Don't know how much I weigh. I forgot to weigh myself this morning. Honest engine, I did. It was not a i forgot moment. I really did forget. You see, I awoke at 4AM...during the hustle of the 4am feeding of the kitty and I never got back to sleep. So my whole morning was shot to smithereens! (routine wise)

Kitty? Did someone say kitty????? Why yes I did. A little TINY kitten was dumped at our business yesterday (ok, we found it yesterday). 8 ounces. Tiny but active little cuss. Feedings every 4 hours.

Back to me....after being a sluggard for 4 days with no exercise...I got a ride in yesterday. AND I forced it upon myself this morning. I have to keep telling myself that it DOES get easier the more I do it. Not easier as in muscle wise....yesterday and today didn't bother me....I felt great. I'm talking easier motivation wise!!!

Head aches now though!!! ARRGGGHHH

Yep, should have listened to everyone that said get rid of the fig newtons! Well, I guess I did get rid of them. Hardy har har! Lets not talk about them any longer.

Today thus far, I'm doing very well with my eating. I'm watching and I'm right on track! And I swear, there will be NO after dinner snacks. None! Nada!! Zilch!

The end. I can't think of anything meaningful to say today. And everyone knows that I would never continue to write and talk just because I like to hear myself babble! I mean, never would I do something like that. I am one of these people that says what I need to say in the most succinct and concise manner and then stop. Verbal vomit?? Nope, that can't describe me! tee hee hee

Ok, I will stop now, my fingers hurt from typing!

open and honest

My plan today was to sit down and actually think about what scares me about shedding all of my fat suit of armor that I wear. What is causing me to sabatage my efforts. Yeah, I'm addicted to food and yeah, I really like food. But I am ultimately in control and I have learned how to say no and control those urges. So why am I now sturggling with seemingly no determination.

Sooo my first list is a list of answers to these questions: What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to lose the weight? Why do I think I'm not worth it?

*for the sake of privacy one or two have been deleted and found only in my private journal, which is where I originally created this list**
1. I'm afraid to shed my fat suit and thereby allow my own personality to shine. I've hidden behind this fat for so long that I don't know who the real MF is anymore.
2. If I shed the fat suit, I will not be able to use my fatness as an excuse for any failures. I use my fat as an excuse when things don't go my way, it's easire than accepting responbility.
3. My fat suit allows me to live in my own insulated world. A world in which I don't have to take chances or step outside of my comfort zone. (chances and risks open me up for failure and failure scares me).
4. Lowing the weight and being a total success puts me at a greater risk of failure (should I gain it back)
5. I never dated much before my husband~~I guess in my mind that I feel that I wasn't worthwhile to date. Therefore I don't think that I'm worthwhile to invest this time and energy into myself!

Reasons why I am worth it!

1. I'm a child of God and was wonderfully and individually created.
2. I liked the person that I was before I put on the fat suit and before the fat suit started draining my personality. I was fun and goofy, but it suited me.
3. Success is not possible without the expenditure of risk.
4. Deep down under all these layers of fat a butterfly awaits to emerge from it's cacoon. While life may not turn around and it will definitely still have stress involved, it will be beautiful simply because I deserve success.

By golly, I just deserve it. Plain and simple. No one should ever have to live in a fat suit!

Now for the hardest list: Things I like about myself:

1. I do not cheat and lie (well, except while playing monopoly)
2. I'm a great baker and a pretty good cook.
3. I'm trustworthy and reliable.
4. Good friend
5. body part I like? My legs....the muscles are pretty well defined
6. I'm smart darn it. I've buried it under my fat so as to not stand out, but I've got a brain and a rather high IQ.

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Whew...what a soul searching morning.

Didn't exercise today. But I have laid out my eating plans for the day. And I have my plan and I'm sticking to it come hell or high water. (oh wait, bad analogy....because it is raining again!...go figure!)

I didn't weigh myself today. Quite honestly, I forgot.

Speaking of honest. Yeah, I can pat myself on the back and say, "Way to go MF, you rode your bike to work yesterday. Great exercise." and "Great job MF, you resisted the cupcakes at work yesterday." But in all honesty, yesterday was a colossal failure. Well at least after work. I got home and hit up the comfort foods. Cocoa, homemade bread, fig newtons, ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, oh wait, lets not forget the 100 cal pack of fudge stripes (at least it was only 100 cal pack...because if it would have been a complete package of open fudge stripes, yeah, they would have all been gone!) Oh wait, did I say that this was all between 6 and 9PM!

If you haven't already read this post by Cara, I recommend reading it! It had me shaking my head in agreement and really thinking!

Deep thoughts and a few tears

It's like I have no control over my choices. I know that sounds really lame and actually quite stupid. Because I know that I have all the control over my success, however I feel helpless and out of control right now. I think that about sums up my life right now. I feel totally out of control of EVERYTHING. It's like I'm grabbing for the reigns (in lots of aspects of my life) and they keep slipping out of my reach. I'm a control freak. I like to be planned. I make my lists and check them twice. I like to know. But some of these things are totally out of my hands. There isn't much I can do. I can't single-handedly bring back the economy and make people want to spend money on luxury things. (ie recording time at a recording studio). I can't make other problems disappear. Health issues? I can't do anything about these either. We eat right and exercise...and while that's been a huge help in our health there are other issues at play. I can only pray and have peace that all will be ok with all of these worries and stressors . Easier said than done. But I know that all of this stress and worry is having a really negative impact on my weight loss efforts. First and foremost, I just want to eat my way through the problems. Food long ago became my friend. It's the friend that cheers me up when I'm feeling blue. It's the friend that laughs with me when I'm in a funny mood. It's the friend that celebrates when things are going good. Food is the friend that I look to to enhance each and every mood that my body encounters. As the stress just mounts, I find myself looking more and more to food. I know it has to stop. But once again, easier said than done. How does one stop? How does one break that chain, that hold that food has over me? Because quite honestly, the gained weight and the repeated failures to get the weight off just add to my stress levels. It really is a vicious cycle.

And at this point, food and my fat is the thing that is protecting me from facing the truth about myself and who I am.(ok, stop crying MF, you are sitting here at work...at the drive through window waiting for a customer, you can't be crying here!). I'm afraid to face the truth...what if I don't like what I see? When I first started to lose weight I did and said, "I like myself fat, I dont' need to lose weight for any reason other than my health". But now I'm starting to wonder if that all wasn't a lie. Did I really like myself????

Ok, I really am struggling here....I can't be crying when a car pulls up to the window!!! So I'll leave that topic for a bit.

I rode my bike to work today. I was planning on going home from work and then hopping on the bike and riding (Todd will be at the studio with friends). But then I started thinking about how stupid it would be because I'd just be backtracking. So I rode in this morning. I'll work all day, and when I leave here, I'll leave my backpack with my work clothes here and head home on my bike. Why I'm leaving my backpack? Because even though it's only 2 miles home...I'll be taking the most circuitious path home. Instead of 2 miles, I'm planning on a 15 mile route home. (by way of keedysville the next town/village over if you must know). Weather.com though said mostly sunny with only 10% chance of rain. However when I got to work, a co-worker looked on a different weather site and it said 30% chance of thunderstorms. Ohhh ohhh. Oh well, I may get wet. And if it's bad, I'll bum a ride home tonight. :-)

Food porn

Food porn, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Ok, maybe that is too mean to put on a weight loss blog. But this is what threw me over my food budget last night. I can say that I didn't eat any of the activity or exercise points that I earned...but still.

Ohhh strawberry shortcake why do you have to taste so yummy!

weight today....up 4/10ths of a pound....right back where I was at the betinning of last week.....literally I work all week and then the weekend comes and I backtrack. So the following week I work to get myself back to where I was before the weekend. It's a viscious cycle.

**********

On another note, I don't know how much more stress and worry I can take on! I feel as if I have to deal with ONE MORE THING, that I will literally explode! And I know that's part of why I'm just wanting to eat more!

rails, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Big Pool, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Sharing the path

Sharing the path, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Houseguest

Houseguest, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

This was our houseguest that crawled up to our house on Saturday night. Sunday we headed out to the canal and rode. We had fun riding our bikes and enjoyed the wildlife and scenery...and of course Todd got to see some train stuff on the path! After we got home I made lunch, todd left and I spent all afternoon cleaning and doing chores around the house.

I've eaten a bit too much food today...but I've been active, so hopefully it will all wash out!

Saturday

begonia, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

garden, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

growing tomatoes

growing tomatoes, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

chainsaw, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

As you can see our Saturday was spent outside! We worked on the wood pile and got a bunch chipped, we weeded, mowed, weed wacked and worked in the garden a bit. Busy day and it was stinkin' hot!!!

Ok, so maybe my gift was only temporary. this morning I jumped on the scales and I was up. YIKES...really up. As in 1.8 pounds up!!! What??? that's an aweful lot of poundage upwards!

Not gonna let it get to me though. Plod on....do the job. I was thisty when I awoke, so that's one thing that may have affected me (I know when I'm thirsty/parched when I wake up that it usually heralds some dehydration. Ohhh wait...I ate dinner about 3 hours later than normal last night....and with dinner, I had a really big diet drink (isn't there a lot of sodium in diet drinks?). No worries....eat right and it will come back off!

On to the sad news....the RedWings lost last night in the final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs. The Penguins took the cup. Booo hooooo hooo....now we have to wait for a new season of hockey come fall.

I was handed a gift this morning. I'm not looking at the gift and saying , "see, I can splurge and I get a gift." I'm instead looking at it as a true gift and I know that the next time I may not receive a gift. What in the heck am I talking about? Yesterday I had my food carefully planned out. All was well and I actually had 30 calories left over. I was hungry when I left work, and when Todd asked to delay dinner until 7:15 (a little over an hour after I got home). I nibbled on a marshmallow (or two or three) and some dried strawberries. So there went my extra points. But about an hour and a half after dinner, we were sitting down to watch a tv show together and I popped some popcorn. Yes, I added some loc cal spray butter, some parmesean cheese and some butter buds. So this morning when I found my weight was exactly the same, I realized that I had been handed a gift (no exercise yesterday either).

So today, I'm staying within my points no question about it!!!

Ran into a post today that just really struck home and it made my problems with losing weight startingly clear. I've been struggling for the last year and a half first with the fact that I had stopped losing and then in the last few months with the fact taht I've started to gain. I've pondered why and while I know I sabotage myself I can't figure out why. And then I read that post. It just made it all clear. I recommend reading it in it's entirety here but the gist of what I got out of it and what I realized about myself is that I started losing weight and had this belief in my head that when I lost the weight that my life would just automatically change. I would have lots of friends, I would be this active person that wasn't afraid to do all sorts of things, I would be free and my life would be grand. However, I got to my doctor approved weight and nothing changed. I was still shy and quiet and afraid to do things becasue of my weight (I was afraid to ride a ride at Hershey park last summer because I thought I was too big...at 180 pounds...I did end up riding it and was shocked that I fit). Nothing changed. So I think in the back of my mind I gave up a bit, afterall, nothing changed. So I maintained and eventually gained. On that same note, have I been scared to face this real me that I've hidden behind all this weight and as it emerged (as a more quiet person) as something I didn't like I decided to backtrack and sequester myself behind some weight again. I think so.

What also became clear is that if I can change my weight, my eating habits and lifestyle, that I can force myself to make those first few steps toward the freedom that I would really like to have. The freedom to not be afraid to try new things. I'm smart enough to realize that the more things I face, the easier it will become in the furture to face other things!

So that is my deep thoughts for the day!

Now onto my weight......Yesterday morning I woke up REALLY eary and rode the exercise bike for 70 minutes. After work Todd and I went for a walk for about 45 minutes and then we walked again later for another 45 minutes. I had hoped it was enough to negate our evening plans......I just wasn't sure.....

The concert....fabulous. Everytime I see these two bands, I grow to like them just a little more...which is amazing because Chicago and Earth Wind & Fire are already two of my all time favorites. They are first and foremost amazing musicians but they also put on one heck of a show. We left last night from our house at about 3, hooked up with another couple and drove down to the metro area. We ended up getting to Columbia at around 4:15. Our dinner reservations were at 5. While the bar was open and we had briefly discussed going in and chit chatting at the bar while we waited for the third couple that was joining us for dinner. Instead we decided to walk the path by the lake. I wasn't going to turn down that opportunity to get a little bit more activity in for the day! Dinner was very good. I got baked ziti and a diet coke. Todd ordered a seafood pizza and a martini. The portions were HUGE but very tasty. I honestly had been planning on getting a dessert, but the meal was HUGE and I literally had no room for dessert. Yay for me for listening to my body's signals. After dinner we headed over to the post (merriweather post pavillion). Right as we were walking through the parking lot, the rain started. Luckily most of it held off until we got under the pavillion. And then it let loose and poured. I felt badly for the people that had lawn seats and were out in the rain. But oh well...that's why we paid for our seats...no worries about weather. It was still pouring when we left...so we were wet when we got back to the car. Oh well....I'd rather get wet on the way out versus on the way in. Now I'm tired...because I was up yesterday morning ag 5AM, but didn't get to sleep until 2AM this morning...that's a 21 hour day...and today I'm operating on about 5 hours of sleep. Oh well, I can make it. :-)

Soooo, the weight this morning?? I was down 4/10ths of a pound! WOO HOOO

I will admit that today will probably be a day off from exercise. Not because I'm sore or anything, only because I'm just really tired!

How much weight can some water retention be?

How much weight can some water retention be? Well for me it was about one and a half pounds this time. Yep, that's what I dropped this morning on the scales. I'll take it!

This morning I woke up early and I hopped on the exercise bike and rode for 70 minutes. Whew! I've discovered that I get a lot more hot while riding the bike in the bedroom versus the living room. Oh well, the bedroom is where it's at now. I then got ready and here I am at work. I work until noon today and then I'm off the rest of the day. I am debating the merits of riding again after work. Why? Well, first of all, if I can ride outside it would be really nice!! But secondly, tonight we are heading to a concert and the friends that are going with us have made reservations at an Italian restaurant. I love italian food! So I'll be eating tonight. Sooo an extra ride would help negate any extra food I eat! Hmmmmmmmmmm But then on the flip side, I've already ridden 70 minutes today...roughly 17 miles on the exercise bike. Do I want to over-do it??? My knees (the wonderful arthritis) has been acting up for the last week? So would it be prudent? I'm going to play it by ear and see what happens. Maybe Todd will be home and I'll be able to 'con him' into going on the canal with me! :-) Of course the sky isn't all that clear...not really overcast....just hazy. SO you never know what the weather holds!

Ok...mini goals. I'm going to reward myself in 5 pound increments. What to reward with though. Hmmmmm Well, you know, money is tight so I haven't been buying books...and I haven't bought a cd in ages. Soo every 5 pounds I'm going to reward myself with a book OR CD. I was 204.8 yesterday morning...so I'll give myself a head start and give me that .2. So 200 is my next reward!!!

Well, I was a bit disappointed this morning. I stayed on target yesterday. I rode my bike yesterday. I did good. Yet this morning I was up on the scales. Even though I'm disappointed, I'm not going to worry about it. It could be the residual effect from my weekend (shoo fly pie), afterall, I was shocked that I hadn't gained over the weekend. Or it could be from the high sodium foods that I ate on Sunday for one meal and for two meals yesterday. Either way, I'm not going to let it get me down.

This morning we woke up and headed out of the house to hit up the gym. On the way to town we started talking about how we needed to get the mowing done for my parents. So we diverted and headed up there to mow. I push mowed for about 45 minutes. After that we hit up Sam's club and then went home. We hope to maybe make it to the gym tonight. Hopefully! If not, I'm going to try to hop on a bike (inside or outside...depends on the weather) and ride tonight! I made lunch for us both A baked corn casserole which is not too sweet, but is quite yummy in it's own right. Tonight for dinner we are having grilled (hopefully outside, but if not on the indoor grill) turkey burgers and watermelon. My calories are all accounted for and I've actually not used any calories that I burnt from mowing, so all should be good!

I swore that after my weekend that I would be right back on track. I have planned my meals for today and I'm ready to go. (they are a bit higher in sodium but it's all good). At 6:30 or so this morning, I talked my husband into heading out on the canal with the bikes and I got an hour ride (ok, 50 minutes) this morning before coming to work! It was a crazy ride. A deer jumped out in front of us at one point. And on the way back we heard the cracking of a tree...and we pedaled fast to get away from it....it fell across the canal about 10-20 feet behind us...where we had just riden. Crazy I tell ya! I went back to the house and got ready for work, played around with my pictures from the weekend and here I am at work! Fun stuff.


I am deeply blessed to have made this friend and I'm so touched by what she has written about our friendship. It truely does put to words what it means to me! If you don't read her blog, check her out, click the above link!!!

A copy of her post....

Saturday I completed my second biking event since losing 75#'s, with the support and encouragement of a very SPECIAL friend. I am sure many of you read both our blogs, and MaryFran beat me to posting, so check out her blog http://www.mfclingan.blogspot.com/ for an hour by hour recap of our mini trip this past weekend.

She is one special friend, the two of us having read each others weight loss blogs for over a year now, and met in April for the first time for our first biking event. I write this post this morning before heading off to work, to tell her how much I appreciate her support and encouragement!

We both have had our ups and downs with losing our final 20#'s, but we have been there for each other, and even though we might be still working on it, we have not stopped supporting each other and have maintained our previous losses. My friend has lost over 100#'s! We are both determined to finished our journey and in the end will not only be able to say we have done it, but that we have created a lasting friendship as well!

So no matter where you are at in your weight loss process, or frame of mind you are in right now, my advice today is to make a new friend. Find one that has similar interests, no matter if they live in your home town or hours away, like Mary Fran. I did, and it is the best thing that could have happened to me!