This Girl and that girl

This girl feels horrible in her body.  Many times she doesn't do what she wants to do becuase she's afraid that people will laugh at the fat girl. 

That girl has a confidence that is evident

in the way that she walks, and stands and holds her head

This girl doesn't want to be in front of a camera.  The excess pounds squeeeze the happiness and joy from her life.  Everything seems a chore and she's always tired and halfway ill.

That girl poses for the camera.  She has no problem letting the world see the happiness and joy oozing from her pores. 

So what is the difference?  The pictures are all of the same person.  We could say time..."This" girl was younger and hadn't realized the important thigns in life and that "THAT" girl had?  But there is one thing that blows that theory out of the water....and that is the NOW girl. 

I'd like you to meet 'NOW' girl. 

I changed myself from "this girl"  and turned into the "That girl".  I was like a butterfly coming out of it's cacoon.  I felt wonderful.  I felt beautiful.  I felt ALIVE for the first time in years.   I swore that I would NEVER return to "THIS girl" , the overweight sad girl.  NEVER would it happen.  But I lost control.  I've regained (thank heavens not everything) but I have watched the life drain from me.  I'm once again ashamed.  I'm once again not holding my head high.  I'm once again not the happy bubbly confident person,....that person that I KNOW is still lurking inside me.   

I want "THAT" girl back. 

All was not lost

Thought I screwed up last night.  REALLY thought I screwed up.  I ate breakfast at home (waffles) so I used a fair amount of points.  I knew what was being served for dinner so I planned my lunch accordingly.  Which means I had lots of free points fruits and veggies.  However, I was trying something new in my lunch and i hated it...so I threw it away.  So that left me with JUST fruits and veggies.  No problem...all is good. I was actually satisfied after I ate.  The problem came when I was halfway through Zumba....my stomach started to complain.  I was hungry!  I made it through zumba and went home.  While dinner was being finished up, I had a string cheese and one slice of bread with a light skein of butter on it....THEN I ate dinner.  And about an hour after dinner i was still hungry so I had some baked chips.   ~~~~Slaps forehead!~~~~  So i was disappointed with my day. 

BUT this morning I went online to face the music and put in my 'additional' food and of course to take out my uneaten food from lunch (the stuff that went into the garbage).  I refused to look at my totals until it was all entered.   LOW AND BEHOLD...I WAS STILL UNDER BUDGET!  Yes, that deserved caps! 

Fast forward to today.  I packed food in my lunchbox that I KNOW that I'll like.  Because my breakfast today was a bit high.  So by the time breakfast, lunch and snacks are eaten....and I get home from Zumba, I will have only 9 points for dinner.  Not a problem, we have a delicious watermelon in the fridge...and the grapes are pretty darn tasty too.  And peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are my go-to dinner when I'm home alone (which I will be) so I'll be within budget...AS LONG AS I AM NOT SO HUNGRY THAT I JUST GOBBLE FOOD LIKE A STARVING PIG!

Didn't weigh myself today (I try not to weigh after my late night dinners) ...but yesterday morning I was showing down on the scales...so I was pretty happy.  I'm gonna do this!!!  No ifs ands or buts!

As I try this month on my own. todd and I worked up a 'plan' a little motivator.  Basically at the end of the month (we started yesterday...so july 19) we will weigh ourselves and we will be rewarded monitarily for each pound we lose.  (this is a big deal to us because we have 'stipends' ...like an allowance, that we each get weekly that we use for our own personal fun stuff...so extra money is good).  BUT the competition comes into play.  The person that loses the biggest percentage gets double the money.   So we are playing this one.......so encouraging...but also competative.  We'll see how it goes.  :-)

I know that before I ate breakfast I sat down and entered my food into the tracker for today to make sure that i wasn't going over.  :-)   So food tracked for today (breakfast, lunch AND dinner) and I plan on going to zumba tonight.  My legs are a bit sore (3 hours of weeding...so squating....yikes) but I'm going to go tonight!

This is the first monday I'm not exhausted.  However, I can't get too excited....I slept for over 11 hours straight last night. 

Friday Findings

My weight dropped a bit thus far this week. Not much...but some.  I'll take it.  :-)

Why am I finding it harder this time around?   I ask myself that all the time.  I want it just as bad.  Actually probably worse this time.  Why worse?   The same original reasons are there.....BUT now I also remember how GOOD it feels.  And I'm constantly reminded about how awful fat feels!  So one woudl think that the motivation would be so much higher.  But I guess not.

This morning I Stood in my closet grabbing my clothes for the day and I looked at the bins sitting stacked neatly in the corner.  One was see through and I could see about 30 sweaters.....sweaters that I can't fit into. (I had a lot of clothes given to me....clothes that fit me way back when I considered myself successful).  And I got excited thinking about wearing them again.  I have a FULL wardrobe of clothes to wear when I lose the weight.  I'm set.  I just need to get back there!

My silence can only mean one thing.   I haven't really been on track.  The good news?  I haven't really been OFF track.I just have been steady.  I can say that I'm maintaining within 2 pounds for the last month.  The problem?   I'm maintaining this higher weight...weight that i desperately want to lose!  

I have still been attending Zumba religiously.  So I'm getting some exercise. 

The problem?  My knees are KILLING me....the arthritis is in full swing.  I'm tired and exhausted ALL the time.  I wake up and feel exhausted.  (yeah, I actually fell out of bed today because my mind was not working well...and I miscalculated reaching for the cat)   I'm HOPING that it's a combination of making less than healthy choices in my food choices AND the excess weight I'm carrying.  I sure hope so!

So I was thinking about rejoining Weight Watchers.  The program DOES work.  I lost quite a bit of weight through meetings and through the accountability.  BUT, I'm a backsliddin' lifetimer...which means that I have to pay again.  Money is tight right now.  I'm actually doing the program on my own. (I've figured out...I think...enough of the new system that they are doing via the etools...which I actually still pay for).  And I'm goign to keep at it...SOLID.....on my own.  BUT if I don't have any success by mid july...then by August I will rejoin weight watchers MEETINGS.    Hopefully the thought of spending that extra money will keep me on the straight and narrow!

cravings

The craving for chinese food was intense.  I could taste it on my tongue for DAYS.  I wanted needed chinese food.  I could smell it. I could see it (behind my closed eyes).  All I could think about was chinese food.  I pressed and yesterday we went out for Chinese for lunch.  Todd had grand plans to work outside and for me to run the chipper all day....we have ahuge brush piles that have needed to be chipped.  And of course the chipped product makes a GREAT mulch for our flower beds!  SOOOOOOOOO  of course that would be his plan for me to run that cursed chipper.  SOOO I held out and said "fill my belly with Chinese food and I will work like a mad woman for you"  Manipulative?  YES!  But guess what....that Chinese food tasted so good on it's path to my belly!    :-)   And I did give a lot of good hours in the garden working!   And then, if that wasn't enough, I picked strawberries and made a crustless strawberry pie.   I didn't make it to zumba..  This morning I got up and played tennis for an hour and then worked outside for a bit...before coming in to work. 

So cravings.....do we give in to them?  or do we work around them.  I'm a firm believer that we give in to them....because otherwise we will be miserable....and probably eat evrything else under the sun in order to avoid it.  That said...I'm STILL wanting chinese food........maybe I better hold off on chinese again soo soon!  ROFL

How does fat feel?

Moving onward to Wednesday.  Yesterday's eating was right on track!  Zumba about kicked my butt.  Oh my word the toning....one song we held a squat for the WHOLE STINKIN' SONG! while we worked out our arms, which incidentally felt like they were going to drop from my body like a lead weight....I wasn't sure what hurt worse..the legs or the arms, it went back and forth...pure torture.   I'm surprised I'm able to type this morning, because I was sure that my arms dropped off my body and fell to the ground and twitched for a while after we were done.  Seriously.    Ok, I loved it....what helps me make it through?   Mental talk.

When I'm in the middle of a particularly rough workout I have one sentence that goes through my head. And that sentence,  ~~drum roll please~~   Nothing hurts worse than fat feels.   Ohh I sometimes change it a bit to be a bit more personalized to the moment..but the same concept.  Fat hurts sooo much.  Fat physically hurts, it make my knees ache, it causes me to have stomach problems it makes me sluggish and just miserable.  But fat also hurts emotionally.  I lack self confidence....I realized this on Sunday (more on that in the next paragraph).   That hurts.   The pain of a workout is TEMPORARY.  ohhh after the squat song was done and my body had a few minutes rest, I was fine.  After I picked up my arms off the floor and reattached them, I was peachy fine.  I knew I would be....so I kept saying "NOTHING HURTS WORSE THAN FAT FEELS.....this is only temporary, fat is forever"  I pushed through it.

Sunday I figured out I really lack self confidence because of my weight.  I had my camera at a concert.  I actually DID get some really awesome pictures (zoom lens is an awesome thing). But there were a few people that were up and moving around and taking pictures from all over the theater. (unobtrusively..but I noticed because...well....because I like photography).  I knew that I could have gotten my arse out of the seat and moved forward to take a pic or two.  But I didn't...and looking closely at my motivation, or lack there of I realize that it was because I feel fat and I feel like everyone is going to look at me and say "what's that fat chick up there doing".   I let my weight dictate something that I dearly love to do.  No more!

Fat feels horrible.

Fat is hurting me.  

Fat is no longer welcome here.

Fat, your days on my body are numbered, so live it up now......you WILL be gone.

Week 2

Bobbled a little bit over the weekend with my eating.  Not too horribly bad.  But a little bobble.  (we were in Lancaster County PA for a concert and a visit with friends).  It's all good.    On Sunday morning I was showing a loss of 1.2 for last week!  WOO HOO.  (this morning I weighed myself after I had breakfast and I was down another 4/10ths of a pound so I'm happy!)

Planning really is the key to my success though.  Yesterday I had my day planned out.  I was HUNGRY when I was heading home after zumba...but I was still on plan.  I got home and went to fix dinner.  My husband was like "lets eat on our own tonight, I've got leftovers and all sorts of stuff to eat that's gonna go bad if I dont' eat it"  That's ok, responsible even.  BUT, that left me planless.  While we talked I had some special K chips (they are actually pretty good).  THEN I had a grilled cheese, some sweet pickles, potato salad, tortilla chips with salsa.  And if that wasn't enough, I had a piece of Cheesecake (it was made with low fat/fat free cheeses and creams, does that count for anything) with some of my home canned raspberry syrup over it.   Yeah, can we say 'fall off plan"   My only consolation...I had eaten soooooo lightly the rest of the day that I somehow managed to not go over my points....yeah, I had eaten mostly fruits and veggies earlier in the day so I was actually ok. 

So I'm all planned out for tonight.  :-)   Another really light day of eating (the fridge is FULL of fresh fruits and veggies....so I'm eating them all up)...and dinner is planned out.  :-)

Makes me want to ponder what other areas I could 'PLAN" and then succeed at!!!

Faith and belief

FRIDAY!  WOOO HOOO

Faith and belief.  No, this is not a religious post.  But faith is HUGE HUGE HUGE in this weight loss journey.  We have to BELIEVE and have FAITH that we can and WILL do this. If our minds do not believe, if our expectations are so low that it's not a big thing TO fail.

A few years ago a school did an experiment. This is when the schools were still categorizing kids by their ability.  One teacher had the low kids and one teacher had the high level kids.  Predictably the high level kids scored so much better on the tests.  The low kids struggled.  So they did an experiment.  One year they told the teacher of the higher level kids that this year she was going to be teaching the lower level and vice versus for the other teacher.  In reality though the the 'low level' class was the brightest and smartest children.  The teacher that thought she was teaching the brightest students was in fact teaching the lowest level.    The test results at the end of the year surprised EVERYONE.

The teacher that was teaching the lowest level of students but THOUGHT she was teaching the smart kids had a class that outperformed the other class  . 

So what do you get out of this story.  The teachers TAUGHT to their beliefs.  The one teacher thought that she had the 'dumb' kids so she didn't put her all into it because her expectations and and beliefs and faith in the students abilities were either so low or non existent that she felt it was not worth the effort...I mean, why bother, it's a lost cause..  The teacher that thought she had the brilliant kids her faith and belief in their ability was so high that she threw herself into her teaching, knowing that she couldn't fail.

Isn't weight loss like that?  If we expect to fail are we really going to throw our all into it?  Are we really going to TRY?   However if we have faith in ourselves, if we  dare to believe.......well then the sky is the limit for our success!

***************
Day 4 passed by with great success!  :-) I didn't exercise yesterday....but I DID eat right. :-)


On to day 5!   Started out rather odd...I forgot half the ingredients in my smoothie (agave nectar is really important  LOL)  It doesn't taste good and yummy...so I'm not eating it.  Why eat something that doesn't taste good.  I will eat my lunch earlier because of that...but that's not a problem. :-)   And YES, I packed my lunch, even though my co-workers will be ordering lunch in!   I'm holding strong!

On success building upon another

Isn't it crazy how it works.  Starting something is sometimes the hardest part.  (or restarting after a failed attempt...or after a slight speed bump).  However each progressive SUCCESSFUL day after that start day really does get easier?  Why is that?  Because success builds upon itself. 

The first step to having this success build upon itself is to be totally committed to restarting.  Have a plan...and I'm a firm believer in having a DIFFERENT plan in place than the old standby that has failed you time and time again.  (the difference for me this time is planning my food the day before I eat it...print it out and stick with it).   From there just START.   But each day that is successful makes me stronger.  It makes me feel like, "I CAN do this!"

I was talking to a friend at zumba last night.  I had actually met her at a weight watcher meeting.  She also quit about the same time I stopped going to meetings and has subsequentially gained.  She just started this past week. She talked about swallowing her pride and going back.  Yes, that is it.  But I encouraged her to look FORWARD.  Don't focus on the fact that she is relosing.  She is LOSING weight.  The other thing we talked about was the I CAN attitude.  No questions about it.  We CAN lose the weight.  WE CAN conquer this.  It will be a life long journey but we CAN do it.  It's a mental place we have to be in.  It's the I CAN mental place!.    I know that I may never have a flat stomach.....I may always have saggy skin.  I may always have a little 'jelly roll' around my waist.  But you know what?   I'd rather have one little itty bitty jelly roll than a whole dozen of big fat jelly rolls!  

Yes, day three was a success.  2 hours of exercise...eating right on target!  All was good!  Day 4 starting out ok.  My food is planned and I should be ok!  :-)   No exercise today but that's ok!  I've already exercised 4 hours since Monday!  :-)

day three

Day one and two are in the books.  Day three is crusing along quite nicely.  I was a little worried when a co-worker brought cupcakes in...but I looked at my points (and what I had left for the day) and I pondered...and i had a small cupcake.  I actually did HAVE the points/food allowance in my food budge.  I am still actually under budget!  WOO HOO.   So I had a little cupcake and I'm done.   Today really is crusing along.  I made it to the gym this morning before work.   20 minutes on the eliptical.  40 minutes on the exercise bike (very important).  I will be attending zumba after work.  So 120 minutes of exercise today....and keeping my eating under control...that's a fabulous day.

How am I managing my food?   I am sitting at work and planning out my eating for the NEXT day.  I print up the page with my eating plan and I post it on the fridge door.  So this morning when I woke up to make breakfast I was able to look at the paper and know exactly what to make.  Exactly what I could eat....everything.  I also already knew exactly what to put into my lunchbox for my work lunch.  It's all there.  If it's on the page, I eat....if it's not...I don't!    So tomorrow is already planned and printed!   Will things change and skew my pages.  Yes, absolutely.  I fully expect that to happen.  But I can go with the flow....work it in.  Manage!  :-)

I'm trying to get back into riding shape.  After much careful consideration Todd and I registered for Pedal to Preserve.  We have 3 weeks. We haven't been on our bikes much....time, todd's oral surgery, my cold....etc etc etc has kept us away.  We are not even sure that this ride will happen for us...we'll see.

Restart

How many restarts can a person have before it's too many?   I sometimes sit here and wonder how many freakin' times I'm going to have to say "back on track", "restarted", "a new day".  I've said it over and over these last few years.  And over and over I fail.  Over and over I start again.  Over and over I write about it. 

So my answer to my question?  There is never too many times to restart!  Keep doing it until it happens. 

Yes, I restarted on Monday.  I kept my eating wtihin my weight watchers food budget.  (Ok, I went a few points over yesterday...but we do have weekly points...AND activity points).  Today I've got my day planned and I should be peachy ok.  Yesterday I did zumba for an hour...and planning another hour of it tonight.   So I'm working it.  1 successful day down.  A second successful day is in the works.  Two days doesn't win the war....but two days is a start.  And i know that each day I'll be stronger in my position.  Stronger as I make the healthy choices.  Stronger as  I make the positive exercise choices.  Stronger all together. 

I've been able to hold msyelf steady with my eating this week.  I'm not seeing any mad results on the scales. In fact the scales haven't budged since I guess Saturday or Sunday. But you know what. I've been active.  (very active....gardening galore and zumba!) and I've not binged on the unhealthy foods.  So I consider that a success...even if the scales are not being friendly at this time! 

Yes, I've spent a lot of time gardening.  I sometimes giggle.  Our garden has more square feet than our house!  haa haa haa.  We have a HUGE garden.  (my strawberry beds have over 100 plants...and we are seriously contemplating clearing the land and doubling that....I eat a LOT of strawberries....I LOVE strawberries!)   So you can see we plant a LOT of what we plant.  Let me rephrase that.  The foods that we eat a LOT of...we plant a LOT.  Green beans anyone?   I'll be canning bushels upon bushels of green beans.  I eat them almost every day.  :-)   Peas?   Well, we eat a lot of peas too.  Tomatoes...well you need a lot of those because I make my own tomato sauce...not to mention canned tomatoes for things like chili and such.  And yes, i try to preserve enough so that we don't have to buy these staples from the store.  Home preserved foods are SOOO much tastier.  Soooo yes, our garden is a big deal!  over the weekend I spent probably more than 15 hours out there with the tiller, the shovel, a rake, packets of seeds, flats of plants, compost, water hose and a big jug of water.  :-) (the water jug was for me!)   Love to see the garden take shape.  :-)    

But do you know what I'm just ACHING to eat.  What the focus of my taste buds have?   Zucchini!  I want some breaded and baked zucchini .  I can taste it!  I can smell it.  I'm just DYING for it!  Yes, I could probably go out and buy a zucchini at the store.  But woudl it be the same thing?  Would it taste the same? 

Probably not!  Plus, in a few months I'll be begging someone to take some zucchini off my hands (what possessed me to plant 12 zucchini plants I don't know......haa haa haa.  I do make my sweet pickle relish from zucchini, and I do zucchini bread and butter pickles which I think taste the same if not better than the ones I make with cucumbers....we will eat zucchini with every meal..HOPEFULLY!)

Grow zucchini grow!!!

Last weeks rough start

Well, as aforementioned, last week started out BADLY.  Donuts, pizza and ice cream...Oh my!    But somehow, someway, I pulled it out of the fire.  I showed a 1.5 pound loss for this week.  Go figure.  

I'm gearing back up to add the exercise back in.  Zumba restarts tonight.  And I just spent the weekend working outside...HARD manual labor. (i'm so stinkin' sore today).

AND i'm working the eating. I'm not slipping.  I packed a salad for lunch...and fruit.  :-)  I'm on track and I'm going to STAY THAT WAY!!!!

where did my self control go

This week has been horrible.  I have had grand plans everyday to be totally perfect with my eating.  But then something happens and it all goes to pot.  I guess my first problem is expecting and planning for perfection.  Life is NOT perfect.  Life this week came in the guise of donuts being brought to us by customers...not once...but TWICE.   Yeah, I indulged.  Life this week came in the guise of a mandatory training after work in which they provided us with pizza and cookies and only provided regular soda and nothing diet.  Yeah, I indulged. Life this week came with evenings at home alone where I just ate without conscience thought.    Life this week came with every morning my husband asking for breakfast foods such as pancakes, waffles, two breakfasts out.  I had grand plans but I just failed.  Life. 

So life today is starting out differently.  I woke up and was so tempted to not pack my lunch and join my co-workers on our weekly Friday order out food for lunch fun.  I didn't though. I packed my lunch.  A nice healthy lunch of summer salad  and fruit.    I got to the parking lot and was sitting waiting for my co-worker to come inside.  I was playing around on my cell phone and talking to a friend (also a customer where I work) and she heard taht I was woring early and she offered to go pick up donuts for us.  Ohhh I was so tempted. I could taste the warm (yeah, they would still be warm most likely) glaze on my tongue.  But I gathered my self control and regretfully declined the offer.  Yay me.

May begins and it's gonna be a strong one

What takes forever to get off comes back with a vengeance very quickly!   Yes, all the work that I did the first three weeks of April were undone the last week of April.  I'm disgusted with myself.  But lesson learned.  OK, I'm a slow learner so maybe not.  But I'm determined to hit May hard...the WHOLE month!   Working it for 3/4 of the month is not enough.  AT ALL.  

I can come up with the excuses.....Todd's surgery and his recovery (lots of ice cream consumed...and of course I'm a social eater)  But no excuses.....it was me.  I'm totally the one that is responsible for this state of affairs.  No ifs ands or buts...it's all me.

Yes, I have to accept responsibility.  Until I accept responsibility for my actions, there is no way that I can move forward.  I don't have to be HAPPY with my actions and the consequences...but I accept them.

So moving forward what is the plan?   Healthy eating, healthy eating, healthy eating.  Ohhh and tracking every bite.  I didn't start out as 'grandly' as I wanted to this morning.  Todd and I hit up the Waffle House...uhhh that's a lot of points for an egg sandwich and hash browns.   And while I may be a few points over today because of that...I'm doing my best to minimize the damage (lots of fruits and veggies for lunch and dinner...luckily I made my summer salad last night so I've got a nice healthy option).  If the weather holds maybe a quick run  OK jog/walk combo!   If not, I'm not going to stress it because I'm gearing up.

Ohhh and biggest of all?   May will be a month where I don't fall flat on my face for a week!

Thoughts on exercise

Ok, the scales were NOT kind to me this morning.  I only hope that it's water retention (yeah, without going into it....very possible that it could be some water retention....blech blech blech....time will tell).  I want to scream...but I'm not going to.  I'm going to focus this weekend on getting back into a workout routine.  I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks. Yeah......really! 

I have this weird phenominan that when I'm working out I eat better.  Does this happen to anyone else?  I think it's because when I'm working out I start to think about what Im eating more. I tend to believe it's because I dread the exercise so I don't want to 'undo' my good work.  haa haa haa.  Isn't that lame?

As for dreading exercise. I HATE and dread the buildup to exercising.  But I'll admit that once I start it's usually not that bad....but the after feel is wonderful. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the feeling that courses through my body after exercise. SO one one think that I would be gung ho to go out and exercise.  But each and every time I go to exercise I somewhat dread it.  Go figure.  You'd think I would figure this out and actually start to look forward to the exercise...but no...apparently I'm not that smart!

Wanna know what really blows????

Do you ever just have a day where you are devoid of all words?  Lacking anything to say? I'm having one of those.  I just sat here with my head flopped forward, my forehead pressed against my hands (holding my head up) and literally nothing came to mind.  I have nothing to say about weight loss.  Well, I do have SOMETHING to say about weight loss........ IT SUCKS.  It sucks to have to think about food all the time. It sucks to have a piece of brownie (yes, I only had one piece last night) for a treat at night and then worry about the affects that it will have.  To feel guilty for one brownie. (ohhhh it was a good one though.....gooey and chocolaty!).  It really blows to have to think about my food choices constantly.  To gather up my will power (or try to) with every bite I eat.  Honestly, it just sucks!  Everything about it sucks sucks sucks.

You know what sucks worse though?????   Being fat.  So as much as it sucks to fight and battle to lose weight....I will because fat is worse.

************

Random thoughts for the day that were floating through my mind during my head in hands no thoughts time earlier.....

*there is a weird odor in my house...not sure what it is.....I've looked and can't find anything....how do you trace a weird odor. It's not a foul odor...it's just weird. 

*bad storm last night....I've heard predictions that this year will be a bad year for storms

*I'm starting to look at some ideas and opportunities to make money...even if it's only a few bucks here and there......crafts, piano lessons (practicing to get myself up to snuff with my playing), possibly another idea that I'm not up for sharing quite yet.

*I've been focusing on a new venture with Echoes...researching and such ....that Todd and I are expanding into with the business.  Echotone Records.  A new record label.   OUR record label.  We have a possibility for a GREAT band to sign with us....and this band was actually number one on their charts last year.....so with them in negotiations with us to get signed with us...we are kicking into overdrive to get our record label up and running.

*Trying to fight the dull drums that threaten me.  I still really  miss Chris.....I can't believe it's been a month (actually a month and a week) since he passed away.   My problems still seem insurmountable and I sometimes wonder why I should even try.   I'm still really worried about a lot of things....and it threatens me daily...but I"m trying ...I'll keep fighting.

highs and lows

This journey has been one of incredible highs but some pretty low lows.  I've felt totally on top of the word. On top of life  In control and just good.  But then when things go downhill, it goes LOW.    The problem is...when the lows come it is so easy to feel defeated by everything.  It's so easy to let the lows influence how we feel and how we act and sadly enough that perpetuates itself into a vicious cycle of negative outcomes. 

It's a sheer act of willpower to break that cycle once it starts.  It's difficult because I want to sit there and scream my fury over having regained the weight (thank heavens not all of it...not even half of it).  I did it to myself, I know that, but it drives  me to a low.  And in that low I want to self medicate with food.  I want to throw my hands up in the air and say "I don't give a flying fig about this....I just want to live my life without having to consciously think about food."   But I know that doing that will only increase the low.  I HAVE to care...because caring brings about the highs that I so crave.

stranglehold, dread and other non-connected thoughts

Why does food have such a hold on me?   I start thinking about the next meal mere seconds after the latest meal is finished.  It's nuts.  I have off tomorrow afternoon and I've already talked to Todd about what/it/where/when we will go out to eat for lunch or dinner.  That's just sad.  Why does it have such a hold on me.  Food has a stranglehold on me.  It controls everything I do. I need to break that stranglehold.  How do break that hold is the question.  How do you break the patterns and thoughts that have defined who you are for so many years?   we live in a society that actually encourages that thought.  We are rewarded with food.  We are thanked with food.  We are consoled with food.  It's the way our society is.  So how can one break from this stranglehold????

I woke up with an incredible sense of dread this morning.  I have no clue what I'm expecting to happen or what is up.  Some people said "you are probably just dreading going to work because yesterday was so slow and boring"  but it's not that kinda dread.  That kinda dread is a annoying nuisance.  This is just all consuming ready to cry and waiting for the shoe to drop dread.  Not cool.   I'm just sufficiently worried because of this weird feeling.

Food yesterday.....OVER by about 8 points. It was the banana split flurry (blizzard...but not at dairy queen) that did it. I thought last week was bad because I was just kinda snacking all week.....this week may be worse because Todd is able to eat and WANTS to eat....and heck, I'm a social eater! I have my food entered into e-tools for today though. It's a bit high on carbs...but I'm within my points. (Todd wanted waffles for breakfast so I made homemade waffles....I am having a salad for lunch with grilled chicken on it....and dinner is spaghetti) notice the theme of foods for Todd has to be softer...nothing that is crunchy or has to be chewed a lot. LOL