The next stage has begun

Well, I am officially moved.  The next step in my personal journey has begun.  I'm honestly scared senseless.  I'm uprooting my life and changing so much.  My plan is to start focusing on my weight again now that life should be settling into a more 'normal'.    It will be a rough transition as my parents don't eat exactly healthy and on top of that my mother bakes.....a LOT.  (Ok so she sells a lot of what she makes, but it is still in the house for me to have to resist).   In essence, I am starting a new life and I want to make it a life of health.

Running.   On Thanksgiving I was registered to run the local Turkey Trot.  I passed on it.  My heart said to save my energy for my move.  Yes, I completed my move on Thanksgiving day. (I still have some stuff to grab to go into storage....and my piano, but for the most part I am moved.)   I do not regret my decision at all.  However, I do feel bad that I missed my running buddy, Paula's wonderful run, where she set a personal record!!!  Go Paula!  

I had grand plans to start running this weekend.  I am delaying that a bit though.  You see, the move has been rough on my body.  My back is so tender and 'sore' from moving (I guess).  My right knee, the most arthritic ridden knee is really giving me some grief.  (Steps are rough on bad knees and all of my storage stuff went into a second story storage place and I moved into a basement....so steps all around!)    Maybe tomorrow I will run!  I at least know with the knee that I'm not doing any more damage to it...  :-)

So I'm still here.  I'm still emotional.  I have not wavered on my feelings about what needs to be done in terms of my marriage, but it is so difficult to face the 'failure' of my marriage.  It is also incredibly difficult to stop 'worrying' about my husband.  I have spent the last 16 years since we have been together taking care of him...it's just part of who I've become and it's difficult to stop those tendencies.  So I found myself finding something online that he needed to see and I had to fight the urge to text him to take care of it for him.  He's a big boy and he needs to stand on his own two feet.

Meanwhile, my cats are doing very well.





Lucy, my old girl (she is my calico and is my 17 year old cancer survivor) immediately left her cage when I arrived, walked around and found a safe corner and she promptly fell asleep!   She is sleeping and has discovered that she loves sleeping on an afghan of my mothers (my mom was going to take it upstairs, but I think it's staying down here now) that is sitting on the ottoman.




Ethel spent some time sleeping the first day.  She is 14 years old and like Lucy has been through some moves before so she handled it with grace and style....ok she slept the first day away too.  But now she is up around and investigating everything and meowing at the door to get to the main part of the house (until my girls are acclimated with my parents cat, there will have to be a separation of cats).   She woke me up in the middle of the night a few times last night to meow and 'talk to me' loudly.  When I tried to go back to sleep she would paw my face to get my attention.  She had a lot to say!

Mertz is the amazing transformation.  The first day my skittish little girl (she's 5 years old) went off into the laundry room and hid.  I saw her once as she ventured out, covered with cobwebs.  I petted her and she ran back to her hidey hole.  That was ok .  That is what she needed to do for her personal adjustment, she was safe and that's all I cared about.  However, when she was ready to venture out, my lone ranger cat who is anything BUT a lap cat....a cat that prefers to be alone and not lay with you or be petted has been by my side constantly.  She has laid with me, slept with me and if I try to pet Lucy or Ethel she gallops over in order to get some of the attention.   Night and day different!!!!  It's the most amazing thing to see!  Luckily for me, (and my niece and nephews who want to see her play) she is still playing the piano!  She has serenaded my parents and myself many times!

So my small 'family' is adjusting.  Lets see where this new life takes us.  Thinner and healthier if I have anything to say about it!

Limbo....but not the flexible game!! Post from 11-12

I was gung ho to start that challenge.  It was so simple.  It was so spot on.  It was something that even in my messed up life/world that I felt that I could manage.  And then I read the 'update' to the challenge.  Basically the organizer decided to add a bit to the challenge.   Now don't get me wrong.  I actually LOVE the things that they added.  I think all of the points are awesome.   But right now in my life it adds too many layers and complicates things too much.  I need simple right now.  I can't worry about all of the things to challenge myself with .  Yes, I know I could still the simple things, but I know me.  I would feel like a failure for not doing those things that I ignore.  It's not worth it to me.  So I remain challenge-less.

I have hit up zumba each night this week.  I have also run twice within the last couple days.   My eating....lets not talk about that.  However, I will say this......I do know that I have to dial that in!!!!!!

The last two days have been reality let tearless so hopefully things are shifting.  :-).  I just want this 'being in limbo' to end....and get on with my life.....reinvent myself.   Figure out who I am and what I want.  I need to find me again.  (Oh heavens help us because the real me may be a fruit loop of a nut case!!!!)   Either way I am chomping at the bit to get past this stage.   

Packing

I'm still around.   I'm not putting any effort into my weight loss at this point.   I've got so much going on that I feel as if my head may explode.

Packing, packing and more packing.  How can one person have this much stuff??? Really, I'm not joking!  It's heart wrenching packing.  It's decision laden packing.  I have to decide who 'owns' each and every item I pick up.  Is it mine or his.  If it is ours who gets to keep it.    If it is an item deemed as mine I then have to decide where it goes....storage or into the limited space that I will be calling 'mine' for the future.   It's a horrible process.   Seriously what do you do with this???

Why yes that's my wedding cake top.  

What about this???

My wedding bouquet?

Or better yet...

Every rose he ever gave me was dried and saved.  Yes I'm a sentimental fool!!!

I chucked the flowers (he pulled them out of the trash and put them in the compost pile...whatever.).  The bouquet and cake topper I threw in with his stuff.  Let him deal with that!!!   Ok that is probably mean, but I didn't want to deal with it.

So my house is stacks of boxes that I am continually moving to strafe...bringing in empty and filling them and moving them.

Last week I hit up Zumba three times...and ran twice.   So I'm not totally off the rails.

However I'm at the top end of that 5 pound weight fluctuation.  Grrrrrr

New toys

OI didn't want to, but I got myself up and out of the bed this morning.  Why?   I wanted to get out and run.  I contemplated. I seriously contemplated because I am going to zumba tonight.  So a run is a double dip into the exercise arena.  But you know what.  An extra bout of exercise is not going to kill me.  

I ran for the second time with my new headphones.  What can I say....LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  Why in the world did I drag my feet for so long before going with wireless headphones?   Liberating freedom.  No wires snaked through my clothes.  No wires flapping in the wind.   Nothing.  Freedom!   And even better?   I have long had a hate relationship with ear buds.  They just do not work well with my ear.   They just don't stay in my ears.  (Maybe I've got big ears....or maybe small ears....I don't know but they do NOT work for me).  I have compensated for this by buying buds that have an arm that loops around my ear.  You can see the ear piece hanging down in this picture. 

 But when it boils down, it is STILL an ear bud that doesn't fit in my ear.    The little arm loopy thing that goes over my ear helps but it is still a struggle.  Seriously.  When pictures are taken of me at races or whatnot, I usually have at least one picture that has me adjusting my headphone earpiece.  See......

These new headphones stay firm and snug on my head!   No earpiece to fuss with.  I have been able to run a few miles each time I've used them and I haven't had to adjust them AT ALL!   YAY!!!!  Well worth the money!!!!!

I also purchased a new heart rate monitor.  I went with a blue tooth monitor that I could link up with various apps on my phone.  Thus far I have only used the actual polar app.  My next step is to play with it within the mapmyfitness app (which is what I typically use) and the strava app (which I've heard is a superior app....so I want to play around with it).  This isn't as fun of a new purchase, but it gives me valuable feedback (I know that this morning I could have pushed it a bit harder just based upon my heart rate.)

I am holding on....by the tips of my fingers.  I am trying to get myself packed up.  Much of my stuff is going into storage, that is what I'm focusing on at this time.  Packing up that stuff.  My emotions are still fluctuating like mad. Some days are better than others.   Today, for example I didn't cry my whole run...that's an improvement right?    I just want this to be over and to be happy, if happiness is even an option in life for me.

Focus forward

I was perusing blog posts today and stumbled across some talk of a 50 day challenge.  Now let me be honest. I've joined some challenges and they have been awesome, but more often than not the challenges turn into a eat this food product, follow this diet plan or buy this exercise program and commit to it for the set time.  I don't want that.  I'm not saying that the said methods don't work.....for that person.  However, the same thing doesn't work for everyone and it may work for the first half of a challenge and then need adjusting.  So I prefer a little more 'leeway'.   So it was with some skepticm that I began to read about this challenge.  The first item up for conversation was water consumption.  Hmmm, I do try to drink a fair amount of water.   I read onward.  Wow, they weren't even saying to cut out other forms of drinks.  The focus is just to drink water.  If you get your water in and continue to drink other stuff....great.  I can do that!

I read on.  The next thing was to eat thoughtfully.  Well yeah, that's important too!  And simple!   I can do this one!  Next up was to chose your holiday celebrations.  Once again not saying you can't celebrate just saying chose your celebrations carefully.  Hmmmm

Item number 4 was to move regularly.  200 minutes a week....really?  I already do 180 minutes just with my 3 zumba classes.  Easy peasy!

The last challenge item was to track and reflect daily!   Ok, so I haven't been tracking lately, but you know what?  I'm ok with doing it again.  Might be good for me.

 I'm in!   This is a basic plan that focuses on healthy HABITS and not the actual method of completing those habits.   

I'm in a stage of my life where things are going to be changing at a rapid pace.  I'll be moving.  I am saying goodbye to a life and lifestyle that have become comfortable (maybe not what I want...but comfortable).   I am saying goodbye to a man that I do love, but that I know is not what I need.   I need to have that daily reminder and challenge to help me set up my 'new life' with these habits first and foremost.    And well....yes, I'm going to be turning 42 right about the time that I move back into my parents house.  (yes, I'm moving in with my mommy and daddy.....but it's the best move for me as I can recoup emotionally and yes financially).  The problem with moving in with my parents?    My mom bakes CONSTANTLY.  True, she sells most of her product at a local farmers market but there are always delicious baked goods in the house.   But I will navigate that landmine and in doing it I will become stronger in this journey of weight loss.

There are good factors about moving in with my parents, beyond the obvious.  And the plethera of baked good is NOT a positive, as much as my mind and taste buds say it is positive.  My friend Paula is super excited because I will be living within a mile or two of her and that means it will be SOOO much easier to run together. (we are about 30 minutes apart now).  My sister in law has asked me (before any of this started to go down) to join a fitness center with her.  Yeah, I probably will. My sister in law (who incidentally lives across the street from my parents) also runs.  My aunt (who lives next door) has run also (don't know if she is right now due to a knee injury).   So I will have an outlet and support.   (which is good because darn if cakes and pastries are not my downfall!).  And well, I'm going to be in the finished basement with my kitty cats so I will once again have STEPS!  (Yesterday's post explains it all)

I can navigate these changes.  I can, I have to.

No longer hiding

This is probably the hardest blog post I have ever had to write.  Brutal actually.  And really what does it have to do with weight loss?   Nothing.   Everything.

I've alluded to the fact that I'm utterly sad and depressed.   I've not really come out and said what's going on but suffice it to say it's been no fun.   So it is with a heavy, heartbroken heart that I write that my marriage is over.  Oh it's not over on paper and on a technical viewpoint, we've got a ways to go until everything is finalized, signed sealed and delivered.  But it's 'over'.  

I have no interest in rehashing the details of what brought about the demise of my marriage.  This is not the time or place for that.  

I have struggled greatly over this upcoming 'event'.  I grew up in an environment where Divorce was a bad bad word. It was ingrained in my mind that divorce was a bad thing and looked down upon.  I resisted this for so long.  If I pray for my marriage it will work, right?  Nope.   That didn't work....nothing I tried worked. (and I tried and tried and tried)  So I will join the ranks of people that have a 'failed marriage' in the life.  Great, another failure! Just what I wanted, as if I haven't failed in enough of my ventures.

I am petrified.  I am scared.   I am heartbroken.

I know that these issues have held me back in my weight loss efforts the last year. The stress alone probably is enough to drop me in my tracks and keep me from success.  Beyond that,  I haven't been able to focus on anything other than these issues and how I'm feeling.   I hope that as these issues are eradicated from my life that the weight drops.  I sure hope so!

So I end this post hopeful for the future.

Down but not out!

I'm still here.   I haven't fallen off the ends of the earth or anything drastic like that.    I can honestly say that I haven't even gone off the rails in terms of my eating.   My weight is holding at that  lower post Florida weight. So for that I'm happy.   However I'm not really doing anything to keep it there.   My emotions are doing that for me.   I'm utterly void of any desire to eat. Yes, Yes, I know.  For me that is a rare occurrence.   And yes, I'm aware that this is not the way to drop weight.  And I'm not dropping weight like mad or anything.  I'm one pound down in the last week. 

Running.   What's that???    That is correct, I haven't run since I was in Florida.  I bought new running shoes though?  Does that count???

Zumba was a no go this week (instructor traveling and she couldn't find a sub). So why yes, I've been a total sluggard!!!  

So this is just basically a check in post to let my blog friends know that I'm alive.  Hopefully things will change and I can again refocus on my health very soon.  In the meantime....I'm here and I may be down, but I'm not out!!!

Fly away

Yeah yeah yeah, it's been a bit since I posted.  I have a good excuse.  Really!  I do!  Toward the end of last week I started trying to get everything squared away for a week off of work.  Yes, you read that right!  A week of freedom!   How awesome is that????

What were my plans?   I did the necessary stuff on Friday after work, hung out with a friend on Saturday and finished up what needed to be done on Saturday night.   Sunday morning I was up bright and early and ready to head out the door.  My brother picked me up at around 8AM and drove me to the airport. By lunchtime I was in the air and heading for Florida.  It was a quick trip.  Flying down on Sunday and flying back super early on Thursday morning.  I realized when I arrived that it was 24 years since I was last in Florida.  Wow....how crazy to realize it was that long.   But weirdly enough when I looked out of the window of the plane and saw the terrain of Florida, I instantaneously felt a sense of 'home'.  It was odd.    The trip was relaxing and an awesome step away from 'life' for me.  Food.  Sunday we hit up a Mexican Restaurant and I had a chicken taco salad.  There may or may not have been some queso involved in that meal too. (I'll never tell...but it sure was tasty!) We had not had lunch so at midnight we were hungry and we hit up a McDonald's for a midnight snack.  (no not healthy)

I took along my running clothes and I actually headed out for my scheduled run on Monday morning.  Ahhh it was gorgeous!   I was only scheduled for a 3 mile run but I decided to do the longer trail which turned out to be about four and a half miles.    My foot rubbed a bit on the run but nothing worrisome.   Or so I thought!   And because I'm a foodie I will share that I had a danish for breakfast. For lunch I had a buffalo Chicken Sandwich and french fries.  For dinner we had Italian.  I ordered ravioli with a tomato sauce, a salad and of course bread.    

Tuesday dawned and I decided to skip breakfast to run on an empty stomach.  I typically run on an empty stomach so this was not at all an issue.  It was actually wise as I had an interval run on the schedule.  Why yes, I ran intervals while on vacation in Florida.   I ran a pretty dang fast mile (for me) too considering the humidity was really killing me on this run.   But the worse part of this run?   That little 'rub' from the run the day before?   Yeah, it turned into huge blisters and by the time I got back to the hotel (the big building in the distance....I was on my way back when I took this picture) one of the blisters had actually already popped.  Uhhh yeah, OUCH.   Good thing I was in Florida and had flip flops to wear!  Have I mentioned that these are running shoes I've  been using...shoes that really only have maybe 75 miles on them....(the exact number escapes me at the moment and I'm too lazy to go look the number up).     Tuesday's food was another buffalo chicken sandwich and french fries (why yes, I do like french fries and why yes I did indulge a few times whilst away).  For dinner we headed out for Mexican food again.   No queso this time, but of course chips and salsa and I ordered the most delicious quesadillas!   SOOO tasty!

Wednesday. No run scheduled for me.  Honestly, even if I had a run scheduled I would have passed due to my blistered heels.  Curious about the food?  Brunch of Apple Cinnamon flapjacks and a dinner of Italian (yeah, we like what we like) where I had ravioli again...this time in a pesto sauce.  Must you ask if I had bread?   Of course!

All in all it was a good trip.  I had time to hang out and visit with a friend.  I had time to sit back and read.  I had time to relax and watch tv with out the usual feeling of needing to do something (which permeates my relaxation time at home).  I did spend time outside reading on more than one occasion, just enjoying the wonderful weather.  The picture of the water fall was taken while I sat outside reading one day. (Ok ok ok, so what if I was reading, drinking a bottle of water and eating Reece's Pieces??)   We may or may not have also managed to eat a few Ghirardelli chocolate bars. I will neither confirm nor deny.  

On Thursday morning I awoke early and flew home to spend the day with Todd.  It was his birthday so he had the option for our day of entertainment and food.   He chose a really relaxed day.  After picking me up at the airport, we drove toward home and we walked through a mall and then walked around downtown Frederick where we ended up eating at Brewers Alley.  I had the macaroni and cheese.  Tasty!  :-)

It was a bit of a let down to come home.  I was so relaxed and so happy while away.  I could feel the sense of depression that has permeated my world of late settle on me almost as soon as I got into the car at the airport upon my arrival home.   It has made my mind circle as I have settled back into home life.

Today was my first full day home and I was productive.  I have done laundry, mowed the yard, and painted my kitchen cabinets.  (I had settled for painting the old cabinets white a few years back to save money when we were moving in......ughhhh.....the white was looking dingy and icky....time to repaint....and I'm toying with pinstriping the cabinet where there is a groove that was routered out....red of course) I also took the time to go out and look for a new pair of running shoes.  I bought a new pair....lets see how they work!!!  I plan on putting them to good use tomorrow! (famous last words).  Todd and I also got in a bit of a walk on the canal.  I love love love fall! (and fall is the reason that I missed living in the north when I lived in Florida all those many years ago)

While I was in Florida we spent a bit of time browsing/shopping.  I pulled the trigger on two purchases that I have been planning on making.  I bought new headphones...blue tooth so that I don't have to deal with the annoying wires when I run.  I also bought a blue tooth heart rate monitor. (the one I have croaked a while back).  

So anyway it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales this morning.  Now I know that my eating was off yesterday (I didn't eat dinner because I just wasn't hungry and I drank next to nothing and what I did drink was diet soda...so one thing would drive my weight down and he other would drive my weight up).  I about choked on my own spit when I saw the number on the scale.  228.8.  What?????  I've been struggling with my weight and I've been stuck in the 5 pounds of hell scale vortex for the last 10 months, I go to Florida and eat food that is not at all healthy and I lose 3.5 pounds?   Really?????    We shall see what tomorrow brings on the scales.  I know that this morning my weigh in could very well have been a aberration due to circumstances (lack of dinner and lack of water).  But regardless, seeing something outside of that 5 pound range was a REALLY good thing!!!!  (and it made me chose wisely at dinner tonight!)

Torture!!!!!!

So I've been MIA a bit.   Last week was incredibly difficult for me emotionally.  My emotions were a total roller coaster.  I know I usually get that way (just want to cry...). if I'm tired (not the case last week) and on maybe one night a month in my cycle.  (Which was on target last week). But seriously?  A whole week????  Some of the emotions were serious. But there were stupid tears.  We pulled into the driveway one morning and I saw a woodpecker.  One that I've only seen once in our yard....and I've laid out there trying to capture this particular woodpecker on my camera a bunch of times.   I catch woodpeckers but not this type of woodpecker.   So what did I do when I saw it in my yard last week???  I cried because I didn't have my camera.  Hahaha. Silly, I know!  Either way, emotions galore.  What's up with that?  It better not be the new norm!!  

So I'm doing much better this week.  (Thank goodness!).   I am holding steady on the scales. That's a good thing, but I know I need to shake it up to get the weight to start dropping!  Dare I say that may mean I go back to tracking?  I've enjoyed the stress free weeks of not tracking.  But I want this excess weight gone...

I have set up my next training plan for running...focusing on speed.  I have a goal.  My personal PR for a 5k times tun is 38:20.  I want to set a new PR.  I'd like to knock off 3:20.....i want to be under 35:00!!!!   There I've said it!   I've announced to the world my goal.  (And yes I'm gunning for a sub 30 5k at some point in my future.).  So my training schedule has basic runs...longer runs and it has runs of torture....fartleks and hill repeats.  bring it on!

Zumba is going well.  This week has really kicked my tail end.  I am usually tired and can feel that tiredness in my body, but very rarely am I sore.  Holy cow this week is kicking my hiney!!!   My abs are screaming at me!!!!  Even laughing hurts!  Hahaha.  (Ouch!).  But I'll be back for another round this evening!

Monday I set out for a run.  Only 2.5 to 3 miles...but intervals the whole time.  Todd and I had eaten lunch and had a dessert of chocolate chip peanut butter bars.  I waited two hours before I went out running.   I made it a mile  before I started to feel it.  What is it?   Before that chocolate chip peanut butter bar began making its presence known.   I kept running...and I made it about 1 3/4 miles before I gave up and walked the rest of the way back to the car.   I have no desire for that dessert any time soon!!!

Lessons and reinforcement

This past weekend I had to confront my slow running pace.  I know I'm slow as a turtle in peanut butter.  I accept that.  However I obsess about it!   I worry about it and I downplay my running because of it.   

This past weekend I had to confront the very real possibility that out of the 68 participants in this small 10k that I could very well be last.  I won't lie.  Part of me wanted to walk away and not even try.   I didn't!   I decided to run this and if I came in last across that line I would cross it victorius!!!     Victorious in the fact that this former 315 pound girl could actually run (jog?) for 6.2 continuous miles!  I'm doing it and not many people can!!!

I faced my fear and I won!    

And then on Monday I got another reaffirmation.   Early this year I decided to participate in a running challenge.  I agreed and committed to run a virtual 5k each month.  The organizer has drawings each month from finishers.  I didn't do it for that though.  I did it for the challenge!   There was one month where I had to sit back and walk my 5k.  I felt like a loser.  I had wanted to run it and it just wasn't happening.   I have run every other month though.  Ironically enough the month that I walked it...my slowest 5k of this challenge I won the drawing.   I even made a comment to the organizer about how I felt guilty because I didn't even run it.  She immediately wrote back that it didn't matter how fast or how slow I did it in, I DID it.   She and I talked a bit about my prize...a hand painted mini canvas.  I got to chose the subject.  I saw it on fb while she was working on it, But it didn't arrive until yesterday.  How perfect after my struggle this past weekend.   Thank you!!!!   I'm on my phone writing this so I can't post an actual link to her page but here is her address!!!   http://thefitadventure.blogspot.com

This painting will be my reminder that as long as I'm doing my best I am a winner.

And of course a picture of my painting!!!  I put a grape beside them to show  how adorably tiny this is...and so you can appreciate the details in the painting!!   

Thank you Kyra for hosting this challenge and for having a part of my awakening!!!  :-)

I forgot to announce my progress.   I had vowed to lose 10 pounds before my 10k (5 weeks).    I lost 5 pounds.   Not what I vowed but victorious none-the-less!!!

I am still consumed with thoughts about stuff that's happening in my life.   I know that I have some major decisions to make in my life.  I know it.   I know that I have to make changes.  I'm just waiting for some kind of divine intervention (hahahaha) to direct me upon the path I need to take.  I pray for courage, knowledge and direction to make a course correction in my life. 

And I will leave you with a picture of Paula and I running on Sunday.  Maybe it was the lucky green underwear she was wearing that got us through this race in fine form!!!  She's smiling I look utterly focused and intense!!!!  (Green underwear I tell ya!!).  This was at about mile 4.5 in the run.  And yes, my legs do look fantastic if I do say so myself!!!

Leesburg 10K

This was my big weekend. Why yes, it was the weekend that I had my 10k.  My longest run to date and the longest (by double) race I've ever run in.  I had been absolutely religious about my training.  Until a week ago that is.  And then I fell off the rails.  I only ran once in the last week and a half.  It was a four miler, but only once.  Uhhhhhh....why does this seem to happen to me each time.

I was nervous about certain things.  I am always afraid that I'm going to be last across the finish line.  Huge fear of mine. (stupid I'm sure)   But regardless I packed for my short trip with my friend Paula and we headed out yesterday at about noon.   We made the trip to Leesburg, VA in fine time.  The first stop was the store where they were holding packet pick up.  We picked up our bags and perused the store.  Stop one complete we headed to the outlets in Leesburg.  A few hours of shopping later. (I bought new lids for some of my damaged and old Pyrex storage containers.....and otherwise I was a window shopper).  We did find a perfect bag.....we didn't buy just posed for a picture with it.

 We hit up a local park for a nice little walk.  We lounged a bit in our hotel and we had dinner.  Let e add that I had breakfast and a diet coke with breakfast and we had dinner really late at about 8:30 and I had a diet soda with dinner.  Dinner I was so hungry that when I started to eat I gobbled my food and my stomach started to hurt so I only ate half my meal.  That was ALL I ate and drank the whole day on Saturday.  Yes, I know....not exactly the healthiest and wisest food and drinking choices.

Sunday morning we were up bright and early.  It was COLD outside.  Brrrr.   We got ready to roll.   I typically run on an empty stomach (ha ha ha...once again probably not the wisest but hey, it's what has worked for me).   So we headed out. 

The run was VERY small.  Only about 50 people or so.   I decided to not worry about being the last person.  Who else can say that they once weighed over 300 pounds and are now running a 10K???   And doing it on arthritic knees and a few other feet issues???  

 We started to run and I kept my pace steady.   I have been consistently running a 13:00 to a 13:40 mile pace. I knew if I stayed at that (slow) that I could finish it no problem.   I ran where I felt comfortable...or rather edgy comfortable.  It went well.  It was an out and back route, so at the turn around I grabbed a water and walked for maybe a minute and then picked back up running.  (my stats showed that I lost about a minute on that mile from what I was running so that's why I assume I walked about a minute.)  I was fine...getting tired but fine.  (And admittedly I saw I wasn't last....and I even passed a few people on the return trip! My fear of being last vanished and by that time I had decided I DIDN'T CARE Anyway!)   And then about midway through mile six I began to struggle.  Oh yes, I struggled.  I started to get physically ill.  My stomach and head started to hurt.  My legs felt like they were so heavy that I couldn't even pull them up to walk.  It was BAD.  At about mile 5.70 I waved Paula on (so as to not ruin her run) and I began to walk.   

And then a lady, a skirt wearing lady came up beside me...literally less then 10 paces after I started walking and she looked at me and said "You've got this, the finish line is just ahead."    She ran on and before she was even 3 feet in front of me I knew that she was right.  I felt like dog doo but I knew that I could do it.   I started running.  I stayed on her tail the rest of the way in.  

I can't find the official times posted yet..it was not a chipped run (go figure....it was a small small run...maybe 50 people doing the 10k...if that).  Luckily since Paula had gone on ahead she was able to grab a pic. Yes, that is me in the glaring sun but I have my time!  Slow but you know what?  Who the heck cares!

So I got across the finish line and I had something important to do.  I had to talk to the skirted lady.  I needed to tell her what her words meant to me.  I found her easily (remember she was only a bit ahead of me....although she pulled further ahead in the last 100 feet or so).  I told her that her words are what pushed me to run. I told her that I had decided to just walk the rest of it and call it a good deal, but her words gave me the courage and spunk to run the rest of the way.   Her face glowed when I told her and then she turned to me and said "Thanks is due to you too though"   I looked at her and she giggled a bit and said "I was on your tail the whole run and I decided that I was not going to let you pull ahead of me.  You didn't walk so I had to run the whole time also!  Thank you for unofficially pacing me."   :-)

I grabbed a water and headed over to Paula.  That water tasted so dang good.  And then I remembered to turn off the mapmy app.  Oops  I got it turned off.   My last 3/10ths of a mile look slow....partly because I didn't get that turned off immediately and partly because I was STRUGGLING!

Wow.....so my pace was much better than my average for most of the run.  My turn around mile was slower and  mile 6 were I hit that wall was slower...but still 'average' pace.  Go figure.

 I took another drink.  Holy cow that water tasted good and I drained that water bottle in a few seconds.  And that is when I knew it.  What did I know?  I had to sit down or I was in danger of falling down.  Yes, I KNEW that that horrible feeling of being sick that I had encountered back at mile 5.7 had reached its pinnacle. Oh yes....I was ready to drop.  I sat down for a few moments and answered some well wish texts and knew I was ok.   I stood up, grabbed another water bottle and Paula and I headed back to the car.  Yes, we stopped along the way for another picture.  Come on now...it's us!

10K done!!!!!  I've got my starting base line numbers and now I can improve upon that!

So upon further reflection.  I realize that I had totally dehydrated myself on Saturday and since I hadn't drank anything in the morning before running it was carrying over to Sunday.  I was suffering from total dehydration.  Ooops.   

Absentism

Why yes, I know I've been MIA.   It's a multitude of reasons.  I can wax poetic about how I photographed a wedding last weekend and then spent the multitude of hours editing them.   Yes, I could say that and it would be absolutely true. 

However, using that as an excuse would be a total stretch of the truth.  The reason I've been absent is the fact that I've just been struggling.   I am torn many times about saying too much on in my posts because I don't like to air my dirty laundry.  The flip side is that I have always operated my blog with total honesty.  So I'll just say it.....I'm struggling.  Big time.

How can I sum it up????    I just think that there has to be more to life than this.  I have moments of joy, peace and happiness.  But the rest of life is just hard.  So many aspects of my life is just wrong that I feel as if I am drowning.  I've written my blog posts about my plans.  And I still am working in that direction (ok, I've been bad and I haven't been utterly disciplined with my writing as I should be.) I just live for the good moments and try to push through the rest of the time.

I saw this sign last night and LOVED it!

My running.....Last week I only ran once!  It was a 4 miler and I should have done TWO of them last week but life happened and the run didn't.  I had a 6 miler on the schedule for this weekend.  That didn't happen either.   Shoes that I LOVE and that I've worn a gazillion times before (ok, maybe not a gazillion) have all of a sudden started to give me blisters.  Friday night my feet were BURNING.  I'm in that stage where the blisters WANT to happen but they are on the cusp.  SO my feet HURT.  I chose to save myself from blisters and not run (any shoes HURT) to heal so that my feet are in good shape for next week.  Yes my 10K is next Sunday.   I am going to try to do the scheduled 2-3 milers this week!  All depends on he blister-age.


Even with the foot problems I did get in a walk with my friend on the battlefield. :-)  Always good o walk and talk.  Wish I would have had a good camera.....it was PERFECT for photographs!!! Oh well, I grabbed one with my cellphone as we walked.  (nope, I didn't break stride)

Makes no sense

Running really makes no sense.   Sunday I ran.    I ran 5.9 miles.   I felt pretty good.   Yeah toward the end I had a slight pain in my heel (planters fasciitis) and my knee bothered me a bit.   I got home and I rolled my foot on a frozen bottle of a water.  

I then somehow ended up in the hot tub reading.    When I got out Todd and I spent the afternoon out roaming.  My legs felt FINE!

Fast forward to my run Tuesday morning.    It was slower by about 10-20 seconds per mile.   I can let that slide as I did tackle a road that I usually ignore because it's quite a bit more hilly.  But my legs felt heavier than all get out the rest of the day.   What's up with that????   I only did 4.3 miles!  

I was still smiling at the end though.

Bad runs....good runs....they all equal out.  I'm just hoping and praying for a fantastic run on October 5th!!!!

I'm doing GREAT with my training schedule.   I have had to make one or two minor adjustments due to rain or schedule conflicts but I'm doing it!!!

Eating.   I'm still not to tracking and I have broken my 'rules'. So this past week I don't think the weight has been dropping.  (I have been horrid with weighing daily too!)

Last night I skipped Zumba and went home instead.   I immediately fell asleep on the couch and other than a few moments of being a wake here and there I slept all evening and then slept the night through.   Not sure what is up with that...but hopefully my body recovers from whatever.  I'm still feeling sluggish today....I'm vowing to do Zumba tonight though.....

Redo, change, adapt

(yes read through the whole thing, I will talk about weight loss and this journey I'm on to be healthy!!!)

It's no secret that I'm not happy with where life has led me.  No secret at all.  It's also no secret that I would like things to change, but in many ways feel powerless to make he change.  (Means to change, knowledge to know how to make the change and yes, guts to do it).   But that's neither hide nor hare but it does explain why I had this thought in my head , because it's in my mind...a LOT.

What would you do differently were you given a chance to redo your life?

I of course have a handful of answers.  It's easy to roll out the answers, choosing to change the aspects of life that didn't work out as planned.  OF course I would change my college education, probably to journalism and then of course the subsequent career path because we all know how that turned out.  (Poorly!!!!)   But it's easy to say that I would do things differently with the glasses of hindsight firmly affixed to my eyes.  I know how that turned out and of course I'd change it.

But then I started to think totally open and honest about it and I know that I had thought about Journalism before I hit college.  (It's in my journals...and they don't lie!).   Yet I still picked Elementary Education because that was my dream and we SHOULD follow our dreams.  So how WOULD I do my life over if given the chance.

In terms of education I would NOT pigeon hole myself into an education and career path that is so narrow.  I have a degree in elementary education.  Not exactly a degree that offers tons of choices in terms of a career should one choose to not teach.  (Especially in this job market.)  In a redo I would still pursue the education degree but I would opt for a dual major.   Open up my options.  Give myself some room for opportunity.  Yes, probably journalism. (although I did end up with a LOT of history classes...probably enough for a minor had the school I went to offered it...ha ha ha).   The career would follow... based on variables at the time...but my options would have been more open for sure.

Ha...notice I would still choose fields of education that would offer me a passion....and not lots of money.   Money is nice, but it's not everything.  I would far choose happiness over money.  That said, I would take greater steps to insure that my savings was intact and my home what I wanted.However, I am blessed with a roof over my head.   Our place is mortgage free, so I can't complain too much.

I would make some interpersonal relationships that I have.   I would hold the people that I ask into my life to be the kind of friend and person that I try to be . I would stand up for myself more and not wait until I've been used to the point that I'm so thoroughly disgusted and hurt before I turn away.  (And yes, I reached that point today with a friend just today.   I've made plans to go to dinner with this friend..I arrive at the restaurant and she's already eaten..I agree to do her a favor and she shows up 2.5 hours late leaving me sitting in a parking lot for that time.....and today, just another broken promise.....i'm done).  I would......well enough on interpersonal....that's a biggie and well...this is not the forum.

But would I redo everything?  NO, I would adjust and adapt what I did...because at the time I thought I was making the best possible decisions for me.    The really there is only ONE thing that I would change and redo TOTALLY...........

But the big change?????  The HUGE change???? The biggest thing that I wish I had done differently.  I wish I would have lost weight so much younger.  Instead of thinking about it and vowing to do it....vowing to start right after I finish my HO HO (do they still make Ho Ho's?)  And yes I've still got a ways to go, but I know that i'm on he right track.   Furthermore, I would say that I would have wanted to change that couch potato girl into an exercise girl so much sooner.  You see, I realized it yesterday morning during my run and it was reinforced tonight at Zumba.   Exercise is emotionally liberating.   I may have cried on my run yesterday as I thought about something that's happening in my life.  I may have been quiet tonight at Zumba while I thought about this blog post.  But I sweated it out of my system both times......I cleaned out the old and opened my lungs and breathed in the fresh healing air.  (oh hell, that was so utterly corny, but I'm leaving it there!!!!)    But yes, exercise is liberating.   Exercise is also amazing.  I have to say I'm finding that it is absolutely amazing to watch my body and see what it is really capable of.  (really?  did I really run 5.9 miles yesterday??  And I still went shopping and walking with Todd in the afternoon?   And I'm walking and zumba'ing today?   After running?  ME??????  And I'm planning on running in the AM?  HA...no, not Maryfran!!!!!!! Amazing!!!  Maybe it's not out there for me to say I may someday run a half marathon or a full marathon.......because you know what....if I want to do it, by golly I think my body is capable of it!)

A redo isn't possible........but an adaption to my life is.  I'm starting.  I'm starting with the friend that has taken advantage of me one too may times. I'm worth more than her treatment.   I'm starting.  (the weight started when I put down the Ho Ho's).   I may not have the answers.....the means.....the guts to make some changes.  But I"m going to do what I can. Even if it means I have to pass up the Ho Ho's.....dang now I really want a HO HO! (I can't even begin to tell you how long it's been since I had a Ho HO!....I have no clue why I chose Ho Ho's as my focus 'bad food' for today's post....it very well could have been a Twinkie, or a Little Debbie cake or a maybe a  milkshake, ooooohhhh or an Oreo!!!!...ha ha ha)

Settled the Nerves

I didn't manage to run on Saturday.  It was raining pretty  hard when I left work.  I weng grocery shopping and decided that that running would wait until Sunday.  In fairness, the rain cleared and I could have run later in the afternoon but oh well.  Sunday it was.

I was out on the canal at 8AM on Sunday.  Brrrr, it was chilly!  I LOVED IT!  Perfect weather for running!   I started out and just started to run.   I didn't look at my time, I didn't look at my mileage, I just ran.  (The canal has mile markers so all I had to do was count the mile markers and I knew I would be pretty close to my mileage.)    

I was running in the peaceful morning when a guy on a bike crept up behind me.  He called out that he was 'coming up on your left'.  I jumped about a mile, and he laughed that he was afraid I was going to jump right into the river.  I trucked on.   I felt pretty good.  Before I knew it I had reached the mile marker that I knew to be my turn around point. (I knew I would be over my 5 mile run, but I was actually ok with that.)   I had run every step of the 2.88 miles.  I did walk for a bit at the turn around. I saw a jogger coming up and I didn't want to jog right in front of her....and then I wasted a few moments because I didn't want to jog right on her tail end.   So I waited and then followed her dust.  She was actually only remotely faster than me so I kept her in my sights for about a mile or so on the way back.  I ran the whole way back and I felt pretty good.  I knew that if I ran back to where I started I would be over 5.5 miles.  I knew in fact that I would be pushing 6 miles.  I figured it would be a 2/10th of a mile deficit and I briefly thought about running the extra segment to finish it up.  

However, right at the 5 mile mark I started to feel it in my heel.  Darn Plantars Fasciitis.  (my knees bothered me a bit too at the end)    I made it to the bitter end  and decided to not push the foot.   It was SO stinkin' close too!!!!!!

How amusing to see that I actually got faster....my last first and fourth miles were about the same. I turned at about 2.88 so that's why the third mile was slow...because I wasted that minute or two walking.    But how amusing to me that the last 1.9 miles were faster than anything else.  Go me!  (and that is when I was starting to feel it in my knees and heel!)

I came home and rolled my foot on a frozen bottle of ice......then I got in the hot tub to relax a bit.  By then it was lunch time.  We toyed with going for Mexican, but ended up at a diner because I enjoy a salad that they have.  I really felt the need for something nutritional.  As much as I love the Mexican, I just was craving a salad.                                                                                                                                   The weird thing.  Last week I ran 4.12 miles and my legs felt it all that day and into the next day.  They were just tired and achy.  Today I feel fine!   It was so hot so maybe the achy legs were just a kickback of the heat that just pummelled me.  Maybe it was the hot tub that eased the muscles in my legs today.   I don't know...but I'll take the no achy legs.                                                                                 I'm totally stoked though, because I KNOW now that I CAN complete a 10k.  Yes, I was a few tenths of a mile off of officially running a 10k, but I could have EASILY finished it if I wanted!  So now it's just a thing of keeping running, working on speed and just rolling with the 10k on the day it happens.

IN other news, we ran into Walmart. (don't hate me.....it's the only place I can find my favorite drink mix......Crystal light used to have a cherry pomegranite and I can't find the Crystal light brand...but Walmart carries their cheap version...and it tastes good!)  I call it my 'pink stuff'  and while I should be drinking only water, it adds variety and is better than me drinking Diet Soda.  :-)

But anyway, I digress......I ran into Walmart and low and behold I saw this back in the toy section. (Yes, I walked through the store.......stretching my legs some more....)   I'm a little disturbed by this!!!!!!     I was tempted to get it for my nephews.... but thought that my brother and sister in law may have killed me.  (ha ha ha...whatcha think Alan and Cindy???)

Same theme

Carrying on the fear theme....

Heading into the Weekend

My eating has been sporadic,but it does look as if I'm holding my weight steady with this new 'not tracking' dealio.  I've seen myself slip a bit through this week though, so I need to totally tighten up the eating.  :-)

I have been filled with self doubt about actually completing this 10k.   I felt so awesome on my run on Wednesday and totally fell apart my next run.  In fairness to that next run, it was on a treadmill (Which I hate) and the room was HOT!  I however am not giving up!  NO, not me.  I'm going to complete this or die trying.  (Ok, maybe death is not a good way to put it, but honestly at this point death or injury is about the only thing that will keep me from it.)  But I'm fearful about completing it.  I'm fearful about being so slow that (whatever my mind conjures up actually happens).    I'm not giving up.  I'm training.  I'm consistently training.  I'm going to do this!      I actually just booked a hotel from for my friend Paula and I the night before the run.  I've spent the money...I'm doing it!!!!

And here is the thing........facing fear in the face and overcoming that fear is awesome for two reasons.  Doing what you are afraid of opens new doors but even more importantly the sense of pride when I overcome is amazing!!!!!!   October 5th at around noon I'll be feeling that awesome "sense of pride!"

Up tomorrow.....a 5 mile run.  I'm hoping the rain holds so that I can run it tomorrow versus push it off until Sunday.