I didn't weigh myself the last two days, but I've been determined to not turn to my 'happy foods' to make myself feel better. It's been rough, but I've managed to stay away from the 'happy foods'. AND....I've been rewarded, the scales went down another pound!!! WOO HOOO!!!

Yes, that is my new term....happy foods. We all have our happy foods. For me it's baked goods and carbs. Pasta pasta pasta! Comfort foods...but I prefer to call them happy foods. Becuase they will make me happy (fleetingly of course...but happy) and if I'm already in a good mood...well then happy foods are a prefect accompaniment! Happy foods! But I've managed my happy food consumption these last few days. And while my mood has been one that I feel as if the world is crumbling down around me......I feel really good because I have been 100% in control of my eating!

Food for Friday September 25, 2009 (and might I add that they ordered in pizza for us at lunch at work).

toast
mandarin oranges
corn
green beans
kiwi
string cheese
Homemade Helper (sooo very tasty)
applesauce
lowfat/ff ice cream (yup, exactly 1/2 cup...I premeasure my ice cream as soon as I bring it home)
popcorn

Blah

Not gonna write today as I'm in a grand funk. I don't have it in me. However I vowed that my food would be posted on line....so......

Food for September 24, 2009

2 eggs
potatoes
toast
turkey bacon
Mandarin oranges
pudding cup
kiwi
string cheese
smart ones pizza
popcorn
toast

Food for thought!

Wow..posts in one day...but I was reading some other blogs and low and behold I hit upon this one....and wowzers, did it really hit me square in the forhead. This simple one line "If you want to change, you can’t just be in love with the end result, you have to fall in love with the process too." Striks a huge chord. I was/am totally in love with the end result...with me at 180 (a year ago)...that I've lost focus on the current process and in reality the current me. Please please please read this post!!!! I promise it will be worth your time!!!

Just another early morning with nothing on my agenda. Well, I could clean the house....but my cats hate hate hate the vacuum cleaner and considering I have one cat that had emergency surgery earlier this week and one cat that is still sequestered in the library and not really walking much (and when she does walk it's obvious that she's in pain)...uhhhhhh nope, I'm not running that vacuum.

I stayed within my points allowance yesterday, however I ate a whole bunch of carbs! Oh well, we'll see. I vow to do better today! Actually, I think I may run to weigh myself as I didn't do it first thing this morning! Whew....down another 6/10ths of a pound! Even with all those carbs...hopefully it doesn't come back to bite me tomorrow!

I'm in a bit of a funk here now. Yesterday for sure and it's carried into today. Probably worry over my kitty cats! So anyway...I'll bid adiu for now.

Food from September 23, 2009

pancakes (2....4 or 5 inch in diameter)
mandarin oranges
kiwi
pudding cup
apple
PB&J
pasta salad (one serving)
corn
Fat free ice cream

Thoughts

Struggling struggling struggling....how differently can I say it? I guess most of my problem is just my self disgust that I feel over my weight gain. I know that I'm not alone. I have friends online, in person, friends that I made when I attended weight watchers that are in the same boat. They have gained and the self disgust is tearing us up. I hate myself for letting this happen. I hate the fact that my clothes no longer fit. I'm still trying to hold out and not buy clothes because I so desperately want to lose the weight. So I'm miserable in my tight clothes...clothes that actually do not fit me any longer. And it just hit me while I was typing that this self disgust is actually part of my problems right now. This animosity that I hold toward myself is holding me back in my efforts to lose weight. Somehow, I need to acccept the fact that I'm human and that i've gained weight and I need to move on. The clothes thing...well, with the economy being so iffy, I still don't want to spend the money on clothes....but maybe I will have to buy just a few more things (i've bought just a few already) to make life bearable. I could actually still wear most of my button down shirts....if I left them open as a 'jacket' and used bought some camisols for underneath. Or even partially open in some cases. hmmmmm Pants, I bought one pair which I wear twice a week. If I buy one more pair again in a neutral color, I may be able to pull it off. (friday and saturday is khaki day...and I actually still have some that fit). So there is a possibility.

Sooooo something that I'm going to institute is that I am going to begin to post, online for the world to see my food for the day and my exercise. I think this is a grand idea because if I know that others are going to be looking, I may think twice. SOOO if my food intake starts disappearing off of my posts, please call me out on it! And for those of you who preach protein...yeah, I know...I need more of it on most days)

I'll start with yesterday Septembre 22, 2009.....and it's not a very pretty first start....which is why I'm doing it.

Toast
Green Giant individual corn
Green beans
Jello pudding cup
Wasa cracker
mandarin oranges
grapes
Southwestern Chicken ...this is actually a pretty healthy dish....but I had two servings.
cornbread
pears
betty crocker mini bowl thingy-the 100 cal things
1/2 cup reduced fat peanut butter ice cream (yes, measured out)

stress!

sept-1-2008 (1 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Well, are you ready for the Stotler family drama of the day???? I'll go in chronological order.

I stopped at the post office to pick up the mail on the way to work. There were statements from our bank (the one we use most regularly, not the accounts from where I work). So when I got to work I decided to go ahead and balance my checkbooks. All was looking good.....UNTIL I noticed a deposit was not there. However a check that I wrote for cash two days later was posted. I pulled out my receipts and no problem...the receipt is in my book (thank heavens...I'm usually really good about keeping receipts, but every once in a while one gets put somewhere else). I called the bank...they see no record what-so-ever of my money. They are 'investigating' it right now....they should get back to me today. Uhhhhhhh I'm not happy about this at all. I called them more than 3 hours ago.....I read all of the information off the receipt...so they have the exact time date, teller info...everything from the transaction. I'm going to call back in another hour or so and raise stink. This is ridiculous. I have a stinkin' receipt! Give me my money and figure out what messed up convoluted error you made on your own after MY money is back in my account! So that is drama one...I'm currently on hold awaiting their call.

Secondly. Todd had cancellation this morning (THANK GOODNESS) and went home to pick up something. He noticed Desi, laying on the bed licking himself profusely. Everywhere he licked, he left a strip of blood. Yes, you read that right. I asked if it was his poor little scabs...did one break open and was he bleeding. Todd was like, "NO, it's coming from his mouth!" Called the vet and they said bring him right up. Todd headed up to town (20 minute drive of course). By the time he got there, he said the blood was gushing from the cats mouth. (the towel that was in the cat carrier was covered wit blood when he brought it home). They rushed Deebs right in and quickly acertained that he has a huge gash (hole) in his mouth. They rushed Desi into emergency surgery to put repair this issue. The good news.....Todd had that cancellation and had forgotten a piece of paper and went home to get it at 10:30 instead of at 1PM when he was planning on going back for lunch and to pick up that paper. The vet said that at the rate that he was bleeding, that he would have bleed to death within an hour or two. So we miraculously found him sooner because of a cancellation with the studio. Thus, I'm waiting for a call from the vet also!

The vet told todd that he could have gotten into a fight with another cat. I asked Todd, "did you check the other cats when you noticed Desi" He was like, no, I just scooped up desi and ran. So I left work and rushed home to check on the other babies. None had a leg dangling or an eye missing. Ethel however seems to be walking very gently...favoring her back end. SOOOO my co-worker and I came up with this scenario. Desi attacked Ethel.....Ethel fought back. When Ethel fights she uses her back legs and roto-tills on him. Her claw got him in the mouth, and somehow in the fray (probably with him panicked with a wound in his mouth...possibly she panicked with her claw stuck in the flesh of his mouth) she twisted and has caused her back end to be sensitive. Oh the drama never ends at our house.

And all this worry makes me want to eat eat eat!


The picture on today's post is of my baby that's in surgery today. Desi!

Heritage days!

I have no clue what I weigh today. Nor will I know. Yesterday was absolutely crazy!!!! It was the day of the Sharpsburg Heritage Days! Todd and I were up at 5AM. I threw some bread in the toaster and had breakfast bright and early. We were in town by 6AM and I was unloading all of our sound gear and lights from our vehicle. I helped set up stuff until 7:45 when it was time for me to walk across the parking lot into the bank. I worked until noon and then I went outside. As I somehow ended up with the title of photagrapher for the event, I was busy taking pictures (I was able to leave my job and run outside to get a few things in the morning also). I went to grab lunch an hour or so later and the place that was selling Chicken was sold out!!! YIKES! That left me with steamers or hot dogs from a local church....or crab cakes. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't do beef and I DEFINITELY don't do crabcakes! I ended up finding a country ham sandwich and an apple dumpling for lunch. Dinner rolled around. Todd was fine (he had gotten his chicken early...and for dinner he had a crabcake). For dinner...the ham sandwiches were gone.....and quite honestly most of the food venders were totally gone or sold out. Uhhhhhh....what do do ....what to do. Well, I did the only thing a food addict WOULD do. I went to the ice cream shop and had a nice big dish of ice cream! YES! I ate three scoops! Heath, Strawberry and Chocolate for you foodies out there that are salivating! Ok, before I go on....I did stick with fat free yogurt and didn't go straight up ice cream!!! The music finally ended at 10...we loaded up our gear and came home. So I had a grilled cheese, 100 cal pack of chocolate covered pretzels and a jelly pudding cup (60 cal) at about midnight. Sooo my eating was a bit out of the ordinary. Ohh yeah,and add to the fact that I didn't drink nearly enough. (there was no way.....I didn't go to the bathroom ALL day...so I KNOW I dehydrated myself!)

My saving grace? From 5AM until pretty much 11:30PM I was on my feet and moving! Who knows how it will shake out. But I am not going to let one day derail me!

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

About a week or two ago Todd and I watched one of my all time favorite movies....the Shawshenk Redemption. And of course having that movie in my head emphasized my choice that I'm making right now. That choice? To live.

It's been no secret. I've gained weight over the last year. I'm not happy with myself over this, but that's a whole other ball game....er post. I was only half way committed to the weight loss journey and therefore I lost control and gained. Finally it hit me. I have two choices. I can get busy living or be busy dying. Literally. I can chose healthy foods, healthy activities and lose the weight and live. Or I can continue eating poorly, ignore exercise and die. I can live or I can die. How can this be that I'm chosing life or death?

Lets go with death first. The larger I get the more miserable I feel. Aches and pains that I had long forgotten. I don't have the energy that I had at a lower weight. In essence my quality of life has diminished because of added weight. I know that to gain more would continue to lower that level. I'm not saying that I can't be a happy fat girl...I just know that it's more difficult for every day things. My arthritic knees bother me more. Back pains. Stomach aches (they were constant). You name it. But even beyond the diminished quality of life is the fact that the added weight could very well eventually kill me. There are quite a few weight related illnesses out there. One of them would surely eventually catch up to me and get me. So yes, death very well could be closer on the horizon with a heavier weight.

Soooo not lets talk about life. Well, there's not much to talk about except to say that my energy levels are outstandingly higher with each pound of extra weight that is gone from my body. My arthritis doesn't bother me nearly as much. Stomach pains.....rare. My bloodwork came back so much better at a lower weight...showing me that my risks for some of these illnesses was greatly reduced. I was able to lead a much more productive life and I knew that that life was better protected because of the lifestyle I was leading. Losingi and maintaining a weight loss is to chose life.

Soooo I have a choice every time I look in the refridgerator. I can get busy living or I can get busy dying. I have a choice every time I am waffling back and forth between going to the gym or skipping it. I can get busy living or I can get busy dying. The choice is that simple!

Gym gym gym. Yes, I made it to the gym again today! My legs muscles are still sore...although it's a very dull soreness now. My back is still tender. I started on the elliptical, but moved to a bike at the gym as the eliiptical bothered my back. :-)

Eating wise....I'm getting this down. And my weight dropped today!

Moving along on my quest!

Well....woke up this morning and could barely move. My lower back sometimes gives me grief. (yeah yeah yeah...I'm falling apart, my knees, my upperback/shoulder, what's next). I usually just use it and overextend it...but more commonly I find that while sleeping todd flips his leg over me and if I'm laying lower in the bed (which I usually am becuase a cat is sharing my pillow...so of course I lay lower in the bed to allow the cat to stretch out). Anyway, if I'm laying lower in the bed his leg then rests across my lower back...which pulls my back out of alignment...and causes me pain int he morning. SOoo this morning was one of those lucky mornings. I made it through work and came home. Determined to work out. Todd cancelled on me (for good reasons this time) so I didn't go to the gym. Not to fear, not to fear. I still sucked it up and hopped onto the recumbent bike here at our house and read while I rode for a bit. So I'm still on track!

Eating. I'm within my points...my portions are ok...I just need to really focus on chosing the BEST choices for myself!!

Worked out again this morning at the gym!!! Two days of gym visitation down! Two days of good activity before that!!! So four days of having activity back in my life. WOO HOO!

Eating yesterday. Well, I planned it all so well. But I didn't take into account that my 'normal' lunch that I usually take to work with me was not going to hold a candle to what I've been eating this past week. Soo the fruits and veggies and light lunch just didn't cut it. Therefore at about 4PM, I found myself just eating and eating and eating at work! It was nuts! I didn't do bad with my points, Todd was gone in the evening so I was able to adjust my nighttime eating to accomodate what I had gorged on earlier. Today was better. Of course I had a larger lunch (todd and I ate at together at lunch today). I took a banana to eat at 4...when I knew the munchies would hit! I have stayed within my points allotment thus far this evening. I have one point left. Probably a piece of fruit for me later this evening.

Speaking of this evening...The Biggest Loser is coming on!!! Woo hooo!

COOOOKIES

COOOOKIES, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ate wayyyy to much fair food at the Renaissance Festival yesterday. The food was fabulous. The entertainment enthralling and it was just a plain good fun day. We walked a whole lot!!!! It was my last hurrah before returning to work and I vowed that my return to work would also usher in my new focus on exercise and eating right.

Promise Kept, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

But, I kept my promise. Back to work today.....and my vow to myself was that I would get myself back under control with not only my eating, but back on track with my exercise. SOOO this morning the alarm went off at 6AM, I rolled myself out of bed and went to the gym first thing!!! My eating is planned out and I plan on making this a super fabulous day!

reflections

reflections, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I've been busy. My friend came in LATE on Friday night. We slept in on Saturday and then hit the stores on Saturday afternoon and then dinner out (with my parents). Sunday morning we woke up early and headed for the beach. We came home on Monday night late. Yesterday we did some things local to my house...which included an official tour of the antietam battlefield for her. We've been up late talking (or in the case of last night, watching movies).

Food......not the greatest! But I've enjoyed EVERY dang bite of it. I've eaten things that I don't normally eat.....french fries (once), pizza...well, that's not too abnormal, a burger (yeah, that's rare for me now), and while Italian is not abnormal, we've had it twice. :-) I'm sure my weight is up a bit. I'll know shortly (whenever I motivate to move myself toward the bathroom to shower).

We take her back to the airport today. Todd and I are planning to join the new gym ASAP!!!

REALLY Freaking out about my bike ride on Saturday as I've...well....I"m so not ready for it physically! I am tickled though to be seeing our friends Donna and Andy!

food food everywhere

I totally lost control of my eating last night. Totally. Unequivicably. Just plain out of control. I had the menu planned out for the day and I knew what I was doing. However, at about 2 or 3 Todd asked if I would mind switching up what what was for dinner. He has a cold and is just feeling plain outright miserable and for him that affects the kinds of food he wants to eat. Of course I could switch. So I did...to cold cuts, mac salad and I bought some fat free pringles to accompany the meal. Hey, we did have watermelon for dessert! The change, while probably still in my points allowance for the day (I had eaten really wisely throughout the day) just did me in though. And I was hungry the rest of the night. I had ice cream (low fat/fat free.....and since I divy it up into 1/2 cup containers, I only did have one serving), I had a handful of pringles. I had a 100 cal bag of chocolate covered pretzels. And I had a frozen fruit bar. What's up with that? Finally I called it quits and went to bed!

I didn't weigh myself this morning. I'll face the scales tomorrow! Unless my friend really fouled up this week, I've lost the competition. Not a problem....I'm mad at myself for not using the opportunity to actuallly really get some weight loss going, but I've got my head on straight about it now and I'm ready to roll!

I didn't keep all that great track of my eating From Friday through last night. I kinda sorta did. I had some slip ups (Longhorn Steakhouse with that fabulous Parmesan Garlic crusted Chicken that was over 1000 calories)and some meals of simply not counting my points or even calories (last night my parents came to dinner). We ate out on Friday at Longhorn, Saturday at Chipotle (uhhh yeah, blew a lot of points on that burrito I found out after the fact..but it was REALLY tasty), Sunday we stopped at Blimpies and got subs and split a bag of chips. So I ate out a lot. Sunday I had those chips...super salty and on both sunday and monday I didn't drink even half of what I normally drink! But I bravely stepped onto the scales this morning. 208.4. WOOOOOOO So I dropped! Even with some probable water retention and my not so best eating choices! AMEN! I was active active active though!

Speaking of active...I'm really getting nervous about my bike ride coming up. My knees are aching. I'm actually somewhat afraid to ride because of my knees. So I think I'm just going to ride the exercise bike while I can and grit my teeth and bare it on that ride. Should be interesting!

Busy Beaver

I am so utterly sore it's not funny! I'm sore my back will loosen up as the day progresses. My legs are already feeling a bit better but whew!

Yesterday started early with me picking tomatoes in the garden. About a bushel ful of tomatoes were picked. I then came in and started working. I put them through the food mill and got about a third of that bubbling away in a stock pot, a third bubbling away in a crock pot and a third in a container waiting for an open burner on the stove. I got my water bath canner rolling and started in on my 3 bushels of apples (probably closer to 3.5 bushels when I added in the apples I bought last week.). As I was working I noticed that the house was becoming more and more humid and hotter and hotter. By 12:30 it was about 90 degrees in here but the worst of it, the air conditioning system kept powering totally down. It would restart, reset and run for about a minute and then power down. I was freakin' out! Not good when you have stuff bubbling away and spewing more hot air into your house. In the midst of this I sliced open my finger pretty badly. After the finger slicing I had a bit of a meltdown, crying and sobbing...oh yeah, the whole nine yards. BUT when I gathered myself together I was able to think clearly. I switched from canning my applesauce to freezing it. That removed the canner and all that hot steam from the kitchen. I then focused on getting everything done as fast as possible. Todd and I worked and worked and did it. I was in prayer the whole time about our heat pump! I knew that the guy that we would have come look at it was busy during the day so there was no use to call him at that point. My prayers were answered......Todd all of a sudden thought about the condensation drain. Sure enough, it was clogged! He unclogged it and it started to work. We still had a bunch of stuff on the stove, so the temps didn't drop quite as quickly as we would have liked, but we were tickled!

For lunch we had hot dogs (turkey dogs for me..and yes, I had two), mac and cheese and applesauce. For dinner we ran up to town and ate at chipotle where I had a vegetarian burrito (with sour cream, cheese and gaucamole!) and todd and I split and order of chips and salsa. So my eating was not totally up to par yesterday, BUT I was on my feet all day (after dinner we slipped into Best Buy..we were there for about 2-3 hours buying some new toys). Then of course we came home and had to tear down our old toys and start putting the new toys in place! So other than sitting to eat and sitting to drive up to town (and a little sitting/kneeling while working late in the evening) I was up, on my feet and active from about 8Am on Saturday until about 1AM on Sunday morning. Which leads us to my weight this morning....

I was a little nervous about my weight this morning. Afterall, I had a HUGE point meal on Friday night (delicious) and yesterdays foods weren't the best in points I can imagine. Sour cream???? Guacamole??? (I'll figure my points in a few minutes here...for the reckoning). But my weight was 209.6. So I dropped! Whew!

Longhorn Steakhouse

Last night we went out to dinner with friends. Had the most delightful time, I'm surprised that they didn't kick us out....we lost track of time. Got there at 6 and we left the restaurant at 11. Like I said, good time!

The problem. Longhorn Steakhouse....parmesan crusted chicken. Looked up the calories today. 1080 calories! JUST for the chicken! YIKES! It was soooo good though! I also had a sweet pototo (with butter and cinnamon), a salad with honey mustard dressing (they forgot the cheese on my salad...thank goodness, I don't think I needed it...wanted it, but didn't need it and ironically enough, I didn't realize it was missing until this morning) and one piece of bread! Uhhh yeah, I blew yesterday! NO, I blew one meal! I actually walked into that meal with having 21 points alloted. (I ate really healthy for breakfast and lunch...lots of zero pointers...stuff like green beans!) No worries. I'm back on it today. And today is a high level activity day with the apples!!!

Here I am another day down on the eating right journey. The scales were not overly friendly today as it showed me .6 pounds up. But I'm not worried. We had hot dogs (turkey dogs for me, soy for Todd) and baked beans last night for dinner. (hey, I got home at 6:15 and we had to be somewhere at 6:45....hot dogs are QUICK...pop those babies on the grill and by the time the baked beans are warmed, the dogs are ready). So we are talking sodium city. Then after the meeting at about 8:50 Todd and I hit up the ice cream shop. I had the points, but eating it late (and weighing in earlier this morning than normal) may have affected it. And if the slight gain wasn't from either of those things...then it's just simply a fact of nature, because I stayed within my points and was on track yesterday!

I'm hoping to pick up some apples today and do my applesauce tomorrow. I just want this canning to be over. I've canned a TON of stuff this year. I'm ready to put the canning stuff away, clean up my kitchen for good and go back to normality. :-) But a huge huge huge day of canning means a lot of activity and movement on my part. Big canning days are usually a boost to my weight loss efforts....because it's 12-14 hours or straight up movement. I usually even eat on the run. :-)

Soul Searching and total honesty

Back already to write an update! I finished writing my daily entry to my blog in my ramble fashion and I started reading other blogs. Then I got to this one. This is a post about food addiction written by the Scale Junkie. Very thought provoking. Why did it hit me so hard? I've readily admitted that I'm a food junky on more than one occasion. BUT, I have never opened myself up to full honesty. Outwardly I'm doing everything right. But I'm gaining or not losing. In reality, I was skirting on the edge of doing right....for most of the time. Sometimes I fell over the edge into 'poor eating' and at others I skip into the healthy eating realm. But never totally one way or the other. I wrote post after post lamenting my lack of progress and even my weight gains. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I had admitted that I had a food addiction, but i was still hiding it. No more. Total honesty, no matter how badly it makes me look.

Sooo I'll start this new realm off with some confessions.

1. My bike ride this morning that I mentioned in passing....I didn't even make it 30 minutes. I only did 20 minutes. No wait...total honesty.....I rode 19 minutes and 23 seconds before giving up and going back to laze mode!

2. Yesterday, while I still ate ok and managed my food and showed a loss this morning...the boredom got me at work in the afternoon. I ate a handful of pretzels, a handful of tortilla chips and 5 pieces of salt water taffy. I counted my points and monitored my eating the rest of the day, but I caved to the temptation of my addiction. (see, I glossed over that fact....yeah, I still came out on top...but I lost control of my addiction...and the only reason i stopped was because I ate a piece of taffy and didn't like the flavor)

3. My weight. I've admitted that I've gained some. I've shared that I'm losing again. But I've never talked about how much I've gained. I've glossed over the down and dirty figures. Last fall, just about a year ago, I was terribly proud because I was showing a huge weight loss. Well over a hundred pounds. I had reached the weight that my doctor thought was a good one for me, 180 pounds. I had made lifetime at weight watchers (based on my doctors recommendation...he said I could go lower, but 180 was the high end of where he thought I should be.) I felt good with my body, yeah, I would like to go lower but i was happy. And then I went on vacation. I splurged and ate. I ate some more. And then even more. I came back and i weighed close to 189 pounds. Instead of jumping right back on the plan, I continued my unhealthy habits. Sometimes. I never went totally off the plan, but I was never hard core with eating healthy. I splurged more often than I should have and worked out less often. Soon I saw 190 pounds. Then 195. Before I knew it I was back at 199 pounds facing that huge dividing line. 200. Yes, I hit 200 and kept going. Still vowing to get it under control...I was trying ya know. My attempt was just half hearted. 205 came and then 208. I started a competition with a friend when I weighed 208.8...a few short months ago. I was still only half heartedly working on this...yet trying to convince myself and the world that I had my food addiction under control. The scales said something different. Last Saturday I stepped on the scales and saw 217. Yes, that is still just about 100 pounds from where I first started...but that is also almost 40 stinkin' pounds from where I was a year ago. That is not cool but what is totally not acceptable is the fact that I've been lying to myself and skirting the truth. I messed up. I'm happy to say that in the last week I've dropped and my weight was exactly 210.0 this morning! Yes, I've done really well this week!

That is all the half truths that I can think of from my most recent entries that I can think that need to be set straight. And as hard as it has been to admit...I feel better for it.