I have value

Monday is done.  I stayed within my points....made it to zumba.....all was well.   This morning Todd requested waffles...so i made them.  The points are calculated and my lunch is very nutritious and healthy, so I still have a decent amount of points for the evening and for my dinner.  So I should be OK.

HOWEVER, today is fastnacht day!   SOOOO  of course in at least this area, that means DOUGHNUTS!  My manager brought a bag of fresh donuts in for us.  Just walking by the counter where the donuts sit the smell just wafts lazily through the air, tempting my taste buds, making me salivate!  AHHHHH  Not gonna do it!  

I've thought about setting goals for myself.  But you know what.  I focus on the goals and lose track of what I'm doing.....which is taking care of me.  Yes for the last few years I've joined weight loss challenges.  I've set goals for myself.  I'd done everything I can think of to challenge and motivate myself.  But each time I do horrible.  And that's because I'm not doing it for the right reasons.  The right reasons?    Because I'm worth the effort.  Plain and simple, I'm worth it.  Yes, I'm worth the effort to make me better.  I'm worthy of being a thin person again.  No matter what anyone has said or done to make me feel it, I do deserve to feel good about myself!!!!   I have value, even if I've not seen it for a long time.

Ephiphany!

Just had an epiphany!   I realized and remembered (it just came to me out of the blue) that when I first lost the weight that I really didn't have much success until AFTER I basically sat back and said "you know what?  I like myself the way I am"   I wanted to lose weight still, but my losing weight wasn't contingent upon my self worth.     And you know what?  I lost weight. 

Somewhere along the way though, I lost my focus anddrive.  I switched away from the original motivator that started this....and that was to lose weight for MYSELF and instead started to use other motivators.  I made comments to myself that "when I finish losing this weight, this problem will go away or be miraculously fixed...becuase the weight is causing it"   Life would be grand.  However, life wasn't grand.....the problems and difficulties didn't go away.  They were still right there...and since those problems had become the motivator, I gave up....and gained some of the weight back.

So here I sit.....pounds heavier again. I swore I would NEVER again weigh over 200 pounds...yet here I sit.  I am filled with self hatred and self disgust over where I'm at.  I struggle with accepting myself at this weight.  I remember how good 180 felt!   And I have refused to accept me for exactly what I am......ME.  Is it going to be easy to aceppt this current weighted me?  NO!!!!!!  Do I feel at all lovable?  Worthy?   No!!!!!  Not all all.  Circumstances have beat some of that out of me.  But I'm going to have to work on saying to myself "Maryfran, no matter what you weigh......you are an ok person....and I accepted you at 180 pounds, I accept you now  at 200 plus pounds.  I accepted you at 250 pounds....and 275 pounds.  And you know what....I accepted myself at 315 pounds, my highest ever.  No matter what I weigh, I'm the same person inside and losing the weight only makes that same person stronger!"  

Now, I"m not saying that I accept this weight....meaning I'm going to throw out my 'thin' clothes (the ones I hope to wear again) and go out and actually finish buying a wardrobe for my current size (I've bought the bare minimum...lol).  No, I still want to lose.  But I refuse to downtalk and beat myself up anymore.  I'm who I am.  I have an addiction......I did it to myself.  But you know what....that's what makes MaryFran intrinsically me!!!!!

Well.......yesterday was rough.  I usually don't get knocked flat by a little work at the dentist....but yesterday knocked me as flat as they come.  I was just so sluggish and out of it the rest of the day.  My mouth was numbed at about 1PM...and at 10 I was STILL numb.  And joy of all joys....my jaw and mouth is STILL sore today.  

The only good thing....is for my eating.  I am going out with some friends tonight after work.  I was FULLY planning on knocking a few back. (not to the point of drunkeness of course) but having a few.  Well, I'm not supposed to have alcohol for 72 hours or something like that.  Well shucks!    So that is a good thing for my eating though.....empty calories and all that.

Life is a choice.  We chose what we do. We chose how we react to things.  And those choices bring us to where we are.  We can't go back and change the choices we made.  However, the choices I make TODAY will affect my future.  SOOOO that is my challenge....to really change how I react and what choices I make TODAY...knowing that my future depends on it!

I can eat healthy!  I can do this!!!!!

Tuesday

Didn't do too badly yesterday.  I ate a little 'heavy' for dinner, but I was withing my food budget for the day, so I'm happy with myself.  I've already put in todays foods into the tracker so that's a start also.  Gotta focus on making GOOD choices!!!!

I have a feeling my work day is going to DRAG by......

Gonna do it!

I've been working to dig myself out of the pits of depression.  It's not easy.  But I'm working on it!  It's baby steps.  Doing small little things for me.  Small things that make me feel alive.  Trying to fill up the emptiness that I feel inside me.   I think it's working.......at least I hope it is.

Sooooo, now that I'm feeling marginally better, I am goign to tackle this weight issue.  I packed my lunch for work.  Felt good to actually pack a HEALTHY lunch.   Strawberries, corn, grapes and a few fat free pringles.  I have put my food into the weight watchers online tracker already and I'm ready to rock this.  I know it will take time.  I know it will take perserverence.  But I'm going to do it!  :-)

Weight loss is the only thing that I've got complete control over...and I want to take that control back!  I'm tired of feeling horrible!!!!

Something for me!

tractor seat spring, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

It wasn't a long 'me' time. BUt I did get out with my camera a bit today. Still struggling with my eating. But I'm determined to get in shape!!!

Hump Day

Today, February 23, 2011 I am thankful for some clarity that has come into my life.  Clarity to realize that I've lost myself and while my steps may be small to 'reclaim' me, I'm thankful that I have at least some idea and plan in place to rediscover who I am.

Eating wise, I'm a disaster.  This has to change!!!  I can't continue on.  I look at pictures of myself at a thinner weight and I just cringe because I looked so good and now I feel so frumpy!  I need to fix this!  Where is my  motivation!

I will be attending Zumba tonight!  :-)

Plan

Saturday February 19, 2011
       Today I'm thankful for a long weekend that's coming up!  Yes, Monday is Presidents day and I don't have to go to work!

So what is my plan for rebuilding my life, for making me whole again?   It's not much of a plan.  But I do know that it's going to include me eating right and exercising.  :-)    But other than that I'm reviewing my hobbies and likes and I"m going to focus on things that I like.

1. Photography.  I've long said that I enjoy it and want to take it to another level.  I've struggled of late because I've discovered that being depressed does not lend one to find the beauty in life....and thus I don't see much that I want to take pictures of.  I'm going to try to work on that.  Hopefully as spring and summer approaches that will get just a tad bit easier.

2.  Piano.  I've played since I was five years old.  My mom has often over the years remarked (when I lived with them (that she could tell my stress levels, because I played more when I was stressed....it was my cathartic act).  My piano is at the studio so not at my fingertips.  But I do have a keyboard here at the house.  And I recently pulled it out and it's all set up ready for me to play.

3.  Crafts.  Cross stitch, hooked rugs, quilts, crochet, you name it...I used to do it and I don't anymore.  I need to pick things back up and dabble some more.  I used to always say I wanted to be a renassaince woman and know how to do a little of everything.  Well, I need to step back into that pathway.  

4.  Writing.  I love to write.  I enjoy seeing my words come alive and piece together a complex (or not) story.  I have no outlet for my writing, but once I get myself back in the habit of writing, maybe I can look for a creative outlet for my writing.

That still leaves me short with the friend thing.....but well hopefully that will come in time.

Finding myself

Somewhere along the way I've lost me.  I've lost the essence of who MaryFran really is.  I've pushed myself back into a deep dark hole.  I think part of it has come from a desperation to make things right in my world.  "If I just do this for so and so, the world will continue to spin on it's axis. "  or thinking that the more I did for those around me, the happier my relationships would be.  I ran myself into the ground trying to please.  I become so immersed into the issues and problems in my life and worrying about solutions and the causes that  I slowly pushed myself out of my life.   So now I stand here with my arms out and I look deeply at myself and all I can say is "where did I go?"  I'm gone.  The girl named Maryfran has disappeared into thin air.  I'm left as a shell of a woman.....empty inside.

The empty shell of a MaryFran is never going to win the battle of weight loss.  I know it with all my heart.  I can try and try and try as hard as I can.  But it's just not going to happen. I need to fill that shell again with the things that make me intrinsically me.  I've changed in the recent years, so the things that MAY have made me me way back when may not be the things that I need to pour into myself to fill me.   I need to find ME...the CURRENT me.  Once I find me and take away the emptiness in my life, I'll be able to concentrate and REALLY have success on the external features (the weight).  Does this mean i'm going to give up and eat anything I want?  Heck no!  Does this mean that i'm not going to exercise?   Absolutely not.  It just means that I recognize that my recovery from this weight loss is much more than simply relosing these few pounds......it's as important as fixing ME.  Finding ME again.  Making ME whole again on the inside AND out.

I started a while back my quest to find something good each day.  I'm going to reinstitute that plan.  I need to focus on the good in my life and not focus on the negative!  It was hard some days...and I know that I'm battling a crippling depression.  But I'm gonna perservere!   So....

Friday February 18, 2011 
Today I am thankful for the gorgeous weather that we are having. It's hard to imagine that I was outside in a short sleee shirt today.....while last year this week we had a TON of snow.....can we say two different 2 foot plus snow storms in one week.....which was preceeded by a 4-5 inch snow...which was preceeded by an ice storm.  Yes.......60 plus degrees is a wonderful thing!

Life Sucks

Life has been rough.

First lets talk about eating.  I had made a very concious decision to eat right.  To change and work on the only aspect of my life that I do have control of.  I started....and then as the stress mounted, food started to make me feel ill. I'm eating very minimally.....so that's actually not good. But at this time, eating alone is a chore.  Never thought I would say that.

The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  I've cryed at the drop of a hat. I've cried continally.  I want to cry now!   Part of the problems are personal in nature, so I won't share them.  But lets just say that I have come to the conclusion that some situations in my life have totally decimated my self confidence.  Words have damaged who I am.  Words have made me doubt the sincerity of so many things....when they pertain to me that is.   Above and beyond the self doubt and confidence issues...just life in general has gotten to me. 
My song....which I have listened to over and over.......is currently by Cher........it really speaks to me!  Check it out!!!

Sick and Tired

My weight held pretty much held steady over the last week.  I'm eating near no vegetables or fruit. That HAS to change!  So I'm going to track every bite again.  I keep starting, but keep forgetting.  I have to make it a habit once again!!!!

I'm tired of beign this weight.  I'm tired of feeling fat. I'm tired of not fitting into clothes. I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of the fact that for two months I worried about what my added weight did to my health.  I'm just sick and tired of it...and the only way to not be sick and tired?   LOSE THE WEIGHT!

CLEARED

Well, i was cleared by the cardiologist yesterday.  The pulmonary tests cleared me for lungs on Monday.  I'm super relieved about this.  But yet, it still makes me wonder what in the world has caused the chest pains.  Go figure...and STILL causing them.  The cardiologist was like "exercise if you want...start out slow though".   Slow?  MF do anything half ass?   3 hours later found me at Zumba......I did tone it down just a tad......haa haaa haa.  Was I out of breath and having a hard time to catch my breath? Yes....but the doctor seems to think that the exercise will help with that.  I got the impression that he thinks it is the initial diagnosis of pleurisy......and my inactivity is causing my fitness level to decrease rapidly (since all I do is sit on my butt because hey, I don't knwo what's wrong with me!).   So I'm going to give it the gung ho go. 

My weight was GRAND yesterday.....but UP today.  up by more than 3 pounds.  What's up with that??????   Couple things maybe.....late dinner, high sodium lunch, first workout in a while.....oh yeah, the ick is just around the corner...blech.

My weight has dropped some.  I would say that I dont' know how....beacuse I have been calculating my points, but I've not been eating the greatest.  The biggest thing that I've done?  Somehow I've been able to start discern that i'm not hungry.  And I've not eaten if I'm not hungy.  Dont' even start.  Admittedly, STOPPING is more difficult if i'm already eating dinner to stop when I feel full...but I'm trying to listen to those signs also. I'm not sure it's the best thing to do. I've not eaten breakfast some days.  Some days i've not eaten lunch.  One night I didn't eat dinner....I just wasn't interested.   I would be worried, but when i do go to eat, i'm not ravenous....I dont' gnaw off the kitchen cabinets to get to the food.  This is a huge thing for me because I'm a food addict.  I eat to just eat.  So I'm really rather wondering how long it will last.  But I'm gonna role with it while it lasts.  Play with it and maybe learn how to really hear my body...this is totally  new for me, I've never had this happen in all the years that I've been doing this.  Soooo maybe this is the next lesson learned in this journey!

report

Another Doctor's visit down.  The doctor came in and was like "what's happening today".  I answered, chest pains.  She looked at me and said "STILL?"  I was like, yeah......for two months....(and I threw in there yeah, this is my third visit for this).   She all of a sudden was like "this is not good".....she was then all of a sudden "We need to get you to referrals for a stress test and an echocardiagram'.  I asked to be referred to Robinwood heart (that's where my dad currently goes).   She then also said that she is going to set me up for a pulminary function test.  Checking my lungs...since I am short of breath on occaision. 

We talked a bit about my cholesterol.  Yes, it's high  "A bit high".  I asked her if I could work on getting the weight off because I proved it before when I lost the weight that my cholesterol drops with my weight loss.  She agreed and wanted to know how I planned on doing it.  She was ok with my plans.  LOL   She also said that she woudln't have wanted to add any meds until we know what's happening with my heart.

My week....started off not too nice. Actually it started out bad with a piece of gear at the studio breaking down and Todd spending all day Monday working on it. He's still working on it...so that's no fun. But he had clients last night and they knocked off a few hours early (due to snow and ice) so he was home by 10 and we went to the bedroom at 11. (Probably read until midnight). Why I tell you all this?


This morning Todd went out and scraped my car and he walked to the end of the driveway where his car was parked. (we park one car on the apron the first 10 feet off the road...when the weather is bad...easier to get the car out...so he came home last yesterday evening and parked on the apron). So anyway, he scraped and cleaned off my car and then went to do his. He cleaned off the door and opened it to hop in and turn on the car to warm it up and noticed something horribly wrong.....in the vein that there shouldn't be a big empty space where the car stereo that he put in used to be. There SHOULD be subwoofers and all kinds of car stereo parts. His thing of CD's should still be there.......50-100 cd's. Oh yeah., things were not right. SOOOO inside he went and we called the police just to make the report. They came and left and then we both headed off to work. Annoying thing...it happened in his car....we only have liablity on his car so it's not covered for this. It could be worse...the car could have been damaged or something....so it was just annoying. Ohhh the funniest part...his car stereo died a few months back. He's been moaning because it's only 2-3 years old...he put it in back in 2008 I guess it was......so they got a stereo that DIDN"T WORK! ROFL. Ok, the subwoofer and cd's and other stuff.....that's sad. :-( Now my butt won't vibrate when I drive his car! (the sub is/was behind the drivers seat...on the floor...partially under the seat)

So our week hasn't started off the best. Hopefully it starts getting better. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at work.....chest is hurting (hello stress...is this all stress related?......)....and I'm just wishin' I were at home. LOL I have my stuff to go to Zumba tonight. But now sure if I'm actually going to go. Chest pains...and they say that the roads are going to deteriorate again tonight (with more precip this evening). So just not sure. Excuses? Probably.

Todd and I HAVE decided to start looking for a new doctor. This is ridiculous. I'm just not happy at all with the doctor and her care. I feel as if she didn't even listen to me in December and in reality brushed me off.....because "your too young to be having chest pains". Yes, she said that to me. And yes...I am too young to be having chest pains....but that doesn't negate the fact that I am having them. Are they stress related? Honestly, I think probably. Do I know that for certain? NO. Did I have a grandfather that died when he was only 9 years older than I currently am? YES (and his father was only 50.......grandfather on the other side also died of heart disease..but he was 60...so it's in my family). But this scare has made us realize that we have to have a GOOD doctor....because we can't wait until we are sick to find a doctor. Meanwhile I go back on Thursday to my quack doctor. I'm going back to get the results of the gall bladder and blood work (i already know about the high cholesterol). But if she doesn't have anything concrete for me, I'm going to head to a heart specialist. Let me rule out the heart. My mom's doctor said do the heart specialist first...and then go to a pulmonary specialist...knock those two major things out of the field.

I didn't forget my vow to find 'happy' things and I did think and find something happy each day.  I meant to come online and write them down...but I...well, I forgot and never got around to it...and currently I can't remember what I was going to write.

Today I am thankful for my cat Ethel.  The last two months she has not wanted to leave my side.  She crawls up on my chest and lays on me.  Or curls up as close to my chest as possible. If that is not an option, she is content to lay in my lap.  She's with me all the time.  Showing me that she loves me.

Saturday Morning Bright and Early

Saturday has dawned bright and early for me.  I was so looking forward to waking up nice and late.  Sleeping in and greeting the morning after the sun was high in the sky was on the agenda.  However, 6AM and where was I?   Laying in bed, in the dark wide awake.  I gave up and picked up my cell phone and checked email and just in general laid there wishing that I could sleep!.   By 6:30 the old lady jody was hacking up her breakfast beside the bed on the floor.  (Poor kitty cat.....I feel bad for her, but she doesn't seem to be in pain....so we what do you do?)  Todd jumped up and cleaned it up but that was all she wrote.  He went right to the shower (his alarm would have gone off at 7AM anyway) so I just gave up and started some laundry.  So here I sit.   Not really hungry.  Part of me says that I NEED to have breakfast because if I don't I'll just start snacking at the farmers market (that is not good because I'll be with my mom....mom sells baked goods....yummy cupcakes, delicious cookies, scrumptious breads...shall I continue?)  But then the other side says why eat if you are not really hungry.   I'll decide closer to the time when I leave.  Mom is already at the market, but I really just don't feel like sitting there for a long time today (sorry mom) so I'll go in about 9 or 10.  :-)    Of course mom and I will go to lunch. 

Cholesterol......gotta keep that thought in my head today while I make my food choices.  Cholesterol is high...gotta get it down so I can avoid meds!   If I need to chant it  "cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol" I will.  Ok, i'll do it in my head, the waiter at a restaurant today may think i'm nuts otherwise.

I can do this.....I haven't done good yesterday......or the day before.  Thursday night I kinda lost control when it came time to grab a snack, I grabbed a 100 cal pack to just have a little something special.  I ate that...and then ate two more of them. That is NOT normal.   I can usually stop at 1.  I'd be too embarrassed to say that I ate three of those suckers.  But 3 I did eat.  "Cholesterol, cholesterol, cholesterol"

Chest pains.....please go away!

Ok, my thankful/good thing in life today:   Friends.  I don't have many friends.  Ok, back track that.  I don't have many friends locally.  (that adds to the depression because I feel like my life is a bit empty).    HOWEVER I had someone reach out via email.  Someone I didn't know....just really touched my heart (thanks Diane) and Donna...you to, your comment just brought tears to my eyes.  Everyone else that commented or have emailed.  Thank you.  I am very thankful for the people that ARE in my life.

Deppressive state

Struggling a little bit the last day or so.  And today will be rough as we are having a delayed christmas celebration at work. We delayed our party and our gift exchange because one of my co-workers was in the hospital and we wanted her with us.  So it's today...which means FOOD!    I WILL get this together and keep it together. I haven't been doign too bad...but the scales are notshowing my efforts...but they will!

I'm going to admit, right here and right now. I'm battling a depressive state.  I'm not sure if I would say that I'm categorically depressed.  But I know that it's threatening me.  It's crushing me. It's pushing against me.  And I'll also admit....that it's winning.  Life is just overwhelming me right now. I have some issues going on that just make me want to give up.  To throw up my hands in defeat....even though my heart doesn't want to quit.  I've got these chest pains...coming up on 2 straight solid months.  I laid in bed the other night and just cried because I don't like it.  They are NOT debilitating in their pain. They are just aching.  A nuisance.  But yeah, they hurt. 

 A friend yesterday in an email started a "I'm thankful' thing.  I was saying how life just looks bleak.  She wrote back and said "I'm thankful for my little fluffy dog that is sleeping in my arms right now."  I sat here and tears came to my eyes.  I couldn't find anything that I was thankful for.  I thought.  I pondered.  I REALLY was scrambling to find something.  ANYTHING.  Finally I came up with probably one of the most lame...but ohh so very true things.  I'm thankful for parents that love me unconditionally.   She of course wrote back that I shouldn't forget my brother OR my friend in Indiana. (her).   But it made me start to think.  I need to find something new each day that I'm thankful for.  Today I'm thankful that we have no car payments AND no house payments. Our house/property and all three cars are ours free and clear!

But as i started to think about that. I realized that my photography has taken a hit.  Life is not pretty.  My depressive state makes me see the world as just ho hum.  Bland.  blah.  And thus, I have barely pulled out my camera in the last month or so.  I need to remedy that.  And this morning, even though I didn't have my camera, I saw beauty. I made myself see it and actually focus on it.  The clouds were dark on top.....but underneath the clouds....actually radiating from the bottom of the clouds was a symphony of pink colors...all tucked neatly under the cloud.  Just pure beauty. 

You see.......fake it till you make it.  I will force myself to see the good to see the beauty.  And eventually it will be natural again for me. And as beauty and happiness return....maybe my weight problems will become less of a struggle.  Yeah, I'll still have some of the other issues...but if I'm not so depressed..........

Mid week

I'm plodding along.  I've exercised the last few days.  I've paid the price (chest pains for a few hours afterward) but I've done it. 

Had and ultrasound to check my gall bladder today.  Chest pains persist.  

I'm more than determined to lose the weight.   I had my bloodwork done last week.  The results came back and they called to put me on meds to bring my cholesterol down.  My cholesterol was 225.  HDL was 60 and my LDL was 150.    I'm upset that it's high again.  BUT, when I was previously this weight...it used to be 250-260 so it isn't as high as it's normally been. I also know that losing the weight will get it back in line.  When i was down at my lowest weight my cholesterol was just fine.  So I KNOW that I can get it down naturally.  I'll talk to the doctor next Thursday and basically say "give me 6 months" to see what I can do....and then we'll go from there.  Yeah, the cholesterol is the biggest negative factor toward my heart too......so that's not good at all.

Meanwhile...as of this morning my weight is down about 3 pounds from about a week ago.  (I was up on monday..but twas expected with the monthly ick)   So i'm happy.  I did eat a big breakfast today...and I'll be a few points over tonight.  But i think it will be fine.  :-)

Ok, the weight popped up yesterday.  Not gonna let it get to me.  It was just a crazy day.  

I am proud of myself today.  I had a waffle for breakfast......all was good.  But when they ordered lunch at work I so WANTED to order with them.  THEN they said they were ordering chinese.  I wanted it soo bad.  Ohhh I wanted it.  I could have eaten....but I wasn't hungry at all.  I would have eaten too...even though I wasn't hungry.  BUT, I declined.  EVERYONE here ordered out...except for me that is.  I ordered not.  I sat here and smelled that delicious smelling food.  I'll eat my packed lunch eventually.....fruit and veggies. But you know what...I'm not really hungry yet and I'm not going to eat my packed lunch just because I packed a lunch and just because it's lunchtime. (actually it's already almost 3PM) I'll eat WHEN MY BODY needs it.  At this point...maybe not until I get home for dinner.  It's all good.....i'm listening to my body today.

Hoping to do some kind of activity tonight....even if it is only a game on the xbox.  ANYTHING.  Gotta start small.  :-)

Doctors appointment today.  Back to square one.....the original diagnosis she thinks may have been faulty.  OK OK OK, she didn't say so in so many words....but hello.  So I had ANOTHER EKG done.  My blood pressure was sky high.....I'm having an ultrasound to check my gall bladder and I'll be taking prilosec to see if it helps in case it's acid reflux.  Ohh yes, I'm also having a whole battery of bloodwork done.  JOY JOY.  So basically we are ruling out one thing and then another.  Go figure.  I'm just frustrating.  I'm working on week 7 of this stuff.

The good news...she said since my EKG looked good (and the one at the ER supposedly also) she felt confident allowing me to go back to exercise.  SHe said start out small.  Do you think a zumba session would be small enough?    ROFL     I can tone that down if need be.  LOL

Eating today...not the greatest........grabbed food on the run sinec the doctor was an hour late seeing me...then the additional time of the EKG and then back in to see the doctor again to have her look at the test results.  Ohhh yeah, and the EKG machine wasn't working at first ....wouldn't print...so that took 30 minutes.  SO I had to grab food on the run.  NOT good.