What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me???  I literally can't seem to stop eating!  I tell myself that I'm going to get it under control.  No more.......Yet when it comes time to eat I just eat with abandon! There is a war waging in my head and the fat side is winning!

Yesterday I literally stood in the kitchen putting some chips in a bowl and I literally told myself "Maryfran, you shouldn't eat these...you want to be thin"   and I then immediately said "I don't care" and I ate the chips in the bowl. I sometimes say "tomorrow"  or "my next meal I'll be good".  But yesterday I just didn't care......but I cared about the numbers on the scale and how bloated I feel!

Hey, at least I am putting them in the bowl versus eating the straight out of the bag because we all know that if I did that....the bag would be gone in one sitting! 

I am miserable and feel bloated and icky.  I want to be thin and feel good about myself.  Yet I want to eat what I want and when I want.   I know I can't have it both ways!  Yet I sit on the fence and often fall onto the fat side of the fence!  

This is so difficult and I so wish there was an easy answer!!!!!

I seriously must be insane!

Tomorrow never Comes

Tomorrow….doesn’t that sound like a wonderful promise?  Tomorrow is the day!  Tomorrow is the time!  I will start it tomorrow!  Just a little bit right now…but tomorrow I’ll be good!    I can go on and on and on with how many ‘tomorrow promises’ I have vowed through the years on this quest to be healthy.   Over and over and over!   But tomorrow will NEVER come with that mentality.  I will never with the war against my weight and my flagging fitness levels if I always vow that ‘tomorrow’ is the time. 

I have been doing the ‘tomorrow’ thing an awful lot over the last few days.  I have been doing it WAY too much actually.  “I will just eat one strawberry Twinkie tonight because tomorrow there will be no strawberry Twinkie to pass my lips!” I said that on Sunday night and I really meant it!    I also said something very similar on Monday night!   I meant it on Monday night too!   Tuesday night?   I said it with a bit more confidence!  Oh don’t get too excited.  I only had more confidence because of the fact that the box of Twinkies was getting more and more empty!  I knew that there was a chance that there wouldn’t be any more the next night!   But even so…..On Tuesday night I vowed, “No splurges on Wednesday….or for the rest of the week!”

(As a side note...I have tracked every Twinkie though and with the exception of a splurge day here and there remain within my caloric goals!)

Tomorrow……I have been vowing to start my fitness regime…. I’ll just start it tomorrow!    I have made some efforts on the weekend….when it’s easy!   But the hard part of actually going out to do something after an 11 hour work day (when I add in the commute I am gone from my house almost exactly 11 hours).  I vow that tomorrow…or next week, things are going to change.  But tomorrow never comes.

This has to change.  Tomorrow has to arrive.  All of those promises that I make in earnest have to become reality.    If I want to change, I have to make the changes in my thinking…..I need to keep my promises that I make to myself.  I need to simply DO IT!

So ironically, I started to write this post and literally when I completed the first paragraph, I received the daily quote from my manager.   It couldn’t have come at a better time…because it talks about the yesterday’s and todays.   It is perfect for me…..I can’t worry about the false promises I have made in the past.  I can’t even dwell on the victories I had this weekend…or last week.  I have to focus on TODAY.  Not yesterday….not tomorrow!   So,  are you ready for the quote?