Sunburn City

Last Monday I took the day off from work.....yes, I stayed 'home' sick.  It was a mental health day.  My friend Paula and I went into DC for the day.   The Cherry Blossoms were in full bloom and they were absolutely gorgeous!!!!!!!!!   We walked well over 10 miles and it felt great!

UP close and personal with the Cherry Blossoms

  I did end up with a bit of a sunburn.....so I had to tell my co-workers that I was just feverish!  ha ha ha.  They laughed because they knew it was a day for me to get away and decompress.....or rather try to decompress.

The Weather was GORGEOUS!  Perfect day to hit up all sorts of the outdoor monuments.  We hit up The Vietnam Memorial, The Korean War Memorial, Lincoln Memorial, Haines Point, Washington Monument, The DC War Memorial, The Signers of the Declaration of Independence Memorial, And I am sure some more!

Paula and I

Cherry Blossoms and Moi

 I went back to work on Tuesday and it was just a rough week.  I'm not sure why my emotions were all over the place...but they were.  Just brutal.   And yes, I ate.  I ate like a pig.  GAH!  Why do I do it to myself??????

Friday I came to a conclusion.  I have to do something.  I'm miserable with my weight and I'm just not happy.  My inclination is to go back to Weight Watchers.  Seriously, the accountability, the meetings, the support worked for me before.  But I am tight on money (singlehood is rough on my paycheck).  I hate to spend the money.   SO I decided that I need to track my food.  I also need to actually work at it. If I am tracking and or lose (either/or) each week I will put money into my 'play fund account.....vacation money!)  This way the money is still staying with ME....and I have motivation.  If it doesn' work,  I start weight watchers!

Saturday came and I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and my friend Paula got me up and moving.   This time we hiked up to Maryland Heights.  It's a gorgeous overlook.  Yes, overlook....which means walking up hill for an hour and twenty minutes!  I'm a big girl.  The last time I went up to Maryland Heights I was at my lowest weight and it was still a hard climb but not brutal.  My current weight.....BRUTAL!  But I did it!    I also tracked my food all day! (even though the hike up and back down the mountain netted me just under 2000 earned calories!)

Harpers Ferry down below!

We felt so awesome after our hike on Saturday that we decided to repeat it (with something a little less strenuous though!)   So we headed down to Great Falls, on the Potomac, Maryland side.  We hiked on the canal....and we went out to the falls.  The lack of mountains didn't net us as many calories, but it did earn me 1000 calories. 

Potomac River behind and below me (probably 50 feet below where I was standing)

A gorge where the water was rushing through

I may or may not have a another sunburn upon my return to work.  

I am in the process of rebuilding my life.  It hit me today.  I need to make it an active lifestyle.  I don't want my new lifestyle sitting on a couch.  I want to be up and moving!!!!!

I want it to be a THIN lifestyle!

I don' know how the emotions will play out this upcoming week...but I can hope that they are more calm!!!

So day two of my eating has been tracked.   I haven't eaten the 'best'   I did have Sweet Frog Yogurt after the Mountain yesterday.  (Hey, it was hot!...and I got lowfat and piled on the fresh strawberries!).   I also went out last night and had pizza.  HA HA HA  Today I did have a piece of cheesecake for our late lunch.....so late that dinner didn't happen. (I called the cheesecake the dinner).   Even with those things I didn't eat even half of my exercise calories.  And I feel satisfied!

So here I go!

Excuses

Today would have been my 13th wedding anniversary.  

My ex made sure I knew he was going away for a few days with his new girlfriend.  (All dressed up in clothes he wouldn't wear for me because they were uncomfortable....)

I've eaten a crapload of food today.   

Think there is a correlation?  

You know, I don't want the loser (I have more colorful names for him too) back.  But I mourn the loss of dreams.  I mourn the loss of what was supposed to be.  I mourn the sadness.   

So I'm allowing myself the candy. (And cookie, and the banana split flurry....)  Today.  But this has to end.  He is not worth eating myself back up to an astronomical weight!!!!!!

Not what I wanted

Last weekend was the Cooper River Bridge 10K in Charleston, SC.  I registered for this race back in December (it had been planned through since summer).   I just didn't train for it....so a few weeks back I started a mad dash to be ready to run this 10k.  I actually did it.  Two weeks before the run I was able to complete a 5.5 mile run.  It was slow but I did it.  Two days later, I twisted my ankle in a step zumba class and thus began the pain in my ankle.

I was determined to still do this 10k.....as I had already paid for the run and the hotel.   I rested the foot and hoped for the best.

Pre-race

On the Bridge

The bridge that I crossed is on the backdrop

It was cold...being the northern girl that I am I braved it.....my friend Sue cut holes in socks o use as gloves.

When the day came I made an executive decision.  I dropped back into a walkers corral with my friend and decided to walk it.   Totally not what I wanted.  Absolutely disappointing.  100% the best decision for me.      Watch out Cooper River Bridge Run....I WILL run you sooner or later!

It was still fun to walk this race.

Sooooooo.......this was my first 'huge' race experience.  The cap the registration at 40,000 participants.    I knew it was big but I really didn't think about the scope of soooo many people.

People as far as the eye could see

So here is my Charleston, SC weekend in pictures.

Food:   SOOO Delicious....

Sight Seeing:

Old Churches

Historic Roads (and me)

Old Graveyards

Old theaters 

City Market

Old Houses

Fort Sumter

A busy Day

So I have been trying to accept and move on.........

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     Today was busy.  I woke up and why yes....I did get my run in!  5 miles of running and if I include my warm up walk and my cool down walk I knocked out 5.5 miles.  Not bad.   I know when I was running higher miles before that about mile 4 or 5 my knee would start to bother me.  It did again today.  And as for this evening?  OUCH, the arthritis is kicking!  (wow look at those chapped lips!)

After my run I relaxed a bit at the house and then went to my nieces gymnastic meet.  

Afterward I stayed hom and watched  movie and then went out for a bite to eat with my parents.  Now I'm home....finishing laundry and getting ready to watch the walking dead!

A smidge of this and a smidge of that

Whoopie Pies.... I got home from work and there were four red velvet whoopie pies laying on the dining room table.   I knew that they were leftover from the market where my mother sells baked goods (yes, is it any wonder I've gained weight since living here with my parents???).  I knew it was something I could eat...yet I held off.  I ignored that whoopie pie for 3 hours!   Yes, I did!    And then....well......  It was DELICIOUS!    GRRRRR

Thursday and Friday were good running paraphernalia days for me.   Earlier this week I ordered a Running Buddy from Amazon.  I've been seeing the advertisements and I checked out the reviews and they look to be pretty good.  I HATE running with an arm band.  In the winter I just tuck my phone in my pocket of my sweatshirt...but what do you do in the summer?  Tuck your phone in your bra?   Carry it?   Wear a dreaded armband?   So I saw these little pocket thingies.  They have a flap and the flap goes on the inside of your pants and the pocket goes on the outside  It is kept in place by two strong magnets.  Hmmmm.  I bite and bought one.  (Ohhh and did I mention that it's big enough for my iphone 6plus??? Well it is!)  It came in the mail on Thursday.  Then last night I ended up running into Walmart with a friend.   I couldn't resist the bright pink pants!   From there it was an easy leap to buy the 'no slip headband'  (ha no slip...we shall see about that..headbands ALWAYS slip on me...I must have a misshapen head or something!).   So I will be decked out in new gear tomorrow when I attempt a 5 mile run. 

I am starting to think about what I will wear for my 10 mile run.  Maybe my new pants.  hmmm    Hot pink sounds fun anytime right???  Hat or non slip headband is a big question...probably hat.....hmmmm pink hats...I have my Chicago (the band) breast cancer awareness hat...or my pink hershey kiss hat......decisions decisions.  Oh goodie...maybe I should buy a Charleston, SC hat while I'm down there.   But ohhh heavens...I'm planning on going to the expo.....who knows what I'll be buying!

Yes, I am 2 weeks exactly from my 10k.  Actually, two weeks from right now I will be either sitting saying "wow....I did it.....or drat I failed miserably!"   I have run three times in the last week.  Tomorrow is a 5 mile run...then through the next week I plan on running at least 3-4  two to three mile runs.   THen next Saturday or Sunday hit up another 4-5 mile run and then hit one or two 2 mile runs that week before the 10k.  Yes, I think I should really have run a 6 mile training run...but you know what.....If I can do 5 miles I can do 6......chump change!

skin of my teeth

I'm still holding steady in my efforts.  I've been regular with my exercise this week and I've kept my eating under control. (Ok, yesterday lunch was a bit much....but then I wasn't hungry the rest of the day so I kinda just snacked...)

On Tuesday I was so excited because the scales were showing me down.  Then life happened and even though my eating wasn't out of control and my exercise is spot on.....the scales are not being friendly to me right now.  Hopefully they will right themselves within a few days.  It's frustrating to say the least.  

I went running today and well......I started out aiming for a 4 miles run.  I made it a bit shy of 3 miles..  Better than no miles!   I struggled from the get go to regulate my breathing.  It was just all over the place.  Regardless I did it.

Emotionally....I'm struggling...but hanging on, by the skin of my teeth.

Can this be it???

Saturday was the end of the road for me.  I decided I was tired of feeling this way.   As Paula and I made our plans I was committed.  I was going to do this.   The Cooper River Bridge (Yes, in Charleston, SC) run was looming and honestly I was petrified about being prepared to run it.  (Call me crazy but my brutal two mile runs that I had been putting in once a month...ok maybe twice a month wasn't going to suffice and I knew it!).   Spending the day with Paula was just what I needed.   We made our tentative plans for this half marathon (October 31 in Philly) and we made a challenge for each other.    I just had to start carrying out these plans and working toward my goals.  We were confronted all day be health and fitness....even as far as seeing a small health expo.  Where I decided to listen to the chiropractic spiel.  (Was not impressed with her....AT ALL...but it made a fun picture.

Sunday dawned and it was warm.  I got ready to head out to run.   4 miles later and I was done.  It took me an hour to run those four miles and there were moments where I (may or may not have) rolled my eyes a few times during the run.  But I ran 4 miles.  I feel a bit better about the prospect of completing a 10k at the end of this month.  I was slow.  Really slow.  As in if I run at that speed I'll finish it 10-15 minutes slower than the 10k in October. 

I also kept my eating under control on Sunday.   Yes, really!!!!!   Not just under control....I tracked!  Was I over a bit?  Yes, I was over my budget of 1200 calories.  But oh wait, I ran for an hour.   (Yes, you burn a fair amount of calories as a fat girl running....ha ha ha....see there are perks to being fat!)   So in reality, I was spot on (and I didn't eat all my earned calories so it's a good thing!)

So how is Monday going?    Well, my eating has been spot on thus far. (and tracked).  I ran 2 miles this morning. (Admittedly, it was a more rough run this morning than yesterday...but that's ok...some runs will be difficult some will be awesome). 

 I have my gym bag packed and in my possession so that I can get myself to Zumba after work tonight. Why yes, I plan on going to zumba tonight.   My legs are achy today but I know that I will push through at zumba and that I'll feel wonderful after we stretch and call it a night.  :-)

Water consumption.  Check.  I'm doing well with the water intake too!

I thought I would take a few minutes to respond to the inquiry/comments about my cats.  My cats are not in any pain or unhappy and miserable with their 'old age' conditions.  Ethel gets stiff from her arthritis as do most older 'folks'.  But she still trucks around and enjoys life (and yes, I do have some things set up to make it easier for her to navigate). Yes, Lucy has an inoperable cancerous tumor, but if you spent time with her it's obvious that she is not in pain from it. (In fact the vet said she probably wouldn't be even up to the end....and they gave me the signs to look for to know when I need to bring her in for an intervention)  That said, that old girl gets around better than my 5 year old cat.  Lucy is also a happy cat, always purring and wanting loved. My cats are under a veterinarians care.  Regardless of any heroic measures a veterinarian may suggest (mine is pretty grounded and I don't expect heroic measures for my old girls)  I would not allow my cats to live in misery.  I know that the day will come when I have to make that decision.  But that day is not today.  My cats are living a happy life.  (well, they are unhappy when they want to go upstairs and their grandma and grandpa aren't home to let them upstairs....meaning they have to stay downstairs in my personal area.....and yes, they let their grandma and grandpa know what they want and they get what they want!!!!!)

Plans

Maybe this will be a post in pictures......  hmmm

I am doing well with the water and I'm trying to incorporate more fruist and veggies into my diet.  

My swag for the Cooper River Bridge Run arrived.   I am woefully prepared but it is 3 weeks away come hell or high water. (possibly both).

Still enjoying my niece and nephews.  :-) 

I will stop to say that I have a challenge that I'm starting tomorrow.  I should be eligible to actually file for the divorce in October of this year (stupid waiting period).  My friend Paula and I also plan on running a half marathon in October.  We are tentatively looking at running a Rock and Roll half in Philadelphia on October 31.  So this is a multi part challenge.  I want to be 50 pounds lighter.  I'm not going to beat around the bush.  I've gained 15-20 pounds since the separation commenced. I'm at the HIGHEST weight I've been in a LONG time.  So 50 pounds will put me back in onederland.  I want that.  That is my goal...so when I go to that divorce hearing that I'm sitting at a nice low weight!   I also want to run this half marathon at a much lower weight.     My friend has a weight goal also.  She is closer to her goal weight (and shorter).   So we are aiming for 1 pound a week for her and 2 pounds a week for me.   There are a few 'mess up' weeks for us in there...but we have a goal and a fun idea of where we can flaunt our new bodies.   The running/training will help us lose the weight too.  All hand in hand.  So that is the plan we concocted today.  ha ha ha ha

Consistency

Working on water consumption.  I've talked a few times about my move and the taste of the water where I'm at.  I was used to well water.  Here the water is good water, but it's highly chlorinated.  I feel like I'm drinking straight up pool water.  I've tried bottled water (that's just annoying and the extra jug/pitcher of water is space consuming) and lemon (good for a quick fix but not on a daily basis).    And then I stumbled upon the Britta Bottles.  I bought one to try.   It worked  The water tastes, dare I say it 'good'.   So I quickly bought a second one and I'm on a roll.  I am doing much better with my water consumption.

So maybe I found the trick for that aspect of this journey.
The eating. YIKES   Lets just say that it's crazy and I KNOW I have to change it. I'm feeling miserable  plain and simple.   And lets talk about the fact that my clothes are all getting tight.  GRRR  This is NO FUN!   Something has to happen.  Either I give up and decide to be a sluggard or I start being careful again.     Being a sluggard is tempting. I have an addition.  I don't have an addiction to one type of food.  My 'type of food' that I turn to changes.  One day it may be potato chips.  The next day it may be peanut butter.  Cake.  Bread.  Pasta.  Pie.  I can be anything.  And it makes it hard and so utterly tempting to just give in.  However.  I don't like this feeling.  So I'm gonna have to kick and claw.  It doesn't help that 'tis the season' for peanut butter eggs.   Ohhhh peanut butter how I love you. (ha ha ha)  Either way  I know that I can do it.  And I CAN resist the food that calls my name on any given day. I've done it before.  It is possible.  I know that it will take consistency in my efforts to achieve my goals.

Seaking of consistency.  This weather we have been having is pretty consistently crappy.   And it's upsetting the consistency of my attempts to run and my attempts to train for his 10K that is in a few short weeks.   GRRRR This 10k is going to be brutal.  But i I have to run/walk it, I will!  No worries.  And Paula is talking about doing a 1/2 marathon this fall..one of the Rock and Roll halves......Am I nuts for saying "Sure!  Sounds like fun!"   I will need consistency for that to happen.   Hmmmm

Somber

I'm gaining weight.  Plain and simple.  I'm gaining weight.   I know why I'm gaining and I just seem powerless to stop it.

You see, I have a food addiction.  And just like an alcoholic turns to the bottle when life just kinda....well....sucks.  I turn to food.  It's not an excuse.  It's just a fact.  Food is my drug of choice.   It was highlighted this morning as I decided to pick up a breakfast sandwich on the way to work.  Burger King.   Yeah, that's a bad sign right there.  And when I order my meal and ask for it to be upsized to the biggest size possible because I need the big drink is the next bad sign.  Is that everything?  Why no....the mini cinnabons are there.  Would I like one two or three?   Why three of course!  And I scarfed that food down while driving down the road.....even the deliciously gooey cinnabon mini's!   Lunch.....oh lets just let it drop.  I was emotional (was is an understatement...AM) and I ate today.

I know that this has to stop.  I have to stop the weight gain.  I have to stop this.  I want to lose not gain.

I've long said that weight loss goes hand in hand with emotional health and boy this is proving it.

The emotions.  Yes, it bothers me that my ex is Mr. Jovial and  Mr. Man that is out dating and being the man that I had always wished I had in my life.   I don't want him back, but it bothers me to see him doing stuff that I would have given my eyeteeth to do and have.  That coupled with more dating disasters on my end (I have knick names for the guys I've seen/talked to......and they are not very complimentary......tiny taco, the elf,  blacktooth.....)  Just too much.  Bring on the food.

I'm going to vow again to try to bring it under control.  Maybe this time will be the magical attempt.

Checking in

Well, here I am again.  I feel fat bloated and just miserable.  Why oh why do I do it to myself?   My parents eat so differently from what I am used to....just getting meatless food sometimes is difficult.  It's not stubborness, it's just not thinking, 'cooking the spaghetti sauce in the pan that you browned the meatballs is just as bad as adding beef to the sauce because of all the little itty bits of beef left in the sauce!'   I feel bad because my parents are nice enough to feed their wayward daughter so I eat it.  grrrr.  But that is more of a personal preference.  The issue that I'm REALLY struggling with is the sweets.  My mom bakes so there is always stuff here.  No one forces me to eat this stuff.  I'm doing it to myself!  Yet I seem to lack any kind of will power to resist!  

That said, I am doing just a tad bit better.  A tad.  The leftover chocolate icing still gets me every time.  :-)  But hey, at least I'm eating the homemade chocolate (delicious) icing on a banana and on strawberries!

The diet soda thing.....well.......it's still an ongoing issue as evidenced in the picture.  Buying a super sized fountain drink wasn't enough, I had to have a spare can handy!  This has gotta change too.  Today I bought a britta water bottle.  Maybe this will help me with the water consumption!  (Plus it had the ounce marks and I loved that on one of my old water bottles!)

Maybe this water bottle will do the trick!

I keep wondering if weight watchers



Running....uhhhhhh I'm paying the price for not running consistently after I ran the 10k back in October. Yeah, I was so sore after my previous runs. And it's SOOOO freakin' cold to be out there running my sluggish and oh so gorgeous training runs where I can barely make it two miles!

Why yes, I actually ran  in 17 degree weather (it was actually colder, I was done running by that time!  I was actually not freezing cold until the last 1/4 mile and then my stomach felt like it was a block of ice that if I got an ice pick I could chip off.  It was tempting but I was pretty sure that was not the best way to lose weight!

Meanwhile, I'm playing the piano and  lovin' on my kitties.  Trying to keep the errant and crazy emotions at bay.  (don't think that's working too well!)

And we are off!!!

I'm not going to say it.  I refuse to say it!  Seriously!   If I say that life seems to be settling down, something will happen.  A cat, a dad, another cat, a marriage, a job.  SOMETHING.   So I'm just not going to say it.  Infer away....I'm just not going to say it.

I actually had a somewhat active weekend.  Lots of walking.  Lots of activity.  Lots of movement.  I didn't eat 'too' horribly, but I knew that I needed to buckle down.  So as of this morning, I am back to tracking. I've got three hundred calories for dinner...so  bit slim pickings for dinner. (however, I haven't eaten my apple and I am stuffed so I may be able to add 65 calories back into my food.  That said, I ran this morning. (more on that later) and I plan on doing zumba tonight.  So just my morning run netted me some calories that I can consume and not kill my 'budget'.   SO I'm back.  Working it.....or rather going to try. 

The cakes, pies, pastries, oreos, chocolate icing and just BAD (but oh so yummy) foods that are plentiful at my parents house are a thing of the past.  I can resist.  I WILL resist.   I've got this!

Running.  I ran the 10k back in October and I was proud of myself for completing it.  I vowed to work on speed....and then promptly fell apart (coincidentally right in step with when my marriage fell apart.....ironic isn't it?).   Earlier last year I had agreed to run a 10k with a friend.   In late November she texted me to let me know that the price was going up on Dec. 15th and that if I wanted to do it to jump on it.  I got the particulars that I needed to register and I was ready.  I made plans to start running....at least 3-4 miles each week so that when it was time to really dive into training that I would be ready.   Oh yes, I made that plan.     The last time I ran?   January 1, 2015.    Why yes, I seem to have skipped a full month.  And lets be honest, December was spotty at best.  November was non-existent as I moved and the latter part of October was shot as I struggled with my decisions.  So here I am....beginning of February and I haven't run.  Not to worry, not to worry.  Plenty of time before my 10k!    On Friday it hit me.  This 10k is CLOSE  as in about 8 weeks.   Or so I thought.  In reality, 7 weeks.  Uhhhhhh  yeah, this is NOT going to be pretty.   I did a fair amount of walking on Saturday and I planned to be out on the canal a bit in the morning on Sunday.  Perfect!   Walking to limber me up and then while I was out on the canal I could just swap out shoes, throw on the headphones and take a wee little jog. This would be perfect as I usually do a ''benchmark" weekly jog on the canal to assess my progress....flat, no traffic, no stops and in the summer mostly shaded.   PERFECT!  I would get my first jog in and give myself a starting point....a benchmark so to speak.

I had no grand illusions.  I knew that it was not going to be a brutal run. Oh yeah, I knew it.  My goal was 2 miles.  I HOPED to make it two miles.  I was going to be happy with whatever.  We have to start somewhere.   I am proud to say I made it the two miles that I set out to do.  It actually wasn't that bad.  I'm not going to say it was easy.  I"m not going to say it was fast.   But I did it and it didn't kill me.  Slow....but I completed it.

Riding high on my success, and with this end of march 10k looming, I made plans to run this morning.  2 miles.  that's all I wanted to complete. I laid out my workout clothes last night!!!   Running clothes and warm stuff for my jog and exercise clothes for Zumba.  Notice I didn't lay out clothes for work...did I just let everyone see what's important to me???

  My friend Paula joined me.  It was a bit cool......

Ok, it was cold.   And it was a bit rainy.   And oh my word, my body is SORE.  I walked a fair amount of my run today.  It just wasn't happening.  But I was out there and I was moving and I'm on my way!

So here we go again!

Wow....what a week

I made my last post.  I was on top of it.  I was changing my habits little by little and things were looking up.  And then.  Seriously, isn't there always a 'but then.."

I knew that my father had been having headaches and that his condition was worsening.  I knew that on Thursday (the day of my post) that he had a doctors appointment.   I figured that he was having migraines again (he had them when I was younger) or that it was something else (he had shingles once and had horrible headaches from that).  So I wasn't concerned.  My worry ratcheted up a notch when my mom let me know that they were taking him for an immediate Cat scan.   My worry exploded into absolute fear when my mom called shortly after the Cat scan to tell me that the doctor had sent the immediately to the ER.  Dad had a subdural hematoma....most likely resulting from a fall on some ice back in November (yes, November....my dad is a very lucky blessed man) The pressure of the accumulated blood was causing the headaches and creating the disorientation and other symptoms.   We all met at the hospital and waited.  Surgery can correct the problem (remove/drain the excess blood thereby relieving the pressure) .  There was a glitch...dad has been on blood thinners ever since he had a stent put in for his heart issues.  BIG issue.    To do surgery while someone is on blood thinners is inviting more bleeding...the very thing we were trying to correct.  Decisions decisions (for the doctors...we were at their mercy).  Dad was admitted to the hospital where they watched him closely and gave him meds to help with the swelling and the pain and meds to avoid badness from happening (anti seizure meds).   It was a waiting game.  It was riskier to do the surgery versus wait under the blood thinners had worked out of his system.  Dad was a bit disoriented and loopy at times (pressure on the brain does that) ..and while it was HORRIBLE to see, it was funny.  We passed the week mark and the doctors decided the risks had been significantly lowered and decided to operate.    The surgery went well and we all breathed a sigh of relief.  He is now home and while he looks like he was in a horrible fight (and lost) because of his swollen head and the black and blue eyes and cheek, he is on the mend.   We are continuing to pray as there is a chance of further bleeding and that could necessitate another surgery (without the long wait this time as he is off his blood thinners....minimally they like to wait a week....optimally two weeks).

Sooooooo  lets just say that MaryFran's eating was....well.......off the hook!   Fast food, donuts, late night eating, coming home exhausted late at night and having a dinner of oreos!   Why yes, I did say oreos.  (my mom's wonderful chocolate icing was a really good dinner and snack also!)   Today was the first day that I drank water. The rest of the time it was pepsi, or dr. pepper.   Hey, at least it was Diet drinks!

I'm reigning it back in. I didn't go to zumba tonight.  I ended up falling ill on Sunday. Ok, not really falling ill that was so melodramatic and I couldn't resist.  The exhaustion from the week and a half in the hospital was not the cause of my headaches and eventual sore throat.  My sinus' were draining and really did a number on my head and I just kinda crashed.  I was still sluggish this morning and decided to not go.....figuring that not over extending myself was a wise choice for today.

Soooooo, my world has YET to settle down.   My life has YET to be calm.   My life is still falling apart....and I'm starting to wonder if I should put a sign around my neck that says "come near me at your own risk!"

Meanwhile, the cats are doing ok.    Holding their own.  :-)

One foot in front of the other

Why is this so difficult?  I kept vowing to try and start and work on this weight I'm all over this I kept telling myself.  And every day I would eat candy or french fries or something that would throw me for a loop and make me say "tomorrow" is the day.   Starting was proving to be the killer.

Toward the end of last week I made a vow to myself.  I was going to track my food....no matter what. I didn't matter what I chose to eat, all that matter was that I tracked EACH AND EVERY BITE!   Who cares if I was eating 40000 calories, my only responsibility was to track.  Now before you gasp and think, "what in the world, she just gave herself permission to eat anything".....I know that when I see the calories being consumed that I will freak and it will automatically pull me into control.

It worked....until yesterday.

Yesterday morning was bad.  I felt like one hot emotional wreck.  Just full of tears over everything.  I pulled myself together to go make breakfast and pack my lunch and proceeded to slice my hand open pretty badly (bad enough that half of my hand aches today....and it hurts to type!).  By the time I got that to stop bleeding and get myself ready for work it was time to go and I hadn't eaten breakfast yet.  So I did what anyone would do.  I stopped on the way.

I told myself just a breakfast sandwich and a small drink.  But you know what happened.  "Would you like to make that a meal"    And of course I answered yes and with no hesitation when she asked "super sized" I said yes also.   And that just set me up for a day of food debauchery.   (bad start to eating and roaring emotions...yup, failure)

All was not lost.....I still had zumba to help me burn off some calories.   But the snow.....

Emotions?  Why you ask.  Well of course I still have 'Cancer Kitty"  Who I watch (with a nervous twitch) every day...wondering if today is the day that she will no longer be able to eat or swallow past the growth on her neck.

Now I also have "Parapalegic Kitty"   Yes, another cat has joined the hospice care for cats center that I am apparently running.  Ethel on Saturday began to have horrible difficulties walking. I rushed her to the vet and he was skeptical but gave her some shots and pills (potions and lotions....literally) and sent her home.  She has recovered enough to get herself to he liter and the food....but it's rough.   Worse, she now just lays and most of the time she has a vacant stare in her eyes that just breaks my heart.  I can no longer get her to purr and she used to 'talk to me' all the time.....she doesn't do that any more.  My cat is not well and I know it.

Mertz, thankfully right now is doing well......so I will add a picture of Mertz.

Meanwhile....I'm just trying to smile.......

Progress

Water water water.   I am doing much better with the water consumption.  The morning water is fabulous and so fresh tasting.....once the 'city water' ice cubes start to melt into my water it becomes less appetizing to me as I can taste the chlorine.  Seriously, whoever thought that drinking water could be this complicated?    But it's working.....or rather starting to work.  I made it until Tuesday night before the caffeine headache invaded my life.  I caved.  I admit it, I totally caved and got a diet soda to guzzle down.  Hey, those headaches are the pits!   I also did order and drink diet soda with my dinner last night (girls night out)....hey, it's better than drinking alcohol right????      And it's SOOO much better than drinking ONLY diet pepsi each and every day.  Progress.

Food.   Well, it's not totally under control.  However, the good news is that it's not out of control either!   That's a good thing.  Even better?   I have dropped about 2 pounds (ha ha ha, lets be fair....it's probably water retention coming and going due to the natural fluctuations in my monthly cycle, but I'm taking it as a loss and that's that!)  Either way, not being spiraling out of control is a REALLY good step.  Progress.

Exercise......what is that?   I'm looking forward to zumba restarting for the year.  December 17th was the last class and it has seemed like a long stretch of no classes.  Classes are resuming January 12th.   I'm SOOO happy. I miss the camaraderie and yes, the exercise.  I feel sluggish without it. I did run some of the no zumba days. However, rain most of last weekend followed by snow on Tuesday which is now ice in spots makes me hesitant to go out running. That's the last thing I want to do is slip on ice and break my noggin.  (course I'm rather hard headed so my head would probably just bounce). 

So I'm just trying to tighten up the reins and loosen the pants (ha ha ha).   One step at a time.

 

Issues with my new life

Eating is killing me.  Drinking my water is killing me.   I'm struggling with finding a routine and a plan that works for me.

Lets start with water.  I'm not drinking.  I fill up my water jug everyday.  I swear I do it.  But then on the way to work with only one or two sips out of my water jug I decide that I need to get a diet soda and I stop and pick up a large drink.  I have pondered this.  Why is this so difficult?   What is wrong with me?  I like water!  I really do!   I finally figured it out the other day when I filled up a glass of water to drink at dinner.  I took a big gulp of water and it was just NASTY!   I have been drinking sweet well water for so many years and to switch to highly chlorinated city water was a shock that was throwing me for a loop.  I had been putting real lemon juice into my water, but that flavors my water and I just don't like flavored water.  So all of a sudden the light bulb went off in my head.  I"m struggling to drink my water because it doesn't taste right!   So how to fix...........

My solution....I just went out and picked up a bunch of gallons of spring water.  I will be starting this plan tomorrow!

Eating.  My parents eat 'weird' and not healthy at all.  The other night we sat down to dinner I looked at the table and said to myself, "wow, I can eat some corn"   I found myself eating corn, crackers, cheese and rounding it out with a few spoonfuls of cake icing from the fridge.  Yup.  Not exactly healthy!   This is happening to me more times than I can count.  I'm not eating healthy.  I don't have foods for me to eat when the options are not there.

I have a few solutions.  The first thing I'm doing.  I stocked up on fruits and veggies and I plan on eating healthy for my lunches this upcoming week.  Focus on that this week.  To make sure I have food, I picked up some boxes of mac-n-cheese and some frozen pizzas.  Not exactly healthy, but healthier than crackers and cake icing.


I am going to do this!   I have to!  I want to be thin!!!!!  I want to be healthy!