Sometimes I wonder where my mind is!

Yes, I wonder where in the world my mind is when I'm thinking about food and my choices before and while I'm eating. It is so easy to slip into the old MaryFran and eat what I want with no regard to my new lifestyle, my weight or even how what I'm eating is going to make me feel! Last night I overindulged. No, I didn't eat awfully bad. I had a veggie plate and a side salad at the restaurant we went to. I know your thinking what's the problem. The problem is that I had the salad with the full fat salad dressing (used every last drop that they give). I had my 4 veggies.......sweet potato, baked beans, mashed potatoes and green beans. Ok, so at least the green beans were good...however I'll be the first to admit that they were swimming in grease! Can we say Carb City for my meal???? Oh yeah....3 rolls! Uhhh yeah....that would be three.....3....yes not one, not two but three rolls. WITH butter! OUCH.

I've cooked at home today for lunch.....just a small meal. I have 9 points for dinner! I can do that. I just checked and my dinner is actually 7 points for the dinner...which gives me a point for a piece of fruit with my dinner! AND a point to spare! :-)

I was so determined to get back to the exercise......uhhhhhh I was really good for about 2-3 days.....then it went down the tubes! I'm hoping that it only happened that way because our week was so crazy and wild. (company here for two days.....my brother visitning others.....etc etc etc). I know that exercise plays such and integral part of weight loss for me!

Today is a quiet day for me. Todd's working...and I've got to be somewhat quiet. So I'll be reading or playing on the computer all day. Normally I would be able to watch tv quietly...however last night our sattelite receiver blew up...literally smoking! (it wasn't even on!) So Tv is out until we can get that replaced! Now that I think about it.....this week is also a weeek to have things just break down! The dryer is on the blink (we are waiting for a call from the repair company that the extended warranty people put in a call to...at least this one is covered by the extended warranty). THEN, the screen door.....litterally the hinges broke....first the top and we didn't realize it...and that pulled the bottom ones out of whack...so after church, in the pouring rain we had to try to fix the screen door and ended up removing it. My kitchen sink....it's porcelin (how the heck to do you spell that?) ...and the porcilin literally is falling off! ARRGGHHHH We are going to try to patch it for now.....until we decide what we are going to do...how much longer we are going to live here! Lets see....I think that's it. NOPE....Todd's car is in the garage! It's been rough.

Yeah...speaking of Todd's car. Last Thursday he had my car for the day. SO he dropped me off at work and was supposed to pick me up at 5 when I got off. Well, I know he sometimes gets involved in things so I tried to call him at 4:30 and every 10 minutes thereafter. At 5PM, he still hadn't shown up. So at 5:15 or so, my boss offered to take me home. I accepted....I would have walked the 2 miles but it was rainy. I walked in the door and Todd mentioned how I was late....I asked him, "Did you forget something?" He looked at me blankly and said, "I don't think so". I looked at him and said, "ME"! HE still didn't get it...because he still looked very confused. It wasn't until I actually said, "You have my car...you were supposed to pick me up" That he realized what he did! Nope..I'm not mad...but it sure has been fun to tease him!

Slow slow work

Why in the world does the weight come on so easily...but take so long to be eradicated??? I literally gained 5 pounds for the two days we were in Lancaster....yet it's been more than a week and I haven't dropped those 5 pounds! I have to keep telling myself that it is slow work and I don't want to rush it...I want to do it healthy and the correct way! But it really is food for thought.....oops no pun intended on the 'food' comment!

Last night got to visit with a great friend of mine from my teen years! I hadn't seen this girl in 17 years. That's soooo long! So it was very interesting.

We've eaten out WAY Too much this week! WAY TOO MUCH! It is so much more difficult to lose weight when you are eating out every meal! I'm determined to cook at home most of this coming week! First of all I have the food....second of all it is easier for me to manage food at home!!!!!

Struggling!

I'm so struggling tonight! I'm just plain and simple hungry! I can't stop eating! What to do...what to do? Ok, I know in my head to stay away from the kitchen. But that is so much easier said than done! I need strength!!!!!! Come on willpower! Come on something!

I can deal with the weight gain. HOwever, I'm having some difficulty dealing with the fact that I'm no longer in onederland! Yes...I totally and royally screwed it up! ARRGGHHHH I'm 201! I know it will come off! I'm not concerned. I'm not giving up. I'm not anything...except PO'd at myself! How could I have been stupid enough to let it happen? Anything but losing my foothold in onederland!

I haven't been exercising regularly. I got out of the habit when I had the cold while my brother's family was in town. I never got back in the habit. I'm starting that tomorrow. No ifs ands or buts! I know that is a big part of my success. I have to get all the spokes in this wheel moving in the same direction. Until then, I'm not going anywhere...at least not fast!

I think I can, I think I can!

I set a goal for myself to be at least back under 200 by my official weigh in. That weigh in is tonight. According to my scales this morning...as long as I don't mess it up....I should be under....BARELY under...but under. That is if it holds to the pattern that my home scales weigh me about a half of a pound heavier than the official meeting scales! 200.4 on the home scales! Ahhhhh soo close! But I'm letting this be a lesson to myself. I fought to get under 200.....it was a long hard battle....and after only 2-3 weeks I messed it up! NO WAY...not again!

I've been terrible with exercising. I just plain and simple haven't done it lately! I think I've exercised twice in the last three weeks! That's pitiful! While we were travelling I did at least walk a good bit....but it's just not the same! I need to make that a focus...getting back in the exercise routine! As much as I dread doing it.....it needs to be done! For me, starting the exercise routine is the worst. Once I get back in it...then I don't mind it...but the first few times, I just dread the sore legs...sore arms.....and general tiredness!

Well...it's back to work for me today. My vacation is over...boo hooo!

Results of a vacation and family visit!

Yes, the unofficial results are in. I've gained.....I've uhhh gained a fair amount. Uhhhh I'm no longer in onederland! I'm pretty bummed about it. I never wanted to see that 2 as my first number in my weight again. NEVER. ANd here I am just a few weeks later back in twooterville! ARGHHHH! I'm determined to get rid of it as quickly as possible....... nothing drastic or unhealthy of course! I'm hoping to at least hold onto onederland for my official weigh in. I'm not that far off of onederland so it is possible! I"m hoping that a lot of it is water retention....from not drinking enough and from more salty food! I can hope eh? I actually feel that I didn't eat too poorly. Yes, I did have my much coveted and dreamed about piece of Shoo Fly Pie...but I ate complete veggie meals. I ate fruit cups for breakfast...etc etc etc! Soooo that is where I stand.

It has showed me that I really don't have total control over my food yet! I've still got a long ways to go in my mental journey to losing weight!

Satisfied

I'm sitting here satisfied in more than one way. We ate dinner and I'm physically satisfied from what I ate (it's my splurge night.......after my weigh in). BUt I'm also satisfied with my weigh in results. I actually gained .4 pounds. Yes, I'm satisfied with a half pound gain. We travelled......I made better choices that I previously would have...however I do know that I made some more poor choices! My aim was to actually maintain. I didn't quite do that...but close enough that I can kinda consider it a maintain.

We are going away again on Thursday.....this time to Lancaster CO, PA. I'm nervous about that also. But I'm determined to do it!

hanging on

I'm hanging on. I actually think I've dropped on the scales this week thus far. I'm a bit concerned though because Todd and I are going to be doing a slight bit of travelling on Sunday and Monday. Then we are home for like two days and then we will be away for three more days. I'm hoping to hold onto my weight loss that I'm seeing for this week! But I'll admit...I'll be happy to come out of these next two weigh in's with a maintain! I'm going for a loss though! :-)

Meanwhile, I think things in my life are settling down a bit.....other than my quest for a different job. I'm still keeping that on a back burner...but everything else seems to be falling into place.

The other week when I hit onederland I dropped a point. It's actually pretty funny. I really don't miss that point. I've been able to manage without it just fine. Crazy eh?

Sometimes its the snail that wins!

Yes, I posted a loss this week. It was only a .6 loss....but a loss nonethe less! Meanwhile, I'm not able to exercise because I'm all congested and can barely breath under the best of conditions let alone while exercising! I have been eating pretty healthily during the last few days though! :-)

My week

Things have been going ok for me. I've had a few heavy meals here and there...but I've really watched what else I've eaten on those days and miraculously my weight is remaining pretty stable. One day I was up about 2 pounds...but I really do feel that it was water retention! I'm hoping for at least a small loss this week. Yeah, I'd like another 2 pound loss or so. But I'll be happy with a maintain or small loss! Just no gain! Ok, I'll not be happy with a small one...but I'll be ok with it!

I am really trying to keep myself fresh with this program and not slip into the 'same old same old' again. Because it's when I'm in that stage that I stop losing! I don't want to hex myself but I think my bad months of one week gain, one week lose back and forth may be past me. I've had two weeks of steady losses. That's another reason i'm hoping for a nice loss again!

Meanwhile, I haven't exercised yet today. That is bad. I know that Todd is working until about 6 and then he wants to go out to dinner. So we won't be getting home until like 8 or so. I have to do laundry then. (which I can do while exercising I'm sure). But once it gets to a certain time...I struggle with exercising! I'm going to perservere though!

WOO HOOOO

Finally, a journal entry that I'm just tickled about writing....I just can't wait to share my news! Let's see if you can guess. onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland, onederland!

Nope...I didn't gain weight....I lost 2.2 pounds....which puts me solidly into onederland! 198.2 pounds! I'm so stoked! Scared to death to mess it up and gain...but stoked!

I went in for an 'interview' at a place that I interviewed at a month ago (used bookstore). They had offered me a job then...but I couldn't work for what they offered...and they only offered part time. Well, they came back to day and didn't do an interview like they had said...they offered me the job right off the bat. I'm panicked though.......it's only 1 dollar more an hour....and will add 40 minutes of travel time daily....which will equal to roughly a tank of gas a week. SO after I pay the extra gas money...I"m only talking about $20 a week. The one good thing.....I would have access to their health insurance....after a time. OHhhhhhh I can't stand decisions like this! STRESSSSSSSSSSS I'm going to try to fight off the eating urges!

Back to my Roots!

I’ve noticed in myself that things are starting to get more stale. It’s getting more difficult to follow the program and stay OP. It has made me think about this deeply and something that my favorite weight watcher leader talks about all the time is that when things get stale and routine that you should simply start over. It made me think of how I was at the beginning……….

“I had listened intently to the getting started meeting that the leader led. Now I was eager to get home to read through the materials that I had been given. I burst into the house, dropped my purse on the table and dropped onto the couch with my books and purchases in my hand. With only a short hello to my husband I started reading. “I can do this” I said to myself as I read through the instructions regarding the weight watchers program. The further I read, the more excited I became. This plan was going to work for me. I just knew it. There was a lightness in my heart and a pep to my step (as much as is possible for a morbidly obese person) as I went to my desk and wrote the first date into the three month journal. I constantly read the books those first weeks…reviewing the information and cementing it in my head. I carried my material with me everywhere I went so I wouldn’t be caught off guard. At each weigh in I was tickled to death at the weight I was losing. I was anal about my journaling. Every BLT (bite, lick and taste) went into the journal…heck I was so into it that I probably even put in every sniff of food that I had! . Before I ate anything, I knew exactly how many points it was and how long I would have to work out to negate what I was eating. I was a machine and I was losing! I lost steadily for months. I was looking better and feeling better than I had in ages! I was still excited about the program”
The problem is I lost that excitement somewhere a few months back. I’m still super motivated…..but I stopped being so religious about writing down exactly what I ate, sometimes even fudging the books a bit (ie well, it was SMALL…so I’m sure it was only one point versus two for a normal size portion). The weight loss slowed down drastically also! Looking back and trying to fix my problems so that I can continue to lose weight (and get past this 200 pound mark…that I’ve been trying to break for it seems ages) I realize that I need to go back to the beginning. Make the program fresh and new. Get excited about it again.

I plan on continuing withe my exercise plan. That is basically to exercise 6 days a week...varied things each day. I also want to spend some more time online reading about others (journals) who are on the same journey that I'm on. I want to read success stories....and see success pictures. I need to read my books and my materials front to back again. In fact, I may need to buy the new books...just to have them. New books would be fresh....especially since the books are different now! I'll have to see if I have the money to do that though!

weigh in results

Ok, I should just copy and paste my email from a few weeks ago! I lost nicely...2 pounds...and that put me at 200.4 pounds! Not quite close enough...but a loss nonethe less! Happy on one hand....sad on the other! REALLY afraid that I'll screw things up and gain again...or NOT make it to onederland next week! ARRGGHHH!

I've gotta do this! It will be difficult though. The ick (TOM) will be hitting sometime this week...and honestly I'm just wanting to eat eat eat right now. I could go into the kitchen and make another meal and eat it all! Part of my problem....I saw some cheese in the refridge while making dinner...and had some.... 3 points down the drain for something that wsn't that overly filling. Yummy, yes it was...but filling...no! Otherwise I would have been just fine and dandy with points..and I would have been able to have popcorn or some snack! But noooooo I had to have cheese and use my points. And I'm so afraid that I'll mess up and gain this week that I'm almost afraid to eat! Zero point items...hmmmmmm nope...I can't hack sauerkraut at 8:30 pm....nope...nor green beans...or carrots....hmmmm no zero point foods sound good right now. Ok, if I had my choice.....hmmmm this is hard, I've just sat here for a minute or two trying to think of what I'm actually hungry for...what I would want to eat if i could have anything.....uhhhhmmm. Wow...you know, maybe this is just boredom and lonliness speaking in me telling me to eat! I can think of things that I would eat if i gave myself the go ahead...but to actually say I'm hungry for them...nope. Hmmmmmm now isnt' that food for thought?

Baby steps!

Well...the scales are slowly inching down this week. I like it this way. Sometimes when you get on the scales every day and there is not movement...no matter what you are doing it gets a bit disconcerting. This week however, each day I can see a little improvement in what the scales are saying. Yeah, I'd love for there to be a huge drop...but in my experience, those huge drops sometimes don't stay that way....the little inching stuff usually stays off!

I've been trying to watch very closely to what I'm eating. We are going out to Corsi's tonight...and i'm planning a low point lunch for me. I am saving many more points than I actually need for dinner...because I don't want to blow it anywhere. I'm also trying to watch my points more closely because I'm still not up to par with my exercising...what with my foot and all. So really my weight loss this week will mostly be attributed to straight up healthy eating! I know that 2.4 would be almost a miracle for me to lose this week... ( of course, this morning I was 201.0). I would be tickled to get into onederland. However, I'm not going to be disappointed if I don't get there. AND I'm not going back up if I don't. I've gotten back on the bandwagon...renewed my thoughts and processes. I'm being more anal about journalling EVERYTHING that I eat! I was getting lazy and journalling only ALMOST everything. That is not going to get me anywhere in this journey! Total honesty is the only thing that will help/allow me to reach my goal! I'm so close. My target weight range for weight watchers is 151-158 pounds. So we are talking 43 pounds until I'm within my weight range! That is SOOO doable! I mean...heck, I've done about that since I started weight watchers alone!!!!! Not to mention all that I lost before weight watchers! I've been saying 50 more to go...but 43 sounds oh so much more closer!!!

Report of a 2 point evening

Well.....I had planned my two point evening out. I planned on having green beans (zero points). sauerkrout (zero points), cooked carrots (one point), pears (1 point) and I originally was going to do a two point sandwich (weight watcher bread, smart beat butter, and a teaspoon of jelly). But, todd wanted garlic bread..so I did a three point piece of garlic bread instead. Thus, my dinner consisted of 5 points. Not too bad. (I had already planned to forego what Todd was eating...steak and baked potato....I just don't like that meal...so it worked out well). We ate early.....so late that night I made popcorn....with a little cheese and smartbeat spray butter....three points. I was very satisfied....and I was only six points over for the whole day. That means that I've only used 8 flex points for the whole week! Now...I did exercise that forty-five minutes, mid-high intensity and earned those four aps....so I know that technically I probably only used 2 flex points....but I'm just gonna count 6...because I didn't measuer the parm cheese that I put on the popcorn!

The scales were not adversly effected today...so for that I am happy. Knowing that though...I know that I hvae to be VERY good today. I think having one little day where you mess up is bad....but doesn't affect the weigh loss. But if you string more than one day like that together...eii yiii yiii

Report pf a 2 point evening

Well.....I had planned my two point evening out. I planned on having green beans (zero points). sauerkrout (zero points), cooked carrots (one point), pears (1 point) and I originally was going to do a two point sandwich (weight watcher bread, smart beat butter, and a teaspoon of jelly). But, todd wanted garlic bread..so I did a three point piece of garlic bread instead. Thus, my dinner consisted of 5 points. Not too bad. (I had already planned to forego what Todd was eating...steak and baked potato....I just don't like that meal...so it worked out well). We ate early.....so late that night I made popcorn....with a little cheese and smartbeat spray butter....three points. I was very satisfied....and I was only six points over for the whole day. That means that I've only used 8 flex points for the whole week! Now...I did exercise that forty-five minutes, mid-high intensity and earned those four aps....so I know that technically I probably only used 2 flex points....but I'm just gonna count 6...because I didn't measuer the parm cheese that I put on the popcorn!

The scales were not adversly effected today...so for that I am happy. Knowing that though...I know that I hvae to be VERY good today. I think having one little day where you mess up is bad....but doesn't affect the weigh loss. But if you string more than one day like that together...eii yiii yiii

Did it...done it!

I did it today with eating. I stopped at Blimpies on the way home today (todd couldn't go with me this morning ...so I said I'd grab lunch on the way home). Well, I THOUGHT about calling him to have him look in the book so I could get something other than my normal sandwich. Of course I know the points for the good old normal sandwich. Well, I didn't....I decided to go with a wrap...I mean, wouldn't you think a wrap would be better than a sub??? Came home...ate it up...and then checked the points. Yep....15 points! Oh yeah....I had a little 1 oz bag of cashews...for 4 points. I was still hungry after my 19 point lunch...so I had a 100 cal pack that was 2 points! Thus taking lunch to a whopping 21 points! Breakfast was oatmeal...3 points. So I have an earthshattering 2 points left for dinner! Wow....

So, that isn't bad enough. I tried to at least compensate for my stupidity error. So I started exercising.....about 45 minutes into it (thank heavens I at least got 45 min in) I actually fell off the step while doing step aerobics.....yeah, my foot isn't doing too good right now. It's not broken....and it's not swelling too badly...so hopefully it won't take long to heal! BUT, what's up with me and weird injuries. Last week it was a cyst that was all weird....the weekend was my shoulderblade (ok, the muscle)...now this?? I can't say that I've been exercising too much...because I've been doing very poorly with exercise lately! Arrgghhhh

A wow moment

I was writing an email to a friend and we were discussing a little pig out session that she had had in terms to eating..... I responded with.

"I'm not surprised about the mini-pig out session. Your stress levels...with crazy flako and with Kaid being sick they've got to be sky high! The good thing (ok, you know me....gotta find the good in something) is that you were able to look back and recognize what caused you to eat....you are looking at it objectivly and honestly. AND you didn't let it get you down! Knowing that.....when you start to boil mad over "flako" or start to worry more about Kaid (continue to worry I should say) then you can look at your experience with the eating and hopefully resist! I know for me, SOMETIMES it helps if I put into thoughts exactly how long...or how much...or at what intensity I would need to exercise to actually break even on something that I'm eating. Wow...that was just a light bulb for me. I was doign that in early fall....in my mind calculating every thing I ate into how much exercise would be required to cause it to wash out. I've been trying to figure out what in the world has been different. You see...until about Thanksgiving I was having pretty steady weight loss. After thanksgiving....it's been this seesaw weight loss/gain thing. I've said that I don't think it's a plateau...but something has altered....maybe that is. Because I know when I was playing that trick in my mind....I was better able to resist eating because I don't like to exercise....."

That was Truely a light bulb moment for me. Maybe that is what has changed! I am going to try to really think that way!

Meanwhile...I think the scales are starting to move downward again! Woo hooo

It'll be ok

Yes, it will be ok. I gained 2.2 pounds this week (actually over the last two weeks). Am I disappointed???? Highly. But, at least I expected it. I refuse to let it get me down though. I'm just going to redouble my efforts and get it off! I know I can do it!

Rough week

Didn't make it to my weigh in. Granny took a turn for th worse and we spent all of Tuesday at the hospital with her. I actually had all of my stuff to go to my weigh in....even though I knew that the scales would probably show me up a bit. Granny passed away at 5:20 and I would have had to leave the hospital and go almost right to my meeting. But, I thought it would be poor taste to drag Todd to my meeting less than an hour after his grandmother passed away. So we didn't do that. The biggest problem though this past week....Todd has been craving the comfort foods.....which means that I'm eating comfort foods. Eii yii yii. I counted points for all of the days....except for one...the actual day of the funeral. Up until that day I had only used 2 flex points so I'm not too worried. I've been good since then also.....

However, the scales are not being kind! It is showing me up about two pounds! ARRgGGHH

Then early this week my foot started bothering me again...the pea sized lump was back....joy joy. So i went to the doctor...it's nothing but a ganglion cyst. So I esaed up for another day and went back to exercising a day or so later. Within two days my shoulder blade muscle.....is killing me. As in brings tears to my eyes when I move. So I'm on the sidelines with exercise.......and it's ticking me off!!!

I plan on going to my tuesday meeting......and weigh in. I'm going to take my knocks and not worry about it. The weight WILL come off!