My weight was dropping and all was good....and then I had two carb laden days and my weight has jumped again. No problemo though. I know what to do to get it back in line.

Sooo I've been MIA on my blog for the last few days. Why? Well, it's canning season. For the last three nights I've canned green beans...with more to do in the VERY near future. (We've only picked maybe a third of them...if that, so we've got a good deal more to do this week). Soo I work my 8 hours and then I pick and can around my time at work. Even more, I've been rollin' out the pickles and the relish and the jellies too. So I've been just incredibly busy. Haven't give up though..this weight WILL come off. I'm goign to try to plan a little better. During canning season I tend to gravitate toward the easy to fix meals...which sadly enough tend to be higher calorie/fat/carbs...one or all of the above actually. :-)

Exercise. On sunday Todd and I threw the bikes on the car and drove half way to harpers ferry. We jumped onto our bikes and rode the canal the rest of the way to harpers ferry. We would have ridden the whole thing (about15 miles one way...so a 30 mile round trip) except that todd hasn't spent much time on his bike this year and I have been quite lax about riding the last month or so. Sooo I was nervouse about it. But I had not problem at all. My legs felt fine. I guess the constant standing an dmovement with canning is at least keeping my muscles limber. So anyway, we rode to Harpers Ferry locked up our bikes and walked across the bridge. We ate lunch in HF and walked around a little bit...looked in some stores, that sort of thing and then mosied back to the bikes and rode back to the car. It felt good to get out and do something. I think we are planning on doing something similar on Sunday. Although we are talking about taking a picnic lunch with us on the bikes and doing a ride somewhere. We'll have to see. :-)

day two for one thing and 57 left for another

57 days till my next bike event. Uhhh yeah, maybe if I keep writing this I'll actually get my butt onto the seat of my bike and ride! :-)

Yesterday evening I stayed right where I needed to be with my eating and I feel good about what I did. Today is a new day and I'm determined to make today a success also. Howver, I already talked myself out of exercise this morning. On the flip side, I did go out for about an hour and picked raspberries. Does that count for anything???? So anyway, I'm working on day two of being back on track. Tonight, after dinner and after those raspberries are all attended to (preserved, canned, frozen, whatever the mood strikes me to do) I need to move the ironing board in the bedroom. It's blocking the exercise bike...and it was piled with all the work clothes I've worn this week. this morning when I needed to iron, I just pushed all those clothes (which honestly need to make it to the laundry basket) onto the seat of the bike. Uhhhhh no wonder I didn't ride. I can't get to the bike, and if I could it's piled up! Ahhh good times.

Good times...Lil' Mertz (otherwise known as baby kitty) is doing really well. She's playful and growing like a weed. Todd calls her the poop machine as she eats and eats and well...that creates the poop. She's somehow learned the instinctive attack...you know where a cat crouches down and shakes their butt in anticipation. She's doing really good. She goes back to the vet for her shots next week! She 'lives' in our master bath but LOVES to come out to plan with the other cats. the only problem...she wants to explore and is QUICK...so she can get away from us quickly. Today I had her on the bed with me and before I could even call out a warning, she had run across the bed and jumped off. Litle wily thing that she is. So yes, my new baby is doing well. On the flip side....she's 'locked up' in that bathroom so much, that I pull her out every chance I can get...and that takes time....time away from exercise and whatnot!

It's been a few days. I'm still with it. Still struggling. Honestly I'm disgusted with myself for having to write that again and again! I've sat down and figured out every bite that I'm eating today...and I'm going to stick to the plan! I've already exercised today, so that's a plus. I'm going to focus on one day. Today. I know in my mind that the first day is the worst and that each day it will get just a bit easier. So I'm going to focus on today being that day that it all starts. ANd I look forward to tomorrow where hopefully it does get easier. :-)

I should be super motivated as my friend that i'm competition with has told me that she is looking at showing a loss. She peeked on the scales this morning and it was looking good. I haven't peeked....so I've no idea how I've been doing. That scares me a bit. I like knowing. Tomorrow I just may have to say "lets not worry about 'lil mertz and just go about my normal daily routine." That's easier said than done though as she afixes her little cute eyes upon me and I just can't resist playing with here...and then it puts me out of my routine...and I forget to weigh."

I did push myself and exercise today. Let me tell you, it was ROUGH. No...not the muscles. Not the pain. I didn't experience anything like that. What was rough was the one and a half hours that I laid in bed reading.....THINKING about exercising. Dreading it. Trying to talk myself out of it! But i didn't. I got up and got on that exercise bike.(Come now, you didn't expect me to actually drag the bike off the porch and put on helmets and stuff like that and actually leave the house did you?) HOpefully that gets easier each day also...because I really do want to get myself back into good riding shape.

Speaking of riding. 58 days until my Thurmont ride!! WOO HOOOOO That alone should push me to ride ride ride!

Game on!

I'm highly competative. Last summer I rode my exercise bike and walked like a madwoman. WHy? Because there was a competition out here in blog world that was giving away a new pair of sneakers. I rode and rode and rode. I walked and then walked some more. I kept detailed records of how long and how much. And when it was all over, I received my new pair of tennis shoes because I had won! I do not like to lose!

SOOOOO last night when a friend talked about coming to visit in September and threw in there tht she hoped to be down 10 pounds by then, I couldn't help but throw down the gauntlet. 10 pounds you say? Well, the person that loses the most is the winner...and the other person must buy the winner an article of clothing that costs between 20 and 30 bucks. (basically under $30!) Ohhhh game on! I can so do this! SOOO tomorrow morning I get my morning start weight and I'll be off and running! (well, off and biking)

You see, that's the other thing. I was biking so regulalry. But after the June ride in Lancaster, I kinda fell off the bicycle bandwagon. Not that I dont'want to ride...I just don't feel like moving at all. But that has to change. I've got 2 months left until my next ride! (which incidentally will be the same week that my friend comes to visit!)

So it's game on. NO more dilly dallying around. Today, has been a slow day at work (REAL slow). I'm toying with the idea of going back to weight watcher meetings. Financially I shouldn't...but that weekly meeting really is something that I feel I need! I'm happy counting my calories and all that..but.....who knows.

GREAT read!

I had a friend forward this article to me this morning......this is a definite must read!

I've known for a while that I've been sabotaging my weight loss efforts. But I think it boils down to how to stop. And I think this article just lays it right out on the line!

*********************

In other news, my weekend was busy. I spent time with my brother and family. On sunday and Monday I ended up just not feeling right. I had no energy a terrible and could barely keep my eyes open. I do feel fine today. So I delayed my 'definitely going to start exercising religiously on Monday' until today. And I did it. 1 hour in on the exercise bike! I wasn't happy with my weight. It's up there. But I'm confident that I can face my demons and my fears and get it back down!

I just feel bloated and icky! I don't know why...other than the fact that my bodyjust doesn't like this extra weight. But I faced up to the scales regardless this morning and found, much to my surprise that I was down some on the scales. (like really down...but hey who's complaining).

Gotta get away from eating cold cereal for a while. I don't do to badly with special k if I have a banana to add to the mix...but without, it just doesn't stick to me! But until I get the bananas, I think I'll be going back to oatmeal for a while.

I'm going to make tortilla cups tonight after work. Todd asked for them for the get-together this weekend, so I'm going to run to the store and I'll make them. Well, maybe I'll make the filling tonight and bake the shells tonight but put them together tomorrow evening when we get home. That way there is less chance of them getting soft AND storage issues won't be that big of a problem!

Happy middle of the year 2009!!! And happy july first!

Our food choices really do affect how our days progress each day. I know this. This should not come as a huge surprise. SO why then am I sitting here amazed and awed by this revelation today. Let me start at the beginning. The last time I went to the grocery store I had a really really good coupon for fruit loops. Now I loved fruit loops as a kid. So I looked at them and realized that the fruit loops with the coupon and with the store price (they were on sale) were going to cost me less than fifty cents for the whole box (the small box). So I looked at the calorie count and figured that the calories were not that far off of my normal breakfast foods. I bought a small box and commenced with the enjoyment of one of my favorite childhood cereals. Looking back, I can tell that I noticed that I was hungry for lunch earlier. Breakfast was just not holding me over. But it wasn't until today...the last day of the cereal incidentally that I realized what was happening. I slept late (this kitty stuff makes one tired...more on kitty later). I actually didn't eat breakfast until about 2-3 hours later than normal (8:30 instead of roughly 6). So I come to work. I should not have been hungry at all.....yet by 10 I found myself thinking about food! WHY???? What could it be??? Ohhhh hoooo......sugar! My cereal first of all has no or very little nutritious value but it's high in sugar content! It's not fueling my body as it needs...so my body was looking for food that WOULD fuel it! I know this....yet I'm in awe of this news. Our food choices really do make a difference. And no fears...I've had lots of fruits and veggies for lunch!!!

Baby Kitty is doing well. Stubborn little cuss though. She will eat on her own (without us coaxing her to try it) off of her plate...but ONLY if she's out of her cage and we are there with her. She will not eat if she's in her cage alone. Go figure. But, we are happy knowing that she's just about there in the weening process!

Didn't weigh myself....the sleeping in thing really threw me off course. Exercise....arrrghhhhh I need to get my butt into gear! I will turn this ship around and the second half of the year is going to be my year to shine in the weight loss arena!

Weight pretty much remained the same....so nothing much to report. I kept my eating under control yesterday, so all is well. The weight will drop when it's meant to drop. All I have to do is keep doing right.

I do have to get into gear with my exercise. Exercise has been woefully missing from my daily routine. I haven't been on a bike in...ohhh a week? A week and a half??? It's been a while! Nothing else either! I've been sooo bad!!!! I need to get that into gear!!!

What's the rush with losing weight? Why do we want to lose it so fast? Yeah yeah yeah, I know...I can't wait to get to my goal weight and feel free to spend money on clothes that I know I will be wearing long term. I can't wait to not worry about losing. BUT....on the other hand....this is a LIFETIME commitment! So big woop, I get to my weight loss goal quickly...it's not going to change a single solitary thing. I will still need to watch what I eat. I will still need to exercise on a consistent basis. Nothing will change. The only thing that changes is my external features. So what's the hurry? I'll sit back, doing what's right (eating healthy, exercising) and the weight will come off at the RIGHT pace.

I've actually done not to badly with my eating over the last few days. I've been happy with my choices. All is looking good. I did skimp on my veggie intake yesterday. But overall, I feel as if I didn't do too badly. My problem yesterday...lack of water! Oh my word....low low water in take. Like non-existent! I knew taht my weight would be up this morning..and it was 1 pound. I expected it...and I'm drinking up...so I hope to pee that pound away today!

I'm determined to keep my eating in line today. The stress is mounting again. ARRGGHHH Yes, todd called me with some potentially damaging information. Information that could uproot our lives as we know it. It's nerve wracking!!!

Talked myself out of exercising again this morning. I'm such a putz!!

I was so bad this morning. I woke up at 5:30 and I laid in bed thinking, "at 6, I'm getting up and I'm going out for a ride on the roads.....a hilly ride". I laid in bed until 6. 6 passed, at about 6:20 I rolled out of bed and said to myself, "7.....7 is a good time for a bike ride" At 7 decided taht a ride on the exercise bike at 7:30 sounded like a really good idea. At 8:30, with still no ride completed, I got in the shower to get ready to come to work...I was going to ride to work though ya know." Did I ride? Heck no!! I drove my car! So bad......and utterly sad isn't it????


I have put in my food intake for the whole day...tis all tracked and calculated...so i'm on target with that! At least one thing is working.

Last night....well, I ended up eating a pb&j at around 8 or 9 PM because I was so hungry! Whew I just calculated and I wasn't that far over my calories today.

Arrgghh, I just had a blueberry muffin that a customer brought in...arrggghhhh What is wrong with me??? I can say stressed...because of the morning I've had...but no, it just smelled heavenly....warm and hot from the oven!

Report card first. Weight is down this morning! WOO HOOO! I've calculated my food for the day and I'm good! (even including dinner). Yeah, I may be a bit high on my sodium intake today...but I'm not going to stress over that because everything else looks pretty good. :-)

The other night Todd was flipping through the channels and for some reason stopped on a show about morbidly obese people. We are talking half ton sized people! It was saddening to see the shape that these poor people were in. They had one guy that the whole fire department was there trying to get him out of his bed and to the hospital. After much work they tried to take him through the door...the put straps around him and tried to pull the fat in tight to squeeze him through the door. That wasn't enough. The literally ended up tearing out walls in his house! I want to say how does one get to that point?? But in the same breath say, "I was on my way...I was 315 pounds! My saving grace is that even at that weight I was still quite mobile and somewhat active." But where is that line from obese to being in dire straits? That line of where you are overweight/obese and then voila, you are stuck in your room, with 10-15 muscled men trying to get you not only out of your bed but out of your room (hey, I kinda like the thought of the 10-15 muscled men in my bed!!!...ok, I'm sorry this is a serious paragraph)? There has to be a line. And how does one cross it without realizing that the are in some serious trouble?????

So if you've read this far, you're probably wondering what deep thought that paragraph was leading up to? Well, have I got a surprise for you....NOTHING! Just random thought flitting through my head. tee hee hee

CAT!

fredwina, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, this is the little cat. It is a female...and we have a few small health issues (ear mites, etc etc etc). Yes, that is camera cap on the ground beside her to show how tiny she really is!!!!!

The plan is to nurse her to health and get her weened and then we will be trying to find her a home. We have 4 cats as it is...and 5 is too many. However she will make a sweet sweet cat as we are raising her from such a young age!!! Crossing our fingers and praying that she makes it!

kitten

kitten, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

kitty

kitty, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Don't know how much I weigh. I forgot to weigh myself this morning. Honest engine, I did. It was not a i forgot moment. I really did forget. You see, I awoke at 4AM...during the hustle of the 4am feeding of the kitty and I never got back to sleep. So my whole morning was shot to smithereens! (routine wise)

Kitty? Did someone say kitty????? Why yes I did. A little TINY kitten was dumped at our business yesterday (ok, we found it yesterday). 8 ounces. Tiny but active little cuss. Feedings every 4 hours.

Back to me....after being a sluggard for 4 days with no exercise...I got a ride in yesterday. AND I forced it upon myself this morning. I have to keep telling myself that it DOES get easier the more I do it. Not easier as in muscle wise....yesterday and today didn't bother me....I felt great. I'm talking easier motivation wise!!!

Head aches now though!!! ARRGGGHHH

Yep, should have listened to everyone that said get rid of the fig newtons! Well, I guess I did get rid of them. Hardy har har! Lets not talk about them any longer.

Today thus far, I'm doing very well with my eating. I'm watching and I'm right on track! And I swear, there will be NO after dinner snacks. None! Nada!! Zilch!

The end. I can't think of anything meaningful to say today. And everyone knows that I would never continue to write and talk just because I like to hear myself babble! I mean, never would I do something like that. I am one of these people that says what I need to say in the most succinct and concise manner and then stop. Verbal vomit?? Nope, that can't describe me! tee hee hee

Ok, I will stop now, my fingers hurt from typing!

open and honest

My plan today was to sit down and actually think about what scares me about shedding all of my fat suit of armor that I wear. What is causing me to sabatage my efforts. Yeah, I'm addicted to food and yeah, I really like food. But I am ultimately in control and I have learned how to say no and control those urges. So why am I now sturggling with seemingly no determination.

Sooo my first list is a list of answers to these questions: What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to lose the weight? Why do I think I'm not worth it?

*for the sake of privacy one or two have been deleted and found only in my private journal, which is where I originally created this list**
1. I'm afraid to shed my fat suit and thereby allow my own personality to shine. I've hidden behind this fat for so long that I don't know who the real MF is anymore.
2. If I shed the fat suit, I will not be able to use my fatness as an excuse for any failures. I use my fat as an excuse when things don't go my way, it's easire than accepting responbility.
3. My fat suit allows me to live in my own insulated world. A world in which I don't have to take chances or step outside of my comfort zone. (chances and risks open me up for failure and failure scares me).
4. Lowing the weight and being a total success puts me at a greater risk of failure (should I gain it back)
5. I never dated much before my husband~~I guess in my mind that I feel that I wasn't worthwhile to date. Therefore I don't think that I'm worthwhile to invest this time and energy into myself!

Reasons why I am worth it!

1. I'm a child of God and was wonderfully and individually created.
2. I liked the person that I was before I put on the fat suit and before the fat suit started draining my personality. I was fun and goofy, but it suited me.
3. Success is not possible without the expenditure of risk.
4. Deep down under all these layers of fat a butterfly awaits to emerge from it's cacoon. While life may not turn around and it will definitely still have stress involved, it will be beautiful simply because I deserve success.

By golly, I just deserve it. Plain and simple. No one should ever have to live in a fat suit!

Now for the hardest list: Things I like about myself:

1. I do not cheat and lie (well, except while playing monopoly)
2. I'm a great baker and a pretty good cook.
3. I'm trustworthy and reliable.
4. Good friend
5. body part I like? My legs....the muscles are pretty well defined
6. I'm smart darn it. I've buried it under my fat so as to not stand out, but I've got a brain and a rather high IQ.

*****************************

Whew...what a soul searching morning.

Didn't exercise today. But I have laid out my eating plans for the day. And I have my plan and I'm sticking to it come hell or high water. (oh wait, bad analogy....because it is raining again!...go figure!)

I didn't weigh myself today. Quite honestly, I forgot.

Speaking of honest. Yeah, I can pat myself on the back and say, "Way to go MF, you rode your bike to work yesterday. Great exercise." and "Great job MF, you resisted the cupcakes at work yesterday." But in all honesty, yesterday was a colossal failure. Well at least after work. I got home and hit up the comfort foods. Cocoa, homemade bread, fig newtons, ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, oh wait, lets not forget the 100 cal pack of fudge stripes (at least it was only 100 cal pack...because if it would have been a complete package of open fudge stripes, yeah, they would have all been gone!) Oh wait, did I say that this was all between 6 and 9PM!

If you haven't already read this post by Cara, I recommend reading it! It had me shaking my head in agreement and really thinking!

Deep thoughts and a few tears

It's like I have no control over my choices. I know that sounds really lame and actually quite stupid. Because I know that I have all the control over my success, however I feel helpless and out of control right now. I think that about sums up my life right now. I feel totally out of control of EVERYTHING. It's like I'm grabbing for the reigns (in lots of aspects of my life) and they keep slipping out of my reach. I'm a control freak. I like to be planned. I make my lists and check them twice. I like to know. But some of these things are totally out of my hands. There isn't much I can do. I can't single-handedly bring back the economy and make people want to spend money on luxury things. (ie recording time at a recording studio). I can't make other problems disappear. Health issues? I can't do anything about these either. We eat right and exercise...and while that's been a huge help in our health there are other issues at play. I can only pray and have peace that all will be ok with all of these worries and stressors . Easier said than done. But I know that all of this stress and worry is having a really negative impact on my weight loss efforts. First and foremost, I just want to eat my way through the problems. Food long ago became my friend. It's the friend that cheers me up when I'm feeling blue. It's the friend that laughs with me when I'm in a funny mood. It's the friend that celebrates when things are going good. Food is the friend that I look to to enhance each and every mood that my body encounters. As the stress just mounts, I find myself looking more and more to food. I know it has to stop. But once again, easier said than done. How does one stop? How does one break that chain, that hold that food has over me? Because quite honestly, the gained weight and the repeated failures to get the weight off just add to my stress levels. It really is a vicious cycle.

And at this point, food and my fat is the thing that is protecting me from facing the truth about myself and who I am.(ok, stop crying MF, you are sitting here at work...at the drive through window waiting for a customer, you can't be crying here!). I'm afraid to face the truth...what if I don't like what I see? When I first started to lose weight I did and said, "I like myself fat, I dont' need to lose weight for any reason other than my health". But now I'm starting to wonder if that all wasn't a lie. Did I really like myself????

Ok, I really am struggling here....I can't be crying when a car pulls up to the window!!! So I'll leave that topic for a bit.

I rode my bike to work today. I was planning on going home from work and then hopping on the bike and riding (Todd will be at the studio with friends). But then I started thinking about how stupid it would be because I'd just be backtracking. So I rode in this morning. I'll work all day, and when I leave here, I'll leave my backpack with my work clothes here and head home on my bike. Why I'm leaving my backpack? Because even though it's only 2 miles home...I'll be taking the most circuitious path home. Instead of 2 miles, I'm planning on a 15 mile route home. (by way of keedysville the next town/village over if you must know). Weather.com though said mostly sunny with only 10% chance of rain. However when I got to work, a co-worker looked on a different weather site and it said 30% chance of thunderstorms. Ohhh ohhh. Oh well, I may get wet. And if it's bad, I'll bum a ride home tonight. :-)