The Boss

Why yes, I was losing weight and doing really good.  And why yes, it all seemed to crumble around me this week.   Ok, maybe not that bad.   However, the numbers on the scales were REALLY up yesterday.  Like 4 pounds up.  It could just be an aberration due to a few factors (dehydration, water retention, etc etc etc).  No worries.  Ok, maybe we should be a bit worried because I DID have a dessert at Panera bread yesterday....uhhhhhhhh.....   And well there MAY have been cheese fries on Monday!!!

This week has been emotional.  The break-up of my marriage was necessary.  For both of us really.  We were both unhappy in a marriage and hanging on because we were still friends.  Yes, even through the worst of it, we would have a day where we got away and just enjoyed each others companionship and friendship.  Even when I wanted to beat him up for what he did and how he broke my heart....I still enjoyed his friendship.   So lets be honest.....it's hard because by leaving the marriage I have lost the companionship and friendship of someone that has been in my life for 17 years of my life.  Do I want to go back?  No, as a husband he was horrible. But I'm put into a weird position of watching my friends and family gasp in horror when I do spend time, as a friend; with my ex.  I'm put in the weird position of picking up my ex and feeling sadness as I see the property that we owned (ok, I'm still on the title...but that's just a technicality.)   I long for some aspects of the marriage....but I revel in the freedom of being out of an emotionally harmful situation.  It's really a rather odd dichotomous mix of feelings.  And I know that it has affected my eating...my weight....my life.  I've got choices though.  I made choices and I have to follow the path...and come out on the top....weight wise and otherwise too!!!   I have remember that this is not a failure...how I react to the stress and emotions are the failure or win!!!

I will be 'the boss' when I am through!!!

Running....GAH.   Difficult at best. My half marathon training begins on August 9th.  I am barely, where I need to be.  But I am going to persevere and do this.  Nothing is going to keep me down.   I am going to push myself...I am going to run my heart out.  I am going to push past whatever issue is holding me back.  Ok, if possibly....my arthritic knees hurt.  My foot issue (the one that I have struggled with since I was young...as in 10 or so) is rearing its ugly head after years of no issues.   My planters fasciitis is alive and kicking (so far I've been able to keep it just at a twinge).   My body is fighting against this progress but I'm going to fight back.  I KNOW that if I fight back....my body and legs and knees will be stronger (and I will be thinner) and that the pain will most likely recede.  And...well....I will 'be the boss'!

I've taken up the hobby of geocaching...it is fun.  Cheap entertainment.  It also gets me up off the couch and moving......sometimes not as much as others (depending on where the caches are located and how far I park from the site).  Anything to keep me busy and moving.  That's the important thing I think.  (If you don't know what it is....look it up....  geocaching.com)

Look at the itty bitty container that contains a log sheet!!!

What a cute baby ammo box....threw off the hunt as I was thinking 'big'. Or rather normal sized ammo box!!!!

I need to LIVE Life.   Enjoy the ride.   Have fun.  Keep myself busy.   Run the hell off of my legs and the gas out of my car.   Happiness...that's the goal!!!!  And for me, that will be a compromise of panera bread snack stops and cheese fries on a rare occasion.  It will be road trips.   Movies.  Good food.  Long walks and sunsets.   Moderation and control....and enjoy life!!!

A day of rest

Thursday runs have been notoriously brutal lately.   I think it's because I run on the weekend, Zumba (step Zumba to boot) on Mondays, run on Tuesday, Zumba on Wednesday and then run on Thursday. Friday's are my day of rest.     So by Thursday my legs are shot and boy am I ready for that day of rest.     This week I decided that my plan was stupid.   Utterly flawed.  So I'm swapping out my rest days.  Rest in Thursday...run on Friday.  If it's my early Friday I can run on Saturday.  Not a biggie.   And being tired for that last night of Zumba is not a problem...I can tone down my movements and not be as energetic of my body is dragging.  :-). 

This change will put me in perfect alignment for the next two Friday nights.   Why yes.  August 7th I will be doing the glow run at Marty snook park at 9PM.  And on August 14th I will be doing the rumors donut alley rally at 7:30pm. Two Friday's in a row...her we go!!!  These runs will be perfect motivation for me...they are awesome for putting a pep in my step for running.  (And the free rumors donuts aren't bad either!!)

Food wise I am doing well.   My weight is steadily dropping.  I'm happy and celebrating that. I will be tickled when I get out of this 5 pound vortex that I've been stuck in!!!   Soon!!!!

I'm not monitoring my food like a nazi.  Not am I obsessing about calories.  I'm just trying to make better choices...eat less...and just figure this out one day at a time.  I am tracking....Hahahaha.  And sadly, the delicious desserts that my mom bakes to sell...I've had to say farewell to them for now.  :(

So disappointing

What a raging disappointment!    I went out on my run with high hopes and those hopes were dashed in the dirt beneath my feet.  What pray tell am I talking about?   Well, let me share.  Yesterday I received a picture text from my ex husband.  It was a picture/link to a news article in the local paper/news outlet.  The article talked about there have been at least two instances of a flasher in our town. (Making a mental note to once again start religiously carrying my pepper spray when I go out running!)   This 'gentleman' (and I use that term loosely) reveals himself to women who are out jogging.  HOT DOG!  I immediately sent the link/article to my friend and jogging buddy and told her that we are going to be doubling up on our runs in an effort to be flashed!   ha ha ha.  Especially me as on of the sightings was relatively close to where I typically run!   Alas, no one flashed me this morning.  What a disappointment!  That would have made for a fun run....one I would never forget.  (And yes, I'm joking around....I don't really want to have a flasher show me his goodies.......but it would be a run I would never forget, that I can't deny.   ha ha ha)

I've bee struggling with my weight recently.  I've been stuck in the same 5 pound range for a few months.  I guess that is good...but it's also bad.  I get to the top of the range and I cringe.   I get to the bottom and I smile, but then I jump back to the top.  Last week I was at the top end of that range, that was right about the time that I said "no more".  So I had my starting number.  255.0.   No worries.  It was going to go down!   I stepped on the scale today and I saw 252.0.  I was disappointed.  I want to be out of that 5 pound range....BAD.  (yesterday was actually 251.4....but I exercised late and then ate a later dinner...so I'm not worried about the fluctuation)  I was disappointed with myself.   Not enough to make me give up my run.  NO, it is Tuesday and Tuesdays are a run day....so out I went.  It wasn't until half way through my run that I realized how utterly stupid I was being.  Last week I was 255.0   Today I was 252.0 and I'm complaining?????   Uhhhh   by my calculations (and it's not rocket science mathematics...so I'm reasonably sure I'm correct) that is a three pound loss.  I am showing a three pound loss and I'm complaining????  Really????   

What in the world was wrong with me?   Why could I not accept the 3 pound loss?   It could be because of the 5 pound range I've been teetering within.  It could be the 'been there done that' mentality that I have had this time around.  Maybe it's the depressing thought of 'doing this once again'.  I don't know.  But today I stepped back and told myself how stupid I was.  3 pounds is three pounds!   I need to stop focusing on the 5 pound range....that five pound range stuff is for maintenance...NOT losing.  You see, when I gain as long as I was within that 5 pound range I was happy. And that is a good mentality (for maintenance) but it negates any weight loss I was having within that 5 pound range.  I was stuck with the mentality that I wasn't really losing weight until I dropped under that 5 pound range.  HOW WRONG!   Not true!  So I am celebrating....officially celebrating that I'm showing a weight loss!   NICE NICE NICE!

Another realization on my run?   I want to do this half marathon with all of my heart.  Yes, I dread the aches and pains.  Yes, my feet hurt (old injuries and feet issues are rearing their ugly head).  Yes, I worry about losing weight while I train. I find myself really hungry afterward....just ask my parents, this morning I was shoveling cereal into my mouth....and I polished off the small scoop...maybe 1/4 cup of mac and cheese, and a couple bites of a cinnamon roll.  And when I say shoveling...I mean SHOVELING!    But you know what....it will all work out, and I will succeed.  A new dream is being made!

Meanwhile, I have talked to my friend Sue (the gal that I did the Cooper River Bridge Run with).  She is planning on doing the same run in 2016 and he is planning on running it !!!!  GOOD....I was disappointed that I didn't manage to run it (stupid foot...or rather stupid step at a zumba step class.....ok ok ok, stupid MF for falling off the step) and that weekend I told myself  that I would be back to complete it as a run!  2016 baby! 

Bring it on.  I've got weight to lose.  I've got miles to run.  I've got personal records to set in running.  I've got so many things to achieve!

  

Just Do It

I have reached the end of my rope.   I had a great week. I got to spend time with the guy I'm seeing.  I got to go to Hershey Park with my family.  I got to hang out and watch movies.  I got to go out with my friend Paula.  A good week.  But I have reached the end of my rope.

I have gone to Hershey park over the years.  I had gone years ago with my friend Julie and Todd.   I struggled because with my weight I struggled with riding some of the rides.  NOT because I didn't want to ride them.  NOT because I don't like to ride them.   BUt because my weight made riding the rides difficult.  The constraints that keep the riders safe are difficult for an overweight person.    A few years later, when I was right around my lowest weight, we went back again and it was FANTASTIC.  There was no fear there was no struggle, it was just good plain fun!    I went back this past week.   It was a great fun day.  But it was rough..   As we waited in lines for the rides I worried.   I stood there in fear that I would get to the front of the ride and they would go to check my restraints and/or put me in the restraints and I wouldn't fit and I would have to do the walk of shame because I couldn't ride.  However, the restraints were so tight that I couldn't take a full deep breath.  I wasn't in any danger at all, I could breath just fine, but I couldn't get a full lung of air.  Not a biggie, but eye opening.     I did fit...each and every time. Yet the fear persisted each time I rode a ride.     I  didn't notice the next issue until just today.   I had noticed a bruise but didn't pay attention until today when I actually got a good look at myself without a shirt in the mirror. BOTH of my shoulders bear bruises where the restraints went across my shoulders.  Yes, the shoulder harnesses had to be pushed down until they clicked and I was THAT close that I bruised.    I am NOT doing this again.  I want to ride and enjoy and not have to worry about my fatness.    This has GOT to change.

My second wake up call?   I went out and lounged in the pool today.  I was on a float and fell asleep.   I apparently was out there for an hour and a half and my thighs ended up a bit burnt.  My fat gut overlaps my thighs.....yes, I have a tan line from the overhang of my gut.  HOW WRONG IS THAT????????

I did not run on Thursday or Friday.  But I did get a run in on both Saturday and Sunday.   Running is still rough, but I am pushing through!

All things stupid!!!

First of all, let me confess that my eating is OFF THE HOOK bad.  Ok, not horrible in that I'm eating cakes and cookies and pies for every meal.  But I will admit to another whoopie pie this past weekend.  No, I'm just not making the healthiest choices.  Veggies?   Fruits?   Never heard of them....what are they????   Stupid thing called nutrition!

Running.  So many random thoughts about running.

  My feet HURT.   The plantar is being stupid....  my ankle is being stupid.... the new blister that keeps wanting to form (nice hot spot go figure) is being stupid. It's all just stupid.  Add that to the general achy leggies and I'm well...it's just stupid.

Next up in running news.  Humidity.  It's stupid hot and stupid humid.  I walk outside and the humidity just sucks the breath out of ya. But I have my scheduled run days and I'm running them...regardless of the humidity (I do try to go early in the day!)

 But I did run on Sunday.  It was a ROUGH.   It was a bit later than I would have preferred.   We went to the canal and ran.  The plan was for 4 sets of eight-three intervals.  I struggled after the second 8 minute run had passed and I have to admit, I walked a bit and we only ran about 4 minutes of the last 8 minute run interval (we were back to the car).  But I was out there putting the miles on my legs.bbi can't help it that the weather and experience was stupidly brutal!!

This morning (Tuesday) was my next scheduled run.  I went out at about 7AM.  It was still humid.  (As a side note, stripping off hot sweaty clothes when I'm done running is just really nasty and wrong..it's like peeling a wet layer of skin off of my body........but I digress...back to the subject at hand.)   I set out to do at LEAST three sets of my intervals.  I made the first 8 minutes......did pretty good on it too.  It was slow but I wasn't praying for it to end.   The second 8 minute interval I was doing and I hit a "oh my word I have to walk right now" feeling.  I slowed to a walk and within seconds I got the notification through my headphones that the run interval was over.  The next run interval was the same....I gave up seconds before it was over.    I will say that after that third run interval I only walked for 1 minute (versus the three that was scheduled) and then I ran for 7 minutes more...before walking a 5 minute cool down.  I was proud of myself.   This was definitely NOT stupid.

So, the lesson I learned today?  Intervals DO work.  They push me on long after I would have caved and walked long before.  HOWEVER, I have been doing the 8-3 intervals for the last week and a half to two weeks.  It's a good length for me because I really do have to push myself to finish the 8.  The three may be a bit long but it's all good.   The problem?  My body is becoming accustomed to the 8 minutes of running.  I think my body is sensing that the 8 minutes is up and is shutting down.   Ok, that was a bit dramatic, it's not really shutting down but it's telling me that it's time to stop running.   What does this mean?    It means that on Tuesday I will be running 5-2 intervals.  Or maybe 6-1.   How about 9-4?   I will be doing SOMETHING other than 8-3. My body was becoming used to it....and that's not what I want.   I don't care what I run....I'm focusing on the miles.   The rest will fall into place.

Moving on

Why Monday night I hit up Zumba...it was a good class.   My body did fine and I feel as if I got a good workout!   

Tuesday morning I ran and it was a difficult run.   But I pushed through and didn't let myself falter.  I ran the run intervals and I walked the walk intervals.   But I knew that it was tough.  I speculated that my body only had about 12 hours recovery time from Zumba the night before, that could be the problem!

Wednesday was another Zumba class....and this morning Thursday I went running.   The 8-3 intervals proved to be my nemesis.  I have to admit I walked a few seconds here in there in my last two running intervals.   Grrr.  Makes sense though, Zumba again 12 hours before and 5 days straight of running or Zumba.   I am looking forward to my 'day of rest' tomorrow!!!

Just putting the miles on my feet....and they feel it today.  My heel (plantar fasciitis) is kicking a bit today...just a twinge thank goodness.  My ankle from this spring is achy,  my knees hurt ...ok my lower body just aches!!!!

My weight has gone down a bit from my highest weight of last week.  (Highest recent weight...I was a lot heavier years back).   For the most part I'm doing ok with my eating.   But I've had slip ups....yeah...not pretty ones.   Tuesday night I got home and I Had a need...a need for something sweet.  I raided the supply and came back with.....

Why yes, a red velvet whoopee pie.  

Why yes I ate it!    Yesterday I was just ravenous and ate breakfast, and a not so wholesome lunch, and finished it off with a veggie less dinner.   Not wise.     Trying to hold it together today.  

I'm trying!!!   

Running crazy!

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the running issues...and taking the words of advice and encouragement from everyone into consideration.   I had planned on taking off from running on Friday (scheduled rest day) and picking up on Saturday and or Sunday.   Well I ended up going away on Sunday (more on that later!)    So this morning I got up and I had a decision......was I going to attempt that 20 minute run again and face down failure again.?   Or was I going to focus on the miles and not the straight run?

Before I go into the decision let me say that the Couch to 5 K really worked for me two and a half years ago when I was first starting to run.  And I could see myself improving this time...I did great with week 3 and 4 and actually even 5...it was that straight run that was giving me grief!   I kept telling myself that I could do it..that the program worked and I pondered the extra weight and I pondered the heat and I just pondered.  I liked the instructions telling me when to run and when to walk.  I push myself until I'm told to walk....my mind tells me to give up but I keep going because I listen to that little voice.   But it just wasn't working to get me where I wanted to go.   But then I remembered the Cooper River Bridge run.  It is true that I walked the 10k because of an injury.  HOWEVER,  I had trained to run it  and went from running only once a month through the winter to being ready for a 10k (I ran 5.5 a week or soo beore the race)  Furthermore the injury wasn't because of the training but because of a wee little misstep in Zumba.  (oops....I missed the step!)   But the point that kept sticking in my mind was that I was close to the same weight and I managed to run.  What was different from March to now?  (other than the heat?)

So this morning I made my decision.  I loaded an app onto my phone....it's called "interval timer'  Yup....it's got a really catchy name.  It runs in the background of my phone.  I have it programmed for a warm up walk and then currently it is set for 8 -3 intervals...and it is set to repeat.and repeat and repeat    Eight minutes of running followed by three minutes of walking, eight minutes or running followed by three minutes of walking.  This way I have the voice in my head pushing me to finish the 8 minutes.  I then set a mileage goal in my head for the day and I went out and I ran. (and walked).    I finished my miles.    The 8 minutes get LONG at this point and I think they are never going to end.  When that airhorn (the noise I have set up to notify me) went off in my head at the end of the running segments I think I may have cheered!   But I pushed to complete them.  And admittedly, I would have probably given up and started walking a lot earlier if I had not had the interval trainer.

So as of right now I am set to train to complete this half marathon in an interval style.   I can revisit that plan if things change...but that's the plan for right now.  :-)  Things don't always go according to the set plan.  And that means I have to adjust and move on with an alternate plan!

Yesterday I passed up my run.  Why?   Paula and I went to National Harbor. 

 We hit up a circus.

We rode the Capital wheel...I think it is 180 feet high and on a pier in the Potomac.

We roamed around into the shops and had lunch. (of course)

I think we walked 4 or 5 miles yesterday.   

Moving on.....the weight HAS to come off.  I am dying to go eat a piece of cake....but I'm working on resisting.  Which means I have to go find something HEALTHY to eat.....the watermelon that tasted so good after my run has left me HUNGRY!  :-)  (Yeah, I know......proper nutrition and all that...but I was hot and that sounded SOOOOO good!)

What in the world????

I did the couch to 5 k before.   The program worked like a charm.   I was dropping weight.  I was toning up and I was able to complete each and every run that the program three at me.    This time is different.   Totally different this time.

I have been stuck on that week five for forever it seems!  I attempted that first 20 minute run the other day (fourth if July) and made it about 15 minutes before I quit and walked.     I repeated the other days and attempted it again this morning.   Once again it did not work!  I walked two or three thirty second intervals and then just totally gave it up and walked the last minute or so of the 20 minutes.    I feel like such a failure!   Why is this not working!   And even more importantly, what in the world am I going to do...I'm committed to running a marathon and I can't even make it 20 minutes!!!!

Is it mental?  Is it my diet?   Is it my extra weight (I have gained in the last 6 months)???   Could be all of them.   But honestly I had gotten myself up to running 6 miles back in early April....I haven't gained that much weight since then!!!  I increased quickly and felt wonderfull!  So why is it not working this time?????

Soooo....my plan.

Take Friday off as a rest day and attempt this 30 minutes one more time either Saturday or Sunday.  Maybe drive to the canal and do it on a nice flat shaded path.   Maybe I need to have my rest day and then the next day do my 'long/push it further' runs after that rest day, I just thought '20 minutes that's not much'. (And really I'm discussing this about a measley 20 minute run.....this is embarrassing and sobering!)

If that doesn't work I will be adjusting my training plans.  I will be implementing a walk/run interval plan.  I'll set up the interval timer on my phone and just interval to my hearts content.  I can still build miles in preparation for the half marathon and I can hopefully build the length of my run segments.  Maybe I can get back to running consistently. I know I can do it...I did it in April...I did it last fall.   I know I can do it.  But for some reason right now it's just not happening.  So instead of beating my head against the wall, I'm going to adjust and move on.    I can always adjust my plan again once /if I get over this hump!!!

No turning back now!!!!

Wow...I went out running...on a holiday...in the rain.   Kinda impressive!!!!!

It was a rough run.  I got there and I really seriously contemplated redoing week 5 day 2 of my run....but then I figured that I was just afraid of that 20 minute straight run.    I should have listened to my instinct....day two had been really rough and day three of week 5 dost go well.   Not well at all, my legs were tight and hurt.   It was bad and at about 14 minutes in I walked for a few yards and then gathered my courage and willpower to run again....but by minute 16 I was DONE.    So I'm going to go back and run day two again.  I'll get this!!!

I did register for the Philadelphia RNR 1/2 marathon...October 31 is the do or die date.  Hotel is booked and everything.   Only thing left?  Training!   There is no backsies or outs...I went non-refundable on both the registration and hotel!!!!

I didn't run today....my legs were tight and achy and I needed the rest day.  So my friend and I headed into Virginia and hit up some museums and did some shopping and had a good meal out.   My legs...ouch!!!!!!!

Seriously, I should have bought the glasses right??????

 

Pie in the sky

My friend asked me yesterday  what my goal was when the half marathon rolled around.   I tried to play dumb.  I answered 'my goal is to finish the darn thing!'   She wouldn't let me stand with that answer and responded, "your goal weight you ninny". ( Yeah she actually called me a ninny...and I call her a friend....I must be delusional or something!!!  Hahaha).  This was going on during Zumba between songs so I was able to play it off and not answer by looking winded...And I may have huffed and puffed a bit to really cement my non answer!    But ok....on the way home after Zumba I thought about it and I texted her my goal.

The half marathon we are planning on running is  in Philadelphia on October 31.  (We need to register for this puppy SOON...it shouldn't be too late...I hope...)So 4 months away.

  My realistic goal is 30 pounds.   My pie in the sky goal is 52.7 pounds....putting me at 199.9 pounds.   Yes that's a lot of pounds...but I'll also be running a lot of miles in my training!!

So I HAVE to get my food in line...not tomorrow....today!!!!!!

Registered

One registration down.   Yeah money is a bit tight so I only registered for one thing at the moment.    What in the world am I talking about??   Races of course!    The next race on my agenda is the Donut Alley Rally in Hagerstown, MD on August 14th of this year.   It is a 5k and this will be my third year running it.    I'm planning on actually being prepared for this run.   I haven't been prepared for a run in ages.   (Ok the leesburg 10k I ran last October I was prepared for!!!).  I jumped back on the bandwagon yesterday morning and picked back up with the couch to 5k training plan.  I will admit that my official 'next run' should have been week 5 day 3.   I hadn't run in over a week so I decided to drop it back to week 5 day 1.    Huge difference!  Now some of you that know the c25k program may recall that week 5 day 3 is the first straight run of more than 8 minutes in length and may be thinking that I am afraid of that leap.   Well you are right!    Let me review week 5 of the training. All of the days start and end with a warm up and cool down. I'll just tell you the run parts

W5D1 -  Run 5 minutes. Walk 3 minutes. Run 5 minutes.   Walk 3.   Run 5.

W5D2. -  Run 8 minutes.   Walk 5 minutes.   Run 8 minutes.

W5D3. -  run 20 minutes

Holy Moley!   20 minutes straight of running?   Are you serious?   Naw.   Tell me it can't be so.  That's a huge leap!!!  I know that I can do it.  I did it before (with less pounds on my body though).   I know I can do it again.  But I also know that I need to be prepared...physically and emotionally. (I cried the first time I completed week 5 day 3 a few years ago when I did the couch to 5 k).   So I am ok with stepping back and repeating two days.    And let me tell you.....my legs were SORE after running week 5 day one yesterday!    Of course that was partly from the killer leg workout that our Zumba instructor gave is on Monday night!!

Next thing to register for??  A half marathon!!   I also need to request the time off work so that I can enjoy the expo the day before!

While in Indiana I stumbled across a book that I couldn't wait to read so I actually bought it in paper form.  (I know it was a shock to me too as somewhere along the way I switched to reading mostly digital.)

Practical advice and information but written by a total novice and sarcastic non-runner who trained for and completed a marathon.   It's a good read for sure!

My weight???   Well in a down and depressed 'he lets hang out together and intermingle out depression', Paula and I ended up at Dairy Queen last night.   (Ice cream makes everything better right??) Oops 1030 calories for that medium cookie dough blizzard!    My weight was somehow down by point two this morning.  I'll take it....and I'll watch more closely from here on out.   The blizzard is sure tasty, but it's not going to help me achieve my weight goals and my running goals!

Home again Home again Jiggity Jig

Well, I'm home.  My Indianapolis trip is over.  I am already thinking about where to go next.   I soon do want to plan a trip to see and spend time with my friend Donna.  I also know that I will be going to Philly for the Rock and Roll half marathon in October (Lord Willing and the Creek don't rise....and I keep running...and no injuries).   But I think I need something before then......  Oh wait, I need to recoup some money in my play savings account......the $3.50 that's left won't get me far I imagine.  Hmmmmmm   That won't even cover my metro fare into the city......or the entrance fee to a local park/lake.  Well shucks!

I had a lot of fun visiting my friend Julie.  She and I have been friends since we both taught school in PG county about 15 years ago.  She has two young kids so I had fun playing and spending time with them.   We did hit up the Indianapolis zoo on one of our days there.  So that was a day of walking (and running when the torrential downpour rain hit!)

Eating?   Lets not talk about it....lets just move on and plan for this upcoming week!

Exercise?    Well.....once again lets just move on.

Fresh start!

Best laid plans

I packed my running gear!   I swear I did!!!  However my first morning in Indianapolis and it is thunder, lightening and raining.  No run for me today.  It's actually supposed to be rainy the whole way through my visit. Well then..... 

I've already decided that if I don't get many/any runs in this week that I will complete all of week five of the couch to 5 k program again. I honestly did not just fly through the first two days when I completed them.  Don't get me wrong, I did them in their entirety and I didn't cheat...but at one or two points it took some willpower to not stop walking before the program told me to stop running!!!   So repeating will not be a big deal (the program recommends repeating a week of you feel as if you are struggling anyway!).   

So all of that to say that my four running outfits may be going home pristine and clean.

Why yes, I am in Indianapolis through the weekend!  I am visiting a good friend (julie) for a few days.  Her kids are adorable and are already warming up to me. So even with the rain it will be fun just maybe a bit more relaxing than we thought.  Hahaha. 

I got here an hour or so before julie got off of work.  I was planning on hitting up a museum that I had researched online.  It was supposed to be open Wednesday, Thursday and Fridays.  Alas, when I arrived at the museum the hand printed sign on the door said 'appointment only on Wednesdays'. Nice. (Not).   So I headed to a nice shopping area and when I saw a Dicks Sporting Goods store I knew I had to do it!!!   So what???  A friend had sent me a picture of a shirt she saw at dicks and said it was something I needed because of the title of my blog. Well sherry, I did it!   

This little gem is no longer on a rack in the store but in a bag sitting in my luggage!  Yay!!

There were some Nike tees that I wanted, but finances say otherwise.  :-).  

Hanging in there

My food intake remains spotty at best.   My tracking of said food remains sporadic.   Coincidence?   I think not.  I know that this is a large part of my problem.   Tracking for me is a chore but when I am tracking my food intake is just a teeny tiny bit better than when I'm not tracking!  

There has been some consistency in my life the last week.   I've consistently run.   I was going to take yesterday as a rest day and ended up running with Paula in the evening after work.   Week 1 and day 5 of the couch to 5k is in the books.   It was hot it was hard.  But it is done!  

Yup..stopped on the cool down portion of the workout to check out the Lilly!  

Paula and I then went out for a quick bite to eat.   I was hot and sweaty.

Paula enjoyed her sangria...and used that to help her cool down!  

This upcoming week I will be heading to Indianapolis to visit a good friend.   It is going to be a cheap trip (I have notified my friend of my budget constraints) due to some unexpected bills and expenses recently and upcoming in the horizon.   Gah, this grown up stuff isn't any fun!!!

Wasting time

Well, I have managed two runs and no selfies.  AMAZING!  It almost feels as if I didn't run at all those days!   :-)   Ok, I so I just forgot to do it because I had other things on my mind.   Oh well...I'll get there sooner or later.

Monday was rainy but we had a bit of clear skies around 2.  So I carted myself off of my desk chair at work and went for a walk.  It wasn't fast and it wasn't long (25 minutes) but it got me out and gave me a bit of exercise in the middle of the day.  It was HOT!  GRRRR   Anyway.  I walked and moved.  I don't plan on doing it everyday, but if I can do it here and there it would be good.

So no selfie on my walk....but a cool old dilapidated barn counts right???

Monday evening I hit up zumba.   With the extra weight I have added I can feel every step, jump and hop in zumba.  Regaining this weight has shown me how much the weight really affects me.  Life is HARD with the extra pounds!

Tuesday started early with a run outside.  I am doing week 4 and it was day three of my couch to 5k (yeah, remember I skipped ahead to where I thought was a good start since I KNEW that running 60 seconds and walking 3 minutes while sounding fabulous was not where I needed to start!).   I started off and did my 5 minute warm up.  I heard some static come on with my music and since I knew that was where I typically start to run I started running......and that was the last I heard from the couch to 5k program.  Yes, I had a bit of a malfunction (later I realized that I have to have my ringer on for c25k to work properly on my phone).  This was day three of the same run so I knew roughly where I needed to walk and where I needed to run...but remember...my rule is I don't stop until the little voice tells me to....so I ran....and ran....and ran.  It was slow.   Ok....I didn't make it home.  I did half of my run and when I hit the turn around I decided that I couldn't do it...and I intervalled it back...but defaulting to the 'run until I feel like I need a bit of a break'  (and we all know our mind tells us to stop sooner than we need to!)  I'm proud of myself though.   By the turn around I should have been on my third walk segment..and I made that my FIRST walk.     

This morning I headed out....and remembered to turn on my ringer so that the c25K app would work correctly.  Utterly amazing at how well it really did work with that little thing changed.   I decided that since I technically didn't do week 4 day three that I would redo it.   It was a rough run.   There was one time in the last 5 minute run segment that I wanted to stop.  I felt my self falter in my stride as I prepared to stop....but then I told myself .  NO!   Keep going!   I did...and well.....I did it.   Sometimes what my body is capable of amazes me. 

 I've told myself to not worry about my times and my pace while I am doing he c25k program.....but we all know me.....and I have to say that while today's run was rough, I managed to do it and knock roughly a half minute off of each mile..  Not shabby....if I were counting that is.  

My weight is up.  I'm not happy about it.  But I know what the problem is....my eating is off the cuff.  Last night it was a Chinese Buffet with Paula.  Yeah yeah yeah.....another eat out. (and tonight will probably be another one....don't be a hater!)   We had our fun and we had our deep conversations.  We had to laugh because there was a guy dining alone at the table beside us...and he was OBVIOUSLY listening to everything we said.  Hope he enjoyed the conversations about our boyfriends, my ex, our work and running.  

Of course we opened our fortunes and I about fell off my chair because for the first time I got a fortune that really spoke to me.  And lets remember that for a while I would open my fortune cookie and there would either be a blank slip of paper or there wouldn't be any slip of paper....and you wonder why I was praying to die to get out of the situation I was in....even the fortune cookies picked up on my desperation.  ha ha ha   Anyway, I digress.......the fortune cookie that spoke to me.   (because aren't fortunes really more words of wisdom???)

My eyes literally got huge.   Wow...this one is something I need to remember.   For so many reasons!

No, no, no.....I don't pine after my soon to be ex. (very soon if I'm lucky!)  So I am not wasting time  wondering and thinking about him.   BUT, it's hard to not sit and feel crappy because of the FAILURE.  I obsess over the fact that I'm going to be a divorce'.   I grew up in a culture where divorce was really looked down upon and while I know my family and my friends don't give a hoot because they love me.....I still have those memories of 'the bad divorced person'   in my mind.   So this fortune/words of wisdom are good on me.  The divorce is happening.  In my mind it is a done deal...I just have to wait for our government to recognize what I already know with absolute certainty!     So I need to stop wasting my time worrying and thinking about the negative stuff...I need to stop worrying about being the 'big bad divorced lady'  and I need to stop thinking that this is a failure on my part.  (Heck, my ex flat out tells me that he knows that 99% of the marital break up was him......so why do I feel like a failure!)   Well....I think it's time to follow the advice of this fortune.

I have also been mired in a different situation.   I have been dreaming about the 'what if'.  The what if has been there for some time now...but it was a total long shot so it was just a good thought.  But in the last few weeks the what if has become a greater possibility for the future.  It is still a total long shot...but it has caused my mind to spin more wildly.   And this fortune/advice was for me....because I need to stop worrying about the what if's that might have been and might be.  I need to live my life day by day and if the what if's happen then I an be happy.    

How does this pertain to a weight loss blog?   Lots of ways!  .Emotions affect my eating and my life.   I can't let that happen...not for the negative at least.

 I also  obsess about the past.  If only I had not stopped running consistently, then I wouldn't be back redoing the c25k!   If only I had not regained the weight. If only I had not.......  It is self destructive!  I can't change the past.   Today and tomorrow are the days that  I can change.  So lets do it!

Come back!!!

On Friday afternoon I went out to lunch.   We have fallen into the routine of appetizers (pretzel sticks on Friday) and I got a buffalo chicken sandwich and fries.  I was so full that come dinner I was still stuffed to the point of being sick.   Really?   Why do I do it to myself.    I thought about it long and hard and decided that I need to stop ordering my food out of long ago habits.  I need to make new habits and return to my weight loss lifestyle habits!

You see, what I ordered is what the old maryfran would have ordered.   The 300 plus pound MaryFran would have ordered that (ok at least I didn't order dessert too!!).  My life is in an upheaval and I have just automatically slipped back into the habits, roles and routine that last felt comfortable.   Where did the 'no thank you, I don't want fries' girl go?   Where did the 'no appetizer today but thank you all the same' girl on a mission disappear to?  We can call her Elvis, because she definitely left the building!!!!     As I lay in bed thinking about it I knew that I was totally satisfied when I was eating the meals without fries....and the meals without appetizers.   100% satisfied and I felt great...none of this stuffed so full that I'm afraid a cat will scratch me and set free an explosion of pent up food.  The path I'm on is not a good one!!

So I am proud to say that when I went out to eat with a good friend of mine on Saturday at lunch that I ordered a salad.   Ok, so it had crispy deep fried chicken in it....it was still a salad.  (Was a time that I would have not ordered the crispy chicken and instead gotten grilled chicken or no chicken at all!)   I also was so happy to see my friend that I ate slow and ended up not licking my plate clean. (I actually left food...unheard of lately!)  And I felt fabulous after eating...none of the stuffed feeling for me on Saturday!!!

Sunday morning...another run.  Still happy with my decision to bump up one more week in the couch to 5k training.  It is hard but I can do it...a challenge is good!!!

And on the note of running....why is it that I feel I must take a picture of myself while running...or rather at the end of my run???  It's almost like in my mind the run is not complete without the obligatory selfie!   Yeah, I'm bonkers!!

While talking to my friend on Saturday I realized (with his kind words of encouragement) that I NEED to figure out the food thing.   I get home much later...most days after my parents have eaten.  I don't want to cook anything major for myself.  Thus I default to a pb&j or make a box of macaroni and cheese for myself. (I can say that most of the time at least the box of Mac-n-cheese works as two meals!).  Not horrible choices but not awesome. (Ok they are horrible..the Mac-n-cheese at least)   So I tend to end up grabbing food on the way home...more horrible choices!   Both weight wise and financially speaking.    I've gotta figure this out!!!!  

Hotter than Hades

I really pondered what to do with my couch to 5k run the other day.   Where I started was not exactly easy but it really wasn't that difficult either.  I couldn't decide if I should stay on that week of the training or if I should bump it up a week.   I waffled back and forth for the last two days.  But today I decided to go for broke.  If it wasn't difficult then I was starting too easy.  So I bumped it up to the next week.   GOOD CHOICE!    

My run this morning was hard.  There were some times during the run portions that I was just begging myself to stop running and walk a bit.  I however stuck with it and did not walk until the program told me to walk and when it told me to run.....I ran again.  No questions asked.  I just did it.

It was hot outside!!!!!!  Even at 7/7:30 in the morning!  But I did it.  And I even took time to stop and smell the roses.  No worries...it was during the cool down walk.  :-)

Last night I mowed the yards here....and then I moved furniture.  Once again it was HOT!   Summer is definitely here.

So I've been moving.....now to get the food back in line and I'll be rolling!

And this is definitely my cat's mode of operation!!!!

Masterpiece

Wow.....running.   I've been so lax.   Running has been non existent yet I still have plans for running the donut alley rally (not to self....register for that puppy). And I still have the grandiose plan for running this half marathon in October (the rock and roll half in Philly).    I had sat down and looked at training plans and had realized that if I could consistently run 3 miles by the beginning of August that I would be right in line to start a half training.  I've been lazy and realize that I need to run NOW and not later.   And by consistently running I mean running regularly and also running and not wimping out and walk-running.  

So I have been a struggling with running and decided that maybe I need to redo the couch to 5k program.  I knew I probably wouldn't need to start at the beginning.  Today I jumped in and did it.   I decided to try week 3.   I managed it pretty well.   I am torn between completing week three or pushing forward to week four...just finding my starting point since I'm not exactly a beginner.  Lol

So today I started.   

As I was running I realized that this was probably the best thing.   The voice on the program tells me when to walk and when to run.   I follow it diligently.  No deviations.  When I'm just interval running on my own trying to build up my endurance I just run until I feel the need to stop.   And I probably cut myself short of what I am capable of!   I know for a fact that if I follow the couch to 5k program that it works and I will be running straight lengths of time...I just need to do it!!

I listened to the Andy Crammer album this morning as I ran.  I finally downloaded it based on the song honey I'm good (catchy good song) I was listening and running my little heart out (or walking depending on the instructions at the moment) and the song masterpiece came on...   Nice song.   We are in the drivers seat...we can create the masterpiece of our lives...it's up to us!!!!!!

and the lyrics

"Masterpiece"

Life is a canvas you paint in the mind
Colors dance, spill outside the lines
I refuse to settle, never the black and white
Rock the neons until the day I die

I’m on a constant search to make my heart swell
Bite off too much, chew like hell
Half my nights spent in a hotel
Price I paid to escape the conveyor belt

One, you get one heartbeat so, take it seriously
This is your masterpiece, don’t forget to dream
And taste the colors in the air you breathe
It’s your masterpiece, go ahead and feel it all
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful

Close my eyelids, take a deep breath
Feel the lightening down to my chest
I’m just a piece of art, and the paints fresh
Cuz I’m not yet finished yet
I’ve got a pregnant mind that wants to give birth
Breathe life into these big words
I can hear the universe in my ear

She whispers, you get one, one heartbeat so take it seriously
This is your masterpiece, don’t forget to dream
And taste the colors in the air you breathe
It’s your masterpiece, go ahead and feel it all
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
And you can settle for a normal life
Said that your afraid of heights
But you were meant to light the sky

This is your masterpiece
Don’t forget to breathe and taste the colors in the air you breathe
This is your masterpiece go ahead and feel it all
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa..)
Don’t stop till it is beautiful

Fighting

Fighting for all I'm worth.  I have gotten lost along the way.  In more ways than I really WANT to admit.....but because I am always brutally honest on my blog I will make the confessions.

I have gained 30 pounds since I moved in with my parents.  Why yes.  30 pounds.  I'm struggling.  I say I'm going to work on getting it under control and I actually start and then it falls apart.  For whatever reason.  Sometimes it falls apart because I a go away (like the weekend at the ocean) sometimes it falls apart because emotions get to me.  Sometimes it falls apart because I am a social eater..  So many reasons. But the end result is the same.  I've gained weight and it's not pretty.

I've already admitted to the marriage falling apart.  I am struggling.  I am over my ex husband but I struggle with the failure of my marriage.  I struggle with failing.  I struggle with the label of divorcee (which I am not one yet....VERY soon hopefully).   I struggle.   It's hard to walk away from the life that I had created.....even if it was a life created upon his lies and deeds.  Life is different and I've not found my stride yet.

My job has been a bit of a trial lately.   I won't go into it, but it's not a great situation.   A small part of it is that it is a small town of 800 people and my soon to be ex husband lives there.  So as all small towns are, everyone knows everything and that's not good for me right now. 

Somedays I just want to give up. It's overwhelming to have pretty much every aspect of your life crumble around you. I try to tell myself that if everything is in a pile of rubble around me then I have the opportunity to rise from the ashes and create something fabulous.  But most days it feels like an insurmountable pile of rubble to climb over.  

And then tonight, I was driving home from dinner and I heard this song and this is MY song!  It was written for me.   Ironically enough, a few weeks ago my youngest nephew talked about this song and I listened to it with him.  And I remember saying "cool song" but it wasn't until I heard it tonight that it really hit me.     Powerful......and what a message to hear and to turn into my words.   So here it is......Rachel Platten, "Fight Song"  in video form and also in lyric form. 

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Ummmmmmm

So that redo didn't go well!

Why yes I ate out...just a tad.  Two waffle house meals (in one day), Texas Roadhouse, Bob Evans, Papa Johns, Jimmy Johns, Buffalo Wild Wings, Battleview and Nutters Ice Cream shop.  It was not a stellar week.

I'm holding my own weight wise.  Does that count for ANYTHING?

My week was ABSOLUTELY NUTS.   It started on Monday when my soon to be ex ran into my car.  I do believe you read that right.  He ran into my parked car.  The damage wasn't TOO  bad.

Luckily I was able to pound/pop it out pretty easily only leaving a tiny ding.  (ok, thank you to my father and brother for doing it).  Ohhh, why didn't I turn it into insurance?  The car he was driving....still in my name and on my insurance!   Believe me.....that was switched THIS WEEK!

I was busy.....I had to say goodbye to a person in my life that I care about but it was for the best to let go.   So lots of tears.

I had to deal with my soon to be ex more than I preferred!  

Zumba is knocked down for the summer to two classes a week.  I had to miss the Monday night class because I had a nice dent in my car that I wanted looked at.  I did make it to Wednesdays class.  Running???  That didn't happen.  My excuse (I'm so good at excuses) was that the cut/wound on my foot from when I was walking the beach last Sunday morning is still not healed and still hurts like heck!   I have to get cracking on this running thing.  Speaking of running, I am contemplating going through the couch to 5k running program again.  I think it will be easier (and I an probably start a few weeks into the program...but that it would be a great way to ease back in and maybe pick up some speed!)

I took my camera out with me again this morning.  I enjoyed my time with my camera in my hand again.   It feels good.  For so long it was my source of happiness and then it just bothered me to use my camera.......so it was refreshing for the second time to just enjoy.