Kitten or Lion

I was in the shower this morning and wondering what in the world to write about today.  Seriously, what can I say?  My weight is up....still.   What more could I say?   I was down about it...and about my eating from yesterday.   I was really tempted to just chuck the idea of writing a post today. And then I saw a pack of small pocket packs of tissues (or whatever they are called...purse packs???).   I decided to take a picture and just call it a day.   But as I took the picture, strength grew from that deep place inside me and I knew what I needed to write.

First of all, let’s talk about my weight.  I haven’t smashed the pattern and yesterday I was hungry at work. I had a smashing headache.  I caved and went to the cafeteria.  I didn’t stick to a simple sandwich, I caved and got chips also.  Once I got to that point, I just didn’t care and when dinner came I didn’t care.  I tracked and I was still only at about 1600 calories. But there was a fair amount of carbs in my day.  (Ha...fair amount...how about a LOT).   I honestly didn’t care!

I cared this morning when it came time to step on the scale and I showed myself up in terms of poundage.  Self disgust and self doubt crept into my mind.  My weight has been dropping at a rate of a measley 2/10’s of a pound each week.  I probably just ruined that by eating all those carbs and the extra calories yesterday.  Why bother anymore!  I was feeling like a weak helpless kitten!

That is when I was tempted to chuck this week’s Wednesday post.  I didn’t want to give it up...it’s a habit and i hated to pass it up.  But, what could I say?  

As I was grabbing my phone from beside my bed I saw the three pack of tissue packets.  I decided to share my tissues.    A few weeks ago my friend Sherry sent me an email with a picture of some tissues because of what it said.   I loved it and when I saw them myself, I purchased them.   I dropped them on my nightstand and forgot about them...until today.

The first pack of tissues.

Find your fearless.   Immediately I put that in perspective with my current struggles.  I am so fearful...fearful that my slow and steady plan won’t work.   Fearful on the mountain bike trails (sometimes..other times I feel free as a bird).  And I feel fearful of the scales.  Im fearful of sharing my writing with the world.   I’m fearful of NOT knowing how I am doing...so I weigh every day.  (And I’m glad I do...it has shown me the pattern...if I only weighed on Wednesday’s I would not see the fluctuation and the lows and highs...I would just see it as a consistent high).  I’m fearful of never getting this weight off!  

Find my fearless....easier said than done...but it’s time to really search for fearless!

The next tissue pack?

Seize the moment.   There is no better time than now to make myself healthy.  Right now...every moment is a chance to seize the moment.   I may have indulged yesterday...but I have right now to do better.

And the third packet, the one that made me buy them?

Well then....believe in yourself.   Along the way I changed my blog title  o beliefinmyself. I need to remember to really believe in myself...in all ways of life!

It’s time to stop being a weak helpless kitten and instead roar like a lion!!!!

changed my blog title

Evolution: Beginning, middle and end

Another one bites the dust...weeks thatbis.  I just have today at work and then I’m free as a bird...for two days.  A somewhat typical week, I guess.  I’ll let you be the judge!   I did however make some discoveries about the evolution of this blog.

I have been writing posts on here for twelve and half years.   This blog has undergone some changes, ideas and beliefs.  I have recently been going back and reading old posts and it has been interesting.  There have been a few things that I totally forgot.   I apparently forgot the original name for my blog!  I also forgot a 'mantra' that I had for a while also!  Both of them were pretty good too!

A NEW START
Back on February 11, 2007 I wrote a post.   In reality the post was rather insipid.  But it contained  a neat nugget of forgotten information.  The first line of the post was  "Ok...this is crazy...today's post title  is a new start..and that is the name of my blog."    As I read this the other week, I had to do a double take!  Really?   This post wasn't always called belief in myself?  When did this change occur?  How did this happen?  I have no memories of this early name.  Nor do I have any memories of what sparked the name change.  I am however still in the process of reading through and labeling old posts, maybe I will find another nugget of information giving me clues to when and why the change.

Even cloaked in my faulty memory mystery, I can look back and see where this was the perfect name for my blog when I started.  I was embarking upon the journey of a lifetime.  It has led me to experiences I never thought I would have.  It really was a new start for me.

THINK THIN
In those early days of losing weight and success, I had a motto, think thin.   I actually called it my motto in blog posts.  I finished every comment on fellow weight loss blogs with the two simple words. I was in a few weight loss challenges and even led a few).  Every email and correspondence ended with the words, Think Thin.  I literally used it as my sign off.  Instead of "sincerely, MaryFran"   or  "love, MaryFran"  I would finish everything with "Think Thin, MaryFran."

Think thin worked for me.  It guided my decisions.   I was always thinking thin, meaning that my decisions were ruled by the thought of beng thin.  It also reminded me to try to pattern my thinking after 'thin people' in terms of eating and food.  And yes, there is a difference in how most thin people look at food versus how a morbidly obese person looks at food.  (Generally Speaking at least.)  The perfect example of this was the cheesecake lunches of my size 0 boss.  I also talked about this different thought process in 2008 when I found an article that talked about the difference between thin and not thin people.

Belief In Myself
Somewhere along the way this site and blog segued into belief in myself.  It was a good change.  It encompasses every aspect of life.  We have to believe in ourselves if we want to have success in weight loss.  We have to believe in ourselves if we want to follow our dreams.  We have to believe in ourselves if we want to achieve true happiness.  

I don't foresee the name of my little piece of the internet world changing anytime soon. I like Belief in Yourself.  It covers it all! 

Week Recap

It was a somewhat typical week.  Work, eat sleep. With the commute that does seem like my work week.  (Even with a much shorter commute, since our move it was cut from 2 hours down to one, my days are still 11 hours long.  Yes I leave the house at 7AM and don’t get home until right around 6.).  So let me give you the week in bullet points.

**I had some experiences with hunger this week.  What typically has worked for my food options, this week just didn’t cut it!  I was hungry to the point of being sick a few times at work. What makes this ironic is the fact that I had already written the main part of the hunger post a while back to use at a future time.  (Yes, when I have a nugget of information that I want to include in this blog I will write it out.  Sometimes it immediately makes its way to a post..if it’s appropos for what’s going on.  And sometimes it just sits in the hopper awaiting the right time.)

**I've been having some pain in my right foot.  This isn’t too extraordinary though.  I deal with a fair amount of pain in my feet...they are a mess and have always been!

** I am in the process of self publishing a collection of stories/tales of my online dating experience.  The collection of stories are totally true. The collection started as emails to friends because they wanted to know how my first date after divorce went  (or second...third). They encouraged me to keep writing the experiences...so I did.  Now it’s time to just put it out there instead of having the writing sit untouched forever.  So I spent a lot of lunch and 15 minute breaks this week on my final edit and final read through.

**What?  No walking on my breaks?  Yeah...that didn’t happen this week. NOT because of the final read through.....but because we had rain...lots of rain!!!  I think they said 10 inches in like 5 days or something crazy like that!

** The magical cookies are gone.  And literally two days after they were gone, my weight popped back up on the scales.  I didn’t panic or anything. I was still within the three pound acceptable fluctuation range all week. (But I was nervous about the official Friday weigh in!). But seriously...maybe they are magic!!!

**I have joined a transformation challenge.  I am as of yet, totally undecided how I want to approach this challenge.  I have waffled back and forth!  Do I want to dive in full force and go for the win (ha I don’t hold out hope of that...but at least really try)...meaning work my goal end off for 8 week.  Total restriction of calories and high amounts of exercise (well as much as I can fit in).  Then at the end of 8 weeks move back into my ‘live life’ approach of finding a balance.   Or do I want to stay the course that I’m on...which is slow and steady.  Ok...very slow!

**Weight..the official numbers  for this week?  Low of 244.6 and high 247.2.     Today I was 247.0.  

So as as I write I realize that the title of this post  Evolution:  Beginning, middle and end is not really correct.  It does cover the beginning.  It also covers the middle.   However, it doesn't cover the end.  This is an ongoing story.  There is no end.  Each week I will be moving forward in some way.    I will be striving for success until the day I die.  I will believe in myself until the day I die.   My hopes and dreams have no end!