Being Honest With Myself

How honest are we with ourselves?  I like to think that I am an honest person.  In fact, I would say that I pride myself on my complete honesty.  Admittedly, I may word things in such a way that it is not a lie but rather emphasizes the truth while hiding the negative, but it is true. But with myself...and my weight loss journey I sometimes have not been completely honest with myself.  And yes, it hurts me to admit it!   And even worse, this is not the first such post!  You can read how I was dishonest with myself from way back in 2013 here.  Sadly, I am not alone.  I imagine that most everyone on a weight loss journey has lied to themselves.

 

We lie about what we are eating when we are gaining weight.  A closet eater is hiding how much they are eating...putting a false/lie front to the world saying 'I don’t know why I'm gaining , do you see me eating any cakes, candy or cookies?'  While on the journey have you ever fudged your tracking...skipped putting on those bites licks and tastes (the BLT's)?   what about that handful of potato chips that you nibbled on while making dinner....the sliver of butter you added to your toast...I mean, it’s only 32 calories, does it really matter?

 

I need to admit that I have done it! sometimes it’s been an oversight that causes me to 'lie' to myself.  Sometimes it is a plain 'if I don’t write it then I must not have eaten it mentality. But that’s a lie!  (That particular lie usually proceeds a cease and desist from tracking all my food.) 

 

Lies can be about the exercise we are doing.  The intensity or the time spend exercising.  Lies can be about water consumption.  'Why yes I drank 64 ounces yesterday!'  But what about the half cup of ice that remained.  (True story...my Yeti tumblers always have ice in them at the end of the day....which means that I didn’t drink the FULL amount that they hold.  (Love love love mine...I actually have a few of these and have my eye one a new one/different color.)

 

So let’s face it.  we lie in weight loss journeys.  Lies and mistruths are what got us to obesity. Lies are what keep us in the obese category.  But who is that lie hurting?  Myself!  Furthermore, does the world really believe the lie that someone is eating perfectly when they are 100 pounds overweight?  (Or even 50 pounds...or 20!) Weight related lies only hurt the liar…and are visible for the world .  There is no poker face for this lie...our bodies reveal the truth.

 

where did this come from?  Yesterday morning I entered my food for the day into myfitnesspal.  I was happy with the calorie count for the day.  i headed to work and I had my planned lunch.   i even looked at the candy jar that my coworkers were digging through and walked on by.  no candy for me!  (true story)  But around midafternoon I noticed a flurry of activity out on the teller line and one gal hurried out the door.  I ambled out of my office to see what was happening. The financial advisor that services our branch was at our location and they had just discovered it was his birthday.  Luckily grocery stores carry readymade birthday cakes!   Yes, I had a cupcake.  Last night i had a moment where I seriously thought about not entering it into my tracker.   And I didn’t do it...if it’s not tracked then i must not have happened right??? So, I didn’t track it...until this morning!  This morning as i was getting ready to enter today’s food I realized my omission for what it was.... a straight up lie to myself. I backtracked and added that cupcake!   I also added a pile of cough drops.... because cough drops are my savior right now!!!  (I think it’s just sinus drainage causing the tickle that causes my dry hacking cough.... who knows.... but cough drops are my best friend).  Am I being silly about adding my cough drops....one is only 10 calories...but what about the fact that i had 10....or 20!  10 cough drops is 100 calories...20 is 200!!!  I think it was closer to 10...so that is what i went with!

 

It is time to be honest with myself. It is time to hold myself to the same standards about lies that i hold for all other aspects of my life.  It is time to be honest!

Being honest about my weight loss efforts

It is no secret that I have been struggling for a few months.   I have been pretty open about my ‘lose one week and gain the next weeks struggle.  It had been a tough journey.  I was floundering...but was I really being honest with myself?  Upon some reflection, I found that I was not being honest with myself in terms of this weight loss journey and it was holding me back!

Tracking food honestly

I was tracking, for the most part.  Admittedly, I had days and even weeks when I failed at tracking, but i was open and transparent about that!   I am talking about honesty in what I was tracking.  And when I think about it, I honestly think I was being pretty honest.  I think my issue would be with the fact that when I would look for something on myfitnesspal I would play and find the ‘best possible option’ for me.   There is a huge database on my fitness pal (which is one of the reasons that I have stuck with that app versus switching to something else).  With that huge database comes multiple options for your searches!   I can look up something like mashed potatoes and find hundreds of options!   Where I went wrong is that I found the lowest mashed potato option and used that!  I have changed and gotten honest with myself.  If the item in question is more subjective, I am finding the middle of the road option.  For example, if I found mashed potatoes with calories ranging from 200 calories to 600 calories, I am not estimating the 200 calories in my count but rather the 400 average!  I am also taking the time to once again enter my recipes to get an exact calorie count.  Thus, I am being much more honest with my tracking!

Acceptance of my body and my limitations

Another big change is that I have finally not just admitted but more importantly accepted that my body does not lose weight at anything over 1400 calories.  I’ve accepted the fact that for me to lose weight I can’t eat my earned exercise calories.  I’ve been admitting this for a while  but I didn’t want to accept it!!!   I didn’t want to restrict myself down to 1200-1300 calories!  So I resisted.  There were some weeks that I did great with that and kept my calories low.  (and lost). But then the next week I would eat 1500 calories on most days of that week and boom my weight would simply maintain my weight or worse, I would gain!  Then I would say ‘but by the numbers, I should be losing weight.  And then I would cry and whine about it a bitZ.  I wasn’t being honest with myself and my bodies particular weight loss idiosyncrasies!   I had to not just admit that for my body and method that I chose to lose weight that I have to keep my calories lower....I had to accept it! 

Limitations of Sweet Treats

I have been saying for months ok probably years.  ‘I refuse to give up my sweet treats.  And that is all good and fine.  I am whole heartedly still behind that statement!   I can’t give up everything and live a life of total restriction!  However, I was indulging in the sweet treats more than once a week.  I am ashamed to admit it!  But I was!   Oh it was tracked....but that sweet treat frequently took my calorie count (which as I already mentioned was Most likely estimated way too low) way over my daily goal (which as I previously said was not a good goal for my body!).   Being honest with myself, I had to admit and accept that my sweet treats really need to be more restricted!  So cakes, chocolate, cookies...whatever I chose to indulge in, is much more limited.  I did indulge once in the last week and I felt ok with it!  Even better,  I haven’t seen any adverse affect on the scale!!!    I am not counting occasional snack of a banana in the evening toward that ‘limited food’ even though I add some chocolate syrup!  A banana is healthy!  The chocolate syrup is sweet but minimal! 

I had to get really honest with myself in order for my weight loss efforts to really take off.  I had to stop trying to stretch things as far as I could while still being ‘healthy’.  The dishonesty wasn’t hurting anyone but myself!!!   Luckily, I have opened my eyes and I see where I was wrong.  I can’t go back and take the past away.  But, I can move forward and operate with totally honesty to myself!

I'm just not......

The ‘only two day’ challenge of keeping my calories in line is over.  It ended on Sunday.  I did fairly well and have continued to keep my calories somewhat in line.   Today I’ll be over by a few hundred (250 from my low end goal to be exact…only 150 from the high end of my range).   I’m happy with that.  I’m continuing on with that and hope to make it a habit again.   Sherry set the challenge for this week. (well we discussed it and she made the final decision.)  This week our challenge is to drink enough water (or at least the recommended goal of 8 glasses….64 ounces…a day).   Once again it’s not a forever challenge.  It’s a challenge that runs from Monday through the next time I’m set to see Sherry which isThursday night for our weekly walk.  3.5 days. Who can’t chug a lug some water for a few days. However,   I’m struggling with this one. I’ve gotten a late start on the water drinking both Monday and today (Tuesday).  Not entirely my fault.  Jury duty……both mornings……no food or drink in the courtroom.   So it was  kind of out of my control.   And boy, knowing I couldn’t take sips when I wanted made me sooooo thirsty.  I drooled every time a lawyer or the judge would take a drink!  I’m back at work and I’m soaking I the water (no, I’m not trying to take in my water through osmosis or any other crazy method…I’m just drinking it steadily). No problem.  I’ll still either do it or come close. (I was very close yesterday….I may have made it…not sure how much water was in those glasses at the restaurant!)

“I’m just not losing weight even though I’ve been trying like mad!”   How many times have I heard that statement?  Worse yet, how many times have I made that statement to myself?  Probably more times than I can count!

This morning we were watching a tivo’d episode of Sister Wives.  (don’t be a hater….the show isn’t that bad….yeah, it’s a practice that I don’t believe in, but the people on that show are NOT fanatical and everyone seems happy, well adjusted and there of their own free will…through love)   Janelle (wife two or maybe three) has been very open in the recent seasons with her weight loss.  She’s been moaning a lot in recent episode about how she’s just not dropping pounds on the scale.  She just doesn’t understand why because she’s at the gym daily and she’s doing everything and the scales just aren’t dropping. She’s even said that she’s counting calories and staying within her set range.  Uhhhhh I don’t mean to downplay your efforts but something is seriously wrong….for weeks I’ve made snarky comments while watching the show.   I’ve made comments like “yeah, why you aren’t losing is because you are eating junk food” and “if you eat tons of food and the wrong kind of food it doesn’t make a difference how much you work out.”  I’m not being mean, it’s just an observation.  Her personal trainer has had her throw her scales away to try to take the importance off the number but all to no avail. So this past episode he FINALLY had her sit down with a nutritionist.   And FINALLY Janelle made a comment “I’m nervous but excited to be changing the way I cook and eat” BINGO….obviously you were not watching your food as carefully as you thought you were doing.

Now I’m not saying that people can’t plateau. But I’m really of a mind that when our weight stalls, that we should look really deep at ourselves.  Because every time my weight has stalled I’ve been able to look at my food intake and my exercise output and I’ve been able to see where the problem is/was.  For example, earlier this year my weight was not dropping.  I was eating the right amount of calories.  I was exercising like a mad woman.  By all rights I SHOULD have been dropping pounds.  But I wasn’t.  And then one day I was walking and I realized that I was eating baked oatmeal every morning.  Now I have nothing against baked oatmeal.  It’s actually quite delicious.  The problem?   I wasn’t thinking about that food in terms of carbohydrates.  I know that I’m a bit of a carb addict.  I love carbs but I also know that when I eat too many carbohydrates that my body does not lose. It doesn’t matter how few calories I eat…if I have too much bread and pasta, it’s NOT GONNA HAPPEN!  So that week I was starting to think about not losing.  I had one or two people mention the dreaded plateau word…but I wasn’t anywhere near a plateau….I was eating the WRONG FOOD!   That is not a plateau.

So before I (and you) say “I’m doing everything and I’m just not losing”   Look deeply. I would wager a wild bet that there is something that is off kilter.  I need to stop whining and just FIX the issues.    Which is what I’m doing. I’ve been stalled for 2-3 months.  I’m reevaluating and recommitting to things that I know work…..drinking my water, exercising regularly, tracking my food and keeping my food at a certain caloric level.  I’ve GOT this!

Honesty

I've not been honest.  I've tracked my food....sorta.   Yes, I go on every day.  Yes, I put my food in.  Or rather I put in my 'plans'.    I have been living in the delusion that I'm doing OK because I'm tracking.  However, I have to admit.....when things go awry and I allow stress to overtake me and I eat something extra......or when my plans don't go the way I want and I eat something other than planned.....or when.....yeah, best laid plans have not been my friend, I don't ALWAYS go back and change my food on myfitnesspal.  This is BAD.  I am hurting NO ONE but myself!

I've struggled with my exercise in the last week or so also.   Yesterday morning I got up early and got ready for my bike ride...and had a flat tire on my road bike.  I struggled to change the tube the last time and eventually had to go into a bike shop and look like a retard and ask for assistance. (my brother was out of town).  I have no problem changing the tires on my Trek or even my husbands trek...but this road bike KILLS me.  I never got it changed...and I've talked to my brother and tomorrow night I'll be going up to figure out what 'concept' I'm missing...because SOMETHING is not clicking for me.  SO my ride yesterday went out the window.  By the time I thought about switching and riding on the canal on my Trek I didn't have enough time.

I woke up this morning.  I rolled out of bed.  I couldn't ride so I was determined to RUN.    And then I heard it......pouring rain.  GRRRR  So no exercise today.   The saving grace for TODAY is that I have zumba tonight and yes, I am packed and ready to zumba after work.

Honesty...I ate an extra piece of breakfast pizza this morning.  I have already gone on and adjusted the food intake for the day.  I'm good.  I've got this!   Honesty with myself is the most important thing!!!