The plan

 This Baker's Cyst thing is really cramping my style.  I was on a good path.  I was making headway with my weight loss efforts.  Now I am on restrictions with what I can do.  Now I am in pain when I even try to walk.  Now.............  ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

In my post where I talked about the issues and how it unfolded I wrote about how I have a plan for my eventual return to Zumba.  I am super excited just thinking about returning!  It will come....in time!

But in the meantime I knew I needed a plan because I don't want to erase all the good that I have done for myself in the meantime!  So I came up with a plan!   

 The first item in my plan is that I need to keep moving.  That is the most important thing.   With that said, I need to be using my exercise bike  It is low impact and 'should' be a good plan.  Of course this is in theory, as I haven't tried to ride yet with this bum knee!    I have a tv in the office but it is not plugged in and I have no roku/firestick for it.  So getting a tv hooked up to watch in there is on the to do list.  

 As soon as my knee is good enough for me to actually be able to sit and stand without serious pain (and without me thinking that I am going to have to ask someone to help hoist me up from the sitting position) I plan to hit the gym and work on arms, shoulders, backs, etc.    I will add the leg training in asap.

The third thing is my diet.   The trainer wanted me at 1600 calories which hasn't typically worked for me.  I was trying it while I was trying to build muscles.  But with this new (hopefully temporary) phase, I have decided to restrict the calories down again.   Not so low that it's dangerous.  I know that 1200 is the lowest an adult should ever go.  But I need to go into a larger calorie restriction to get this weight off.

You see, this knee issue is a symptom of a larger problem....arthritis.  I can work through arthritis pain and have for years.  I can not work through this bakers cyst pain.....it's almost virtually impossible to walk when your knee buckles.  It's early impossible to do anything when your breath catches when you go up or down a step.   It's just not doable.   So I have to attack the arthritis the only way I can at this moment and that is through my eating!   

Luckily for me they always say that weight is lost in the kitchen and not the gym!

 

 I went to the gym for my scheduled training session and to officially cancel.   We talked about where I am and what is happening.  We talked about my plans going forward.   I actually listened to what he said and then told him my plan.  His big thing was to keep moving in anyway I can!   He wants me to walk (8000-10000 steps a day as soon as I can conceivably manage it)   As soon as I am able with the knee to easily stand and sit I am to get back to the upper body strength training.  

We talked about what my workouts will be when I get back strength training.   My training profile will remain active so I will still have the access to my workouts. (Although I will be making a copy /screenshot just in case it is deleted.)     Furthermore, I talked to him about the possibility of paying for a single session here and there....and that is a clear possibility.   He is the one that brought it up that I can make an appointment with any of the trainers when I need/want some help....which is cool because I can try out other trainers and their styles (I will pay more for a single session...the deals are in the monthly commitments).   I thanked him for getting me back to a point where I COULD do some strength training (emotionally at least hahaha).   

I told him my plan to cut calories further, no lower than the 1200 in an effort to get the arthritis under control.   When I said that the arthritis isn't going to get better until I get the weight off he agreed and said, "at the worst it will be more manageable with each pound you drop".  He said the larger calorie restriction was a good idea.   

So not that I needed his advice or approval, I got it anyway.  It is nice to have confirmation that my plan is on point.   

Now just to carry out my plan and get this weight off so I can get back to the 'scheduled program!" 

 

 

Progress Found

 This last week has been crazy in terms of my efforts to be healthy. I am not going to talk about it again because I already covered it in my last post.   But just suffice it to say that it was bad.    On Friday I woke up and I consciously made a decision to throw up my hands and indulge.

 

Water?  I didn't fill up any water container to take to work.  I jumped right to soda.  Diet soda at least, but still soda!  

I didn't even take soda from home. On no......I stopped on the way to work and bought a really big diet pepsi.  And of course I didn't just buy a drink.  I got a bacon egg and cheese pretzel melt AND some hash browns!  

Lunch wasn't any better.  We ordered out. I got a big pretzel with cheese dipping sauce (and some honey mustard sauce dip......)   It was delicious!   I topped off my diet soda with another can or two in my cup along with some fresh ice.  

I had a few pieces of candy in the afternoon (starburst).

And for dinner I had pizza.  A LOT of pizza.   And more diet soda for course!

I probably ate 3000 calories for the day.   And let me be clear, I felt horrible!  Not emotionally, physically!  I felt so sick!  

It made me think though.   I used to eat like that all the time.   I haven't eaten like that in years, but I used to!  It used to be nothing for me o start the day off with a big breakfast, eat lunch and a full dinner.  I think in the past I have even wrote on here how mid afternoon I would even contemplate (and complete) a quick stop at a fast food joint to get a mid afternoon snack....nothing big, maybe just a burger and/or fries.     

Yet I ate less than that on Friday and I felt sick.  Above all else, it showed me that while my body is not dropping the weight lie I want, at least I can see progress in how I am eating!  (and what I am capable of eating!)

 

Not So Much

 It has been a fabulous week for my weight loss efforts.......not so much.   It has been a fabulous week for working out.......not so much.  It has been one of my all time favorite weeks this year......not so much!

 

This week started out perfectly dandy.     I saw the trainer on Sunday and had a great workout.  My arm was feeling pretty good and I was set to slay the week!    While I was with the trainer I did mention that my right knee was really bothering me, more so than normal and at the back of the knee not the normal arthritis location.   We talked a bit about zumba and how that could be part of the stress and I did advise that I do tone it down quite a bit and I reminded him that zumba (and running) is my heart....it's the exercises that I find myself happiest.....and that this strength training stuff was only a necessary evil.  We left the session with the comment that in my next session we were going to focus on legs so that he could see what was happening.   Perfect!

Monday my eating was healthy and I headed to the gym in the evening for my next solo strength session to be followed up with my hour of zumba.   My knee was feeling icky.  Icky enough that I took a knee brace to the gym with me to utilize for support during zumba.  See, I was prepared.   I powered through my strength session (which was a leg workout) and was honestly pretty happy with how my knee felt.  It was no worse than when I had walked into the gym. Yay!   On to zumba!   I actually did talk to the instructor before the class and told her that I wasn't sure how it was going to go down because my knee was crankin'!  I put my knee brace on and started the class.  The class was fun.....not so much!    Yeah, within 15 minutes I was in PAIN.  I thought about leaving.  After-all, I had let the instructor know that it may happen.   But I didn't want to give up.   I stayed.  Another 15 minutes went by and it was bad.   I was still pondering leaving, but well.....I was in the front and didn't want to make a spectacle of myself.  I stayed.   I was barely doing the movements...there was no pep in the step and even my arm movements were surely lackluster and not at all energetic.  I made it through that complete workout!  I even made it out to my car without my knee buckling causing me to fall flat on my face.   I dropped into my car because no, there was no graceful slipping into the car.  I drove home.   And when I went to get out of the car I KNEW I was in trouble.

It was bad.   Bad enough that I immediately started to cry, you know the kind, just silent tears of pain that streak down your face while you do what you need to do.  (I think the last time was when I went  over the handlebars of the bike landing on my face and then rode my bike a few miles back to the car.)  I took advil and crossed my finger for a healing night of sleep!   Yeah, that plan....not so much! 

Tuesday morning was torture.  So bad that I was one of the first people seen at the urgent care center.  If you know me, you know that if I willingly go to have a medical professional look at me, that it's bad.

 

So apparently I have a bakers cyst.  The best way to describe a bakers cyst is that I have a leaky knee.  Ok, thats' the fun way to describe it.   The more serious way is that when there is an injury to the knee (or an arthritis flare up) the body produces a fluid to help cushion and repair....but sometimes it 'leaks' and creates a cyst.  And that is my problem.   The cyst can be up against pushing on those muscles and lots of other things.   Ohh and painful.  Lucky me.....not so much!

Tuesday was pure torture with walking.  I could barely do it.  Each step was like an ice pick straight into my knee.   Wednesday was slightly better.....and each day has improved a bit.  But back to normal....not so much.    It supposedly takes a while to rectify itself.   Most of the times the bakers cyst will rectify itself and the fluid will eventually be reabsorbed into my body.   If it doesn't get better, there are surgical options (yeah, I don't want that!)    It's been a painful week.

So no exercise......unless you count hobbling around as little as possible exercise.

Neither did I feel at all even remotely inclined to cook.  So we ate some processed foods and some other less than healthy options.  

I go back to the trainer tomorrow.  (I need to sign the paperwork to cancel...as my two months are almost up and I have not seen the amazing results that he said I would have......although the computer body scan thingy showed that while I haven't lost weight....I was actually up a pound or two that I gained about 5 pounds of muscle....but do we trust a computer scan?)   I know that a lot of the exercises on my leg day routine I can actually not do at the moment.  Deep knee squats......not so much.  That booty machine.....yeah not so much either.  And I honestly don't even think the big step up thingy (is it 12 inches...or 18 inches??) is even possible as I struggle to take a short normal step or even a curb at the moment.  So he has his work cut out for him to come up with alternatives that I CAN do!

 As for zumba.  That is on hold right now.  But I do plan on going back as soon as possible, I just like it!    I WILL be modifying it further.  I WILL be in the back row instead of the front so that I can dip out without making a spectacle of myself should it turn out to be a no go.    I will also be investing in some dance shoes.  When I was doing zumba regularly way back when, for much of the time I actually used a more 'dance' style shoe.   What in the world am I talking about?   It's all about the traction.   A normal tennis shoe is made for walking/running and the tread is made to help that forward motion.  But dancing there are pivots and turns.   But if your shoe has traction that is working to keep your foot moving forward, that means it is gripping and fighting you while you 'turn'.   SO basically I need a shoe that has good support but limited traction.    I have fleetingly thought about those shoes since I started zumba, but it was always a passing thought.  Well it's not passing anymore.  I will be buying a new pair and utilizing them.....and maybe for a while just marching out the pivots instead of doing them.  But that is all to come.  In the meantime, I'm taking the medications, rubbing the medicated stuff on my knee and resting as much as possible.

 

And this coming week, no excuses.  I need to double down and get this weight off.  That is honestly the only hope I have of bringing this arthritis under control!

 

 

Hitting the Wall

 

And it hits.   The wall. 

 

I signed up for personal training about a month ago.  I was gung ho.  I was totally into it.  I vowed to give this my everything.   I wasn’t sure if it would work, but I was going to follow through and at least try.

 

It’s hard.   It’s real hard.

 

My arm has not gotten better.   Trainer dude told me to stretch it.  I have done so.  It still hurts!   I can see mobility is sometimes iffy.    On Saturday I was in my Zumba class and we were doing a song with all arm work and I actually did half of the song with only one arm.  I knew that I had a full day of work at home and I honestly knew something was going to have to be sacrificed.   The Zumba song was heavily modified so that I could still move my arm later that day. So yeah…..not feeling all that much relief from the stretching.  Admittedly, the stretching seems to help at the moment, but the pain comes back with a vengeance…maybe even a bit worse afterward. 

 

The arm thing makes me want to quit!  Big time.

 

Trainer dude is ok.   I have listened to his advice and his comments and I have followed them.  But I am questioning the cost that I am paying and the value that I am receiving.

 

Why?  Well let me list the reasons.  (And let me say that he came highly recommended by some of the gals in my Zumba class.)

 

1. Trainer dude ‘forgot’ to put my ‘in between’ workouts…my ‘homework’ into the system.  So the first week went by and the workouts that he wanted me to do never appeared.   We had our second session and boom…..he knew that there was nothing there and said that he would have them in there shortly.    I was muddling through my OWN workout on Wednesday when he walked up to me to say hi…….I pointed out that they weren’t uploaded yet.  10 minutes later he got them uploaded.  He claims it was  system glitch and he did it…believe what you want.   Let me also say that this is not the only time that he has said, “I’ll do such and such and you’ll have a message in a day or two”….and I hear crickets and have to reach out to him or wait until my next session.
2. I don’t think he is listening well.   He wants me eating 1600 calories…..I have NEVER been able to lose at 1600….even when I was really active. I mentioned it to him and he brushed me aside.   He did say that month one would not be a month of losing but that it would pay off in month two onward.  I feel as if he is giving me his rote answer…..telling me the calories that his software said that I need to eat and there wasn’t a lot of back and forth.  His way or the highway.  And honestly, I would LOVE to be able to eat at the 1600 mark.   SOOOO…it’s month two.  I’m waiting! 
3. The arm thing.   I mentioned this issue that I have had in the past with my arm.  When it happened, he didn’t do anything to adjust my workout …..other than I lowered my weights and then still struggled with it.  So, whatever caused it is still out there lurking in the shadows.  (In fairness, when I told him that it was bothering me, he offered to cancel the session and send me home……but he had already postponed the session once….and I knew that he had cancelled the next TWO sessions because he was going to be out of town.)
4. Yes, let’s talk about his vacay.   Everyone needs a vacation…. but when we started looking at make-up sessions his schedule and mine don’t mesh…only on the weekend.  So, I am down two sessions. Who knows if I just lost them or if we will ever make them up.  (And quite frankly at this moment, if we don’t make them up, I am not worried about the loss of his supposed knowledge….and only about the $72 I paid for that hour!
5. Oh yes, let’s talk about the hour.   My last session…which he cancelled /postponed until the end of his day (He stayed late to get my session in that day…. ruined my day but well…. I needed to get it done because of the whole vacay thing and I didn’t want to be down three sessions).    We started the workout …and we had run through my workout….and he ‘released me’ as done after about 40 minutes.   Hmmm…. but I paid for 60 minutes.  (in fairness, the other two sessions were the full hour)
6. The workouts, let’s talk about them.   There are circuit machines/area at the gym.   I am basically doing a circuit. Broken down into legs, push, pull.  Three different workouts.   I leave the circuit area once or twice in all my workouts.   I am doing what I did myself all those years ago when I was going to the gym and doing the circuit workouts.   I am paying him to tell me to do what I have previously done on my own. During my training sessions with trainer dude he is basically just standing beside the machine and counting my reps.   ($72 bucks worth of counting apparently) What’s wrong with this picture? 
7. I have not seen one smidge of progress with my mobility….yet.   It’s month two, shouldn’t I be seeing progress?

So let me give credit where credit is due.  I had been going to the gym for a few months before I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for a personal trainer.  In that two months I had been to the gym 3-4 times a week.   The first night I went in and asked at the counter “where is the Zumba being held?”.   They pointed me to the area I needed to go and I went.   And that is what I have done.  I check in and walk back to the fitness room ….when Zumba is done, I tuck my head and walk out of the gym.  I have not investigated.  I go to my class and that was it.   The trainer made me a bit more comfortable in the gym.  I at least know where the circuit area is.   (Ok, I have been all over the gym now.)  It got me comfortable enough to actually go and use the circuit of machines.  For that, I am happy and thankful.

 

I don't want to quit on something though.   So I'm riding this thing out.....and I will continue to go......remaining hopeful that something will change!

 

But long term?  What will happen with trainer dude?   The jury is still out.   Right now I am leaning toward giving my notice at the 2 month mark… (I need to give a 1 month notice….and I am committed for three months)   As I said to a friend last night, “He has a few more weeks to prove his worth, but right now I am not seeing a $72 value.”

An Expensive Egg

 In early April we made a decision.   It has been a bit pricey, but it has been fun.  Everything also has said that we will recoup some of our expenditures.   But well, it's just been an outlay of money.  But like I said, it gives us entertainment.  

The Background

Jason loves animals.   He would have one of everything if he could.   Literally.   One day he will walk by our shed and turn to me and say,  " I've always wanted a donkey. We could put a donkey in this shed and in the front field"    But the next time we walk by together he will say,  (and I quote) "I think this shed/barn would be perfect for an Alpaca."   But we have also had a discussion about how it would be really cool to turn the barn into a rescue sanctuary for birds of prey.   And lets not forget the statement "I want an owl!" or  the next week, "Sugar gliders!  I've always wanted one!"   

  It is a common occurrence to have him come home from work to tell a story about an animal that he saw and got to interact with as he goes into houses as an appliance repairman.  I hear about birds, snakes, dogs, cats...you name it.  I even hear stories such as this one, "MaryFran, I was eating my lunch in my van and a baby squirrel fell out of a tree.  It laid there and I watched and let me tell you, if mamma squirrel didn't come back, I was bringing that squirrel home because I've always wanted a squirrel for a  pet."  Mamma squirrel did come back that day, so I was spared.  But you get the point.  The man loves animals.  

Chickens

In early April we were having a conversation and we decided to go ahead with adding chickens to our life.  I had thought about it for years (even before I was with Jason) and well, you know Jason had thought about it quite a bit simply because it's an animal!      We took the leap and got 4 baby chicks.   And those chicks resided in my family room for weeks upon weeks.  They were the most coddled and loved chicks for sure.  

While they were growing.....in my family room, Jason and I had to get something ready because why yes, we bought chicks before we even had a chicken coop!   A chunk of change later and we were the proud owners of a chicken coop and chicken run that resided in our yard. It took a while for Jason to feel comfortable for the chickens to actually spend the night in the coop (remember, these chickens are coddled and much loved.)  But eventually they did move to the coop and they have been in the coop and outside now for about 2 or 3 months now.  Still growing, still acting crazy and still costing us money....because the money outlay didn't end after the cost of the coop.  They need food, and treats and bedding for the coop.  They even got an electric fence around the coop to protect them.  

The Dog

Side story.  Zoey loved the chickens when they were inside.  And she continued to love them when they moved outside. She had no problem going into the pen with these wee little babies (they were still wee little when we took them outside).  It was honestly adorable to see our big dog intrigued and fascinated with the chickens.  But a few weeks after we put up the fence she got zapped.   Somehow in her dog brain, she has decided that the chickens are what caused her to get zapped.   Therefore, she is now petrified of the chickens...and barely tolerates being in the backyard with them.    Big sissy!

The chickens

SO the chickens have been outside for a few months, costing us money.  But we have been talking about how we should be getting close to them starting to lay eggs. I have laughed about the fact that Jason has a work convention that he is going to and the chickens would most likely start laying while he is gone, meaning he would miss his first egg.  I even laughed and said, "I'll put a store bought egg in the coop and tell you they laid while you were gone just for a laugh."    But that trip isn't until next month.

So two nights ago I was making dinner and looked out the door to the backyard.   The dog was cowering as far away from the chicken coop as possible and Jason was tending the chickens inside the electric fence. I stepped onto the back porch and innocently asked "have you been checking the nesting boxes regularly in case they start laying."     

Jason grinned and turned around and walked back to the nesting box.  He opened it up and then looked at me and said, "ha ha ha, you put an egg in there."    

Dumbfounded I  said,  "Is there an egg in there?"  He just started to laugh so I assumed he was teasing me.  I continued,  "No, I wouldn't do that, but it would be funny if I did.  Maybe I should do that some day soon."   

We laughed a bit and Jason went about continuing to clean the coop and pen while I stood out there talking to him.   All of a sudden he turned to me and said, "Seriously though, how long ago did you put that egg in there, so I know what to do with it."  

"What?"

Yes, one of our chickens laid an egg!    

It is the most expensive egg!   Coop + Run + Electric fence + food + bedding + Treats = 1 egg

Last night I let the chickens out and I peeked into the nesting box.   We had another one!   But those two eggs are STILL expensive.  hahaha.  :-)

We are pretty sure that it is  one or both of the gray chickens....or as I call them, one of the Millies (Millicent or Mildred).    The Black Jersey Giants are the same age, but they mature more slowly and usually take 1-2 months longer than the others to start laying.  But no fear, I am sure the jersey Giants (Esmeralda and Gertrude) will join in the fun soon.  

 But yeah, the chickens are laying!!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Accountability

I talked the other day about my plan....my challenge....what in the world was I talking about.  I realized after I hit post that I just dropped that one into the mix out of no where.   So lets talk about it

  When I was on my little mini vacation I went to visit my friend Linda in Indiana.  While in Indiana I got to go a few hours south of Indianapolis to visit my friend Julie.  

Julie and I have been friends for about 26 years. (Seriously, that number hurt to write...not because we have been friends that long but because how can I be that old!)  Julie was actually a bridesmaid during my first wedding.    

 

 This was right before we walked down the aisle...and I was apparently leaning back to relax and trying to not wrinkle my dress!   Julie is the gal closest to me!

Julie and I don't live close to each other, but we have stayed in contact through email and whatnot relatively consistently over the years.   When I lost the weight the first time, Julie was doing the same thing 8 hours to the east of me.   We walked through it together....from a distance. 

 

So when we saw each other we naturally talked about where we were in terms of our health.  (She had regained also),    SO I proposed an accountability partnership.  We would text each other daily to talk about our progress and if we met the goals of the day or if we had failed miserably.  We have done pretty good....except for this past week.  

We each have different goals....tailored for our own needs and our own circumstances.  (For example, she has an apple watch and her goals center around closing the rings.  I don't have an apple watch and use Garmin....so my goals are different)

 My goals: 

1.  I am aiming for 5 fruits and veggies a day.  I am aiming to be healthy.  Eating nutritious food is a big part of that.  Sure I want to lose weight too...but being healthy is the MAIN goal.

2.    I am trying to get 64 ounces of water a day.  Once again....a goal that is healthy!

3.  Exercise at least 3 times for the week!      When I set this goal I was thinking that I could TYPICALLY do three zumba classes a week and the week that I work Saturday I could slip something else in.   Then I got a personal trainer and if I do what I'm supposed to, I get TONS more than 3......

4.  Track my food....even if it's ugly.    Tracking tends to help me clean up my eating.  It is different when you have to actually have to look at it in writing!

 

Julie and I may struggle with tough love.  When one of us has a bad day we encourage and say "it's ok"  ..there is no tough love.  But you know what, knowing I have to tell her sometimes keeps me on the straight and narrow! 

  

 

Excuses

I started the week feeling strong.  I had a plan and I was going to slay the week.   That is not what happened!   

 My shoulder/arm hurt!

It was  birthday week at work (two birthdays) and at home (one birthday)!

We were super short staffed at work!

I had to work late!

I was tired!

Yeah, yeah yeah, they were all excuses that I had this week!  

 It was a crazy week for sure.  I was supposed to have jury duty on Monday.  But on Sunday night when I called, I was excused.   That turns out to be a good thing because on Monday we had one person out on PTO and two people called in sick.  Had I still had to go to the courthouse for jury duty, there would have only been two people at work.  Uhhhh you can't operate with only two people.   Three is bad enough, but at least doable.   I ended up working open to close on Monday.  That totally threw my plans to get off work early, finish prepping dinner and then getting to the gym by 5 for my strength workout followed by an hour of zumba.  Kinda hard to do all of that when you don't get off work until 5:15. (and work 20 minutes from home)   I did make it to zumba at 6:30........barely. 

Tuesday, I could barely function I was so tired.  So of COURSE I didn't go to the gym to make up that strength training session that missed the day before.  

Wednesday, my excuse was that I was busy....busy making a birthday cake for Jason.  And maybe reading.

I made it to not other zumba class.   (Saturday zumba wasn't my fault though...I had to work!) 

 

But Yeah....you get the point!

Furthermore,I have  plan/challenge that I have been working on since my little 'mini vacation' went by the wayside......what went wrong?

1.  I am aiming for 5 fruits and veggies a day.........I was lucky to get 1 serving each day this past week!

2.    I am trying to get 64 ounces of water a day...........does diet soda count as water?   (It should, however I don't count it as water.....)  SO yeah, I drank a lot of soda this week!

3.  Exercise at least 3 times for the week?   I got in one.......that Monday night zumba class! 

4.  Track my food....even if it's ugly.    Yeah, that didn't happen!

It was bad.  I know it.

I can't even say that today will be better.   We are heading to Jason's parents house for his birthday lunch with them.  There will be food.  There will be cake.  ARRRGGGHHHH

The plan though is to get in cardio and strength this morning at the gym.   And tomorrow.....back to tracking...back to counting water.   Back to the basics.

 One of these 'restarts' will stick right? 

Two steps back

 Training is going well.  For the most part.  I am still exhausted.  I’m still sore a lot of the time.  I’m still occasionally  taking advil to knock the edge of the soreness off at night so that I can sleep.  I’m still not giving up.  But seriously, it feels like I take one step forward and two steps back!

 

But, there has arose a problem or two.  

 

The first thing is my knees.  I have mentioned them in the last few posts….and the trainer dude and I are really trying to attack the knee issue.  Right now my worst knee is my left one.  That is the one that just aches and aches. (Ok, hurts and hurts….cuz it’s not exactly an ache, it’s a little more intense.)   But yesterday at work I made the situation worse.   I was in my office with a client and had to walk out to complete a task for the client.  I came back into my office and sat down on my chair.  I scooted my chair in so that I was in position to continue my work with the client and WHACK….I rammed my GOOD knee into the drawers of the desk.  OH.MY.WORD!   It was bad.  Tears coming out of my eyes bad.   Take your breath away bad.  I laid my head down on my desk (forehead) and tried to regain my senses.   The poor client was an elderly man and he was so nice.  When I finally lifted my head and tried to get back to business, he kept saying “Take all the time you need.”   I managed with him….and for the rest of the day.  But lets just say that it’s been 24 hours and that knee still hurts!  (Let me also say that I didn’t let it get to me last night and I STILL went to Zumba, but did have to tone it down a wee bit!)

 

I didn’t make it to do my planned strength workout last night.  It really wasn’t m fault though.   We had one person out on PTO and two people called out sick.  I stayed to help close…..and then we had to pick up the car from the mechanics shop….and well, I had just enough time to get to my Zumba class.  

 

Ohhh the car?   It died on me on Saturday.   Luckily it was just a battery issue.  So my baby has a new battery and fresh oil!

 

So last week I completed my scheduled workouts.  I have three workouts to do each week. Push day,  Legs day, and pull day.   Push and pull days are both pretty much upper body.   No worries. I had it!  I was sore after the fact, but not worrisome.  I expected to be sore.  It wasn’t under I was in the shower on Friday morningwhen I realized that something was wrong.  I went to wash my hair and brought both hands up to my head to massage the soap into my hair.   The left arm was GREAT!  No soreness!  I had recovered.  The RIGHT arm however.  OUCH!  It hurt worse than it had all week!  Furthermore, I struggled to actually move the right arm up above and behind my head.  NOT COOL!   I wasn’t recovering, I was getting worse!

 

Years ago, I had something similar that happened.  (May 6, 2019 post )  It started out as a pain reminiscent of muscle pain, just a twinge here or there when I stretched (like to reach a top shelf in he cabinet).   In 2019, it progressed to the point that I was in some serious pain, I had numbness even down to my fingers and I had lost almost all range of motion in that arm….my dominant arm.    I ended up going to an urgent care and they told me it was a pinched nerve that was affecting everything.  The gave me RX strength Advil and muscle relaxers.   The meds took the edge off and it slowly got better….somehow, someway.

 

So when I noticed this pain in the shower this past Friday I knew that it was most likely the same issue.  What to do…what to do.   On Saturday, I was scheduled for a leg day at the gym.  Perfect!  Legs wouldn’t affect my shoulder.   When I don’t work on Saturdays, I go to a Zumba class…..I went and did that.  And made it through somewhat ok.  On Sunday I had my session with the personal trainer.  I talked to him immediately about it……and we started my workout.  It was a ‘push’ day.  So arms.  JOY JOY.     The discrepancy between my arms was CRAZY.  Where my dominant arm just a few days earlier was the strong one, now it was the weak link.  Furthermore, the amounts that I could lift diminished (not that it was anything fabulous previously, but still!).   YIKES!  I literally went backwards!   The pain in my bicep was no fun at all!

 

The trainer worked with me and he watched like a hawk.   A few exercises in he looked at me and said “it’s not your bicep, it’s your shoulder that is the issue.”  

 

Soooooooo……we spent some time with him showing me some movements to help with stretching and mobility and movement of the shoulder.  And they are things I can do at home!  So here we go, lets get this arm fixed and back on the forward progression!

 

I have about 2 weeks until my next trainer session as he is going on vacation….so hopefully I will be back to normal by the time he returns.  In the meantime, I’ll be getting in as many training sessions as possible, even if the arms may be a less weight than they were capable of last week!

Fake it Till you Make it

 

The personal training experience has worked to make me realize something about myself.  In all honesty, it wasn’t a pleasant discovery.  It was sobering.  It is sad.  It is plan and simple embarrassing.

 

I talked about it a bit the other day when I was giving a run down of my personal training experience.  I wrote how I realized that I am ashamed to even be in the gym “pretending’. To be fit and using the machines.  While I am there, I am honestly trying to make myself unobtrusive and unnoticeable.  I keep my eyes down.  I am trying to shrink out of sight.

 

How sad is that?

 

I used to not be that way.  Years ago when I was going to the gym, I went in boldy.I used the machines.  I felt like I belonged.  I had no shame.  And I was the same weight if not even more than I currently weigh now.  Yet, I find myself embarrassed, shy and awkward. 

I don’t like this me, this lack of self confidence.

 

My assumption about this absolute lack of confidence has a couple facets.  One, before I lost the weight the first time, I was happy and secure in who I was.  I actually didn’t feel fat.  I didn’t even feel overweight.  I felt normal.  But then I lost weight and realized that I had been fat all along.  Thing felt fantastic and I loved it. But when I gained weight, I suddenly realized how bad fat really felt.  (You see, before it was just normal…I thought everyone felt that way.  It wasn’t until I felt how thin felt that I realized how bad it had been.)  And let me tell you.  I didn’t like how fat felt when I regained.  And furthermore, it embarrasses me.

 

The whole world sees my failure!

 

The second facet is the fact that in no way am I the same person.  I have lost dreams.  I have gone through heartache.  It is a confidence killer to have a husband that shows no interest you as a physical human….yet that is what I went through in my first marriage.  It is confidence busing to have your spouse cheat on you behind your back…..yet I lived through that too in that first marriage.  Granted, it is years ago, but those hurts are still buried deep inside me.

 

Irregardless of the reason, my confidence is nonexistent.  It makes my gym visits extremely uncomfortable for me.  Luckily with my Zumba classes, I feel uncomfortable walking in…but once I get into my room where the class is held I feel free and at home.  But the actual gym area…uncomfortable. 

 

Uncomfortable is no Excuse

 

I am not letting my confidence issues derail me.  I wear a hat (which I always used to do when I ran anyway….keeps the sweat from dripping out of control into my eyes).  I let the brim of my ball cap ‘hide’ me.  Silly, I now, cuz I’m not hidden at all…but it protects my mind.      I do my workout and push through the discomfort.  And even with the brim of my hat pulled low, I have noticed that I am NOT the largest person there.  I am also not the person lifting the lowest weights.  Not that that matters….we all start somewhere.  But it does help me to know that I am not the only one in my fitness shape and physical size.  (And probably helps them too I imagine.)   But not matter what, I am not giving up……I’ll go no matter if I am comfortable or not!

 

As for the confidence?   Well…..I”m going to fake it until I make it!

 

 

An Open Book or Not

 

This personal training thing has been an eye opener for me.  I have made some discoveries about myself and it’s not just in how weak I have let my muscles and body get.   The personal trainer dude at the very beginning talked my food.  Which while I don’t like to admit it, I know it’s important.  Weight is lost in the kitchen, not the gym.  So I was happy to know that he wasn’t all ‘it’s the gym only’.   However, I had a few issues.

 

The first issue that I had is that he wants me to eat closer to 1600 calories.  I usually aim for 1400 or less.  (When counting WW points I am usually right at around 1200-1300 calories).   The thing is…..usually anything over 1400 and I don’t lose weight.  So I told him that.  He actually said “Yeah, you are not going to lose weight at 1600 with your current status”   He went on to say that he actually doesn’t expect me to lose weight during the first month.  But after the first month, those muscles should get to working overtime and I should start burning fat at the 1600 calorie mark. 

 

SO with fear and trepidation, I have upped my calorie intake.  Time will tell.  Thus far, I have not lost….but I haven’t gained.  I am fluctuating within a 3-4 pound range. 

 

The second thing he said was that he wants my protein intake to be over 100 grams.  Yikes, because let me be honest…protein consumption is difficult for me.  I don’t like a whole lot of meat…or meat substitutes.  Ironically, I had started using a protein drink a month or two before signing up for personal training.  That extra protein shake got me up to about 60 grams a day.  Still shy…..I am totally committee to this personal raining thing (seriously, for the price I am paying, I’m committed.)  SO I am working on that.  I am still doing the protein drink…but I am also making a smoothie each morning.  That gives me two servings of fruit and I use another premier protein drink which give me 30 more grams of protein.  So I am working on it.

 

 

The third thing actually should have been the easiest but it actually was one of the hardest for me.  And let me tell you, it was shocking.  You see, I have been tracking my food for years.  On my fitnesspal I have been tracking for 18 years (I had to go back and look).   I have shared my username and invited people to look and be accountable with me.  (If you are interested, my username is mfclingan).   I have been an open book.  I share and it’s no problem.  It’s been public knowledge!  In fact, I’ve even shared my food intake at one time or another here!  So why in the world did opening up my apps to the trainer freak me out???

 

I didn’t really have an issue with sharing my stats from my watch.    Sure, I had a momentary thought that ‘trainer dude’ was gonna see my pitiful steps.  But that was only a moment’s pause.  Seriously, he already knew how bad it was just from looking at me.  And if somehow he still didn’t get it, he would get it as soon as we had our first training session together.  So I linked that account to the trainer app.   Done.

But then it came time to share the myfitnesspal app.  No problem right?   Ohh yeah, there was a problem.  I don’t know what happened, but I cringed!   And I couldn’t understand it.  I mean, I try to be as honest as possible with my food and tracking.  So it wasn’t like I was ‘closet eating’.  But I was really struggling with sharing my app with the trainer dude.   WHY?

 

 

Was I not being honest with myself?

Was I afraid he was going to freak out if I ate one bad thing?

 

What was my fear?

 

I am still not sure.  I do think that while I say that I am brutally honest, that there probably are a few things that I do maybe fudge a bit in my favor.  Do I really count each squirt of ketchup?  NOPE.  Do I really measure out exactly how much pasta I put on my dish?  NOPE.  So yeah, maybe I’m not as honest.  Was I afraid that trainer dude was going to yell at me if I splurged on the weekend and had a piece of cake?  Or ate more than one slice of pizza?  Maybe.  But I have also told trainer dude that “I don’t eat pizza every day…..I don’t eat cake everyday….I refuse to give it up.”  I told him that if I am required to give it up that it wouldn’t be a sustainable change and that this is not a quick fix…this has to be a forever way that I can work.  He has listened…..probably gathering ammunition to try to get me to change my mind.  But I am firmly in the belief that 80% adherence is the way to go……  I don’t know why it freaked me out…..especially considering any one of you can go onto myfitnesspal and see it all anyway.

 

Food for thought though eh?   I opened it up and linked them though.  I’m all in on this venture!

Trainer Dude

Wait!  Hold the horses!  You mean I'm actually on here writing and it's only been 10 days between my last post and now?    What in the world!     It's gonna snow or something!  

Honestly though, I jest about it ONLY being a week and a half since my last post but that is still pretty lame to go that long.   As always, it's not because I don't want to.  It's not because I don't have anything to say. (When have I EVER not had something to say.)  It is plain and simple that I am so busy and so tired.

 Busy and Tired

OK, sometimes I don't rightly know why I am so busy.  It feels like I should have all the time in the world.  I mean, I do work at full time job.   Sure, last week my 40 hours stretched longer (not including the 20 minute drive both ways).   But still, that shouldn't take up all this time.   I am working on one or two writing projects....in my spare time. (So not too much in the last week.)   Sure I have animals to take care of.  But it just feels as if I am constantly on the go with no time for anything.  

Exacerbating the busy feeling is this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion.  I am just flat out tired.   I will be in the kitchen making dinner when Jason walks in the house and he takes one look at me and says "You look whupped'.   I can only agree.   There has been nights where I get home and I just cry. Not because of any issue.....but just because. (OK, so I cry spontaneously when I'm tired.....over anything and everything.   It's raining....well that might bring on tears.   I can't find the ketchup bottle in the fridge......tears.)  I've just been tired.

So why have I been so tired and so busy?   The gym.  I blame the gym.   Or to be more specific, I blame my harebrained idea to sign up with a personal trainer.    I told my trainer the other day that I truly believe that he must have been one of those kids that took a magnifying glass and burned ants for entertainment! 

 

 Nice enough guy.   And honestly, just doing his job.  He can't help it that I let my muscles disintegrate to nothing!  But still....he's sadistic!

Personal Trainer

As I said, he is a bit sadistic!    Literally.   We meet once a week and then he wants me to do 3 work outs between our sessions.   This past session I arrived and didn't have a water bottle.  I don't take it to the hour session.  I know me.  I'm not going to drink it during the session. (When I link my strength workout with zumba I definitely carry it...because that's a two hour window).  I used to rarely drink when I ran.....or when I went to zumba.  In fact, if I'm just going to zumba, I take water but I RARELY drink even a sip.  However, I do chug it when I'm done.   That is just what works for me!  (Yeah, I"m weird.....I don't deny it!)   So trainer dude was like, "where is your water".   I answered honestly and told him in my car....and reminded him that I wouldn't have drank it anyway and would have been a nuisance and if I got really desperate there was indeed a water fountain!.   He flat out told me that his mission that day was to make me regret not having my water bottle.  Ha.   (And nope, didn't regret it.......even though admittedly I was thirsty and downed like 40 ounces of water in the half hour or so after I got home.)   See, he is sadistic! 

 But......lets be honest.  I am SORE after the workouts.   He pushes really hard.  Pushed me on some machines to the point of failure.  He is finding out what my current limits are.  Because once he found that, when he assigned my workouts for the week, I am lifting just underneath that breaking point.  Fine by me because what's the use of lifting something so light that I is barely working.  I am paying an ungodly amount of money for this trainer dude......so lets get the most out of it!   But that pushing to the limit......seriously, Jason and I were out and about later in the day and I used the restroom while we were out and I told Jason when I came out.  "I almost had to tell a lady in there to go get my husband to help me get up off the toilet!"  I kid you not.. I was Sore!   I didn't even sleep well that night because every time I moved an inch in bed my muscles screamed out in freakish misery!  The next night I took an advil to allow me to get a good night sleep!

  

Trainer dude wants me eating 1600 calories.  Typically I don't lose weight at a calorie budget of 1600.  But I am listening to him and rolling with it.  He wants me to up my protein levels. (ARRRGGGHHH I struggle with protein!) .  And he has told me not to expect weight loss this first month.   

 The trainer dude wants me to do at least 3 strength sessions on my own each week along with at least 3-4 hours of cardio.   So I have been continuing my zumba classes (Yeah, lets be honest, that was non-negotiable for me anyway, I like my zumba classes!)  With the strength training, I may not push myself as hard as trainer dude does....but I am trying to push myself as hard as I can.  Why?   It's ungodly expensive and I need to make the most of it and not squander the time that I can afford to go.   (Ok, ungodly expensive may be too over dramatic.....but yeah, just shy of $300 a month for 1 one hour session a week......more than I really want to spend!)

That said, what are my thoughts right now after two trainer sessions?

*  I have flat out  told the trainer that has the three month commitment that I signed up for  to show me that it is worth the money!  He seems confident that the results will come easily. 

* I went into this trainer thing with the plan to be completely all in.  So during my initial meeting and first sessions I was very open with him.  I flat out told him my diminishing mobility and told him where I seem to be having the most issues.   Yeah, he would have eventually found the weak spots, but by me telling him up front we saved a lot of time and he was able to go right to the crux and start working on that.   It is the same concept of why I was OK with him pushing me to the point of failure each week.....it saves time and gets us to where my workouts NEED to be faster. 

* We are going after my weak spots.  So there is a lot of exercises to strengthen around my knees.  It has been beneficial to have him walk me through the exercises as I am like "oh yeah, the knee pain kicks in at this point"   So trainer dude usually can tell me to adjust the angle of my foot or leg or whatever and we try it again..usually with better results.    

* While I don't like the pain and soreness, I know it's necessary.....and in some weird way makes me proud of myself.

* Somewhere, somehow in the last 15 years since I used to go to the gym regularly, I have become embarrassed about myself and how far I've fallen.  When I used to go to the gym I marched in boldly and used the equipment and held my head high.   Yeah, I don't do that now.  That confidence is gone...and I didn't realize how badly it is tucked away and hidden (I refuse to believe it's gone) until this gym experience. 

 

So why am I tired?  I personally think it's a combination of two things.  One, on  top of the 3-4 hours of zumba I had been doing at the gym....I am now going an extra 4 hours a week.   That puts a dent in my daily schedule.  And secondly, I imagine my body is working overtime to repair and restore those muscles.  I'm giving it a few weeks and then we shall see how I feel!  Right now, I am just tired! So tired!