OUCH

Exercised last night with the new Biggest Loser workout dvd. I've had the first one for some time and have used it....and liked it. So I was anxious to get the second one and use it. Last night was the big night! I chose about 50 minutes of stuff. Made it through the whole way through. Felt good, yep...worked up a bit of a sweat. Life was good. Wondered if it was really doing much....although I could feel it a bit during the squats and lunges. HOWEVER...today...eii yii yiii...sore sore sore! When I did it last night I didn't have my handweights handy so my arms didn't get the workout that they should have. SOOO tonight I worked out my core and arms!

Struggling right now...I really want to eat but have no points left! I've gone over by one point...however I did earn 2 AP's today (not many becaue 20 minutes of cardio...mod intensity and 20 minutes of weights....) I'll make it though...it's 9:30. Todd and i are going to head to bed to watch a movie in about 25 minutes!

Ate pretty good. Healthy stuff. I tried to curb my hunger about an hour or two ago by eating a clementine (actually 2....one point). It didn't work....I ended up eating a 100 calorie pack here a little bit ago. I'm proud that I tried the fruit first though!

Mental picture worth a thousand...

Tonight after dinner I was cleaning up the leftovers. I had decided to throw away what we weren't eating as it was something that wouldn't hold well...and neither of us would actually eat. SOOO....Todd had left and gone back to work and I found myself with the pan in my hand with a spoon greedily eating what was left in the pan. THe whole time I was standing over the garbage can poised to dump the contents. I was berating myself the whole time to dump the stupid contents....and I eventually did....but not before eating what probably amounted to an extra portion. Accckkk...where did my self control go???

Mental picture worth a thousand...

Whew!!!

I haven't eaten too utterly badly the last two days. BUT, I could have eaten better. Yes, I give myself a little leeway after my weigh in to eat 'what I want' and get it out of my system. However, today I kept mentally berating myself saying things like, "you would lose faster if you dind't do that" and "You sabataged this weeks weigh in....you may as well quit for this week". I know I need to break from that attitude. This diet/lifestyle is a change in how I think and how I eat and how I live my life. I REFUSE to deprive myself. I need to stop beating myself up for having those foods that I really love everyonce in a while. I need to keep telling myself that I'm not indulging very often and that when I do that it is not going to through my weight loss in a tail spin. The only thing that will throw it into a tailspin is if I do it ALL the time....and constantly!

That said...I was exercising earlier tonight (ok, I finally rolled myself into the living room and exercised at 9:15...just got done....it's 10:15.) and as I was exercising it came to me that all my XL clothes are starting to fit loosely! Inconceivable to me. Literally inconceivable. This from the girl that was wearing 3X clothes...some of which were tight! My mind is just having difficulty really accepting this. I know I've babbled about it a lot lately...it is just so mind boggling for me.

A New YEAR!

I can't wait to see where this year will take me in my weight loss journey! I plan on being at goal before the year is out! That is roughly 50 pounds! Well, that 50 pounds would take me to the top end of my my goal weight. I'm actually shooting for 60 pounds! I'm happy to say that this week I was able to lose 4.6 pounds! I've actually once again recouped my gain! This makes it the third time that I've lost these three pounds in a month! Lost...gained...lost...gained...and now lost again...WITH an extra pound lost! I refuse to gain those pounds again! PLUS, I'm 8.6 pounds away from being 200 pounds. Onderland is right around the corner!!!! I'm so close that I can taste it! Well...maybe I shouldn't use a food analogy! tee hee hee

Seriously though, I'm excited to see what this new year brings in my weight loss journey! I'm excited yet frightened. I was walking through the mall today and stopped in the clothing section. I was actually frightened of shopping. I know that my pants size is a solid 18..but that I can wear some 16's. However I was fingering the tops and this incredible feeling overcame me. I have no clue what size I am on the top. THEN it hit me. I was in the womens sizes....the fat ladies clothes. I've shopped there for so long (since I was about 13) that I dont' know anything else. I looked toward the 'regular' sizes but just couldn't make myself walk over. Yes, I know, I should have danced my way across that aisle and marched into that section because yes, I can wear a straight up xl now....and in some cases a Large. I didn't go. Maybe it was nostalgia. I think honestly it is fear of the unknown.

It just hit me....I need to stop thinking like a 'fat' girl. Yes, I've been overweight for more years than I care to admit. But I'm losing it....for the first time since I was in EARLY high school, I'm ready to shop (almost in some cases) ANYWHERE my heart desires. And sadly, I feel like an imposter. That's the best way to put it....an imposter. I couldn't go over into the normal sizes because I still think fat!

Success and Failure

I've decided to look back at this past year. Today I want to go back and read all my entries. That would be one year of triumphs and occaisional failures in this weight loss journey that I have undertaken. On the surface I can say that I was hoping to reach my goal weight this year. By my birthday do be exact. It would have meant that I had to lose a consistent 2 pounds per week. I was actually doing good UNTIL April. And at that point I struggled...and even gained some. I was actually staying pretty close to the 2 pounds per week once I joined weight watchers until the holidays hit. I'm hoping and praying to get back to that now that the holiday season is over. Yes, it is technically over for me. Todd and I are not partiying or anything spectacular tonight. We'll stay at home for a nice quiet evening.

I started the year 2006 weighing in at roughly 260 pounds. So for me to be at roughly 210 marks 50 pounds gone. This year of weight loss has really marked a point where I can clearly see a difference in my body. I not only wear clothes that are remarkably smaller (people can clearly see the change when they see me). BUT I can see a difference in how I act and move. Generally speaking, I have more energy and spunk that I'd had in a long time.

Overall, I would say it's been a good year for weight loss. I hope to lose the last 60 in the year 2007. And yes, that is my goal. But just as last year my goal was to lose it all and be at my goal weight (same as this year), that is just a goal. I will be tickled with a substantial loss. I know in my heart that if I end the year 2007 and can say that I didn't lose 60...BUT I lost 40 or 30, that I'll be happy because I lost. I have some BIG celebrations coming up. The first will be that when I hit 199.9, I will be in ONEDERLAND! According to most BMI calculaters...when I hit 197, I will no longer be considered obese, I will merely be overweight. (No, being overweight is not my goal...I want to be 'healthy weight'...but not being considered obese....I can't even imagine). AND third but not last, when I hit 195 I will hit the 100 pounds lost mark! HUGE HUGE HUGE stuff!
BUt, even though I'm dying to get to those spots this is not a race...this is my life! I'll get there when I get there. In the meantime, I'm going to keep plugging along at it!

What the Hell???

I've been soo good this week. I've worked out...I've eaten healthy...counted points...haven't gone over points....have lots of flex points left. So imagine my surprise when I got on the scales at the gym and find that I'm the exact same weight as I was the other day! Come now.....that's crazy! I'm trying not to let it upset me though! I need to just stay focused. If I do, even if I don't lose this week, I will lose the next week...or the week after that! It WILL come off!

At least I'm laughing!

Wow...does that weight ever come on fast! One week and I was up 3.6 pounds! Yes, as the subject line alludes to, I am laughing about it. I'm planning on getting it off pretty fast. This is the same weight that has been coming and going for the last month and a half! I don't know...looking at it realistically, I know I ate and nibbled for Christmas...and if I want to be honest with myself for a day or so before Christmas! I got back from my parents on Christmas night and I was not upset with m yself for nibbling...I was satisfied. Not happy that I did it...but willing to face the consequences. I also knew that I needed to get myself back on track. SOOOOOOOOoooooooo, I threw away all the cookies and candies at the house...well, I threw away the ones that I liked! So my house is christmas goody cleaned up! And, I've been pretty much on plan the last few days!

Now....at the risk of making excuses....I had the monthly ick during my weigh in...and I hadn't been drinking my water. Sooooo maybe the weight gain wasn't as bad as it looked. No way of knowing though...so I'm just gonna take it and run!

Crazy enough, after and even during my binge...my focus and motivation skyrocketed! Crazy! I would have though while I was eating on Christmas day that I would have been all, "yummm....I can't wait until tomorrow when I can have some more". That's not how it was! YIPPEE! I was more like, "enjoy it today...because tomorrow you will not". AND, I've not craved it...it was almost as if my body said thank you for the treat but I'm done! Ok, yes, maybe I'm the crazy one! tee hee hee

I sound like a broken record!

Yes, at the risk of sounding like a broken record I'll say it. I'm not going to have a good weigh in tonight. Nope. Not at all. I actually think I gained about 3 pounds. I had said anything under 5 pounds and I'd be a happy girl! I'm not going to be happy to lose that weight again. However, I feel like I would have been denying myself if I wouldn't have given in and allowed myself anything. The problem was, yesterday I was there in the kitchen and I nibbled and nibbled. Mom had the goodies OUT and in plan view on the table. Not her fault...I should be able to resist.

I'm very lucky though. While I was eating, I knew that on Tuesday, I would be jumping right on the wagon and going full fledged with this eating thing again. Even as I shoveled in food (ok, it wasn't that bad.......nibbled on food) I knew that it would be a different story on Tuesday and everyday thereafter. So, how has Tuesday gone thus far. GREAT! I've eaten responsibly and made it to the gym for a great workout this morning!

I think the big thing was that I realized that I could wear another pair of pants from the 'not yet' drawer! So all day yesterday I was wearing something that previously was too small. It fit...COMFORTABLY! That is such a great feeling! And it helped me mentally be ready to and looking forward to getting back on task! The other thing is that I'm getting ready to help lead this summer weight loss challenge. SO I know that I'll be thinking about weight loss a lot!

I'm going going to take this weigh in tonight, file it and come back in the next weeks and regroup, relose and get back to the losing life!

Merry Christmas!

I gave myself a free day today. I've greatly enjoyed the food that I have eaten. Yes, I've eaten more than I should have. Do I feel guilty....nope. I do however feel ready to get back up tomorrow and really work to get some more of this weight off. No, I'm not looking forward to the scales tomorrow....but I would be expecting a maintain or gain anyway...TOM Quite honestly, I'm looking foward to eating healthy. What a surprise for me.

Something that I did today to help me motivate myself...even though I was having a free day. I routed through my 'ready for you' clothes. (this is clothes that have been given to me, or that I've bought at Goodwill in the next size down). I found a pair of jeans...that I could wear...comfortably actually. And I wore them....knowing in my head that I was wearing a pair of jeans that one month ago I couldn't...and a size lower. I'm slowly fitting into more 16's!!! I'll make it to the point that I can wear ANY 16!

I've been part of a Christmas challenge. I was hoping and aiming to be in onederland (199.9 or less) by Christmas. I'm not at all upset about the fact that I didn't make my goal. I tried pretty hard...and I actually dropped more than 20 pounds during the challenge...pretty good. I am goign to be part of another challenge......which will run from January until the first day of summer June 21. This is a pretty long goal. I'm thinking about setting 40 as my goal to lose. That will put me at 170 pounds! That's roughly 1.3 pounds a week. Tough, absolutely. Doable? Yes! I'd rather aim high! I know that I won't be upset if I dont' make it. I'll be happy if I've at least made a considerable effort in getting to my goal!

Holding on!

Ahhhh Christmas cookies! I was so proud of myself the other night when I made all those cookies and yummy stuff and didn't eat any of them. I put up a mental block within and didn't eat any more of my cookies. (some of the cookie gift packages are still in my kitchen...untouched). HOWEVER, I got some gifts today from my work...cookies and goodies. YEP, I've partaken! ARRGGHHH! But, oh my word, they taste soooooooo good! I've got to mentally slap my wrists and stop this! I need to keep telling myself I'm only 9 pounds away from onederland! 9 measely pounds! This is sooo in my reach that I can taste it!

I got rid of my next size up though, so I have NOWHERE to grow into! On the otherhand, I've got a plethera of the next size down in clothes! MOTIVATION and WILLPOWER, where are you?

I did it!

I'm amazed some weeks. It seems like lately I come on a day or so after my weigh in and I'm like...somehow from somewhere I pulled a loss! Well, it happened again. 1.6 down! Yes, I'm working for it. But admitedly, I slacked a little....ate more of my flex points than I normally do.......amazing!

On that same note...I've already blown 11 flex points for this week also. That's a lot for me...I usually only use 5 per WEEK!

Made about 6 different kinds of cookies tonight. Ate about 2 cookies worth of Chocolate Chip cookie dough... (yes, I know we aren't supposed to eat raw dough anymoer...but heck, I've been doing it since I was just a wee thing...I see no reason to stop now). Anyway, only about two cookies worth of dough. No other snitches...I didn't 'test' the cookies as they came out! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! I saved out about 2-3 of each cookie for my husband. I saved abou 5 or 6 of the 1 point pumpkin cookie (spice cake mix, can of pumpkin, and 1/3 cup water...add 2/3 cup water and you can do muffins...but cookies are fine also..they are a very 'caky' cookie). But I saved a few one pointers for me for a snack for the next few days. AND with the rest of the cookies....I packed them up in gift packages....ready to go! The name tags and bows are on them! They are as good as out the door! (Nope...I won't cheat because each package is 'artfully' arranged and to snitch a cookie would mess up the 'prettiness' of the package!

Tickled because I was able to buy myself a pair of pants (lounging flannel pants) at an everyday overstock store ($5....really good deal)! This may not seem exciting...but for a big girl whose options are usually pretty limited as to where she can buy her clothes.....just walking through the clothes area and being able to actually find something that fits is pretty amazing. EVen more amazing...I on a whim bought the xl. I thought that they would be tight but I would 'grow' into them. Well, I tried them on...they are loose. Now don't get me wrong....not loose as in I should be wearing a large...but loose as in comfy!

Going to my work christmas party/dinner tomorrow night so I'm planning my low point breakfast and lunch!

Lately I've been really melancholy. I've just felt like crying...A LOT of the time! Don't know what's up with that. My husband freaks out because he wants to know why I'm crying...or feeling sad. I honestly can't tell him why....I'm just sad. I do think it's because right now we seem to be under a lot of stress...but that usually doesn't make me feel sad and teary! Nope...not eating like a mad woman because of it either!

Another week!

I've been really struggling this week. I've used more flex points then I have ever used. I know, I know...they are there for me to use, Use them. However, that combined with my lower exercise levels. I just don't know what's happening to me. I've had a few nights of not being able to sleep and a few other nights of nightmares. Fun fun fun.

According to my scales, I've maintained though. We'll see how it goes tonight!

Another week!

I've been really struggling this week. I've used more flex points then I have ever used. I know, I know...they are there for me to use, Use them. However, that combined with my lower exercise levels. I just don't know what's happening to me. I've had a few nights of not being able to sleep and a few other nights of nightmares. Fun fun fun.

According to my scales, I've maintained though. We'll see how it goes tonight!

Somehow!

Somehow, from somewhere, I pulled out a 2.8 loss. This puts me at the exact weight that I went into my thanksgiving vacation at.....before I temporarily lost control!

Meanwhile, today at work I was so bored that I literally fell asleep! Uhhh, I'm a boredom eater! I ate 16 points EXTRA in mindless eating at work alone! Yes, that was 16 points! Luckily I did have 5 points extra (I was saving it to have a weight watchers dessert cup during The Biggest Loser tonight) and I was able to change my 12 point dinner into a 5 point dinner (yay zero point veggies!). I had already planned to go to the gym...I just did more cardio than weights and earned 6 points.....so I evened myself out at least. But I can't be doing that!

Better luck tomorrow!

Waiting to see the damage!

Yes, I'm waiting to see the damage. Last week I gained 2.2 pounds. Which means in the last two weigh ins combined I've gaiend 2.8 pounds. Not life ending...but still something I DON'T want to happen. So I set myself on a course to get back to where I'm need to be. I feel as if I've done pretty good this week. I stayed on task. I journalled everything...even the bad stuff that I ate. And yes, I did eat bad stuff. I celebrated my birthday this week. I didn't eat cake, instead I chose to have ice cream. I'm not talking about run of the mill boring ice cream. I'm talking about an icecream shop where they make EVERYTHING from scratch.....using all natural ingredients. Eating this ice cream is darn near orgasmic. I totally enjoyed it....it was WELL worth the points. The good thing...this fabulous ice cream shop is about 1.5 hours away...and in a place where we usually do a heck of a lot of walking! (3-4 hours). SOOOOO Hopefully the walking negated the icecream.

I'm thinking that I actually may have lowered my numbers a little bit. I was originally aiming to lose the whole 2.8 pounds this week...I'll be happy with 2.....(according to the gym scales, that may be what I did too). I don't know!

Back on Track

Yes, I'm back on track. Really what it boils down to is I'm actually journalling and not just saying...'oops, I'm over'. I decided one of the big things I would do would be to write down EVERYTHING....and count EVERYTHING...even if I know that I went over. First, knowing that I'm going to write it down anyway makes me be good. And, I'm finding it is not too overly difficult to actually get it back under control. What I'm struggling with is the "bites, licks and tastes". But, yes, I'm adding those in also!

I also think that I needed a 'bad week' to really refocus myself. I mean, the week before I had gained .6 pounds. That's pretty much nothing. In all honesty, to me that is the difference in clothes....or maybe a trip to the bathroom. So it was way to easy to overlook as a gain. Not so for a 2.2 pound gain. I can't over look it. Yes, I know that I was probably retaining water (I hadn't been drinking properly) but that is an excuse and I know the other part of it is that I ate poorly that week. I could have kept overlooking .6 pounds week after week. And eventually I would have found that I had slowly gained back the weight. I needed that shot in the arm of a 'big' weight gain to get me back on track! :-)

Weigh In Results

Ok, I'm up 2.2 pounds. I want to scream in frustration. However, I refuse to. I know I did it to myself. I didn't watch what I was eating.....I didn't watch portion sizes....and thereby, I didn't journal. I am 100% at fault!

I'm recommitted though. I have done pretty good thus far today. I actually will have enough for a Weight Watchers fudge bar. Yes,I've had stuff like that in the past week...however I never had the points for it. Today, I actually have the points to really allow to eat it! So, I'm not doing too badly. AND, my water intake is where it needs to be today!

Struggling

I'm so struggling with this 'eating/lifestyle' change thing. As I said, I made better choices on my vacation...but still ate too much and some choices that were not the best. I came home and I am 100% determined to stay with this and do it. It was working so well for me before the vacation. AND I had a friend give me some clothes while I was on vacation (she is also losing weight and has outgrown the clothes...so she passed them on to me). Some of the clothes are too small, there are a few that are just a little tight and then I have some that are just right. I was wearing some and I noticed last night that they are actualy a size LARGE! There was no x in front of that word. Let alone 2X. I was pretty tickled. SO I know what I've done is working. However, my willpower after vacation just seems to have vanished! I forced myself to get up and exercise first thing in the morning. I'm hoping that if I have in the back of my mind that I already exercised, that it will help me 'remember' that I should turn some of the bad stuff down! I know I can do it. I want it. I just need to get my head back into sync with my heart!

vacation

Well, vacation/holiday has come and gone. We spent about 12 days visiting friends and family (away from home the whole time). I started the time with some rough eating experiences (eating too much) but exercised my heart out. I was pretty religious about exercising while I was away...but just ate way too much. I did chose some healthier options.....and only once felt stuffed. BUT, I know I didn't chose as wisely as I could have! The end result.......I gained .6 pounds. Not too shabby...especially since knowing that the 'ick' (TOM) is just departing!

Now to just make it through all the birthdays and Christmas!