I Love You Mama

 I think my post title sums up everything I need to say.

Friday morning started as any other day.  I woke up and started my day like normal.  I was only awake for about 15 minutes when my phone rang. It was my brother telling me that he had just gotten off the phone with the nursing home.  Mom had died.  

 

It was unexpected. Sure, she had very limited mobility.   OF course,  she had been in the hospital for a week earlier this year.   But there was no indication that she was at the end.   So it was a bit of a shock.

I'm filled with grief and sadness.  But being honest, this is a good thing.  I know where my mother is now.  I know that my mom is no longer struggling with the most basic of life functions.  You see, she never recovered after the stroke 1.5 years ago and she struggled emotionally  with the loss of her mobility and freedom.

 The arrangements have been made, and we are in that stage between death and services.  Limbo land.   When my father died, I ate my way through my grief.   Seriously, I ate anything and everything!  I also gained about 8-10 pounds in that one week!   Within an hour of receiving the news that my mom had passed away I had already told Jason, "I'm not gaining this time, so no scads of donuts, ice cream, cakes and candies!"   

Let me tell you, it has been difficult!  That first day, I wanted to drown my sorrows at Burger King or Mcdonalds on the way to my brothers where we met to start making the arrangements!   I didn't!  I stuck to my cheerios!   The next day when Jason and I went down for the identification before cremation I wanted to stop again for fast food!  I wanted to pick up donuts!  I wanted it all!  I didn't!   I did have a higher calorie day (1700's) but the other two days since I received the news my calories have been in the 1300's!  The scales?   Right now I am maintaining!  I"ll take that as a victory!

 My word of the week for this week?  It's another phrase....... "hang on"

False Start

  We got back from our vacation and I decided to NOT officially weigh in!  Ok, I actually decided this fact before we even left for vacation!  I just knew that I wanted to give my body some time to recover and recoup!  OK, and maybe...just maybe I knew that I was going to be probably indulging on our vacation!

I did indulge!  I went in with a belief that I was going to stay the straight and narrow with my eating.  But no, I indulged!  (and in fairness, I knew it!)  Come on now...I had wedding cake...from my own wedding/elopement! 

I planned to get right back on track when I got home!  I was determined!   On Monday morning....it was back to work and I stepped on the scales!   Yup...it was just what I expected!  I gained 5 pounds...on the dot!   But I was back on track, right?

Nope.  I struggled all week.  We had brought home the leftover fudge.  So I ate that.  We had brought home the leftover yogurt covered pretzels, so of course I finished them up!   I also had leftover makings for S'mores.   I discovered that you can make a mean s'more in the air fryer!   So yeah, they went down the hatch also!   I tracked NOTHNG.   I DID focus on eating veggies at lunch and tried to up my fiber (maybe if just to negate the sugar I was eating).  

I also did not get right back on the exercise bike when I returned.  I have 500 miles to add to my mileage by the end of the year since I upped my mileage requirements to 2500.  I rode the bike not ONCE since coming home.  I was having some issues with my foot and I was trying to rest it a bit...but that sure sounds like an excuse doesn't it??   I also am once again reminded about how much good the bike and all those miles did for me.  My legs never once on vacation felt heavy and horrible.  My legs felt like superwoman legs!  Strong and capable!  (my foot...well that is just an old issue that I struggle with...).

Luckily, my body regulated a BIT.  By my official weigh in day, I was showing that I was down by 2 pounds.  I'll take it....especially since I probably didn't deserve it!

So no more.  This is the line in the sand.....Serious healthy pursuits from here on out! 

Well if that isn't ducky

 I had a fabulous week!  It was absolutely spectacular!!   I mean, it could have been better in some regards...but by the book and by the numbers it was pretty good!

I continue to rock out the mileage!   I rode every day of the week and didn't let up, even after I knew that I had reached the miles that I needed for the month of January, I kept pedaling!  I did not let up!  My exercise has become something that 'just has to be done' each day.  It's kinda like brushing my teeth....it has to be done.  I don't try to talk myself out of brushing my teeth so why would I do so with my exercise!  And whatever I'm doing...it's working!  I have exercised and gotten my mileage each and every day this month!

Food.....well  I kept my calories at an somewhat even keel!   Ok ok ok, there was one day where I was up around 2000 calories...but my average for the week was 1550 for each day.  That is a theoretical LOSS.  HOwever we know that my body doesn't work that way!  Soooooo....I gained!  I gained 3.2 pounds!

Yes, I am incredibly frustrated to gain 3.2 pounds.  That wipes out most of my progress in the month of January!  It is infuriating!  

These are not excuses....but possible causes and factors in my demise this week. (Ok, that was a bit melodramatic....it's not a demise...it is just a bump in the road.).  So anyway....these extenuating facts......

 Factor number 1, the monthly ick!  Need I say more?  I have long known that I can sometimes gain up to 2-3 pounds from that joyful event.  

Factor number 2, we are going through a huge change up at work...as in a huge change up in the system that I operate each and every day.  THis week was the last week of training....the swap of information from our current system to the new system will happen this week and when I log in on Monday I will be using a different system. One that I am not feeling confident about.  One that I feel that I was only half trained on.  There are so many questions in my mind and I am stressed to the max!

Factor number 3.....could I be building muscle???  I am riding my bike a LOT!

Ok, so factors number one and two are quite valid and real.  Three may just be a little wishful thinking!  But there you have it.  I had a HUGE gain this week!!!!!!!

Excuses......reasons....well.......

I am really trying to not babble excuses!  I swear, I am trying!  But what I am going to write sounds suspiciously like an excuse!  The excuse is not that I was as lazy as my cat either!!!!

I gained weight this week.  0.8 pounds of gain!   BOOO!   But yay...I honestly thought it was going to be more!

So let's get into the why......

Weekends are notoriously rough for me with my weight loss efforts.  I do so much better when I'm at work and packing my breakfast and lunch.  I eat what is packed and I don't deviate!   Weekends however are a free for all.  Dinners out.....desserts (sometimes) and just foraging for food for breakfast and lunch.  So imagine how you think I would do on a 5 day weekend! 

We had a death in the family and I had some bereavement time from work......and those five days were filled with lots of........food.  I had a donut.  I had a piece of peanut butter pie.  I had cake.  I had heavy meals at restaurants.  Seriously....I deserved a whole lot more than that 0.8 pounds! 

Now when I went back to work I did clean up my eating .....kinda.  The first day back I was super stressed out due to a presentation/interview.  That didn't help the eating...but I tried!

And in fairness.......the week my dad passed away, I gained....and I gained BIG....so it could have been worse!

So what am I doing?  I weighed in and I accepted my gain.  I also sat back and said "no more"  this week it gets serious!   Now remember, I had cleaned up my eating a few days before my weigh in (pretty much the day I went back to work).  But I'm getting even more serious.  This is my time!!!!!

Weight loss journey gone wrong

It’s confession time! Uhhh yeah, I think the title says it all!  This weight loss journey has taken a wrong turn!

 I am so struggling to get back on track!  I want to!  Oh how I want to!   I am ready to.   But....woah...I just had an epiphany  while I was writing my confessions.   Like right when I wrote the word woah It all became clear to me!  

I have a food addiction.   Over the past few months I’ve actually had a pretty good handle on my addiction.  I have been in control.  I have managed.  And while it hasn’t been fast, I have been losing.  Queue in the sound of tires coming to a screeching halt!  Yes, and then I hit that wall.  I gained unexpectedly.  I gained 4 pounds unexpectedly!  And I took a mini vacation from weight loss.   And that mini vacation set the addiction free.   

Oh I’m still in the game.  I still am working on losing the weight.  But more of my time is spent in regrets for eating what I ate!   Seriously, I sit there and KNOW I shouldn’t eat something!  Yet a few minutes later...almost without any control over myself I find myself eating said item!  I’ve lost control!

So back to square one.....controlling the addiction!   This is hard work...and a total mental game.  But I know I can do it!  I am going to starting to get myself back under control at the most impossible time....two days before thanksgiving!   Two weeks before my birthday....one month before Christmas!   But I can do this!!!