I woke up this morning and laid there and started to let my worries and stress get to me. But then I remembered my post from yesterday. I can control my weight....so I got up and hopped on the exercise bike and rode like the wind for an hour. Ok, not like the wind, I actually rode rather slowly, when it was all said and done only 8 miles in that hour. I guess I was too involved in my reading (I was reading a Micheal Palmer book while I was riding). But hey, I was out there riding!!!!

Control

First of all let me report in on my weight watcher meeting and the numbers. I lost 4 pounds!!! So my official loss for my first week of the year is 4 pounds! WOOO HOOOO!!

Of late I've been in a rather blah mood. You might even say I've been depressed. I feel as if my world is spinning madly out of control and I don't know where to grab hold...or how to grab hold...or even if grabbing hold will help. I stress about my weight. I worry about money (owning your own business...while it definitely has it's perks, it also makes my husbands income subjective to the weather, to clients, equipment breakdowns, etc). I can go on with the things in life I have no control over.Intrinsically I know that my actions and decisions do ultimately affect everythign, but it feels like so little....and if feels as if everything is so subjective. So while I have a say in some minor areas.....I really have no control over any of it. Yet, I worry and fret about these things that I have no control over.

So for some reason, I don't even know what sparked me to think this, last night I decided that I'm going to focus on the one thing that I have total and utter control over. There is only one thing that me, myself and I have complete 100% control over. Guessed it yet? My weight...and my weight loss. Maybe if I have control over at least one area of my life, that the 'blah's' will go away!

The grass is not always greener

Just read a great post that talks about maintaining a healthy weight! I have never had a problem with the concept of losing the weight. There is an end date. I however struggle with the concept of the 'for the rest of my life' that I have in front of me. I admit to getting depressed sometimes when I look at other people who seemingly go through life without a thought to what they eat with no seemingly no adverse affects. This post is excellent because it shows that outwardly there is no adverse affects, but there really are long reaching side effects from a poor (high caloric) diet.

My brother has often talked about bikers. He said that he knows a bunch of people that started biking simply as their form of exercise...because it burns mad calories (at the rate my brother does it at least) and because these people like to eat. He also says that many of these same guys start each spring close to 20 (or more) pounds heavier because they are not biking in the winter but they are eating like they want.

Anyway...I think I always knew that it would take work to keep off. I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is the 'forever' and the jealousy when I see other people eating what they want...when they want. That is what makes me depressed and want to throw in the towel. I guess I need to remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. ....which makes me think of my ex manager...She was one of those eat anything and everything...she was a size 2. But after watching her eat with jealousy for a few months I started noticing something. She would eat her cheesecake for breakfast lunch and dinner...but it wasn't a PIECE of cheesecake taht she ate for each meal...it was 2 bites of that same piece of cheesecake. She would work on the same darn piece of cheesecake for 2 or three days. The same was true with pretty much all the junk food that she ate....just a bite or two and then she was done. She loved food......she REALLY loved food...and junk food...oh my she was in LOVE with junk food. She just ate enough to satisfy herself and then called it quits.....portion control. So she was in her own way managing her weight. Yet I was jealous of her at the beginning because she was so thin and ate EVERYTHING. (Me, I would eat a piece...or two of cheesecake at one sitting...her it took 3 days to eat a piece).

SO I guess I need to re-evaluate and realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. So when I get to my goal weight, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just go with it. I know that the vacation that it all fell apart for me I kept saying (out loud actually) that I was going to live a 'normal' life for that week. And I did...and I gained 9 pounds. And I never stopped. Sooo who's normal was I living? I had reverted to the normality for an OBESE person. Not for the average thin person!

Tuesday ramblings

Tonight is my meeting. So I'll have my official loss tomorrow. But lets just say that I'm not bummed about what I think the scales are going to say.

Last night I made Chicken Dorito Casserole for dinner. I should call it Donna's Delicious Dish as it came from Donna.

So I'm moving forward and having a blast with the recipes. My exercise....I'm struggling this week. I know that my hsoulder is giving me grief...but I should be able to push myself through the pain in my shoulder to continue to at least ride the exercise bike. Last night I got on and rode between 10 and 15 minutes and then quit! I have vowed that I will ride at least the first half of TBL tonight!!! I almost forgot my multivitamin this morning. I was literally walking out the door and remembered. I had my husband shove it in my mouth as my hands were full....but I took it!!! Water...I actually did it this weekend...drinking my alloted amount of water is more difficult for me on the weekends...but I managed!

Update

Watching the above video is well worth your time. It totally encapsulates what we need to be doing on this weight loss journey and that is making it fun! For a food addict like me that means constanly pushing the envelope and finding new recipes to try....to keep it from getting boring. It means trying new activities and doing activities that are fun for me. Because face it, if we are not having fun, than these changes will NOT stay...and the goal is to make these changes lifelong!

ok, update. I'm doing good with my water and my multi-vitamin. Today may be a challenge with the water as I'll be riding around with mom and dad all day. But I've got my big jug (64 ounces all in one container) of water ready to go.

Exercise...I'm struggling with that one right now. I've got a whopping 3 miles in for this second week. (I was only 6 miles ahead after last week...so I'm officially behind). I know it's excuses...but this shoulder/neck/muscle/nerve thing is REALLY not feeling to swift. It hurts to move my neck, it hurts to move my arm, it hurts to twist my torso. And of couse that causes the headaches....so if the pain isn't that bad, I'm most likely suffering with a headache. What gives?????

Weight.....I'm down about 3 pounds...actually a little more I would say.

One week in!

So I'm one week into my goals for the year 2010. I set my weekly goals last week. In recap they were:

1. Get a strong start in my yearly goals!
2. Get back on track with eating and exercising
3. Stop making excuses for why I should eat!

Sooo lets take them one at a time. My yearly goals.
*I am now on a course for 3000 miles for the year, which means I need just about 60 miles each week (actually less, but I'm figuring 60...to make it easier and to give a little leeway). How did I do? I logged 66 miles for the week!
*Strength training- 2 sessions
*New recipes- 5
1. Baked Sweet Potato fries. I don't know why I never tried to make fries with sweet potatoes. I do it all the time with regular potatoes.
2. 5 spice shrimp and walnut stir-fry
3. Mexican Casserole
4. Zucchini Alfredo
5. Apple Marinade for chicken
*Weight loss....I actually forgot to weigh...HONESTLY forgot. The alarm went off early for Todd and I had promised to make him breakfast for the road...so I was up and in the kitchen and just didn't think about it until a few hours later.

Weekly goal number 2. I have had a bunch of on track days with my eating. I feel more empowered and in control with each succesive day!

Weekly goal number 3. Excuses. I have to admit on New years Day we went out to eat and I made an excuse as to why I should eat because it was New Years Day...a holiday. I will admit it. Otherwise, I didn't come up with reasons that I deserve or need to eat. IN fact, the last few days I've been totally on track...no excuses. I eat what I eat and that's it. I haven't been trying to wheedle extra food or whatnot!

Soooo goals for week two.

1. Become religious about taking my multi-vitamin
2. Water consumption......EVEN DURING THE WEEKEND!
3. Push through my sore shoulder and at least get some cardio under my belt!

Already reevaluating

My goals. I find that every goal on my list is quite doable. I know that I could do everything. However, I need to make a change.

100 miles a week. I had set a goal of 100 miles a week, or 5200 miles a year. It seemed doable when I thought about it. Why? I don't know. I'm a slow bike rider...and average 10 miles per hour. That is 10 hours a week. Doable...yeah. I was also thinking ahead to summer and that when I ride in GWG, I'll knock out at least 25 miles that day. That's 1/4th of a 100 mile goal. So I was thinking 100 would be a good number. I did set up an escape plan of 60 miles a week...or 3120 miles for the year. But in my mind if I only reached that goal I would be a failure...it was the 5200 miles or nothing in my mind.

So I started out my first week of this challenge. I've ridden every day. Some days I've ridden twice. And I'm still close to 40 miles away from reaching my challenge. For me to make 100 miles this week, I would need to put 2 hours in on the bike today and two hours in on the bike tomorrow. I would not be giving my body a day of rest. Because come Friday my 100 mile a week ticker resets and if I miss a day...I'll be behind. I have already stressed myself out over this 100 miles...how...when.

I was at the gym yesterday and I realized that a goal of 100 miles is not realistic. In order for me to reach that 100 miles I'll be spending 10 hours on the bike each week. (on to of that I have my strength training goal....so add more time in). I like to have a varied workout. Some days I go to the gym I like to do the treadmill...or the elliptical, etc etc etc. But those other machines and exercises don't give me the higher mileage...so I know me...in my zeal to complete my mileage, I'll only do the bike...because it's my best chance. That is ok short term...but it's not cool long term. My body needs the different workouts.

The last factor is the fact that 100 miles a week gives me absolutely NO wiggle room. As mentioned above I have to pretty much work out an hour and a half a day....every day So what happens when I drive out to my brothers house for vacation. A day of driving out there and a day of driving back....that's two days that I wont be riding that week. What happens this summer when I spend my complete day off....8-10 hours working in the garden and yard....or when I work from sunup until 2 or three the next morning because green beans needed to be picked and canned....bushels of them. In the summer we grow and preserve a lot of our food....it takes time and work. Manual labor. On some of those days, there is NO way that I can add in 1-2 hours of biking. But with my 100 mile challenge I HAVE to.

Sooooooo, I"m going to lower my number. I"m lowering it to 3000 miles for the year. 60 miles a week is actually 3120 miles. But I"m going to make it an even 3000 miles. That will account for a week of vacation and it will also give me another week's wiggle room in case I get sick or something else happens (when my brothers in town...or stuff like that).

I'm still going to keep that 5200 miles in the back of my mind. I'm not going to stop at 60 miles each week. If I reach the 60 miles early (due to a big bike ride or something like that) I'm going to push onward. I would still like to reach that 5200 miles. But I'd rather face the truth NOW and admit that 5200 miles may be out of my reach THIS year. Why? Because a realistic goal is one that I will strive for long term. An unrealistic one.....that will disappear from my radar within a few weeks. And don't worry...the 100 mile challenge will come up periodically in my weekly goals. :-)

deprivation versus moderation

Will I ever learn? I would like to think that this has been a true lesson and that we have learned it correctly this time. I know that I vowed on the way down that I would never weigh over 200 pounds again. Yet, here I sit. But I had never lost weight before. I dont think I realized how monumentally difficult it would be to maintain my loss. I think I Just figured the worst part would be losing and then it would all be pretty with the weight loss. I knew that I would always have to keep an eye on my weight. I just didn't realize how closely I would have to gaurd against excess weight.



I think another issue I had. When I was losing, I was so 'into' it that I didn't mind skipping over hte desserts. I didn't mind all that. Yeah, I splurged every once in a while and got something yummy (totally splurging...but still watching carefully my intake of food). So when I reached the pinnacle...my lifetime membership while I knew that I couldn't have those fattening things all the time, I gave myself the go ahead to splurge more often....and to splurge even if it wasn't exactly accounted for and prepared for in regards to my caloric/points intake. So after a year or so of watching carefully, I started to sample and I found that I couldn't stop. Basically the doors opened to a world of no deprivation and 40 pounds just popped back onto my body. This time around I'm determined to do it right. I'm not going to deprive myself. I will be eating cake every once in a while. It will be planned for, accounted for and I will have the points available to eat it. There will be no deprivation, there will be lots of moderation. :-)

I made it to the gym this morning. Got a nice cardio workout in...AND another strength training session. WOOO HOOO!

Mental

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Weight loss is not a physical journey, it's a mental journey. Ohh yeah, there will be physical changes...but the major part is all mental. In emails today I've talked to friends and every time it came around to mental challenges.

1. Stress eating because seemingly life is out of control. Everything may be spinning out of control but you do have one are of your life that you can control. Your eating. It is quite empowering to be in control of something when everything seems to be spinning madly. MENTAL
2. Are you hungry at work, in the afternoon? Mental games. Chewing gum, drinking water, trying to occupy your mind.
3. We can go into the whole 'mentalness' of how this weight on our bodies has affected us emotaionally/mentally and otherwise.

It just seems as if this whole journey is really played out in our heads! Get your head in the game and it will go easier.

This 5200 mile challenge. It's gonna be a really difficult one to keep. I'm 4 days in and I'm already behind the 8 ball so to speak. If I were planning on riding 7 days a week for the whole 365 days, I'd need to be riding 14.3 miles a day.....if I only ride 5 of the 7 days it's 20 miles. Right now I'm 4 days in and I'm averaging about 10 miles a day. I need to step up the pace and work out a schedule for these miles! Optimally, I would like to get ahead and not constantly be behind. We'll have to see. However, looking at how difficult this challenge is going to be...I think I may need to upgrade my 'simple' piece of jewelry. Tee hee hee

Ok, so I didn't start out as strong as I intended. But it's all good.

Yesterday I did get on the exercise bike....only 5 miles down out of my weekly goal of 100. Yikes, I'm gonna have to work for this one!!!! I just spent the last 5 hours taking down Christmas decorations and rearranging the house. The exercise bike is now in the living room. I've got some serious peddling to do in order to reach my 100 mile goal! Being in the living room will hopefully help me!

SOoo my weekly goals:

1. Get a strong start in my yearly goals!
2. Get back on track with eating and exercising
3. Stop making excuses for why I should eat!

A new year is upon us

Sooo the year rolls to an end. Well, we are on the final stretch right now. I sit back and I look at this last year. Weight wise, it's been a total disaster. I've totally lost my way and I've gained back weight. I've gained back a lot of weight. (Hey, isn't the end of the year time for true confessions). I've only gone up one size in my clothing....so that's good at least, because it could have been worse. I have learned some stuff about myself...some personal things that I've come to grips with...things that I'm learning to overcome. It's all good. Especially since overcoming these things will hopefully bring me back full cycle into a stage where I really WANT to lose the weight. I've never stopped wanting to lose weight. But that deep down drive to succeed has been a bit absent. Me looking deep into myself has hopefully opened the way for my success.

Sooo, I'm not setting New Years Resolutions. A resolution is to hoo hum, "this is something I'm forcing myself to do". I am setting goals for my new year. Goals that in some cases are going to actually require me to work for them. I've also got rewards set up in my mind for these goals. SOooooo here they are (and Donna if you are reading this...you are getting a sneak preview to them, instead of having to wait until Monday when we set up our time to share our goals!

Ok...here goes.

1. Expand my collection of recipes. I love to cook, and have tons of cookbooks and I have tons of recipes. But eating at home and eating healthy really is contingent upon not getting bored with the meals that are being made and served. For the last year and a half I have not eaten much beef (probably 5-10 times). I've never been a seafood eater. I am not ready to give up chicken and turkey, but I'm really toying with the idea of dropping pork from my diet. Vegetarian recipes are in short demand at my place. I've picked up some here and there over the years, but not enough to survive on long term. So that is my focus. Vegetarian recipes (and nope, I don't like the meat substitutes like soy and/or tofu...which of course is still soy). I'm sure I'll still be adding some meat based recipes in, but I want to focus more on vegetarian options...and honestly, I'll be just as happy without any meat. :-)

2. Lose weight. I want to get back to my goal weight of 180 pounds. Yes, I'd like to go lower, but my goal for this upcoming year is to simply get back to my Doctor recommended weight of 180. (bmi says I should be no more than 164)

3. Add strength training into my weekly routine. This one is a difficult one for me. When I'm running short on time, I tend to skip the strength training and only do cardio. I KNOW that I need the strength training. And this is really the only goal that I've set that I'm not looking forward to. How many times a week. Optimally, I'd like to get back to the three times a week deal. Realistically, at this point...ANYTHING is better than what I'm doing.

4. Set weekly goals for myself. Keeping the main goals still there, I'd like to set weekly goals for myself. It could be something as simple as 'remember to take my multivitamin each day'. Or it could be focus on water consumption. Or I could expound on one of my main goals...but each week I want to sit down and actually think about where I am and set look at where I want to be at the end of the week.

5. And here is the biggie. I want to propel myself, via bike, elliptical, walking, jogging, stationary bike, treadmill whatever a bare minimum of 60 miles a week. That is a bare minimum of 3120 miles for the year. The real number that I'm aiming for though.....100 miles a week for the year...that's 5200 miles for the year. I am not counting my normal everyday walking, which means I'm not going to wear a pedometer everyday and count the steps that i take when I go to the bathroom or cooking dinner towards my mileage........if I go for a walk on the canal and walk 3 miles, THAT will count...but normal every day walking...nope Not unless it's an abnormal day...like a day walking around DC....or Chicago...or something like that..something that is out of the ordinary. Ok, I have an update......I made it 5 days and I realized 100 miles was not doable...so I'm changing it to 60 miles a week..which give me room to have a day of rest each week and not be riding my bike hours every day of the week! More about the reasoning behind the change here.


Rewards for these goals. I've only set two rewards. When I get back to my goal weight....a vacation of my choice to where ever I want. If....no, when I reach the 5200 miles, my reward will be a piece of jewelry. Nothing over the top in price. A simple ring...a pair of earrings. Something that I can wear...and wear with pride knowing that I propelled myself for more than 5200 miles in a year.

So there you have it!

Christmas is over. It's kinda depressing to say. The build up is sooo big and then in one fell swoop it's over. Sad.

I've made a vow to get my eating and exercise back under control. Todd and I have set up a mutual reward and we are DYING to get the reward so we are both working towards it pretty good. The reward? I'm embarrassed to say...it's a food reward. We both love Bucca di Beppo....and we actually even have a gift certificate there...so in essence it's free food. But we have said that we have to lose a combined 20 pounds before we can go there. WHew......So I want to do my part with at least 10 pounds of that 20!

Yes, yes yes....bad to reward myself with food I know. But motivating!

Soooooo back to being good. Being at my parents house over the holidays was rough. My mom always has such yummy baked goods that it's ridiculous! That and eating out and eating with them....it's just a recipe for disaster!

Weight loss is really all a mental game. It's not a thing of anything other than getting your mind in the right place. There are a few things that need to line up mentally for it to work though. Here are the things that I've learned over the years and I'm thinking about.

1. I need to like myself. Maybe not my weight, but I need to like me.
2. Going hand in hand with liking myself, one needs to feel as if they are worth the effort. It is an effort and there will be slight depravations in the journey. If one feels worthless, then those depravations are not going to happen.
3. You need to believe in what you can do it. If you don't believe in yourself, you have set yourself up for failure
4. And most importantly.....dream. Think about your end goal...dream about it. Those dreams will help carry you through the daily grind of this journey

Priorities

Above and beyond having to deal with all the food and parties during the holiday season we have to struggle with priorities. Life gets really busy and we start to run and take care of everything in preparation for the holidays. My own personal needs get pushed to the sidelines. I don't have time to write in my blog as much. I don't have time to journal my food religiously. I don't have time for me. And that is a disaster waiting to happen in terms of weight loss. Not pretty at all. So here, 4 days before Christmas I am vowing to take care of myself. I may not be able to exercise every day. I may not be able to do everything. But I'm going to be more cognizant of myself and my needs.

I have vowed that after the holidays I'm hopping hot and heavy on the healthy lifestyle again. That does NOT mean that I will be eating like a freakin' starving pig over the next two weeks. It means that I'm going to be watching what I do and taking care of myself. But after the holidays I'll be hitting the gym and going to my weight watcher meetings religiously. No ifs ands of buts!

No formal exercise this weekend

not looking good, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

But does shoveling for more than 8 hours count?

Just a pretty weekend

IMG_7808, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Still around

shovels, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I'm still around, just enjoying the winter weather! It's been crazy!!!!

Is this divine intervention?

b&w kitchen aid, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I woke up and started a very productive morning. I mixed up some pizza dough and put that to rise and then I started some bagel dough. THe pizza dough was to make a breakfast pizza for this mornings breakfast. The bagel dough was for tomorrow (as the bagel dough has to be shaped into bagels and then sit in the fridge for 12 hours or more). All was going splendidly. I was enjoying the early morning foray in the kitchen. And then, my mixer went kaplooeey. The locking mechanism on the tilt head has gone haywire...so it's still usable, I just can't lock it in the down position...so stiff doughs and foods will not be manageable in this mixer until it's either fixed or replaced. This is a sad sad day for me. I love my kitchen aid mixer. I admit, I would love to have a bigger one...and one of the non tilt head types. (that's what I grew up with in my mom's kitchen....so naturally I would love to have that). But it's been a handy mixer. I cook and bake a fair amount so the mixer has been used pretty heavily. So I"m pretty bummed out.

One of my first thoughts though......is this divine intervention? Without my mixer I'll be more limited (haa haa haa...I'm sure I"ll find a way around it until I can get a new one....I can always borrow my mom's old sunbeam...it's what I used until I got my Kitchen Aid) in my baking. And do I really need to be baking all of that fattening stuff?

No, my kitchen aid breaking is not divine intervention...but it was my first thought. tee hee hee

You may laugh at the divine intervention but there have literally been times that I've actually prayed for help to eat proper amounts and healthy stuff. One time in particular I made a pizza. I was determined to only eat 2 pieces instead of 4 (half of the pizza). I had been praying for strength to eat proper portions and to not just eat to eat...simply because it tasted soooo good. Some meals were easy...but pizza is a nemesis. I love pizza and honestly have a hard time stopping at 2 slices. Well that night I ate my two pieces and I found myself in the kitchen putting two more pieces on my plate. I started to carry it out of the kitchen and I really don't know what happened but I bummed into something and the pizza ended up face down on the floor. THat night I only ate 2 pieces. Divine intervention. Kinda a crazy way to answer my prayers...but it worked. ANd I was satisfied, I didn't go hungry that night. Nor did I get anything else. I knew immediately that my prayers had been answered that night, on a dinner where I usually have no or little control.

Nope, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon. This week was just crazy. I on the other hand am holding steady if not slowly dropping on the scales. NOthing to be too excited about, but I'm tickled to be holding steady!!!! This week should be much more quiet, so I'm hoping to see some progress onthe scales.

Meanwhile, the Christmas rush is here. I went grocery shopping yesterday and popped into one or two stores that were nearby. It was total madness in the mall area! CRAZY. I'm so happy that my shopping is done. I"m just sitting back and enjoying the season.

I'm making a big batch of taco soup today. I'll be eating that all week, and freezing some of it. It's super yummy and actually quite healthy (as it's really only vegetable/bean soup....but with the kick of jalapenos and taco seasonings). Exercise for the last week. I actually did exercise a few days. And there were a few days where I was on the go all day. On my feet and walking. Not exactly exercise...but activity!

The Meal

Italian Almond Bars, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Italian Almond Bars.....quite tasty and actually somewhat healthy!