Time is Marching On

 It seems as if the older I get the faster time goes.  I swear it was only a blink ago and it was the Fourth of July.  Seriously, it feels as if I started my new job yesterday and here we are almost 6 months later.   And Christmas?   How can it almost be Christmas?  Yet, here we are.

 I'm not even going to talk about my weight loss efforts.  Life is ......well life.   That is no excuse, but it's what it is.

I actually mostly enjoy my job.  I still feel like I am a fraud and making it up and doing a really poor job.  I'm human and I know that being a human means that there will be mistakes here and there.  But I still feel like I am a fraud.  I am sure that this is residual damage from the  'manager' that I had at my last job.  (She was a holy terror.....I have written about it here and here.)   But all that said, I can see the reminders that come my way that I am doing just as well as people that have been there for scads longer.   Now just to get my brain to believe it! 

I have been able to finish my memory quilt.  I would go take a picture of it, but it is early while I am writing this and Jason is still in bed, covered by the quilt!    I rolled into some projects for Christmas gifts and then decided to take the plunge and do something I have been absolutely dreaming about for years well bef...what I am calling my grand opus dollhouse.  Seriously, I dreamed up the idea of this grand dollhouse eons ago.  I've sketched, I've plotted and I've dreamed about it.  But that is as far as it went.    And then a few years back I put aside my miniatures.  There were a variety of reasons such as money (we were trying to recover from Jason's accident with the axe where he didn't work for 6 months) and  time (visiting mom multiple times a week took a fair amount of time each week).   Being bluntly honest the bout of depression was overwhelming me.    So in the midst of life, I put aside my dollhouses.    But I never stopped dreaming about this grand house that I wanted to complete.   I had so much fun diving back into crafts that about a week before Thanksgiving I decided that it was time.   I was done dreaming.  It was time to do it!  I am doing it in sections.  I'm building one floor at a time (well, maybe two floors at a time in the case of the first and second floor as my library has a second floor/balcony......as does my grand ballroom.    I have started to construct the actual building.  I have started to gather supplies and look at furniture.  I have been painting and plotting.   And yes, I know that a two story library will need a TON of books, so I have started making books.     I am calling this my grand opus.  I don't plan on this being done anytime soon.  I am calling it my life project......Jason has laughed and said '5 years....maybe 10'.   We shall see.   The project though, helps keep the sadness and depression at bay.  

 As for the sadness.  I had been doing really good for the last few months.  And then in the last few days it has hit hard.  I 'think' that maybe it's the thought of another holiday without my parents.  I miss them so much. 

While weight loss has taken a back stage, I know that I need to get serious about it.  I honestly need to get serious about two things.  Specifically I need to get serious about my food intake and losing the weight.  But equally important is the fact that I need to get serious about my fitness.  I see my fitness and mobility start to slip and I'm not happy about that.  So I need to change! 

Holiday Madness

 I can't believe that it is December first already.   Where is this year going?  It's insane to think that we have already passed not only Halloween but also Thanksgiving, meaning that we are fully in the Christmas season. Inconceivable!  

I would love to say that I got right back on the bandwagon after our vacation and lost the vacation weight and kept losing.    But that is not the case.   I posted a two pound gain the first day back after vacation but it actually settled on about a 4-5 pound gain.   I struggled to get back into the routine.  I was never really 'off'.  Meaning I never ate horribly.  But I never ate to lose.   So basically I nailed the maintain thing...

I had a normal week back at work and then Thanksgiving week hit.  Yup.  Right on the heels of vacation, before I got my mojo back I got hit with Thanksgiving.  I don't think I did too badly for the holiday meal.  I did eat two rolls (Delish) and two pieces of pie (Again delish).   And I was not overly hungry for dinner so I had a piece of garlic bread and another piece of pie.  

I got back to normal on Friday.....as normal as normal can be.  Back to work.  Back to the same eating habits that have me maintaining....but not losing.

Once again, not vowing for greatness....but I have to make small changes to fix this.  Nothing drastic....small changes, one at a time.   Because the worst part of this is that I KNOW that I am losing my mobility due to my excess weight.  I know that I am on a trajectory that is NOT good.  And yes it scares the living daylights out of me.  It depresses me.  It humbles me.  It terrifies me.  Yet this addiction to food overwhelms me and seemingly takes away any self control that I have.   And yes, notice I did say SEEMINGLY  I know that I have complete control and that it's my will power that needs to kick into high gear to overcome the addiction.  But anyone with an addiction will tell you.......that's easier said than done.   Just ask the smoker that is dying of lung cancer yet still smokes like a chimney!

 

But I can do this..........