Sidelined

Yes, I'm sidelined. I'm trying to watch what I eat...but exercise is...well a thing that is not really in my vocabulary right now.

For the last two weeks (two and a half actually) I've been experiencing chest pains.  A tightness in my chest.  At first I just assumed that I was getting a chest cold...but 2.5 weeks later I've finally accepted that something is seriously wrong.  (I've not had any coughing or congestion)

SOoooo on Sunday i went to the ER.  EKG was fine.   Chest x-rays were fine.  So they sent me home with an antibiotic and said "you have bronchitis".   I've been on the meds now for 3 days....not much relief yet.  It feels half way normal (just a tingle when I breathe) in the morning...but as soon as I start moving around it progressivly worsens until by the evening I'm sitting with my hand on my chest.  I've also started to accept the fact taht I'm exhausted.  I fell asleep last night between 8:30 and 9PM.  And other than stumbling to the bedroom at about 10:30...I slept through to 7AM...and would have slept longer if the alarm wouldn't have gone off for Todd.   Saturday evening we went into a bookstore at 8PM....A bookstore!  And I couldn't even walk through the store....I just wanted to sit down (and did).

Soooo I'm not sure what's up.

reevaluation

I'm reevaluting the scale issue.  They have me back at the exact same weight that I was all last week.  I was that weight last night before I went to bed.  I was that weight this morning....and again AFTER I went tot he bathroom (yeah, TMI).   This is just odd.  I've always weighed daily....and NEVER have I been at the same weight like that.  TO THE OUNCE.  This is just not right!

I haven't fallen away, although it feels like it.  I'm still battling those more negative feelings that I spoke about in my most recent post.  I really dont' know how to go about it so I'm at a loss.  But I'm plodding along.

The Monday before Thanksgiving I decided that there is one thing that I DO know how to do.  One problem that I DO know how to fix.  Or at least I know what steps to take that should (and in the past have shown to work) to fix this problem.  That problem...my ballooning weight.  So I stepped up to the plate and made a vow to myself that I would lose...or at the very least show a maintain over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I didn't say anything much on here or to anyone.  I've failed so miserably lately and I just didn't want to have to come out and say "I failed again"  I knew it would be rough.  Not only was there a holiday (a big food holiday) involved....but I would be spending 4.5 days at my parents house...where snack foods, baked goods and just pure food heaven existed.  I set about my task.I weighed in every day.  Monday to get a starting weight and every day thereafter to monitor.  I wont way that I dind't have snacks.  On wednesday, I had two cookies...but watched my food intake the rest of the day.  Not starving...just healthier choices.  On Thursday I weighed myself....I was down about 2.6 pounds already.  I made good choices with my food intake on thursday...although I did eat three meals.  Just smaller portions and healthier choices.  I had a piece of cherry pie mid afternoon.  Friday morning...I weighed myself.....EXACTLY THE SAME AS THURSDAY!  WOO HOO!  It sparked me and I watched my food intake carefully on Friday, trying to make healthy choices when the options just weren't there for me.....I had a piece of pumpkin pie this day.  Saturday  morning...weighed myself.....EXACTLY THE SAME!  Saturday....more managing.....no snacks.  :-)   Sunday....the exact same weight.  I was starting to ponder this.  Not even budging an ounce???   That is odd.  Monday...weighed again...same exact weight.  I checked the scales by waiting until after my shower with a towel wrapped around me. (knowing that the water and towel would make me heavier)....it did show me 1.5 pounds higher...so I knew my scales were working.  Tuesday....what did I weigh?  Well exactly the same of course!     I kept at it...still fearful that my scales were working.  This morning......I showed a 1.4 loss!  WOO HOOOO!!!!!!!

So the moral of the story.  I didn't just maintain over thanksgiving....I lost 2.6 pounds!  AND I'm well on my way (1.4 pounds) to a loss for this upcoming week! 

Death of a Dream

Uhhhh yeah, I"ve been absent for a while.     And if you've read my blog for any length of time, you know what an absence means.  It means NOT good things.

I've gained a bit in the last few weeks.  Why is this so hard?

I'm kinda right now focusing on ME.  Not so much the eating me.  But I'm forcing myself to face some facts.  I've actually been meaning to write about this on here.  I wrote it in my private journal (in full detail way back on november 10th...just checked the date in that journal) and just never had the gumption to come on here and write it.  But then something else happened....in relation and it's thrown me into a deeper tailspin.

Ok...going back to a week ago.  I was thinking about goals and desires and dreams.  I realized that I'm somewhat afraid to dream and have big goals. Why was this though?   I started to think about some of the dreams I've had in the past.  The first one...I ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher.  Another one...It was always a foregone conclusion that I would be a parent....I just always knew.  There was another big one in the list that I'm not going to bring up right now...but it's a BIG one.  Well, when I identified those huge dreams....I realized that they have ALL bombed out...and BIG TIME.  Teaching...well, I wrote about that a while back.  NOT good.  The baby thing....for personal reasons we haven't even tried.  And the third one.....another huge negative.  I attempted to strive toward my dreams and goals and they have been  busted in a huge way.    As my dreams died, I have been shattered, depressed and just, well....not good.  In my melancholy moods, I became afraid to even dare to dream again.  The pain of losing those dreams and having them plucked from you (and sometimes in very hurtful and demoralizing ways) rendered me incapable of a lot.  I'm just drifting through my life aimlessly. No goals....no plans.  Just existing from day to day.

I've been struggling with this of late.  I recognize that there is a serious problem with having a lack of these intrinsically important things.  How does one take the step to dream again?  How does one even come up with dreams again?

Yesterday, I got hit with the news of a friend who is pregnant......it brought back all the emotions of my childless state. Yes, tears have fallen for me....even while I'm happy for my friend.   I just want to eat away my problems.  Todd had his follow up appointment after all the tests (which were in relation to the cancer scare and his digestive problems)....all came back clean....I just want to eat to celebrate.  Eating is all I have.  Yet eating adds to my desperation because I want to be thin.  I want to feel good about myself again.

Yet, I know that to truely feel good about myself, being thin is NOT enough. (I've been there once before and it didn't work...I felt good...but it wasn't enough....clearly as I gained the weight back).  I need to fix me from the inside out.  Now the question is how to do it?

I am holding steady.  Literally, steady.  My weight was exactly the same today as it was yesterday as it was on Monday.  I'm ok with that. I've eaten late dinners the last two nights and I've had two high intensity workouts on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.  Historically I don't show a loss after a high intensity evening workout. (they say something about your muscles when they are worked hard retain fluid for a day or so).  So I'm not too worried.  I'm just plugging along with my eating.  Yes....it's Thursday and thus far I'm 100% on target with my eating and food intake. I'm also 50% of the way to reaching my goal of 4 exercises for this week.  :-)

The longer I go and stay on target, the easier it actually becomes.....it really does build momentum. 

Weekly weigh in

OH my word...I just feel so brain dead today!   It's a Monday and I'm feelin' it down to the tips of my toes!

I am however VERY tickled!   Last weeks goal was a repeat of the previous weeks attempt to eat on target for 6 of the 7 days.    Last night I looked at my day planner and realized that I reached 6 days...and I would most likely make it the 7 days (I did).  I admit to using a few weekly points (no more than 2 a day) 2 or 3 days of the week.  But that is still well within the plan!  So a total success.  I squeaked out the carry over goal of 3 days of exercise throughout the week.   Yeah, it was way too easy because zumba gives me two of them. 

Soooo goals for this week, another 7 great days of eating.  And I'm going to bump up the exercise....aiming for 4 times!

So how did I do?   I lost 6 pounds!

WINNER!

Special Thanks to my co-worker who picked the magic number (7) as the miracle winner of my give away.  (yeah yeah yeah...it's monday and way too much work to go to a random generator site do-hickey to get my winner....I still went random...just old school).   Sooo without further ado....I give to you our winner!  

http://thisnthatwithjc.blogspot.com/

Give Away!

I am still working at keeping my eating under control.  It is a struggle.  MY tendency is to let my self do what I want.  But I know that I need to manage what I'm eating.  I also know that if I do it properly, I will NOT feel denied and that I will lose weight. There is a happy medium there...and I'm striving for it.  Meanwhile, I just want to lose the weight and get back to the emotional and physical state that I was in when I originally lost the weight.  I'm not saying that losing the weight will be the magical pill that will make me happy. But I know that i was more at peace with myself when I was thinner.  I also know that my body operated much much more efficiently. I had more energy.  I had more spark.  I had more gumption.  As the weight crept back on, that all started to dissipate.

SOOOO, I had always heard SOOO many people talking about smoothies.   Everyone RAVED about smoothies.  I purchased a few while I was out and about, but never took the leap into making them.  Until this past spring.  I decided to get off my butt and learn how to make them.  I experimented and enjoyed greatly.  To me they are the perfect breakfast.  I make about 16 ounces.  it has a serving of milk and roughly two servings of fruit. I can grab it and go.  It's the perfect breakfast....one I eat a few times a week.

Free stuff?  Give away?  Keep reading!

About a week or two ago I was contacted by the blogspark and offered to do a review on the Yoplait Frozen Smoothies.  I jumped at the chance!  One day last week (Friday I believe) I got home and there was a nice sized box on the front porch waiting for me.  It was from MyBlogspark!!!!! I took it inside and tore it open! Inside I received two coupons to try the Yoplait Frozen Smoothies (provided by Yoplait) and a 3 speed Kitchen Aid blender (provided by the fine people at Kitchen Aid).  I was jumping up and down with joy as I love love love kitchen gadgets (and Kitchen aid products are a favorite of mine) and of course as a food addict, I love food.  Two wonderful fun things all rolled into one!  Something that would even  help me in my quest to eat a healthy diet (I strive for at least 5 fruits and veggies a day smoothies have fruit!).     FINALLY yesterday I was able to hit up a grocery store to pick up my Yoplait frozen Smoothies. I was tickled to see that they contained no High Fructose Corn Syrup which I try to limit in my house (due to digestive problems with my husband).  Any product that refrains from using this ingredient as one of their top ingredients has a leg up with me.   This morning I pulled them out of the freezer and got down to business.

I laid my yummy and fun things out on the table.  You can see a cat decided to check them out. Mertz approved of course.

Then I got down to the business of making my smoothie. I chose the triple berry for my first attempt as I am a berry fanatic. It was actually very easy to make.  All that was involved was literally opening the bag (needed scissors/knife for that process) and dumping the contents of the bag into the blender. (and adding a glass of milk which I'll get to later)

I looked in and could see the real pieces of frozen fruit mixed in with the chunks of frozen yogurt. I added the required 1 cup of milk and then  I hit the switch on my new blender and whirled those yummy looking pieces of fruit into a delicious looking smoothie.

I couldn't resist.  I reached in with a spoon and took a taste... Delicious!  Creamy!  Fruity!  Bliss! I pulled out a glass and filled up the glass.  (I made mine with the minimum milk...so I ended up using a spoon to eat it.  The instructions stated that I could add more milk if I desired a less 'stiff' consistency)  I was ready to sit back and enjoy!

It was so very tasty!  I could taste bits the strawberries, blueberries and raspberries on my palette as I consumed my smoothie.  Every once in a while I would get a little taste of the yogurt that hadn't completely blended smooth (OK, so I may have been in a hurry to taste it and rushed the blending process).  But I LOVED the little bits of yogurt!  VERY yummy!

My only fault with the product.  The bag serves two....two 8 ounce glasses of smoothie.  I...uhhhh I'm a food addict...I usually make a 16 ounce glass of smoothie. So one bag served ONE in my case.  Not a big deal as this is a total convenience food purchase....the work is done.  No cleaning of fruit.  No cutting up fruit (banana if you get the strawberry banana smoothie pack).  Just pour out the bag.  So well worth the price to pay for that convenience....even if I did use the whole bag on just me.  And the upside of doing that.  Well, the bag claims that one serving provides one serving of fruit....guess I just got two servings!

Taking the nutrition information off the back of the package...and for a prepared smoothie...it is as follows:
calories -110
fat- 1.5
fiber 2 g
protein 1 g

(OK if you want the rest of the nutrition facts....you can go to their website)

I would give this product a thumbs up.  I honestly will probably continue making my normal smoothies with fresh fruit (because I do have and take the time).  But I will be keeping a bag or two of the yoplait smoothies in my freezer for a quick fix (for when I may be out of fresh fruit). 

If you are interested in this product,  you can follow this link and get a wonderful coupon for this product and you too can try it out!

I am offering a give away for a prize package similar...provided by Yoplait and Kitchen Aid via Blogspark.  To get a chance to win, all you need to do is make a comment telling me what you love about smoothies.  If you've never tried a smoothie...just let me know and that will count also.  :-)  You have until Midnight on October 31 to make your comments!  Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy my make some smoothies and get some more servings of fruit into my diet!

I made it through yesterday's eating relatively unscathed.  I admit to using some weekly points (4.5 of them) but in the grand scheme of things I'm ok with that.  I plan on the rest of the week being spot on.  :-)  So I'm calling it a success, because for being on a vacation day....it could have been a WHOLE LOT WORSE. (and has been in the past)

I don't like to use many of my weekly points.  I've noticed that when I do...I tend to not lose.  So I want to try to stay away from them most days.  When I was losing steadily before, I would use some weekly points the day of my weigh in...and then no more until the next weigh in day.  So That would work because yesterday was my weigh in day. 

I finally broke down and bought a few clothes items.  (goodwill baby...all the way).  I was operating on two pairs of dress pants for work.  That doesn't take you far during a 5 or 6 (every other week) work week.  So I bought two pairs of pants and one skirt.  (10 bucks total....and one of the items still had the tags from the store on it).  I figured I need to feel better about myself in the clothes that i'm wearing.  I'm still bored with my tops....but I at least have some more options with those. (especially as winter rolls toward us...because I have lots of sweaters...I never got rid of my sweater when I lost the weigh...because sweaters can be bulky so I kept them!)  So one step toward bringing myself back.

I'm ready.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to be thin again!!!!!

The Challenge

Not a collosal failure last week.  I tracked every bite that went into my mouth.  EVERY bite.  The first four days I was EXCELLENT.   The last three days...well, I tried.  I tried to chose healthier options and make healthier wiser choices.  We ate out...A LOT.  I also had birthday cake to contend with.  Yes, I had two pieces (german chocolate cake is what he asked for).   We went to a hockey game....I had  a pretzel at the arena....NO, I had a HALF of pretzel.  The hockey game. (minor league) was in Hershey, PA.....so I had chocolate (is it possible to go to hershey and NOT have chocolate???)

SOOO my results.  For the week.....I ONLY went over my total points (daily AND 35 weekly included) by 2 points.  So that isn't TOO bad.  It could have (and in the past) would have been a lot worse. I'm not calling it a success though.   So I'm redoing this challenge!

On the flip side...if I wouldn't have been doing this challenge....I KNOW that I would have done a WHOLE lot more damage.....I didn't gain any weight this past week...and actually dropped a slight bit on the scale...so in that regard it was a success!

cheating

Day three in the books....two smiley stickers afixed to day planner.  One for an hour of zumba last night...and one of course for my superior eating skills that I displayed yesterday.   Onwards and upwards...working on day four.  (days 5, 6 and 7 will be difficult as I'll be off work on some vacation days with my husband as we celebrate his birthday...but I'm going to perservere!)

Cheating........yes I'm a closet eater.  I admit it.  When I'm home alone, I tend to lose control and eat.  Because if no one is there....well...you get the point.  I think part of my problems stem from the fact that when I'm on my own for dinner, I tend to 'nibble' or snack.  I don't have a set dinner.  So I'm not mentally feeling like I'm getting a real meal.   I do better when I have something like a grilled cheese and tomato soup.  Fat free turkey dogs...another.  I feel like I'm getting a meal.    Weird I know.  (and yes....sodium city...but that's not the issue for this blog).    So yes, I know that problem and I can do stuff  to combat it.   But actual cheating.....I don't believe in that word.  I don't taboo anything.  If i want pizza...I eat pizza...if I want something high caloric or high fat...I eat it.   Historically speaking, I would try to eat the high foods after a full day of manual labor in the yard....or after a super charged workout.  OR for my 'splurge' meal.  By doing so...I never really had foods that I considered a cheat.  I allowed it.  I just worked it into my eating schedule and budget.  So no cheating.  EVERYTHING is allowed.  Moderation.....and budgeting is the key.  Ohhh yeah, and actually REALLY knowing if it's something you want.    I don't waste that 'splurge' budget on something that I REALLy don't want. 

Rollin' on!

Two days down and marked as a total success as I work on my weekly goal.  Day three is lookin' really good also!   Breaking it down into a week at a time really does work.  A day is too short. (there is always tomorrow) and a month is too long.  A week is just perfect.  You can do anything for a week.   Thus far it's working for me! 

Zumba last night...zumba tonight.  Getting in the exercise also.  And yes, I would like to reach last weeks goal of 3 time of exercise also for this week.  That's not my goal...but I would like to match it.  Basically build upon last weeks with this weeks goal. 

I've talked about feeling like a failure before.   Numerous times. But it's so apropos right now.  I have felt like a failure in many arenas of my life in the last 10 years or so.  It sometimes feels as if I've failed at everything I've attempted.  I even failed at keeping the weight off.  It makes a little part of me not want to try.  To curl up in a corner, cry and just give up. I'm not going to...I'm not a quitter.  I'm going to win at weight loss...even if it is the only thing in my life that is not a colossal failure.

Attitudes

I did it.  Even with my breakfast of red velvet cake, I was able to watch my food intake the rest of the day and manage to chose my food wisely and to stay on track and within my points.  After dinner, I went to my computer and opened up my day planner and put in my sticker for eating on track for the day.  A little later I wanted something to eat. Notice I said wanted.  I didn't NEED anything....I just wanted.  But every time the thought popped into my head, I looked down at my open day planner and at that little green smiley face and I knew I didn't want to have to peel that darn sticker off of the page...so I resisted the temptation. 

I have already laid out my eating for today.....it's actually already been entered into Etools (yes, when they changed the time on my WW meeting...with no other option available for me to attend due to my work schedule...and I had to quit WW...I did keep Etools.....the app for the iPhone alone makes it way too handy!)  So my food is already lined up today...with 2.5 points to spare...as a cushion so to speak. So I'll be able to have a Popsicle or something tonight. WEEEEE

I've been thinking a lot about weight and how it alters not only our perceptions of ourselves but also how we live our lives.  When I was thinner, I felt good about myself.  And I dressed in such a way that showed that I felt good about myself.  I dressed in a nicer, less sloppy manner.  Not just in my clothes choices...because i can argue that the gained weight has affected my choice of clothes (I refuse to buy lots of clothes at this size) but everything.  When I had lost the weight and was at my lowest....I wore high heeled shoes....I looked for 'slick' or 'sexy' looking shoes.  And I wore them.  I took pride in myself.  I painted my nails more often.  I just cared more.  And looking back, as I started to gain....that pride started to slip.  I started wearing sloppier clothes (partly because I gained weight and that severely limited my clothes choices) I stopped wearing my cool shoes (OK, so cool shoes just don't look right with sloppy attire).  The nails were not painted.  I just slowly stopped caring.  And as I stopped caring....I felt worse and worse about myself.  They go hand in hand.  You feel fat and you don't want to take the time....which is depressing in itself.  But then because you don't want to take the time....because of lack of pride or whatever you wish to call it.....you stop caring....which only drives you further into that depression.  It really is a vicious cycle. 

What sparked that thought.  I was out this past weekend and for some unknown reason perused down the boot aisle and found a pair of really cool looking boots.  (Todd said that they looked 'slick').  I bought them.....which meant that yesterday I had to actually dress not so sloppy.  I wore black dress pants, a purple button down suede top and I topped that with a black dress jacket....and of course my black boots.  I actually wore my hair down...instead of the comfy braid that I normally wear (OK, not sure if I can give up the braid too often...lol).  But I felt different.  More confident.  My attitude about myself changed.  Yes, I was still disgusted about my weight....but my attitude was different about myself. 

I am not going to avow to dress that way everyday at this current time.  One, I am scraping the bottom of the barrel in clothes that I can comfortably wear.....and TWO...I only have a few pairs of slacks that I CAN wear to work under the dress code....and some are more casual.  But I am going to try to dress nicely at least once or twice a week.  And of course as I lose weight and can fit back into my whole wardrobe that I had picked up while at my lower weight (regular shopping, goodwill shopping AND my manager at work has a daughter that loves to shop....and frequently gives away clothes......TONS of clothes!) I'll be able to dress more nicely on a much more regular basis.    One step at a time.

A new week

I reached my goal last week....I exercised three times.  A total of 4.5 hours. (Tuesday Zumba for one hour......Wednesday zumba for 2 hours....and Sunday walk on the canal for one and a half hours.  So I can say that my goals for this past week were met!

One week at a time.....only focusing on one week.  The focus on this week will be keeping my eating on target ALL week.  (ok, my goal is actually for 6 days...but I'm secretly aiming for 7 days).  And that's all I'm worried about...eating right all week.  (ok, so there was an incident with a piece of red velvet cake this morning...but not to worry...the rest of the cake went into the garbage can immediately after I realized that I scarfed down a piece of cake for breakfast...but you know what...I'll just have to be a bit more careful the rest of the day.  The day is not shot!  I can still pull this one off).   One week.  I can do one week!

Ohhh should I say that the one week will encompass my husbands birthday?   It will encompass some time off of work in which we will be out and about.  Birthday cake???   I can do it!   I sit back and think about making it through that landmine and I get sad.  I feel like I'll be denying myself and it will be sad and just miserable.  But looking back....it isn't miserable.  When I'm in control...I'm actually happier with myself.  There is a sense of pride a sense of empowerment.   I want that.  And next monday...I'm going to have it!  I can do it!

I'm appalled once again at our society and what is acceptable.  Last night we went to pizza hut.  Todd and I ordered the dinner for two.  If you haven't been to pizza hut for a while let me tell you about the dinner for two.  It used to be a medium pizza, two salads and two drinks.  Pretty darn good deal.  Then they added breadsticks.....and just last night we found out that they also added a dessert to it.  For twenty bucks you get two drinks, a medium pizza, an order of breadsticks, two salads and an order of dessert sticks.  HELLO......can we say that's WAY TOO MUCH FOOD FOR TWO PEOPLE.  I'm ashamed to admit.....I ate a lot of food.  I ate to the point of being sick to my stomach.  And I've vowed taht the next time we go to pizza hut (we don't go often...maybe once or twice a year) we will NOT be getting the dinner for two.  We will get the pizza and maybe the salads and of course the drinks.  I don't care that we may end up paying the same amount or even more money to get less food.  I will NOT have that much food brought to the table for TWO PEOPLE!  Appalling!  (now on the flip side......it would have been perfect for 4 people!)  And we wonder why obesity is on the rise?????

Just Do it!

Just do it!   I'm at the point where I'm tired of saying I'm going to do it.  I"m tired of talking about doing it. I'm tired of being depressed because I'm NOT doing it.  It's time to JUST DO IT!  Stop sitting on my butt and whining.  Get up and DO IT.  It really is as simple as the slogan.....Just do it!  There is nothing stopping me.  There are no road blocks.  It really is just ME doing it! 

Workin' it.  I knew that yesterday would be difficult. Not making excuses because there is only one person to blame for me eating the food that I ate.  And that person is me.  It boils down the the fact that if I want to lose weight, I need to learn to say  no.   Even if it's just saying no to myself.  Just Say NO!  (I"m just full of slogans today)

My goal was to exercise three times this week (pretty easy goal).  I've gotten 2 in....so sometime between now and Sunday night, I need to get a third in. 

My goal for next week........Continue with the 3 exercises.  But i want to have a week where I am on target with my eating 6 days of the week.  I'm human.  I understand that.  I also understand that if I deny myself, that I will be miserable and end up binging.  So I'm going to stick with the 'one MEAL' splurge a week.  ONE ONE ONE!   That way I can have those comfort foods that I so super high in fat and calories. But I can still manage.

Why Yes!

I knew that today would be rough.  Todd has been on a liquid diet since Tuesday and then had to do the prep work for a colonoscopy.....so I knew that when the test was done today that he would want to go out to eat somewhere.  I planned accordingly and ate a lighter breakfast.  We finally were able to eat lunc at 3:30.  I was hungry...and ordered a nice meal.  When Todd asked if I wanted to order a bottomless basket of chips and salsa....what else did I answer other than "Why Yes!"   I think I may have even clapped my hands with glee.  We ate lunch and went home.  After being at home for a few hours Todd was like "Ice cream at Nutters?" (nutters is our local ice creamery)   But of course there is no guess work in how I answered. "Why yes!"  I cried out with childish delight as I ran to put on my shoes.  

I seemingly had no control.  I can say that thank heavens, I did have fat free yogurt as my choice at the ice cream shop.  I haven't figured out the damage from lunch...but I'll take my knock and move on!

Last night, I made it to the 5:30 zumba session for my make up from the previous week.  After that hour of activity, I stayed for the 6:45 sessions of zumba.  So I worked out for 2 hours.  YIPPEE.  Mind over matter.  Yes, my legs were feeling heavy toward the end of the 2 hours.  But I put my mind to it and completed it with the same vigorous movements that I had started my zumba stint with!

I can do this!

Self-hatred

I've pulled up blogger for the last few days.  And the empty screen sits and stares at me. I write nothing and at the end of the day I 'X" out of it...not a word written.

How do you say I've failed miserably.  How does one say that I have allowed myself to slide back further than I ever thought possible.  How does one say that this addiction that I struggle with has gripped me and made me forget everything that I have worked for. 

I have never totally stopped trying or caring.  But caring for 3 days or 4 days or even five days out of the week doesn't cut it.  Caring from the time i wake up until 6PM..only to follow up with an evening of food extragavanza doesn't cut it.  I have been the same weight for roughly the last 6 months or so.  I lose 4-5 pounds...then gain 4-5 pounds.  I'm on a teeter-totter.....and I HATE it.  I look at myself and feel hatred for allowing myself to regain 50 pounds.  Yes, 50 pounds.  I want to cry.  I want to wail.  I want to gnash my teeth.  I want to scream.  I'm in utter anguish.  Yet I try and try and try again and again....just to fail.  The lure of food.  My addiction in a nutshell. 

I know that it's possible to pull myself out of this.  To lose the weight again.  And I also know that it's possible to keep the weight off.  I need to dig deep within myself.  Focus on myself.  Do this for all the right reasons.   And this time, when I say I will never again be in the two hundreds...I will actually take care to make sure that never happens.  I will NOT have a repeat of this.  It is debilitating.....and I know that physical issues aside...I NEVER want to feel the emotional stress of this again!

So what is my plan?    I'm taking it one day at a time.  Focusing on eating right for ONE day.  Not looking at the big picture of how much I have to lose.  Focusing on doing the right thing simply for that one day.  Tomorrow is a new day...and I'll worry about eating right when that day comes.  I'm going to focus on my old system.....a sticker a day in my calender for each day on target....an extra sticker for each day of exercise.  And a sticker at the end of the week for my weekly challenge met.  I did this about 3-4 years ago and it was encouraging to see the rows of stickers indicating daily success.  It was also sobering and eye opening to see a few days go by with no stickers.  

This week is admittedly rough....todd is having all sorts of tests that require fasting....liquid diets...whatnot.  So whenever he has a window where he can eat....we go....and of course I eat with him!  Not good. 

I'm still doing Zumba twice a week.  I may actually go for broke tonight (I missed a session last week) and do a make up session before my normal session...so 2 hours of zumba.  I can do it!  I did 4 hours (or more) back in July....OUTSIDE under the sun and in the heat!  I need to do something else though...2 days of workouts is NOT enough each week.  I need to push it up a notch.  

My weekly goal for this week...exercise THREE times.  And no...as much as I want to cheat and count my double workout tonight as two times...NOPE...counting it as ONE.

Where I'm at

I'm not in a good place.  I am disgusted with myself.  I'm saddened by the fact that I did something that I swore I would never do (regain the weight).  I'm mad at my body for the signs and symptoms that the added weight have returned to me.  I'm angry at the addiction that seems to take over.   But in the same breath, I feel anger at myself for not being able to control my addiction.

I think what makes it worse is that I've felt the taste of thinness.  I've felt what it feels like to live without weight related aches and pains.  I've tasted the the sweetness and I want it back!!!!!

My eating has actually been within my points range both on Monday and Tuesday.  Admittedly, Monday while it had lots of fruits and veggies was a little heavy on carbs.  Tuesday, I got in an hour of tennis and an hour of zumba.....but I had a really late dinner (9PM).  But I was within my points allotment for the day. So taht's good.   I'm trying!  I hope that I can see some progress on the scales SOON!

Wow....it's been just about two weeks....lots to talk about

Wow, has it ever been a long time since I last wrote.  What a whirlwind.   On September 2, 2010 at 6PM, my vacation officially began.  I relaxed that evening, but the next morning started the mad pace of activity.  I had set a goal to at least maintain my weight on my vacation. I knew it was going to be difficult.  But I was hoping!   I just looked back...the monday before my vacation started I was at 229.0.  So that was my starting point.

Friday, the first day of vacation dawned bright.  Todd and I headed out early and hit up Lowes to buy supplies for our home improvement projects and then quickly headed back to the house to begin.  The projects?   Replace the front door (and when we replaced the front door....we actually cut away and reframed the doorway so that we could put in a standard sized door....more work, but better), replace the soft subfloor in the kitchen and entryway, put in new linoleum in the laundry room and lay the wood flooring in the entryway and kitchen.  So some pretty big projects. We worked ALL day on Friday.  So much so that I ended up getting a sub from the local shop (the only one in Sharpsburg) and then for dinner I went back to the same place and picked up more food (chicken tenders for me).  Saturday, we cancelled our plans to go to the Rennasaince festival in order to get the front door more secure and to finish the sub floor.  Breakfast...at home.  Lunch (sheetz sandwiches that I picked up while out running an errend).  Dinner Chinese food.  So the first few days of vacation were not to stellar on eating.  The only saving grace?   I was up and moving from literally sun up to sun down.

Sunday rolled around and we pulled out of the house bright and early and headed South.  Our first stop?  Staunton, VA....and to be more specific, The Frontier Culture Museum.  We were there for a few hours, walking and seeing everything that they had to offer.





We left the Frontier Culture Museum and went to eat at the restaurant "Country Cookin'  I ordered the 'sides  bar' and did pretty well with a salad and lots of veggies.  I did indulge in desserts there. (I had said I would indulge in desserts two times on my vacation, Country Cookin' was one of them).  We left the restaraunt and walked through the mall and then headed into the historic area of Staunton.  We walked all around Staunton for a few hours and then finally hit up the hotel.  We ate dinner (Mill Tavern Restaurant...where I had a vegetable pasta dish...but we split a cheese spinach dip appetizer) and then went back to the hotel where I worked out in the fitness center for 40 minutes and then went swimming for 40 minutes.  Drinks (2 for me) in the bar and we called it a night....exhausted from all the walking.

Monday dawned and we headed out.  Breakfast at a little dinner in Staunton (chocolate chip pancakes for me) and then off to Charlottesville, VA.  Our first stop was Monticello (Thomas Jefferson's home).   We were there from around 9Am until about 3:30. 



The plan was to leave Monticello and hit up the Mitchie Tavern for a late lunch and then tour the old tavern.  Sadly enough, we got to the tavern at exactly 3:30...they close the restaraunt at 3:30.   So we simply toured the tavern.


After the tour we decided that we were not dying of hunger so we decided to hit up Ash Lawn Highland (Monroes Home).

On the way home, we couldn't (ok...Todd couldn't) resist hitting up an winery....Jefferson Orchards.


We ended up eating at Chili's on the way home.  We split the chips and salsa as an appetizer and I got a BBQ chicken meal.

Tuesday.....right back at it with laying the flooring.  Lunch was at home....I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some pasta salad that I had made early in the morning.  Dinner....veggies and rice.  I did make it to Zumba that evening!

Wednesday was a day of errands in town.....I weighed myself in the morning and found that I was at 235 pounds.  YIKES. not good...I was so active with all that walking...I was shocked and worried.  Lunch....A veggie burrito at Southwestern Moe's.....dinner....can't remember.  We played an hour of tennis in the afternoon...and I went to zumba.

Thursday, I did groceries in the morning... and in the afternoon we unloaded the van, reorganized our sound equipment and reloaded the van.....lunch was at Quizno's (pesto turkey torpedo) and dinner was a sub from battleview.

Friday....off again.  We headed to Lancaster County, PA.  We did all the normal things like headed to Wilburs for a piece of chocolate (we ate in Lititz beside Wilburs ...i had a turkey croissant sandwich and a cup of soup), and Intercourse for the canning company and the kettle kitchen.  We took a buggy ride and then headed to The Green Dragon.  After the Green Dragon, we checked into our hotel and relaxed before heading out to dinner at Stoudts (a restaraunt/brewery)  I had a salad, stuffed chicken (all marinated in the octoberfest beer) mashed potatoes and steamed veggies.   We took a drive and ended up visiting a small towns festival where we stayed to hear a bit of live music before heading back to the hotel.


Saturday we were up and running. After breakfast at a local diner (chipped beef gravy and home fries) Our first stop was the Ephrata Cloisters.  We walked and toured that for a few hours...then headed to Bird-in-hand where we went to the farmers market there.   We had a little time to kill so we headed to Strasburg and enjoyed the steam engine a bit before heading to the American Music Theater to see the house band's current show.  We ate Dinner at Jakey's BBQ...where I had BBQ'd chicken, some chicken corn soup, macaroni salad and corn fritters.  I had said that I WOULD have a piece of shoofly pie as my second dessert...so I also had some pie.   We drove home and that day was over.







Sunday started at 5AM.  We were running sound for a fundraiser for the fallen heros organization.  It was a long day.  Unloading the van, setting up gear....running the sound...tearing down.  But for a good cause.  :-)

Monday...back to work......boooo   But I weighed myself yesterday morning  229.4.  So for two weeks...of which 10 days I was on vacation, I only gained .4....I conside that a victory.   I know that my weight will flucuate greatly the next few days as I get myself back onto a good routine....drinking my water and eating right.   I didn't exercise yesterday.  But this morning I have already played tennis for an hour....and tonight is my zumba night.  WOO HOOO!

Peace

The potomac, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I have not given up. I"m still trying to eat healthy. It's difficult sometimes. I'm also making a real effort to get exercise back into my daily routine. I went walking on monday, on Wednesday I rode the exercise bike and this morning I drug myself (and my husband) out of bed for trip to the tennis courts.

But mostly, of late, I'm trying to find peace within myself. Peace with everything that's going on.....most of which I have little or no control over. Peace.......HIGHLY UNDERRATED!