Walk the plank!

This headache is never ending.  Everyday it seems to get slightly better, so I can't complain too much.  Today I'm giving up.   I'm going to damn the consequences and go to zumba.  We shall see how that goes!!!!    And if zumba goes well.......tomorrow I'll be running!!!!!

So what is going on in my life?   Food wise....oh yes, I love food.   I'm not eating exactly healthy.  Lets face it.  Not happening.

Exercise....not happening.  Lets face it...my headache prevented it.

Yeah, I need to be punished for my crimes against healthy eating!!!!!

How am I doing mentally?   Todd said I act like I'm bi-polar.  One day I'm crying and the next day I'm chipper.  It's not quite that way....but I'm trying to pull myself out of the mire.  Unfortunately it's one step forward...two steps back most of the time.

So today we went to Lowes.  We picked up a roll of metal flashing. (those pesky raccoons are climbing the pole and sitting on top of the bird feeder and emptying the birdfood everywhere.....four of them...every night!....we hope the metal flashing at the bottom will keep the out of the bird food).   I was carrying it around and then discovered a new way to carry it that was loads more fun.  Here is a recreation....... Say hello to Pirate Maryfran.  (yes I was going 'ARRRGGHHH"  when I had the picture taken....and it's a horrible picture...but still....it's funny).

Todd wouldn't walk with me.  Maybe that's because I was saying 'Aye aye matey' to people that we passed.  

And in honor of the DONUT alley rally that is only about 9 days away.....I leave you with this thought........

Inside Out

Today I've viewing the world in a haze.  Not by choice or by my own doing. About once a year I get a headache to end all headaches.  I've never pinpointed when or why....it just happens.  I get a headache and it winds itself up into a day of dizzy, stomach hurting headache mess.

Lucky me yesterday was that day.  I woke up early and started in on my days plans.  Yes, my head hurt but I thought the advil would knock that right out of my system.  I made breakfast pizza but was already feeling sick to my stomach by the time it was done.  Thus, I decided to forego that and I jumped right into grocery shopping.  By the time I got home at 9:30-10 I was in misery.  I put the bare minimum of the groceries away (leaving non perishables sitting on the table...only putting away perishable items) I ate a slice of butter bread, because I knew that I hadn't eaten and knew that the growing stomach ache COULD be somewhat caused by that.  I then decided to lay down for a few minutes to try to knock the headache out of my system.  I woke up about 4 hours later.  I answered a text or two, grabbed a blanket and slept some more.  Yeah, I pretty much slept until 4 or 5 in the afternoon.  My head was still pounding so I pretty much laid on the couch until Todd came home at about 7PM.  The headache had eased a bit by that time and since there was no way I was in any shape to cook dinner we made our way to town to grab a bite to eat.

Yeah, that was my day......a whole bunch of nothing.  No exercise....but not a whole lot of eating either.  I actually stayed within my calories (ha....easy to do when you are sleeping).  My water consumption was a little rocky (ha....not easy to drink when you are sleeping)

Today my head doesn't pound. It's still a slight ache.  I'm up and moving.  But I feel like everything is in a haze.  I was torn because I really wanted to go for my run today.....to try to maintain that consistency that I talked about the other day.  However, I'm just not up to par.  I'm afraid that a run will kick that headache back into high gear.  I'm also just feeling week and slightly off balance (could be from all the laying around yesterday...in which case a run could wipe that from me).   So I am going to pass on the run today.  My plan?  Run tomorrow....yes it will make it a double workout day for me.  But them's the breaks!   And then I run again on Tuesday, my scheduled run today. (which will clear Wednesday out for my normal zumba step class...or for whatever activity Todd and I do on our day off).     This is about being healthy, and running while I'm clearly recovering from something (would it be classified as a migraine....who knows and I don't really care, I just know how miserable it made me feel) is not the way to be healthy.

Probably not helping my headache was/is the emotions that are pouring through my body.  I have been reading through my old journals.     Yes, while my blog may be 8.5 years old.  It really is just a weight loss blog.  I do write about personal stuff on occasion.  But I have kept personal journal since I was 14 (I had forays into diaries when I was younger than fourteen but never for long and who knows where they went...although wouldn't they be fantastic to read now??) These journals are where I pour out my heart....my deepest pain and my most heartfelt cries.  Writing is cathartic for me...so yes, they are still written out in long hand...pen and paper baby.  When things are going good...I tend to write less.  When I'm upset, I tend to write more. So I do know that reading them is not a totally accurate view of life because the good entries tend to be short and just snippets while the 'woe is me' entries tend to be pages of me working through my emotions.   So I have almost 30 years of journals to read through. And read through them I am doing.  I chose to read through them because I think I've lost me.  Who am I?  Where did that young idealistic girl go?  Where did that young girl with dreams go?   How did I get to where I am....pretty much unhappy with most aspects of my life.  I guess my thought was that maybe if I reread these journals (which are for the most part fun anyway.....it's fun reading about getting your first car.....college pranks.....first dates....etc) I could rediscover that girl or maybe figure out where I got off  the right path.  So I'm maybe 10 years into my journal life. (hmmm....maybe I should sync up when i get to my online journal....watch the dates and read them simultaneously).  I need to figure out how to be happy...how not to mourn the loss of dreams that I've had to let go.  How to accept the death of dreams that are not meant to be.  How to accept my life for what it is....and not what I want.

Why am I writing about my personal journals and this emotional turmoil that I'm in. I fervently believe that it all works hand in hand.  I've been struggling to lose weight the last few months.  It's also been no secret (OK, maybe glossed over on here...but still alluded to) that I've not been happy the last few months (at least...ha).  Emotional well being and weight loss go hand in hand.  Oh it's possibly to lose weight while depressed (for some it's easy) but it's proving to be a tough one for me.  I need to fix me from he inside out.......

Meanwhile, I am registered for the Krumpes Donut Alley Rally...August 8th....here I come.

Pink was the word of the day!

What's up with this divine intervention???  Was it just Sunday that I said that divine intervention kept me from drinking an excess amount of diet soda????   Why yes it was!

Today it struck again.  I went out for a run after work.  After just a few minutes I knew I was going to interval it again.  My plan was to run for two songs....walk for 30 seconds and then run for two songs.  The exception....the artist of the day was Pink.  Anytime I heard Pink, I had to run no ifs ands or buts.  I made it a mile and a half with no pink.  I ran my two songs and was soooo ready to walk....but Pink came on....so I kept running.  The song came to an end and I was so ready to walk.  But no...another Pink song came on.  Really?   Did the shuffle feature just die?   I kept running.  FINALLY the song ended and I breathed a sigh of relief.  Oh yes, you know where this is going.  Another Pink song. I contemplated pretending that I didn't know it was Pink...but that is cheating.  So I ran.  Guess my interval plan wasn't meant to be.  

And the worst part of the run?  Somehow my app (map my ride) shut off .2 miles into the run.  I have no clue exactly how far i ran (roughly 3-3.5 miles) or how long I ran.  (40 minutes give or take ).

I came home after my run and I swung into action.  I cleaned the kitchen.  Started prepping for dinner (a slow bake casserole and homemade bread).  I did laundry and I mowed the yard.  Why yes, I am still push mowing the yard.   Aren't I lucky?

Let me tell you.  I STUNK to high heavens when I came in after mowing.  All that sweat....fat dripping off my body. (at least that's what I'm telling myself!)

My evening was still productive after all of that.  I did a bit of sewing.  I made myself a running skirt. It's all pink and adorable!!!!  (and cost less than $10 which is about 50 bucks less than what they are if I purchased it!!)   I think it turned out pretty nice (pictures forthcoming in a future post).

Now, I do believe this productive girl is ready for bed.  What will tomorrow bring?   I'm hoping another run....hmmmm

Consistency

Consistency.   What in the world is that????

Well I can tell you that it's something I've been lacking in my life recently.   I ran on July first.....and did not run again until today, July twenty third.  That is NOT at all consistent.   Luckily I can say that I have been at least marginally active in the interim between those runs.   That would include about 30 miles of walking, at least 5 hours of zumba step (I think I forgot to log one of my classes, but can't remember for sure if I did attend that night), about 20 miles of biking (woefully little) and a few hours of other fun active activities.  So it wasn't a loss.  That said.  I have goals.  I have a time goal that I want to meet and inconsistency in running is NOT going to get me there

Inconsistency in any of this weight loss journey is not going to get me to my goals.  It just doesn't work to eat healthy one day and then eat like a starving pig the next.  It's inconsistent and not beneficial.  Yet, that is what I'm doing!   

So where is the inconsistency in my eating happening?   Lets see on Monday.  I started out really good.  I had my whole day of eating planned. I was on target and perfectly planned.  But then a coworker arrived to work. She works part time with us and part time at chicfila.  Well she came in and brought us the leftover breakfast sandwiches.....why yes, I did have a spicy chicken biscuit.  that can't be too bad can it????   Oh hell....450 calories!   That's a lot of calories to try to fit into a day.  I made some adjustments and I was ok with the changes.  But then late that night I was HUNGRY.  GRRR  Let see, Tuesday. I knew I had to save calories as were were going out to dinner.  I ended up eating crackers at work.  Why?   Well why not?  I was bored!    And then the dinner plans got changed and instead of going where I thought we were going (and what I had planned for) we ended up going elsewhere and I went in without a plan and ended up ordering a dinner....scrumptious...right around 2000 calories scrumptious!  (parmesan crusted chicken, backed sweet potato and salad at Long horn steak house).        Inconsistency!   Inconsistency that is not going to get me where I want to go!  

My food is planned.  And I will NOT eat any of the crackers here at work!  I'm just not going to do it!  Not happening!   

I ran today.  It was a rough run.  I did it in walk run intervals...mostly running thank goodness, but still not what I wanted to be doing at this point.  But hey...I got out there and did it!

Today's running  revelation was two fold.

1.  I ran and figured out that after a run I have do much energy!  This morning after running I made baked ziti to bake for dinner tonight ( and extra for the freezer), vacuumed the house, scoured the stove top (yeah it was looking really bad), did laundry, straightened the house, packed my lunch, packed workout clothes for after work, showered......totally productive....more productive than had I not run for sure!!!

2.  My after run pictures totally show me happy and proud.  :-).  

Just more reason for consistency!!!

Consistency......I will be back out there again...and again...and again.  

Topsy Turvy

I rolled into Friday ready to work on this challenge that I have accepted.   And then things started going belly up.  The first of the two kittens passed away.  Yes, saving a kitten that young is a long shot, but it still is just heartbreaking.  Friday evening the other little kitten took a turn for the worse. We  took turns holding the kitten and miraculously she seemed to perk up a bit, however we still struggled to get her to eat.  :-(      We knew her odds of survival had gone down drastically, yet we soldiered on.

I had to work Saturday morning and I had plans to leave work to go up to town to spend the day with my family and to grab groceries and run a few errands.  I packed my bag and rushed out the door to head to work.  I jumped into my car and didn't even make it out of the driveway and I knew.  I got out of the car and walked around to the other side....and this is what I saw....not exactly healthy.  I rushed inside and had Todd drive me to work and I begged a ride home from a co-worker.  

Todd had unchangeable plans for the day so I was effectively stuck at home all Saturday afternoon and evening.  Yeah, my family would have come pick me up, but I stayed home and took over the 'save the kitten' duties from Todd to ease his day.   I fed the kitty and spent a lot of time holding the kitten.  She actually had spurts of activity but was content to lay in  my arms and sleep.  She was happy.  At about 2 days old she started this little 'purr' it was absolutely adorable.

My youngest nephew said it looked like she was a mouse...and yes, that's exactly what he (she) looked like.  This kitten fought and fought but Sunday morning she gave up the fight and passed away.  She is buried in our pet cemetery.   

Sunday was spent visiting family, fixing the tires (My back tires were on their death bed anyway...so I went ahead and just got new tires) and getting groceries.

I was talking with my sister in law this morning and she mentioned how she is trying to cut down on diet soda.  I whole heartedly agreed.  I don't buy it for the house, but it definitely creeps back into my life so easily. I thought that it was a good idea and I was going to copy her lead even as I sat there and sucked down the diet pepsi that was in my to-go cup from breakfast (did I mention that the to-go cup was my refill and it was the largest size the place offered??)   I finished it off and we headed to lunch.  My newly minted plan was strong in my mind.  So what did I do for lunch?  Why I ordered a large fountain drink....I drank it....and I got a refill for the road.  Oh yes.  But sometimes divine intervention occurs.  It has happened numerous times before. The great pizza topple is the one that sticks in my mind the most.  Well divine intervention happened again.  How???

Yes, my drink toppled out of the cup holder.  All over the floorboard.  Oh well...and yes, in our travels when I picked up my next drink, it was water!!!!

I have my healthy lunches lined up for my work week and I've got lots of fruit prepped for the week ahead!  Bring it on!!!

Challenge Accepted!

I'm tired of this journey.  I've been working on losing weight (failing miserably at some points.....hanging on by the skin of my teeth for others) that I'm just tired of the journey.  Tired tired tired!!!!!!  I believe that factor plays a role in my choices.  It plays a role in how I look at my friend (food). It plays a role in how I interact with the texture and taste of the foods that I want to try and experience. You see, I'm a foodie that also happens to have an addiction.  Bad combination!   It's been so long and I'm just so ready for the next step.  However, I'm not there.  I've got some more weight to lose.

I was asked a question today.  What made me want to lose weight in the first place.  I started to think about that.  I wasn't unhappy as an overweight girl.  I always kind of knew that I had some weight to lose but I really never knew I was overweight.  Go figure.  I had vague thoughts every once in a while to get fit.  Never really to lose weight.  I had visions of being 'fit'.     Looking back I can see where I was overweight.  Want to see?????

College pictures.......I'm obviously back row far left in the top picture and the far left gal in the bottom picture.


So as you can see I do have some excess pounds. I liked myself.  I was happy.  So what changed to make me want to lose weight???    What life defining moment caused me to stand up and say "MaryFran, it's time to lose weight"?   Yes indeed.  What?   I had to really think about that.  There was no life defining moment.  There was no traumatic moment.

So how did it all start?  I had a friend that was talking about losing weight. She was a really                                                                                              good friend of mine and somehow in the midst of a conversation we somehow made a bet.  The first person to lose weight naturally was the winner and would win a new pair of jeans, purchased by the loser.  I was all about that!   It started me on my journey.   A little competition.  

So how did this play out in the conversation????   I had already admitted that I have a wee little goal in my mind.  I was going to write out my goal on here in my last post.  I started to and then backspaced it into oblivion.  But that is wrong.  I have never prescribed to hiding the good the bad and the ugly and now is not the time to start.  So I'm laying it out here and now.   I have some tentative plans right around August 16th and 17th that I'm already looking forward to.  (hopefully they will pan out...and if not, there will be a reschedule for a later date I'm sure)   And my weight has absolutely nothing to do with that date...but the date is in my mind...so hey, why not combine a weight loss goal with that date.  Seems like a good plan to me!   So, I'm hear by declaring that I have a goal to lose 10 pounds by then.  That is 10 pounds in one month.  That's a tough goal.  But that's my goal!   I shared my goal with my friend tonight and after we talked about how I work well with challenges she looked at me and said "I challenge you to lose 10 pounds in the next month and I challenge myself to lose 5"  (She's very close to her goal...so 5 will be a tough goal for her also!).  I readily accepted and together almost at the same time we both proposed a monetary prize. The loser pays the winner 10 bucks!    Oh yeah!  Game on!!!!!!!!   We refined the challenge one last time.  If we BOTH make our goal....she gets a baby sitter for the kids and she and I go out to a nice dinner.  (husband attendance optional and decided upon at a later date!)  We shook on it and I worked  my hardest to try to get her to buy some ice cream for herself after our walk.  Hey, she was stopping at the ice cream store to buy it for her husband and kids....why not get one for her!   Stop,  don't feel too bad for her.....we lost power for a few days earlier this week and I had my three different kinds of ice cream in the fridge (all divided up into 1/2 cup containers) and the ice cream was the casualty.  Ice cream after it melts just isn't right....it separated and is just kinda nasty.  So HER response was for me to take all of that ice cream...blend it together and have a big milkshake!!!  Nice try!  No dice though my friend...no dice!

So right.....yet so wrong

I ate a whoopie pie for lunch.  No, not as a dessert.  I ate it FOR lunch.  Yes, that was my lunch.   Not exactly healthy.  Not exactly balanced.   And I wager, in calories it was probably more than 1/3 of my daily 'allowance'.     Ohhh not that bad eh?   Do you want to talk about the rest of the day in food?   French toast for breakfast.  (MMMM, this local diner...Mt. View Diner....has the BEST french toast!) and of course I had to order a side of home fries.   Dinner was a BLT and some cole slaw.    Where is there anything healthy in that?  Other than the tomato and lettuce in my BLT???    And somewhere in there I may have had a small individual bag of pretzels.  Ohhh and I just remembered the slices of cheese.....yeah, quite a few slices of cheese....5 maybe?

What's wrong with me?   I want this.  I really want this.  I want my 100 pounds gone celebration.  I want to wear all my 'thin clothes'.  I WANT THIS.  But I just can't seem to get it together.  Why???

I don't have an easy solution.  I don't think it's going to be a quick snap of my wrist and voila I lose.  However, I do believe that the problem lies in the habits and beliefs that are buried deep inside me.   You see, I want this.  Oh I want it badly.  However, for most of my life I have had a relationship with food in that food is comfort.  Food is my friend. Food is love.  Eating some delectable food item fills me with a sense of well being....a high if you want to call it that.   And I do enjoy the complex flavors and tastes.  It consumes me and warms me.   This has been a lifelong thing (yes, lets call it what it is...it's an addiction).....so these feelings are what feels right and natural.  

So, Yesterday we were out roaming around (ok ok ok, we were scanning river banks for good stones/rocks for a backyard project!) and I just wanted to visit my 'old friend'.   I wanted something sweet.  I wanted something delectable and tasty on my tongue.  The urge to have that sense of well being.  I wanted to feel the taste burst on my tongue.  I wanted to experience that sense of 'rightness' flow over me.  And I did....I went into our local bakery and when I saw the whoopie pie, I just HAD to have it.  (If I were still living in Western, PA I would probably refer to it as a Gob...ha ha ha).    It was right.  It was tasty.   I won't say it was the wrong decision for me.  I don't plan on living a life where I deny myself the tasty treats in life.  HOWEVER,  it opened my eyes.  It made me realize that I'm slipping up in my eating.  That has to change.  I need to tighten the ropes!     I have a goal.  Small, short term and I'm going to work towards it!

Yesterday evening I got a text from my husband.  "Can you stop by the studio on the way to Zumba"  Of course I can.  I stopped and before I could get into the door he said "Don't be mad, but I just had to do something".

I walked further into the studio and there he sat holding this little creature.  It looked like the size of a mouse.   Apparently one of the cats outside the studio had a kitten.  Like...had a kitten on the doorstep.....and then disappeared, leaving this tiny living being wrapped in the umbilical cord and covered with birth fluids.   My husband carted it inside and then went and picked up the kitten survival kit. (We usually have some of this on hand but he did have to restock because our hot water bottle broke on the last kitten rescue).  The kitten was active as all get out.   I held it and then went to zumba....and while I was at zumba I got another text....uhhhhhhh  I was loading the car to go home and heard another cry...the cat apparently had the second kitten in a pile of wet wood and leaves.  He added this one to the container carrying the fist (after spending some time feeding and warming it up).  Sooooo we are back in kitten nursing stage.  Bottle feeding (or rather eye dropper feeding...although the one really prefers to lick the formula off of our hands...go figure....hey, i'm not complaining, that will make the transition to eating on it's own so much easier).    So here we are....AGAIN.  I can not have any more cats in my house.  Temporary is ok.....kinda.  So I'm praying that if these kittens live (they are in the bathroom off the living room right now and I can hear them 'crying') that we can easily find them homes...I will say...kittens raised by humans from such a young age make THE BEST pets!

Monday madness

Ok internet issues...this apparently didn't load.   Oops!!  So let's retry!!!

I am exhausted!   I have been since Saturday.   My legs feel heavy...they have been since Sunday.   Hmmm maybe I need a run!!

Ok, so I didn't get a run in on Sunday.  I woke up before the alarm.  I was wide awake so I flipped off the alarm and laid there checking my email.  I woke up one hour and forty five minutes later.  Ibary made it to my morning walk with sherry!  No worries...I will run on Monday morning!!!

 I got home and Todd and I set out for our day.   We hit up a few stores...the local flea market.  We did Mexican for lunch.

We visited a friend in the hospital.   We did a bit of pet sitting.

I made dinner.  And I organized the linen closet....threw unused or ratty stuff away and made it so neat!!!

I was totally on a roll...even though my body felt heavy and tired.   And then....boom....severe thunderstorm...again.   Crash, the house went dark.  Oh yes...again. It was still off in the morning...so the hour I had to run was instead used for the twenty minute (each way) drive to my parents to shower!  And of course breakfast out.

Lunch and dinner was 'out'also and I will freely admit that I chose poorly!!!

The power just came back on (no internet or cable yet) and it's cooling down.  Hopefully tomorrow I can run!!!

Reinforcement!

I know I know...two posts in 12 hours.  But seriously....this video and song is AMAZING!

It really puts it into a proper perspective that we do so much trying to get people to 'like us' but really what is important is what we think about ourselves!   (kinda appropos after my post last night....hmmmm , isn't it neat how sometimes lessons in life are reinforced!)   Any change needs to be for ME..because I like ME, not for anyone else!

The song and video is by Colbie Caillat and is titled TRY  

The lyrics for the song:

Oooh
Oooh

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
Yooou don't have to try

Oooh
Oooh

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
Yooou don't have to try

Oooh
Oooh

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
Cause I like you

Worthwhile

Whew.....what a day!  I made plans for this afternoon and thusly I worked like a demon to get my work done this morning with as little to do when I returned as possible.

 I did laundry.  (the bane of my existence...and somehow the laundry basket is already filled again!.grrr)

I cleaned the house. (and seriously, how can we go out to eat for every meal the last few days and STILL create so many dishes)  And as if my husband and I aren't bad enough, we have cats and they seem to make messes!   No, we do not usually store toilet paper on the bedroom floor.  I don't know if Frawley was upset because we were gone all day or if he was just totally high on cat nip. (combination of the two)

Frawley is the black cat on the left and WinniFRED is the torte in the middle of the shot

 I made banana bread. (It's yummy, I'm sure....I haven't indulged)

I sanded and painted the really cool coal stove door that I found a few weeks back!!!!!  I'll probably have that done by tomorrow so that I can get it to my dad  (and/or brother) so they can build the frame I want in one of their workshops.

Just as I found it

Sanded and painted

 I cooked three meals today (egg and cheese sandwiches for breakfast....with sausage for Todd; blt's and a pasta salad for lunch......tomatoes from the garden of course;   sweet and spicy chicken and homemade scalloped potatoes for dinner)

 I prepped all the fruit and veggies that I got at the grocery store yesterday. (yup, come on now...if I don't do that when I buy it, or shortly thereafter, then it goes to waste...rots away, uneaten!)  Oh, bacon is divided and frozen into single serve as is the two different kinds of ice cream)

 I mowed.  (when, oh when will our riding lawn mower be returned to us. LOL)

I picked raspberries.

I helped paint the front deck.

And I took 3-4 hours out in the middle of the day to go see a friend  :-)

  Tomorrow is my day to rest.  No more yard work.  No made house cleaning.  Just normal everyday things. (OK, maybe some laundry too since somehow I ran through 3-4 different outfits of clothes today...as did Todd).  I'll get to that right after I run (yes, I'm planning to run early) and then walk (yes, tomorrow is my morning walk with Sherry).  

I have been thinking a lot about the history of my weight loss.   I lost weight for one main reason....I've known this reason for quite some time!  I had myself convinced that losing weight would be the 'solution to my woes'.  I lost a LOT of weight.  The problems didn't go away though.  So what happened?  I regained weight. I always thought that I regained because I just stopped caring, but the other day it hit me.  I regained it because in my sick twisted mind, I somehow got it back into my head that I lost too much weight and that is why it didn't work.  I regained that stinkin' weight because I thought maybe if I just regained a 'little' of the weight that it would do the trick. I was self sabotaging myself.  No wonder I didn't really give a fig.    So it boils down to this  The problem in question is NOT due to my weight.  The problem in question is NOT anything of my doing or my fault.   Losing weight doesn't fix it.  Gaining weight doesn't fix it.   The problem lies with someone else and I have absolutely no control over it.  

So where does that leave me?    It leaves me with finding the motivation within myself.  I need to focus on the reason for doing this.  That reason being ME.  I'm WORTH THIS!  I'm worth the sacrifice and the hardship!

Another cat picture to round out the post.......

My  two old cats beside me tonight....these old girls are m babies.   Ethel is on the left and Lucy is on the right.  I keep a stack of pillows beside me on the couch so that they can lay with me.  THey like to be close by, especially Lucy who has gone deaf.    I have no earthly clue what Ethel was doing...but she laid like that for at least a half hour.  Silly cats!

Don't look back!!!

Friday morning is my weigh in day. I woke up and took care of business (come on now, don't tell me that this is odd behavior...we all do it!)  and then stepped onto the scale  I soooo didn't want to do it.  Fourth of July weekend was rough on me.  Those two pieces of cake and all the high carb meals just KILLED my weight.   I had taken some sneak peaks and I was quite nervous.   I'm happy to say that the official damage was only 1 pound.  (On Monday it was looking like 5-6 pounds!).

I'm still bummed about wasting the week. That's a week where I could have gotten out of this weight loss hellish vortex!  But that wasn't to be.  So it's time to move on...no looking back.  

My week has been totally void of exercise.  I've totally give my ankle a rest.  It's feeling pretty good.  I didn't feel much (if any) of a twinge this morning.  Not enough to actually stop and notice it (or maybe I'm just getting used to the pain...ha ha ha) so I guess the rest worked.

I have decided that my lax workout routine is DONE.  Back at it this weekend.  I'm going to try to run one day....and Todd mentioned tennis.  Maybe a hike or two.    I've listened to my body and given it what it wanted.  Now it's time to move!

In the meantime...I'm going to suck down the rest of my Diet Pepsi.  :-)

I'll leave you with a picture of my cat Ethel...she had a rough day yesterday.  She got her head stuck in the handle of a bag.....and then got stuck in a blanket that I pulled without knowing...she took a tumble. She is getting up there and age and is quite frail and wobbly.  I love her to death though and I already worry about losing her!

Crossing my fingers

I wasn't that horrible with my eating over the holiday weekend.  Ok, so I did have two pieces of cake....but overall, my calories were not that stupendously crazy.  Yet I stepped on the scales and I was 5 pounds up.  Really?  5 pounds!   I decided to just sit back and drink my water and try to eat right and hope that it dropped quickly.    I stepped on the scales this morning....1 pound down.  So slowly.

However, I'm sitting here and I"m thinking...even if I manage to recoup my holiday weekend gain by my official weigh in day (friday) what a waste of a week.   Was the 2 pieces of cake worth it?   Were all the carbs worth it?

So my plan was to run today.

However, I've noticed in the last day or two that my ankle hurts...especially when I first wake up.  It's not a horrible pain, most just a twinge.  Last night it was really bothering me after I got home from zumba and this morning it was actually a little worse then recent mornings.  So, I'm being a good girl and resting it.  (ha ha ha....well, maybe I should switch the outfit I'm wearing to work....or at least the shoes I'm planning on wearing...ha ha ha...hey, I will kick off the shoes if it bothers me too much)

OH yes, I love my suede pink shoes!

I've got nothing else to say......I'm just refocused....trying not to kick myself for the setback (hopefully temporary!) in my weight loss.......but I have to say......this dang 5 pound fat vortex.  Seriously...what does a girl have to do to get past this 5 pounds?

MIA July 6

I just realized that I have been MIA this past week in terms of my blog and focus.  I am still really emotional.....just having difficulty shaking it this time around.  (Or maybe just something needs to change in my life......sadly most of the change is out of my control...I'm just on this roller coaster ride.)   I know that this upcoming week will be a bit more emotional for a variety of different reasons.  So I'm just going to hang on for the ride and carry a box of tissues with me.

Weight wise.  I was soooo excited because on Thursday it was looking like I was going to have a 2 pound loss.  And then on Friday...my 'official' weigh day....I only showed a loss of 6/10ths of a pound.  Oh well.

Friday and Saturday......holiday weekend.  Well.......I rode my bike for about 15 miles.  So that is good. 

 Eating...less than stellar.  Water consumption.....laughable.    My weight this morning.  Eiii Yiii Yiii.   I'm hoping it's water retention.  We won't even talk about it anymore.  I am planning a spot on day of eating (and a spot on week of eating this week)...and lots of water consumption.

I was watching a tv show the other day and a quote/sentiment stuck with me.  Weight loss is a huge mountain.  From the bottom it looks astronomical.   From the top the view is SWEET.   However, I'm half way up the hill of weight loss and stuck.   It's hard to see back down the hill to see where you've come from......but it's equally as difficult to see the top.  The easy route?   Slide back down that mountain and just accept the fact that I am fat.   The difficult route?   Push forward with the expectation that the view at the top will be grand, even though right now I can't see it through the 'trees'.

I've taken some time off from exercise.......(I only worked out three times this past week).   That's over  I've got to get back to being utterly serious and dedicated.  Exercise doesn't come easily....I have to force myself to do it.  But I like the results and how I feel when I'm done......I need to focus on that!!!!!

Pandora's Box July 2

So where to start?

I guess I will start with Monday.  I got home and had an hour or do until dinner needed to be on the table.  I putzed around prepping food and getting things ready.  I was/am still feeling saddened....and I started to think about food....and I was hungry.    A marshmallow wouldn't hurt right?   I opened the bag and voila, it was like opening the Pandora's box. The addiction...the sadness....the hunger overtook me and I literally said 'I'm going to binge and I don't really care".   Three to four marshmallows later.....followed by an individual bag of naked Cheetos (I have been buying the multi pack containers of individual bags for my husband...chips aren't my Achilles heel so no biggie...I hadn't had any of them)....and a cherry candy cane.  (Hey I bought a few boxes after Christmas for a few cents...every once on a while I have one!   One candy cane...not one box).  And I binged.   I are my dinner and I managed to 'choke down a half cup if ice  cream afterward too.   

Not proud and not happy....but I'm ok with it.   My binge could have been worse.  Much worse.   I think my binge was all of 350 calories.  So it could have been much worse!

Yesterday I got out and ran.   I enjoyed a new pair if running shoes.  Amazing to fel the traction on the shoes....we don't realize how much they are worn out until we put on a new pair. (Yes, I track my mileage...and I've actually been replacing at about 200 miles...they are pretty well worn in at that point....They say 350 miles is average....but remember I am still considered quite obese!)

It wasn't a good run.  The first mile was painful.  The second mile I cried and sobbed my way through...and the last one I gave up and walked. 

Hopefully today we can get outside and walk or ride! (Off work at noon!!)

What's with this?

I'm holding on.  My weekend I stayed spot on in terms of the calories.   However....my hooves were not the best. I could have done a LOT better in terms of fruits and veggies and water consumption!!!

On that note....I don't know what's up...but for the last 5 days or so I've been an emotional wreck.  I've cried about pretty much everything.  Seriously....I was purging extraneous stuff from my life (books....fiction). and actually started crying when the car was full of goodwill stuff forcing me to stop work until I could empty the car at the local goodwill (thus allowing me to fill the car again).   Yes I cried over something that stupid.  

It's been a struggle to not eat crazy with these emotions pouring through me.  But I've managed to do it. I don't know how...but I'm doing it.  Whatever is up with my emotions....it can go away any minute now!!!!

Ideas flowing freely

I was out running on Tuesday morning.  It was hot.  I was sweating up a storm.  But I’m glad I did it. I actually procrastinated doing it for quite some time.  Ohhhh, there was about two hours of delay tactics used to avoid this run.  Why yes, I do think my kitchen floor needs swept and scrubbed.  Important things you know!  But I eventually just said “DO IT”   I have places I want to go  (weight loss) and sitting on my butt was not going to get me there.  So out I went!

Now the craziest thing happens when I run.  My mind empties of a lot of the mundane stuff.  I stop thinking about what I’m cooking for dinner (and consequentially thinking about what I need to pull out of the freezer) or how high the grass is (thus requiring mowing) and about 50 gazillion other things that filter through my mind on a daily basis.

Today my thoughts turned toward my weight loss efforts.  I had recently looked at my weight loss and calculated up how many pounds I’ve lost overall.  (82.6 if anyone cares).   I started thinking about how I’m within spitting distance of 100 pounds lost!  I vowed right then and there on my run that I would NEVER have to celebrate the 100 pound gone mark again.  Of course those thoughts made me think of the celebrations I have had or want to have for weight loss progress!  When I lost my weight the first time I celebrated when I dipped under 200 pounds.  (which is 15 pounds lower than my 100 pounds lost goal).  In fact, I don’t even think I celebrated that milestone, it came and went with no fanfare.   SO on my run that morning I decided what I was going to do to celebrate.

I got home and immediately texted Anita, my zumba instructor.  I asked her if I could hijack a zumba class.   I would pay her a set fee for her evening.  Anyone that arrived like normal for a zumba class would not have to punch a card.  Anyone that shows up would be able to get in for free.  (well not free…paid for by me).   It would be my own personal party! And we are going to announce it to the world....announce it and invite everyone possible! (Strangers are welcome!)  J   She LOVES the idea and is simply waiting on me to reach that goal!

I ran the idea by some friends and they were on board!   PARTY AT ZUMBA!!!!!  (and yes, I’m thinking about some really healthy snacks to have!)

So I threw the idea out there.  I have people behind me....all eyes are looking at me as I lose this weight.  YIKES!   So Wednesday rolled around.  I ate breakfast and I knew what I was having for dinner. Therefore I knew exactly how many calories I would have to play around with come lunchtime.  I was off work and had planned lunch with a friend......we ended up eating at a wood fired oven joint.  (Fireworks Pizza in Leesburg, VA if anyone cares).   Oh hell, the pizza smelled HEAVENLY.  Ohhhh the aroma surrounded me like a good friend. I sat down and looked at the menu.  My friend ordered a pizza.  I sucked it up and ordered a meal portion salad.  Yes, I did.  

As I was leaving Leesburg, I made a comment that my participation in my evening zumba class was spotty....I could probably make it but that I was just thinking about skipping it.  My friend looked at me and said "Isn't this one of those times where you just tell yourself to suck it up and do it?"   I hung my head in shame (ok, maybe not really...I was using artistic license) and vowed to try to make it.  I hustled out of there and why yes...I made it!

Having this goal out there and having people looking at me, waiting for me to get there is thus far working to help me stay on track.  Hey....whatever it takes!

You know....it's not really that hard!

This spot on eating is....well.....it's actually getting easier.  It's kinda falling back into place.  Yeah, some days I'm looking at it and going......I need to drop something or change something to make this work.  But for the most part it's working pretty well. I've only been over that one day which was a choice due to the insane amount of activity.  Other than that I have been 'spot on'!!!    Five fruits and veggies a day really helps to fill up the belly but keep the calorie count low.  (and whadya know.....that's the recommended amount we should be eating anyway!).   Admittedly, I don't always make the 5.   Some days it's a little less some days it's a little more.

And the amazing thing?????  It's working.   Last week I dropped 2.5 pounds.  I'm tickled with that.  But I'm still in that 5 pound hellish range that I've been in for the last umpteen months.  (yeah yeah yeah yeah....I was at the very tip top of that 5 pound range the other week)    I will feel better when I acually get OUT of that 5 pound vortex and prove to myself and the world (Ha...like the world cares) that I have totally overcome it!

Have I made sacrifices the last week and a half?  Absolutely!   Has it been a huge issue?   NO.  I've been full and satisfied. My mind tells me I want something else.  But I find that I really don't need it and I'm just fine without it.   I will say this.....eating smaller portions...I am actually hungry by the time my next meal rolls around!  Sadly, this was NOT a common occurrence in recent months.

What is Normal

I've talked at normality so many times.  I've moaned about the fact that I want to be normal.  I don’t want to constantly be the girl that is watching her weight.  I want to live normally.  I want to eat normally!!!!  I want to eat like a normal human being!!!   I've come to terms with this desire so many times throughout my personal weight loss journey.  

I've written more than once about this.  I've written about how I noticed that a super thin gal I worked with who seemingly ate everything in site was actually eating 1 bite of something and calling her self satisfied….and she would save the rest and eat another bite the next day.   Yes, seriously?  She did that with cheesecake.  Me, I would have wanted two pieces of cheesecake….let alone one bite!

The first time I lost my weight I did it in my own personal style.   I did most of it via the weight watchers program.   I quickly figured out (at least at that time) that there were some ‘free foods’.  These were foods that were so low in calories and points that they didn't count toward your daily points.  Green beans anyone?   Would you like a serving of sauerkraut with that????  Yes, green beans and sauerkraut were freebies.  I ate the heck out of green beans and sauerkraut.  Oh yes I did.  Everyday in my lunchbox I ate green beans and sauerkraut.  They worked to fill me up and in that way the quantity of food I was eating was not affected.   It worked…..surprisingly well it worked!

OK, maybe it didn't work all that well……eventually I got sick of them.......for a while just saying green beans and/or sauerkraut made me want to hurl!  Yeah, I OD’d on them!

This time around, I’m taking a different approach.  I’m actually working on quantity.  Yes, I’m still supplementing my daily eating with low calorie foods.  But I’m also learning that a half sandwich can do the trick in place of a full sandwich.   The other morning for breakfast I made breakfast pizza.  Typically I would scarf down 2-3 pieces of this delightfully delicious food.  The other morning I had one piece and then rounded it out with a serving of applesauce (homemade of course).   When I was done did my mind tell me that I wanted another piece?   Of course it did.  Habits don’t just go away.   I just ignored the call of the pizza while I packed it up.  And guess what?  I survived just fine with just one piece.  Was I hungry by the time lunch rolled around?  Of course I was…..but that’s not a bad thing.

Normal…....I think I may be FINALLY understanding what normal is.  Normal is not eating rabbit food exclusively.  Normal is not eating one bite of food.  Normal is eating the foods that I like, but doing it in a way that STILL fits into my caloric count is the way to go.   It’s not rocket science.  I can still have the breakfast pizza….I just can’t have half of the darn pizza (at 313 calories a slice)….I can’t even really afford two pieces. (626 calories total…as that’s half of my days allotment).  But I can have one slice…that fits into my day quite nicely!!!!   I’m being normal! 

I put miles and miles on my legs last week.   I ran on my own.  I walked with Sherry.  I even got some walks in with Todd!   

Today, Sunday was a CRAZY day.   I woke up and headed out run.  It was the run for this months virtual 5k that I am participating in.  So far I've done every run!  YIPPEE!!!   Today was in 39 minutes.  

After my run, I sat down beside my car and pulled out my lunch box...or should I actually say my breakfast box?   I enjoyed my cantaloupe and some string cheese while I relaxed for about 15 minutes.

After my picnic breakfast I only had a few minutes to rest before Sherry arrived.  We walked just shy of 4.5 miles...and hit the HILLY section.   YIKES!

I got home shortly after 9 and Todd and I threw the bikes on the car and headed out!   Oh yes, we went biking!

Why yes, I was SOOO hungry by lunch time.    I actually didn't really go off the rails with my eating...but I didn't eat 'spot on'.    I decided to not sweat it at all.  I enjoyed my food.  I wasn't stuffed when I left the restaurant.  Furthermore, I had already burned MAD MAD calories and it was only lunch time!!!!!

After lunch we ran into one or two stores and then headed home.  I was already tired....and even told Todd that I could take a nap.  However, upon arriving home I jumped right into my afternoon.  

Mowing.....Push mowing!!!!!!   I didn't time it....exactly.  I know roundabout....it was about 3 hours....I only counted 2 hours in my exercise app.   

So the final calorie count for my earned activity calories?   3178.   I  actually ate over my self imposed 'spot on 1200-1300 budget' for the day.  NO worries.  I was only at 1900 calories for the day.    So even though it was over budget I'm going to call today's eating a victory!!!

I tried!!!

This morning I got up.  I knew that I planned to ride my road bike.  I was determined to do it!   My bike still scares me.   I know it hurt last year....and I know that simply changing a tire is STILL an elusive skill that I can't manage on my lite speed road bike (I can do my trek tires slick as a whistle).  So round about 8am I pulled out my bike.  I started to pump up the tires and ready my bike.  Hmmmm. Something just wasn't right....is my pump going bad or am I just stupid?   Seriously?   How difficult can it be???  (Apparently quite difficult).   Finally I deemed my bike ready.   I threw on my clothes, dumped some water in a water bottle (whih I promptly left on the kitchen table ....luckily didn't notice it's absence until my return home) and out the door I went.

I haven't been on my bike yet this year (bad MaryFran) so I took a bit of time to clip in and out once or twice before heading off.

Ahhhhhhh

The open air!  The breeze on my face!  The....what's that noise?  It was like a dull thud...but only when I was actively pedaling.  I slowed down.....chanting 'clips clipc clips' and safely came to a stop with one foot resting on the ground. My tires seemed to be fine. The bike seemed to be fine so I clipped in and off I went again.

Thud thud thud.  Ok not really even a thud...more like just a vibration...a feeling in the bike....something was not right. 

I slowed down, clipped out and stopped again.  Once again everything seemed fine...the tire felt a bit warm to the touch...but let's face it...it's hot outside so maybe that's not too uncommon. (Yes I know most people probably don't run around feeling for the temperature on their bike tires....I'm half nutty, I know it!!).  

At that point I KNEW that something was off kilter.   Could I have just not pumped the tire up the whole way (with my retarded pump/or user error)??   Could it have a slow leak (or fast leak?)???  Could there be another issue??  Hell could it all be in my head (pretty sure not)???   Regardless, I didn't want to get any further away from home...I tuned myself around and headed home.   So, I managed to take the shortest bike ride ever.   1.54 miles.  

I was totally bummed.  I am also disgusted with the fact that I'm letting my  bike get the best of me in regards to my fears.    And honestly, now that I'm at work I am slapping my forehead thinking 'why didn't I grab my trek and go out on the canal....duh!'

Good news....my lower back handled that 1.54 miles like a champ!   My hip/arse cheek pain did twinge but not enough to make me cry out in pain.    

So onward to different thigs......day three of eating.   I was 70 calories over the top end of my eating allowance.   Not exactly spot on.  But I'm ok with it.   I was active...so that's why I'm ok with it!!!

How active???   I ran early in the morning!   It was a brutal run!  My legs ached and it was hot!

Todd and I then went for a nice hike!! It was warm but not overly overbearing.      Sorry no picture!  

Then I went for another hike later in the afternoon.  The afternoon hike near about killed me!!!  It was hotter than hades!!!   It wasn't a long walk....but I found a door to an old coal stove that I carted home.   I'm debating different options ...a wall hanging...a out stool...ohhh lots of things.   It just spoke to me!!!!

Today at work I plan on organizing my stuff to take to the gal that will hopefully be illustrating my kids book.  Yes, I wrote this years ago as a lark but my artistic abilities in terms of drawing are slim to none.  So I am tickled to possibly get this book done.   Maybe published (self or otherwise)....but done.   Unfinished projects need to become completed projects...I'm tired of stuff hanging over my head!!!!

So I'm holding on.   I am utterly focused on my calorie intake.   I am taking sneak peaks at the scales (don't hate me...I'm an everyday weigher) and I'm anxious to see what the results will bee this week.   Or rather in anxious to see what the results will be at the end of two weeks.   Lately I can hold it together for one week hutc ace on week two.   And maybe...just maybe...if I am lucky I can reach July 11 and be back at the same weight I was last year.  (That is roughly 220 pounds....I was actually skirtig with 218 at the beginning of that week and on the morning of July 11 I was 210....but probably because of the case of flu I had been subjected to). So I'm gong with 220.   Long shot...considering last Friday I was 235...but I'm going to give it a gung  ho go!!!

Moving along!

So I'm on day two of my challenge.  I think it helps to look at this in a much smaller increment.  Like I said in yesterdays post...who can't do something for two weeks.  :-)

Surprisingly enough, I have been SUPER active the last few days...since I woke up Sunday morning that is 15.06 miles of walking and running.  Ohhh and that doesn't count the hours of push mowing that I did on Sunday afternoon!   My legs are just cranking out the miles!   Feels good!

This morning I saved a tiny turtle from possible demise on my walk.  (and this morning was a walk)  He was just lounging on the road.  I moved him to the grass.  Poor little tyke!

Allergy season has been around for a while.   In typical years my left eye (just my left eye....go figure) waters for a few days and then I'm OK.  Annoying but nothing major.  This year....it wouldn't let up.  It watered day after day after day.  And Sunday night when I went to bed my eye was SORE.  I assumed that like normal it would be fine in the morning...and get progressively worse.  However Monday morning arrived and my eye was SORE to the touch.  I didn't let it stop me...I went running.  I went to work and I caved.. The eye hurt....I had tears streaming from that eye.. my eye was swollen ....and it was goopy.  . went to the pharmacy and the pharmacist recommended a drop for my eye and I started taking Benedryl.  Today it's much better. Still a bit tender and a bit more 'wet' than normal...but over all much better!   Look close...you may see the goopy swollen eye!

My hip is still giving me grief....and into my butt cheek.  I guess I really am a pain in the ass!

Food wise....SPOT ON!   I kept it together yesterday...even though I was DYING for a snack last night!  I ignored that demon's call and did well!   Today I struggled between getting home from work and having dinner sitting on the table ready to eat.  I persevered!     Now if the scales just show my efforts (Yes, I'm taking sneak peaks...but my lips are sealed!)