It's not a good thing.  I hate myself for it...but regardless, I struggle and fail.  I keep telling myself 'no more'  but words and actions are NOT meeting to make any sense in my life.   

I am struggling with weighing myself.  I'm not able to find a constant place to put my scales.  So I have them sitting against the wall where I can move them to weigh myself when needed.  However, every time I sit them down they weigh me differently....2 seconds apart.  So I haven't even weighed myself.  I'm kinda leaning toward figuring out the weighing issue by the beginning of the new year and take a first weight of the year  and just go from there.

I haven't contemplated giving up again.  That was a short lived thought, thankfully.  I want this....badly.  I just have to figure out the link between want and do!

Moving on:


I have religiously attended zumba.  It has been my salvation as it's filled up three nights of my week.  More on why that is a salvation later.  It's also been probably the only thing that has kept me from gaining a TON of weight (although my clothes feel tight and I feel icky)


What's that?  Ok, so I was on top of it and actually ran whilst I was in Florida.  I got some pretty nasty blisters, but I still managed to put the miles on while on vacation.  That was dedication!   I got home, immediately replaced my running shoes (even though the blister inducing shoes were not that old) and promptly ran one more time.  (Let me remind you, I was in Florida in mid October.  Yes, two months ago)   This week I decided to break out those brand spankin' new running shoes (ok, almost new).  I went out on Thursday.  Oh. My. Word.   Was it brutal.   I kept it short at just about a mile and a half.  This morning I went out again and made it 3 miles....and it wasn't pretty.  Not. At. All  I'd like to say it was easier, but no, it was just as brutal as the first run.   Better luck tomorrow.   Why yes, I do mean tomorrow as it's another day and I won't improve without running consistently.  I have to get myself back into some kinda of halfway ok running shape.  I'm living in Hagerstown now.   I'm right across the street from my sister in law who runs.  I am right next to my aunt, who has run.  I'm a mile or two from Paula my running bud.  (Sneaky girl that Paula is, she ran down the street the other day and didn't stop.  She said she had to see my brothers scrapwood tree in person!)   So I have easy access to running partners.  But well, my flailing around that I'm calling running at this point is NOT something I need to share with them. (Although they may need a laugh!)  So I have to get into running shape.

Scrapwood Christmas Tree?    
It actually looks cool here but is just absolutely wicked neat at night all light up!  He has pics of it lit up on his facebook page  and possibly on his website. (seriously, it's Sunday morning do you really expect me to go look?

Cooper River Bridge Run:

A few months back, my friend Sue put a post up on facebook.  It said something like this.  "I want to run the Cooper River Bridge Run  who wants to do it with me."   I immediately responded and said "I'm in."    A few minutes later I followed it up with a second comment saying "Where, when and by the way, how long of a run did I just commit myself to"   Yes, she got a laugh because only I would commit to a run without knowing how long I was going to be running.  ha ha ha  Typical, I guess.   So the nitty gritty, now that I have actually registered for it.  It's the last weekend of March.  Apparently it's a rather large run, capped at 40,000 participants.  It's in Charleston, SC.   It's a 10k.  Piece of cake (well, wait, I haven't been running and I'm struggling with just a few short miles!), I've done that distance before.  I've got this (as long as I run in the next few months).  So I am registered for this run.  I'm planning on driving down on Thursday (at least part of the's about 9-10  hours).  Enjoying the area and the race expo on Friday.  The run is on Saturday.  We are planning to do the taste of the run after the race and more of the city.  Sunday I will spend the morning there and then drive home.  Back to work on Monday.  Flying trip, but sounds fun.  (I have to make sure Sue found the hotel rooms).    So running is IMPORTANT in the next few months!  (Especially since I do expect to lose some training days due to inclement weather!)

The Rogue Squirrel

I was out running this morning and happened to see a black squirrel.  Now they are not all that common around here (I think..I"m not up on my squirrel-ology so I can't be too positive).  I watched the squirrel and that squirrel watched me and then ran up a tree that overhung the sidewalk upon which I was running.  It stopped about eye level and sat there as I approached.  And I knew that this squirrel was an angry squirrel (probably from being a minority squirrel) and that it had reached it's limit and it was going to go crazy on me.   It would probably leap from that tree and land on my head.  Don't laugh.  It could happen!  I sped up as I approached, maybe if I was really fast and did a little bob and weave the squirrel would miss me when he came flying through the air toward my face!   Ok honestly, I was telling myself to calm down that squirrel attacks are NOT on the rise and that this fear was all in my head.   I faced my fears and ran right under that little black demon!   I could hear him scratching and scampering around above my head (even through the music pumping through my headphones).  I jumped a mile and picked up the pace and swore that I would never trust a black squirrel again!    

There may or may not have been some birds that freaked me out on my run too!   I'm not admitting anything, but it was a scary run!

Settling in:

The cats are doing good in our new digs (the basement of my parents home).  They love to go up and explore the main house (if only my parents cat wasn't so freaked out by my little angels!).   

Mertz has gone from a bit of a loner cat to a cat that while maybe not a total lap cat, but at least a more sociable cat.  She however is a traitor.  Many times she won't come out when I get home.  However, as soon as my niece and nephews arrive that cat is out!   Traitor!!!   OK, I'm actually happy to see her love them!    And they do come visit the cats while I'm at work and for that I'm utterly grateful!                 Here is Mertz laying beside the scratching post, so proud of herself because the scratching post was only a few hours old and she had already ripped the red ball from the post.  And we won't even talk about the RED drink that Mertz just knocked over onto her grandma's cream colored carpet.  Oops (I think I got it squared way)
Ethel is being Ethel.  She plays and is extremely talkative, but still sleeps a lot. (she is 14 afterall) 

 Lucy is my worry.   Just a few days after moving I noticed a large lump on the side of her face.  I took her to the vet and we did a biopsy.  The results came back with more cancer.   They also said that the cancer that was removed last year has a very low prognosis (as in she is lucky that she made it more than a year).  Because of her history and her age, surgery to remove the cancer is not really an option.  I am giving her a steroid to try to slow down the speed at which this tumor is growing.  Where it is at, it will probably at some point begin to affect her ability to eat and drink.  So I know that I am nearing the end of my time with my baby girl.  She is deaf now and 17 years old and lived a good life, so I feel selfish for crying over her (and yes, she has been my baby since she was a wee little kitten).   But she is my baby.   I've already given up so much in the last few months that I don't want to lose my eldest cat too and it breaks my heart.
Lucy is the calico on the left and Ethel is the cat on the right.  They love each other and I worry about Ethel when she loses her big sister and closest companion.    Meanwhile, they rule they roost (Lucy especially) and even when I want to wrap up in my soft red blanket, if the cats are using it I find something else or shiver  The same goes for the chair.  The other night when my niece and nephews were here I sat on the floor rather that interrupt their sleep (healing sleep maybe???  ok, that's wishful thinking) 

Emotions and the divorce thing

This is hard.  So very hard.  I have not once questioned or second guessed my decision.  I know that I made the right decision.  My soon to be ex's actions and apparent lack of emotions about it all reinforce it.  Maybe I should be happy that he has painted the house since I left, and cleaned the siding, and added carpet over/replacing the carpet that his old cat ruined years ago before she died. And who knows what else.  I want him to move on, but he seems to be doing it without a backward glance and that hurts a bit.  So it's a half glad half upset thing)

So why is it hard?  

I'm changing everything about my life.  My life has changed almost totally and it's left me sitting in a weird position of being a bit lost.

 It's a LOT of alone time. The loneliness is KILLING ME!!!  At least when I was with him, I had hope of having some conversation.  I had hope of some companionship whenever he decided to engage in the relationship.  We actually did have fun at times......even up to the end.  Now I'm just looking at a blank horizon.  My family has been wonderful as have some local friends.  Zumba filled up three nights each week.  We are in a hiatus now and Zumba won't restart until January 12th.....gotta figure out how to fill those evenings!

I've thought some about the dating websites.  I have a handful of friends and acquaintances  that have been through this and overwhelmingly they have all told me to get back out there and date.  I've heard reasons that vary but they all do make sense.  They say do it to reaffirm that my husband was wrong and that I'm worth a guy being interested.  They also say if nothing else it's good for a laugh if you just get duds.  But the main thing, it will help fill the time and ease the utter loneliness  

I think that about sums it up. 



Lori said...

Google "DivorceCare" and see if there is one in your area. It is a 13 week support group for individuals experiencing divorce. It is done from a christian perspective and helps a lot with the healing. Generally, they are low cost or free.

The holidays can be especially lonely. I'm glad you are looking for productive ways to fill your time. You'll make it. It may take longer than you want, but you'll make it!

The Kaizen Project said...

I'm right there with you when it comes to food and weight at the moment. Im just trying to enjoy my Christmas with my children and plan on getti back on track on the 27th. Dont give up!

Alati said...

So missed your posts! Glad thing are going, even if not exactly as you want at all times. I hope that time helps your heart heal! Stay strong!

Sonya @ Finding Drew said...

Glad you are back! It was great to read your update even if life is a bit of a struggle for you these days. It sounds like you are doing things to distract yourself and are moving forward, that's great! You got this. You'll get back into running shape in no time. On another note... So sorry to hear about your kitty. Sending light and love.

Fran said...

It takes time to grieve but reading your post I see a lot of positive things in it and I'm sure you will be okay one day.

So sorry to hear about Lucy.

Lee said...

I am sorry to hear about Lucy and your divorce but I know you will be fine if you continue to stay positive and keep God first. I go through struggles all the time but I keep my faith and take it one day at a time. Take care and God bless. Leeman

Anonymous said...

Change is traumatic...even good change can be traumatic! You must not be hard on yourself. This is not where you expected to be AT ALL just a few months ago. Were I in your shoes I wouldn't even be thinking of my health, which would just make things worse. The fact that you are shows you're level of commitment. And the fact that you signed up for a 10K shows your incredible bravery!

Hang in there...this storm will pass and things will get a bit easier. Hugs!

Tricia Coniglio said...

I have been thinking about you lately and came by to see how things are going. I am sorry to hear the divorce is moving forward but from the sound of things it probably will be a good new start for you. Even though it will be extremely difficult in the beginning it sounds like you have some good friends.

Maybe there is another place you can do Zumba or even try something new until your current group starts back again.

Congrats on the signing up for the 10k.

Kyra said...

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. Admittedly, I would expect them to be because this is a HUGE change for you, a whole new direction in your life. So, the only thing I can say is that I'm thinking about you, and wishing you well! *hugs*

john said...

Keep it up. Glad your back :)

Vickie said...

Support group sounds like smart idea. Other types of groups (book club, volunteer work, etc) also sound good.

The guideline for dating is actually to wait until one year after the divorce is final. This is to process all the inner/emotional work so you are ready for a new relationship.