Apparently I’m brain dead and really am weary

So, I have a habit of writing a short sentence about my ideas for future posts...and I put them into a draft and then go back and go back to expand on my ideas a bit later..a few days...a few weeks..whatever!   I did this the other day based on a comment that I received on a post.  Except, like a fool....I somehow published it and didn’t catch my mistake until this morning!  ~slaps forehead~~

So while I was going to wait to write about it, I am going to comment and write about it further right now.   As a side note...I’m not sure where my mind is lately...just yesterday I made macaroni salad I was mixing up the dressing and totally forgot to put in the sugar.   What’s worse is I sat there whisking the mixture to incorporate the sugar that I failed to add.  Eiiyiiyii!

So what is the subject today?   It is how this journey had been so long...and how I’ve grown weary.   A faithful commenter, Paula C. reminded me of this and as soon as she said it, the lightbulb clicked on and I knew that her words were so true...and that what I was feeling was normal!!!     (As a side note, there is no link in the comments to a page of her own...but if there is any Page, I would LOVE to visit it as she always has great insight!).    

I started writing on here 14.5 years ago and my journey started earlier than that!  I’ve had success over the years but I’ve had more failure.  14.5 plus years of this near constant struggle!  That is a long time! This journey had not been short by any means!

I’ve written in the past about growing weary and getting bogged down by the sheer slowness of this journey.     I wrote about it in 2019 and this post in 2016  just to name  two of the multiple times I’ve written about this looooong forever journey.  This is a long arduous journey and it weighs heavily.  And sometimes, I think my mind just has to step back because I become a bit overwhelmed at the long road travelled and the long road ahead!

That said, this weight loss weary girl is still very much wanting to lose weight.  Paula’s comment sparked me to say to myself, your are just feeling tired...now get your butt in gear.  I am clawing my way back and trying to find a balance.   I am trying my hardest to track (in fairness some of the lack of tracking is due to just being out of the habit and forgetting to track my food).  I am trying to keep my calorie count low.  I am trying to eat healthy foods in a healthy portion!

So yes...let’s talk about the victories...not the failures of my apparently feeble mind!

*** We got in a 20 mile bike ride yesterday! 

*** I have tracked my food the last two days!  My one day was a bit high in calories...but it was tracked.

*** my heart and mind are focused on losing weight

I am not going to say that ‘I’m back’ at this point.  I know that I’m not. I’m still bone weary from the constant pressure of this journey.  But I’m trying to re-instill these healthy habits into my life.  I’m trying to change my habits and live healthy regardless of my present predicament.  I’m still pushing forward...because if I keep allowing my apathy and weariness win, the journey will only get longer as I gain more weight!  

(And I promised Jason a new batch of macaroni salad next week to go with our cookout...and I’ll nail that batch!)

Hanging on by a thread

Friday!!!  Yay!!!

I feel like I am barely hanging on.   Ever since vacation I feel as if I am flying by the seat of my pants and just barely!  It is an odd sensation.  I normally do feel exhausted as my week continues...but right now I just feel as if I’m pushing forward and getting nothing done...just scraping by.   I am getting dinner cooked on the evenings...most days.   There have been more ‘let’s just  order delivery for dinner tonight’  evenings than ever!  The house looks a wreck!   I’m just feeling as if I don’t have time for anything!   I don’t know what the difference is and what changed to make me feel like this ..but it is really starting to annoy me!  What’s worse?  I don’t know how to fix it.  Does anyone have a few spare hours to give me each day?

I have been doing well with my eating.  I have maintained my food intake within my calorie count.   At the top end...but I’m there!   I don’t eat a whole lot of complex carbs (I know that I don’t lose well if I do). I am feeling balanced and in control of this food addiction.   But my weight is just hanging steady though...which is super annoying!  It is bringing on lots of ‘I’m a failure’ feelings.   Do I really have to go online and report another ‘stand still’ or worse a gain report with my weight.  Seriously, it’s driving me crazy!!!  I have tried to tweak my food a bit this week to bump me into the losing category.....I took out one fruit  and switched it to a vegetable for my lunches......and I have ended up ravenous and not satisfied after my lunch...as in scrounging through my wallet looking for change for the vending machine ravenous!   I found the money...but I came to my senses and realized that junk food from the vending machine wasn’t the ticket.  I instead scrounged in my desk drawer and found a granola bar that I kept there for ‘emergencies’.  The next day I took a new bar to replace that one and ended up eating it instead of putting it on my desk drawer.  All week long.   So that’s just odd to me!!!

I have walked on my breaks...as much as I can.  I’m working on training and I don’t have prep time...so I have been spending my lunches printing materials for the next day.  Since I am training I am on my feet all day though!!!  That’s good!!!  We get bike rides in on the weekends but during the week not at all....and I get frustrated because I know I would progress so much faster should I be able to have the time to ride on the trails during the week...but.......

But that’s where I stand....kinda hanging on my a thread.   But I haven’t give up working on my health!   I’m still in the game!

Lies!

I got home from zumba last night.  I made my dinner and was sitting there eating when Todd came home.  I could barely put a coherent sentence together.  For some reason I was just exhausted.  I headed to bed and was asleep shortly after 9PM.  I had planned on making potato salad and packing my gym bag in the evening thus clearing up my morning to hit the road for my second to last C25K training run.  I momentarily thought about it but decided that since I was going to bed so early, I knew I would be up super early and that there would be no problem completing everything.   How wrong I was.  I didn't wake up until 8AM!  (not a problem for work because I didn't have to be at work until 10AM, but I had stuff that needed to be done) Thus began the mad hectic dash of my morning.


I have struggled with running this week.  It's been a mental thing.  I am nearing the end of this c25k training program.  I have tried this program time and time again and each time I have given up right about week 3 or 4.  So to make it to week 8 is incredible.  I know that my struggle to continue is not because of fear that I can't do it.  I have  done a 28 minute run so the next run shouldn't have been an issue.  True, I had my dismal run on Friday stuck in the back of my head, but seriously....the END IS IN SIGHT!   The old MaryFran started to doubt that I could do this c25k thing...even though I'm almost done.  For some reason I began to struggle with continuing.  Yes, I seriously contemplated quitting the program...on freakin' week 8 day 2!  What in the world?   I tell you...the mind is really where this weight loss battle (and healthy lifestyle...and exercise) is won or lost!   Once I realized that it is all in my head I said "HECK NO!"  I'm not giving up!  I've given up 4 or more times before on this training program and it just makes me have to restart it.  NO MORE!!!!!  This time I WILL finish!

So out I went.  And yes!  I did it! I ran the whole time I needed to run.  WEEEE!    But I'm coming to the conclusion that the C25K training program is a lie.  A big fat juicy lie.   I have done it religiously.  And I'm almost done.  It has got me running and for that I'm most decidedly grateful.  but,  it's more like a couch to 3.5 k training program.   Yes, I'm only doing about 2 miles in my allotted time.  Those LIARS!

This morning my music was perfect for me.  Songs would come on and just make me smile.  Seriously...when I'm doing something so perfect and good for my body how could I NOT smile when Right Said Fred's song "I'm Too Sexy" came on.  But the song that got me today was Twisted Sister...."We're not Gonna take it!"   No, I am NOT going to accept my obesity anymore.  I'm not gonna take it!  I'm gonna fight it for all it's worth!